Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

Black Hole Smoke

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

When Dusty Marlowe fails a police mission. He is fired from the Paradise PD. Dusty then finds employment at a comic book store.

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Parody - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2022-09-03 - 6962 words - Complete

Paradise PD

Fanfic Title:

Black Hole Smoke

by: Trenton Sands

Scene 1:

At a farmfield outside of Paradise. Robbie and Delbert were joyriding on a tractor. Dusty was in a police car chasing them around.

Robbie (sips a beer): YYYAAAHHHHOOOOO! This is awesome, isn't it, Delbert!

Delbert (sips a beer): YYYYAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOO! You know it is, Robbie! Better than any elephant!

Robbie: I'm glad we watched Steve McQueen's last movie Hunter!

Delbert: Steve McQueen is a great inspiration!

Ruining the farmfield on the tractor, Dusty driving a police car demands that they stop.

Dusty (over megaphone): Freeze! Paradise PD! Pull over! You're under arrest!

Robbie: Yeah, like we're gonna listen to him!

Delbert: Speed up this shit, already!

The chase goes on. The tractor goes faster. Dusty honks his horn which makes Robbie and Delbert laugh at him. In the back, Delbert finds some dynamite sticks.

Robbie: Holy fuck, Delbert! Are those dynamite sticks?!

Delbert: Yeah they are, they're even from the ACME corporation!

Dusty: Hey! I'm serious here.....stop in the name of the law! Don't you know that stop in the name of the law, means?! ANOTHER THING, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!

Robbie and Delbert light up the dynamite sticks and throw them at Dusty's police car that bounce on his windshield.

Dusty: OOHH! Jesus Fucking Christ!

Robbie and Delbert soon get the upper hand when one of the dynamite sticks they throw landed on the thrust pipe on Dusty's police car that explodes. Dusty flies into the air. Robbie and Delbert laugh and high five each other.

Dusty: I'll get you next time you dumb shit hicks!

Landing on a phone booth after flying in the air, Dusty gets up. His fat consumed the phone booth as he is stuck inside.

Dusty: Dusty Marlowe may have failed, this looks like a job for......(whistles fanfare) PHONE BOOTH MAN!

Running in the cornfields wearing a phone booth, Dusty tries to catch up but easily gets out of breath due to his morbid obesity.

Robbie: HAHAHAHA! What does he think he is?

Delbert: A superhero of some sort!

Robbie: What the hell kind of sumbitch superhero is THAT?

Delbert: Dunno, Robbie, probably Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid when he dressed like a shower!

Dusty: Now you guys won't get away with what you're doing! PHONE BOOTH MAN is here and....

Robbie (throws dynamite stick): AHHHH! SHUT UP!

Delbert: We win again! Hicks 1 Dusty 0!

The dynamite stick lands on Dusty making him fly into the air again. The phone booth was now off his body. Dusty landed in his police car. Randall calls him on the police radio.


Scene 2:

Later on, Dusty reported back to Paradise PD Headquarters to face Randall's wrath.


Dusty: It's not my fault, Randall that they had a tractor!

Randall: Tractors are slow! You could've stopped it so easy!

Gina: Yeah, what chance does a tractor have against a police car?

Kevin: Come on, Dad. Don't you think you're being a little too hard on Dusty?

Stanley: He's hard on everyone! You all should be used to it by now. I was hard on Robert Montgomery in Lady Of The Lake.

Bullet: I'm on Randall's side, here Dusty. What in the fuck made you fail with tractor theft?

Dusty: Apparently, Robbie and Delbert had dynamite sticks and threw them at me. That's what did me in.

Randall: DYNAMITE STICKS?!?! You were trained to avoid, throw them back and deactivate them!

Dusty: Look I'm sorry it won't happen again, honest!

Randall: Oh my gosh I need to sit down.

Kevin: You are sitting down, Dad!

Randall: Oh yes that's correct I am sitting down. For once you're right Kevin.

Kevin: Why thank you, Dad! (rapping) That's me! Kevin C! Keepin It Good In The Hood!

Randall: Don't distract me, Kevin! I'm trying to get an idea for Dusty! I got one! Dusty! YOU! Need to sit down!

Pressing a button, a couch comes down from a platform. It was the same couch Dusty was almost executed Dusty sits on the couch.

Dusty: This brings back an unpleasant memory. I'm sitting down, now what?

Randall (presses another button): THIS!

The couch sends Dusty sailing out of the enterance to the Paradise PD Police Headquarters.


Gina: What the fuck did you do with him?

Randall: I banished him! Any more questions, comments, or remarks about what I did, you'll all be next!

Bullet: Guess that means I'll stay out of the Evidence Room.

Scene 3:

Loitering on the streets of Paradise. Dusty was out of a job. Walking around trying to find work, Dusty came up short. No stores or businesses were hiring.

Dusty (to people passing by): Change? Change? Change?

