Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
The Magnificent Paradise PD
0 reviewsRandall uses cowboy training to make better officers out of Kevin, Dusty and Stanley.
0Unrated
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title:
The Magnificent Paradise PD
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Bullet, Randall, and Gina all enter the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Thank you for coming with me to the Prison Auction you guys.
Gina: I wouldn't have missed it for the world! (takes out some oversized underwear) Besides, I got the best prize of all! (sniffs the underwear then sighs contentedly)
Randall: Bet you can't wait to get Dusty to try on those XXXXL sized men's underwear!
Bullet: Glad you guys won some things to be proud of. The only thing I got was this stupid shirt!
The shirt Bullet had on reads, "I WENT TO A PRISON AUCTION AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS FUCKING STUPID SHIRT!"
Randall: I won something, but nobody told me what it was or when it was going to come.
Gina: It's fun to confiscate stuff from criminals then sell their stuff at auction!
Bullet: Yeah, that's true. Just wished I would've been given a crack pipe or even some porn magazines!
Randall notices Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley aren't around.
Bullet: Has anyone seen Kevin or Dusty?
Randall: Yeah, you're right, Bullet! I don't even see Stanley.
Gina: There's barely even a Stanley, anyway!
Bullet then hears some people talking outside the Paradise PD Headquarters building. The voices sounded like Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley.
Dusty: OKay....from the top.
Stanley: And a one and a two and a....
Randall, Gina, and Bullet all step outside to see Kevin in a Peter Pan outfit, sword fighting with Hobo Cop (who dressed as Captain Hook) with Dusty and Stanley by his side.
Bullet: What the fuck is this shit? The Neighborhood of Make Believe if it had been created by Tim Burton?
Gina: It looks like a Sesame Street music video directed by Spike Jonze to me.
Kevin: Ah Hoy! Captain Hook! I'm about to feed you to the sharks!
Dusty: Great job, Kevin! Keep up with that momentum!
Randall: Stop what you're doing NOW!
Stanley: Oh hey, Randall!
Randall: We need to be doing police work and instead you're rehearsing a version of Sinbad The Sailor that looks like it was directed by John Waters!
Stanley: John Waters! He had some good flake back in the 1970's!
Dusty: It's nothing like that, Randall!
Gina: What the hell are you doing then?
Kevin (walks up to Randall): Hey Dad! I know you're going to ask about this.
Randall: I demand an answer for this bullshit!
Kevin: And you deserve one. Anyway, remember when Mom had that Broadway Theater opened downtown because she thought this town can use more culture?
Randall: Yes I do. Sounds like something your mother would do.
Kevin: Dusty and Stanley here are helping me rehearse for a play I am trying out for.
Dusty: That's right, I am Kevin's (dramatic voice) acting coach!
Stanley: Since you mentioned Sinbad earlier I stalked Douglas Fairbanks in Maureen O'Hara's dressing room once.
Randall: Fine, I'll bite. What's this play you're doing?
Kevin: Peter Pan! And guess who the theater people picked to play Peter Pan!
Hobo Cop: And I'm Dr. Hook And The Medicine Show!
Dusty: It's Captain Hook you fucking dumbass!
Hobo Cop: Sorry, I always get those two confused.
Randall: Holy shit! My son is an actor?! And of all the characters it had to be Peter Pan?!?! Now I know how Neil Perry's father felt in Dead Poet's Society.
Kevin: Does this mean you're proud?
Gina: No you fucking half-wit! It means he's disappointed in you!
Bullet: Should we force them to stop this?
Randall: Nah, let them go for now.
Bullet: Come on, let's wait to see what you've won at the Prison Auction.
Gina: Let these little babies play pretend!
As Randall, Gina, and Bullet were about to go back inside Paradise PD Headquarters. Dusty goes back to helping Kevin with the play.
Dusty: Well, pardon that interruption! Let's get back to business!
Stanley: From the top once more....
Kevin: A-ha! Captain Hook! You won't win this one! I'm taking Wendy and the Lost Boys back with me to Neverland.
Hobo Cop: Uhhhh, line?
Scene 2:
A semi truck was driving down the street and stopped at the Paradise PD Headquarters. The driver comes out and has Randall sign a paper.
Driver: Sign here, please.
Randall: Sure, here's my John Hancock.
Gina: Why are you here?
Bullet: Hey, Randall! This could be that prize you won at the Prison Auction.
Driver: And so it is.....
Gina: What did he win?
Randall: Must be really important!
The truck driver opens the end of the semi truck and out comes 100 cattle.
Randall: CATTLE! THAT WAS WHAT I WON? CATTLE?
Bullet: Not too late to open a Chipolte!
Gina: We can sell them for bug bucks on Craig's List if you want.
Driver (goes back in the semi truck): Enjoy your Auction Winning. Have a nice day.
Soon the cattle were surrounding the street area. At first Randall was flabbergasted. Then he gets an idea.
Randall: I know exactly what we will do with this cattle!
Bullet: Have a cocaine orgy with them? I'll take them.
Randall: NO! Not that stupid ass shit! I think we should do a Cattle Drive!
Gina: Hmmm, think you're onto something there, Randall. We can be like those cowboys from the Old West.
Randall: Exactly! We can use these Cattle and do the Cattle drive to toughen up Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley!
Watching from a distance, Kevin, Hobo Cop, Stanley, and Dusty were rehearsing the Peter Pan play. That's when Randall decides it's time to make rough and tumble cowboys out of Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty.
Bullet: That's awesome Randall! That way they can't play their little toddler games anymore!
Gina: Or audition for any more plays about kiddie fairy tales.
Randall: Let's face it. Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty are total fucking wimps.
Bullet: You're telling me. They're like the weakest link in the Paradise PD.
Randall: Right! Now this is what we're going to do. Gina, come with me.
Gina: What would you like me to do?
Randall: Come over to my house and help me turn it into a Cattle Ranch.
Gina: Got it!
Randall: Bullet, you go to City Hall and tell that mayor ex-wife of mine to close down the town for a few days,
Bullet: Sure, I can do that! We don't want the town open if we're going to do a Cattle Drive.
Randall (looking into the sky): Well, now is the time to turn Kevin into a real man! I'll turn him into modern day Bronco Billy Anderson!
Scene 3:
A screen was showing Bullet walk to City Hall. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were inside the Dippin' Dots Building spying on the Paradise PD.
Fitz: So, the Paradise PD wants to do a cattle drive, do they?
Brett DeMarco: Yes and what luck! That asshole Bullet is going to City Hall to talk to Mayor Karen to shut down the town.
Fitz: Precisely, Brett. When the town goes into shutdown, we can move ahead with our ultimate plan!
Brett DeMarco: You've been talking about this huge plan of yours. Think you should let me in on it.
Fitz: You deserve to know. Come with me.
Brett DeMarco follows Fitz into a mechanics room. Inside, Frank Flipperfist, Jerry, Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos, Puffy The Cigarette, and Russian Mobster were inside looking like they were building robots.
Fitz: How's the project coming along?
Frank Flipperfist: Almost finished! And to think my dolphin fins can actually build something technological!
Jerry: BBRRRWWAAAAHHH.
Pedro Pooptooth: Give It Just A Little More Time, Puto!
Brett DeMarco: Fuck! Thanks a lot for putting that shitty ass song in my head!
Fitz: How many of these are done?
Russian Mobster: I'll count in the 100s. So far we have 100...200....300....400....500! 500 Robot Clones! HA HA HA!
Zeta (runs to the mechanics room): Wow Daddy Fitz. Is it really almost done!
Fitz: Yes it is, sweetheart! Brett and Zeta. You both are about to witness the one thing that can wipe the town of Paradise right off the map for good.
Brett DeMarco: What shall that be?
A bunch of Robot Clones of Fitz and Brett DeMarco march out of the mechanics room.
Zeta: All those robots look like you and Uncle Brett.
Fitz: Yes, that's the whole idea! With these Robot Clones on our side, the Paradise PD will be singing "Baby What A Big Surprise!" (evil laughter)
Scene 4:
On Local TV to announce some big news, Karen Crawford makes a speech.
Karen: Sorry to put a damper on some weekend plans. My husband Randall Crawford who's a police chief wants the town to be shut down so he can do a Cattle Drive on some fellow police officers to make them better than before. Our town will be back up and running on Monday!
Before she knew it, Karen was hit with a blow dart and is taken away.
Kevin was in his bedroom, sleeping. That was until Randall woke him up. Randall was dressed in a cowboy outfit and had a triangle bell.
Randall (ringing the triangle bell): Get up! Top of the morning to you!
Kevin: Dad?! what the hell.
Randall: Rise and shine! Time to get up!
Kevin: Oh good. I'm glad you got me up. I'm supposed to be at the Paradise Broadway Theater anyway.
Randall: Nonsense! You're not going to be in any plays! The only plays you're going to be in are the ones that I produce! Like what I'm about to show you right now!
Kevin: What do you mean? Why are you dressed as a cowboy?
Randall: Why, this old getup? This is what James Garner wore in Support Your Local Gunfighter! Come outside, son!
Kevin follows Randall outside only to see Randall's house was turned into a Cattle Ranch complete with the 100 Cattle he won at the Prison Auction. Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Bullet were all there too.
Dusty: Hey, Kevin! Gina wanted me to come here for some reason.
Stanley: A Cattle Barn hey?
Bullet: Yep sure is, buddy!
Kevin: Please let me go to the Paradise Broadway Theater! I don't want to do this!
Randall: Too fucking bad, son! Playing Peter Pan in a poorly budgeted play isn't going to get you laid! But being a cowboy sure will!
Dusty: Cowboy? You didn't say anything about cowboys? Oooh! Can we be the Wild West Cowboys of Moo Mesa?!
Randall: This is why I brought you all here. (points to Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty) Especially you three. You all have no choice but to stay here. This weekend is going to be jammed packed to the max with Cowboy tropes, cliches, and all that other good Old West shit!
Gina: I helped build this Cattle Ranch!
Bullet: Right Randall. You see, Gina, Randall, and I were talking about what wimps you all are. So we decided to make you real men by becoming cowboys! In other words, We're Gonna PUMP (slaps hands) You Up!
Randall: I don't think that Hanz and Franz reference works in a cowboy setting. Anyway, back to you three pussbugs! First we learn how to lasso!
