FicWad

Paradise PD







Fanfic Title







Genies, Bones, and A Caveman







By: Trenton Sands







Scene 1:





On a Sunday morning. An unidentified figure was running around neighbors and breaking into houses and stealing their electronics. The figure spots a random family. A father and his son.





Dad: Now you see son, the object of this game is.....





The sound of wood breaking is heard and the unidentified figure comes charging in.





Son: Daddy! What's that!





Dad (grabbing a gun): I don't know my son, but I am going to stand my ground!





The unidentified figure throws the gun aside that the Dad had aimed at it. Then the figure knocked out both the Dad and son and took away the television. When the unidentified figure was done with that house, it moved onto another. The house it was headed for was Robbie's and Delbert's crackhouse. A knock was heard from the outside.





Robbie: I'll go get that.





Delbert: Probably that vitamin salesman again.





Robbie: That sumbitch who tried to sell us Balance of Nature?





Opening the door, Robbie greeted the unidentified figure.





Robbie: Hello! Can I offer you some crack and.....





Pushing Robbie aside, the figure takes the TV. Delbert tries to intervene.





Delbert: Hey, what did you do to my friend, you mother fucker! (sees figure taking the TV): Where are you going with that! We was watching The Empty Man!





The unidentified figure knocks out Delbert too, and takes the TV and runs out. The cycle repeats itself again.





At Paradise PD Headquarters. Gina was getting a cup of coffee. Kevin spots her. Dusty is waiting for his turn to get coffee.





Dusty: Unlike other police stations, we got a cold cappuccino here! Can't wait to try it with my doughnuts!





Gina (filling her coffee): ....and done. Perfect for a hot Georgia summer day like this!





Dusty: YAY! ALL RIGHT! MY TURN NOW! (talks to his doughnuts) Y'all gonna get a yummy bath!





Kevin (To Gina): Hey Gina. You got a date for the Paradise Sadie Hawkins dance this coming Wednesday.





Gina: I already told you, Dusty already asked me.





Dusty: Uh huh. It's true. After years of rejecting Gina thinking she wanted to harm me, I finally gave in!





Kevin: You know, there's more to men than these fat guys you love!





Bullet (walks in): Hmm, why does this look familiar? Asking out Gina again I see?





Kevin: Yes I am. I don't want to be a Wallflower for the big dance.





Gina: Look Kevin! I don't mean to go fourth wall here, but this is the thing. I am in my early 30s. You are in your late teens. I am not into younger men! Never have been! Never will be! And that includes you! Just because you're the lead male and I'm the lead female doesn't mean we have to have a romantic relationship.





Kevin: Uhhhh, soooo....there's hope? We can be like the new Steve and Ethel. You know, from Brickleberry?





Gina: NO! THERE IS NO HOPE! Don't you get it! If you want to go out with an older woman so badly, try fucking one of those dried up menopausal female professors at the Community College! Come on, Dusty. Let's see what Randall wants us to do.





Dusty: Great idea! Even though it's the weekend I'm glad to be at work!





Bullet notices Kevin looks hurt.





Kevin: No matter what she'll never love me.





Bullet: She's got a point you know. This whole 'lead male lead female' having a love story has been an overdone trope. Tried and true.





Kevin: Just gotta think of a way to make her love me. Then she'll fall for me at the Sadie Hawkins dance.





Bullet: Say, I got it!





Kevin: Really? Tell me?





Bullet: There's a Farmer's Market in town, maybe you can get some Love Potion there!





Kevin: Wow, Bullet that does sound like a cool idea! You're the best, Bullet!





Bullet (watches Kevin run out of the police station.): Poor delusional fool!





Kevin: Farmer's Market here I come! Soon, our relationship will be more than work related!











Scene 2:





In the Conference Room, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina were there waiting for Randall's arrival.





Randall (walks in): Listen up, Paradise PD! We have a serious case on our hands here and....(sees Kevin is gone): Where the FUCK is Kevin?





Bullet: He had to take a shower. He called me on my cell, he'll be here soon.





Randall: Ahhh, whatever. Anyway, we've been getting a lot of calls and complains from the community.





Dusty: Whatever is the reason?





Randall: There is an unknown person running around breaking into houses.





Dusty: Is it aliens?





Stanley: Aliens hey? That reminds me of an orgy I had back in 1947 Roswell.





Randall: No it's not an alien. In fact, this 'person' for some reason steals TVs from houses.





Dusty: That's a relief.





Gina: Did you find out where this asshole came from? Let me guess, a Best Buy! (laughs)





Randall: Yes I did. Using my advanced Police Skills, it appears he was from an Observatory....





Dusty: Texas Schoolbook?





Randall: NO! YOU FUCKING DUMBASS! The Observatory of Space And National History.





Bullet: Maybe Hobo Cop is the culprit. I've seen him there a few times.





Randall: No it's not Hobo Cop I'm afraid to say, the person whoever the fuck it is is dressed in all black.





Bullet: Should we investigate the observatory?





Randall: Yes we will. We can talk to some people who might have seen them.





Dusty: To the Observatory Of History and Space!





