Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy
The Return Of Stan Thompson
0 reviewsIs Stan Thompson Meg's real father? Nope. Stan Thompson is actually an alter ego Peter Griffin becomes when he loses his memory.
0Unrated
Another fanfiction idea suggestion from my very cool friend TimeLordMaster108. However my idea for Stan Thompson is different from his. So I decided to put my own twist on who Stan Thompson is. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fanfiction.
Family Guy Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
The Return of Stan Thompson
A day from now, it will be the Wedding Anniversary of Peter and Lois. Meg, Chris, and Stewie were making preparations to go out and buy an anniversary gift for their parents. Peter walks into the living room.
"Hey, Lois. I'm about to take a shower. Is it okay if I use a hair dryer while I dry my hair?" asked Peter.
"Peter, we've been through this many times, you cannot take a hair dryer into the shower!" warns Lois.
"Why not? I just thought it would be a quicker way to save time." Peter tells his wife. Brian joins in, "Peter, didn't anyone ever tell you that water and electricity don't mix?"
"I don't care, I just don't want to get out of the shower after I dry my hair." said Peter. "You know what? Fine! Do it, okay!" said Lois.
"Yay! Awesome! You let me do what I want!" said Peter with glee. "Oh boy. Looks like history will repeat itself." Lois says. "What do you mean?" asked Brian.
"He's about to lose this memory." Lois recalls. "Are you sure Dad is my real father?" asked Meg. "Yes he is." said Lois. "WHAT! You mean I'm related to that bastard?" Meg says with shock.
"What's this thing about losing his memory?" Brian asked. "Come on! Are we going to go or what!" Chris demanded. "We'll go as soon as we hear Lois's story. Which I'm dying to hear." said Stewie.
"I thought my real Dad was a man named Stan Thompson." Meg says. "Well what I am about to tell you, before I begin. Stan Thompson and Peter are one in the same." Lois tells.
"Really? So it wasn't some random dude you had a fling with?" asked Chris. "Here's the story everyone. It was the week before Meg was conceived....." Lois began.
A flashback sequence begins. Peter was watching MTV Sports with Joe Cortese. Lois walks into the room. "Come on, Peter! I want to make love! I'm totally fertile!" Lois demands.
"In a minute." Peter says laying on the couch. MTV Sports was about to end. "I'll be right there, Lois. I just want to open a paint can." said Peter. "All right." sighs Lois impatiently.
When Peter goes into the garage, he uses a paint can opener. Sniffing the paint Peter says, "Now I'm ready for anything!" Peter didn't take the paint can out of the opener. Which causes the paint can to fly and hit Peter on the head with the open lid to the paint can. Peter falls unconscious. Lois runs into the garage wanting to see what had happened. Blood was dripping from Peter's skull that was practically opened.
"OH MY GOD! PETER!" Lois screams. Calling 911, Lois goes into the ambulance with Peter. In the hospital, Peter's head was bandaged up. Doctor Hartman says, "We were able to fix the open skull. He'll be fine in a while."
Lois goes into Peter's hospital room and says, "Oh Peter. Why do you do such self destructive shit? Couldn't you have just dropped everything and made love to me first?" asked Lois. Peter wakes up and does not recognize Lois.
"Who're you?" asked Peter. "I'm Lois. Your wife!" she answers. "I don't know you. Who am I?" said Peter. "Yes you do! You're Peter Griffin! My newlywed husband." said Lois.
"No I'm not." said Peter. "Then who do you think you are?" asked Lois. Peter says, "I'm Stan Thompson. Insurance Agent! Illinois Life And Causality!"
"NNNNOOOO!" Lois screamed. Dr. Hartman walks in and reminds her, "Forgot to tell you there's going to be some memory loss." Lois continues the story, "From then on for about a week, Peter thinking he's Stan Thompson would run far away from me while going door to door selling his insurance."
"Illinois Life and Causality!" Peter says going door to door, only to have people slam the door in his face. "I would try pulling him away. Peter when he was Stan, was extremely stubborn, after I tried to convince him he was Peter, then he would push me aside..." Lois recalls some more, "Peter even tried to sell his insurance to teenagers in high school!" The scene shows Peter going to what was then called James Woods High to a bunch of teenagers who were smoking, "Illinois Life and Causality!" Peter introduced himself to the teens.
"FUCK YOU!" shouted one of the teens as the lead boy punched him out.
Lois concluded the story, "When Peter finally got his memory back after getting beaten by that teenage boy, we had sex." Peter's memory came back then the flashback sequence ended. "There's the story of how Meg was conceived." Lois says.
Chris laughs at Meg, "Guess you're one of us after all!" Meg grunts in anger, "I WANT OUT OF THIS FAMILY! CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO COLLEGE!"
Brian implies, "Whenever Peter has a freak accident, he becomes an insurance agent from Illinois?" "Yep, I'm afraid it's going to happen right about....." Lois observes.
Peter was heard in the bathroom yelling and hollering as he was being electrocuted by the hair dryer while the shower water was running. "Oh no!" Lois shrieked.
"Please be dead please be dead please be dead...." Stewie whispered and chanted. Peter comes out of the shower completely naked. Just as Lois feared, history was repeating itself. Thanks to the electric shock from the hair dryer that Peter was using in the shower, Peter Griffin was once again an insurance agent named Stan Thompson.
"Who the hell are you people! I've never seen you before in my life!" Peter tells his family. Brian tells Chris, Meg, and Stewie, "Uhh, kids. Why don't you all go get that anniversary gift for Peter and Lois. We'll stay here and handle things."
"Hmm, now I don't want to go anymore. I want to see how this plays out.... WOAH!" Chris says. Stewie then grabs Chris and drags him away. Meg follows them.
Brian tells Lois, "Let's try to get to know Stan Thompson a little better. Hey, there kind sir. Please do tell us about yourself." "Illinois Life And Causality!" Peter says extending his hand for a handshake.
Lois offers, "I guess I can have sex with him again..." "Sex with you? I only have sex with my wife who am I trustworthy and faithful to." Peter says to Lois as his alter ego Stan Thompson.
"I'm afraid having sex won't work this time." Brian tells Lois. "Yeah you're right. As I remember when Peter becomes Stan Thompson. He gets really stubborn, I know I said that before." said Lois.
Brian added, "Even though I wasn't there, I can believe it. Almost as stubborn as Peter is every Easter when he watches AD and The Robe.
(Cutaway Scene):
In the Griffin family living room, Peter was watching AD and he was drunk. "Say Peter, what are you watching?" asked Brian. "Ah Dah." said Peter with intoxication. Brian was stunned beyond belief.
"Is that the way you pronounce it, Ah Dah?" asked Brian. "Yeah, Ah Dah." answers Peter back. "It's AD." Brian says. "No, Ah Dah." Peter spits back. "AD!" Brian growls. "No, no, Ah Dah!" Peter spouted. "Okay, all right. Whatever! What do you plan to watch after?" asked Brian.
"The Rob." Peter says again with intoxication. "It's The ROBE!" yelled Brian. "The Rob!" Peter yells. "The ROBE!" Brian shouts back. "The ROB!" shouts Peter once more. "That's it! I give up! Have it your way!" Brian says stomping off in a maddening way.
*
Lois and Brian decide to play along with Peter's memory loss. "Let's just pretend we're interested in buying whatever insurance he supposedly sells." Brian suggested. "Okay, for now we'll go along with it." agreed Lois. Brian walks up to Peter casually, "Hey, what insurance do you sell to people?" "It's simple, really. I sell home insurance!" Peter answers as Stan Thompson.
"Is it at an affordable price?" asked Lois. "Not exactly. I can see you two can use some home equity! Now tell me your names." said Peter.
"I'm Lois."
"And I'm Brian, Griffin!"
"Hmm, Lois and Brian Griffin. Same last name. Don't tell me, you two are siblings, right! hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" laughed Peter wholeheartedly.
"I forgot when Peter was Stan Thompson he had an annoying laugh." Lois rolls her eyes. "Hopefully, he'll snap out of his amnesia in time for your anniversary." Brian said.
At the Quahog Mall, Chris, Meg, and Stewie were looking around for a gift for their parents impending anniversary.