Gina hands Dusty, Stanley, and Kevin some ropes to lasso.
Kevin: Know what! I'm not doing this!
Stanley: Last time I lassoed somebody it was Tom Mix.
Dusty: Me neither! Saturdays are my days to go to Goopy Goobers to take part in the Strawberry Saturday Pancake event!
When Dusty, Kevin, and Stanley were about to leave, Randall lassos them all back.
Bullet: Ha! Nice try, assholes! Mayor Karen locked down the whole town so we can strengthen your pudgy asses!
Kevin: Well, looks like we're going to be cowboys this weekend.
Randall: I'm glad you gave into this Kevin!
Dusty: I don't wanna do this! Not on Strawberry Saturday Pancake Day!
Gina: There's always next Saturday for that!
Randall: Sorry to tell you this, but The Old West knows no Saturday!
Dusty: Okay fine!
Stanley: I'm willing to do this! What would you like us to do first?
Randall: Lassoing!
Bullet: We said that a while ago!
Song: Thin Lizzy's Cowboy Song Plays
Randall had Kevin and Dusty do some lassoing. They used Stanley for lasso practice. Kevin and Dusty kept missing. Gina kept yelling at them to get better.
Gina: What the fuck was that? You call that lassoing? Get all Fifty Shades of Grey on that eldery twat waffle!
Stanley: Come on losers! Tie me Up!
Dusty uses the lasso and succeeds in lassoing Stanley, Kevin keeps missing.
Randall: Great job, Dusty.
Dusty: YEAH YEAH YEAH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! (dances around)
Randall: But, Kevin. I'm sorry to say that you suck!
Dusty: Yeah, Kevin! You wouldn't know how to lasso on a cowpoke!
Kevin: If you had let me be in that play, none of this would've happened.
Randall: Yeah, and I wouldn't have to do this to you if you had been more of a tougher cop!
Gina: Now, let's see how you guys are at guns!
Randall puts some crack pipes on a fence.
Bullet: Time to master the art of sharp shooting!
Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley all shoot at the crack pipes. Dusty and Stanley keep missing. The force of the gun Stanley was using caused him to fall over backwards. As it turns out, Kevin was the best at sharpshooting.
Gina: Wow, Kevin! That was awesome!
Bullet: Yeah, John Voight would be proud!
Kevin: Why thanks. I can get used to this!
Randall: John Voight?
Bullet: He was in Midnight Cowboy wasn't he?
Randall: That wasn't a real western so that doesn't count.
Stanley: How did I do? Did I do good?
Song Ends
Scene 5:
Randall, Gina, and Bullet were now going to teach Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley to go camping.
Gina: Pay attention pussies! Just like real cowboys we have to build a fire.
Randall: That's correct. The more wood and fire you get. The more you get to eat. Grab your sleeping bags! For that real Western experience!
Kevin had a Dungeons and Dragons sleeping bag. Dusty had a Wall Eyed Wally sleeping bag. Stanley had a Marx Brothers sleeping bag. Bullet was embarrassed, as was Gina and Randall.
Gina (giggles to herself): Some sleeping bags!
Bullet: Man if Lee Van Cleef were to see you guys he would castrate himself.
Dusty: Uhhh, what makes you say that, Bullet?
Bullet (scoffs): Never mind!
Stanley: I met him on the set of Death Rides A Horse. I thought I was fucking him, but it was really the horse from the movie I fucked!
Randall and Gina show Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley how to build a campfire.
Gina: See? Nothing to it! All you need is to rub these two sticks.
Randall: Like Minnesota Clay!
Bullet: Now we're going to cook! Chuck Wagon style!
Kevin, Stanley and Dusty all sneak into Randall's house.
Gina: You guys are paying attention, right?
Bullet: Yeah, they seem awful quiet.
Randall (sees Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley are gone): What the fuck! They bailed on us!
Stomping inside the Crawford family home, Randall sees Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley watching TV.
Randall: HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA! GET YOUR ASSES BACK OUT ON THE RANCH!
Stanley: I realized Cowboy isn't my style! But Reverse Cowgirl is!
Dusty: We're doing what we like!
Kevin: Yeah, we're watching August Osage County on Hulu!
Randall: WHAT?! NO! NO! NO! This won't do! If you guys want to be real men. We never do what we like! We have wives and kids that keep us from it.
Dusty: Awwww, man!
Randall: Get back out there!
Kevin: You win, Dad! You always win!
Gina and Bullet were stirring a pot.
Bullet: You're in time for dinner.
Dusty: Oh boy! What're we having! Chicken and Dumplings?
Gina: Nope, beans!
Kevin: I could go for some!
Dusty: Beans? Why does it have to be a stupid vegetable.
Randall: You have to eat healthy if you want to be a cowboy!
Bullet, Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Randall, and Stanley all ate the beans, then Stanley let out a big fart as did Dusty! Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Kevin collapsed at the smell.
Dusty: Hope you guys aren't offended by my farting!
Stanley: This was the best smelling fart since the bomb on Hiroshima!
Scene 6:
After the whole camping out fiasco was over. Randall, Gina, and Bullet all give Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty some canteens and branding sticks. Dusty filled the canteens with water, and filled one with whiskey that he gave to Randall.
Randall: You filled up the canteens and gave one to me. Good!
Kevin: Is it time for the Cattle Drive yet.
Randall: Just about. We still have that fire.
Gina: What you guys are going to do is put those branding sticks in the fire and brand those Cattle!
Dusty: Okay. This shouldn't be so hard!
Song: Boys Don't Cry I Want To Be A Cowboy plays.
Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley all put their branding sticks in the fire, and began to brand the cattle. Kevin and Dusty did brand some cattle only to have the cattle kick them sideways with their back legs. Stanley was really enjoying branding the cattle. He was the best at it. Dusty soon then found himself being branded by Gina, but he laughed it off. Once the Cattle Branding lesson was done, Randall noticed only 99 of the Cattle were branded.
Randall: Anyone noticed there's one cattle missing.
Gina: Yeah you're right! There should be another one.
Kevin (finding some cattle prints): Think it leads to that garage you turned into a barn, Dad.
Stanley: Let's follow those tracks.
Kevin, Gina, Stanley, Randall and Dusty all follow the tracks that lead to the garage. Opening the garage, much to their horror Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Stanley, and Randall all witness Bullet having sex with one of the cattle.
Bullet (seductively): Ooooh! You're a great fuck! Bet you say that to all the German Shepherds!
Randall: GOD FUCK IT, BULLET! Get out of there, now!
Bullet: HEY! THIS IS PRIVATE! (tries to close the garage door)
Opening it back up, Randall drags Bullet by the ears.
Bullet: YAHH! YAHH! YAHH! YAHH! YAHH!
Randall: Having sexual relations with a cattle, are we? What would Burt Lancaster from Ulzana's Raid say?
Gina: Forget it! How about we go on the Cattle Drive.
Randall: OKay. I'll let you go for this time. Everyone, grab a cattle to ride it.
Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Bullet, Stanley, and Randall all ride some cattle and all the other cattle even the one Bullet had sex with were now all walking down the streets of Paradise. Randall was playing the Bonanza theme on his banjo.
Song ends.
Kevin: Hey, Dad quick question here!
Randall: What is it, Kevin?!
Kevin: Where exactly are we taking these cattle?
Randall: Why to the slaughterhouse of course!
Dusty: Slaughterhouse?!?!?! OH NO! SAY IT AIN'T SO!
Gina: That's a song from the band Weezer!
Dusty: I was just getting used to these cattle!
Randall: Well, people gotta eat do they? Old McDonald's farm is miles ahead and....
Drinking from his canteen, which he didn't know was full of alcohol. Thinking it was sparkling water, Randall sees a stagecoach running out of control. It was Robbie and Delbert.
Robbie: YEE HA! YEE HA! YEE HA!
Delbert: HEE HAW! HEE HAW! HEE HAW!
Stanley: What the fuck is going on?!
The stagecoach stopped, it only had one horse. Robbie and Delbert were inside and greeted the Paradise PD.
Robbie: We heard you guys were having a Cattle Drive! Can we join you?
Bullet: That depends. What's your price?
Delbert: We watched City Slickers yesterday and we could not help but get inspired!
Randall: OH NO! We are not letting you come with us.
Gina: Come on, Randall. I think we should take them with us.
Bullet: If you insist.
Randall: I'll allow. Hope you know what you're doing.
Gina gets off her from cattle, she unhinged the horse from Robbie's and Delbert's stagecoach.
Robbie: What's the big idea?
Delbert: Why did you let our horse go?
Gina: Want to come with us do you?
Robbie: Yeah we do!
Delbert: More than anything.
Gina: Close your eyes and stay inside the stagecoach.
Robbie and Delbert (together with their eyes closed): OKay.
Gina picks up the stagecoach using her superhuman strength. Gina throws the stagecoach far into the sky sending Robbie and Delbert flying.
Robbie and Delbert: !!!
Randall: Thank you Gina!
Gina: My pleasure.
The Cattle Drive goes on. That was until the Paradise PD saw Carbortion Rex blocking their path.
Carbortion Rex: Well, well, well what do we have here!
Randall: FUCK! It's Carbortion Rex!
Bullet: Cheese it!
Dusty (hands Bullet a box of Cheez Its) I have some!
Randall: NO! NOT THAT YOU IDIOT! What do you want, Carbortion Rex!
Carbortion Rex: I'm all ready to run all of you over, Paradise PD!
Gina: We don't think so! Kevin, Dusty, Stanley! Show this mechanical twat waffle what you got!
Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty shudder in fear.
Carbortion Rex: I've come for Kevin Dusty, and Stanley! First I will run over Stanley and hose his flattened body off the streets. Then I will give Kevin a handjob and tear off his penis! As for Dusty, I will rape him 100 times over until he is anorexically skinny! (laughs evilly)
Bullet: WHAT?! SERIOUSLY! Why not put those Old West skills we taught you into good use?
Stanley: Didn't you hear, he wants to brutalize us!
Kevin (shuddering): allll rrriiiigggghhhttt!
Dusty (shuddering): hheeerreee gggoooesss nnnooottthhhiiinnngggg!
Kevin used the gun to shoot Carbortion Rex. Stanley used the branding stick, Dusty used the lasso.