Randall, Stanley, Gina, Dusty, and Bullet all go into their police cars to go to the Paradise Observatory of Space and National History.









Scene 3:





Kevin was at the Farmer's Market. He was alone. Looking all around he sees a woman in a booth selling perfume. She sees Kevin come to her.





Woman: May I help you, sir?





Kevin: Yes, you wouldn't have to have any Love Potion do you?





Woman: Sir, Love Potion does not exist. Maybe in Shangri La it does but not here.





Kevin: Please! Please! You gotta help me out here and....





Woman: Good day to you sir!





Kevin (walking off): Great! Nobody here wants to help me get some Love Potion. Maybe Bullet had a drug induced hallucination about Love Potion.





Voice (behind Kevin): Say buddy. Are you looking for something that doesn't exist?





Kevin turns behind him and sees a seemingly tall person in a trench coat.





Voice: What's wrong? Never seen a super tall person in a trench coat before?





Kevin: Not to my knowledge. Anyway, do you have any Love Potion?





Voice (hands Kevin a lantern): I have something even better.





Kevin: This is a Genie's Lamp! Gina's heart is as good as mine!





Voice: Exactly. Fuck Love Potion. This is what you need!





Kevin: Do I have to pay you?





Voice: Like that oldies song used to say, "The Best Things In Life Are Free! But You Can Give Them To The Birds And Bees!"





Kevin: Wow! Thank you so much! Oh boy! Gina and I are going to dance the night fantastic this Wednesday! We'll be just like Taylor and Nora from Step Up! (sighs) I can just see us now!





The voice was really Robbie and Delbert disguised in a trench coat.





Robbie and Delbert (both laughing): His ass is going to be brass! He actually believes it!





Delbert: Sadly this is the only way we can amuse ourselves.





Robbie: You're right, Delbert. Once our TV got stolen.





Running home all happy. Kevin runs from the Farmer's Market taking the Genie's Lamp with him.





Scene 4:



At the Paradise Laundromat. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were there. They were wearing different colored suits from the ones they originally wore. Fitz was wearing a red suit, Brett was wearing a green suit. Both of them were waiting for their suits to get cleaned in the washer that starts to shake side to side.



Fitz: Dammit! Those suits should've been done a long time ago. What the fuck is up with that washer!



Brett DeMarco: Well, if you don't get good service, you gotta complain.



Fitz: Those two workers put our suits we usually wear in the wash. Now look at it!



Brett DeMarco: How about we go find them.



Fitz: OKay.



Walking to the back door Fitz and Brett DeMarco hear techno pop music playing very loudly.



Brett DeMarco: Sheesh! What type of cunt suckers like that music? Hope it's not that Fischerspooner shit.



Opening the door, they see two twenty somethings who were playing Dance Dance Revolution. Their names were Jonah and Michael. On the wall there was a poster that was tye dye colored and had a peace sign saying, "LEGALIZE EVERYTHING". Fitz tries to get their attention.



Fitz: Hey.....(gets ignored)....Hey.....(gets ignored) ....HEY!!!!



Jonah and Michael stop their game and turn to Fitz and Brett DeMarco.



Michael: Oh you're the dudes with the suits, man! Sup!



Fitz: Yes we are! And for future reference. Don't ever say 'Sup' to me!



Jonah: What can we do for you, dawgs?



Brett DeMarco: Perhaps you 'dawgs' can take our suits out of the washer!



Fitz: Yes the washer is knocking back and forth! Did you even notice?!



Brett DeMarco: Go on! See what the issue is!



Jonah: Oh right! Sorry. We'll do that. Come on, Michael.



Michael and Jonah lead Fitz and Brett to the washer.



Fitz: Do something about that washer!



Jonah pressed a button that made the washer stop.



Brett DeMarco: Now take out our suits!



Michael takes the suits out that Fitz and Brett always wear only to see the suits have been shredded and stained with red.



Fitz: FUCK! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR SUITS?



Brett DeMarco (exaggerated Italian accent): Look-a What-ya deed to my-a nice-a-blue-a suit-a!



Jonah: Are you one of those Tony Soprano types, dude?



Brett DeMarco: Forget that! How do you explain these red stains!



Fitz: And the ripping?!



Jonah: Sorry, man. We shoulda put detergent but instead we put in Mountain Dew Flamin' Hot!



Fitz: Why didn't you put detergent like you were supposed to!



Michael: Sorry...you see we were pretty wasted with hangovers when we put the Mountain Dew in.



Jonah: Gotta admit it was pretty funny, man! We just wanted to prank somebody is all....



Michael: Yeah...consider yourselves PUNK'D! (laughs with Jonah)



Brett DeMarco: That's it! You won't be hearing from us anymore!



Fitz: We'll go someplace where people can do their jobs right! Good Bye!



Storming out, Fitz and Brett DeMarco walked out of the laundromat.



Fitz: The nerve of those assholes! Nobody does their jobs the right way anymore these days.



Brett DeMarco: You're telling me! Say, think we should get revenge on them?




Fitz: Yes we ought to. But for right now. How about we go to that landfill Zeta and her All Girls School is having her field trip at? I can use a distraction. We're parents now so we should show her support.