People were walking by Dusty and ignoring him. Dusty was saddened.

Dusty: Where am I going to find another job now? Police work is all I know!

More people walk by Dusty and didn't notice him. That was until Hobo Cop spotted him.

Hobo Cop: You too, hey?

Dusty: Hobo Cop! Did you come here to ask for change yourself?

Hobo Cop: Last time I asked for change was when Obama was running. Boy did we homeless people get it or what! If you catch my drift.

Dusty: Never been jobless or homeless before. Just trying to look for another job.

Hobo Cop: Know what? I'm kind of sick of being a hobo. I'm looking for a job myself.

Dusty: If only we can find one....

Hobo Cop (points): How about that Comic Book store? It's called Die Alone Comics!

Dusty looks at the Comic Book Store. To their luck, there was a sign outside that reads HELP WANTED.

Hobo Cop: So? Want to try it out?

Dusty: Do I ever! I used to collect all sort of Harvey Comics when I was a kid!

Hobo Cop: Look at us now, a couple of failed cops working at a Comic Book store!

Dusty: Oh boy! It's going to be fun to work at Die Alone Comics! I've been collecting Vampire Boy Band comic books!

Hobo Cop: What the fuck is Vampire Boy Band?

Dusty: It's my new favorite show on Disney Plus next to Wall Eyed Wally.

Now full of hope, Dusty and Hobo Cop apply for a job at Die Alone Comics. Meanwhile the Paradise PD go on fighting crimes without Dusty.

Scene 4:

In the backyard of the Dippin' Dots Building. Fitz was away. So Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Russian Mobster, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth and Pat Robertson were setting up a table as if they were preparing for a picnic.

Russian Mobster: Ahhh, done!

Pedro Pooptooth: How many plates is that, puto?

Russian Mobster: Enough for all of us. We have 1...2...3...4...5...6...7! Seven plates! HA HA HA HA HA!

Frank Flipperfist: What's taking Fitz so long coming back with the food?

Brett DeMarco (rolls eyes): He wants everything to be perfect.

Zeta: Hey, uncle Brett. How come you aren't excited for our Legion of DOOOOOM Labor Day Barbecue?

Brett DeMarco: Well, Zeta. Before you came to us. Every year, Fitz pulls the same shit all the time.

Frank Flipperfist: You're telling me. First he spends over two hours at the grocery store...

Brett DeMarco: Comes back with so many ingredients.....

Pat Robertson: Then when he comes home he gives us all a 'job' to do.

Pedro Pooptooth hears Fitz come up.

Zeta: Hmm. Every year on Labor Day my old family would have just dinner and then my parents would sit drunk and high on their couch and watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

Frank Flipperfist: And when he grills the burgers he keeps singing, "Who'll Stop The Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Fitz (carries bags of groceries): Hey, everybody.

Russian Mobster: That must be him. He must be 1...2...3...4! 4 yards away from us! HA HA HA HA!

Fitz: All right. Everyone as you all know. Today is Labor Day!

Pat Robertson: We know.

Fitz: Now that I'm back with the food. We are going to have the best feast a villain and their evil corporation has ever had!

Brett DeMarco: Here he goes....

Fitz: Like we always do every year, you all have a job to do to make this dinner possible!

Zeta: Would you like me to help, Daddy Fitz?

Fitz: No, Zeta. Go off and play until the dinner is ready.

Zeta (runs off): Okay!

Fitz (gives Russian Mobster corn ears): Russian Mobster you're in charge of boiling the corn!

Russian Mobster: Great! I have to boil, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8! 8 ears of corn! HA HA HA HA! (depressed) Why am I laughing at this....

Fitz (hands Pat Robertson some macaroni and mayo): Pat Robertson, you will make the 'Heavenly' Macaroni Salad!

Pat Robertson: If this is God's will....

Fitz (hands Frank a cabbage and can of beans): Frank, you will make the coleslaw and bake the beans! (hands Pedro Pooptooth can of pie filling and crust) Pedro, you will make the pie.

Brett DeMarco: What the fuck inspired Fitz to pull this shit every year?

Fitz (walks up to Brett with a bag of potatoes): And you, Brett. You have the most important job and you are my most important helper of all!

Brett DeMarco (looks at the potatoes with resentment): GGGGGGRRRRRRRR....

Fitz: You're all probably wondering why I do this every year on Labor Day. It's because I was inspired by the BBQ scene in Poetic Justice! Now get to work everyone! Do what you are assigned to do!

Brett DeMarco: What about you?

Then Fitz was getting some raw meat and flattening it on the grill.

Fitz: Why I'm going to grill the burgers! While I sing my favorite song! (walks over to the grill) Long as I remember the rain been comin' down Clouds of mystery pourin' confusion on the ground......

Scene 5:

The Paradise PD were all riding in the same squad car that Randall was driving. Gina, and Bullet were up front with Randall. Kevin was in the backseat with Stanley who was sleeping.

