Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Drought At The Fountain Of Youth
0 reviewsRandall has the Paradise PD invent a covid cure that turns out to be a Fountain of Youth.
0Unrated
Paradise PD and Inside Job
Fanfic Title:
Drought At The Fountain of Youth
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At the backyard of Randall Crawford's house. Kevin had Dusty, Stanley, Gina, and Bullet lined up to see something he had bought.
Gina: What's the big important thing you bought for your backyard Kevin?
Kevin: It's going to totally blow your mind!
Dusty: Hope it's a swingset! Never had one when I was growing up. My momma could not afford one.
Bullet: You? On a swingset? (laughs) You'll get stuck in a baby swing like that fat drunk in an episode of 1000 Ways To Die I once saw.
Stanley: Whatever it is, I hope it's Gore Vidal in an outhouse.
Kevin: Just come follow me everybody.
Dusty: I know! Is it a bounce house?
Kevin: Close, Dusty! Close!
Dusty: Must be getting warmer!
Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were all astounded by what they had seen in Randall Crawford's backyard. A trampoline.
Kevin: Tah Dah! What do you think about this, everybody?
Gina: A trampoline. Where did you get it?
Kevin: I spent my paycheck on it. I always wanted one in my backyard.
Dusty: Oh boy! Last time I was on a trampoline. It was at Sky Zone. Then my weight broke them all and I got banned from place for good.
Kevin: You'll never get banned here, Dusty. Come on, everybody! You're all invited on my trampoline!
Bullet: Yeah! Let's do this!
Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet all jumped around the trampoline and had lots of fun.
Gina: Check out my killer moves, twat waffles! (jumps and does 20 flips in the air.) Bet you all can't do that!
Kevin: Nahhh, I won't be that extreme. (jumps up and down)
Stanley: This reminds me of when I had ass sex with PT Barnum. On a trampoline just like this one!
Bullet: (jumps high into the air): I can qualify for the Olympics with this high jump!
Dusty: Oh look! It's holding my weight. (bounces all around)
The way Dusty jumped on the trampoline, it made a shake that nearly knocked everyone off.
Bullet: Fuck! Dusty! Watch your weight!
Stanley: Yeah, you fat fucker! You almost knocked us off.
Dusty (rolls eyes): Sorry sheesh!
Bullet (Jumps into the air): Woo! Hoo! This is almost as fun as heroin! And I love heroin!
Gina (jumps into the air): Bet you can't top this!
Stanley: Check out these moves! (jumps into the air)
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Bullet were all challenging each other to do the highest jump. Dusty felt left out.
Kevin: Why aren't you joining us, Dusty?
Dusty: I don't wanna hurt anyone. Feel like Dom Deluise in Fatso.
Kevin: Don't feel bad you just.....
Randall (runs into the backyard): What the fuck is going on here!
Kevin: HEEEK DAD! (sees Randall): Oh I meant, Hi, Dad! Look what I spent my paycheck on! Cool hey?
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! I should've known you were going to spend it on something useless like this. (sees Dusty) What's wrong with you? Don't you usually think shit like this is fun?
Dusty (saddened tone): I got fat shamed.
Randall: Why didn't you give your paycheck to me so I can pay my taxes?
Kevin: You didn't ask.
Bullet: Kevin invited us, we were just having a great time with this. It's not like there's a beer keg around.
Randall: We are supposed to be officers of the law. People have to take us seriously and this is what you all do in your spare time?
Stanley: Who even knows about this trampoline but us?
Randall: Shut the fuck up Stanley. (sees Gina): GINA! You are my best cop! Why are you wasting your time on this fucking trampoline shit?
Gina (gets down from the trampoline): Pfft, can't a woman with 'Bitch Be Crazy' syndrome have a little fun every now and then?
Kevin: Guess this means we have to report to work.
Dusty: Just as Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca. "We'll always have Paris. We'll always have Kevin's Backyard Trampoline".
Randall: We are not going back to headquarters. In fact, everybody meet me at the Wal-mart Pharmacy that got shut down.
Bullet: You don't hear that everyday! Hopefully there will be some inhalants and hallucinogens!
Randall: We are NOT going there to experiment with outdated prescriptions!
Kevin: Okay Dad. We're coming.
Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin all follow Randall to the Wal-Mart.
Scene 2:
The Paradise PD were now at the Pharmacy at Walmart that was shut down.
Gina: What is the purpose of bringing us here?
Dusty: Yeah, shouldn't we be at the police station instead?
Randall: I brought you all here because I found out I am behind on my taxes.
Kevin: Oh no. Does this mean we're going to lose the house.
Randall: That's exactly what it means! If you hadn't spent your fucking paycheck on that piece of shit trampoline. We would not be here!
Bullet: It's not easy being the scapegoat, is it Kevin? (laughs)
Kevin: No, (sneering) everything's always my fault when it comes to Dad.
Stanley: Are we going to have an opiate party like they did in the Roaring 20s?
Randall: Nope, we are not here to party. We are going to try to use this place to raise money.
Dusty: We can do a bake sale.
Randall: No bake sales! You'll just end up eating all the cupcakes anyway.
Gina: You got any bright ideas?
Randall: In fact, I do! We all know about this pandemic going on called the coronavirus. Also known as the Covid 19? Right?
Stanley, Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty: Right.
Randall: I was thinking. It's our job as policemen to come up with a cure.
Dusty: We got the vaccines....
Kevin: Yeah, and covid only lasts for 2 weeks.
Dusty: Kevin's right. After 2 weeks, you're all better.
Gina: If you're lucky.
Bullet: What you're saying is, we have to come up with a cure? We're not scientists at Pfizer or Moderna you know.
Randall: Who said anything about science? We'll just mix up whatever meds we can find and give it to whoever has covid. If said person gets better, BINGO! We got a cure for it, and the Paradise PD will forever go down in history as the American Police Department who came up with the cure.
Kevin: That's a wonderful idea Dad! Then you can get money for it and save our house.
Randall: Precisely! Everyone into the drug room.
Bullet goes into the drug room and comes out with an oxygen tank.
Dusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you trying to be ALF or something, Bullet?
Gina: You look like a Space Oddity, Bullet. (laughs) David Bowie would be proud!
Randall: Stop fucking around Bullet! This is a serious matter!
Kevin: I don't want to end up homeless and have to eat in a soup kitchen.
Gina: Actually I live in a duplex. The other house is empty. You all can move into there if you want.
Bullet: Glad you all liked my joke. I was being Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome! I FEEL LIKE A DUCK BILLED PLATAPUS!
Dusty: I thought that's where it was from!
Stanley: For a minute there I thought you was being Oliver Hardy in The Big Noise when Stan Laurel put that camera over his head.
Randall: Great reference there. I thought I was the only one who liked Stan and Ollie. Speaking of them, I was always Ollie. And Kevin was always Stan.
Kevin: (scratches his head and cries): But I couldn't help it (sobs)
Scene 3:
Outside Robbie's and Delbert's crackhouse. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were sitting in a car and they all appeared to be looking into a window. Robbie and Delbert were inside the crackhouse watching a football game on a TV they had stolen.
Brett DeMarco: Couldn't we have just gone to a movie theater?
Fitz: No way. I want to share with you guys the fun I had at the Drive-In back during my youth.
Zeta: I'm having fun with it, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: I know you are. Trying to get Brett here to appreciate it!
Brett DeMarco: I would 'appreciate' it a lot more if we didn't have to use these hicks' TV!
Fitz: There's no drive in movies anymore here in Paradise. So I wanted to improvise!
Brett DeMarco: How? By using Robbie's and Delbert's TV?
Fitz: Damn! They turned it back onto that fucking football game! Good thing I got a universal remote.
Brett DeMarco: Use it. Thought we were watching Red Sun!
Fitz uses the remote to turn back the movie. Robbie and Delbert begin to rant.
Robbie: What the fuck is this shit!
Delbert: Thought we was watchin' football, not some fucking samurai ninja cowboy whatever....
Robbie and Delbert use their remote to turn back on the football game.
Fitz: Shit! Not again! (uses universal remote)
The TV turned back onto the movie Red Sun.
Robbie: Fuck it to hell!
Delbert: Change the channel, I wanna see some cheerleader boob!
Robbie changes the channel back to the football game.
Brett DeMarco: They're really playing hardball here!
Fitz: I HATE FOOTBALL! (uses universal remote)
Zeta: Get them Daddy Fitz! Get them!
The TV turns back onto Red Sun.
Robbie: GGGRRR!! THIS AGAIN! I hate westerns! They ain't even speaking English! Speaking some alien language.
Delbert: GODDAMMIT! There's that Chinese dude Charles Bronson again. FUCK THAT! I don't wanna see him, I wanna see Aaron Hernadez!
A war had broken out between Fitz and Robbie as they both kept pressing the buttons on their remotes. Instead of going back and fourth to the football game and the Western movie Red Sun, more channels appear.
TV: You're watching....FOX News Reports......Stay tuned for an all new.....NBC Presents......Coming up next........Today's Weather.....Come On Over To.....
Fitz uses the universal remote once more and instead of the football game or Red Sun, something extremely shocking coming onto the TV. It shows Peter Graves totally naked wearing a condom.
Peter Graves: This is Peter Graves and I am using a Trojan condom! Trojan! The most trusted name in....
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Robbie, and Delbert: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Robbie uses his remote one more time, the TV explodes. Robbie and Delbert swear revenge.
Fitz (drives away): Holy fuck! We can't let them know it's us!
Zeta: Drive faster, Daddy Fitz!
Brett DeMarco: Now we can go to a normal theater!
Fitz: We'll try the Peachtree Cinaplex!
However, Robbie and Delbert spotted them.
Delbert: Think that Kingpin fella was here, Robbie.
Robbie: I knew that. I am going to make a phone call.
Delbert: To who?
Robbie: To some good friends of mine. (uses phone): Hello, can you get me Reagan Ridley please? Yes hello. We want you to track down Gerald Fitzgerald for us. Wherever he goes, make his life hell.....
Scene 4:
At the Walmart Pharmacy. Randall was demanding Dusty, Stanley, Gina, Kevin, and Bullet to find some meds that were effective against the covid.
Randall: This is how it's all going down, you all have to do some research to find out which meds are strong against covid so we can mix them all together.
Kevin: We'll need a mixing bowl Dad.
Randall: Good thinking for once, Kevin!
Bullet (holding a boot): I could not find a mixing bowl, so this Sperry TopSider Boot will have to do.
Randall: Son of a bitch! Doesn't anyone use mixing bowls anymore? All right then, we'll use the boot!
Gina (on her iphone): Says right here that Prozac can protect people against covid.
Dusty: I did my homework on this too! There's this drug for horses called ivermectin!
Gina: Ooooh! Dusty you are so hot when you speak so scientifically!