Brett DeMarco: That's true. We may be criminal drug dealers and murderers, but we're parents first!



Fitz: You're right. Sheesh even our Legion of DOOOOOM are more competent than those laundromat ass bastards!



Brett DeMarco: After that crap we went through with those slackers at the laundromat. Let's go there. Oh, about that landfill. Isn't that where Twatamala used to be?



Fitz and Brett drive to the Paradise Landfill. They see the students from Zeta's All Girl School is having an archaeological dig. Zeta runs to greet her adoptive Dad and Uncle.



Zeta: Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett!



Fitz: Zeta! I see you're all doing an archaeological dig. We never had field trips like that in my day.



Brett DeMarco: Did you all dig up any fossils?



Zeta: Yeah, we did. Me and some of my friends and other students found a human skeleton fossil. Come take a look!



Leading Fitz and Brett to the human fossil she found, Zeta points to it.



Zeta: There it is!



Fitz: Damn Zeta! I am impressed! You're sure to get an A for this!



Brett takes out a brush and begins to dust off any excess dirt. Zeta and her fellow students all step away as Brett was brushing away at the human skeleton fossil. Much to their horror and surprise, Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all see the human skeleton had skeletal angel wings.



Zeta: Oh my!



Fitz: That's some scary shit!



Brett DeMarco: Seems to be an angel who was murdered and buried. Wait! I'm onto something here!



Zeta: What are you onto, Uncle Brett?



Brett DeMarco: How about we use this angel skeleton to get back at those asshole slackers at the laundromat?



Fitz: What you just said was.. (short pause)....AWESOME! Put the fossil in the car!



Brett, Fitz, and Zeta all carry the angel skeleton fossil into their limo in the back seat.



Fitz: This is going to be so good! I hereby declare this....Operation B.O.N.E.S.! (laughs evilly)



Brett DeMarco: Oh those slackers don't know what's coming to them!



Zeta: You guys have to tell me what those slackers did to you.



Fitz: We'll explain on the way.





Scene 5:



The Paradise PD. It was just Gina, Bullet, Dusty, Randall and Stanley were at the Paradise Observatory of Space and National History. Investigating who was the culprit behind going around breaking into houses and stealing TVs.



Dusty: Wow! It's the Observatory! Like that one in Midnight Madness!



Bullet: Those chicks in that movie were HOT!



Stanley: I 'observed' an astronaut once! I think it might have been Neil Armstrong.



Randall: Everybody shut the FUCK up! We need to concentrate on who was the asshat who was from here...



Gina (points to a human sized hole): HA! That's where our criminal broke out from!



Randall: Good thinking Gina. Let's get inside that hole.



Stanley: Speaking of holes, do any of you know if my Glory Hole sold?



Bullet: People have forgotten about that, Stanley!



Dusty: This is the police! Stick 'em up! (points a gun at the hole)



Coming out of the human sized hole was Hobo Cop.



Hobo Cop: What do you guys want?



The Paradise PD all had their guns on Hobo Cop.



Bullet: Hobo Cop! We knew it!



Randall: Paradise PD! You're under arrest!



Bullet: Do you know anything about break ins and TV theft?



Dusty: Where were you during the early hours of Sunday morning between 10-12?



Hobo Cop: I was here of course. And no, sir. I had nothing to do with any of that.



Gina: What's with the hole! Who made it!



Hobo Cop: Uhh, a caveman did!



Randall: Are you fucking high on crack! Cavemen don't exist anymore!



Hobo Cop: It's true. A caveman was frozen in ice. Then the hot weather and the moisture from this building melted the ice. This is my new home by the way. The caveman was free from the ice so when I came here to live, the caveman threw me out. He punched this hole in the wall before he ran off and that became my new digs. In other words, I came back inside here.



Gina: Should we believe him?



Bullet: How about we check the security room cameras?



Dusty: Yeah, then we'll see who's telling the truth.



Going inside the security room to check the cameras. Randall, Bullet, Gina, Stanley, and Dusty all see a big fat caveman beat up Hobo Cop and punch the hole in the wall and run away.



Gina: Holy fuck Hobo Cop was right all along!



Bullet: Why did it have to be a caveman? I was hoping it was Shelley Long! She was in that Caveman movie with Ringo Starr.



Randall: Who cares! All we need to do is find this fucking caveman son of a bitch!



Gina: Then arrest with ass with violence! His fat ass does attract me! I won't lie!



Dusty: Yeah, but where are we going to find him?



Bullet: Where do cavemen live? Duh, in caves!



Randall: The only cave around here is at the Paradise Nature Preserve.



At the cave where the Paradise Nature Preserve was located. The fat caveman was happily dancing around the pile of TVs he had stolen from the houses.



Caveman: Unga Bunga! Hooba Chobba! Unga Bunga Hooba Chooba!





Scene 6:




Coming home to the Crawford residence. Kevin has his genie lamp.



Kevin: OKay, Genie! Time to work your magic!



Rubbing the lamp, Kevin tries to do a chant.



Kevin: Rubba Duv Duv! Help me win Gina's love!



The genie lamp began to shake violently.