Carbortion Rex: HA! YOU THINK THAT CAN STOP ME! IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT!
Bullet gets angry and throws his canteen at Carbotion Rex sending it flying.
Carbortion Rex: See you in the seventh layer of hell!
Gina: Where did you learn to throw like that?
Bullet: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
Randall: You're more of a cowboy than they are! (points to Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty)
Kevin: Enough of the insults.
Gina: Yeah, we'll get this cattle to the slaughterhouse now.
Randall: Now you're talking!
Scene 7:
At the Dippin' Dots Building. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were watching the Paradise PD do their cattle drive around town on their viewscreen.
Fitz: (chortles): If they only knew what would be coming their way.
Brett DeMarco: No shit! They haven't the slightest clue!
Zeta was in her room playing video games. Fitz and Brett DeMarco opened a door that had all their robot clones of themselves inside.
Fitz: The time has come! Brett! Give the order!
Brett DeMarco: Robot clones! Attack Paradise!
One by one all 500 of the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones marched out of the Dippin Dots building.
Brett DeMarco: Should we check in on our 'guest'.
Fitz: Absolutely we will! She'll be our captive audience!
Brett DeMarco and Fitz walk over to Karen Crawford. She was tied up and gagged to a chair.
Karen (gag falls off): You'll never get away with this! My husband Randall will kill you! You hear me! KILL YOU! He'll throw a hand grenade at your big black dick and send you flying into SPACE! You are the devil, Gerald Fitzgerald! The devil! The devil in disguise!
Fitz: Ha ha ha! And you're Bridget Fonda from Kiss Of The Dragon! Who you are going to become like when I kill the Paradise PD and destroy the town, then build it back up the way I want! Heh heh heh!
Karen: It's too bad Thester Carbomb is long gone dead! Had he lived he probably would've talked some sense into you and.....
Brett DeMarco: (puts the gag back on Karen's mouth.) We forgot all about him.
Fitz (to Karen): Randall killing me? In your dreams! That's not going to happen. So you see, my Legion of DOOOOOOM made our robot clones super strong and effective! Nothing can penetrate them!
Brett DeMarco (to Karen): Very smart of you to shut down the town! Incredibly, incredibly smart of you!
Fitz: Now Karen! Brett and I are going to leave you to your own devices! Come Brett!
Brett DeMarco: Right behind you!
Fitz and Brett DeMarco leave the room to go to watch their robot clones in their conference room. Karen sat in helplessness watching the Paradise PD on their cattle drive.
Karen: Oh Randall! (sobs) I hope you're able to handle whatever is coming your way!
Scene 8:
Now in the bad part of the town of Paradise. After drinking from his canteen. Randall begins to feel tired and woozy. Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, and Randall were still riding on their cattle.
Randall: Ehhh! Ehhh! I am so fucking tired. The cattle drive must go on!
Dusty: Oh my! Randall is almost as drunk as my Dad used to be!
Kevin: Are you sure that was water you put in the canteen. Everyone check your canteens.
Bullet: No use checking mine. I wasted it on Carbortion Rex.
Gina, Stanley, Dusty, and Kevin checked their canteens. They all had regular water in theirs. Randall's however had whiskey.
Dusty: OH NO! I must've poured sparkling water in Randall's by mistake.
Randall: Get enough of this water! De-licious! (drinking from the canteen)
Dusty: Randall is going to be so mad at me!
Gina: He won't even remember.
Kevin: I'll take the blame for it. He'll kick my ass anyway!
Randall begins to hallucinate.
Dusty: Your dad is acting like my dad used to when he got drunk!
Kevin: Dad? You okay?
Randall: Fine son! Couldn't be better! (hick) Look at all this beautiful landscape! (hick) Mountains, a fresh clean lake, forest, trees all around. (hallucinates about owls) If only it weren't for these damned owls! (swats his hands around) FUCK OFF AND TAKE YOUR HOO HOO HOO'S WITH YOU!
Gina (scoffs): Yeah, sure Randall! It's so breathtaking! He doesn't even know he's in the ghetto!
Stanley: Does ghetto mean a bad part of town? You should've been at Pork Chop Hill during the Korean War!
Randall (drinks from the canteen): (hick) This is some strong flavored water! (swats his hands around) None for you, owls! (belch)
Kevin: This isn't good. My Dad thinks he sees owls.
Dusty: Precisely! My Dad used to see owls when he got drunk!
Kevin (defensively): Oh really? From what you told us your Dad left you!
Dusty: I wasn't comparing Dads! I just said yours is swatting invisible owls and drunker than a hooker on pay day!
Randall: We're at the final phase of our (hick) cattle drive! Onto the slaughterhouse!
Gina: He's far gone, guys.
Randall: This calls for a song!
Bullet: What's he going to do, play Pump Up The Jam on his banjo?
As he was about to sing, Randall's hallucination became even worse. As the scene transforms from a skid row ghetto setting into a landscape complete with mountains, canyon, clean lakes, forest, and Hobo Cop who transformed into a waterfall as he was vomiting.
Randall (singing): Well, my son is a sissy with some elderly and obese friends. But they're going to be men when the cattle drive ends! Just one last canyon we must cross! Then we'll serve these cows with a barbecue sauce!
Gina, Dusty, Bullet, Stanley, and Kevin all looked at each other funny.
Randall (singing): Nothing like a cattle ride as every father knows! Prairie Dogs and Jackrabbits come to say hello!
A hallucination of a Prairie Dog and a Jackrabbit come to greet Randall.
Prairie Dog: Hi Randall!
Jackrabbit: Hello friend!
Jumping off his cattle, Randall gasps with happiness. Randall then believes he is doing a hoe down dance with the Prairie Dog and Jackrabbit!
Randall: Come join with me on the yodel fellas....
Jackrabbit, Prairie Dog, and Randall (yodeling): COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY! COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY!
Prairie Dog: Great job, Randall.
When Randall was still dancing with the 'prairie dog' and 'jackrabbit', Bullet heard some marching in the distance.
Bullet: Uhhh, you guys? Did you hear that? Sounds like marching.
Kevin: I do! Where is it coming from?
Gina: Sounds like it's far away.
Stanley: I hear it too! It sure isn't the Paths Of Glory that's for sure.
Dusty: That marching is growing closer!
Kevin: We have to warn Dad! He's still thinking he's playing with prairie dogs and jackrabbits!
Randall (holding a coke box and a deflated basketball): COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY!
Gina: I'll snap him out of it!
Dusty: Don't tell him it was me who put whiskey in his canteen.
Gina: Consider it forgotten! I know how to sober up people!
Getting off her cattle, Gina smacks Randall upside the head. Randall sobered up fast.
Randall: Woah! What happened! What the fuck are we doing in the hood?! Why am I dancing with a....
Gina: Never mind all that you twat waffle! We're hearing some marching!
Randall: Marching!
The Marching sound comes closer and closer. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were zoning into the Paradise PD.
Kevin: I'm so scared! It's robots....
Dusty: And they're coming right this WAY!
The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were marching up to the Paradise PD. Back at the Dippin Dots building. Karen screams through her gag as she was watching the horror that was about to occur in front of her.
Karen (muffled): Be careful Randall!
Scene 9:
Overtime, the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were terrorizing everyone around them, demolish and decimate everything around. People were running away scared and getting beaten, raped, and even killed in the worst ways possible. The Paradise PD looks at all the chaos befold before them.
Fitz Robot Clone: TAKE THIS AND THAT! AND ONE OF THESE!
Brett Robot Clone: TAKE THIS AND THAT! AND ONE OF THESE!
Bullet: What the hell's going on? Where the fuck are we? Westworld?!
Randall: This is some major SHIT! We're being overtaken by robots!
Dusty: Not just any robots! They all look like Kingpin Fitz and Brett DeMarco!
Kevin: What'll we do?
Gina: Only one thing we can do! FIGHT!
Bullet: No fucking shit there Gina!
Randall: Kevin, now this is the time to be a man! Which is what I was trying to teach you on this cattle drive. You're going to help us fight these robot mother fuckers!
Stanley: What about us?
Randall: You too, Stanley and Dusty.
Kevin: I always wanted to be a cop Dad. Never like this. But what of the cattle!
Randall: Fuck the cattle! We have more important things to worry about right now!
Leaving the cattle behind, Kevin, Stanley, Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Dusty all go off to fight the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Cattle: Hey, now that they're gone! You know what that means?
All the Cattle: We won't be killed?
Cattle: Exactly! Let's party!
All the Cattle: YAY!
The Cattle were soon having a party knowing they weren't going to be sent to the slaughterhouse! The Cattle begin to sing and dance all around the low income neighborhood. Instead of music, they mooed to the tune of the Blue Danube. Some even began to have sex.
Scene 10:
As the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones continue to cause damage to the property and the people of Paradise. Randall, Gina, and Bullet get ready for the battle of their lives. Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty do as well, but with reluctance.
Kevin: oooohhhh! Robots! Why did it have to be robots?
Stanley: This is worse than Robot Monster after that fling I had with George Nader!
Dusty: Robot Monster was a movie, this is real!
Kevin: It's like what Dad was trying to teach us. Guess we'll have to do this 'The Cowboy Way'. (pulls out a gun)
Dusty and Stanley pull out a lasso and a cattle brander and they join the battle to destroy the Fitz and Brett DeMarco clones.
Randall (puts on a testosterone patch): These robots are no match for my testosterone patches! (punches robot clones)
Bullet (snorts a bunch of cocaine): I'm bringing back my All Dogs Go To Heaven to raise a little hell!
Ghosts of dogs appear and Bullet uses a machine gun. When Gina fights off the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones they explode.
Bullet (shoots at robot clones): Say hello to my little friend! I'm Bullet! You fuck with me you fuck with the best!
Gina: (punches and kicks the robot clones): All right, Fitz! Time to kick your well toned abs and ass! HEE-YAW!!!
Kevin (shoots at the robot clones): Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm getting it.
Dusty: (lassos the robot clones): This cowboy stuff we were taught! It's working!
Stanley uses the cattle brander. One by one, the Paradise PD were breaking and smashing the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Randall (fights off the robot clones): Holy fuck, how many are there?
Bullet: I lost count around 300! (gets punched by a robot clone)
Gina blasts through the Brett DeMarco robot clone that hits Bullet. With luck at their back, Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley were destroying the last 198 Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Kevin (shoots at a Fitz robot clone): I'm Quick At The Draw!