Bullet: Ivermectin? Drug for horses? Damn! Horses get all the privileges! I envy those assholes!
Kevin: I got something Dad! (has a bottle of pills)
Randall: What do you have there?
Kevin (reads the bottle): This stuff called Annacannaprannastan!
Stanley: Annacannaprannastan is some good stuff! It was the date rape drug from World War 2!
Randall: Sounds like something from the Mideast! At least it doesn't sound like it's from Wuhan! We'll use that too.
Mixing the Ivermenctin, Prozac, and Annacannaprannastan inside the boot. Randall believes it needs one more ingredient.
Randall: One more thing we need to make it stand out....
Dusty (with a bag of beans): Why not try these Mexican Jumping Beans?
Randall: WHAT! Are you insane, Dusty! That's not a pharmacy drug!
Dusty: Fine! I'll keep them for myself, then.
Swallowing the Mexican Jumping Beans, Dusty begins to jump all around.
Dusty: ! HELP! I CAN'T STOP JUMPING!
Stanley: Quit that jumpin'! You're gonna cause an earthquake! Worse than the one in 1906 in Ecuador! I should know! I was there!
Dusty (jumps all around): HOW DO I STOP JUMPING! HHHEEELLLPPP!
Bullet: Try throwing it up like in those Ancient Rome orgies.
Dusty (still jumping): Okay! I'm gettin' kind of sick anyway. (vomits out the beans)
Vomiting out the Mexican Jumping Beans, Dusty's vomit lands squarely into the boot. This causes the boot to shake like it's about to explode. Instead the boot begins to make retching sounds jumping all around and then sounds like it is urinating. Afterwards, it made a sound like it's playing a Congo dance song. The Paradise PD begin dancing around. Then the boot stops moving and jumping all around and it is now at a standstill. Randall goes to check on it.
Randall: We did it! We actually made something!
Kevin: And to think we aren't even scientists!
Stanley: Scientists hey? I was disguised as Madam Currie once.
Gina: We'll need to test it. But where?
Bullet: Suppose we can go to a hospital and use it on covid patients.
Randall: NO NO NO! We'll have to try to on someone who comes in here.
Gina: Yeah, you think someone with covid will just walk inside this Walmart? In your dreams, twat waffle.
Kevin sees two people walk in. It was Karen and her mother Agatha Culpepper. Both were wearing masks.
Karen: Now Mom, remember to wear your mask. You have the first signs of covid.
Agatha: Thanks for helping me, Karen. You're a good daughter. Even if you did marry that Randall Crawford scumbag.
Kevin: I think we found our first customer, Dad!
Randall: Oh great! Did it have to be her! Why can't she get kidnapped like Bette Midler in Ruthless People?
Scene 5:
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all drove to the Peachtree Cinaplex Theater. A local theater that was famous for showing one classic movie in all of the theaters. The front sign reads, "NOW PLAYING NORTH BY NORTHWEST starring CARY GRANT" On the roof, Reagan Ridley and Brett Hand from Inside Job. The two people Robbie and Delbert called to exact their revenge on Fitz for breaking their TV.
Reagan: Okay, there's our victims! Is everything set?
Brett Hand: Yes it is. Everything is ready. So don't worry.
Reagan (sees Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta get out of their car): Here they are now. When they enter the theater the movie they want to see will not be the one they were looking for.
Brett Hand: I understand the plan very well.
Reagan: We better go and hide.
Brett Hand: Right!
Going up to the ticket boot, Fitz pays for the tickets. Brett DeMarco sees the person working at the ticket booth is wearing the same suit as he.
Fitz: Three for North By Northwest please.
Brett DeMarco (to ticket booth person): And may I add, that is an impressive suit you're wearing.
Ticket Booth Person: Yeah, management makes us wear these stupid ass things.
Walking inside the theater, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta notice they were the only ones inside.
Fitz: Damn! Where is everybody?
Brett DeMarco: So what? Who cares? We got this place to ourselves.
Fitz: Assholes are probably at home scared they'll get covid or something so they now watch movies at home on Paramount +!
Zeta: Why are we seeing North by Northwest, Daddy Fitz?
Brett DeMarco: Was hoping they would show Red Sun here! Wanting to see how that flick turned out.
Fitz: They're not playing Red Sun. Besides, we can always see that on Amazon some other time.
Zeta: Heard its one of the best movies ever made. I'd love to see North by Northwest Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco: Does this theater show classic movies? It said so on the sign up front.
Fitz: Yes it does. In fact this movie cinaplex has lots of theaters and it shows the same movie in each one.
Zeta: Awesome! Let's go find our seats.
Fitz: OKay, we'll go to the first theater, Brett you're sitting in between me and Zeta.
Brett DeMarco: All right! (rolls eyes)
Walking into the first movie theater. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all take their seats. The movie is about to begin.
Zeta: The movie is about to start.
The curtain opened, and the movie screen shows the Tri-Star Pictures logo.
Fitz: The hell? Tri-Star Pictures? That's a subsidiary of Columbia Pictures!
Brett DeMarco: That movie studio never made any Hitchcock movies!
The screen then shows a curtain and out comes an announcer with a microphone.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages. We are going to present for your approval a novelty picture with an all midget cast!
Fitz: What the fuck? Isn't this Terror Of Tiny Town?
Brett DeMarco: Looks like it! I remember seeing this at the Canned Film Festival circa 1986.
Announcer: I'm told it has everything and I mean everything that a.....
Then a midget cowboy comes out.
Zeta: Yep, it's not North by Northwest.
Fitz: Come on, let's try to find another theater.
Brett DeMarco, Fitz, and Zeta go to the second theater at the cinaplex. The same thing happens again. As the curtain opens.
Fitz: Everything is looking good so far......
Instead of showing North By Northwest, Ski Fever is shown.
Brett DeMarco: AGAIN! First Terror of Tiny Town, now this! It's like a 1960's beach movie only with a ski slope!
The movie screen reads "SKI FEVER starring Claudia Martin Martin Milner. Then the theme song plays, "Snow drifting down, all day all white! This wintry weather lets get together! Hee hee! Ski Fever all right!"
Fitz: Come on you guys. We'll try another theater.
Zeta: I agree. There has to be one that shows North by Northwest.
Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Fitz try to find a theater that is showing their desired movie.
Scene 6:
At the Walmart. Kevin waves to his mother and grandmother.
Kevin: Hey Mom and Grandma.
Karen walks up to the pharmacy with Agatha.
Agatha: Ahh, it's my retard grandson!
Karen: Randall, what are you and the PD doing here?
Randall: Trying to find a cure for covid that's what.
Gina: It was all his idea to improve our image as policemen.
Kevin: That's right, Mom! Then we can REALLY be heroes.
Dusty: What brings you here, Mayor Karen?
Karen: My mom has the beginning stages of covid.
Randall: EXCELLENT!
Karen: Why is that good news to you?
Randall (stammers): Well...it's excellent because we may have found a cure.
Bullet: That's correct. That way your Mom will be the perfect test subject.
Karen: Mom? Do you want to try this covid cure the Paradise PD made?
Agatha: I guess. I don't want to get any sicker than I already am!
Stanley: Come with us then!
Karen and Agatha enter the pharmacy. Bullets takes a spoonful of the 'cure' and give it to Agatha.
Bullet: Open wide!
Agatha takes the 'cure' and begins to react. First has a bad reaction then a good reaction.
Kevin: Ooooh! I hope we didn't kill Grandma!
Agatha (makes sounds) hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!
Dusty: Shit dude! I hope we didn't turn her into Shemp Howard.
The 'cure' has another effect. Within minutes right before their eyes, Agatha was young again. She was now Karen's age.
Agatha (laughs youthfully): HA HA HA HA!
Karen: Mom! You look like you could be my sister!
Agatha: That's right, Karen! I'm young again!
Randall: This turned out better than I thought!
Karen: Do you still feel covid symptoms, Mom?
Agatha: Not anymore! I feel like I've been reborn! More healthier too!
Gina: Did we just discover the Fountain of Youth?
Randall: In fact we did! Consider this our Lorenzo's Oil!
Karen: Oh mom! You're young and healthy! This is wonderful!
Agatha: YAY! Let's celebrate my rebirth!
Randall: Hey, Kevin. Why not try to fuck her so you can become your own grandfather.
Kevin: What? Commit incest? I don't think so!
Dusty: Celebrate you say? Anyone want that Marshmallow Jumbo cake at the Wal-Mart bakery?
As the Paradise PD along with Karen and Agatha go to the bakery to have the Marshmallow Jumbo cake.
Karen: Why did you want to discover the cure for covid.
Randall: So I can get rich and pay off my taxes and keep our house.
Karen (rolls eyes): Typical of you Randall. Always out for yourself. Anyway, guess I can forgive you! You made my mom young again!
Gina: Forget the covid cure. Imagine how much you can make just by inventing a Fountain of Youth!
Bullet: You seem to have restored her immune system too!
Agatha: I actually feel stronger now! (lifts some heavy weights)
Randall: When we're done we should try this on someone else next.
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were now at the Walmart Eatery having the Marshmallow Jumbo cake. Stanley refused to have any. Dusty has an announcement.
Dusty: Before we begin I wanted to tell Randall I used my iphone to film a video of you making Agatha become young again!
Randall: Awesome thinking, Dusty!
Dusty: You bet. Not only that, I emailed it to the Inventors Associates Society!
Bullet: Dusty actually did something useful!
Stanley: No cake for me, thanks. Don't trust it. I was a baker for James Corbin once. He didn't keep me around for the cooking let's say.
Kevin: You are cool, Dusty!
Dusty: I got just an email back saying they're going to be here in an hour to claim your prize.
Gina: Woah, Dusty! I am ever more attracted to you now!
Randall: YES! My taxes are paid! Plus, my house is saved!
Gina: No need to stay in my duplex then!
Karen: You're sure to get a lump sum of money for this.
Agatha: I was wrong about you, Randall. I approve of your marriage to my daughter!
Bullet: Bet you never thought you'd hear your mother in law say that! (laughs)
Gina: What do you say we dig into this Marshmallow Jumbo! You can have my seconds, Dusty!
Dusty: Seconds? I'd be delighted!
Everyone: YAY!
Bullet eats the cake first, then Randall, Dusty, Kevin, Karen, Agatha and Gina eat the cake too. Everyone was having a hard time chewing the 'marshmallows'.
Kevin (chewing): These marshmallows must be stale.
Dusty (chewing): I don't see any problem with the marshmallows!
Gina (chewing): They're hard at first, then they get soft for some reason.
Agatha (chewing): I just got young again, and now I might have to need dental work. Oh, Gina's right. They do get soft after a while.
Randall (chewing and hitting himself on the head): God dammit! What the fuck are these marshmallows made of?
Karen (chewing): I know, right.
Kevin soon blows out a bubble. As does Gina.
