Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

May The Pest Cops Win

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

A Paradise PD Crossover with Rick And Morty

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Angst - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2023-02-09 - 8039 words - Complete

Paradise PD and Rick and Morty

Fanfic Title:

May The Pest Cops Win

Before we begin, this will be as I've said in the synopsis a season 4 Paradise PD fanfic. Lovely Corp is around. However, Fitz is still the Kingpin, and the Paradise PD are still cops. Also, I want to add that in this one, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson are on Lovely Corp's side and not Elon Musk and Mike Lindell.

Shall we begin? Let's.

Scene 1:

An announcement comes onto all the televisions, computers, laptops, iphones, Kindles all around the town of Paradise. An old looking man is shown on the screens. It was Charles Lovely the leader of the corporate company Lovely Corp.

Charles Lovely: Attention citizens of Paradise! This is Charles Lovelyyyyyyyy....

The message goes blank for a while then comes back.

Charles Lovely: Thank you, Jeff Bezos for backing me up there. Anyway. As I was saying, everyone in Paradise is invited to a Formal Party in my honor. Who will be there. Some famous social media icons. Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair!

Charles Lovely: Not now, Mark! However there will be some who won't be allowed to attend and that is the Paradise PD Police Department. Everybody else in town is invited! Come one come all! Even you guys, Robbie and Delbert.

Robbie (watching TV): How did he know our names?

Delbert: So what? Who cares! We're going to a rich people's party!

In Lovely Corp, Charles Lovely was getting done having his video message recorded.

Richard Branson: Excellent job!

Jeff Bezos: This plan you have is brilliant!

Charles Lovely: I know! Inviting townspeople to a swanky party so I can brainwash them into working for me!

Jeff Bezos: No wonder you wanted the Paradise PD to stay out.

Charles Lovely: Oh they will. If they know what..

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Higher Hair!

Richard Branson: Shut up with this fucking higher hair!

Charles Lovely: Oh please excuse him. That's the only thing he can say. Do we have everything ready for the party:

Jeff Bezos: Yes we do!

Leading Charles Lovely into the interior room of Lovely Corp, before them was a room filled with a turkey dinner on a golden table, cake, candles, a piano, a bowl of punch, and chandliers on the ceiling.

Jeff Bezos: Won't you take a look at this place!

Richard Branson: It's almost like Liberace did the decorations.

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Higher Hair!

Charles Lovely: This is going to be like a real life verison of The Invitation!

Scene 2:

The Paradise PD has just got done listening to the message Charles Lovely that was sent all over the town. Randall had Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley standing outside the Lovely Corp building.

Randall: They have some nerve not to let us in!

Kevin: Why should we anyway? It's best not to get involved sometimes.

Randall: Didn't you pay attention to the video, Kevin? I didn't trust that Charles Lovely asshole!

Dusty: I didn't either! He could be planning something sinister!

Bullet: For once Dusty is using his brains. I've always thought of him as a fat Charly.

Stanley: You must be talking about Cliff Robertson! He had the best drug orgies in Hollywood!

Gina: If we're not invited to this party. What should we do to get involved?

Randall: Guess we will have to disguise ourselves.

Kevin: Good call, Dad. But as what?

Dusty: I got it!

Bullet: You must be on a luck streak here, Dusty!

Gina: What do you have in mind, handsome?

Dusty: Let's pretend we're pest exterminators!

Kevin: That could work!

Bullet: I think Dusty is onto something! Don't have have pest exterminator costumes from last Halloween.

Randall: Yes we do. Unfortunately all the coveralls say "ACME PEST CONTROL" on them!

Gina: You're right. Nobody will want to hire us or take us seriously with shit like that on our clothes.

Randall: Unless we turn them inside out and we can call ourselves The Paradise Pest Dudes!

Gina: Paradise Pest Dudes! I like that!

Kevin: Oh, we're going to need some mice too!

Bullet: Awesome! I've been collecting mice on the streets so I can train them to do tricks. When they see a mouse in their party, they'll have no choice but to hire us!

Randall: Yes! We'll also put in moths, ants, and other insects too!

Going back to their police cars, the Paradise PD get the coveralls Dusty mentioned and turned them inside out. Now Randall, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Bullet, and Stanley looked like actual pest control employees.

Dusty: So, what do you say? Do we all look like pest exterminators?

Stanley: I killed roaches for Rossano Brazzi in The Light In The Piazza!

Bullet had a box of mice in his hands. Bullet lets go of the other mice and just keeps one. Dusty had a bag of cats.

Randall: What are those cats for? I thought you were banned for life from owning a cat.

Dusty: Only as a last resort if the mice get out of control.

Kevin: Where did you get the cats?

Dusty: In a place where nobody knows me! Diamond City Humane Society!

Bullet: I shall send my best mouse in there! I raised it from birth!

Gina: Shall we do this?

Bullet sends a mouse through a door slot. Then almost the whole town in Paradise enters the Lovely Corp building for the party. Everyone from Camaro Bob, Karen, Anton, Robbie, Delbert, Hobo Cop, Preacher Paul, Chick Ridley, and Dr. Funtlichter. Also showing up is Dusty's father Strawberry Marlowe and the members of the Strawberry Action Squad. Who's members were Leprechaun Made From Rocks, Lt. Fiskers, Johnny Pecs, Wilbur The Karate Wizard, Lenny The Laser Wizard, Kung Fu Kangaroo, Giant Talking Squid, Robot, and Charles Bronson's ghost.

Scene 3:

In a seedy part of town, inside a motel room threes stories high. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were meeting with Sam Brinton. Fitz had a suitcase.

Sam Brinton: Did you get me what I asked for?