Dusty (lassos some robot clones): Hmm, Fitz didn't really put any thought into these robot clones!
Stanley uses the cattle brander to burn some Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones. Eventually, the Fitz and Brett DeMarco clones were history. All except two.
Kevin: Wow! We did it! Hey, Dad! I used techniques you taught me! Think I'm over my fear of robots!
Randall: You never would've done it without me. Besides, isn't this better than being in a play about Peter Pan.
Kevin: Come to think of it, yes! This is way more exciting!
Dusty: You should've seen me with my lasso! They were all coming at me! And zoop! I let them have it!
Bullet: Isn't there anything cocaine can't do? I was practically Scarface out there!
Stanley: I met the real life Scarface! He was my pimp by the way.
Gina: Guess that's all of them. One more victory for the Paradise PD!
Once they were about to celebrate their triumph over the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones, a flying submarine flew over them. Inside there were two more Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones who managed to get away. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco give the middle finger to the Paradise PD, who mistakes them for the real thing.
Randall: HOLY FUCK! They're really fucking with us now!
Gina: I say we sneak on board and fuck with them!
Dusty: Awesome concept, Gina! Allow me to use my trusty lasso! YEE-HAW!!!
Scene 11:
Dusty gets his lasso and ties it to the flying submarine.
Gina: Wooo! Dusty! You just made me make syrup in my pants!
Randall: All right, here's the plan. We climb up that rope and get onto that submarine!
Kevin: Got it Dad! I'd rather be a cowboy than be Peter Pan anyday!
Bullet: Yeah, cowboys are awesome! Fairy tales can fuck themselves!
In a single file, Randall, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, and Dusty (who was at the bottom) climbed the rope and onto the the flying submarine. Dusty struggles to climb up the rope due to his obesity.
Dusty: Awww, shit! I'm about to fall and end up like Ned Beatty in Superman 2.
Randall and Gina pulled the rope to throw Dusty onto the flying submarine, however, it caused the flying submarine to shake and Stanley fell off from the sky.
Stanley: YYYYIIIIKKKKEEEESSS! YOU BASTARDS!
Bullet: Oh no! Stanley!
Kevin: We need to bring him back!
Randall: As John Wayne once said, "Let Him Burn!"
Stanley didn't die from his fall. He landed on a house. At the Dippin' Dots Building, Karen was all alone, tied up and gagged. Watching in complete fear at the Paradise PD.
Karen: Save me, Randall! Save me!
Back on the flying submarine, Randall tries to go to the cockpit where the remaining Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were flying it.
Randall: FREEZE! PARADISE PD YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, FITZ!
The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones just land the flying submarine into the ground real fast then fly up again.
Randall: SON OF A BITCH.
The house Stanley landed on belonged to Geraldine. She was thrilled to see him.
Geraldine: Finally! Etta James said it best, my lonely days are over!
Stanley: Why, hello? What can I do for you?
Geraldine: I've been looking for someone to sing some songs with me and have tea with. Care to join me?
Stanley: I go both ways so sure!
Geraldine gets the tea for her and Stanley and then she sits at her piano.
Back at the Flying Submarine, Kevin tries to go and confront the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones, then Kevin gets knocked back onto the deck. Then Bullet tries his hand and comes back with a broken tail.
At Geraldine's house, she looks at Stanley.
Geraldine: Are you sick? You need medicine.
Stanley: I am but there's no medicine that can help me.
Geraldine: Music is the best medicine ever. Let's sing. (singing): He's Got The Whole World In His Hands.
Stanley (sings): He's Got The Whole World In His Hands.
Geraldine and Stanley (both singing): He's Got The World Wide World In His Hands! He's Got The Whole World In His Hands....
On the flying submarine, Randall has a plan.
Randall: Okay, let's regroup. What we need to do is start a fire.
Kevin: What will that do?
Randall: Because the flying submarine will explode if it's on fire. Especially around the gas tank.
Dusty: I still got Stanley's cattle brander.
Gina: Perfect!
Bullet: Since I'm a dog I have an affinity for wood so here's some wood I collected over the years.
Searching into his fur, Bullet then hands Randall bunches of wood.
Randall: YES! That's terrific!
Dusty: Where is the gas tank? This looks like that tank/helicopter thingy from The Three Stooges In Orbit.
Randall: On the left side of the vehicle like all other mechanics! As soon as we get the fire started, Gina, since you're my best cop you go into the cockpit and kick Fitz's and Brett's asses!
Gina: I'm ready for some busting any time anywhere!
Randall builds the fire on the bunches of wood Bullet gave him. Gina runs into the cockpit. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones soon spot her.
Fitz Robot Clone (gets up from the seat): TAKE THIS AND THAT AND ONE OF THESE!
Brett DeMarco Robot Clone (gets up from the seat): TAKE THIS AND THAT AND ONE OF THESE!
Gina (gets out her nightstick): Threaten me all you want! 'Cuz Mama's gonna take you home, bitches!
Scene 12:
At Geraldine's house, her and Stanley were still singing. Then Stanley and Geraldine say their goodbyes.
Stanley: Well, I gotta go back to the Paradise PD now. I used to be a bit actor on Car 54 Where Are You!
Geraldine: You were so fun to have around! Goodbye! Don't forget...(singing) He's Got The Whole World In His Hands!
Stanley: Goodbye! Let's have Spanish Fly tea again next time! (singing) He's Got The Whole World In His Hands!
Back on the Flying Submarine, Gina was in the cockpit and she gave a karate chop to the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones with her bare hands. Which caused them to break into pieces. Gina didn't notice that they were just robot clones. In the cockpit, Gina finds some parachutes.
Gina: Paydirt!
Randall throws the bunches of fire at the gas tank. Gina runs out of the cockpit with the parachutes.
Gina: Look what I found! (shows them the parachutes)
Kevin: Parachutes?
Dusty: Yes, so we can jump off this submarine.
Randall: Brilliant, Gina! Now lets get into them. This submarine will explode in a matter of seconds.
Bullet, Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all put on the parachutes. Jumping off the parachutes worked for all the Paradise PD. The flying submarine exploded.
Gina: YES! YES! We won! We killed Fitz! (under her breath) Or rather I did.
Randall: Awesome!
Kevin: Paradise PD is number one!
Bullet: Who says we're the worst police force in the country!
Dusty: As the cowboys all say, "BULLSEYE!"
The flying submarine's remnants fell into the Atlantic Ocean. A Local News Report was being played on the View Screen at the Dippin Dots Building. Karen was forced to watch.
News Anchor: News Alert! The danger is over! The mysterious machine that was flying over Paradise has just exploded over the Atlantic Ocean! Repeat! The danger is over.....
Karen: NNNNNOOOOO! RANDALL! RANDALL! Kevin, I never cared too much for, but RANDALL! He's dead! He's dead! He's dead! (cries)
Scene 13 Conclusion:
The Paradise PD is still suspended into the air with parachutes. They were about to land on the Dippin' Dots Building. Everyone looks down at their town.
Randall: Paradise sure looks beautiful from up here!
Kevin: Indeed!
Bullet: This makes me want to take up skydiving like Peter Griffin.
Gina: Aww, man. Hey, look you guys! We're going to land in the Dippin' Dots building.
Dusty: I sure can go for an ice cream!
Randall: No you fucking retard! That's Fitz's headquarters!
Kevin: Yeah, imagine the looks on their faces when we come in to arrest the Legion of DOOOOOM!
Gina: More important, the looks on their faces when we tell them their great leaders are dead!
Landing on the Dippin' Dots Building, Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin all run inside. Seeing the Dippin Dots building is empty, until they find Karen. Randall runs to Karen to untie her.
Randall: KAREN! I'll untie you!
Kevin: MOM! Who would do this to you?
When Randall is done untying Karen, she tells them her ordeal.
Karen: Oh it was so terrible. Fitz and Brett DeMarco kidnapped me! They sent out some robot clones of themselves to kill you and wreck havoc on the city. They were going to sell me as a prostitute!
Gina: We don't have to worry about those meth dealing twat waffles anymore.
Dusty: Yep, they're dead! They died in the explosion. Boom! Finished! Kaput!
Kevin: Now that we're here, maybe we can clean out the Dippin' Dots Building.
Randall: Exactly what I intend to do and...
Before anyone can do anything, Randall's cellphone rings.
Randall: Hello? Police Chief Randall Crawford.
Voice: Hello, Randall.
Randall: WHO IS THIS?!
Voice: An old friend of yours. You know me! You've seen me!
Randall: I don't know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you are trying to pull...
Voice: You'll find out soon enough! Maybe in a few months, in the meantime I found some new friends coming over for dinner! (laughs evilly)
The voice on the other end hangs up on the phone. Karen, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Kevin look at Randall with concern.
Bullet: Who was it, Randall.
Randall: I have no idea.
Dusty: Well, anyway. Randall was teaching us how to be cowboys.
Karen: I saw everything. Like I had a choice.
Just then Stanley Hopson walks in.
Gina: I think we can call ourselves The Magnificent Seven! Make that Magnificent Ass Busting Seven! (laughs)
Stanley (singing): He's Got The Whole World, In His Hands! He's Got The Whole World, In His Hands!
Kevin: That was beautiful Stanley.
Gina: Let me guess, he got lucky. (rolling her eyes)
Dusty: So Stanley! Tell us all about it!
Randall: NNNOOO! THIS IS THE LAST THING WE NEED!
The voice on the other end was Gerald Fitzgerald the Kingpin. Who was on a motorcycle. Brett DeMarco was on a motorcycle too with Zeta in the passenger seat.
Fitz: Those robot clones were genius! They actually think we're dead!
Brett DeMarco: I know right! You pulled a Silence Of The Lambs on them!
Zeta: So, where to next, Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett.
Fitz: South Dakota! To the Sturgis Bike rally! I wasn't lying that I found some 'friends' over for dinner!
Brett DeMarco: There's lots of druggies there! Floor it!
Fitz: We'll tell some bikers to meet us at Mount Rushmore while we're at it!
On their motorcycles, Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were now on their way to the Sturgis Bike Rally. To lay low for a while then come back to Paradise when everyone least expects it.