Gina: Did anyone just blow out a bubble?
Kevin: I did!
Bullet then blows out a bubble, then did Karen and Agatha.
Karen (blows bubble): Oh my gosh!
Agatha (blows bubble): Yyyeeekkk! What kind of a cake is this!
Randall: This cake is....(blows bubble) God Dammit! Again, this cake is shit and.....(blows bubbles)
Dusty: Oh come on guys. No need to complain, I didn't make it, Walmart did and....(blows bubble) Son of a bitch!
The bubble blowing goes on. Randall, Bullet, Kevin, Karen, Agatha, Gina, and Dusty all blow bubbles simultaneously at random. Some bubbles even came out of Randalls ears, bubbles came out of Kevin's nose. Oddly enough, bubbles came out of Dusty's penis and ass! Stanley is glad he didn't have any cake.
Gina (sees Bubbles come out of Dusty's penis): OOoooh! Bubblicious Hubba Bubba!
Stanley: See? This is why I don't trust cake!
Kevin: I say, I could've sworn this cake was called Marshmallow Jumbo.
Bullet: If you ask me, it's more like 'Marshmallow Gumbo'!
Karen: That's it! There must be gumballs in this cake!
Agatha: Let's go, thanks for the cake, guys.
Karen: Where are we going, Mom?
Agatha: To have a girl's day on the town, where else?
Karen and Agatha left to have fun. Randall decides to wait for the Inventors Associates Society. The Paradise PD goes back to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy.
Randall: You know what? Fuck this cake anyway! We'll wait for the Inventor Associates Society to come so I can claim my prize. (throws out the cake)
Dusty: YES! I got another email from them. They're on their way right now and they're going to give you $100,000!
Randall: Fantastic Dusty! You really came though for me this time! You're like the son I never had!
Kevin: You have a son. What's wrong with the one already have?
Randall: Shut the fuck up, Kevin.
Bullet: Don't we need to straighten this place out? You know, to make a good impression on them? My old owners I used to live with were like that.
Randall: This is Walmart, not Police Headquarters.
Bullet: We didn't even think to name this stuff.
Gina: We'll call it 'Fountain of Youth', what else?
Randall: Gina and Dusty remind me to give you both a promotion!
Dusty (squeals): Golly gee whiz! A promotion!
Gina: Best day ever. (to Randall): Say listen. Didn't you say earlier you wanted to try this on someone else?
Randall: Oh yes. Thanks for reminding me Gina.
Kevin: Yes but who? I'll make Dad proud, there's gotta be an old person around here somewhere. (sees Stanley): I found someone!
Stanley: Why are you all staring at me, for?
Randall and Kevin zone in on Stanley.
Stanley: What? What kind of shit is this?
Dusty: I'll go get the Fountain of Youth! (walks off)
Scene 8:
Dusty comes back with the Fountain of Youth in the boot. He gives it to Randall. Bullet takes a spoonful.
Randall: Oh, Stanley!
Stanley: Oh I get it! You wanna make me eat that Fountain of Youth shit!
Gina: You're perfect for it, you old twat waffle!
Bullet: If it made a woman young again, maybe this stuff will work for a man!
Randall: You're right, Bullet! Then I'd really be raking in the dough!
Dusty: Don't you wish you were young again?
Stanley: Nope nope nope! (shakes head sideways)
Bullet (holds spoon at Stanley's face): You once said you were in Mary Poppins right? Remember a song that goes like this? (singing) A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
Kevin: Yeah, Stanley! If you're young again. You can go back to Hollywood and have gay sex with the celebrities of today! Wouldn't you like that?
Bullet (with a spoon full of Fountain of Youth): Yummy yummy! Down the hatch! As Sonny from Cocoa Puffs used to say, Munchy Crunchy Chocolately!
Stanley: You fucking assholes! I refuse to be the guinea pig.
Gina: Take it, Stanley! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT! (shouts in Stanley's face)
Randall: Well you have no choice in the matter! Now take it!
Kevin: Yeah, Stanley! If you do, you'll make a good impression on the Inventors Associates Society!
Bullet: I know what can make him open his mouth!
Before Stanley knew it, Bullet bit him in the crotch. Stanley belts out a scream and Bullet gives the spoon to Dusty who shoved it inside Stanley's mouth.
Dusty: HA! Sure feels good to force feed someone. Everyone is always force feeding me.
Stanley (makes sounds): hee bee bee bee bee bee bee!
Randall: How much of that Fountain of Youth did we give him?
Stanley: I feel so youthful! So horny! Getting stronger by the minute!
Dusty: I dunno! I can't keep track of everything!
Seconds pass, right before their eyes. Instead of a younger version of Stanley. What the Paradise PD saw instead was a lion. The Fountain of Youth has turned Stanley into a lion.
Stanley: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR!
Kevin (chattering): Stanley! What came over you? Should we call you, Simba now?
Randall: What the hell! Why the fuck is Stanley a lion! Why not a younger Stanley?
Dusty: That's the $64,000 Question! He's turned into MGM!
Gina: It's supposed to make him younger not some cock sucking wild beast!
Bullet: If that isn't bad enough, imagine what the Inventors Associates Society is going to think about this!
Stanley: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! (jumps out of a window)
Kevin: He's going to destroy Walmart!
Gina: No shit! And we're still in the pharmacy!
The Lion Stanley went back and grabbed Kevin.
Kevin: HHHEEELLLPPP! DAD! DAD! DAD! SSSAAAVVVEE MMMMEEEE!
The Lion Stanley proceeded to terrorize the Walmart shoppers and destroy everything inside.
Scene 9:
At the Peachtree Cinaplex. Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta found another theater to sit in. With hopes that their desired movie North By Northwest will be shown.
Fitz: Know this is wishful thinking, the third try is the charm.
Brett DeMarco: If it's another B Movie I'll scream.
Zeta: We can't have everything, Uncle Brett.
Going inside the theater, looking for a place to sit. Once Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta found their seats, the three of them looked up at the screen. Only to see Project Moonbase was on.
Fitz: Please let this be a trailer or something.....
Zeta: Something tells me this is a movie and not a trailer.
Brett DeMarco: Who the fuck built this cinaplex, Ed Wood?!
In the room where the film was showing the movie, Reagan and Brett Hand were laughing.
Reagan: We're really ruining their movie night, hey!
Brett Hand: This is the most fun I've ever had!
Fitz (watches movie): Hey, wait a minute, I know this movie! I saw it when I was a kid.
Zeta: What's the movie, Daddy Fitz?
Fitz: It's Project Moonbase!
Brett DeMarco: (screams): I knew it! One last time, let's try another theater!
Reagan and Brett Hand see Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta leave the theater.
Brett Hand: As much fun as I'm having doing this favor for Robbie and Delbert. I kind of feel bad for the kid.
Reagan: Who cares about the kid. We'll go into another film room and show them The Brain That Wouldn't Die!
Brett Hand and Reagan sneak out of the film room to follow Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta. The three of them were now in another theater.
Fitz: Someone is trying to fuck with us. I just know it.
Brett DeMarco: I'm starting to feel that way, too.
Zeta: But who would do something like this? Maybe one of those Paradise PD dudes?
Fitz: Could be. I wish I knew. Probably someone I made a bad drug deal with who wants to get back at me.
The movie screen lights up.
Fitz: Okay. Here comes the movie. North By Northwest here we come!
Brett DeMarco (rolls eyes): About time.
The movie screen turns from white to black. Then a woman's voice is heard. "LET ME DIE LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE!"
Zeta: Oh no! Not again!
The movie screen shows the title, "THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE!"
Fitz (jumps out of the seat): All right! I've had enough of this shit! I demand to speak to the manager!
Zeta: Once we find the manager, we shall get in his face, Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco: I'll do more than yell. I'll give him the Five Finger Death Punch!
When Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were about to leave the theater, the movie screen begins to seemingly melt.
Fitz: DAMN! THE SCREEN IS MELTING!
Brett DeMarco (sees a spark): That's not melting! THAT'S FIRE!
Zeta: Oh no! I've never been in a fire before.
Fitz: Never fear, Zeta! We'll keep you safe.
Brett DeMarco: Follow me! I'll take you both to the exit.
Trying the Emergency Exit, it was locked.
Brett DeMarco: This is some type of fucking sick joke! I just know it!
Fitz: Who the fuck is doing all this? Nick Nolte from Cape Fear?!
The movie theater soon began to fill with popcorn.
Fitz: Great! Now what!
Brett DeMarco (looks at the ceiling): It appears to be coming from the ceiling!
The fire on the movie screen stopped. Now the outside of the movie theater was exposed. So did the popcorn dropping from the ceiling. Soon, coming out of the burned movie screen, Reagan and Brett Hand reveal themselves to Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta.
Zeta: Who are you people!
Fitz: Yeah, are you guys the Chinese? The Russians?
Brett DeMarco: Some shitty boy band like One Direction?
Reagan: Prepare for Trouble!
Brett Hand: Make it Double.
Reagan: To Protect The World From Devastation!
Brett Hand: To Unite All Peoples Within Our Nation!
Reagan: To Denounce the Evils of Truth And Love!
Brett Hand: To Extend Our Wrath from the Skies Above!
Reagan: Reagan Ridley!
Brett Hand: Brett Hand!
Reagan: Inside Job Blasts Off At The Speed of Light!
Brett Hand: Surrender Now Or Prepare to Fight!
Fitz: You want a fight! Let's take it outside!
Reagan: You're on!
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Reagan, and Brett Hand were all ready to fight with each other!
Scene 10:
The Dandy Warhols Drive plays when Stanley in his new lion form begins breaking, smashing, and wrecking everything in the Wal-Mart. The shoppers and employees run away. Kevin holds onto dear life.
Kevin: I've heard of rodeos with horses, but rodeos with lions! Get me off Stanley! Please! Why are you doing this? I've never done anything to do!
Stanley (running and jumping): ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
Kevin was finally let off by Stanley when jumps up in the air then back down. Kevin runs back to the pharmacy.
Randall: We need to stop that lion before the Inventors Associates Society comes here.
Dusty: He's not going to give you a prize if they find out that Fountain Of Youth turns men into lions.
Randall: Point taken, Dusty.
Kevin: Glad to get off of Stanley. (sees Stanley coming their way) YYYYEEEEEKKKK! Stanley has it out for us!
Stanley has his eyes on Bullet.
Bullet: Please don't let him be hungry for dog meat!
Gina: I got an idea. Dusty, how long before the Inventors Associates Society comes here.
Dusty (gasps): 20 minutes!
Gina: Here's the deal. Dusty and I will call the zookeeper. Come along, hot stuff!
Dusty: Right Gina.
Gina and Dusty go to call the zookeepers. Which triggered a bad memory for Kevin.
Kevin: Zookeeper? Not him again! Hope he doesn't see me!