"Let's try the Hallmark store." Meg pointed out. "No, Meg. Knowing Dad he'll want something at Spencers." Chris says. Stewie scoffs looking around the mall, "Why did they have to close down Baby Gap?"
Meg gasps when she sees Connie and Lisa walking their way. "OMG! It's Connie and Lisa! I can't be seen with you two when they're here! Quick! Hide me!"
A man in a yellow, and green superhero outfit stood in front of Chris, Meg, and Stewie. "Did you just say you didn't want to be seen?" asked the man.
"Who are you? Are you related to Shazam?" asked Chris. "No I am a Superhero from the future! The year 2135!" said the man.
"Oh fuck, I can see where this is going." Stewie says with disgust.
"Can you tell us your name?" Meg asked.
The man introduced himself, "I AM SUPER TERRIFIC DUDE! I AM HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD!" Super Terrific Dude ripped some cloth from his chest and it revealed the letters STD.
"Well you can't! So there!" Stewie yelled at Super Terrific Dude. "Wow! A real superhero? This is going to be holy freaking awesome! As Dad always says." said Chris.
Meg whispers, "We ought to be nice to him. He may not be right in the head." "Duh, anyone can see that!" Stewie says.
Super Terrific Dude tells Chris, Meg, and Stewie. "I am here to help you with anything you need!"
Chris said, "He's like one of those absurd superheroes from 1990s cartoons." "Never watch that shit. So anyway, Mr. STD..." Meg begins. Stewie begins to crack up at the initials of Super Terrific Dude.
"Stewie, no! Don't laugh at him! Please excuse our baby brother. He doesn't know any better. Back to the matter, we need help trying to find a present for our parents anniversary." Meg tells him.
"Have no fear, I am here! I am the boss, applesauce!" Super Terrific Dude said. "Cool catchphrases that rhyme! This reminds me of that Golden Girls episode about a stage play that dude was also called Mr. Terrific!" observes Chris. "Hey, you're not the target demographic of that show, I am!" Stewie spits out at Chris.
Some people walk by Meg, Chris, and Stewie with Super Terrific Dude. Then laughed and took pictures on their iPhones. "Why are they laughing at him?" asks Chris.
"I don't know, because his initials stand for Sexually Transmitted Disease? Rather obvious! How can you miss that? You that dumb?" Stewie spoke out.
"Come with me! I know the perfect place for you three to get a gift for an anniversary!" Super Terrific Dude tells Meg, Chris, and Stewie as they follow him in the mall.
Back at the Griffin house. Lois explained to Brian, "....and that's why I made Meg believe that Stan Thompson was another person." "Oh I get it. Peter has always resented Meg." Brian says.
"So that way, Peter can believe that Meg isn't really his daughter. When the fact is, Meg IS Peter's daughter. He was 'Stan Thompson' when I fucked him and got pregnant with Meg." Lois tells the story.
"You know, maybe Dr. Hartman can help you out with this." Brian said. "Good idea, the sooner Peter gets his memory back the better." Lois agreed. Calling Dr. Hartman it was a one sided conversation.
"Hello, Dr. Hartman. Yes, this is Lois Griffin. My husband Peter has come down with amnesia."
Still on the phone, Lois talks to Dr. Hartman, "No! We cannot bring him in, because hospitals these days are full of covid. Isn't there some kind of home remedy we can try.....What!"
"What did Dr. Hartman suggest?" asked Brian.
"Hit him on the head with a rolling pin," Lois tells Brian then continues the phone conversation, "No I don't think that's funny. No I don't watch MTV's Jackass. Yes you're right I should. Thanks anyway. Goodbye."
Getting no help from Dr. Hartman, Lois rants, "Why does Peter do such moronic stuff!" Brian says, "That's the $64,000 question!" Brian stated.
"Who told him it was okay to use a hair dryer in a shower! He's like a 3 year old you have to keep your eye on him constantly." Lois declared. Then she and Brian stare at the screen for 5 seconds.
"Huh, thought there would be a cutaway of that." said Brian. That's when Lois decides to get creative. "I got it!"
"Really what?" asked Brian. "Peter loves junk food. Maybe that can jog his memory." Lois said.
"Exactly. Get some of Peter's favorite junk food!" Brian tells Lois.
Peter was in the living room. Wearing a suit. Lois and Brian come to him with a tray. "You going to work your way into my heart though my stomach? hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" laughed Peter still thinking he's Stan Thompson.
"We know Peter Griffin is in there somewhere. So we decided to give you your favorite food!" Brian told Peter.
"Wait a minute! That's all doughnuts and brownies! Who do you think I am? Homer Simpson!" Peter said. "I am an Ivy League college grad! Just can't think of the college I went to...." Peter spoke again.
"No, it's just a way to...." Lois says and she is interrupted. "I cannot eat this garbage! I have a very delicate stomach! I'm a vegan for God's Sake!" Peter said.
"It's like this Stan Thompson is the exact opposite of Peter." Brian mumbled.
"Oh actually, these brownies and doughnuts are dairy free." said Lois.
"I see what you're doing. I'll let you know I do not let other women seduce me." Peter warns. "We are not trying to do any such a thing." Lois says. Brian gets a mirror, "Does this look like an insurance agent?"
Peter looks at himself in the mirror, "I dress like another insurance agent I know. Burt Sandawsky. That explains why I look the way I do. But he's not in the Million Dollar Club....."
"You are NOT STAN THOMPSON! You're Peter Griffin! Can't you see that! We want you to get your memories back!" Brian yells. "You know what? You guys are free thinkers. Believe in anything you want. To prove I am Stan Thompson I am going back to Illinois and...." Peter was about to run out the door. Lois and Brian stop him.
"DON'T LET HIM GO!" Lois screams. Brian and Lois have grabbed Peter by the arms.
"I just realized something. You're both holding me prisoner! I heard this happening to other insurance agents, and I never thought it would happen to me." Peter says.
Lois and Brian force Peter upstairs into his bedroom and baracade the door. "You are right about Stan Thompson being stubborn." Brian tells Lois. "Yes he was. When he was Stan Thompson no matter how hard I tried to get him to remember me. He kept fighting back." Lois recalled.
"I miss Peter already." Brian sighed. "Me too! I want Peter back more than anything." Lois sighs along with Brian. "Yes, the Peter we know and love. Like the one who said something totally out of place at the end of the movie Melancholia." Lois says.
Cutaway Scene:
Peter, Lois, Brian, Joe, Bonnie, Cleveland, Donna, and Quagmire were all in Joe's living room watching the end of Melancholia where Justine, Claire, and Leo were sitting in the 'magic' cave as the planet Melancholia was crashing into Earth.
Everyone was in awe of the movie's ending, except Peter.
Getting up from the couch Peter asks everyone, "So, who's up for Chinese? McBurgerTown? A pizza maybe?"
*
Brian was on the internet looking up ways to cure amnesia. He found something, "HA! Houston! We have a solution!" Brian exclaims. Lois walks up to the Griffin family dog.
"Well I have Peter I mean Stan Thompson locked in our bedroom." said Lois. "I think I got something here." said Brian. "What is it?" asks Lois. "Hot showers! Maybe that can restore Peter's memory." Brian concedes.
Lois adds on, "All right. It's worth a shot. But how are we going to get 'Stan Thompson' to take a shower?" "Boil some coffee and pour it on his shirt." Brian suggested. "I'll do it." said Lois.
In the Master Bedroom where Peter and Lois slept, Peter as Stan Thompson was on the phone with a female insurance agent. "...but I can't come over! I'm being held hostage here! It's the truth. For some strange reason I ended up in Rhode Island and some woman who claims to be my wife and her dog thinks I am someone else...does that sound like a joke? Yeah, I know you sued me for sexual harrasment and....." The phone on the other end hangs up. "Hello? Hello?" Peter sighs.
Brian and Lois enter the room. "Hey Stan!" Brian greeted. "Have you decided to let me go back to Illinois?" asks Peter. "Uhh, yeah. Just as long as you drink this coffee and..." Lois says and then pretends to slip on the floor. "WOAH!" Lois yelped as she spilled the coffee that flew in mid air and landed on Peter's shirt.