Randall: This marks the beginning of a new era for a Paradise PD!

Kevin: What do you mean by that, Dad?

Randall: No fat maladroit, clodhopping fatasses fucking everything up! And look! Nobody's taking up space in the squad car!

Bullet: I'm glad you fired Dusty! I was getting sick of that John Candy and Chris Farley hybrid!

Gina: I'm not happy he's gone. In fact I'm pissed!

Kevin: Save your anger for the criminals, Gina.

Gina: I intend to do so. FUCK! I WANT DUSTY BACK!

Randall: He's not coming back, so get used to it!

Kevin: Hey, I know. Why not hire another fat guy to join Paradise PD?

Gina: Yeah, I would not mind that at all. Can you?

Bullet: Why would we want another fat guy?

Kevin: You know, to balance things out?

Randall: NNNOO! Shut up everyone! We're at our destination!

The Paradise PD Squad Car pulled up at the toy store. It was called Candy Sparkles.

Kevin: The Candy Sparkles Toy Store?

Bullet: What did you expect? A Toys R Us?

Stanley (now awake): Did someone mention Toys R Us? I can remember tongue kissing Charles Lazarus in his Geoffrey costume!

Gina (looks inside): Someone is going to rob the fucking place!

Randall: I can see that, Gina!

Inside the Candy Sparkles Toy Store, there was a robber inside wearing a Babar costume.

Kevin: That robber is dressed like Babar. Who did I know who used to read Babar. Now I remember! Dusty! I heard him say he liked those books when he was little!

Randall (yanks Kevin): This is no time to take a trip down memory lane about Dusty.

Gina (takes about police stick): I'm going to have fun tearing this mother fucker apart!



Bullet (laughing): Never thought I'd hear Babar say, 'Fucking'!

Stanley (points gun at robber): FREEZE! PARADISE PD!

The Robber turned around and saw Randall, Kevin, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley.

Kevin: Now Stay Calm and Keep Quiet....or whatever that meme says.

Bullet (laughs): That robber is like Russell Brand in that shitty Arthur remake!

Robber in Babar Costume: Stay out of this, cops!

Randall: You'll regret the day you were born! ATTACK!

Bullet, Randall, Stanley, and Kevin charged at the Robber in the Babar costume. However the robber beat up on Bullet, Kevin, Randall, and Stanley.


Gina: Thought you'd never ask! (to herself) Now is the time to unleash my anger about Dusty being gone!

The Robber in the Babar costume sees Gina fly at him. Gina flipped into the air and wrestled and karate kicked the robber on the ground.

Robber in Babar Costume: No! No! No! You wouldn't hurt Babar! Would ypu?

Gina: You're not Babar! You're a pathetic loser criminal robbing a kids store you penis licking twat waffle!

Pressing a button on her night stick, out comes a mini chainsaw.

Robber In Babar Costume: No! No! Not that! Not THAT!

Gina: Yes That!

Robber in Babar Costume: Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Gina uses the chainsaw to stab the robber in the stomach and cut down to his testicles. The robber was dead, bleeding from the wound Gina cut into him. It was the robbers arteries. Gina then used the chainsaw to cut the ears of the Babar costume.

Bullet: You're awesome, Gina! Thanks for saving our asses!

Kevin: If it weren't for you, we would've been peanuts!

Randall: Here that Kevin? You hear laughter? Nope! That's the sound of silence you're hearing! I am not taking Simon and Garfunkel!

Kevin: Okay! No more jokes! Sheesh!

Gina: Who says it's not acceptable to take your anger to an extreme (holds out ears to the costume): Who wants Elephant Ears! Get your Elephant Ears!

A crowd of kids runs over to Gina and they knock down Stanley. Kevin sighs.

Randall: What now, Kevin? Getting depressed? Do I need to put you on Effexor?

Kevin: No Dad. I just feel like something is missing.

Randall: Don't tell me you miss Dusty.

Kevin: I do. He would've liked this mission. It's just not the same without him.

Randall: Well forget about him. He's not coming back.

Kevin: Wherever he is. I hope he's happy.

Scene 6:

At Die Alone Comics, Dusty and Hobo Cop got hired as employees by the Manager.

Manager: Welcome to Die Alone Comics.

Dusty: Thank you so much for having us!

Hobo Cop: Been a while since I had a job.

Manager: Good thing you guys came because I am going on vacation for 2 weeks.

Dusty: Really? Where are you going to go?

Manager: I'm going to the New York City Comic Con, and Mr Dusty Marlowe, today is your lucky day.

Dusty: Really? I always knew I'd get lucky at a comic book store.

Manager: You are going to be a temporary manager while I'm gone.

Dusty: (jumps up and down): Oh boy! Where do I begin?

Manager: Just go upstairs to my office!

Hobo Cop: What about me? What shall I do?