Soon Lion Stanley had Randall, Bullet, and Kevin in his path.
Randall: You're worried about what a zookeeper thinks of you? We got bigger fish to fry!
Kevin: Back in 2020, meeting that zookeeper was the beginning of the end for me.
Bullet: What the fuck are you talking about?
Kevin: It all led to Kevin Sucks Day!
Randall: Oh so what about that! You brought on all that yourself.
Stanley sniffs Kevin.
Kevin (stuttering): But I...I...I....I...I...I.....
Randall: You're making it a lot worse for us when you show fear like this.
Bullet: Randall is right. In moments like this we need to stand perfectly still.
Randall: That's right so you shouldn't say, (mocking Kevin) I...I.....I....I....I....I...I.. You're not Ozzy Osbourne!
Kevin: Whatever....
Stanley was licking his lion lips as he walked slowly to Bullet, Randall, and Kevin.
Kevin: Dusty and Gina! Please come back soon!
Within minutes, the zookeeper came. Right behind them were the Inventors Associates Society. Both parked their cars at the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Man #1: Are you Randall Crawford?
Zookeeper: No, I'm a zookeeper. There appears to be an issue with a lion.
Man #2: Carry on then. If you see Randall. Tell him to come out here to claim his prize.
Zookeeper: Who are you people?
Man #1 and #2: We're from the Inventors Associates Society.
Zookeeper: Oh I see.
The men from the Inventors Associates Society waited outside as the zookeeper goes in. Dusty and Gina see the zookeeper and lead the way.
Dusty: That's the lion we were telling you about.
Gina: What are you waiting for! Nail his ass!
Zookeeper: Okay! Here I go! (gets a dart gun)
Randall, Bullet, and Kevin were still backed up against the wall of the pharmacy at the mercy of Stanley.
Stanley: RRRR! RRRR! RRRRR! ROAR!
Randall: Goddammit! Stanley! If you turn back into a human so help me God I....
The sound of Randall's angry voice upset Lion Stanley. Which caused Stanley to just about to pounce on Kevin, Bullet, and Randall.
Bullet: I didn't want to die like this! Getting killed by a cat-like animal. That's my worst nightmare ever!
Kevin: This is it! This is it! We're all going to become Loin Chow and....
The Lion Stanley makes a confused face then falls asleep. Bullet, Randall, and Kevin were relieved.
Randall: That was so close....
Bullet: Yeah, I'd rather die with cocaine in my veins than get devoured by a lion.
Kevin: Alas, poor Stanley. We knew him well.
The song ends.
Dusty, Gina, and the Zookeeper came to the pharmacy.
Zookeeper (takes the now tranquilized Stanley): My job here is done.
Dusty: We did it! We actually did it!
Gina: Stanley is now the Naked Prey! (laughs) Get it? That movie had lions in it!
Randall (shakes Dusty's and Gina's hands): Wow! You both really came through for me. That promotion is yours for sure! Dusty and Gina you both were the best at what you do today.
Dusty: Ahhh, it was nothing. Hmmm, nobody has ever told me I was the best at anything before.
Gina: Anyway, those people from the Inventors Associates Society are here.
Randall: Let's go out and meet them everyone.
Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Randall all run out to meet the men from the Inventors Associates Society.
Man #1 (hands Randall a check): Are you Randall Crawford?
Man #2: We've been looking all over for you!
Randall: That's me! The one and only!
Bullet: Randall is his name! Inventing is his game!
Dusty shows the boot with the Fountain of Youth inside to the men of the Inventors Associates Society.
Kevin: We made the concoction right here in this boot.
The men who worked for the Inventors Associates Society were very impressed.
Man #1: It seems like you really did discover the Fountain of Youth!
Man #2: For that we reward you with a $100,000 check! Be sure to use it with pride, honor, and dignity!
Randall (jumps up and down): YES YES YES! Hallelujah! (sings) We're In the Money! We're In the Money! It's All Just for Me and Not For Anyone Else!
Inventors Associates Society leaves and takes the Fountain of Youth. The men drive off.
Man #1: Goodbye!
Man #2: Have a nice day!
Kevin: Wow Dad! This is a happy day for you. Now you can save your house and pay off your taxes.
Randall: That's what I'll do for sure. If I have any money left over, I'm saving that for myself as well.
Gina: Maybe you can use some money left over to build an extra holding room in the Police Station.
Bullet: Rich Uncle Pennybags ain't got nothing on you!
Kevin: Hey, wait a minute.
Gina: What is it? Going to ruin your Dad's great day?
Kevin: What is going to happen to Stanley?
Bullet: Who cares? I never liked that old fucker anyway. He'll be back in our next adventure like nothing happened to him.
Gina: One of the perks to being a cartoon character.
Randall: Let's all shut up and cash in this check!
The scene changes to the Paradise Zoo. Stanley was back to normal after being tranquilized. Stanley was in a lion's cage protesting for someone to help him get out. The zookeepers keep poking sticks at him.
Stanley: Get me the fuck outta here! I ain't no fucking lion! I am not an animal! I am a human being!
Scene 11:
Back at the Peachtree Cinaplex. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were getting ready to fight Reagan Ridley and Brett Hand.
Fitz: Who sent you?
Reagan: Some guys named Robbie and Delbert called for us.
Brett DeMarco: Why? Oh let me guess, we broke their precious TV and they can't watch their gay ass football!
Brett Hand: That's exactly right.
Zeta: I know who you guys are, they're from that stupid Netflix cartoon Inside Job. Your show sucks dick!
Fitz: Robbie and Delbert got you guys to wreck our fun movie night? How did they even have access to you?
Reagan: You'd be surprised at who we have on our call list.
Brett Hand: And you deserved it, too.
Brett DeMarco: Now you're really getting me mad...
Fitz: They had no right to do that.
Brett Hand: And you had no right to break their TV. SO who are you to judge?
Reagan: It was us who had those cheesy B movies come onto the theaters here!
Fitz: Now, wait, I just wanted to give my adopted daughter and my right hand man the experience I had growing up going to the Drive-In.
Brett DeMarco: There are no Drive-In Theaters here in Paradise, so we thought we'd use Robbie's and Delbert's TV.
Brett Hand: So in other words, you want to live in the past!
Reagan: Ha! You're one to talk about having no right to take stuff from others.
Zeta: You know you could not have listened to Robbie and Delbert.....
Reagan: Well we did. We're doing them a favor by laying waste to your fun night at the movies.
Brett Hand: Now prepare to get a can of Whoop Ass opened on you! Wait? Do people still say Whoop Ass?
Fitz: Why is it your show has to be popular with young adults and get renewed for another season. Whereas our show Paradise PD hasn't been approved for a fourth season yet!
Reagan: Because your show makes corrupt cops, criminals, and extreme violence look funny. You wonder why it got such bad reviews on the internet.
Brett Hand: Your show is way too pornographic!
Fitz: AFTER THEM!
Reagan and Brett Hand (gulp in fear): This was a mistake. (they both run)
Zeta and Fitz tackle Reagan who tried to run. Fitz and Zeta were now beating her up. Brett DeMarco blocks Brett Hand's path as he tries to run too.
Brett Hand: What a terrible temper you have. I actually feel sorry for you. (shaking scared)
Brett DeMarco: There's only room for one 'Brett' in the world of Netflix adult cartoons. And THAT IS ME!
Then Brett Hand gets picked up and thrown onto the ground by Brett DeMarco who then uses fighting moves he learned when he was in the army.
Brett DeMarco: I have fighting skills I learned in the army! What can you say about yourself, fuckhead!
When Zeta and Fitz finished off Reagan, Brett DeMarco finished off Brett Hand.
Fitz (high fives Zeta): Damn, you are one awesome fighter!
Zeta: Had to fight a lot when my brother was alive.
Brett DeMarco: Let this be the end of these losers.
Reagan and Brett Hand get up and still want to take down Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco.
Fitz: Some people never learn!
Brett DeMarco: Thankfully we have some C4 bags in our pockets!
Zeta: Use them! They're coming.
Reagan: You won't get the best of us....
Brett Hand: We're still going to keep our word for Robbie and Delbert.....
Reagan: No beating can keep up us down and....
Fitz and Brett DeMarco take out the C4 bags and throw them at Reagan and Brett Hand. The force of the explosion makes Reagan and Brett Hand fly in the air.
Reagan and Brett Hand: Inside Job is blasting off again!
Zeta: You guys were radical dudes!
Fitz: Well, so much for going to the movies.
Brett DeMarco: All is not lost yet
Zeta: Why do you say that, Uncle Brett?
Brett DeMarco: We can use a huge wall at my pharmaceutical company to have the feel of a Drive-In movie.
Fitz: What are we waiting for, let's go! We'll watch the rest of Red Sun! Then after we'll watch North By Northwest.
Zeta: Who needs the theater anyway?
Moments later, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were in their car watching a movie that was playing on a huge television on the wall of Brett DeMarco's pharmaceutical company. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were having a double feature watching Red Sun and North By Northwest.
Fitz: Is there any wonder why you are my favorite and best man of the Legion of DOOOOOM, Brett?
Scene 12 Conclusion:
Randall got off the phone with the Inventors Associates Society. They were telling him Randall's Fountain of Youth invention proved to be a success. Only if it's used in small doses. Or else men can get turned into lions. Randall hang up the phone feeling happier than he's ever been. Karen walks in with an envelope.
Karen: A statement for your taxes and the house came in the mail.
Randall: Really? What does it say?
Karen (opens mail): All your taxes are paid and we get to keep our house!
Randall: I feel so good I can Pump Up The Jam!
Karen: Please don't play that awful song.
Randall: I'm going to call the bank and see how much money I have left from that check.
Going to the phone again, Randall asks the bank how much money he has left from the check.
Randall: Hello? This is Randall Crawford. How much money to I have left from that $100,000? WHAT! What do you mean I spent it all! FUCK YOU! (hangs up the phone)
Karen: Randall? Is something the matter?
Randall: Some son of a bitch went behind my back and spent all my money and.....
Karen hears laughter outside.
Randall: Why are you laughing at me, Karen?
Karen: It's not me, it's coming from outside!
Randall and Karen run outside only to see a trampoline, a pool, a bounce house, and a swing set in their backyard. Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty were all happily playing on the newly bought playground in their backyard.
Kevin: Hey Dad! Come join the fun!
Dusty: Cannonball!
Bullet: WOO BABY!
Gina: Mama's gonna jump the swing! WWEEE! YYYEEESSS!
Randall: AAAAAHHHH! KEVIN! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!
Kevin: What's the problem Dad? Look what I spent on the last part of the prize money on!
RANDALL: What's the problem!!!! YOU TURNED MY BACKYARD INTO MICHAEL JACKSON'S NEVERLAND RANCH!
Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet all ignored Randall's complaint and had fun in the pool, trampoline, swingset, and bounce house. Stanley Hopson still remained at the Paradise Zoo.
THE END
Fanfic Title:
Drought At The Fountain of Youth
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At the backyard of Randall Crawford's house. Kevin had Dusty, Stanley, Gina, and Bullet lined up to see something he had bought.
Gina: What's the big important thing you bought for your backyard Kevin?
Kevin: It's going to totally blow your mind!
Dusty: Hope it's a swingset! Never had one when I was growing up. My momma could not afford one.
Bullet: You? On a swingset? (laughs) You'll get stuck in a baby swing like that fat drunk in an episode of 1000 Ways To Die I once saw.
Stanley: Whatever it is, I hope it's Gore Vidal in an outhouse.
Kevin: Just come follow me everybody.
Dusty: I know! Is it a bounce house?
Kevin: Close, Dusty! Close!
Dusty: Must be getting warmer!
Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were all astounded by what they had seen in Randall Crawford's backyard. A trampoline.
Kevin: Tah Dah! What do you think about this, everybody?
Gina: A trampoline. Where did you get it?
Kevin: I spent my paycheck on it. I always wanted one in my backyard.
Dusty: Oh boy! Last time I was on a trampoline. It was at Sky Zone. Then my weight broke them all and I got banned from place for good.
Kevin: You'll never get banned here, Dusty. Come on, everybody! You're all invited on my trampoline!
Bullet: Yeah! Let's do this!
Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet all jumped around the trampoline and had lots of fun.
Gina: Check out my killer moves, twat waffles! (jumps and does 20 flips in the air.) Bet you all can't do that!
Kevin: Nahhh, I won't be that extreme. (jumps up and down)
Stanley: This reminds me of when I had ass sex with PT Barnum. On a trampoline just like this one!
Bullet: (jumps high into the air): I can qualify for the Olympics with this high jump!
Dusty: Oh look! It's holding my weight. (bounces all around)
The way Dusty jumped on the trampoline, it made a shake that nearly knocked everyone off.
Bullet: Fuck! Dusty! Watch your weight!
Stanley: Yeah, you fat fucker! You almost knocked us off.
Dusty (rolls eyes): Sorry sheesh!
Bullet (Jumps into the air): Woo! Hoo! This is almost as fun as heroin! And I love heroin!
Gina (jumps into the air): Bet you can't top this!
Stanley: Check out these moves! (jumps into the air)
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Bullet were all challenging each other to do the highest jump. Dusty felt left out.
Kevin: Why aren't you joining us, Dusty?
Dusty: I don't wanna hurt anyone. Feel like Dom Deluise in Fatso.
Kevin: Don't feel bad you just.....
Randall (runs into the backyard): What the fuck is going on here!
Kevin: HEEEK DAD! (sees Randall): Oh I meant, Hi, Dad! Look what I spent my paycheck on! Cool hey?
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! I should've known you were going to spend it on something useless like this. (sees Dusty) What's wrong with you? Don't you usually think shit like this is fun?
Dusty (saddened tone): I got fat shamed.
Randall: Why didn't you give your paycheck to me so I can pay my taxes?
Kevin: You didn't ask.
Bullet: Kevin invited us, we were just having a great time with this. It's not like there's a beer keg around.
Randall: We are supposed to be officers of the law. People have to take us seriously and this is what you all do in your spare time?
Stanley: Who even knows about this trampoline but us?
Randall: Shut the fuck up Stanley. (sees Gina): GINA! You are my best cop! Why are you wasting your time on this fucking trampoline shit?
Gina (gets down from the trampoline): Pfft, can't a woman with 'Bitch Be Crazy' syndrome have a little fun every now and then?
Kevin: Guess this means we have to report to work.
Dusty: Just as Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca. "We'll always have Paris. We'll always have Kevin's Backyard Trampoline".
Randall: We are not going back to headquarters. In fact, everybody meet me at the Wal-mart Pharmacy that got shut down.
Bullet: You don't hear that everyday! Hopefully there will be some inhalants and hallucinogens!
Randall: We are NOT going there to experiment with outdated prescriptions!
Kevin: Okay Dad. We're coming.
Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin all follow Randall to the Wal-Mart.
Scene 2:
The Paradise PD were now at the Pharmacy at Walmart that was shut down.
Gina: What is the purpose of bringing us here?
Dusty: Yeah, shouldn't we be at the police station instead?
Randall: I brought you all here because I found out I am behind on my taxes.
Kevin: Oh no. Does this mean we're going to lose the house.
Randall: That's exactly what it means! If you hadn't spent your fucking paycheck on that piece of shit trampoline. We would not be here!
Bullet: It's not easy being the scapegoat, is it Kevin? (laughs)
Kevin: No, (sneering) everything's always my fault when it comes to Dad.
Stanley: Are we going to have an opiate party like they did in the Roaring 20s?
Randall: Nope, we are not here to party. We are going to try to use this place to raise money.
Dusty: We can do a bake sale.
Randall: No bake sales! You'll just end up eating all the cupcakes anyway.
Gina: You got any bright ideas?
Randall: In fact, I do! We all know about this pandemic going on called the coronavirus. Also known as the Covid 19? Right?
Stanley, Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty: Right.
Randall: I was thinking. It's our job as policemen to come up with a cure.
Dusty: We got the vaccines....
Kevin: Yeah, and covid only lasts for 2 weeks.
Dusty: Kevin's right. After 2 weeks, you're all better.
Gina: If you're lucky.
Bullet: What you're saying is, we have to come up with a cure? We're not scientists at Pfizer or Moderna you know.
Randall: Who said anything about science? We'll just mix up whatever meds we can find and give it to whoever has covid. If said person gets better, BINGO! We got a cure for it, and the Paradise PD will forever go down in history as the American Police Department who came up with the cure.
Kevin: That's a wonderful idea Dad! Then you can get money for it and save our house.
Randall: Precisely! Everyone into the drug room.
Bullet goes into the drug room and comes out with an oxygen tank.
Dusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you trying to be ALF or something, Bullet?
Gina: You look like a Space Oddity, Bullet. (laughs) David Bowie would be proud!
Randall: Stop fucking around Bullet! This is a serious matter!
Kevin: I don't want to end up homeless and have to eat in a soup kitchen.
Gina: Actually I live in a duplex. The other house is empty. You all can move into there if you want.
Bullet: Glad you all liked my joke. I was being Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome! I FEEL LIKE A DUCK BILLED PLATAPUS!
Dusty: I thought that's where it was from!
Stanley: For a minute there I thought you was being Oliver Hardy in The Big Noise when Stan Laurel put that camera over his head.
Randall: Great reference there. I thought I was the only one who liked Stan and Ollie. Speaking of them, I was always Ollie. And Kevin was always Stan.
Kevin: (scratches his head and cries): But I couldn't help it (sobs)
Scene 3:
Outside Robbie's and Delbert's crackhouse. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were sitting in a car and they all appeared to be looking into a window. Robbie and Delbert were inside the crackhouse watching a football game on a TV they had stolen.
Brett DeMarco: Couldn't we have just gone to a movie theater?
Fitz: No way. I want to share with you guys the fun I had at the Drive-In back during my youth.
Zeta: I'm having fun with it, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: I know you are. Trying to get Brett here to appreciate it!
Brett DeMarco: I would 'appreciate' it a lot more if we didn't have to use these hicks' TV!
Fitz: There's no drive in movies anymore here in Paradise. So I wanted to improvise!
Brett DeMarco: How? By using Robbie's and Delbert's TV?
Fitz: Damn! They turned it back onto that fucking football game! Good thing I got a universal remote.
Brett DeMarco: Use it. Thought we were watching Red Sun!
Fitz uses the remote to turn back the movie. Robbie and Delbert begin to rant.
Robbie: What the fuck is this shit!
Delbert: Thought we was watchin' football, not some fucking samurai ninja cowboy whatever....
Robbie and Delbert use their remote to turn back on the football game.
Fitz: Shit! Not again! (uses universal remote)
The TV turned back onto the movie Red Sun.
Robbie: Fuck it to hell!
Delbert: Change the channel, I wanna see some cheerleader boob!
Robbie changes the channel back to the football game.
Brett DeMarco: They're really playing hardball here!
Fitz: I HATE FOOTBALL! (uses universal remote)
Zeta: Get them Daddy Fitz! Get them!
The TV turns back onto Red Sun.
Robbie: GGGRRR!! THIS AGAIN! I hate westerns! They ain't even speaking English! Speaking some alien language.
Delbert: GODDAMMIT! There's that Chinese dude Charles Bronson again. FUCK THAT! I don't wanna see him, I wanna see Aaron Hernadez!
A war had broken out between Fitz and Robbie as they both kept pressing the buttons on their remotes. Instead of going back and fourth to the football game and the Western movie Red Sun, more channels appear.
TV: You're watching....FOX News Reports......Stay tuned for an all new.....NBC Presents......Coming up next........Today's Weather.....Come On Over To.....
Fitz uses the universal remote once more and instead of the football game or Red Sun, something extremely shocking coming onto the TV. It shows Peter Graves totally naked wearing a condom.
Peter Graves: This is Peter Graves and I am using a Trojan condom! Trojan! The most trusted name in....
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Robbie, and Delbert: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Robbie uses his remote one more time, the TV explodes. Robbie and Delbert swear revenge.
Fitz (drives away): Holy fuck! We can't let them know it's us!
Zeta: Drive faster, Daddy Fitz!
Brett DeMarco: Now we can go to a normal theater!
Fitz: We'll try the Peachtree Cinaplex!
However, Robbie and Delbert spotted them.
Delbert: Think that Kingpin fella was here, Robbie.
Robbie: I knew that. I am going to make a phone call.
Delbert: To who?
Robbie: To some good friends of mine. (uses phone): Hello, can you get me Reagan Ridley please? Yes hello. We want you to track down Gerald Fitzgerald for us. Wherever he goes, make his life hell.....
Scene 4:
At the Walmart Pharmacy. Randall was demanding Dusty, Stanley, Gina, Kevin, and Bullet to find some meds that were effective against the covid.
Randall: This is how it's all going down, you all have to do some research to find out which meds are strong against covid so we can mix them all together.
Kevin: We'll need a mixing bowl Dad.
Randall: Good thinking for once, Kevin!
Bullet (holding a boot): I could not find a mixing bowl, so this Sperry TopSider Boot will have to do.
Randall: Son of a bitch! Doesn't anyone use mixing bowls anymore? All right then, we'll use the boot!
Gina (on her iphone): Says right here that Prozac can protect people against covid.
Dusty: I did my homework on this too! There's this drug for horses called ivermectin!
Gina: Ooooh! Dusty you are so hot when you speak so scientifically!
Bullet: Ivermectin? Drug for horses? Damn! Horses get all the privileges! I envy those assholes!