Fitz: It's in this suitcase. (hands the suitcase over)

Brett DeMarco: Open it and see for yourself.

Sam Brinton was opening the suitcase Fitz and Brett DeMarco gave to him, and when Sam Brinton looked inside he screamed.

Fitz: Is there a problem?

San Brinton: What the fuck is all this? It looks like broken pieces of women's jewelry.

Brett DeMarco: It's argyle and houndstooth meth.

Sam Brinton: This isn't what I asked for!

Fitz: That's what we assumed you wanted.

Brett DeMarco: Exactly. We give it to all our costumers!

Sam Brinton: I clearly asked you fuckasses to go to the Harry Reid International Airport then to the Minneapolis St Paul Airport and get me some luggage with women's clothing!

Fitz: Okay! Calm the fuck down! We thought you wanted drugs okay? That's what we're used to giving our clients.

Brett DeMarco: You really think we'd go all over the country and back just to get you luggage of women's clothes?!

Fitz: We don't operate that way.

Sam Brinton: Do you at least have the Pup equipment?

Fitz: Bum Equipment? You mean those stupid shirts teenagers wore in the early 90s?

Sam Brinton: NO! NOT BUM! PUP! PUP! PUP! (jumps and yells)

Brett DeMarco: What the fuck is "PUP"!

Sam Brinton looks though the luggage some more and pulls out a gun.

Outside the motel room, a grandfather who resembled a mad scientist and his grandson were inside what looked like a flying saucer. Their names were Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith.


Morty: Hey, Grandpa! What are we doing here. I thought we were going on a space adventure.

Rick: We will soon Morty. Right now I got a crooked business deal to do with Sam Brinton.

Sam Brinton was now chasing Fitz and Brett DeMarco who jumped out of a window in the motel room shooting at them.



When Fitz and Brett DeMarco jumped out of the window, they unknowingly landed on Rick Sanchez's flying saucer. The outer shell got cracked. Which left Rick very angry.

Rick: Those sons of bitches! They broke our flying saucer.

Morty: Who were they?

Sam Brinton: You guys got my luggage and pup equipment?

Rick (hands Sam Brinton a luggage): Yeah yeah yeah. Here! Knock yourself out!


Rick: We can still fly.

Morty: The outer shell is cracked. Won't the wind get in?

Rick: It'll be slower but I got a plan!

Fitz and Brett DeMarco ran far from the motel and were now in an alley. Rick and Morty were flying over Fitz and Brett DeMarco.

Morty: We going to get those guys?

Rick: Oh yes we will! Now is not the right time.

Fitz: Damn! That was too close.

Brett DeMarco: Yeah, remind me never to make a deal with anyone from Joe Biden's cabinet.

Walking down the street back to Dippin' Dots, Fitz and Brett DeMarco have a conversation. Rick and Morty were spying on them.

Fitz: I've been getting fucking sick of doing the same thing over and over.

Brett DeMarco: We have done different things before in the past.

Fitz: That much is true. What I am trying to say is, we must do something that we have never done before.

Brett DeMarco: You'll probably want me to come up with an idea.

Fitz: Didn't you see what happened back there. We escaped on foot from that mother fucker! He was going to shoot us you know! We need to learn how to make better getaways.

Brett DeMarco: I know! Wish we could've brought our limo. Damn! I'm so fucking stupid.

Down the street, Fitz and Brett DeMarco hear some motorcycles miles away.

Fitz: That's it!

Brett DeMarco: That's what?

Fitz: We will take up drag racing!

Brett DeMarco: Awesome! It'll be like fucking Death Race!

Fitz: I'll have Frank, Pedro, Marcos, and Russian Mobster soup up our limo!

Brett DeMarco: We'll practice by racing against those street thugs!

Fitz: We will begin tomorrow night! And no need to practice!

Rick: So those jokers want to go drag racing, hey?

Morty: Maybe we can call Safelite fist? (looks at the cracked shell)

Scene 4:

Inside the Lovely Corp Building. As The guests were enjoying themselves. The Paradise PD snuck inside in the bedroom. Randall and Kevin were in Charles Lovely's bedroom. Randall gets a can of moths.

Randall: Moths! Kevin, put these in the closet!

Kevin: Right Dad!

Randall watches as Kevin throws the moths inside the closet.

Kevin: I did it!

Outside of a window, Dusty and Gina see a cake. Out of the corner of Dusty's eye, he sees his father, Strawberry Marlow.

Dusty: Holy shit, Gina! That's my Diddy!

Gina: You mean your Dad of yours left on a 20 year mission to get Osama Bin Laden?

Dusty: Yes! That's him! I can't believe he's come back!

Gina (sees the Strawberry Action Squad): Who're those losers?

Dusty: Only one way to find out.

Gina (pulls Dusty back): We can't see him right now. We don't want to blow our cover.

Dusty: Maybe I'll surprise him when this is all over.

Gina gets a can of ants and pours them all over the cake.

Dusty (moans): I feel so bad what we have to do with that cake. It's like Empire Of The Ants!

Gina: There's other times for cake, Dusty! I promise you that!

Dusty opens the shirt to his coveralls and some moths and more ants come out.

Gina: Woah! You're making me hot!

Back in Charles Lovely's bedroom. Stanley and Bullet run in.

Bullet: Randall! Kevin! We loaded the bathroom with grasshoppers and put two frogs in the bath tub! Check it out! It's like Lake Placid in there!

Stanley: While on the subject of reptile movies, I played the part of one in The Flying Serpent! I used my penis as a weapon in the flick!

Randall: OKay, awesome! Great work!

Bullet gets a can of ants and puts them on Charles Lovely's bed. Downstairs, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson are on their way to the bedroom without any knowledge that the Paradise PD were there.