Kevin (screams): This is my biggest what the fuck moment of my life! Those genie movies A Thousand and One Nights and Wishmaster all lied to me!



The genie gets out of his lamp. He was staring at Kevin with contempt. The genie was black skinned and wore a sultan's outfit. He talked like the Dr. Robotnik from the Sonic Sat Am cartoon.



Kevin: Hi, Genie. (shakes and laughs) Nice weather we're having today hey?



Genie: WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME?



Kevin: Uhhh, because I want a date for the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance.



Genie: LET ME GUESS, YOU WANT TO WIN THE LOVE OF A GIRL WHO WORK WITH! AM I RIGHT?



Kevin (laughs nervously): You couldn't be more spot on!



Genie: WISH DENIED!



Kevin: But why? Isn't it a common law with all you genies to grant anyone any wish they want?



Genie: NOT WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS BULLSHIT WE DON'T!



Kevin: So you're not going to make Gina fall for me?



Genie: OUT OF THE QUESTION! YOU SEE FOR CENTURIES AND EONS MANY MORTAL FOOLS LIKE YOURSELF HAVE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO GRANT THEM A WISH TO MAKE SOME WOMAN THEY WORK WITH FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM.....



Kevin: Okay your point....



Genie: MY FUCKING POINT IS THAT IF YOU EVER MADE ME HAVE THIS HEY WAIT! WHO'S GINA?



Kevin: She works with me at the police station. She's very violent. You can't miss her.



Genie: Oh Okay. I think I might know who she is......ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A SNEAK PREVIEW AS TO WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO GINA IF SHE DID FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!


A portal appears for the Genie to show Kevin what fate Gina will have if she did love him. It shows the wedding scene from the episode Parad-Isis where Gina runs out of the church crying. The portal disappeared.



Kevin: Uhh, I don't know what to say....



Genie: THE MESSAGE HERE IS IF YOU MAKE GINA HAVE ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR YOU, SHE'LL FEEL OBLIGATED TO GIVE UP HER VIOLENT WAYS. FOR STARTERS IN THE PORTAL SCENE I SHOWED YOU SHE GOT THAT BULLET TAKEN OUT OF HER HEAD. THEREFORE YOU WILL END UP RUINING HER IN THE END.



Kevin: No that's not true. You can't change the past but you can change the future.



Genie: YOU'RE NOT CHANGING SHIT! FOR WANTING TO CAUSE A WOMAN TO UNRAVEL! YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME UNLEASH A HEX ON YOU!


Kevin watches with fear as the Genie points his fingers at him. Kevin feels a hot tingling sensation all around his body. When the Genie was done, Kevin was encased with cement from his neck down.



Genie: NOW I GET TO CONTROL YOU! MAKE YOU DO WHATEVER I PLEASE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!



Kevin: Oh horsehit! I'm boned.




Scene 7:



Reporting for work at the laundromat, Michael and Jonah go inside.


Jonah: This is the easiest job in the world, dude!


Michael: Yeah, all we do is pour detergent in clothes then wash them.



Jonah: If we don't like customers. We prank them hard!



Michael: Yeah, nobody has yet tried to retaliate against us!



Jonah: After we do our deed, we get to do what we want!


Michael: No shit! I love this job.


Jonah: You know it. Washing clothes then playing Dance Dance Revolution? We got the best of both worlds!


Michael: Like Hannah Montana, but way cooler!


When Jonah and Michael high five each other. They walk inside the laundromat. They become startled at the sight of an angel skeleton that appears before them.



Jonah: Oh no! FUCK! It's Armageddon man!



Michael: Looks like an angel died and rotted away!



When Jonah and Michael were observing the angel skeleton. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were outside of the laundromat in the back alley street corner. Fitz has a karaoke machine and a microphone hooked up.



Fitz: Time to teach these shitfaces to never FUCK with a Kingpin! (laughs evilly)



Jonah (stares at the angel skeleton): Think we should talk to it?



Michael: (stares at the angel skeleton): Uhhh, sure.



Jonah: Maybe we should just stare at it and see if it will fart! (laughs)



Fitz (over microphone): Hello friends!



Jonah and Michael both freaked out because they thought the angel skeleton was talking to them.



Michael: DUDE! It talked to us!



Jonah: Please do tell us about yourself Mr. Angel Skeleton!



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): I'm glad you can join me.



Michael: You are?



Jonah: Why are you here, dude?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): You see, many years ago I was stranded here on Earth. I starved to death and became a fossil. However, I can still talk. But telepathically.



Jonah: That's terrible, dude.



Michael: What's your name and where are you from?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): My name is Bonezy. I'm from the Planet Tarmak.



Jonah: Where is this planet Tarmak?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): It's millions and millions and light years away from Earth. I came here to study your people. Then I realized that I didn't bring any supplements from Tarmak so that's why I starved to death and am now a skeleton.



Michael: Do other angel skeletons live on Tarmak?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): But of course. I will be brought back to life on Tarmak if you both can help me get back there.



Jonah: Awesome! We will.



Michael: We'll be happy to help!



Jonah: Maybe we can tell our friends about you and see if they can.....