Kevin: I got something Dad! (has a bottle of pills)
Randall: What do you have there?
Kevin (reads the bottle): This stuff called Annacannaprannastan!
Stanley: Annacannaprannastan is some good stuff! It was the date rape drug from World War 2!
Randall: Sounds like something from the Mideast! At least it doesn't sound like it's from Wuhan! We'll use that too.
Mixing the Ivermenctin, Prozac, and Annacannaprannastan inside the boot. Randall believes it needs one more ingredient.
Randall: One more thing we need to make it stand out....
Dusty (with a bag of beans): Why not try these Mexican Jumping Beans?
Randall: WHAT! Are you insane, Dusty! That's not a pharmacy drug!
Dusty: Fine! I'll keep them for myself, then.
Swallowing the Mexican Jumping Beans, Dusty begins to jump all around.
Dusty: ! HELP! I CAN'T STOP JUMPING!
Stanley: Quit that jumpin'! You're gonna cause an earthquake! Worse than the one in 1906 in Ecuador! I should know! I was there!
Dusty (jumps all around): HOW DO I STOP JUMPING! HHHEEELLLPPP!
Bullet: Try throwing it up like in those Ancient Rome orgies.
Dusty (still jumping): Okay! I'm gettin' kind of sick anyway. (vomits out the beans)
Vomiting out the Mexican Jumping Beans, Dusty's vomit lands squarely into the boot. This causes the boot to shake like it's about to explode. Instead the boot begins to make retching sounds jumping all around and then sounds like it is urinating. Afterwards, it made a sound like it's playing a Congo dance song. The Paradise PD begin dancing around. Then the boot stops moving and jumping all around and it is now at a standstill. Randall goes to check on it.
Randall: We did it! We actually made something!
Kevin: And to think we aren't even scientists!
Stanley: Scientists hey? I was disguised as Madam Currie once.
Gina: We'll need to test it. But where?
Bullet: Suppose we can go to a hospital and use it on covid patients.
Randall: NO NO NO! We'll have to try to on someone who comes in here.
Gina: Yeah, you think someone with covid will just walk inside this Walmart? In your dreams, twat waffle.
Kevin sees two people walk in. It was Karen and her mother Agatha Culpepper. Both were wearing masks.
Karen: Now Mom, remember to wear your mask. You have the first signs of covid.
Agatha: Thanks for helping me, Karen. You're a good daughter. Even if you did marry that Randall Crawford scumbag.
Kevin: I think we found our first customer, Dad!
Randall: Oh great! Did it have to be her! Why can't she get kidnapped like Bette Midler in Ruthless People?
Scene 5:
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all drove to the Peachtree Cinaplex Theater. A local theater that was famous for showing one classic movie in all of the theaters. The front sign reads, "NOW PLAYING NORTH BY NORTHWEST starring CARY GRANT" On the roof, Reagan Ridley and Brett Hand from Inside Job. The two people Robbie and Delbert called to exact their revenge on Fitz for breaking their TV.
Reagan: Okay, there's our victims! Is everything set?
Brett Hand: Yes it is. Everything is ready. So don't worry.
Reagan (sees Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta get out of their car): Here they are now. When they enter the theater the movie they want to see will not be the one they were looking for.
Brett Hand: I understand the plan very well.
Reagan: We better go and hide.
Brett Hand: Right!
Going up to the ticket boot, Fitz pays for the tickets. Brett DeMarco sees the person working at the ticket booth is wearing the same suit as he.
Fitz: Three for North By Northwest please.
Brett DeMarco (to ticket booth person): And may I add, that is an impressive suit you're wearing.
Ticket Booth Person: Yeah, management makes us wear these stupid ass things.
Walking inside the theater, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta notice they were the only ones inside.
Fitz: Damn! Where is everybody?
Brett DeMarco: So what? Who cares? We got this place to ourselves.
Fitz: Assholes are probably at home scared they'll get covid or something so they now watch movies at home on Paramount +!
Zeta: Why are we seeing North by Northwest, Daddy Fitz?
Brett DeMarco: Was hoping they would show Red Sun here! Wanting to see how that flick turned out.
Fitz: They're not playing Red Sun. Besides, we can always see that on Amazon some other time.
Zeta: Heard its one of the best movies ever made. I'd love to see North by Northwest Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco: Does this theater show classic movies? It said so on the sign up front.
Fitz: Yes it does. In fact this movie cinaplex has lots of theaters and it shows the same movie in each one.
Zeta: Awesome! Let's go find our seats.
Fitz: OKay, we'll go to the first theater, Brett you're sitting in between me and Zeta.
Brett DeMarco: All right! (rolls eyes)
Walking into the first movie theater. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all take their seats. The movie is about to begin.
Zeta: The movie is about to start.
The curtain opened, and the movie screen shows the Tri-Star Pictures logo.
Fitz: The hell? Tri-Star Pictures? That's a subsidiary of Columbia Pictures!
Brett DeMarco: That movie studio never made any Hitchcock movies!
The screen then shows a curtain and out comes an announcer with a microphone.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages. We are going to present for your approval a novelty picture with an all midget cast!
Fitz: What the fuck? Isn't this Terror Of Tiny Town?
Brett DeMarco: Looks like it! I remember seeing this at the Canned Film Festival circa 1986.
Announcer: I'm told it has everything and I mean everything that a.....
Then a midget cowboy comes out.
Zeta: Yep, it's not North by Northwest.
Fitz: Come on, let's try to find another theater.
Brett DeMarco, Fitz, and Zeta go to the second theater at the cinaplex. The same thing happens again. As the curtain opens.
Fitz: Everything is looking good so far......
Instead of showing North By Northwest, Ski Fever is shown.
Brett DeMarco: AGAIN! First Terror of Tiny Town, now this! It's like a 1960's beach movie only with a ski slope!
The movie screen reads "SKI FEVER starring Claudia Martin Martin Milner. Then the theme song plays, "Snow drifting down, all day all white! This wintry weather lets get together! Hee hee! Ski Fever all right!"
Fitz: Come on you guys. We'll try another theater.
Zeta: I agree. There has to be one that shows North by Northwest.
Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Fitz try to find a theater that is showing their desired movie.
Scene 6:
At the Walmart. Kevin waves to his mother and grandmother.
Kevin: Hey Mom and Grandma.
Karen walks up to the pharmacy with Agatha.
Agatha: Ahh, it's my retard grandson!
Karen: Randall, what are you and the PD doing here?
Randall: Trying to find a cure for covid that's what.
Gina: It was all his idea to improve our image as policemen.
Kevin: That's right, Mom! Then we can REALLY be heroes.
Dusty: What brings you here, Mayor Karen?
Karen: My mom has the beginning stages of covid.
Randall: EXCELLENT!
Karen: Why is that good news to you?
Randall (stammers): Well...it's excellent because we may have found a cure.
Bullet: That's correct. That way your Mom will be the perfect test subject.
Karen: Mom? Do you want to try this covid cure the Paradise PD made?
Agatha: I guess. I don't want to get any sicker than I already am!
Stanley: Come with us then!
Karen and Agatha enter the pharmacy. Bullets takes a spoonful of the 'cure' and give it to Agatha.
Bullet: Open wide!
Agatha takes the 'cure' and begins to react. First has a bad reaction then a good reaction.
Kevin: Ooooh! I hope we didn't kill Grandma!
Agatha (makes sounds) hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!
Dusty: Shit dude! I hope we didn't turn her into Shemp Howard.
The 'cure' has another effect. Within minutes right before their eyes, Agatha was young again. She was now Karen's age.
Agatha (laughs youthfully): HA HA HA HA!
Karen: Mom! You look like you could be my sister!
Agatha: That's right, Karen! I'm young again!
Randall: This turned out better than I thought!
Karen: Do you still feel covid symptoms, Mom?
Agatha: Not anymore! I feel like I've been reborn! More healthier too!
Gina: Did we just discover the Fountain of Youth?
Randall: In fact we did! Consider this our Lorenzo's Oil!
Karen: Oh mom! You're young and healthy! This is wonderful!
Agatha: YAY! Let's celebrate my rebirth!
Randall: Hey, Kevin. Why not try to fuck her so you can become your own grandfather.
Kevin: What? Commit incest? I don't think so!
Dusty: Celebrate you say? Anyone want that Marshmallow Jumbo cake at the Wal-Mart bakery?
As the Paradise PD along with Karen and Agatha go to the bakery to have the Marshmallow Jumbo cake.
Karen: Why did you want to discover the cure for covid.
Randall: So I can get rich and pay off my taxes and keep our house.
Karen (rolls eyes): Typical of you Randall. Always out for yourself. Anyway, guess I can forgive you! You made my mom young again!
Gina: Forget the covid cure. Imagine how much you can make just by inventing a Fountain of Youth!
Bullet: You seem to have restored her immune system too!
Agatha: I actually feel stronger now! (lifts some heavy weights)
Randall: When we're done we should try this on someone else next.
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were now at the Walmart Eatery having the Marshmallow Jumbo cake. Stanley refused to have any. Dusty has an announcement.
Dusty: Before we begin I wanted to tell Randall I used my iphone to film a video of you making Agatha become young again!
Randall: Awesome thinking, Dusty!
Dusty: You bet. Not only that, I emailed it to the Inventors Associates Society!
Bullet: Dusty actually did something useful!
Stanley: No cake for me, thanks. Don't trust it. I was a baker for James Corbin once. He didn't keep me around for the cooking let's say.
Kevin: You are cool, Dusty!
Dusty: I got just an email back saying they're going to be here in an hour to claim your prize.
Gina: Woah, Dusty! I am ever more attracted to you now!
Randall: YES! My taxes are paid! Plus, my house is saved!
Gina: No need to stay in my duplex then!
Karen: You're sure to get a lump sum of money for this.
Agatha: I was wrong about you, Randall. I approve of your marriage to my daughter!
Bullet: Bet you never thought you'd hear your mother in law say that! (laughs)
Gina: What do you say we dig into this Marshmallow Jumbo! You can have my seconds, Dusty!
Dusty: Seconds? I'd be delighted!
Everyone: YAY!
Bullet eats the cake first, then Randall, Dusty, Kevin, Karen, Agatha and Gina eat the cake too. Everyone was having a hard time chewing the 'marshmallows'.
Kevin (chewing): These marshmallows must be stale.
Dusty (chewing): I don't see any problem with the marshmallows!
Gina (chewing): They're hard at first, then they get soft for some reason.
Agatha (chewing): I just got young again, and now I might have to need dental work. Oh, Gina's right. They do get soft after a while.
Randall (chewing and hitting himself on the head): God dammit! What the fuck are these marshmallows made of?
Karen (chewing): I know, right.
Kevin soon blows out a bubble. As does Gina.
Gina: Did anyone just blow out a bubble?
Kevin: I did!
Bullet then blows out a bubble, then did Karen and Agatha.