Manager: You can just work the counter. In the meantime, you have to do everything Dusty tells you to do.

Hobo Cop: All right, then.

Dusty: I'm going to make you work your ass off! (laughs)

Manager: Whatever you do, Dusty. While I'm away, do NOT press the button on my desk.

Dusty: OKay, I won't let you down! Bye!

The Manager leaves for his vacation. Dusty goes upstairs to the office. It looked like an office a rich person would have.

Dusty: Wow! Very cushy here!

Walking over to the desk, Dusty sits himself on the chair.

Dusty: Wow! It's going to be so cool to be in charge! I WANT THE TRUTH! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (laughs)

Seeing a sign that says, "DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON", Dusty pushes it anyway.

Dusty: Wonder why I couldn't push this button? Well, let's find out.

When Dusty pushes the button, the chair begins to shake. Dusty feels a massaging sensation. Hobo Cop was waiting for costumers.

Hobo Cop: Come on, costumers! Any day now.

Dusty: Ooooh! That's so orgasmic!

Pushing the button again, Dusty jizzes in his pants until his eyes become red. Dusty soon feels an evilness spread out within him.


Scene 7:

In the backyard of the Dippin' Dots building, Fitz was about to grill the hamburgers. Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, and Brett DeMarco all got done with their cooking duties.

Fitz: You all did an excellent job with the cooking, Legion Of DOOOOM. And now the moment you've all been waiting for! The grilling of the burgers!

Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth all clapped. Zeta was still playing around and climbing and hanging herself on trees.

Brett DeMarco (deadpan): Yay....

Fitz (igniting the grill and singing): .......And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?

Brett DeMarco (muttering): Stop singing that stupid fucking song!

When Fitz was going to ignite the grill, it didn't turn on.

Fitz: DAMN! The grill won't start!

Frank Flipperfist: Anything we can do to help?

Fitz: Yes, find out why!

Frank Flipperfist takes out the grill pan and sees there are no ashes inside.

Fitz: Well?!?!?!

Frank Fliperfist: It appears you don't have any ashes.

Fitz: What the FUCK! I thought we had some in there! We always do. We did last year.

Frank Flipperfist: We always clean it out whenever we're done!

Fitz: Well I demand you find some more!

Pedro Pooptooth: Tell you what, puto! How about me and Frank go and find some.

Frank Flipperfist: Where do we find ashes though? I don't even know!

Fitz: Look inside people's houses and see if there are any!

Russian Mobster: How about I smoke some cigarettes? I have 1...2...3...4...4 cigarettes! HA HA HA!

Fitz: That won't be enough. Frank and Pedro I order you both to get some ashes for the grill! NOW!

Frank Fliperfist: We'll be back.

10 minutes later, Pedro Pooptooth and Frank Flipperfist came back with some ashes. Huge bags with ashes filled.

Fitz: Good work, men! Now pour them in!

Pedro Pooptooth and Frank Flipperfist pour the ashes in the grill.

Fitz: Where did you guys get the ashes, exactly?

Pedro Pooptooth: Like you said, we just went inside people's houses and found some, puto!

Frank Flipperfist: You can learn a lot about someone just by going into their house!

Pedro Pooptooth: We went to Unregistered Earl's house and we found the ash in his trashcan.

Frank Flipperfist: Yes we also found that he has a lot of dresses in his closet!

Pedro Pooptooth: That was creepy as fuck, that dude must be a drag queen or something.

Fitz: Doesn't matter. What does matter is, that we got our ashes! Now we can grill the burgers.

Frank Flipperfist: Oh one more thing.

Fitz: What's that?

Pedro Pooptooth: We found some at your old house where you used to live.

Fitz: You guys did good! Let the Legion Of DOOOOOM Labor Day barbecue commence!

Pedro Pooptooth (whispers): For some reason those ashes he found at Fitz's old house were in an urn.

Frank Flipperfist (whispers): Don't worry about it.

The urn fell under the grill without Fitz's knowledge.

Fitz (singing while grilling the burgers): I went down Virginia, seekin' shelter from the storm. Caught up in the fable, I watched the tower grow.

Brett DeMarco: FUCK THAT SONG!!!!

Scene 8:

The Paradise PD Squad Car was racing to Possum Pizza. They had gotten the word that some nuns and animatronics were invading the place.

Randall (stops and parks the squad car): We are doing so much better without Dusty! Don't you think!

Bullet: I don't care either way!

Stanley: I once knew somebody like Dusty once. That man was Buddy Hackett in the movie Walking My Baby Home!

Kevin: Possum Pizza, this is one of Dusty's favorite places.

Gina: I am still angry as shit that you fired Dusty!

Randall: I don't care! Lets all go inside and see what's going on.

Breaking into Possum Pizza, they see nuns have taken over the place as well as animatronics.

Gina: Those fucking animatronics! I thought I destroyed those fuckers!

Nun: This is a stick up!