"OH NO! MY BEST SHIRT! MY FAVORITE WORK SHIRT!" shouted Peter. "OH I AM SO SORRY!" Lois cried. "Why don't you take a hot shower and wash yourself off." said Brian. "Yeah, you look like you can use one." said Lois.
"Fine, I will. Then you both let me go back home!" Peter said. "Of course. My Dad is rich, he owns a private jet." Lois tells Peter. "That he does, you can go back to Illinois in style." Brian says.
"Okay." Peter said. Going into the shower, Peter washes himself off. Lois puts Peter's clothes he wears as insurance agent Stan Thompson in the garbage. When Peter was done with the shower, Brian handed Peter his usual clothes, white short, green pants, and brown shoes.
"Thank you." Peter tells Brian. "Do you remember anything?" asked Brian. "What's supposed to mean? Now that you mention it, I could not find my penis in the shower for some reason." Peter speaks.
"That proves it!" Brian says snapping his paw. "Proves what?" asked Peter. "That you're Peter Griffin! He can never find his penis when he takes a shower! Did that shower help with your memory by chance?" Brian asks.
"Come to think about it, something is coming to me. Like a nail being lifted. Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin. That's who I am. And I am from the town of.....uh......Pittsburgh!" Peter replied.
"QUAHOG!" Brian shouts. "Give me back my clothes!" Peter yelled. Brian throws Peter's clothes at 'Stan Thompson' in frustration. "Go ahead and have it."
Outside the Master Bedroom, Lois was distraught. "It's no use. We've done everything we could. He's still Stan Thompson! Perhaps maybe forever."
"You know what. Let's just let him go back to Illinois and.." Brian was about to go on. "Nah what good would that do? Guess we can go to Adam West High school and have him try to sell his insurance to trendy teenagers..that's what worked before." Lois says.
Then Brian and Lois hear Peter on the phone. They tried to listen in but could not make out what Peter was saying. Lois and Brian broke into the master bedroom.
"Who were you just calling?" asked Brian. "We never gave you permission to use our phone, Peter...I mean STAN THOMPSON!" Lois demanded.
"HA! Your goose is cooked now, assholes! I called the police! I told them you've abducted me and won't let me go home. hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" Peter laughs wholeheartedly.
"He's called the police!" Lois panics. "That's just great. Any minute now the police are going to come and try to find a kidnapped insurance agent named Stan Thompson." said Brian.
"Wait! Yesterday I overheard Joe tell Peter he's the only policeman on duty today." Lois says. "Well, we can only anticipate that Joe will come over and talk some sense into Peter." Brian told Lois. "Of course, if anyone can help Peter remember who he is, it's Joe." agrees Lois. "Yes, and maybe Joe can use his powers of persuasion as a police officer and Peter can get his memory back in time for our anniversary!" Lois says now feeling a teeny glimmer of hope.
Joe Swanson was their only hope now. Back in the Quahog Mall, Super Terrific Dude was leading Meg, Chris, and Stewie into a luggage store.
"What's with the luggage store?" asked Chris.
"Want to ease your parents baggage? Get them some luggage!" said Super Terrific Dude. "This guy just gets more and more fucking annoying!" Stewie says to himself. "Why are you complaining! That almost rhymed! More like word association!" Chris says.
"You know, maybe that is a good idea." said Meg. "Yeah, our luggage always gets lost in the airport baggage claim." Chris says.
"So, how many parents do you have?" asked Super Terrific Dude?" "We have two." Meg says in a say-what kind of way.
"Two luggage! One for him and one for the misses!" Super Terrific Dude says. "Who's going to pay for it?" asked Meg. "I will of course! With my trusty laser gun of course!" Super Terrific Dude says. The 'laser gun' was really a squirt gun. Chris laughs, "It was really a squirt gun the whole time! Who could've seen that one coming! I love this guy!"
"I HATE THIS SON OF A BITCH! I WANT TO KILL HIM!" Stewie shouted.
"No just kidding, I'll just call my friend, Credit Card Man!" Super Terrific Dude takes a credit card out of his wallet. Meg says, "That is interesting....." Chris just cracks up at Super Terrific Dude's antics. "He said Credit Card Man and took out a credit card! How cool can this guy get!" Chris laughs out loud.
Stewie was growing frustrated and angry at the moment. "Getting help to get an anniversary gift for Lois and the Fatman from some lunatic in a superhero costume! This is more embarrassing when me and Brian played out an alternate ending to Murphy's War.
Cutaway Scene:
Brian and Stewie were at a beach. Brian walks away from Stewie in a fed up manner. Stewie called out to Brian, "LOUIE! LOUIE I'M NOT ABLE ON MY OWN!"
Turning around and feeling irked at what Stewie says, Brian walks up to him, "That is the worst Peter O'Toole impression I have ever heard!" "Sor-ree! This is my first time using his voice." Stewie says. "It's able on _me_ own!" Brian tells the baby. "Sure I can do that..let's start over and..." Stewie says and Brian still walks away from him.
"Next time, get an acting coach! I'm done with this!" Brian said walking away. "LOUIE! GET YOUR FUZZY ASS BACK HERE!" Stewie shouted. "Still not good enough. There was no profanity in Murphy's War! Hell, everyone on the beach is watching us wondering what the fuck we are doing!" Brian shouted back at Stewie.
The beach goers all stared at Brian and Stewie in confusion.
*
A knock is heard at the door. Brian goes to answer it. Behind the door was Joe Swanson. Brian and Lois were relieved. "Oh it's you Joe. Thank the stars you're here." Brian told Joe.
"Maybe you'd like to explain why you're holding an innocent insurance agent captive." Joe says with suspicion. "No, Joe that's not the case at all. You see Peter wanted to try a hair dryer in the shower and he got an electric shock." Lois explains.
"Since then, Peter has lost his memory. Doesn't remember who he is, and now thinks he's an insurance agent named Stan Thompson." said Brian.
Joe was still in disbelief. "Come inside if you don't believe us." Lois says. Peter as Stan Thompson greets himself to Joe, "Hello, officer. I'm Stan Thompson! These people won't let me go back home. Illinois Life and Causality!"
"Guess your story checks out. I'll try to help you." Joe promises. Brian, Lois, Joe, and Peter were gathered around the kitchen table to try to talk some sense into Peter.
"Arrest them, officer! Arrest them!" Peter demanded. "OKay, I've worked with memory loss cases before. But never where somebody used an electric appliance in a shower!" Joe says.
"We tried everything to get Peter's memory back. I even tried junk food." said Brian. "Nothing works. No matter how hard we try to tell him he's Peter, he still insists he's Stan Thompson." Lois says.
Joe holds up a picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire at the Drunken Clam when they were getting their booth taken away by those Marines. "Peter!" Joe calls him. "No you call me Stan!" Peter sassed at Joe.
"See this man here in the picture eating spinach like Popeye...." Joe questioned Peter. "That's a rather idiotic thing to do! Popeye isn't real! I'm a down to earth realist kind of guy. I would never think I'm Popeye. What moron does that!" Peter spat out.
"That's not the point, this was the time at the Drunken Clam when those Marines tried to take over our booth we always sit in." Joe says. "Yes, I remember too. You told a story about how you and your friends got into a fight with those Marines." Brian says. "Yeah, it's the truth. I heard it too." Lois joined in. "Hanging around in bars? Fighting with military personnel? This Peter Griffin fella sounds like he's a modern day Neanderthal!" Peter implies.
"Yes, but don't you see? This Peter Griffin fellow in this picture...IT'S YOU!" Joe shouts.
"That is not me! Why in the hell would I want to use violence? I am a man of peace! Jesus Peace! Not Hippie Peace mind you!" Peter says. "All the more reason Peter needs his memory back. If he stays in Stan Thompson mode forever, and he's a Jesus freak, too?.....hoo boy!" Brian sighs with indifference.
"What's wrong with being a Jesus freak, dog! It's good to believe in a higher power. You gotta problem with religion? huh? huh?!" Peter says huffing at Brian. "Good work, Joe! I think we have a breakthrough!" Lois says.
"Oh no! I feel so bad. I never lashed out like that at people before..." Peter says with shame. "No no no. Don't feel bad, Pet....I mean Stan." said Joe.