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): NO! NO! NO! You can't!



Jonah: Why not?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): It must stay secret between us three.



Michael: What happens if we tell others?



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): Your Dad will come in drunk and beat you up while he's naked.



Jonah: FUCK! I don't want that! Bad enough I still live with my Dad!



Michael: Tell us what to do.



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): Meet me At Laousi Apartments tonight at 8:00 pm sharp.



Jonah: Cool, we'll be there!



Fitz (over microphone talking like TRON): Thank you. Both of you are the key to helping me get back to my home planet. First, let's get to know each other better. Tell Bonezy a little bit about yourselves.



Jonah: Well, I'm addicted to porn......



Fitz (whispers): They're falling for it!



Brett DeMarco: Those dumbasses from this generation will believe anything!



Zeta: This is why I never did drugs!





Scene 8:



At the Paradise Nature Preserve. Randall, Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were walking around trying to look for the cave. There were tourists there that stared at the Paradise PD with worry that there was something suspicious and unusual from the status quo going on.



Dusty: This is the most simplest case we've ever tackled.



Randall: Yeah, cavemen are so easy to spot and track down.



Bullet: No wonder the Geico commercials used to make fun of them.



Gina (sees a trail of TVs): He's in there! Not very smart of this twat waffle to have a trail of TVs. He's almost as dumb as my brothers Bo and Cooter!



Randall, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley all run towards the cave. Stanley then notices he's flying in the air away from his fellow PD officers.



Stanley: Uhh, guys? I'm floating away here!



Randall: Not now, Stanley. We have more important things going on than be analyzing your senile delusions!



Stanley: It's true! I'm flying! It's like I'm on a magic carpet ride with The Thief of Damascus!



Bullet sees that Stanley is floating away but does nothing.



Gina: Bullet get over here! We need you for this!



Bullet: But Stanley really did float away! Shouldn't we go and help him?



Gina (rolls eyes): Okay fine! Let's see if Stanley floated away.....(waves fingers around)



Dusty: Could be Bullet took too much cocaine....



Randall, Dusty, and Gina turn around and see Stanley floating away. Neither of them showed concern for their elderly co-worker.



Dusty: Oh well. He was a dead weight on our team anyway.



Randall: Now that he's gotten away from us. We'll take on this caveman ourselves!



Gina breaks into the cave and sees the caveman. Who was sitting on a pile of TVs it stolen.



Dusty: FREEZE! PARADISE PD!



Randall: HEY! I'm the police chief! I'm the only one who's allowed to say that!



Caveman: Koooma Bon! Kooooma Bon!



Bullet: I know! Maybe this cave dude is Ron Perlman! Maybe that's who this is. Our show likes to make fun of him a lot!



Randall: No matter who it is we're arresting his sorry ass!



Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Randall all tackled the caveman together. Dusty put the caveman in handcuffs. The Paradise PD were soon leading the Caveman who did house break-ins only to steal people's TVs. The tourists were watching as they clapped for the Paradise PD for arresting the Caveman.



Dusty (to the tourists): Hey, everybody. You got your TVs back! Go and get 'em!



The tourists cheer as they run into the cave and get their TVs back.



Person: All right! I can watch HULU and PARAMOUNT + again!



Person #2: What about NetFlix?



Person: Oh fuck that!






Scene 9:




Flying through the air. Not knowing how or why it was happening. Stanley yells by objecting with outcries.



Stanley: Why the fuck am I flying! Where are you taking me! Answer me whatever you are!



At the Crawford residence. The Genie still had Kevin encased with cement from the neck down.



Kevin: What are you doing? I have a right to know!



Genie: WELL, YOUNG MAN! YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO DATE ONE OF YOUR CO-WORKERS....



Kevin: Yes, but not with all this dried cement around my body!



Genie: I FOUND ONE OF YOUR CO-WORKERS YOU CAN GO OUT WITH! (looks up at the sky): OH THERE HE IS NOW!



Kevin: Did you just say, 'he'? I'm straight you know....



Genie: YOU GET WHAT YOU GET! AND YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT TO GET!



Stanley flies through the window with force from the Genie.



Kevin: STANLEY! NOT HIM!



Genie: TOO BAD MISERABLE YOUNG SIMPLETON. I HAVE MADE THIS OLD MAN COME SO HE CAN AROUSE YOU AND DO A DANCE FOR YOU!



Stanley: Dancing! I haven't done that in years. The only folks I danced for were Donald O'Connor and Fred Astaire in That's Entertainment!



Kevin: You want to make me attracted to Stanley? With his loose skin and old balls? GROSS!



The Genie uses his powers to force Kevin to watch Stanley dance. The song This Is Radio Clash by The Clash began to play. The room begins to light up with all sorts of colors!


Kevin (in hypno voice): Dance for me oh great sexy wrinkly one!



Stanley: This isn't dancing! I'm just flying around! What do you think I am? A Bomber Pilot plane!



Genie (laughs): Before the day is done! I will have Kevin and Stanley both in the palm of my hands!




Scene 10:



The Paradise PD are back at police headquarters. The caveman was now in a holding cell. Jumping up and down shouting the caveman was speaking in his native tongue.