Kevin: Why are you nuns doing this? Aren't you all supposed to be peaceful!

Nun: We want revenge on Gina Jabowski for killing Sister Tina!

Gina: You all want a piece of mama! Come and get it!

The Nuns started moving in on Gina. The animatronics were coming in her direction too.

Nuns: Eat lead you psycho bitch!

Kevin: They want to get back at Gina for killing that nun who put Sprite in her water cup!

Nuns: However did you guess, sonny boy?

The nuns start shooting at Gina. However Gina is able to dodge the bullets Matrix style. Gina grabs all the animatronics and throws them at the nuns, some of the nuns get crushed. Then more nuns came to try to kill Gina.

Bullet: Wow! I don't know who to root for, Gina or those nuns!

Randall: You're right, Bullet. Those nuns are kick ass!

Gina kicks, punches, uses a taser, twists their breasts, and even tears off their limbs until all the nuns are broken, beaten and dying on the floor. To finish off the nuns, Gina had taken pieces of the broken animatronics and stabbed them all in the heart.

Kevin: Wow Gina! You'd make an awesome vampire slayer!

Randall: That much is true! That was good enough for Horror Of Dracula.

Gina: One question though?

Bullet: What's that?

Gina: Why didn't you twat waffles do anything?!

Kevin: We thought it needed a woman's touch.

Stanley: Yeah that's it.

Bullet: We didn't feel right, you know going after a bunch of women!

Gina: That's cool I guess. I am just so explosively exasperated without Dusty around!

Kevin: (giggles): It shows! You're twice as violent as before!

Randall: Yeah we fired Dusty! So fucking what! Look how great we're doing now!

Bullet: Come to think about it. I kind of miss him to be honest.

Stanley: I miss his man child charm.

Gina: Who am I going to lust after now? Kevin? Stanley?

Kevin: Big mistake firing Dusty Dad. We all miss him, can't you see that? Please hire him back!

Randall: NO! Without him we're better. Do I have to say it again?

Kevin: Whatever you say, Dad. Let's just move onto the next mission.

Gina: All right! No more Dusty. Where to go next?

The Paradise PD go back in their squad car and go onto their next escapade!

Scene 9:

At Die Alone Comics, Hobo Cop gets his first costumers. Robbie and Delbert.

Hobo Cop: Hello, welcome to Die Alone Comics. How can I help you today?

Robbie: Yeah, you got the latest issue of Vampire Boy Band?

Delbert: That comic is a popular commodity!

Hobo Cop (checking the computer): Sorry. It hasn't come in yet.

Robbie: WWHHAATT! You can't do that to us!

Delbert: Yeah, we've been waiting all mother fucking month for the new issue of Vampire Boy Band!

Hobo Cop: Ummm, let me check with the manager!

As Hobo Cop runs upstairs to talk to Dusty about the lack of Vampire Boy Band comic books, then more costumers come inside the store to look for the latest issues.


Hobo Cop: There's something different about you!

Dusty: NEVER MIND THAT! WHAT'S THE ISSUE! (gives himself a manicure)

Hobo Cop: The latest issue of Vampire Boy Band isn't in!


Hobo Cop: Right boss!


Running down to the comic book store, Hobo Cop stresses out as he sees more customers complain that the latest issue of Vampire Boy Band wasn't there.


Camaro Bob: That's what I'd like to know, baby!

Hobo Cop: Patience people! Patience! I'll try to see if I can order a shipment!

Robbie: Hurry the fuck up already!

Delbert: Yeah, we ain't got all fucking day!

When more people like Anton, Preacher Paul and even Mayor Karen come into the Die Alone Comics. Hobo Cop's stress levels are now at an all time high!




Scene 10:

The Annual Labor Day Backyard barbecue hosted by Gerald Fitzgerald the Kingpin of Paradise. Has grilled all the hamburgers. Brett DeMarco serves them to Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, Zeta, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth. They all begin to eat the hamburgers, that was until Fitz decides to give a speech.

Fitz: Wait! Wait! Everyone! Before we eat. I want to give you all a speech about the history of Labor Day.

Brett DeMarco: Dammit! Are you ever going to eat?

Frank Flipperfist: I know right!

Fitz: Labor Day! What does it mean to us?

Brett DeMarco rolls his eyes.

Pat Robertson: We need to be patient! This is God's will.

Fitz: To answer that question, we must go back to earlier times.....

Pedro Pooptooth: We're all hungry here, putos!

Frank Flipperfist: Does this speech have an end!

Zeta: Listen to Daddy Fitz! He's important!

Fitz: Thank you, Zeta. Anyway....

An hour had passed and Fitz still continued his speech.

Fitz: The caveman did all the work, while the cave minions sat around, smoked, and got fat and watched Narcos....

Russian Mobster began to sink his head into his hands. Pat Robertson just prayed, Frank and Pedro glared at Fitz with contempt. Brett DeMarco gets a knife and considers slitting Fitz's throat.