"We just want our Peter back!" Lois said. "This Peter guy! It's always about this Peter guy with you! He sounds like a raging psychopath if you ask me. Imitating Popeye, getting violent with people, going to bars and getting drunk! This Peter Griffin is a fantasy freakazoid, who's also a menace to society and should've been locked away in prison a long time ago! I bet he doesn't even exist." Peter said going back into Stan Thompson mode.
"There's only one thing left to do." Brian said. "What is it?" asked Lois. "When Joe showed him that picture of him at the Drunken Clam. Maybe we should get him drunk!" Brian says. "Yeah! That's it! We'll give Peter some beer, who wants to get some Pawtucket Beer!" Joe says.
"WHAT?! You're getting me drunk now?" Peter shrilled. "Yes, it's probably the only thing that can bring you back to us." Joe said. "Who wants to get some beer for him?" asked Brian. "I will!" Lois said with happiness.
"If you think beer is going to turn me into Peter Griffin, then you're all even more insane as I thought you all were!" protested Peter. "Brian! I'm back with the beer! Get a funnel!" Lois ordered. "Aye aye, Lois!" Brian saluted.
Peter begins to have an outburst. "I SHALL NOT DRINK BEER! IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I AM AND BELIEVE IN! I AM AN INSURANCE AGENT! THEREFORE I DO NOT DRINK BEER AND...."
Brian shoved the funnel down Peter's mouth. Lois poured it with beer. Joe says, "YES! YES! Keep forcing him to drink! Peter will be back to his old self in no time!"
Peter muffled when the beer was being forced down his mouth. Lois says, "He'll be back to shooting zombies he thought were real like when he walked onto the set of Shaun Of The Dead!"
Cutaway Scene:
Peter had a crossbow and was shooting at zombies that were really actors. Edgar White comes out of nowhere and yells, "CUT! What the fuck just happened here!"
"Uhhh, hee hee hee, Saving the world from a Zombie Apocalypse?" asks Peter in complete obliviousness.
"Those were bit actors! You're on a movie set you dumbass!" Edgar White screamed at Peter. "Really? What movie is it?" Peter asks. "I was shooting Shaun of The Dead!" Edgar answers.
"Ooooh. Sorry. I did not think that through! I'll just show myself out!" Peter says running away.
At the Quahog Mall. Super Terrific Dude got the luggage and was rolling them out. "Hmm, Mom and Dad will like these." Meg stated. "Yes, they will. Hold on a minute I will buy something that will make the luggage even better!" Super Terrific Dude says.
Chris laughs, "This is the best anniversary gift shopping randeouvs ever!" "Not to me it isn't!" Stewie says. Super Terrific Dude stops into a shop that sells voice boxes. As soon as Super Terrific Dude buys two of them, he installs the voice boxes onto the luggage.
"Tah Dah!" Super Terrific Dude cheered. "What's with the voice boxes on the luggage?" Meg asks. "It's an invention I saw in the future. Talking Luggage!" announces Super Terrific Dude.
"Brilliant idea. Ba-De-Ba-Dap! Ba-De-Ba-Dap! Ba-De-Ba-Dap!" Stewie says with sarcasm. "Stewie! Why do you have to be so judgemental?" asked Chris with concern.
"Let me show you how talking luggage works!" demonstrated Super Terrific Dude. He opens the luggage and the voice box says, "LUGGAGE OPEN!" "Awesome!" Chris exclaims.
"What do you say if you want the luggage to close?" Meg asks. "LUGGAGE CLOSE!" the voice box says that causes the opening to bounce and send Meg flying into the air.
"WWWWWOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!" Meg screams soaring through the sky. "Wow! Talking Luggage is awesome!" Chris says.
"Dumbest invention ever! Even more ridiculous when the Hot Fuzz infiltrated a Romeo and Juliet Stage Play.
Cutaway Scene:
Nicholas and Danny break into a building. "FREEZE POLICE!" they both shouted. Then they see the place they thought was Sanford Castle was a theater. The play was Romeo and Juliet.
"What the hell is this?" shouted Danny!
One of the actors says, "You broke into the wrong place!" "Yeah, get out of here you're ruining our play!"
Nicholas tells Danny, "Okay let's go then."
Stewie and Chris observe the recent cutaways. "Both of these cutaways are from Edgar White movies." Chris says, "Yeah you're right! Both used in the same sequence!"
Meg was still flying in the air, "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Chris thanks Super Terrific Dude. "We never could've gotten these anniversary gifts for our parents without you." "I was happy to help. Whenever there is danger. Whenever kids need help pleasing their parents I am......(hums fanfare) Super Terrific Dude! Now I have to go back to the....."
When Super Terrific Dude thought he was going to fly into the sky, two men in a squad car came and stop Super Terrific Dude.
"All right, Mr Super Terrific Asshole. Back to the sanitarium you go!" said one of the men. "But, but, but! I have to save the future now." protested Super Terrific Dude.
"Don't worry, that's the job of liberal politicians, not you!" said one of the men. "So well put!" said the other man. Before he knew it, Super Terrific Dude was screaming obsenities and being forced into the squad car and he headed back to the sanitarium.
"Good Bye Super Terrific Dude! I love you!" Chris calls out. Stewie says, "It serves him right for dressing like a Jiffy Pop bag!"
Back at the Griffin house, Peter was so drunk that he passed out. Lois and Brian observe him.
"When he wakes up, he'll be back to being Peter." said Brian. "Absolutely! No more of this Stan Thompson bullshit!" Lois implies. Joe goes back to the station.
"Let me know how it turns out." Joe says, "Thank you for helping us with this." Lois says her goodbyes.
*
The next day was Peter's and Lois's anniversary. Peter wakes up, but has a bad hangover. "Oh, Lois! Lois! I have a terrible headache!" Peter calls out to his wife.
"Peter! You're back! You know me!" Lois said with pride. "I'm back? What about my back! How about my head! Yes I do know you! You remind me everyday with your nagging!" said Peter.
Brian comes in with a hangover cure. "So, Peter. Ready to celebrate your anniversary?"
"You know it! Thanks Brian buddy!" said Peter who was drinking the hangover cure. "Peter! You know us again! You're not Stan Thompson anymore!" Brian exclaims. "Of course I know you. Why wouldn't I?" said Peter. Chris and Stewie come back without Meg with the talking luggage.
"Mom! Dad! We got you an awesome present!" Chris calls out. Peter Griffin was back to his normal self again. Stan Thompson was long gone. Lois and Peter open the presents and they find the talking luggage.
"This is wonderful! Exactly what we needed!" Lois said. "Not only that, the luggage can talk!" Chris says.
The voice box of the luggage says, "LUGGAGE OPEN!" "LUGGAGE CLOSE" Peter claps his hands and does his, "hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!" laugh. "Brian laughs, "You would like that, wouldn't you?"
"Greatest anniversary ever!" said Peter. "We got help from some escaped metal hospital patient." Stewie says.
After a while, Lois was playing the piano. Chris, Stewie, Peter, Brian, and Lois all sang a song. The Happy Anniversary song from The Flintstones.
Happy Anniversary 4x
"Pour a cheerful toast and fill it
Happy Anniversary
But be careful you don't spill it
Happy Anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Haaappy Anniversary
Happy she and happy he
They're both as happy as can be
Celebrating merrily
their happy anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Haaappy Anniversary
We now state emphatically
its happy anniversary
Not another day could be
a happy anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy (slow)
Happy (slow)
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy (fast)
Anniversary!!!"
The Griffin family had a blast celebrating Peter's and Lois's anniversary. They had cake, games like Pin The Tail On The Donkey, Bobbing For Apples, and Twister. Brian says, "Yep, he's Peter all right. His ideal party is one that a child would have." "When I have an anniversary party, it's going to be a swanky soiree!" impedes Stewie.
But what about Meg? Where exactly did she land. Meg finds herself in a Taxi Cab that was being driven by Latka Gravas from the show Taxi.
"How did I get here?" asked Meg. "Where to, Miss?" asked Latka Gravas. "Get me out of here!" said Meg. "Why would you want to do that? Say I know!" said Latka Gravas.
"What is it? Are you going to take me back to Quahog?" asked Meg.
"Not at all, I drive you around New York and say my famous catchphrase" Latka Gravas tells her.
"Oh no! Please! Let me go!" Meg said. "I can tell you're a bitch so sit tight. Here I go! Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much..."