Richard Branson: Ohhh, fuck! These shoes are too tight on me!

Jeff Bezos: I suggested you get Zappos. But did you listen, no!

Kevin (hears people come into the bedroom): Someone's coming! We gotta split!

Randall, Kevin, Stanley, and Bullet get the equipment they used in the suitcases together then all jump out the window and meet Dusty and Gina who were outside. Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos have entered the bedroom.

Richard Branson: Get me the right sized shoes!

Jeff Bezos: OKay, Lovely must have some in this closet.

Opening the closet, Jeff Bezos sees a bunch of moths.

Jeff Bezos: You're not going to believe this but the closet is full of moths!

Richard Branson: MOTHS! Oh never mind! I'll wear these shoes anyway!

One of the grasshoppers jumps into Richard Branson's shoes.

Richard Branson: Now my shoes are even more fucked up!

Jeff Bezos: What is it now?

The grasshopper jumps out of his shoes and they both scream.

Jeff Bezos: First moths, now grasshoppers!

Richard Branson: We'll have to tell Charles Lovely we're having an infestation!

Jeff Bezos: He won't like that at all! Come on!

Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos run downstairs.

Jeff Bezos: Everyone! May we have your attention?

Charles Lovely: Where's the fire!

Mark Zuckerberg: Fire? That rhymes with Higher! As in Higher Hair!

Richard Branson: We are having a moth and grasshopper infestation in the bedroom closet.

Robbie: No way? Really?

Delbert: Leave them to us, Robbie and I like to saw off their tweeters!

Charles Lovely: We need to leave this to the professionals!

The Paradise PD hear the commotion about the infestation they started. Then they ring the doorbell and Charles Lovely.

Charles Lovely: Yes?

Randall: We're pest exterminators!

Charles Lovely: No you're not! You're the Paradise PD! You're not on the guest list! Get out!

Kevin: No no! You don't get it. You see we....uhhh...

Bullet: Quit our jobs as police and now we kill bugs for a living.

Gina: Let us in and we'll deal with those twat waffle insects in ways you can never imagine.

Charles Lovely: OKay! Your story checks out! Come on in!

Dusty: Thank you so much! You won't regret this.

Strawberry Marlow: Isn't that my son?

Johnny Pecs: If it is, I feel sorry for you. Look how we turned out.

Strawberry Marlow: Yep, I get you. An obese pest control man. Embarrassing!

Scene 5:

Back in the Dippin' Dots building. Brett DeMarco was watching the 1967 movie Hot Rods From Hell. Fitz walks into the living room.

Fitz: Why are you watching Hot Rods From Hell for?

Brett DeMarco: So we can get tips on how to be the best at drag racing.

Fitz: Turn it off. I got something to tell you!

Brett DeMarco (turns off movie): OKay, I'm all ears. What is it?

Fitz: Frank, Pedro, Marcos, and Russian Mobster have fixed up out limo.

Brett DeMarco: You mentioned that earlier. Your point?

Fitz: That means our limo is already for drag racing! So, instead of watching 1960's racing movies, how about we go out there and do the real thing?

Brett DeMarco: Yeah, you know! Maybe you're right. I'm ready!

Fitz: Bring Zeta with us too. When we win against those other drag racers we'll say to them, Gerald Fitzgerald pops the clutch and tells those mother fuckers to eat his dust! (laughs evilly)

Scene 6:

Back at Lovely Corp, all the other guests discovered some ants and showed them to the Paradise PD.

Camaro Bob: Yeah. We were about ready to get horny and then we discovered all these ants, baby.

Chick Ridley: You guys are here so please DO SOMETHING!

Dr. Funtlichter: Moths and ants? Not good!

Preacher Paul: Infestation! It's the devil's doing!

Hobo Cop: Can I eat some?

Kevin: Absolutely! At your service.

Getting a suitcase filled with pesticides, Kevin opens it then the opening hits Randall in the face.


Kevin: I'm sorry Dad! This suitcase has a mind of it's own!

Randall: No hard feelings, son.

Kevin: Thanks Dad!

Randall: You're welcome! (pulls out a hammer and hits Kevin in the arm with it)


Randall: Get to work!

Entering the ballroom of Lovely Corp, Bullet, Stanley, Gina, Dusty, then Randall and Kevin were soon behind him.

Jeff Bezos: I'm glad you guys are here!

Richard Branson: There's even some ants on the cake.

Mark Zuckerberg (with moths and ants all over him): OH MY! NOW I AM REALLY GETTING HIGHER HAIR!

Karen and Anton run to Randall.

Anton: This party is going to the dogs!

Karen: More like mice! There's even a mouse in here!

Randall: Spread out, people! Kevin and I will do the upstairs!

Gina: Right! Me, Dusty, Bullet and Stanley will do the downstairs!

Dusty: Upstairs Downstairs! I loved that on Sesame Street!

Stanley: That was from Masterpiece Theater, dumbass! Boy that Alistair Cooke had a sex drive like no other!

Karen (to Randall): You didn't really quit your police job to become bug killers?

Randall: Its all an act, just play along!

Karen: But why?

Randall: We can get to the bottom of what Charles Lovelys plan is.

Karen: All right!

Bullet (to Dusty): What did you do to the cats?

Dusty (shows the bag of cats): I still got ' em!

Bullet: You ought to ditch them for now.

Dusty: Good idea.

The mouse runs off in all directions which has Bullet concerned. With the bag of cats Dusty puts them in the piano, Randall and Kevin go upstairs while Gina, Stanley, Bullet and Dusty do their work in the Ballroom.