Fitz:....then in 1492, Columbus discovered America....and the minions STILL DID NOTHING!

Russian Mobster: Great speech, Fitz. Can we please eat now?

Fitz: ...and that's what Labor Day means to me!

Brett DeMarco: Can we eat now?!

Fitz: Not quite just yet, now we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance! Pat Robertson! Take it away!

Pat Robertson: I pledge allegiance to the flag to the United States Of America....(sings) Amazing Grace! How Sweet The Sound.....

When Pat Robertson was done, the Legion of DOOOOM, finally got to eat their hamburgers.

Brett DeMarco: Wow! Guess this was worth the wait.

Zeta: These hamburgers are amazing, Daddy Fitz!

Frank Flipperfist: Yes they are!

Pedro Pooptooth: Was that speech and everything else really necessary?

Fitz: Forget that! (bumps his foot) What in the hell.....(walks over to Brett) So how's your burger?

What Fitz didn't know was he had his foot caught in the urn.

Brett DeMarco: I hate to admit it, but this is the best burger I've ever had! What's your secret?

Fitz: Well, I sneak over to the nudie bar a couple times a month in order to make it though life.

Brett DeMarco: No I meant about your burgers.

Fitz (getting up): Well, I use some herbs, spices, sauce, and....(trips) What the hell!

Zeta: You okay, Daddy Fitz?

Fitz: I'm fine and...(sees the urn)

Frank Flipperfist: Oh shit we're fucked!

Pedro Pooptooth: Yeah he's going to find out about the ashes!

Fitz: Who the hell got this urn?

Zeta: Isn't that the urn for your Grandpa's ashes, Daddy Fitz?

Fitz: Why so it is!

Pat Robertson: Oh no! Does this mean we were eating the ashes of your grandfather?

Frank Flipperfist spits out the burger as does Pedro Pooptooth.

Fitz: A-ha! It was you two!

Frank Flipperfist: You were the one who told us to get ashes for your grill.

Pedro Pooptooth: We must confess puto. You see, after we broke into Unregistered Earl's house, we only found small amounts of ash...

Frank Flipperfist: Then we went over to your old place and found this urn and that's when we struck gold....

Fitz: You sons of bitches! You made us all eat my dead Grandpa!!!!

Frank and Pedro (together): YIKES!!!!!!

Fitz takes the urn off his foot, then he begins to chase Frank and Pedro all throughout the backyard.

Pat Robertson: Oh come on! Please don't resort to violence! That's Satan's solution! Be like Jesus and forgive them!

The grill begins to start a fire. Only Brett DeMarco and Zeta notice it. When Fitz caught up to Frank and Pedro he began to strangle both of them.

Zeta (sees the fire): DADDY FITZ! DADDY FITZ!

Brett DeMarco: Fitz! Stop beating up Pedro and Frank and take a look at this...

Fitz releases Frank and Pedro from his grasp and runs over to Zeta and Brett DeMarco.

Zeta: The grill is on fire!


Trying everything he can to put out the fire, the smoke from the fire begins to fill the sky in a wheel shaped cloud.

Fitz: Now look what you mother fuckers did!

Brett DeMarco: Talk about Wheel In The Sky Keeps On Turning!

Frank Flipperfist: Don't fire us!

Pedro Pooptooth: We had no idea it was an urn!

Fitz: That's no excuse! Help me put out this fire!

Brett DeMarco: Stand back, I'll handle this!

Getting a fire extinguisher, Brett DeMarco is the one who puts out the fire.

Fitz (to Frank and Pedro): Thank you, Brett! Hope you're proud of yourselves. If the Paradise PD finds out about this......

Pedro Pooptooth: How can we be proud of ourselves....

Frank Flipperfist: Let's hope they don't..(sees Fitz glare at them) comes the ultimatum!

Brett DeMarco: You better hope those Paradise PD assholes don't trace that smoke back to us! Or tell them what will happen, Fitz!

Fitz: You both will be going down for all my crimes, understood!

Frank and Pedro: Understood!

Scene 11:

About to enter the Paradise PD Headquarters, Randall congratulates his team of police.

Randall: I couldn't say this better myself! Because of us firing Dusty....

Kevin: Yes, he was the weakest link according to you.....

Randall: We've become a better police precinct!

Bullet: Why do I have this feeling that we'll need Dusty soon?

Stanley: Dusty was good for nothing! Chubby Checker would've made a better cop than him!

The black cloud of smoke still in the shape of a wheel soon covered the sun and sky.

Gina: Anybody notice that black smoke over our heads?

Randall, Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, and Gina all looked up at the sky at the black smoke.

Bullet: Oh no! It's Vermin Man! From the movie Constantine!

Randall: No it isn't! How high can you get Bullet!

Gina: It looks like that black cloud is smoke from ashes!

Kevin: Gina, you're right.