Karen (blows bubble): Oh my gosh!
Agatha (blows bubble): Yyyeeekkk! What kind of a cake is this!
Randall: This cake is....(blows bubble) God Dammit! Again, this cake is shit and.....(blows bubbles)
Dusty: Oh come on guys. No need to complain, I didn't make it, Walmart did and....(blows bubble) Son of a bitch!
The bubble blowing goes on. Randall, Bullet, Kevin, Karen, Agatha, Gina, and Dusty all blow bubbles simultaneously at random. Some bubbles even came out of Randalls ears, bubbles came out of Kevin's nose. Oddly enough, bubbles came out of Dusty's penis and ass! Stanley is glad he didn't have any cake.
Gina (sees Bubbles come out of Dusty's penis): OOoooh! Bubblicious Hubba Bubba!
Stanley: See? This is why I don't trust cake!
Kevin: I say, I could've sworn this cake was called Marshmallow Jumbo.
Bullet: If you ask me, it's more like 'Marshmallow Gumbo'!
Karen: That's it! There must be gumballs in this cake!
Agatha: Let's go, thanks for the cake, guys.
Karen: Where are we going, Mom?
Agatha: To have a girl's day on the town, where else?
Karen and Agatha left to have fun. Randall decides to wait for the Inventors Associates Society. The Paradise PD goes back to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy.
Randall: You know what? Fuck this cake anyway! We'll wait for the Inventor Associates Society to come so I can claim my prize. (throws out the cake)
Dusty: YES! I got another email from them. They're on their way right now and they're going to give you $100,000!
Randall: Fantastic Dusty! You really came though for me this time! You're like the son I never had!
Kevin: You have a son. What's wrong with the one already have?
Randall: Shut the fuck up, Kevin.
Bullet: Don't we need to straighten this place out? You know, to make a good impression on them? My old owners I used to live with were like that.
Randall: This is Walmart, not Police Headquarters.
Bullet: We didn't even think to name this stuff.
Gina: We'll call it 'Fountain of Youth', what else?
Randall: Gina and Dusty remind me to give you both a promotion!
Dusty (squeals): Golly gee whiz! A promotion!
Gina: Best day ever. (to Randall): Say listen. Didn't you say earlier you wanted to try this on someone else?
Randall: Oh yes. Thanks for reminding me Gina.
Kevin: Yes but who? I'll make Dad proud, there's gotta be an old person around here somewhere. (sees Stanley): I found someone!
Stanley: Why are you all staring at me, for?
Randall and Kevin zone in on Stanley.
Stanley: What? What kind of shit is this?
Dusty: I'll go get the Fountain of Youth! (walks off)
Scene 8:
Dusty comes back with the Fountain of Youth in the boot. He gives it to Randall. Bullet takes a spoonful.
Randall: Oh, Stanley!
Stanley: Oh I get it! You wanna make me eat that Fountain of Youth shit!
Gina: You're perfect for it, you old twat waffle!
Bullet: If it made a woman young again, maybe this stuff will work for a man!
Randall: You're right, Bullet! Then I'd really be raking in the dough!
Dusty: Don't you wish you were young again?
Stanley: Nope nope nope! (shakes head sideways)
Bullet (holds spoon at Stanley's face): You once said you were in Mary Poppins right? Remember a song that goes like this? (singing) A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
Kevin: Yeah, Stanley! If you're young again. You can go back to Hollywood and have gay sex with the celebrities of today! Wouldn't you like that?
Bullet (with a spoon full of Fountain of Youth): Yummy yummy! Down the hatch! As Sonny from Cocoa Puffs used to say, Munchy Crunchy Chocolately!
Stanley: You fucking assholes! I refuse to be the guinea pig.
Gina: Take it, Stanley! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT! (shouts in Stanley's face)
Randall: Well you have no choice in the matter! Now take it!
Kevin: Yeah, Stanley! If you do, you'll make a good impression on the Inventors Associates Society!
Bullet: I know what can make him open his mouth!
Before Stanley knew it, Bullet bit him in the crotch. Stanley belts out a scream and Bullet gives the spoon to Dusty who shoved it inside Stanley's mouth.
Dusty: HA! Sure feels good to force feed someone. Everyone is always force feeding me.
Stanley (makes sounds): hee bee bee bee bee bee bee!
Randall: How much of that Fountain of Youth did we give him?
Stanley: I feel so youthful! So horny! Getting stronger by the minute!
Dusty: I dunno! I can't keep track of everything!
Seconds pass, right before their eyes. Instead of a younger version of Stanley. What the Paradise PD saw instead was a lion. The Fountain of Youth has turned Stanley into a lion.
Stanley: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR!
Kevin (chattering): Stanley! What came over you? Should we call you, Simba now?
Randall: What the hell! Why the fuck is Stanley a lion! Why not a younger Stanley?
Dusty: That's the $64,000 Question! He's turned into MGM!
Gina: It's supposed to make him younger not some cock sucking wild beast!
Bullet: If that isn't bad enough, imagine what the Inventors Associates Society is going to think about this!
Stanley: ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! (jumps out of a window)
Kevin: He's going to destroy Walmart!
Gina: No shit! And we're still in the pharmacy!
The Lion Stanley went back and grabbed Kevin.
Kevin: HHHEEELLLPPP! DAD! DAD! DAD! SSSAAAVVVEE MMMMEEEE!
The Lion Stanley proceeded to terrorize the Walmart shoppers and destroy everything inside.
Scene 9:
At the Peachtree Cinaplex. Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta found another theater to sit in. With hopes that their desired movie North By Northwest will be shown.
Fitz: Know this is wishful thinking, the third try is the charm.
Brett DeMarco: If it's another B Movie I'll scream.
Zeta: We can't have everything, Uncle Brett.
Going inside the theater, looking for a place to sit. Once Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta found their seats, the three of them looked up at the screen. Only to see Project Moonbase was on.
Fitz: Please let this be a trailer or something.....
Zeta: Something tells me this is a movie and not a trailer.
Brett DeMarco: Who the fuck built this cinaplex, Ed Wood?!
In the room where the film was showing the movie, Reagan and Brett Hand were laughing.
Reagan: We're really ruining their movie night, hey!
Brett Hand: This is the most fun I've ever had!
Fitz (watches movie): Hey, wait a minute, I know this movie! I saw it when I was a kid.
Zeta: What's the movie, Daddy Fitz?
Fitz: It's Project Moonbase!
Brett DeMarco: (screams): I knew it! One last time, let's try another theater!
Reagan and Brett Hand see Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta leave the theater.
Brett Hand: As much fun as I'm having doing this favor for Robbie and Delbert. I kind of feel bad for the kid.
Reagan: Who cares about the kid. We'll go into another film room and show them The Brain That Wouldn't Die!
Brett Hand and Reagan sneak out of the film room to follow Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta. The three of them were now in another theater.
Fitz: Someone is trying to fuck with us. I just know it.
Brett DeMarco: I'm starting to feel that way, too.
Zeta: But who would do something like this? Maybe one of those Paradise PD dudes?
Fitz: Could be. I wish I knew. Probably someone I made a bad drug deal with who wants to get back at me.
The movie screen lights up.
Fitz: Okay. Here comes the movie. North By Northwest here we come!
Brett DeMarco (rolls eyes): About time.
The movie screen turns from white to black. Then a woman's voice is heard. "LET ME DIE LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE!"
Zeta: Oh no! Not again!
The movie screen shows the title, "THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE!"
Fitz (jumps out of the seat): All right! I've had enough of this shit! I demand to speak to the manager!
Zeta: Once we find the manager, we shall get in his face, Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco: I'll do more than yell. I'll give him the Five Finger Death Punch!
When Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were about to leave the theater, the movie screen begins to seemingly melt.
Fitz: DAMN! THE SCREEN IS MELTING!
Brett DeMarco (sees a spark): That's not melting! THAT'S FIRE!
Zeta: Oh no! I've never been in a fire before.
Fitz: Never fear, Zeta! We'll keep you safe.
Brett DeMarco: Follow me! I'll take you both to the exit.
Trying the Emergency Exit, it was locked.
Brett DeMarco: This is some type of fucking sick joke! I just know it!
Fitz: Who the fuck is doing all this? Nick Nolte from Cape Fear?!
The movie theater soon began to fill with popcorn.
Fitz: Great! Now what!
Brett DeMarco (looks at the ceiling): It appears to be coming from the ceiling!
The fire on the movie screen stopped. Now the outside of the movie theater was exposed. So did the popcorn dropping from the ceiling. Soon, coming out of the burned movie screen, Reagan and Brett Hand reveal themselves to Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta.
Zeta: Who are you people!
Fitz: Yeah, are you guys the Chinese? The Russians?
Brett DeMarco: Some shitty boy band like One Direction?
Reagan: Prepare for Trouble!
Brett Hand: Make it Double.
Reagan: To Protect The World From Devastation!
Brett Hand: To Unite All Peoples Within Our Nation!
Reagan: To Denounce the Evils of Truth And Love!
Brett Hand: To Extend Our Wrath from the Skies Above!
Reagan: Reagan Ridley!
Brett Hand: Brett Hand!
Reagan: Inside Job Blasts Off At The Speed of Light!
Brett Hand: Surrender Now Or Prepare to Fight!
Fitz: You want a fight! Let's take it outside!
Reagan: You're on!
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Reagan, and Brett Hand were all ready to fight with each other!
Scene 10:
The Dandy Warhols Drive plays when Stanley in his new lion form begins breaking, smashing, and wrecking everything in the Wal-Mart. The shoppers and employees run away. Kevin holds onto dear life.
Kevin: I've heard of rodeos with horses, but rodeos with lions! Get me off Stanley! Please! Why are you doing this? I've never done anything to do!
Stanley (running and jumping): ROAR! ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!
Kevin was finally let off by Stanley when jumps up in the air then back down. Kevin runs back to the pharmacy.
Randall: We need to stop that lion before the Inventors Associates Society comes here.
Dusty: He's not going to give you a prize if they find out that Fountain Of Youth turns men into lions.
Randall: Point taken, Dusty.
Kevin: Glad to get off of Stanley. (sees Stanley coming their way) YYYYEEEEEKKKK! Stanley has it out for us!
Stanley has his eyes on Bullet.
Bullet: Please don't let him be hungry for dog meat!
Gina: I got an idea. Dusty, how long before the Inventors Associates Society comes here.
Dusty (gasps): 20 minutes!
Gina: Here's the deal. Dusty and I will call the zookeeper. Come along, hot stuff!
Dusty: Right Gina.
Gina and Dusty go to call the zookeepers. Which triggered a bad memory for Kevin.
Kevin: Zookeeper? Not him again! Hope he doesn't see me!
Soon Lion Stanley had Randall, Bullet, and Kevin in his path.