THE END
Fanfic Title:
The Magnificent Paradise PD
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Bullet, Randall, and Gina all enter the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Thank you for coming with me to the Prison Auction you guys.
Gina: I wouldn't have missed it for the world! (takes out some oversized underwear) Besides, I got the best prize of all! (sniffs the underwear then sighs contentedly)
Randall: Bet you can't wait to get Dusty to try on those XXXXL sized men's underwear!
Bullet: Glad you guys won some things to be proud of. The only thing I got was this stupid shirt!
The shirt Bullet had on reads, "I WENT TO A PRISON AUCTION AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS FUCKING STUPID SHIRT!"
Randall: I won something, but nobody told me what it was or when it was going to come.
Gina: It's fun to confiscate stuff from criminals then sell their stuff at auction!
Bullet: Yeah, that's true. Just wished I would've been given a crack pipe or even some porn magazines!
Randall notices Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley aren't around.
Bullet: Has anyone seen Kevin or Dusty?
Randall: Yeah, you're right, Bullet! I don't even see Stanley.
Gina: There's barely even a Stanley, anyway!
Bullet then hears some people talking outside the Paradise PD Headquarters building. The voices sounded like Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley.
Dusty: OKay....from the top.
Stanley: And a one and a two and a....
Randall, Gina, and Bullet all step outside to see Kevin in a Peter Pan outfit, sword fighting with Hobo Cop (who dressed as Captain Hook) with Dusty and Stanley by his side.
Bullet: What the fuck is this shit? The Neighborhood of Make Believe if it had been created by Tim Burton?
Gina: It looks like a Sesame Street music video directed by Spike Jonze to me.
Kevin: Ah Hoy! Captain Hook! I'm about to feed you to the sharks!
Dusty: Great job, Kevin! Keep up with that momentum!
Randall: Stop what you're doing NOW!
Stanley: Oh hey, Randall!
Randall: We need to be doing police work and instead you're rehearsing a version of Sinbad The Sailor that looks like it was directed by John Waters!
Stanley: John Waters! He had some good flake back in the 1970's!
Dusty: It's nothing like that, Randall!
Gina: What the hell are you doing then?
Kevin (walks up to Randall): Hey Dad! I know you're going to ask about this.
Randall: I demand an answer for this bullshit!
Kevin: And you deserve one. Anyway, remember when Mom had that Broadway Theater opened downtown because she thought this town can use more culture?
Randall: Yes I do. Sounds like something your mother would do.
Kevin: Dusty and Stanley here are helping me rehearse for a play I am trying out for.
Dusty: That's right, I am Kevin's (dramatic voice) acting coach!
Stanley: Since you mentioned Sinbad earlier I stalked Douglas Fairbanks in Maureen O'Hara's dressing room once.
Randall: Fine, I'll bite. What's this play you're doing?
Kevin: Peter Pan! And guess who the theater people picked to play Peter Pan!
Hobo Cop: And I'm Dr. Hook And The Medicine Show!
Dusty: It's Captain Hook you fucking dumbass!
Hobo Cop: Sorry, I always get those two confused.
Randall: Holy shit! My son is an actor?! And of all the characters it had to be Peter Pan?!?! Now I know how Neil Perry's father felt in Dead Poet's Society.
Kevin: Does this mean you're proud?
Gina: No you fucking half-wit! It means he's disappointed in you!
Bullet: Should we force them to stop this?
Randall: Nah, let them go for now.
Bullet: Come on, let's wait to see what you've won at the Prison Auction.
Gina: Let these little babies play pretend!
As Randall, Gina, and Bullet were about to go back inside Paradise PD Headquarters. Dusty goes back to helping Kevin with the play.
Dusty: Well, pardon that interruption! Let's get back to business!
Stanley: From the top once more....
Kevin: A-ha! Captain Hook! You won't win this one! I'm taking Wendy and the Lost Boys back with me to Neverland.
Hobo Cop: Uhhhh, line?
Scene 2:
A semi truck was driving down the street and stopped at the Paradise PD Headquarters. The driver comes out and has Randall sign a paper.
Driver: Sign here, please.
Randall: Sure, here's my John Hancock.
Gina: Why are you here?
Bullet: Hey, Randall! This could be that prize you won at the Prison Auction.
Driver: And so it is.....
Gina: What did he win?
Randall: Must be really important!
The truck driver opens the end of the semi truck and out comes 100 cattle.
Randall: CATTLE! THAT WAS WHAT I WON? CATTLE?
Bullet: Not too late to open a Chipolte!
Gina: We can sell them for bug bucks on Craig's List if you want.
Driver (goes back in the semi truck): Enjoy your Auction Winning. Have a nice day.
Soon the cattle were surrounding the street area. At first Randall was flabbergasted. Then he gets an idea.
Randall: I know exactly what we will do with this cattle!
Bullet: Have a cocaine orgy with them? I'll take them.
Randall: NO! Not that stupid ass shit! I think we should do a Cattle Drive!
Gina: Hmmm, think you're onto something there, Randall. We can be like those cowboys from the Old West.
Randall: Exactly! We can use these Cattle and do the Cattle drive to toughen up Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley!
Watching from a distance, Kevin, Hobo Cop, Stanley, and Dusty were rehearsing the Peter Pan play. That's when Randall decides it's time to make rough and tumble cowboys out of Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty.
Bullet: That's awesome Randall! That way they can't play their little toddler games anymore!
Gina: Or audition for any more plays about kiddie fairy tales.
Randall: Let's face it. Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty are total fucking wimps.
Bullet: You're telling me. They're like the weakest link in the Paradise PD.
Randall: Right! Now this is what we're going to do. Gina, come with me.
Gina: What would you like me to do?
Randall: Come over to my house and help me turn it into a Cattle Ranch.
Gina: Got it!
Randall: Bullet, you go to City Hall and tell that mayor ex-wife of mine to close down the town for a few days,
Bullet: Sure, I can do that! We don't want the town open if we're going to do a Cattle Drive.
Randall (looking into the sky): Well, now is the time to turn Kevin into a real man! I'll turn him into modern day Bronco Billy Anderson!
Scene 3:
A screen was showing Bullet walk to City Hall. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were inside the Dippin' Dots Building spying on the Paradise PD.
Fitz: So, the Paradise PD wants to do a cattle drive, do they?
Brett DeMarco: Yes and what luck! That asshole Bullet is going to City Hall to talk to Mayor Karen to shut down the town.
Fitz: Precisely, Brett. When the town goes into shutdown, we can move ahead with our ultimate plan!
Brett DeMarco: You've been talking about this huge plan of yours. Think you should let me in on it.
Fitz: You deserve to know. Come with me.
Brett DeMarco follows Fitz into a mechanics room. Inside, Frank Flipperfist, Jerry, Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos, Puffy The Cigarette, and Russian Mobster were inside looking like they were building robots.
Fitz: How's the project coming along?
Frank Flipperfist: Almost finished! And to think my dolphin fins can actually build something technological!
Jerry: BBRRRWWAAAAHHH.
Pedro Pooptooth: Give It Just A Little More Time, Puto!
Brett DeMarco: Fuck! Thanks a lot for putting that shitty ass song in my head!
Fitz: How many of these are done?
Russian Mobster: I'll count in the 100s. So far we have 100...200....300....400....500! 500 Robot Clones! HA HA HA!
Zeta (runs to the mechanics room): Wow Daddy Fitz. Is it really almost done!
Fitz: Yes it is, sweetheart! Brett and Zeta. You both are about to witness the one thing that can wipe the town of Paradise right off the map for good.
Brett DeMarco: What shall that be?
A bunch of Robot Clones of Fitz and Brett DeMarco march out of the mechanics room.
Zeta: All those robots look like you and Uncle Brett.
Fitz: Yes, that's the whole idea! With these Robot Clones on our side, the Paradise PD will be singing "Baby What A Big Surprise!" (evil laughter)
Scene 4:
On Local TV to announce some big news, Karen Crawford makes a speech.
Karen: Sorry to put a damper on some weekend plans. My husband Randall Crawford who's a police chief wants the town to be shut down so he can do a Cattle Drive on some fellow police officers to make them better than before. Our town will be back up and running on Monday!
Before she knew it, Karen was hit with a blow dart and is taken away.
Kevin was in his bedroom, sleeping. That was until Randall woke him up. Randall was dressed in a cowboy outfit and had a triangle bell.
Randall (ringing the triangle bell): Get up! Top of the morning to you!
Kevin: Dad?! what the hell.
Randall: Rise and shine! Time to get up!
Kevin: Oh good. I'm glad you got me up. I'm supposed to be at the Paradise Broadway Theater anyway.
Randall: Nonsense! You're not going to be in any plays! The only plays you're going to be in are the ones that I produce! Like what I'm about to show you right now!
Kevin: What do you mean? Why are you dressed as a cowboy?
Randall: Why, this old getup? This is what James Garner wore in Support Your Local Gunfighter! Come outside, son!
Kevin follows Randall outside only to see Randall's house was turned into a Cattle Ranch complete with the 100 Cattle he won at the Prison Auction. Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Bullet were all there too.
Dusty: Hey, Kevin! Gina wanted me to come here for some reason.
Stanley: A Cattle Barn hey?
Bullet: Yep sure is, buddy!
Kevin: Please let me go to the Paradise Broadway Theater! I don't want to do this!
Randall: Too fucking bad, son! Playing Peter Pan in a poorly budgeted play isn't going to get you laid! But being a cowboy sure will!
Dusty: Cowboy? You didn't say anything about cowboys? Oooh! Can we be the Wild West Cowboys of Moo Mesa?!
Randall: This is why I brought you all here. (points to Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty) Especially you three. You all have no choice but to stay here. This weekend is going to be jammed packed to the max with Cowboy tropes, cliches, and all that other good Old West shit!
Gina: I helped build this Cattle Ranch!
Bullet: Right Randall. You see, Gina, Randall, and I were talking about what wimps you all are. So we decided to make you real men by becoming cowboys! In other words, We're Gonna PUMP (slaps hands) You Up!
Randall: I don't think that Hanz and Franz reference works in a cowboy setting. Anyway, back to you three pussbugs! First we learn how to lasso!
Gina hands Dusty, Stanley, and Kevin some ropes to lasso.
Kevin: Know what! I'm not doing this!