Scene 7:

Fitz, Zeta, and Brett DeMarco were in their limo. They were on their way to go to the back alley they were at earlier where they saw the motorcycle gang race each other. Rick and Morty were hiding away behind some trash bins.

Morty: Oh boy, Grandpa! Those two thugs who broke our flying saucer are coming!

Rick: The guests of honor have arrived!

Morty: Cool idea you had building those hot rods and the androids who are driving them.

Rick: We will stay here and watch the whole race unfold. Then we will have our revenge on them for breaking our flying saucer!

In the limo.

Zeta: Are we really going to go drag racing, Daddy Fitz!

Fitz: We are, or rather I am.

Zeta: Always wanted to try this. I love all those car chase movies.

Brett DeMarco: You going to race these guys alone?

Fitz: Why of course. You and Zeta can get out of the limo and watch me.

Zeta: If you insist, Daddy Fitz. Uncle Brett and I will watch you.

Brett DeMarco: Don't wear out or strip the gears, I might want to try it next.

Fitz stopped the limo and was greeted by one of the racing androids. It's name was Hymie.

Hymie: Who dares challenge me.

Rick and Morty who were watching, they see Brett DeMarco and Zeta get out of the limo. Fitz does the same.

Fitz: That would be me. Gerald Fitzgerald. Crime boss of Paradise, much feared Meth Kingpin! What's your name?

Hymie: I am Hymie!

Fitz: Like that robot from Get Smart. (laughs)

Hymie: Less laughing! More racing.

Fitz: Exactly what I came here for!

Hymie: Perfect, if you race me and my other androids, you will win a $20,000 prize.

Fitz: Pink Floyd used to say Money Is The Root Of All Evil. I say it's a root of all motivation!

Hymie: Let's get started!

Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and all the other racing androids stood in a line and watched Fitz get into his limo and Hymie get into his hot rod.

Rick: I can almost feel the excitment now!

Morty: Can't wait to see the look on his face when he loses!

Brett DeMarco: Gentlemen! Start your engines.

Rick (laughs) Little do they know they're not 'gentlemen'!

Morty: They'll be even more shocked to find out they're androids you created!

Fitz turns on the engine and the car radio. The Dell Vikings Come And Go With Me begins to play. Hymie turns on the engine in his car.

Brett DeMarco: Fifties music?! Fucking fifties music?!!! Seriously! What is this, Daddy-O all of the sudden. Zeta, tell them to start the race.

Zeta: On your mark, get set....GO!

Not before long, Fitz was racing against Hymie neck and neck. Hymie was speeding in front of Fitz.

Hymie: Way ahead of you pathetic little cock licker! You'll never beat me!

Fitz: You so sure of yourself there, hey? Well, I don't think so!

Pushing a button, Fitz shifts the gears and the limo begins to speed up.


Hymie was now way far behind Fitz and struggles to catch up.

Fitz: You Ain't First! You're LAST! (evilly cracks up)

Hymie was shocked at how Fitz's limo was faster than his hot rod. Fitz makes a fast spin and drives back to the alley way.

Brett DeMarco: YEAH! You did it, Fitz! You did it!

Fitz: I'm going to be the best racer in all of Paradise.

Zeta: You were awesome back there, Daddy Fitz. That prize money is as good as yours.

Morty: Holy fuck, Grandpa. I thought you programed those hot rods to win.

Rick: He's still got three more androids to race against.

Morty (looks at Zeta): Wonder who she is. Maybe I can ask her out?

Rick: Let's just focus on the races, first.

Hymie (gets out of hot rod and talks to Fitz): You may have beat me, but you'll never meet my minions!

Three more androids came to Fitz. They're names were Sport, Trick, and Slim.

Sport: You're racing me, next.

Fitz: You're on!

Scene 8:

In the bedroom, Randall and Kevin were getting rid of the moths they had put in the closet.

Randall: That takes care of the moths. Kevin, kill those grasshoppers and frogs Bullet put in the bathroom.

Kevin: OKay, Dad!

Going into the bathroom, Kevin sees the grasshoppers and frogs.

Kevin: Hmm, now how can I go about this without killing them? Hey, I know!

Grabbing the grasshoppers and frogs, Kevin throws them out the window.

Kevin: You're free grasshoppers and frogs! You're free. Now live life to the fullest.


Kevin: Oh, nobody Dad! Just killing some frogs and grasshoppers.

Randall: I hope so. We need to find out what Charles Lovely's huge plan is.

Kevin: Right Dad!

Downstairs in the ballroom of Lovely Corp. The party was going on. Gina was killing the ants, Bullet was trying to look for the mouse.

Bullet: SHIT! If I don't find that mouse I am dead fucking meat!

Dusty had his eyes on the cake. As he was about to eat it. His Dad Strawberry Marlow walks up to him.

Strawberry Marlow: Dusty, my boy!

Dusty: Diddy! Is that really you?

Strawberry Marlow: Yes it is. I can see you have a hankering for that cake. Leave some for others you know.

Dusty: I know that, Daddy. So where have you been all this time? (looks at his Action Squad) Who are they?

Strawberry Marlow: These are my Strawberry Action Squad, anyway we were on a 20 year mission in Iraq....

Before Dusty and Strawberry can catch up any further, Stanley drags him away.

Stanley: Want to expose us? Trying to ruin us on purpose?

Dusty: No! I wanted to....

Stanley: Help us kill these ants and shut up!

Strawberry Marlow: Great party you have here, Mr. Lovely.

Charles Lovely: Oh yes thank you so much!

Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, and Gina all got done killing the ants and moths. Randall and Kevin come join them all downstairs.

Randall: We have killed the moths!

Kevin: And the grasshoppers and other insects too!

Everyone gave a round of applause for the Paradise PD. That was until Karen screamed.