Caveman: KONGA! FLONGA! !! TTTAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGAAA! TTTTTAAAAAAHHHHGGGGGAAAAAA!



Bullet: Is he saying Attica?



Randall: Truth of the matter is none of us can speak fluent Caveman.



Dusty: I can speak fluent kangaroo! But that's a different story.


Bullet: Yeah sure, Dusty! We need to get answers as to why he broke into houses and stole all those TVs.



Gina: We need to get a confession out of him. If only we can think of a way to break the language barrier.



Randall: Of course Gina. Too bad there's no Babbel that can teach us caveman talk.


Before Randall can say anything more, he, Bullet, Gina, and Gina hear loud music from far away and see a bunch of lights over the area of the Crawford house.


Bullet: Oh no! Don't tell me Russia is invading! Bad enough they're invading Ukraine!


Gina: That's kind of far fetched. Didn't we sign a peace treaty with them or something?


Dusty: (points at the lights); Isn't that where you live, Randall?


Randall: FUCK! THAT IS MY HOUSE! One of us has to stay here to interrogate the caveman and one of us has to find out what the FUCK is going on in my house!


Gina: I'll stay here. As you know I am good at forcing confessions.


Bullet: That's cool Gina. But first I gotta use the little German Shepherd's room!


Randall, Dusty, and Bullet all ran outside to run to see the lights and music come out of The Crawford house. Bullet was urinating.


Dusty: Bullet? Aren't you coming?


Bullet: Nah, I'll stay here and break into the evidence room while Gina interrogates the caveman.


Randall: Move your fat ass, Dusty! It'll be just you and me!


Dusty: Awesome! The two of us are working side by side....we never worked together before.


Randall and Dusty run to the Crawford house. Bullet goes back inside the Police Headquarters only to see Gina and the Caveman are gone.


Bullet: BBBWWWAAAHHH! They've been vaporized! What the hell happened.....




Scene 11:


Jonah and Michael were at Laousi Apartments to meet with 'Bonezy.'


Michael: Hmmm, what door number did Bonzey say?


Jonah: Think it was 666.


Michael: You're right, he even texted me.


Jonah: Well, let's go find 666!


Michael and Jonah were looking around the Laousi Apartment building looking for room 666. Jonah spots it.


Jonah: There it is! 666!


Michael: What are we waiting for, let's go in!


Going inside the apartment room, Jonah and Michael see nothing but darkness.


Jonah: Fuck this is a dark room, dude. (snaps fingers) I know! It's like the movie Dark Room! (laughs) Get it!


Michael: No shit, all we need to do is find Bonezy.


Bonezy, the angel skeleton appears before them.


Jonah: Bonezy! We're glad you're here.


Michael: Now we're here to help you go back to Tarmak and......


The angel skeleton breaks apart piece by piece.


Jonah and Michael shake with fear and scream while huddling each other.


The lights turn on. Looking all around in confusion, Jonah and Michael see Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta standing before them.


Michael and Jonah: YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! It's the dudes in the suits!


Fitz: Didn't think we'd forget about you!


Brett DeMarco: Glad you remembered us. Good memory you both have considering you're stoners!


Jonah: Look, man! I'm sorry we spilled Flamin' Hot.....


Fitz: SHUT THE FUCK UP!


Michael: Uhhh, okay.


Fitz: Now, this is what you guys are going to do for me.


Brett DeMarco: Listen carefully. We're going to give you some instructions!


Fitz (turns to Zeta): Go to City Hall and get Sadie Hawkins dance cancelled.


Brett DeMarco: For we have an even more fun event planned for all the people of Paradise to see.


Zeta: Okay Daddy Fitz. Got it.


Fitz: We don't want you to witness what we're going to do to these assholes!


Zeta: No problem. (runs off)


Fitz and Brett move on in Jonah and Michael.


Jonah: Okay, all right. Tie us up and get it over with.


Michael: We'll do anything you say! Just don't kill us!


Fitz: Oh no! We're not going to kill you!


Brett DeMarco: You are going to do everything we tell you to do.


Fitz: By the time we're done you're both going to wish you were dead.


Jonah and Michael: (sputtering)


Fitz and Brett get a tripod with an iphone attached to it.


Michael: PLEASE! TELL US!


Brett DeMarco: You laundromat workers will do for us......


Fitz: A GAY PORN!


Jonah and Michael: GAY PORN!?!??!


Michael: We're straight man!


Fitz: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!


Brett DeMarco: For making our time at the laundromat a shitty one for a Kingpin and a pharmaceutical rep......


Fitz: Both of you are going to fuck! (laughs evilly)


Jonah: You want me to fuck Michael? Like a Brokeback Mountain kind of thing.....


Fitz: What time period do you both live in? It's 2022 now! Straight men can fuck each other! First you (points to Michael) go in the shower. And you (points to Jonah) stay on the bed and wait for you friend to come out of the shower.


Michael (trembling): YYYYEEESSS SSSSIIIIRRRR!


Jonah: We had no idea you were a Kingpin!