Meg screams and pleads for mercy as she sits in the back of the Taxi cab with Latka Gravas saying Thank You Very Much a million times over.
THE END
The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!
Family Guy Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
The Return of Stan Thompson
A day from now, it will be the Wedding Anniversary of Peter and Lois. Meg, Chris, and Stewie were making preparations to go out and buy an anniversary gift for their parents. Peter walks into the living room.
"Hey, Lois. I'm about to take a shower. Is it okay if I use a hair dryer while I dry my hair?" asked Peter.
"Peter, we've been through this many times, you cannot take a hair dryer into the shower!" warns Lois.
"Why not? I just thought it would be a quicker way to save time." Peter tells his wife. Brian joins in, "Peter, didn't anyone ever tell you that water and electricity don't mix?"
"I don't care, I just don't want to get out of the shower after I dry my hair." said Peter. "You know what? Fine! Do it, okay!" said Lois.
"Yay! Awesome! You let me do what I want!" said Peter with glee. "Oh boy. Looks like history will repeat itself." Lois says. "What do you mean?" asked Brian.
"He's about to lose this memory." Lois recalls. "Are you sure Dad is my real father?" asked Meg. "Yes he is." said Lois. "WHAT! You mean I'm related to that bastard?" Meg says with shock.
"What's this thing about losing his memory?" Brian asked. "Come on! Are we going to go or what!" Chris demanded. "We'll go as soon as we hear Lois's story. Which I'm dying to hear." said Stewie.
"I thought my real Dad was a man named Stan Thompson." Meg says. "Well what I am about to tell you, before I begin. Stan Thompson and Peter are one in the same." Lois tells.
"Really? So it wasn't some random dude you had a fling with?" asked Chris. "Here's the story everyone. It was the week before Meg was conceived....." Lois began.
A flashback sequence begins. Peter was watching MTV Sports with Joe Cortese. Lois walks into the room. "Come on, Peter! I want to make love! I'm totally fertile!" Lois demands.
"In a minute." Peter says laying on the couch. MTV Sports was about to end. "I'll be right there, Lois. I just want to open a paint can." said Peter. "All right." sighs Lois impatiently.
When Peter goes into the garage, he uses a paint can opener. Sniffing the paint Peter says, "Now I'm ready for anything!" Peter didn't take the paint can out of the opener. Which causes the paint can to fly and hit Peter on the head with the open lid to the paint can. Peter falls unconscious. Lois runs into the garage wanting to see what had happened. Blood was dripping from Peter's skull that was practically opened.
"OH MY GOD! PETER!" Lois screams. Calling 911, Lois goes into the ambulance with Peter. In the hospital, Peter's head was bandaged up. Doctor Hartman says, "We were able to fix the open skull. He'll be fine in a while."
Lois goes into Peter's hospital room and says, "Oh Peter. Why do you do such self destructive shit? Couldn't you have just dropped everything and made love to me first?" asked Lois. Peter wakes up and does not recognize Lois.
"Who're you?" asked Peter. "I'm Lois. Your wife!" she answers. "I don't know you. Who am I?" said Peter. "Yes you do! You're Peter Griffin! My newlywed husband." said Lois.
"No I'm not." said Peter. "Then who do you think you are?" asked Lois. Peter says, "I'm Stan Thompson. Insurance Agent! Illinois Life And Causality!"
"NNNNOOOO!" Lois screamed. Dr. Hartman walks in and reminds her, "Forgot to tell you there's going to be some memory loss." Lois continues the story, "From then on for about a week, Peter thinking he's Stan Thompson would run far away from me while going door to door selling his insurance."
"Illinois Life and Causality!" Peter says going door to door, only to have people slam the door in his face. "I would try pulling him away. Peter when he was Stan, was extremely stubborn, after I tried to convince him he was Peter, then he would push me aside..." Lois recalls some more, "Peter even tried to sell his insurance to teenagers in high school!" The scene shows Peter going to what was then called James Woods High to a bunch of teenagers who were smoking, "Illinois Life and Causality!" Peter introduced himself to the teens.
"FUCK YOU!" shouted one of the teens as the lead boy punched him out.
Lois concluded the story, "When Peter finally got his memory back after getting beaten by that teenage boy, we had sex." Peter's memory came back then the flashback sequence ended. "There's the story of how Meg was conceived." Lois says.
Chris laughs at Meg, "Guess you're one of us after all!" Meg grunts in anger, "I WANT OUT OF THIS FAMILY! CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO COLLEGE!"
Brian implies, "Whenever Peter has a freak accident, he becomes an insurance agent from Illinois?" "Yep, I'm afraid it's going to happen right about....." Lois observes.
Peter was heard in the bathroom yelling and hollering as he was being electrocuted by the hair dryer while the shower water was running. "Oh no!" Lois shrieked.
"Please be dead please be dead please be dead...." Stewie whispered and chanted. Peter comes out of the shower completely naked. Just as Lois feared, history was repeating itself. Thanks to the electric shock from the hair dryer that Peter was using in the shower, Peter Griffin was once again an insurance agent named Stan Thompson.
"Who the hell are you people! I've never seen you before in my life!" Peter tells his family. Brian tells Chris, Meg, and Stewie, "Uhh, kids. Why don't you all go get that anniversary gift for Peter and Lois. We'll stay here and handle things."
"Hmm, now I don't want to go anymore. I want to see how this plays out.... WOAH!" Chris says. Stewie then grabs Chris and drags him away. Meg follows them.
Brian tells Lois, "Let's try to get to know Stan Thompson a little better. Hey, there kind sir. Please do tell us about yourself." "Illinois Life And Causality!" Peter says extending his hand for a handshake.
Lois offers, "I guess I can have sex with him again..." "Sex with you? I only have sex with my wife who am I trustworthy and faithful to." Peter says to Lois as his alter ego Stan Thompson.
"I'm afraid having sex won't work this time." Brian tells Lois. "Yeah you're right. As I remember when Peter becomes Stan Thompson. He gets really stubborn, I know I said that before." said Lois.
Brian added, "Even though I wasn't there, I can believe it. Almost as stubborn as Peter is every Easter when he watches AD and The Robe.
(Cutaway Scene):
In the Griffin family living room, Peter was watching AD and he was drunk. "Say Peter, what are you watching?" asked Brian. "Ah Dah." said Peter with intoxication. Brian was stunned beyond belief.
"Is that the way you pronounce it, Ah Dah?" asked Brian. "Yeah, Ah Dah." answers Peter back. "It's AD." Brian says. "No, Ah Dah." Peter spits back. "AD!" Brian growls. "No, no, Ah Dah!" Peter spouted. "Okay, all right. Whatever! What do you plan to watch after?" asked Brian.
"The Rob." Peter says again with intoxication. "It's The ROBE!" yelled Brian. "The Rob!" Peter yells. "The ROBE!" Brian shouts back. "The ROB!" shouts Peter once more. "That's it! I give up! Have it your way!" Brian says stomping off in a maddening way.
*
Lois and Brian decide to play along with Peter's memory loss. "Let's just pretend we're interested in buying whatever insurance he supposedly sells." Brian suggested. "Okay, for now we'll go along with it." agreed Lois. Brian walks up to Peter casually, "Hey, what insurance do you sell to people?" "It's simple, really. I sell home insurance!" Peter answers as Stan Thompson.
"Is it at an affordable price?" asked Lois. "Not exactly. I can see you two can use some home equity! Now tell me your names." said Peter.
"I'm Lois."
"And I'm Brian, Griffin!"
"Hmm, Lois and Brian Griffin. Same last name. Don't tell me, you two are siblings, right! hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" laughed Peter wholeheartedly.
"I forgot when Peter was Stan Thompson he had an annoying laugh." Lois rolls her eyes. "Hopefully, he'll snap out of his amnesia in time for your anniversary." Brian said.
At the Quahog Mall, Chris, Meg, and Stewie were looking around for a gift for their parents impending anniversary.
"Let's try the Hallmark store." Meg pointed out. "No, Meg. Knowing Dad he'll want something at Spencers." Chris says. Stewie scoffs looking around the mall, "Why did they have to close down Baby Gap?"