Kevin: Mom! What is it?


Gina: We're about to kill Mickey!

Bullet: That's where it was!

Randall: Calm down everyone. That mouse is as good as gone!

Stanley, Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Bullet were all running trying to look for the mouse. Dusty swallows the cake whole.

Dusty: There were ants in them anyway. (runs to join Bullet, Kevin, Stanley, Randall, and Gina)


Jeff Bezos: No problem. This party will go on with pies. We didn't need a cake.

Charles Lovely: Mark Zuckerberg! Go get some pies!

Mark Zuckerberg (carrying 12 pies): Pie-er Hair!

Scene 9:

In the back alleys, Fitz was getting ready to race the android named Sport. Back in his limo, Fitz was eyeing Sport in a spitefull manner.

Sport (to Fitz): Hey you! Gotta street name?

Brett DeMarco (to Sport): His name is Black Suit, Yo!

Fitz: Yeah! Call me Black Suit! At least my street name isn't the same one as the pimp from Taxi Driver.

Brett DeMarco goes back with Zeta, and the androids Hymie, Trick, and Slim.

Zeta: On your mark, get set....GO!

Fitz and Sport raced off into the alley. Sport begins to bump into Fitz. Rick and Morty were watching from behind the trash cans.

Rick: Good Good! Run that black asshole off the fucking road!

Morty: Sport ought to hit the gas tank and send him flying.

Getting fed up with being bumped into by Sport with a Hot Rod, Fitz uses his secret weapon. Shifting the gears and pressing the button installed, Fitz once again beats his opponent Sport with his super speed on his limo. Sport begins to spin out and falls into a corner.


Zeta: Daddy Fitz wins again!



Morty: I got it. Why not program the androids to challenge Black Suit to race against, two!

Rick: Morty I am so proud to have you as my grandson.

Pushing a remote. Hymie now orders Slim and Trick to race against Fitz.

Hymie: SLIM! TRICK! Now you both race against Black Suit.

Slim and Trick: Right boss!

Twenty minutes later, Fitz has beaten both Slim and Trick. Rick and Morty are getting fed up with their defeat.

Rick: That's it! We're challenging that son of a bitch ourselves!

Morty: No Grandpa no!

Rick: Yes! Morty: Go get the flying saucer.

Morty: OKay!

Fitz walks out of his limo victoriously and confronts Hymie.

Hymie: What the fuck do you want.

Fitz: You going to admit I'm better than you and I'm the fastest motherfucker in all of Paradise!

Right before them, Slim, Hymie, Trick, and Sport all explode.

Brett DeMarco: The fuck!

Zeta: What's with the explosions?

Fitz (picks up broken pieces): They were androids! Somebody was fucking with us!

Rick: You guessed correctly, Black Suit.

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all turn around to see Rick and Morty.

Zeta: Have I seen you guys somewhere on Adult Swim.

Rick: Yes! I'm Rick Sanchez!

Morty: I'm Morty Smith. My Grandpa here was the one who made those androids you raced again!

Rick: I even built the Hot Rods!

Fitz: We don't even know you! And you think you can pull on over on me!

Rick: At the seedy motel where Sam Brinton was you fuckers jumped on my flying saucer.

Brett DeMarco: Now we get it.

Zeta: Don't do anything to us, please!

Morty: That's right, and Grandpa wanted to get back at you.

Fitz: You made me race against your androids. Perhaps we'll race against you. Sound good.

Rick: YEAH! BRING IT ON! We'll destroy your anuses for what you did to my flying saucer.

Brett DeMarco grabs Morty and puts him into the limo.

Morty: Grandpa! HELP!

Brett DeMarco: Shut up, shitface!

Rick: You're kidnapping my Grandson!

Zeta: Yes we did! Hopefully Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett will let me beat him up!

Fitz (hands Rick a piece of paper): Meet us here at this address. If you want Morty back! You'll have to race me at this exact location!

Rick: Fine! I'll do it to it! I will win!

Fitz: If you do win, you'll get Morty back!

Rick: If I lose?

Brett DeMarco: Then you'll have to pay me and Fitz $20,000 GRAND!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta drive off into the limo with Morty in tow.


Scene 10:

At a secret room inside the Dippin Dots building. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were playing Connect 4. They had Morty in their custody. Morty was tied to a chair and ranting at his captors.

Brett DeMarco: HA! Looks like I beat you at Connect 4 again, Fitz!

Fitz: Oh, you see. You're mistaken. I actually got you, diagonally!

Brett DeMarco: (laughs) Pretty sneaky Fitz.

Morty: You bastards! You have no idea what my Grandpa is capable of! He'll beat you guys at drag racing and...

Fitz and Brett DeMarco (together): FUCK YOU!

Morty: My Grandpa will come to save me and he'll have you both thrown in prison! Do you know what they do to people who kidnap kids in the slammer....

Brett DeMarco: How in the hell are we going to shut this fucker up?!

Fitz: Listen to him yammer on! He's worse than that Vanessa girl from Cradle 2 The Grave.

Morty: You ought to feel ashamed of youselves and....

Fitz: I know! We'll get Zeta to beat him up!

Brett DeMarco: Excellent idea. She can get away with beating him up, but we can't.

Fitz: That's a harsh fact there, we're not exactly Erlich Bachman from Silicon Valley!

Brett DeMarco: ZETA!

Zeta (enters the room): What's going on, Uncle Brett.

Brett DeMarco: This little fuck ass keeps running his mouth at us!

Fitz: Would you like to shut him up for us!

Zeta (turns to Morty): Sure I will.

Morty: No! No! No! Get away!

Zeta: I'll enjoy this! Hope you like being bitch slapped!