Michael goes into the shower in the bathroom, and Jonah sits on the bed. Fitz and Brett were about to begin filming.


Brett DeMarco: We're on at 5...4...3....2....


Fitz: ACTION!




Scene 12:



Using his nose to sniff, Bullet runs around town trying to look for Gina and The Caveman.



Bullet: Ha! Locked onto Gina's scent.....(rolls eyes and holds nose) and the caveman's too. Pee-Fucking-Yoo!



The German Shepherd finds himself running to Gina's house.



Bullet: Now to find out why Gina disappeared with the caveman.



Once he opens the door to Gina's house. Bullet sees Gina at a dinner table dressed in Victoria's Secret style clothes. There were candles on the dinner table. Also a turkey and mashed potatoes. The caveman was strapped to a doily like Hannibal Lechter.



Gina: Ooooh, hey there hot and sexy. Ready for some Spanish Fly with that turkey and mashed potatoes! Made them myself.....



Bullet: WHAT THE FUCK TYPE OF FREAK SHOW IS THIS?!!!



Gina: BULLET! WHAT THE HELL! YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!!!



Bullet: Is THIS your way of forcing a confession?



Gina: Look, I'm just trying to satisfy my fat fetish in time for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Dusty is my date, you know!



Bullet: You didn't answer my question is this your....



Gina: YES IT IS! All right! Don't tell anyone. I'm warning you!



Bullet: I'm not going to let you rape a fat caveman! I may be a drug addict dog but I still have my principals. (runs after Gina)



Gina (blocking Bullet): Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Stay out of this! Go away. Go away! If you're looking to get your ass kicked you're going to get it! Who died and made you the new Brian Griffin?



Bullet (stops): Fine, I'll make a deal with you.



Gina: Name your price!



Bullet: If you let this fat caveman out of the doily, I'll let you have this seductive romantic dinner who you have planned.



Gina: Huh. Maybe you're right. Strapping him up like this was taking it a step too far to be honest. Just like you, I have limits too. But don't tell anyone what I did!



Bullet: It's settled.



Gina sees Bullet taking the fat caveman out of the doily. The fat caveman begins to roar and run out of Gina's house.



Bullet: He's getting away!



Gina: I can see that!



Bullet and Gina chase the fat caveman down the street in the neighborhood. The chase ends when the caveman gets hit by a steamroller driven by a drunk Hobo Cop.



Hobo Cop: HA! THAT'S PAYBACK FOR KICKING ME OUT OF THE OBSERVATORY YOU PREHISTORIC CRO-MAGNON SON OF A BITCH!



Gina: Oh shit! I had a big chance you fur faced twat waffle.



Bullet: Look, I didn't mean to stop your big moment.



Gina: I was trying to....I'm going to hate you until the day you die and.....



Bullet: PLEASE STOP! (sighs) Guess it doesn't matter now.



Gina (sighs): You're right. Now we'll never know why the caveman broke into houses and stole televisions.



Bullet: You know, maybe some things are better left a mystery.



Gina: Yeah. We'll let this one go. Sorry I got all bitchy on you.



Bullet and Gina walk back to headquarters.



Gina: I gotta get back in my uniform. Then I'm sending that turkey dinner to a homeless shelter. Got no purpose for it now.



Bullet: You ought to. You don't want people taking pictures on their iphones of you in that type of clothes.





Scene 13:



Randall and Dusty break into the Crawford residence. The two of them see lights flashing all around. A genie controlling Kevin and Stanley. Lust For Life By Iggy Pop was now playing. Kevin was still encased with cement and Stanley was dancing naked.



Stanley: Randall! Dusty! Thank Goodness! This fucking genie is turning my testicles into test-cicles!



Randall: A Genie?! What business is it of yours to humiliate my son! Nobody emotionally torments my son but ME!



Dusty: Oh no! It's evil magic!



Genie (to Dusty): YES. EVIL MAGIC! EVIL INDEED? HOW DID YOU EVER GUESS!



Dusty: I can't be a part of this! (tries to run off)



Randall: (pushes Dusty back): I dragged you along. You said you never worked with me, so you have no choice!



Kevin (hypno voice): Stanley! I want to lick every ridge and folds off your hot steaming boney, rotten body!



Dusty (points to the Genie): See! This is why! Black Magic scares the shit out of me!



Randall: Since when? You never told any of us this!



Dusty: I watched the movie Black Sunday on TCM during the covid lockdown! And I never got over the......



Randall (gets his gun): News flash! We are policemen you fat asshole! Don't you know you're not supposed to be scared of anything! There's only one way I can deal with evil magic! That's with firearms.



Dusty (feeling empowered): Right! (gets out his gun)



Genie: GREETINGS! DID YOU COME TO WATCH?



Randall: NO! We came to fucking kill you!


Genie: Yes, good luck. You see I am invincible.....



Dusty and Randall shot up the Genie with guns.



Genie (screaming in pain): YOU KILLED ME.....I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS....I AM SUSCEPTIBLE.........



The genie gets sucked in and goes back inside the genie lamp. Stanley falls to the ground. Kevin is freed from his cement prison. Dusty then shoots up the genie lamp.