Stanley: Last time I lassoed somebody it was Tom Mix.
Dusty: Me neither! Saturdays are my days to go to Goopy Goobers to take part in the Strawberry Saturday Pancake event!
When Dusty, Kevin, and Stanley were about to leave, Randall lassos them all back.
Bullet: Ha! Nice try, assholes! Mayor Karen locked down the whole town so we can strengthen your pudgy asses!
Kevin: Well, looks like we're going to be cowboys this weekend.
Randall: I'm glad you gave into this Kevin!
Dusty: I don't wanna do this! Not on Strawberry Saturday Pancake Day!
Gina: There's always next Saturday for that!
Randall: Sorry to tell you this, but The Old West knows no Saturday!
Dusty: Okay fine!
Stanley: I'm willing to do this! What would you like us to do first?
Randall: Lassoing!
Bullet: We said that a while ago!
Song: Thin Lizzy's Cowboy Song Plays
Randall had Kevin and Dusty do some lassoing. They used Stanley for lasso practice. Kevin and Dusty kept missing. Gina kept yelling at them to get better.
Gina: What the fuck was that? You call that lassoing? Get all Fifty Shades of Grey on that eldery twat waffle!
Stanley: Come on losers! Tie me Up!
Dusty uses the lasso and succeeds in lassoing Stanley, Kevin keeps missing.
Randall: Great job, Dusty.
Dusty: YEAH YEAH YEAH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! (dances around)
Randall: But, Kevin. I'm sorry to say that you suck!
Dusty: Yeah, Kevin! You wouldn't know how to lasso on a cowpoke!
Kevin: If you had let me be in that play, none of this would've happened.
Randall: Yeah, and I wouldn't have to do this to you if you had been more of a tougher cop!
Gina: Now, let's see how you guys are at guns!
Randall puts some crack pipes on a fence.
Bullet: Time to master the art of sharp shooting!
Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley all shoot at the crack pipes. Dusty and Stanley keep missing. The force of the gun Stanley was using caused him to fall over backwards. As it turns out, Kevin was the best at sharpshooting.
Gina: Wow, Kevin! That was awesome!
Bullet: Yeah, John Voight would be proud!
Kevin: Why thanks. I can get used to this!
Randall: John Voight?
Bullet: He was in Midnight Cowboy wasn't he?
Randall: That wasn't a real western so that doesn't count.
Stanley: How did I do? Did I do good?
Song Ends
Scene 5:
Randall, Gina, and Bullet were now going to teach Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley to go camping.
Gina: Pay attention pussies! Just like real cowboys we have to build a fire.
Randall: That's correct. The more wood and fire you get. The more you get to eat. Grab your sleeping bags! For that real Western experience!
Kevin had a Dungeons and Dragons sleeping bag. Dusty had a Wall Eyed Wally sleeping bag. Stanley had a Marx Brothers sleeping bag. Bullet was embarrassed, as was Gina and Randall.
Gina (giggles to herself): Some sleeping bags!
Bullet: Man if Lee Van Cleef were to see you guys he would castrate himself.
Dusty: Uhhh, what makes you say that, Bullet?
Bullet (scoffs): Never mind!
Stanley: I met him on the set of Death Rides A Horse. I thought I was fucking him, but it was really the horse from the movie I fucked!
Randall and Gina show Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley how to build a campfire.
Gina: See? Nothing to it! All you need is to rub these two sticks.
Randall: Like Minnesota Clay!
Bullet: Now we're going to cook! Chuck Wagon style!
Kevin, Stanley and Dusty all sneak into Randall's house.
Gina: You guys are paying attention, right?
Bullet: Yeah, they seem awful quiet.
Randall (sees Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley are gone): What the fuck! They bailed on us!
Stomping inside the Crawford family home, Randall sees Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley watching TV.
Randall: HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA! GET YOUR ASSES BACK OUT ON THE RANCH!
Stanley: I realized Cowboy isn't my style! But Reverse Cowgirl is!
Dusty: We're doing what we like!
Kevin: Yeah, we're watching August Osage County on Hulu!
Randall: WHAT?! NO! NO! NO! This won't do! If you guys want to be real men. We never do what we like! We have wives and kids that keep us from it.
Dusty: Awwww, man!
Randall: Get back out there!
Kevin: You win, Dad! You always win!
Gina and Bullet were stirring a pot.
Bullet: You're in time for dinner.
Dusty: Oh boy! What're we having! Chicken and Dumplings?
Gina: Nope, beans!
Kevin: I could go for some!
Dusty: Beans? Why does it have to be a stupid vegetable.
Randall: You have to eat healthy if you want to be a cowboy!
Bullet, Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Randall, and Stanley all ate the beans, then Stanley let out a big fart as did Dusty! Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Kevin collapsed at the smell.
Dusty: Hope you guys aren't offended by my farting!
Stanley: This was the best smelling fart since the bomb on Hiroshima!
Scene 6:
After the whole camping out fiasco was over. Randall, Gina, and Bullet all give Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty some canteens and branding sticks. Dusty filled the canteens with water, and filled one with whiskey that he gave to Randall.
Randall: You filled up the canteens and gave one to me. Good!
Kevin: Is it time for the Cattle Drive yet.
Randall: Just about. We still have that fire.
Gina: What you guys are going to do is put those branding sticks in the fire and brand those Cattle!
Dusty: Okay. This shouldn't be so hard!
Song: Boys Don't Cry I Want To Be A Cowboy plays.
Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley all put their branding sticks in the fire, and began to brand the cattle. Kevin and Dusty did brand some cattle only to have the cattle kick them sideways with their back legs. Stanley was really enjoying branding the cattle. He was the best at it. Dusty soon then found himself being branded by Gina, but he laughed it off. Once the Cattle Branding lesson was done, Randall noticed only 99 of the Cattle were branded.
Randall: Anyone noticed there's one cattle missing.
Gina: Yeah you're right! There should be another one.
Kevin (finding some cattle prints): Think it leads to that garage you turned into a barn, Dad.
Stanley: Let's follow those tracks.
Kevin, Gina, Stanley, Randall and Dusty all follow the tracks that lead to the garage. Opening the garage, much to their horror Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Stanley, and Randall all witness Bullet having sex with one of the cattle.
Bullet (seductively): Ooooh! You're a great fuck! Bet you say that to all the German Shepherds!
Randall: GOD FUCK IT, BULLET! Get out of there, now!
Bullet: HEY! THIS IS PRIVATE! (tries to close the garage door)
Opening it back up, Randall drags Bullet by the ears.
Bullet: YAHH! YAHH! YAHH! YAHH! YAHH!
Randall: Having sexual relations with a cattle, are we? What would Burt Lancaster from Ulzana's Raid say?
Gina: Forget it! How about we go on the Cattle Drive.
Randall: OKay. I'll let you go for this time. Everyone, grab a cattle to ride it.
Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Bullet, Stanley, and Randall all ride some cattle and all the other cattle even the one Bullet had sex with were now all walking down the streets of Paradise. Randall was playing the Bonanza theme on his banjo.
Song ends.
Kevin: Hey, Dad quick question here!
Randall: What is it, Kevin?!
Kevin: Where exactly are we taking these cattle?
Randall: Why to the slaughterhouse of course!
Dusty: Slaughterhouse?!?!?! OH NO! SAY IT AIN'T SO!
Gina: That's a song from the band Weezer!
Dusty: I was just getting used to these cattle!
Randall: Well, people gotta eat do they? Old McDonald's farm is miles ahead and....
Drinking from his canteen, which he didn't know was full of alcohol. Thinking it was sparkling water, Randall sees a stagecoach running out of control. It was Robbie and Delbert.
Robbie: YEE HA! YEE HA! YEE HA!
Delbert: HEE HAW! HEE HAW! HEE HAW!
Stanley: What the fuck is going on?!
The stagecoach stopped, it only had one horse. Robbie and Delbert were inside and greeted the Paradise PD.
Robbie: We heard you guys were having a Cattle Drive! Can we join you?
Bullet: That depends. What's your price?
Delbert: We watched City Slickers yesterday and we could not help but get inspired!
Randall: OH NO! We are not letting you come with us.
Gina: Come on, Randall. I think we should take them with us.
Bullet: If you insist.
Randall: I'll allow. Hope you know what you're doing.
Gina gets off her from cattle, she unhinged the horse from Robbie's and Delbert's stagecoach.
Robbie: What's the big idea?
Delbert: Why did you let our horse go?
Gina: Want to come with us do you?
Robbie: Yeah we do!
Delbert: More than anything.
Gina: Close your eyes and stay inside the stagecoach.
Robbie and Delbert (together with their eyes closed): OKay.
Gina picks up the stagecoach using her superhuman strength. Gina throws the stagecoach far into the sky sending Robbie and Delbert flying.
Robbie and Delbert: !!!
Randall: Thank you Gina!
Gina: My pleasure.
The Cattle Drive goes on. That was until the Paradise PD saw Carbortion Rex blocking their path.
Carbortion Rex: Well, well, well what do we have here!
Randall: FUCK! It's Carbortion Rex!
Bullet: Cheese it!
Dusty (hands Bullet a box of Cheez Its) I have some!
Randall: NO! NOT THAT YOU IDIOT! What do you want, Carbortion Rex!
Carbortion Rex: I'm all ready to run all of you over, Paradise PD!
Gina: We don't think so! Kevin, Dusty, Stanley! Show this mechanical twat waffle what you got!
Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty shudder in fear.
Carbortion Rex: I've come for Kevin Dusty, and Stanley! First I will run over Stanley and hose his flattened body off the streets. Then I will give Kevin a handjob and tear off his penis! As for Dusty, I will rape him 100 times over until he is anorexically skinny! (laughs evilly)
Bullet: WHAT?! SERIOUSLY! Why not put those Old West skills we taught you into good use?
Stanley: Didn't you hear, he wants to brutalize us!
Kevin (shuddering): allll rrriiiigggghhhttt!
Dusty (shuddering): hheeerreee gggoooesss nnnooottthhhiiinnngggg!
Kevin used the gun to shoot Carbortion Rex. Stanley used the branding stick, Dusty used the lasso.
Carbortion Rex: HA! YOU THINK THAT CAN STOP ME! IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT!
Bullet gets angry and throws his canteen at Carbotion Rex sending it flying.