Morty was yelling and screaming when Zeta began to beat on him.

Fitz and Brett DeMarco: YEAH! GO ZETA!

When Zeta was done punching, slapping, and kicking Morty, Fitz and Brett DeMarco clap for her.

Morty (slurring): Too bad you're such a mean bitch! I was going to go out with you!

Zeta delivered another slap across Morty's face.

Fitz: Thank you Zeta!

Brett DeMarco: We taught you too well.

Zeta: I loved doing this! You guys should've seen how I used to beat on bullies at my old school!

When Zeta leaves the room, Fitz and Brett DeMarco go forward with their plan.

Morty: You're teaching that poor girl to be a criminal.

Fitz: Want us to get Zeta again? (raises his fist)

Morty (gulps): NO!

Scene 11:

The mouse was on the loose. It caused a whole commotion at the Lovely Corp Dinner Party. Randall tries to catch it.

Randall: SHIT! Slipped right out of my hands.

Kevin (tries to catch mouse): I thought this would be easy to catch a mouse! Those Pokemon animes and games lied to me!

Camaro Bob: Maybe you ought to try some cheesy weed, baby!

Chick Ridley: I have a flash camera you can try to blind.

Gina: Hey! We'll do the exterminating around here!

Bullet: Get it! Gina! Get it!

Gina tries to stomp on the mouse but it was too fast for even her.

Bullet: This mouse has a mind of it's own! Wait! I think I might have some D-Con.

Then Stanley tried to catch the mouse and it ran off. Now the mouse is running under all the guests.

Charles Lovely: You losers! You failed to catch that mouse!

Jeff Bezos: Some exterminators you all turned out to be!

Richard Branson: No fucking shit! I'm cancel culturing you all! What do you think about these incompetant exterminators, Mark?

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair! Higher Hair! That mouse needs Higher Hair!

Dusty: Everybody stop!

Randall: Dusty! What can you do?

Kevin: You won't get the mouse anymore than we can.

Gina: The little twat waffle even got away from me.

Dusty: Just trust me on this! (digs into his bag and get a hammer) I'll do it with my little hammer.

Stanley (scoffs): Good luck with that.

Dusty: I shall call this hammer, "Trusty Dusty!"

Strawberry Marlow: That's my son all right. Never thinks things though and fucks things up!

Wilbur The Karate Wizard: From what you told us about him, you are absolutely right!

Robot: Are we just going to get one liners in this fanfic?

Giant Talking Squid (sighs): Afraid so.

Dusty now had the mouse in his sights. The mouse went over the jumped onto Karen's foot without her knowing.

Karen: You see Anton, I says to..

Dusty crawled on the floor and tried to hit the mouse on Karen's foot, but instead the mouse jumps onto Anton's foot and Dusty uses the hammer and hits Karen's foot.


Dusty: Sorry, Karen! The mouse was on your foot.

Anton (sees the mouse): Now it's on mine!

Dusty tries to hit the hammer on the mouse but it jumps away and Dusty ends up hitting Anton on the foot instead.

Anton: NNNNEEEEEIIIIIINNNNN! You Backpfeifengesicht!

Dusty: Sorry! It's the mouse I'm after!

Robbie and Delbert raid the cabinets trying to look for drugs. The mouse lands on Delbert's foot.

Delbert: Usually at swanky parties like this there's drugs.

Robbie: I know right! Where the fuck do they keep them?

Dusty hits the hammer on Delbert's foot as the mouse gets away, then the mouse jumps over to Robbie and Dusty then hits Robbie on the foot with a hammer.

Robbie: AAAWWWW!!

Delbert: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!


Kevin: Hey, Dad. While Dusty is getting the mouse, we ought to see what Lovely Corp's bigger plan is.

Randall: Now's not the time. As soon as Dusty gets the mouse, whenever that will be....then we'll get into action.

Chick Ridley (on his cellphone): Yes this will be a great story for the press and....

The mouse jumps on Chick Ridley's foot and gets away again then Dusty hits Chick Ridley's foot with the hammer.

Chick Ridley: OOUUCCCHHH! YOU DUMBASS SON OF A BITCH! Oh, not you. Not you.

Bullet: After everything I've done for that mouse, it goes off and defies me!

Gina: No offense Bullet, but you sound like one of those abusive parents from those HBO Drama shows.

The mouse ran off again and was now running over to Dr. Funtlichter.

Dr. Funtlichter: If anyone here has a broken foot, come to me! There's a doctor in the house and..

Dusty hits Dr. Funtlichter now on the foot with a hammer.


The mouse jumped into Richard Branson's shirt.

Kevin: Dusty! The mouse jumped into that dude's clothes.

Randall: Don't even bother, Kevin.

Richard Branson: I feel something moving in my shirt.

The mouse inside Richard Branson's clothes was making him itch and move around as if he were dancing.


Dusty: Sorry about my hammer Trusty Dusty everyone.

Kevin: Never mind that! Richard Branson is dancing!

Bullet: Maybe we can coax the mouse out of him!

Joining Richard Branson, Bullet, Kevin, and Dusty all sing and dance around him.

Bullet, Kevin, and Dusty (singing and dancing): And a one....and a two..and ho! It's such a hidey ho! It's such a hidey ho! It's such a hidey ho! Hoo Cha Cha Cha! Hoo Cha Cha Cha!

Richard Branson manages to get the mouse out of his clothes then the mouse runs over to the piano.

Bullet: Good! The mouse is out, go get it.

Kevin: It's gone I'm afraid.

Scene 12:

Charles Lovely now has an annoucement.

Randall: The mouse! What about that mouse!

Charles Lovely: Let it go for now. Tonight here at Lovely Corp. One of our very own Mark Zuckerberg is a classically acommplished pianist.