Dusty: AWESOME! I think I'm over my fear of evil magic!



Kevin: Dad! You came to save me! (runs and huge Randall)



Randall (shoves Kevin off): Would you care to explain what the FUCK that was all about?



Kevin: Uhhh, yes. I got a genie's lamp from a farmer's market. Then I rubbed the lamp and that evil genie took me prisoner.



Dusty: Why did you want a genie lamp for?



Kevin: I was trying to have the genie grant my wish to make Gina like me in time for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Then the genie tried to force me to fall in love with Stanley.....



Randall: Look where that got you!



Stanley: HIM?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT ME ?!?????



Kevin: Please! Empathize with me for once!



Randall: Empathy is for the weak!



Dusty: Gina is with me, Kevin. You were going to take Gina away from me?



Kevin: Yes! I just wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. It always works on TV shows where the main male dates the main female....



Randall: This is the real world! Not every Tom, Dick, and Harry has a relationship with the lead female and everything comes up roses! What you tried to do was steal Gina from Dusty! You were going to commit adultery!



Kevin (gasps): I...I....was?



Dusty: In the meantime, find your own woman!



Randall: Come on, Dusty! Let's get the fuck outta here.



Dusty: Yeah, lets....



Randall (to Kevin): I was wondering why you didn't show up for work. Now I know.



Dusty and Randall leave Kevin inside. Stanley farts on Kevin before he leaves.



Kevin: Last time I tried to get with Gina. (gets up.) Know what? Who cares what they think! I'll just get my own girl! I got until Wednesday and.....



The TV turns on and a local news reporter does a news report.



News Reporter: The Grand Annual Paradise Sadie Hawkins dance has been cancelled....



Kevin (screams at the ceiling): NNNNNOOO!!!! FATE! FATE! EVIL TERRIBLE CRUEL CRUEL FATE! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!!





Scene 14 Conclusion.



On Wednesday. Instead of the Sadie Hawkins dance that was planned. All the citizens of Paradise were at the Community Center. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco appear before everybody.



Randall: Fitz! The Kingpin!



Stanley: That's Fitz? Thought it was Abbey Lincoln!



Dusty: Although the dance was cancelled I'm enjoying my time with you Gina here at this Community Center meeting!



Gina: Any place is fun with you around.



Dusty and Gina kiss.



Kevin (under his breath): That should be me.



Zeta: May we have your attention please.



Fitz (setting up a computer): Is anyone here familiar with the Paradise Laundromat?



Jonah and Michael were in the audience looking terrified.



Brett DeMarco: I'm sure you all have been in there....



Fitz: What we are trying to get across here. There's nothing wrong with that place.



Brett DeMarco: But there's something VERY wrong with it's employees!



Zeta: Show 'em Daddy Fitz!



Fitz (turns on computer): They use some trendy soda as detergent!



The computer shows an image of Michael and Jonah pouring Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew on their suits.



Brett DeMarco: That's right. This is what they do when they're not 'working'!



The computer then shows an image of Jonah and Michael playing Dance Dance Revolution in the back door room. The audience began to boo.



Fitz: You haven't seen the worst part....



Jonah and Michael huddle together.



Brett DeMarco: They also do gay porn of themselves!



Fitz: It's called The Gays In The Shower! We have the evidence before you!



The computer shows a video of Jonah and Michael doing a video that was exactly like the one in the beginning of National Lampoons European Vacation! Where Clark Griswold was filming his wife Ellen in the shower.



Jonah (in video): BA! BA DA DA DA DA DA! (jumps on Michael)



Michael: You all don't understand!



Jonah: We were forced against our will!



Randall: Well, I've seen enough. Let's all go back to headquarters.



Gina: Good idea!



Bullet: It was rather fun to see two stoners get their asses kicked! The fucking not so much.



Kevin: Fitz is almost as inhumane as you all are.



Gina: Grow up Kevin!



Stanley: Two men fucking? I'm not complaining.



Kevin, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Randall all walk out of the Community Center to go back to Paradise PD.



Fitz: So people of Paradise! What do you want to us to do about these assholes?



Brett DeMarco: We offer you a choice!


The citizens of Paradise all chase Michael and Jonah out of the Community Center. Then some people spoke out as they were chasing the slackers out that Michael and Jonah messed around and screwed with them too!



Man: Those bastards poured bleach into the dryer!



Woman: They wipe their penises on my clothes.....



Soon Fitz, Zeta, and Brett were the only ones in the Community Center.



Zeta: We sure showed them, didn't we!



Fitz: Quite possibly, by far the proudest moment of my Kingpin career!


Then the three of them were shocked when they heard gunshots.


Man: Those assholes are DEAD!


Brett DeMarco: That'll teach them for giving us their 'Dirty Laundry'!


Zeta: Great sense of humor you have Uncle Brett!


Fitz: Best part about all this is, we committed a murder we didn't even have to kill them ourselves!


Brett DeMarco: Nobody shits around with us and makes it our alive!


Fitz: That is why any enemies we have are easily defeated!


Brett, Fitz, and Zeta decide to spend the day at the Paradise Mall to sell their argyle and houndstooth meth.





THE END