Meg gasps when she sees Connie and Lisa walking their way. "OMG! It's Connie and Lisa! I can't be seen with you two when they're here! Quick! Hide me!"
A man in a yellow, and green superhero outfit stood in front of Chris, Meg, and Stewie. "Did you just say you didn't want to be seen?" asked the man.
"Who are you? Are you related to Shazam?" asked Chris. "No I am a Superhero from the future! The year 2135!" said the man.
"Oh fuck, I can see where this is going." Stewie says with disgust.
"Can you tell us your name?" Meg asked.
The man introduced himself, "I AM SUPER TERRIFIC DUDE! I AM HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD!" Super Terrific Dude ripped some cloth from his chest and it revealed the letters STD.
"Well you can't! So there!" Stewie yelled at Super Terrific Dude. "Wow! A real superhero? This is going to be holy freaking awesome! As Dad always says." said Chris.
Meg whispers, "We ought to be nice to him. He may not be right in the head." "Duh, anyone can see that!" Stewie says.
Super Terrific Dude tells Chris, Meg, and Stewie. "I am here to help you with anything you need!"
Chris said, "He's like one of those absurd superheroes from 1990s cartoons." "Never watch that shit. So anyway, Mr. STD..." Meg begins. Stewie begins to crack up at the initials of Super Terrific Dude.
"Stewie, no! Don't laugh at him! Please excuse our baby brother. He doesn't know any better. Back to the matter, we need help trying to find a present for our parents anniversary." Meg tells him.
"Have no fear, I am here! I am the boss, applesauce!" Super Terrific Dude said. "Cool catchphrases that rhyme! This reminds me of that Golden Girls episode about a stage play that dude was also called Mr. Terrific!" observes Chris. "Hey, you're not the target demographic of that show, I am!" Stewie spits out at Chris.
Some people walk by Meg, Chris, and Stewie with Super Terrific Dude. Then laughed and took pictures on their iPhones. "Why are they laughing at him?" asks Chris.
"I don't know, because his initials stand for Sexually Transmitted Disease? Rather obvious! How can you miss that? You that dumb?" Stewie spoke out.
"Come with me! I know the perfect place for you three to get a gift for an anniversary!" Super Terrific Dude tells Meg, Chris, and Stewie as they follow him in the mall.
Back at the Griffin house. Lois explained to Brian, "....and that's why I made Meg believe that Stan Thompson was another person." "Oh I get it. Peter has always resented Meg." Brian says.
"So that way, Peter can believe that Meg isn't really his daughter. When the fact is, Meg IS Peter's daughter. He was 'Stan Thompson' when I fucked him and got pregnant with Meg." Lois tells the story.
"You know, maybe Dr. Hartman can help you out with this." Brian said. "Good idea, the sooner Peter gets his memory back the better." Lois agreed. Calling Dr. Hartman it was a one sided conversation.
"Hello, Dr. Hartman. Yes, this is Lois Griffin. My husband Peter has come down with amnesia."
Still on the phone, Lois talks to Dr. Hartman, "No! We cannot bring him in, because hospitals these days are full of covid. Isn't there some kind of home remedy we can try.....What!"
"What did Dr. Hartman suggest?" asked Brian.
"Hit him on the head with a rolling pin," Lois tells Brian then continues the phone conversation, "No I don't think that's funny. No I don't watch MTV's Jackass. Yes you're right I should. Thanks anyway. Goodbye."
Getting no help from Dr. Hartman, Lois rants, "Why does Peter do such moronic stuff!" Brian says, "That's the $64,000 question!" Brian stated.
"Who told him it was okay to use a hair dryer in a shower! He's like a 3 year old you have to keep your eye on him constantly." Lois declared. Then she and Brian stare at the screen for 5 seconds.
"Huh, thought there would be a cutaway of that." said Brian. That's when Lois decides to get creative. "I got it!"
"Really what?" asked Brian. "Peter loves junk food. Maybe that can jog his memory." Lois said.
"Exactly. Get some of Peter's favorite junk food!" Brian tells Lois.
Peter was in the living room. Wearing a suit. Lois and Brian come to him with a tray. "You going to work your way into my heart though my stomach? hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" laughed Peter still thinking he's Stan Thompson.
"We know Peter Griffin is in there somewhere. So we decided to give you your favorite food!" Brian told Peter.
"Wait a minute! That's all doughnuts and brownies! Who do you think I am? Homer Simpson!" Peter said. "I am an Ivy League college grad! Just can't think of the college I went to...." Peter spoke again.
"No, it's just a way to...." Lois says and she is interrupted. "I cannot eat this garbage! I have a very delicate stomach! I'm a vegan for God's Sake!" Peter said.
"It's like this Stan Thompson is the exact opposite of Peter." Brian mumbled.
"Oh actually, these brownies and doughnuts are dairy free." said Lois.
"I see what you're doing. I'll let you know I do not let other women seduce me." Peter warns. "We are not trying to do any such a thing." Lois says. Brian gets a mirror, "Does this look like an insurance agent?"
Peter looks at himself in the mirror, "I dress like another insurance agent I know. Burt Sandawsky. That explains why I look the way I do. But he's not in the Million Dollar Club....."
"You are NOT STAN THOMPSON! You're Peter Griffin! Can't you see that! We want you to get your memories back!" Brian yells. "You know what? You guys are free thinkers. Believe in anything you want. To prove I am Stan Thompson I am going back to Illinois and...." Peter was about to run out the door. Lois and Brian stop him.
"DON'T LET HIM GO!" Lois screams. Brian and Lois have grabbed Peter by the arms.
"I just realized something. You're both holding me prisoner! I heard this happening to other insurance agents, and I never thought it would happen to me." Peter says.
Lois and Brian force Peter upstairs into his bedroom and baracade the door. "You are right about Stan Thompson being stubborn." Brian tells Lois. "Yes he was. When he was Stan Thompson no matter how hard I tried to get him to remember me. He kept fighting back." Lois recalled.
"I miss Peter already." Brian sighed. "Me too! I want Peter back more than anything." Lois sighs along with Brian. "Yes, the Peter we know and love. Like the one who said something totally out of place at the end of the movie Melancholia." Lois says.
Cutaway Scene:
Peter, Lois, Brian, Joe, Bonnie, Cleveland, Donna, and Quagmire were all in Joe's living room watching the end of Melancholia where Justine, Claire, and Leo were sitting in the 'magic' cave as the planet Melancholia was crashing into Earth.
Everyone was in awe of the movie's ending, except Peter.
Getting up from the couch Peter asks everyone, "So, who's up for Chinese? McBurgerTown? A pizza maybe?"
*
Brian was on the internet looking up ways to cure amnesia. He found something, "HA! Houston! We have a solution!" Brian exclaims. Lois walks up to the Griffin family dog.
"Well I have Peter I mean Stan Thompson locked in our bedroom." said Lois. "I think I got something here." said Brian. "What is it?" asks Lois. "Hot showers! Maybe that can restore Peter's memory." Brian concedes.
Lois adds on, "All right. It's worth a shot. But how are we going to get 'Stan Thompson' to take a shower?" "Boil some coffee and pour it on his shirt." Brian suggested. "I'll do it." said Lois.
In the Master Bedroom where Peter and Lois slept, Peter as Stan Thompson was on the phone with a female insurance agent. "...but I can't come over! I'm being held hostage here! It's the truth. For some strange reason I ended up in Rhode Island and some woman who claims to be my wife and her dog thinks I am someone else...does that sound like a joke? Yeah, I know you sued me for sexual harrasment and....." The phone on the other end hangs up. "Hello? Hello?" Peter sighs.
Brian and Lois enter the room. "Hey Stan!" Brian greeted. "Have you decided to let me go back to Illinois?" asks Peter. "Uhh, yeah. Just as long as you drink this coffee and..." Lois says and then pretends to slip on the floor. "WOAH!" Lois yelped as she spilled the coffee that flew in mid air and landed on Peter's shirt.
"OH NO! MY BEST SHIRT! MY FAVORITE WORK SHIRT!" shouted Peter. "OH I AM SO SORRY!" Lois cried. "Why don't you take a hot shower and wash yourself off." said Brian. "Yeah, you look like you can use one." said Lois.