Bullet: I knew it would come down to this, but there's only one person we know who can get rid of that ashy smoke!

Stanley: Commissioner Gordon?

Bullet: Keanu Reeves?

Kevin: No, you guys. I think he means Dusty!

Bullet: I knew that I was making a joke.

Gina: See? We do need him! Firing him was a HUGE mistake!

Randall: Okay! We'll rehire Dusty. First, you Kevin, Gina, and Bullet. Go find out where he is!

Kevin: Yes Dad!

The roof from the Die Alone Comics blew off then went back onto the comic book store building. Then Kevin, Stanley, Randall, Gina, and Bullet all hear Dusty screaming.

Gina: That's Dusty all right!

Kevin: He must be at the comic book store.

Bullet: We have no time to lose!

Gina: Hold on, Dusty! Mama's comin'!

Kevin, Bullet, and Gina all ran to the Die Alone Comics.

Scene 12:

Hobo Cop was in over his head at the Die Alone Comics. Almost everyone in the town of Paradise was screaming at him for the latest Vampire Boy Band Comic Book.

Karen: Well, hand it over! Where is the fucking comic book!

Anton: Jah! I need to get my Vampire Boy Band fix!

Camaro Bob: What's the hold up, baby?

Chick Ridley: Is the comic book coming or not?!

Hobo Cop: Uhh, uhh...

Robbie: Bring us that Vampire Boy Band comic book!

Delbert: Can't you see how desperate we are!

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (running upstairs): Coming boss!

Running upstairs to the office where Dusty was presiding, Hobo Cop tries to talk to Dusty.


Hobo Cop (running downstairs): Yes Boss!

The crowd was still yelling at Hobo Cop once he came back into the comic book room. Dusty calls him once more.

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (Running upstairs): Coming Boss!


Hobo Cop: I AM!




Hobo Cop (running downstairs): Yes Boss!

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (Running upstairs): Coming Boss!

Dusty: GET OUT!

Hobo Cop (running downstairs): Yes Boss!

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (Running upstairs): Coming Boss!

Dusty: GET OUT!

Hobo Cop (running downstairs): Yes Boss!

It was then Hobo Cop decides to tell the truth about the Vampire Boy Band comics not being available yet.

Hobo Cop: Excuse me people, settle down and....

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (Running upstairs): Coming Boss!

Dusty: HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop (Running upstairs): Coming Boss!

Dusty: GET OUT!

Hobo Cop (running downstairs): Yes Boss!

Once Hobo Cop reached the end of the stairs, Anton, Karen, Camaro Bob, and Chick Ridley all began to beat him severely. Dusty still calls for Hobo Cop.

Dusty: HOBO COP! HOBO COP! HOBO COP! (presses button) Come in Hobo Cop!

Struggling to go upstairs despite being beaten violently, Hobo Cop reaches Dusty in the office.

Dusty: I want to see you in my office immediately!

Hobo Cop: Yes boss.

Entering the office Dusty had taken over. Hobo Cop makes himself present.

Dusty: Supply and Demand, Hobo Cop. Supply and Demand. People demand Vampire Boy Band comics, and we supply them. If you Hobo Cop, can't supply Vampire Boy Band, the system breaks down.

Hobo Cop: Oh I get it. Like Greed Works?

Dusty: No not like in Wall Street. I'm asking you if you follow me, Hobo Cop!

Hobo Cop: Yes I do.

Dusty: If the system breaks down, I don't make a profit! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Hobo Cop: Uhhh, sort of....

Dusty (turns around in his chair) YOU'RE FIRED!

Hobo Cop screams as Dusty's yell sends him flying out of Die Alone Comics. Kevin, Gina, and Bullet all see Camaro Bob, Chick Ridley, Robbie, Delbert, Karen, and Anton all walk out of the Die Alone Comics for the worse for wear.

Scene 13:

Kevin, Gina, and Bullet were about to enter Paradise Comics only to see Hobo Cop looking all wasted

Bullet: Hobo Cop?

Gina: What the fuck happened to you?

Hobo Cop: It was Patton, he read my book!

Kevin: Do you know if Dusty is here?

Hobo Cop: Oh sorry guess I must've zoned out there for a minute. Yes he is.

Bullet: Where can we find him?

Hobo Cop: He's upstairs in the office on the left.

Gina: Thank you. Come on, guys!

Kevin, Gina, and Bullet all race up to the comic book office and they find Dusty.

Gina: Dusty! There you are!

Dusty: How did you find me?

Bullet: We heard you yell so loud the whole roof flew up in the air.

Dusty: What do you guys want?! Can't you see I'm trying to run a comic book store, here?

Kevin: There's a reason why we came.

Dusty: WHAT IS IT!

Gina: There's a black cloud of ash that's covering the sky.

Kevin: Yes, and you're the only one who knows how to get rid of ash clouds.