Gina: More like classically accomplished penis head.

Mark Zuckerberg sits down at the piano.

Charles Lovely: For your pleasure, Mark Zuckerberg here will play the Blue Danube. Hit it.

Kevin: Holy fuck!

Dusty: What is it?

Kevin: You put the cats in that piano didn't you?

Dusty: Oooooh! I did! Now what?!

Mark Zuckerberg (sings as he plays): Higher...Higher....Hair!

The cats inside the piano sing, "MEOW! MEOW MEOW! MEOW!"

Bullet: This is going to end badly for us.

The mouse ran inside the piano. Mark Zuckerberg was about to play more notes then the cats inside go insane as they were trying to catch the mouse. One of the cats jumps onto Mark Zuckerberg's face. Then one by one the cats jump out of the piano.

Mark Zuckerberg (cat stuck on face): HIGHER HAIR! HIGHER HAIR! HIGHER HAIR! (runs around) HIGHER HAIR! HIGHER HAIR! HIGHER HAIR!

Randall: Why is it every plan to bring down criminals never turns out for us!

Gina: Your guess is as good as mine.

Kevin: Should we get out of here?

Bullet: If we leave we'll never know what their evil plan is.


Dusty (sobs): Diddy doesn't love me!

Robbie: HA HA! Dusty's Daddy hates him!

Delbert: At least our Daddy loves us!

Kevin: We need to do something.

Stanley: While they're all distracted, we can do some investigating. Just like Boston Blackie!

One of the cats tears off the coveralls that Kevin was wearing and underneath there was the Paradise PD Police Uniform.

Charles Lovely: A-HA! You guys aren't pest exterminators!

Jeff Bezos: You're the Paradise PD!

Richard Branson: We banned you from this party for a reason!

Robbie: Yeah! We thought there was something strange about them!

Delbert: Kick them all in the nads!

Randall pulls out a gun and holds the party at gunpoint as Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty joined him and did the same.

Scene 13:

Rick drove his flying saucer with the outer shell still cracked from when Fitz and Brett DeMarco had jumped onto before. He drives to a bank and walks in.

Bank Teller: How may I help you, sir!

Rick takes out some sleeping gas then puts on a gas mask and knocks out all the bank tellers.

Bank Teller: Uhhh, sir? What's going on here?

Then Rick breaks into the vault with a laser gun and takes out $20,000. Running back to the flying saucer, Rick flies away. Fitz and Brett DeMarco were waiting for Rick to show up. Zeta and Morty were there. Morty had his hands tied behind his back and a blindfold.

Fitz: That flying saucer of his don't stand a chance against my built in gears!

Brett DeMarco (sees Rick in flying saucer): Oh there he comes now!

Morty: Good! Now my Grandpa will.

Zeta (slaps Morty): Quiet your mouth you!

Rick (lands flying saucer): Okay I got your $20,000. Will you release Morty now?

Fitz: (throws Morty to Rick): We won't be needed you anymore!

Rick unties Morty.

Morty: Thank you for saving my ass back there!

Rick: Hey, unlike Jerry, Beth, and Summer at least I got your back!

Brett DeMarco: Now you will hold up to your other end of the deal.

Rick: What is it?

Fitz: You will race against me!

Rick You're on!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all get inside the limo while Rick and Morty get inside the flying saucer. Rick started the engine on his flying saucer, then Fitz started the engine on his limo! The race begins!

Rick: We're sending your asses to jail after this!

Fitz: You'll never succeed!


Fitz: Brett, put on a little mood music!

Brett DeMarco: The honor is mine!

Turning on the limo radio, Foghat's Slow Ride plays. Rick is flying ahead of Fitz.

Morty: YEAH! YEAH! Show them what you got, Grandpa!

Rick: I'm going to run these drug dealer bastards off the road!

Fitz: Damn! They're going to beat us!

Brett DeMarco: Try putting it in fourth gear!

Zeta: Floor it!

Fitz shifted the gears into fourth gear and floored on the pedal. Now Fitz was in the lead.

Rick: Son of a bitch!

Morty: We'll never beat them now!

Brett DeMarco: How about we throw something at them?

Fitz: Good idea, Brett. Why not throw that wrench at their shell!

Zeta: Oh boy! Now we'll really win!

Brett DeMarco (picks up wrench): Hey, Rick and Morty! I'm about to throw a 'monkey wrench' into your pathetic lives!

Throwing the wrech proved succeessful. Brett DeMarco threw the wrench at the flying saucer which caused it to break the outer shell into pieces. Rick and Morty crash land! Fitz is the victor!

Fitz: Damn! This drag racing thing is the best thing we've ever done!

Brett DeMarco: Now we can make better getaways now!

Zeta: Not only that, it's very fun to ride!

Picking themselves up, Rick and Morty accept their defeat.

Morty: The kicked our asses, Grandpa. We never lose.

Rick: Well, you win some! You lose some! That's life for you.

Morty: You know, they did kidnap me. Maybe you can report them to the local police here?

Rick: That won't be worth it, in fact....

Getting out a portal gun, Rick shoots it and a green portal appears.

Rick: Let's just go home.

Morty: Maybe it's all for the best.

Rick: It will be. This particular green portal erases bad memories so when we get back, we won't remember a thing that happened here during our time in Paradise Georgia.

Morty: I thought this place was in Illinois.

Rick: Where Ever, whatever.

Jumping into the green portal, Rick and Morty return home.

Scene 14 (Conclusion):

Back at Lovely Corp, the Paradise PD had all the party guests as well as Charles Lovely, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Richard Branson at gunpoint.

Charles Lovely: What is the meaning of this!