"Fine, I will. Then you both let me go back home!" Peter said. "Of course. My Dad is rich, he owns a private jet." Lois tells Peter. "That he does, you can go back to Illinois in style." Brian says.
"Okay." Peter said. Going into the shower, Peter washes himself off. Lois puts Peter's clothes he wears as insurance agent Stan Thompson in the garbage. When Peter was done with the shower, Brian handed Peter his usual clothes, white short, green pants, and brown shoes.
"Thank you." Peter tells Brian. "Do you remember anything?" asked Brian. "What's supposed to mean? Now that you mention it, I could not find my penis in the shower for some reason." Peter speaks.
"That proves it!" Brian says snapping his paw. "Proves what?" asked Peter. "That you're Peter Griffin! He can never find his penis when he takes a shower! Did that shower help with your memory by chance?" Brian asks.
"Come to think about it, something is coming to me. Like a nail being lifted. Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin. That's who I am. And I am from the town of.....uh......Pittsburgh!" Peter replied.
"QUAHOG!" Brian shouts. "Give me back my clothes!" Peter yelled. Brian throws Peter's clothes at 'Stan Thompson' in frustration. "Go ahead and have it."
Outside the Master Bedroom, Lois was distraught. "It's no use. We've done everything we could. He's still Stan Thompson! Perhaps maybe forever."
"You know what. Let's just let him go back to Illinois and.." Brian was about to go on. "Nah what good would that do? Guess we can go to Adam West High school and have him try to sell his insurance to trendy teenagers..that's what worked before." Lois says.
Then Brian and Lois hear Peter on the phone. They tried to listen in but could not make out what Peter was saying. Lois and Brian broke into the master bedroom.
"Who were you just calling?" asked Brian. "We never gave you permission to use our phone, Peter...I mean STAN THOMPSON!" Lois demanded.
"HA! Your goose is cooked now, assholes! I called the police! I told them you've abducted me and won't let me go home. hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" Peter laughs wholeheartedly.
"He's called the police!" Lois panics. "That's just great. Any minute now the police are going to come and try to find a kidnapped insurance agent named Stan Thompson." said Brian.
"Wait! Yesterday I overheard Joe tell Peter he's the only policeman on duty today." Lois says. "Well, we can only anticipate that Joe will come over and talk some sense into Peter." Brian told Lois. "Of course, if anyone can help Peter remember who he is, it's Joe." agrees Lois. "Yes, and maybe Joe can use his powers of persuasion as a police officer and Peter can get his memory back in time for our anniversary!" Lois says now feeling a teeny glimmer of hope.
Joe Swanson was their only hope now. Back in the Quahog Mall, Super Terrific Dude was leading Meg, Chris, and Stewie into a luggage store.
"What's with the luggage store?" asked Chris.
"Want to ease your parents baggage? Get them some luggage!" said Super Terrific Dude. "This guy just gets more and more fucking annoying!" Stewie says to himself. "Why are you complaining! That almost rhymed! More like word association!" Chris says.
"You know, maybe that is a good idea." said Meg. "Yeah, our luggage always gets lost in the airport baggage claim." Chris says.
"So, how many parents do you have?" asked Super Terrific Dude?" "We have two." Meg says in a say-what kind of way.
"Two luggage! One for him and one for the misses!" Super Terrific Dude says. "Who's going to pay for it?" asked Meg. "I will of course! With my trusty laser gun of course!" Super Terrific Dude says. The 'laser gun' was really a squirt gun. Chris laughs, "It was really a squirt gun the whole time! Who could've seen that one coming! I love this guy!"
"I HATE THIS SON OF A BITCH! I WANT TO KILL HIM!" Stewie shouted.
"No just kidding, I'll just call my friend, Credit Card Man!" Super Terrific Dude takes a credit card out of his wallet. Meg says, "That is interesting....." Chris just cracks up at Super Terrific Dude's antics. "He said Credit Card Man and took out a credit card! How cool can this guy get!" Chris laughs out loud.
Stewie was growing frustrated and angry at the moment. "Getting help to get an anniversary gift for Lois and the Fatman from some lunatic in a superhero costume! This is more embarrassing when me and Brian played out an alternate ending to Murphy's War.
Cutaway Scene:
Brian and Stewie were at a beach. Brian walks away from Stewie in a fed up manner. Stewie called out to Brian, "LOUIE! LOUIE I'M NOT ABLE ON MY OWN!"
Turning around and feeling irked at what Stewie says, Brian walks up to him, "That is the worst Peter O'Toole impression I have ever heard!" "Sor-ree! This is my first time using his voice." Stewie says. "It's able on _me_ own!" Brian tells the baby. "Sure I can do that..let's start over and..." Stewie says and Brian still walks away from him.
"Next time, get an acting coach! I'm done with this!" Brian said walking away. "LOUIE! GET YOUR FUZZY ASS BACK HERE!" Stewie shouted. "Still not good enough. There was no profanity in Murphy's War! Hell, everyone on the beach is watching us wondering what the fuck we are doing!" Brian shouted back at Stewie.
The beach goers all stared at Brian and Stewie in confusion.
*
A knock is heard at the door. Brian goes to answer it. Behind the door was Joe Swanson. Brian and Lois were relieved. "Oh it's you Joe. Thank the stars you're here." Brian told Joe.
"Maybe you'd like to explain why you're holding an innocent insurance agent captive." Joe says with suspicion. "No, Joe that's not the case at all. You see Peter wanted to try a hair dryer in the shower and he got an electric shock." Lois explains.
"Since then, Peter has lost his memory. Doesn't remember who he is, and now thinks he's an insurance agent named Stan Thompson." said Brian.
Joe was still in disbelief. "Come inside if you don't believe us." Lois says. Peter as Stan Thompson greets himself to Joe, "Hello, officer. I'm Stan Thompson! These people won't let me go back home. Illinois Life and Causality!"
"Guess your story checks out. I'll try to help you." Joe promises. Brian, Lois, Joe, and Peter were gathered around the kitchen table to try to talk some sense into Peter.
"Arrest them, officer! Arrest them!" Peter demanded. "OKay, I've worked with memory loss cases before. But never where somebody used an electric appliance in a shower!" Joe says.
"We tried everything to get Peter's memory back. I even tried junk food." said Brian. "Nothing works. No matter how hard we try to tell him he's Peter, he still insists he's Stan Thompson." Lois says.
Joe holds up a picture of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire at the Drunken Clam when they were getting their booth taken away by those Marines. "Peter!" Joe calls him. "No you call me Stan!" Peter sassed at Joe.
"See this man here in the picture eating spinach like Popeye...." Joe questioned Peter. "That's a rather idiotic thing to do! Popeye isn't real! I'm a down to earth realist kind of guy. I would never think I'm Popeye. What moron does that!" Peter spat out.
"That's not the point, this was the time at the Drunken Clam when those Marines tried to take over our booth we always sit in." Joe says. "Yes, I remember too. You told a story about how you and your friends got into a fight with those Marines." Brian says. "Yeah, it's the truth. I heard it too." Lois joined in. "Hanging around in bars? Fighting with military personnel? This Peter Griffin fella sounds like he's a modern day Neanderthal!" Peter implies.
"Yes, but don't you see? This Peter Griffin fellow in this picture...IT'S YOU!" Joe shouts.
"That is not me! Why in the hell would I want to use violence? I am a man of peace! Jesus Peace! Not Hippie Peace mind you!" Peter says. "All the more reason Peter needs his memory back. If he stays in Stan Thompson mode forever, and he's a Jesus freak, too?.....hoo boy!" Brian sighs with indifference.
"What's wrong with being a Jesus freak, dog! It's good to believe in a higher power. You gotta problem with religion? huh? huh?!" Peter says huffing at Brian. "Good work, Joe! I think we have a breakthrough!" Lois says.
"Oh no! I feel so bad. I never lashed out like that at people before..." Peter says with shame. "No no no. Don't feel bad, Pet....I mean Stan." said Joe.
"We just want our Peter back!" Lois said. "This Peter guy! It's always about this Peter guy with you! He sounds like a raging psychopath if you ask me. Imitating Popeye, getting violent with people, going to bars and getting drunk! This Peter Griffin is a fantasy freakazoid, who's also a menace to society and should've been locked away in prison a long time ago! I bet he doesn't even exist." Peter said going back into Stan Thompson mode.