Carbortion Rex: See you in the seventh layer of hell!
Gina: Where did you learn to throw like that?
Bullet: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
Randall: You're more of a cowboy than they are! (points to Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty)
Kevin: Enough of the insults.
Gina: Yeah, we'll get this cattle to the slaughterhouse now.
Randall: Now you're talking!
Scene 7:
At the Dippin' Dots Building. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were watching the Paradise PD do their cattle drive around town on their viewscreen.
Fitz: (chortles): If they only knew what would be coming their way.
Brett DeMarco: No shit! They haven't the slightest clue!
Zeta was in her room playing video games. Fitz and Brett DeMarco opened a door that had all their robot clones of themselves inside.
Fitz: The time has come! Brett! Give the order!
Brett DeMarco: Robot clones! Attack Paradise!
One by one all 500 of the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones marched out of the Dippin Dots building.
Brett DeMarco: Should we check in on our 'guest'.
Fitz: Absolutely we will! She'll be our captive audience!
Brett DeMarco and Fitz walk over to Karen Crawford. She was tied up and gagged to a chair.
Karen (gag falls off): You'll never get away with this! My husband Randall will kill you! You hear me! KILL YOU! He'll throw a hand grenade at your big black dick and send you flying into SPACE! You are the devil, Gerald Fitzgerald! The devil! The devil in disguise!
Fitz: Ha ha ha! And you're Bridget Fonda from Kiss Of The Dragon! Who you are going to become like when I kill the Paradise PD and destroy the town, then build it back up the way I want! Heh heh heh!
Karen: It's too bad Thester Carbomb is long gone dead! Had he lived he probably would've talked some sense into you and.....
Brett DeMarco: (puts the gag back on Karen's mouth.) We forgot all about him.
Fitz (to Karen): Randall killing me? In your dreams! That's not going to happen. So you see, my Legion of DOOOOOOM made our robot clones super strong and effective! Nothing can penetrate them!
Brett DeMarco (to Karen): Very smart of you to shut down the town! Incredibly, incredibly smart of you!
Fitz: Now Karen! Brett and I are going to leave you to your own devices! Come Brett!
Brett DeMarco: Right behind you!
Fitz and Brett DeMarco leave the room to go to watch their robot clones in their conference room. Karen sat in helplessness watching the Paradise PD on their cattle drive.
Karen: Oh Randall! (sobs) I hope you're able to handle whatever is coming your way!
Scene 8:
Now in the bad part of the town of Paradise. After drinking from his canteen. Randall begins to feel tired and woozy. Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, and Randall were still riding on their cattle.
Randall: Ehhh! Ehhh! I am so fucking tired. The cattle drive must go on!
Dusty: Oh my! Randall is almost as drunk as my Dad used to be!
Kevin: Are you sure that was water you put in the canteen. Everyone check your canteens.
Bullet: No use checking mine. I wasted it on Carbortion Rex.
Gina, Stanley, Dusty, and Kevin checked their canteens. They all had regular water in theirs. Randall's however had whiskey.
Dusty: OH NO! I must've poured sparkling water in Randall's by mistake.
Randall: Get enough of this water! De-licious! (drinking from the canteen)
Dusty: Randall is going to be so mad at me!
Gina: He won't even remember.
Kevin: I'll take the blame for it. He'll kick my ass anyway!
Randall begins to hallucinate.
Dusty: Your dad is acting like my dad used to when he got drunk!
Kevin: Dad? You okay?
Randall: Fine son! Couldn't be better! (hick) Look at all this beautiful landscape! (hick) Mountains, a fresh clean lake, forest, trees all around. (hallucinates about owls) If only it weren't for these damned owls! (swats his hands around) FUCK OFF AND TAKE YOUR HOO HOO HOO'S WITH YOU!
Gina (scoffs): Yeah, sure Randall! It's so breathtaking! He doesn't even know he's in the ghetto!
Stanley: Does ghetto mean a bad part of town? You should've been at Pork Chop Hill during the Korean War!
Randall (drinks from the canteen): (hick) This is some strong flavored water! (swats his hands around) None for you, owls! (belch)
Kevin: This isn't good. My Dad thinks he sees owls.
Dusty: Precisely! My Dad used to see owls when he got drunk!
Kevin (defensively): Oh really? From what you told us your Dad left you!
Dusty: I wasn't comparing Dads! I just said yours is swatting invisible owls and drunker than a hooker on pay day!
Randall: We're at the final phase of our (hick) cattle drive! Onto the slaughterhouse!
Gina: He's far gone, guys.
Randall: This calls for a song!
Bullet: What's he going to do, play Pump Up The Jam on his banjo?
As he was about to sing, Randall's hallucination became even worse. As the scene transforms from a skid row ghetto setting into a landscape complete with mountains, canyon, clean lakes, forest, and Hobo Cop who transformed into a waterfall as he was vomiting.
Randall (singing): Well, my son is a sissy with some elderly and obese friends. But they're going to be men when the cattle drive ends! Just one last canyon we must cross! Then we'll serve these cows with a barbecue sauce!
Gina, Dusty, Bullet, Stanley, and Kevin all looked at each other funny.
Randall (singing): Nothing like a cattle ride as every father knows! Prairie Dogs and Jackrabbits come to say hello!
A hallucination of a Prairie Dog and a Jackrabbit come to greet Randall.
Prairie Dog: Hi Randall!
Jackrabbit: Hello friend!
Jumping off his cattle, Randall gasps with happiness. Randall then believes he is doing a hoe down dance with the Prairie Dog and Jackrabbit!
Randall: Come join with me on the yodel fellas....
Jackrabbit, Prairie Dog, and Randall (yodeling): COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY! COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY!
Prairie Dog: Great job, Randall.
When Randall was still dancing with the 'prairie dog' and 'jackrabbit', Bullet heard some marching in the distance.
Bullet: Uhhh, you guys? Did you hear that? Sounds like marching.
Kevin: I do! Where is it coming from?
Gina: Sounds like it's far away.
Stanley: I hear it too! It sure isn't the Paths Of Glory that's for sure.
Dusty: That marching is growing closer!
Kevin: We have to warn Dad! He's still thinking he's playing with prairie dogs and jackrabbits!
Randall (holding a coke box and a deflated basketball): COME A TIE YIY YIPPIE YIPPIE YAY!
Gina: I'll snap him out of it!
Dusty: Don't tell him it was me who put whiskey in his canteen.
Gina: Consider it forgotten! I know how to sober up people!
Getting off her cattle, Gina smacks Randall upside the head. Randall sobered up fast.
Randall: Woah! What happened! What the fuck are we doing in the hood?! Why am I dancing with a....
Gina: Never mind all that you twat waffle! We're hearing some marching!
Randall: Marching!
The Marching sound comes closer and closer. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were zoning into the Paradise PD.
Kevin: I'm so scared! It's robots....
Dusty: And they're coming right this WAY!
The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were marching up to the Paradise PD. Back at the Dippin Dots building. Karen screams through her gag as she was watching the horror that was about to occur in front of her.
Karen (muffled): Be careful Randall!
Scene 9:
Overtime, the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were terrorizing everyone around them, demolish and decimate everything around. People were running away scared and getting beaten, raped, and even killed in the worst ways possible. The Paradise PD looks at all the chaos befold before them.
Fitz Robot Clone: TAKE THIS AND THAT! AND ONE OF THESE!
Brett Robot Clone: TAKE THIS AND THAT! AND ONE OF THESE!
Bullet: What the hell's going on? Where the fuck are we? Westworld?!
Randall: This is some major SHIT! We're being overtaken by robots!
Dusty: Not just any robots! They all look like Kingpin Fitz and Brett DeMarco!
Kevin: What'll we do?
Gina: Only one thing we can do! FIGHT!
Bullet: No fucking shit there Gina!
Randall: Kevin, now this is the time to be a man! Which is what I was trying to teach you on this cattle drive. You're going to help us fight these robot mother fuckers!
Stanley: What about us?
Randall: You too, Stanley and Dusty.
Kevin: I always wanted to be a cop Dad. Never like this. But what of the cattle!
Randall: Fuck the cattle! We have more important things to worry about right now!
Leaving the cattle behind, Kevin, Stanley, Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Dusty all go off to fight the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Cattle: Hey, now that they're gone! You know what that means?
All the Cattle: We won't be killed?
Cattle: Exactly! Let's party!
All the Cattle: YAY!
The Cattle were soon having a party knowing they weren't going to be sent to the slaughterhouse! The Cattle begin to sing and dance all around the low income neighborhood. Instead of music, they mooed to the tune of the Blue Danube. Some even began to have sex.
Scene 10:
As the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones continue to cause damage to the property and the people of Paradise. Randall, Gina, and Bullet get ready for the battle of their lives. Kevin, Stanley, and Dusty do as well, but with reluctance.
Kevin: oooohhhh! Robots! Why did it have to be robots?
Stanley: This is worse than Robot Monster after that fling I had with George Nader!
Dusty: Robot Monster was a movie, this is real!
Kevin: It's like what Dad was trying to teach us. Guess we'll have to do this 'The Cowboy Way'. (pulls out a gun)
Dusty and Stanley pull out a lasso and a cattle brander and they join the battle to destroy the Fitz and Brett DeMarco clones.
Randall (puts on a testosterone patch): These robots are no match for my testosterone patches! (punches robot clones)
Bullet (snorts a bunch of cocaine): I'm bringing back my All Dogs Go To Heaven to raise a little hell!
Ghosts of dogs appear and Bullet uses a machine gun. When Gina fights off the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones they explode.
Bullet (shoots at robot clones): Say hello to my little friend! I'm Bullet! You fuck with me you fuck with the best!
Gina: (punches and kicks the robot clones): All right, Fitz! Time to kick your well toned abs and ass! HEE-YAW!!!
Kevin (shoots at the robot clones): Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm getting it.
Dusty: (lassos the robot clones): This cowboy stuff we were taught! It's working!
Stanley uses the cattle brander. One by one, the Paradise PD were breaking and smashing the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Randall (fights off the robot clones): Holy fuck, how many are there?
Bullet: I lost count around 300! (gets punched by a robot clone)
Gina blasts through the Brett DeMarco robot clone that hits Bullet. With luck at their back, Kevin, Dusty, and Stanley were destroying the last 198 Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones.