Randall: It's your local authories! The Paradise PD!

Kevin: We want to know why you guys built your enterprise here.

Jeff Bezos: We'll never tell!

Richard Branson: Think we're going to tell you! Mark Zuckerberg escort them out!

Mark Zuckerberg (walks over to the Paradise PD): Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Higher Hair!

Gina kicks Mark Zuckerberg and sends him flying backwards.

Dusty: Nicely done, Gina. Now tell us what your plan is here in our town?

Bullet: We were working undercover! We only pretended to be exterimantors!

Stanley: Precisely! Like when I went undercover for the G-Men in the 1930s!

Randall: We were the ones who planted those insects!

Kevin: Yes, we planted the moths, frogs, ants, grasshoppers, everything!

Bullet: I planted the mouse! Where is that little scoundrel?

Outside the Lovely Corp building, Dusty's cats were eating Bullet's mouse.

Gina: Now that we have you all at gun point! Tell us your plan of suffer.

Charles Lovely: All right. Fine. You win. Our plan to put our business here in Paradise is....tell them Jeff and Richard.

Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos go over to the food table and get the pies. Camaro Bob, Chick Ridley, Karen, Anton, Dr. Funtluchter, Strawberry Marlow, Robbie, Delbert, Hobo Cop, Preacher Paul, Leprechaun Made From Rocks, Lt. Fiskers, Johnny Pecs, Wilbur The Karate Wizard, Lenny The Laser Wizard, Kung Fu Kangaroo, Giant Talking Squid, Robot, and Charles Bronson's ghost.

Strawberry Marlow: Where are they going with this?

Charles Lovely (grabs a pie): Our big plan for our company in this town is.......PIE FIGHT!

Throwing the pie at the Paradise PD, they make their exit. Karen runs out too to join them. Although they left the party before they were going to get pies thrown at them, the Paradise PD stood outside and watched.

Dusty: No fair! Did we really have to leave? I always wanted to be in a pie fight!

Randall: Why? So you can be like Bluto from Animal House?

Kevin: Mom! Glad you came out.

Karen: I know. I didn't want to be around for that.

Gina: Now that we're outta there, we can watch them all kill each other!

Bullet: You're right, Gina. I'm in the mood for some blood shed, or should I say whipped cream shed!

The pie fight escalated out of control. Charles Lovely got a pie in his face.

Charles Lovely: Can I have your atten... (pie splat)

Richard Branson: We were supposed to throw them at the guests and.... (pie splat)

Jeff Bezos: Oh no! (pie splat)

Hobo Cop was going around eating the pie pieces.

Robbie: Come on, Delbert let's grab a pie and throw it at....

Delbert and Robbie both get pies in their faces.

Camaro Bob (laughs): You forgot to duck, babies! (laughs)

Robbie and Delbert (grab pies): SO DID YOU! (splats pie at Camaro Bob)

Chick Ridley: Now see..... (pie splat)

Dr. Funchtlicer: This isn't doctor's (pie splat)

Stawberry Marlow decides to take a stand.

Kung Fu Kangaroo: We need to stop this boss.

The Strawberry Action Squad members Leprechaun Made From Rocks, Lt. Fiskers, Johnny Pecs, Wilbur The Karate Wizard, Lenny The Laser Wizard, Kung Fu Kangaroo, Giant Talking Squid, Robot, and Charles Bronson's ghost all get pies in their faces as well.

Strawberry Marlow: (pie splat) If we're going to play! (walks over to a wall lever) We're going to play by my rules!

Once Strawberry Marlow pulled down the wall lever the whole pie fight slows down gradually and everyone was fighting each other with pies in slow motion. Some were even flying around.

Gina (cracks up): They're now all slower than fucking porn star sperm.

Dusty: You're right, Gina! Look at 'em all! Flying in mid air! It's like Moon Zero Two!

Randall: Let's go back to police headquarters.

Kevin laughs when he sees Anton get a pie splat.

Bullet: Bet that was fun for you to see.

Kevin: Oh yes.

Karen: It's pretty obvious Lovely Corp didn't have some evil intentions.

Randall: So you're saying it was a waste?

Karen: No not at all. Actually yes.

Randall: Here we thought Lovely Corp was going to do some evil plan on this town.

Kevin: And in the end, we realized there was so much thing.

Bullet: Maybe it's best to leave Lovely Corp alone.

Gina: That's true. Besides we have more important crimes to solve.

Dusty: Fitz is still the Kingpin you know.

Bullet: What do we do now?

Randall: Go back to headquarters I guess.

Dusty: Hmmm, want to know something y'all. I don't think I like my Diddy anymore.

Gina: I have a shitty father too. That's something we can bond over, hey.

Dusty: Yep.

Kevin: You're right about your Dad, Dusty. Why doesn't he stop the pie fight.

Bullet: Instead he's just making it worse.

Randall: Who cares. What did we all expect, an Eternal Reckoning!

Then a bolt of lightning appears and four clones that look like Charles Lovely, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Richard Branson appear before them.

Charles Lovely Clone: TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER!

Stanley: Holy fuck! What is this? Phantom Creeps!

Kevin: They're in there!

The Charles Lovely, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Richard Branson clones all go inside the Lovely Corp building and terrorize everyone inside. Screams filled out the ballroom. The Paradise PD all head to their squad cars and headed back to headquarters. Then they all sing a song.

Randall, Kevin, Karen, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley (singing): We paved the way in Lovely Corp. We thought we'd try to help some more. And now we tell you face to face my friends. You got it! You have it, The End!

Then Kevin and Dusty splat pies in Randall's face. Gina, Stanley, Karen, and Bullet all laugh.

Randall: GOD DAMMIT!

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