"There's only one thing left to do." Brian said. "What is it?" asked Lois. "When Joe showed him that picture of him at the Drunken Clam. Maybe we should get him drunk!" Brian says. "Yeah! That's it! We'll give Peter some beer, who wants to get some Pawtucket Beer!" Joe says.
"WHAT?! You're getting me drunk now?" Peter shrilled. "Yes, it's probably the only thing that can bring you back to us." Joe said. "Who wants to get some beer for him?" asked Brian. "I will!" Lois said with happiness.
"If you think beer is going to turn me into Peter Griffin, then you're all even more insane as I thought you all were!" protested Peter. "Brian! I'm back with the beer! Get a funnel!" Lois ordered. "Aye aye, Lois!" Brian saluted.
Peter begins to have an outburst. "I SHALL NOT DRINK BEER! IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I AM AND BELIEVE IN! I AM AN INSURANCE AGENT! THEREFORE I DO NOT DRINK BEER AND...."
Brian shoved the funnel down Peter's mouth. Lois poured it with beer. Joe says, "YES! YES! Keep forcing him to drink! Peter will be back to his old self in no time!"
Peter muffled when the beer was being forced down his mouth. Lois says, "He'll be back to shooting zombies he thought were real like when he walked onto the set of Shaun Of The Dead!"
Cutaway Scene:
Peter had a crossbow and was shooting at zombies that were really actors. Edgar White comes out of nowhere and yells, "CUT! What the fuck just happened here!"
"Uhhh, hee hee hee, Saving the world from a Zombie Apocalypse?" asks Peter in complete obliviousness.
"Those were bit actors! You're on a movie set you dumbass!" Edgar White screamed at Peter. "Really? What movie is it?" Peter asks. "I was shooting Shaun of The Dead!" Edgar answers.
"Ooooh. Sorry. I did not think that through! I'll just show myself out!" Peter says running away.
At the Quahog Mall. Super Terrific Dude got the luggage and was rolling them out. "Hmm, Mom and Dad will like these." Meg stated. "Yes, they will. Hold on a minute I will buy something that will make the luggage even better!" Super Terrific Dude says.
Chris laughs, "This is the best anniversary gift shopping randeouvs ever!" "Not to me it isn't!" Stewie says. Super Terrific Dude stops into a shop that sells voice boxes. As soon as Super Terrific Dude buys two of them, he installs the voice boxes onto the luggage.
"Tah Dah!" Super Terrific Dude cheered. "What's with the voice boxes on the luggage?" Meg asks. "It's an invention I saw in the future. Talking Luggage!" announces Super Terrific Dude.
"Brilliant idea. Ba-De-Ba-Dap! Ba-De-Ba-Dap! Ba-De-Ba-Dap!" Stewie says with sarcasm. "Stewie! Why do you have to be so judgemental?" asked Chris with concern.
"Let me show you how talking luggage works!" demonstrated Super Terrific Dude. He opens the luggage and the voice box says, "LUGGAGE OPEN!" "Awesome!" Chris exclaims.
"What do you say if you want the luggage to close?" Meg asks. "LUGGAGE CLOSE!" the voice box says that causes the opening to bounce and send Meg flying into the air.
"WWWWWOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!" Meg screams soaring through the sky. "Wow! Talking Luggage is awesome!" Chris says.
"Dumbest invention ever! Even more ridiculous when the Hot Fuzz infiltrated a Romeo and Juliet Stage Play.
Cutaway Scene:
Nicholas and Danny break into a building. "FREEZE POLICE!" they both shouted. Then they see the place they thought was Sanford Castle was a theater. The play was Romeo and Juliet.
"What the hell is this?" shouted Danny!
One of the actors says, "You broke into the wrong place!" "Yeah, get out of here you're ruining our play!"
Nicholas tells Danny, "Okay let's go then."
Stewie and Chris observe the recent cutaways. "Both of these cutaways are from Edgar White movies." Chris says, "Yeah you're right! Both used in the same sequence!"
Meg was still flying in the air, "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Chris thanks Super Terrific Dude. "We never could've gotten these anniversary gifts for our parents without you." "I was happy to help. Whenever there is danger. Whenever kids need help pleasing their parents I am......(hums fanfare) Super Terrific Dude! Now I have to go back to the....."
When Super Terrific Dude thought he was going to fly into the sky, two men in a squad car came and stop Super Terrific Dude.
"All right, Mr Super Terrific Asshole. Back to the sanitarium you go!" said one of the men. "But, but, but! I have to save the future now." protested Super Terrific Dude.
"Don't worry, that's the job of liberal politicians, not you!" said one of the men. "So well put!" said the other man. Before he knew it, Super Terrific Dude was screaming obsenities and being forced into the squad car and he headed back to the sanitarium.
"Good Bye Super Terrific Dude! I love you!" Chris calls out. Stewie says, "It serves him right for dressing like a Jiffy Pop bag!"
Back at the Griffin house, Peter was so drunk that he passed out. Lois and Brian observe him.
"When he wakes up, he'll be back to being Peter." said Brian. "Absolutely! No more of this Stan Thompson bullshit!" Lois implies. Joe goes back to the station.
"Let me know how it turns out." Joe says, "Thank you for helping us with this." Lois says her goodbyes.
*
The next day was Peter's and Lois's anniversary. Peter wakes up, but has a bad hangover. "Oh, Lois! Lois! I have a terrible headache!" Peter calls out to his wife.
"Peter! You're back! You know me!" Lois said with pride. "I'm back? What about my back! How about my head! Yes I do know you! You remind me everyday with your nagging!" said Peter.
Brian comes in with a hangover cure. "So, Peter. Ready to celebrate your anniversary?"
"You know it! Thanks Brian buddy!" said Peter who was drinking the hangover cure. "Peter! You know us again! You're not Stan Thompson anymore!" Brian exclaims. "Of course I know you. Why wouldn't I?" said Peter. Chris and Stewie come back without Meg with the talking luggage.
"Mom! Dad! We got you an awesome present!" Chris calls out. Peter Griffin was back to his normal self again. Stan Thompson was long gone. Lois and Peter open the presents and they find the talking luggage.
"This is wonderful! Exactly what we needed!" Lois said. "Not only that, the luggage can talk!" Chris says.
The voice box of the luggage says, "LUGGAGE OPEN!" "LUGGAGE CLOSE" Peter claps his hands and does his, "hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!" laugh. "Brian laughs, "You would like that, wouldn't you?"
"Greatest anniversary ever!" said Peter. "We got help from some escaped metal hospital patient." Stewie says.
After a while, Lois was playing the piano. Chris, Stewie, Peter, Brian, and Lois all sang a song. The Happy Anniversary song from The Flintstones.
Happy Anniversary 4x
"Pour a cheerful toast and fill it
Happy Anniversary
But be careful you don't spill it
Happy Anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Haaappy Anniversary
Happy she and happy he
They're both as happy as can be
Celebrating merrily
their happy anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Haaappy Anniversary
We now state emphatically
its happy anniversary
Not another day could be
a happy anniversary
Ooooo Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy (slow)
Happy (slow)
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy (fast)
Anniversary!!!"
The Griffin family had a blast celebrating Peter's and Lois's anniversary. They had cake, games like Pin The Tail On The Donkey, Bobbing For Apples, and Twister. Brian says, "Yep, he's Peter all right. His ideal party is one that a child would have." "When I have an anniversary party, it's going to be a swanky soiree!" impedes Stewie.
But what about Meg? Where exactly did she land. Meg finds herself in a Taxi Cab that was being driven by Latka Gravas from the show Taxi.
"How did I get here?" asked Meg. "Where to, Miss?" asked Latka Gravas. "Get me out of here!" said Meg. "Why would you want to do that? Say I know!" said Latka Gravas.
"What is it? Are you going to take me back to Quahog?" asked Meg.
"Not at all, I drive you around New York and say my famous catchphrase" Latka Gravas tells her.
"Oh no! Please! Let me go!" Meg said. "I can tell you're a bitch so sit tight. Here I go! Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much Thank You Very Much..."
Meg screams and pleads for mercy as she sits in the back of the Taxi cab with Latka Gravas saying Thank You Very Much a million times over.
THE END
The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!
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