Kevin (shoots at a Fitz robot clone): I'm Quick At The Draw!
Dusty (lassos some robot clones): Hmm, Fitz didn't really put any thought into these robot clones!
Stanley uses the cattle brander to burn some Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones. Eventually, the Fitz and Brett DeMarco clones were history. All except two.
Kevin: Wow! We did it! Hey, Dad! I used techniques you taught me! Think I'm over my fear of robots!
Randall: You never would've done it without me. Besides, isn't this better than being in a play about Peter Pan.
Kevin: Come to think of it, yes! This is way more exciting!
Dusty: You should've seen me with my lasso! They were all coming at me! And zoop! I let them have it!
Bullet: Isn't there anything cocaine can't do? I was practically Scarface out there!
Stanley: I met the real life Scarface! He was my pimp by the way.
Gina: Guess that's all of them. One more victory for the Paradise PD!
Once they were about to celebrate their triumph over the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones, a flying submarine flew over them. Inside there were two more Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones who managed to get away. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco give the middle finger to the Paradise PD, who mistakes them for the real thing.
Randall: HOLY FUCK! They're really fucking with us now!
Gina: I say we sneak on board and fuck with them!
Dusty: Awesome concept, Gina! Allow me to use my trusty lasso! YEE-HAW!!!
Scene 11:
Dusty gets his lasso and ties it to the flying submarine.
Gina: Wooo! Dusty! You just made me make syrup in my pants!
Randall: All right, here's the plan. We climb up that rope and get onto that submarine!
Kevin: Got it Dad! I'd rather be a cowboy than be Peter Pan anyday!
Bullet: Yeah, cowboys are awesome! Fairy tales can fuck themselves!
In a single file, Randall, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, and Dusty (who was at the bottom) climbed the rope and onto the the flying submarine. Dusty struggles to climb up the rope due to his obesity.
Dusty: Awww, shit! I'm about to fall and end up like Ned Beatty in Superman 2.
Randall and Gina pulled the rope to throw Dusty onto the flying submarine, however, it caused the flying submarine to shake and Stanley fell off from the sky.
Stanley: YYYYIIIIKKKKEEEESSS! YOU BASTARDS!
Bullet: Oh no! Stanley!
Kevin: We need to bring him back!
Randall: As John Wayne once said, "Let Him Burn!"
Stanley didn't die from his fall. He landed on a house. At the Dippin' Dots Building, Karen was all alone, tied up and gagged. Watching in complete fear at the Paradise PD.
Karen: Save me, Randall! Save me!
Back on the flying submarine, Randall tries to go to the cockpit where the remaining Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones were flying it.
Randall: FREEZE! PARADISE PD YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, FITZ!
The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones just land the flying submarine into the ground real fast then fly up again.
Randall: SON OF A BITCH.
The house Stanley landed on belonged to Geraldine. She was thrilled to see him.
Geraldine: Finally! Etta James said it best, my lonely days are over!
Stanley: Why, hello? What can I do for you?
Geraldine: I've been looking for someone to sing some songs with me and have tea with. Care to join me?
Stanley: I go both ways so sure!
Geraldine gets the tea for her and Stanley and then she sits at her piano.
Back at the Flying Submarine, Kevin tries to go and confront the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones, then Kevin gets knocked back onto the deck. Then Bullet tries his hand and comes back with a broken tail.
At Geraldine's house, she looks at Stanley.
Geraldine: Are you sick? You need medicine.
Stanley: I am but there's no medicine that can help me.
Geraldine: Music is the best medicine ever. Let's sing. (singing): He's Got The Whole World In His Hands.
Stanley (sings): He's Got The Whole World In His Hands.
Geraldine and Stanley (both singing): He's Got The World Wide World In His Hands! He's Got The Whole World In His Hands....
On the flying submarine, Randall has a plan.
Randall: Okay, let's regroup. What we need to do is start a fire.
Kevin: What will that do?
Randall: Because the flying submarine will explode if it's on fire. Especially around the gas tank.
Dusty: I still got Stanley's cattle brander.
Gina: Perfect!
Bullet: Since I'm a dog I have an affinity for wood so here's some wood I collected over the years.
Searching into his fur, Bullet then hands Randall bunches of wood.
Randall: YES! That's terrific!
Dusty: Where is the gas tank? This looks like that tank/helicopter thingy from The Three Stooges In Orbit.
Randall: On the left side of the vehicle like all other mechanics! As soon as we get the fire started, Gina, since you're my best cop you go into the cockpit and kick Fitz's and Brett's asses!
Gina: I'm ready for some busting any time anywhere!
Randall builds the fire on the bunches of wood Bullet gave him. Gina runs into the cockpit. The Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones soon spot her.
Fitz Robot Clone (gets up from the seat): TAKE THIS AND THAT AND ONE OF THESE!
Brett DeMarco Robot Clone (gets up from the seat): TAKE THIS AND THAT AND ONE OF THESE!
Gina (gets out her nightstick): Threaten me all you want! 'Cuz Mama's gonna take you home, bitches!
Scene 12:
At Geraldine's house, her and Stanley were still singing. Then Stanley and Geraldine say their goodbyes.
Stanley: Well, I gotta go back to the Paradise PD now. I used to be a bit actor on Car 54 Where Are You!
Geraldine: You were so fun to have around! Goodbye! Don't forget...(singing) He's Got The Whole World In His Hands!
Stanley: Goodbye! Let's have Spanish Fly tea again next time! (singing) He's Got The Whole World In His Hands!
Back on the Flying Submarine, Gina was in the cockpit and she gave a karate chop to the Fitz and Brett DeMarco robot clones with her bare hands. Which caused them to break into pieces. Gina didn't notice that they were just robot clones. In the cockpit, Gina finds some parachutes.
Gina: Paydirt!
Randall throws the bunches of fire at the gas tank. Gina runs out of the cockpit with the parachutes.
Gina: Look what I found! (shows them the parachutes)
Kevin: Parachutes?
Dusty: Yes, so we can jump off this submarine.
Randall: Brilliant, Gina! Now lets get into them. This submarine will explode in a matter of seconds.
Bullet, Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all put on the parachutes. Jumping off the parachutes worked for all the Paradise PD. The flying submarine exploded.
Gina: YES! YES! We won! We killed Fitz! (under her breath) Or rather I did.
Randall: Awesome!
Kevin: Paradise PD is number one!
Bullet: Who says we're the worst police force in the country!
Dusty: As the cowboys all say, "BULLSEYE!"
The flying submarine's remnants fell into the Atlantic Ocean. A Local News Report was being played on the View Screen at the Dippin Dots Building. Karen was forced to watch.
News Anchor: News Alert! The danger is over! The mysterious machine that was flying over Paradise has just exploded over the Atlantic Ocean! Repeat! The danger is over.....
Karen: NNNNNOOOOO! RANDALL! RANDALL! Kevin, I never cared too much for, but RANDALL! He's dead! He's dead! He's dead! (cries)
Scene 13 Conclusion:
The Paradise PD is still suspended into the air with parachutes. They were about to land on the Dippin' Dots Building. Everyone looks down at their town.
Randall: Paradise sure looks beautiful from up here!
Kevin: Indeed!
Bullet: This makes me want to take up skydiving like Peter Griffin.
Gina: Aww, man. Hey, look you guys! We're going to land in the Dippin' Dots building.
Dusty: I sure can go for an ice cream!
Randall: No you fucking retard! That's Fitz's headquarters!
Kevin: Yeah, imagine the looks on their faces when we come in to arrest the Legion of DOOOOOM!
Gina: More important, the looks on their faces when we tell them their great leaders are dead!
Landing on the Dippin' Dots Building, Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin all run inside. Seeing the Dippin Dots building is empty, until they find Karen. Randall runs to Karen to untie her.
Randall: KAREN! I'll untie you!
Kevin: MOM! Who would do this to you?
When Randall is done untying Karen, she tells them her ordeal.
Karen: Oh it was so terrible. Fitz and Brett DeMarco kidnapped me! They sent out some robot clones of themselves to kill you and wreck havoc on the city. They were going to sell me as a prostitute!
Gina: We don't have to worry about those meth dealing twat waffles anymore.
Dusty: Yep, they're dead! They died in the explosion. Boom! Finished! Kaput!
Kevin: Now that we're here, maybe we can clean out the Dippin' Dots Building.
Randall: Exactly what I intend to do and...
Before anyone can do anything, Randall's cellphone rings.
Randall: Hello? Police Chief Randall Crawford.
Voice: Hello, Randall.
Randall: WHO IS THIS?!
Voice: An old friend of yours. You know me! You've seen me!
Randall: I don't know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you are trying to pull...
Voice: You'll find out soon enough! Maybe in a few months, in the meantime I found some new friends coming over for dinner! (laughs evilly)
The voice on the other end hangs up on the phone. Karen, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Kevin look at Randall with concern.
Bullet: Who was it, Randall.
Randall: I have no idea.
Dusty: Well, anyway. Randall was teaching us how to be cowboys.
Karen: I saw everything. Like I had a choice.
Just then Stanley Hopson walks in.
Gina: I think we can call ourselves The Magnificent Seven! Make that Magnificent Ass Busting Seven! (laughs)
Stanley (singing): He's Got The Whole World, In His Hands! He's Got The Whole World, In His Hands!
Kevin: That was beautiful Stanley.
Gina: Let me guess, he got lucky. (rolling her eyes)
Dusty: So Stanley! Tell us all about it!
Randall: NNNOOO! THIS IS THE LAST THING WE NEED!
The voice on the other end was Gerald Fitzgerald the Kingpin. Who was on a motorcycle. Brett DeMarco was on a motorcycle too with Zeta in the passenger seat.
Fitz: Those robot clones were genius! They actually think we're dead!
Brett DeMarco: I know right! You pulled a Silence Of The Lambs on them!
Zeta: So, where to next, Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett.
Fitz: South Dakota! To the Sturgis Bike rally! I wasn't lying that I found some 'friends' over for dinner!
Brett DeMarco: There's lots of druggies there! Floor it!
Fitz: We'll tell some bikers to meet us at Mount Rushmore while we're at it!
On their motorcycles, Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were now on their way to the Sturgis Bike Rally. To lay low for a while then come back to Paradise when everyone least expects it.
THE END
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