Randall: You're worried about what a zookeeper thinks of you? We got bigger fish to fry!
Kevin: Back in 2020, meeting that zookeeper was the beginning of the end for me.
Bullet: What the fuck are you talking about?
Kevin: It all led to Kevin Sucks Day!
Randall: Oh so what about that! You brought on all that yourself.
Stanley sniffs Kevin.
Kevin (stuttering): But I...I...I....I...I...I.....
Randall: You're making it a lot worse for us when you show fear like this.
Bullet: Randall is right. In moments like this we need to stand perfectly still.
Randall: That's right so you shouldn't say, (mocking Kevin) I...I.....I....I....I....I...I.. You're not Ozzy Osbourne!
Kevin: Whatever....
Stanley was licking his lion lips as he walked slowly to Bullet, Randall, and Kevin.
Kevin: Dusty and Gina! Please come back soon!
Within minutes, the zookeeper came. Right behind them were the Inventors Associates Society. Both parked their cars at the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Man #1: Are you Randall Crawford?
Zookeeper: No, I'm a zookeeper. There appears to be an issue with a lion.
Man #2: Carry on then. If you see Randall. Tell him to come out here to claim his prize.
Zookeeper: Who are you people?
Man #1 and #2: We're from the Inventors Associates Society.
Zookeeper: Oh I see.
The men from the Inventors Associates Society waited outside as the zookeeper goes in. Dusty and Gina see the zookeeper and lead the way.
Dusty: That's the lion we were telling you about.
Gina: What are you waiting for! Nail his ass!
Zookeeper: Okay! Here I go! (gets a dart gun)
Randall, Bullet, and Kevin were still backed up against the wall of the pharmacy at the mercy of Stanley.
Stanley: RRRR! RRRR! RRRRR! ROAR!
Randall: Goddammit! Stanley! If you turn back into a human so help me God I....
The sound of Randall's angry voice upset Lion Stanley. Which caused Stanley to just about to pounce on Kevin, Bullet, and Randall.
Bullet: I didn't want to die like this! Getting killed by a cat-like animal. That's my worst nightmare ever!
Kevin: This is it! This is it! We're all going to become Loin Chow and....
The Lion Stanley makes a confused face then falls asleep. Bullet, Randall, and Kevin were relieved.
Randall: That was so close....
Bullet: Yeah, I'd rather die with cocaine in my veins than get devoured by a lion.
Kevin: Alas, poor Stanley. We knew him well.
The song ends.
Dusty, Gina, and the Zookeeper came to the pharmacy.
Zookeeper (takes the now tranquilized Stanley): My job here is done.
Dusty: We did it! We actually did it!
Gina: Stanley is now the Naked Prey! (laughs) Get it? That movie had lions in it!
Randall (shakes Dusty's and Gina's hands): Wow! You both really came through for me. That promotion is yours for sure! Dusty and Gina you both were the best at what you do today.
Dusty: Ahhh, it was nothing. Hmmm, nobody has ever told me I was the best at anything before.
Gina: Anyway, those people from the Inventors Associates Society are here.
Randall: Let's go out and meet them everyone.
Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Randall all run out to meet the men from the Inventors Associates Society.
Man #1 (hands Randall a check): Are you Randall Crawford?
Man #2: We've been looking all over for you!
Randall: That's me! The one and only!
Bullet: Randall is his name! Inventing is his game!
Dusty shows the boot with the Fountain of Youth inside to the men of the Inventors Associates Society.
Kevin: We made the concoction right here in this boot.
The men who worked for the Inventors Associates Society were very impressed.
Man #1: It seems like you really did discover the Fountain of Youth!
Man #2: For that we reward you with a $100,000 check! Be sure to use it with pride, honor, and dignity!
Randall (jumps up and down): YES YES YES! Hallelujah! (sings) We're In the Money! We're In the Money! It's All Just for Me and Not For Anyone Else!
Inventors Associates Society leaves and takes the Fountain of Youth. The men drive off.
Man #1: Goodbye!
Man #2: Have a nice day!
Kevin: Wow Dad! This is a happy day for you. Now you can save your house and pay off your taxes.
Randall: That's what I'll do for sure. If I have any money left over, I'm saving that for myself as well.
Gina: Maybe you can use some money left over to build an extra holding room in the Police Station.
Bullet: Rich Uncle Pennybags ain't got nothing on you!
Kevin: Hey, wait a minute.
Gina: What is it? Going to ruin your Dad's great day?
Kevin: What is going to happen to Stanley?
Bullet: Who cares? I never liked that old fucker anyway. He'll be back in our next adventure like nothing happened to him.
Gina: One of the perks to being a cartoon character.
Randall: Let's all shut up and cash in this check!
The scene changes to the Paradise Zoo. Stanley was back to normal after being tranquilized. Stanley was in a lion's cage protesting for someone to help him get out. The zookeepers keep poking sticks at him.
Stanley: Get me the fuck outta here! I ain't no fucking lion! I am not an animal! I am a human being!
Scene 11:
Back at the Peachtree Cinaplex. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were getting ready to fight Reagan Ridley and Brett Hand.
Fitz: Who sent you?
Reagan: Some guys named Robbie and Delbert called for us.
Brett DeMarco: Why? Oh let me guess, we broke their precious TV and they can't watch their gay ass football!
Brett Hand: That's exactly right.
Zeta: I know who you guys are, they're from that stupid Netflix cartoon Inside Job. Your show sucks dick!
Fitz: Robbie and Delbert got you guys to wreck our fun movie night? How did they even have access to you?
Reagan: You'd be surprised at who we have on our call list.
Brett Hand: And you deserved it, too.
Brett DeMarco: Now you're really getting me mad...
Fitz: They had no right to do that.
Brett Hand: And you had no right to break their TV. SO who are you to judge?
Reagan: It was us who had those cheesy B movies come onto the theaters here!
Fitz: Now, wait, I just wanted to give my adopted daughter and my right hand man the experience I had growing up going to the Drive-In.
Brett DeMarco: There are no Drive-In Theaters here in Paradise, so we thought we'd use Robbie's and Delbert's TV.
Brett Hand: So in other words, you want to live in the past!
Reagan: Ha! You're one to talk about having no right to take stuff from others.
Zeta: You know you could not have listened to Robbie and Delbert.....
Reagan: Well we did. We're doing them a favor by laying waste to your fun night at the movies.
Brett Hand: Now prepare to get a can of Whoop Ass opened on you! Wait? Do people still say Whoop Ass?
Fitz: Why is it your show has to be popular with young adults and get renewed for another season. Whereas our show Paradise PD hasn't been approved for a fourth season yet!
Reagan: Because your show makes corrupt cops, criminals, and extreme violence look funny. You wonder why it got such bad reviews on the internet.
Brett Hand: Your show is way too pornographic!
Fitz: AFTER THEM!
Reagan and Brett Hand (gulp in fear): This was a mistake. (they both run)
Zeta and Fitz tackle Reagan who tried to run. Fitz and Zeta were now beating her up. Brett DeMarco blocks Brett Hand's path as he tries to run too.
Brett Hand: What a terrible temper you have. I actually feel sorry for you. (shaking scared)
Brett DeMarco: There's only room for one 'Brett' in the world of Netflix adult cartoons. And THAT IS ME!
Then Brett Hand gets picked up and thrown onto the ground by Brett DeMarco who then uses fighting moves he learned when he was in the army.
Brett DeMarco: I have fighting skills I learned in the army! What can you say about yourself, fuckhead!
When Zeta and Fitz finished off Reagan, Brett DeMarco finished off Brett Hand.
Fitz (high fives Zeta): Damn, you are one awesome fighter!
Zeta: Had to fight a lot when my brother was alive.
Brett DeMarco: Let this be the end of these losers.
Reagan and Brett Hand get up and still want to take down Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco.
Fitz: Some people never learn!
Brett DeMarco: Thankfully we have some C4 bags in our pockets!
Zeta: Use them! They're coming.
Reagan: You won't get the best of us....
Brett Hand: We're still going to keep our word for Robbie and Delbert.....
Reagan: No beating can keep up us down and....
Fitz and Brett DeMarco take out the C4 bags and throw them at Reagan and Brett Hand. The force of the explosion makes Reagan and Brett Hand fly in the air.
Reagan and Brett Hand: Inside Job is blasting off again!
Zeta: You guys were radical dudes!
Fitz: Well, so much for going to the movies.
Brett DeMarco: All is not lost yet
Zeta: Why do you say that, Uncle Brett?
Brett DeMarco: We can use a huge wall at my pharmaceutical company to have the feel of a Drive-In movie.
Fitz: What are we waiting for, let's go! We'll watch the rest of Red Sun! Then after we'll watch North By Northwest.
Zeta: Who needs the theater anyway?
Moments later, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were in their car watching a movie that was playing on a huge television on the wall of Brett DeMarco's pharmaceutical company. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were having a double feature watching Red Sun and North By Northwest.
Fitz: Is there any wonder why you are my favorite and best man of the Legion of DOOOOOM, Brett?
Scene 12 Conclusion:
Randall got off the phone with the Inventors Associates Society. They were telling him Randall's Fountain of Youth invention proved to be a success. Only if it's used in small doses. Or else men can get turned into lions. Randall hang up the phone feeling happier than he's ever been. Karen walks in with an envelope.
Karen: A statement for your taxes and the house came in the mail.
Randall: Really? What does it say?
Karen (opens mail): All your taxes are paid and we get to keep our house!
Randall: I feel so good I can Pump Up The Jam!
Karen: Please don't play that awful song.
Randall: I'm going to call the bank and see how much money I have left from that check.
Going to the phone again, Randall asks the bank how much money he has left from the check.
Randall: Hello? This is Randall Crawford. How much money to I have left from that $100,000? WHAT! What do you mean I spent it all! FUCK YOU! (hangs up the phone)
Karen: Randall? Is something the matter?
Randall: Some son of a bitch went behind my back and spent all my money and.....
Karen hears laughter outside.
Randall: Why are you laughing at me, Karen?
Karen: It's not me, it's coming from outside!
Randall and Karen run outside only to see a trampoline, a pool, a bounce house, and a swing set in their backyard. Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty were all happily playing on the newly bought playground in their backyard.
Kevin: Hey Dad! Come join the fun!
Dusty: Cannonball!
Bullet: WOO BABY!
Gina: Mama's gonna jump the swing! WWEEE! YYYEEESSS!
Randall: AAAAAHHHH! KEVIN! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!
Kevin: What's the problem Dad? Look what I spent on the last part of the prize money on!
RANDALL: What's the problem!!!! YOU TURNED MY BACKYARD INTO MICHAEL JACKSON'S NEVERLAND RANCH!
Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet all ignored Randall's complaint and had fun in the pool, trampoline, swingset, and bounce house. Stanley Hopson still remained at the Paradise Zoo.
THE END
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