Bullet: Randall promises he'll hire you back if you clean out the ash cloud.

Dusty: NO! The deal is off!

Gina: Please Dusty! The lives of the townspeople of Paradise are going to have their lungs filled with ash!

Kevin: There seems to be something controlling him....

Dusty: Are you going to buy some comics? If not, I suggest you leave!

Gina sees the button on the chair that possessed Dusty and presses it. In no time at all, Dusty was back to normal.

Dusty: Holy smokes! What the hell am I doing here in the office? I don't even remember.

Kevin: Good you're back to normal.

Bullet: Like we were saying before, there's a black cloud of ash in the sky.

Gina: Look out the window if you don't believe us.

Now that he's come back to his senses, Dusty looks out the window and he sees that there was indeed a black ash cloud.

Dusty: By golly, you guys are right! Time for me to bring out the big guns!

Bullet: Yes! We got our Dusty back!

Gina: GO kick that cloud in the ass!

Kevin: We missed you! It wasn't the same without out!

Dusty runs out of Die Alone Comics as did Kevin, Bullet, and Gina.

Scene 14 (Conclusion):

Dusty was now outside the Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was there.

Randall: Dusty! I am so sorry I fired you earlier. Nobody can shut up about how much they missed you.

Dusty: I'm aware of the black cloud. Kevin, Gina, and Bullet told me.

Randall: However. If you want your job back. Since you're the only one who knows how to clean out this black ash cloud, get rid of that fucking cloud at once!

Song: Blur's Song 2 plays.


Stanley: He won't make it!

Kevin, Bullet, Gina, Randall, and Stanley all watch as Dusty tries to clear the black smoke cloud. Dusty was running to his house. Then coming out, Dusty brings with him 100 Clean Air Filters.

Bullet: Never seen someone with so many air filters.

Randall: I bet he even has a Glade Plug In.


Kevin: You sure love him, don't you? I wish you loved me the way you love him.

Dusty turns on all the clean air filters at random. The air filters begin to suck in the black ash cloud.

Bullet: It's working you guys! (chanting) SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

The black ash cloud was slowly being sucked into all the air filters.

Dusty: I knew my OCD compulsion to collect air filters will pay off someday.

Randall: Yes! You're doing it Dusty! You're doing it!

Song Ends

Soon the black cloud was gone. Randall, Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Kevin cheered. Dusty was the hero of the day.

Randall (shakes Dusty's hand): Great job, Dusty!

Kevin: You were awesome back there!

Randall: You got a lot of guts!

Dusty: Yeah you could say that! (laughs)

Randall: You deserve to be back on the force!

Dusty: Wow, thank you so much for this honor, Randall.

Gina: Before we reinstate you, how about a victory kiss!

Dusty: Nah, maybe later.

Gina: Oh come on! You are sexy when you're heroic!

Dusty: OKay! Just this once!

Gina and Dusty share a kiss.

Bullet: Gosh I hate mushy moments like this! If anyone needs me I'll be in the evidence room to erase my eyes of that!

Dusty was soon back with the Paradise PD.

Kevin: Ready to help us solve crimes with us again!

Dusty: You bet!

Stanley: But first....

Randall: What now, Stanley?

Stanley: Where did that smoke even come from anyway?

Randall: Who cares it's gone!

The Paradise PD celebrates Dusty coming back to the force. What of Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and the Legion of DOOOOM? Well, here's what happened to them....

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, and Zeta all run out of the limo. Pedro Pooptooth and Frank Flipperfist were forced to stay in the trunk of the limo as a punishment for using the ashes of Fitz's Grandpa.

Pat Robertson: The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways!

Pedro Pooptooth: Can we come out of this trunk now, putos?

Frank Flipperfist: We learned our lesson, honest!

Fitz (Runs back and pounds trunk) SHUT THE FUCK UP IN THERE! (runs to join the others)

Russian Mobster: I'm glad we found this house. It was only 1...2...3! 3 blocks away! HA HA HA!

Fitz: Since our usual Labor Day tradition failed...

Brett DeMarco: We found a new one.

Zeta: Got the pie ready.

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Russian Mobster all were at the front door of a house. Fitz rings the doorbell. A Man answers in an apron and a spatula.

Man: Can I help you, people.

Brett DeMarco: Yes, hi!

Pat Robertson: Greetings!

Fitz: We used to live here!

Man: Oh cool! We're having a barbecue! Come on out back!

Fitz: YES!

Zeta: It worked, Daddy Fitz!

Brett DeMarco: They actually fell for it. Believing we are former residents!

Fitz: From now on, we'll just go to someone else's house for a Labor Day barbecue!

Zeta: Can we do this on Memorial Day and Fourth of July too?!

Fitz: From now on, that's what its going to be!

In closing, Fitz got to have his Labor Day barbecue after all. As Pat Robertson, Russian Mobster, Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco all had a good time at someone else's Labor Day barbecue!

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