Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

Justifiable Lies

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

On a boring rainy day, the Paradise PD want to watch a B Movie.

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2023-04-14 - 7279 words - Complete

A/N: This is another Season 4 AU Paradise PD fanfic. This fanfic is also inspired by some Family Guy episodes.

Paradise PD

Fanfic Title

Justafiable Lies

by: Trenton Sands

Scene 1:

For five days straight, the town of Paradise is enduring a rain storm that seems to have no end in sight. Stuck inside Police Headquarters, Randall wants to try to make the most of it.

Randall: This fucking rain! Why won't it let up!

Kevin: Well, at least we still have our WI-Fi and power.

Randall: Worst part about this is, there hasn't even been any crime since this rainstorm hit.

Dusty: Guess even bad guys need some time off! Am I right?

Gina: Yeah, we can't even bust any punks.

Bullet: It's so rainy out you can't even light a match to smoke crack!

Stanley: If it begins to flood, it'll be like The Great Mississippi in 1927 all over again.

Gina: We need to do something but WHAT!

Randall: I know! We all like B-Movies here right?

Gina, Kevin, Dusty, Stanley, and Bullet: YEAH!

Randall: I was thinking since we're going to be stuck here a while, how about we watch one!

Kevin: Good thinking Dad. It'll be a good way to pass the time!

Bullet (looks around his fur): Shit! I forgot my psychedelic mushrooms!

Dusty: What movie shall we see?

Randall: Why not a really bad rock opera?

Gina: How about Repo The Genetic Opera?

Randall: Nah, I was thinking Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band!

Bullet: That one with the Bee Gees? Awesome! Dammit! What a time to forget my psychedelic mushrooms.

Gina: Forget the mushrooms, you don't need those to watch the movie.

Kevin: Now all we need to do it find the movie on streaming services.

Randall, Stanley, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Kevin will try to find Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Band on the streaming services with their devices. First Hulu.

Dusty: Awww, I can't find it on Hulu!

Randall: Let's try Starz!

Bullet: Nope, not on there, either!

Randall: Well then try Paramount Plus.

Gina: Nope.

Randall: FUCK! Okay, Fubo!

Kevin: Not on Fubo either Dad.

After trying all the streaming services, Bullet then has a suggegstion.

Bullet: FreeVee! They ought to have it.

Randall tries FreeVee and no sign of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Dusty: We'll never find it.

Gina: I got it! Amazon Prime! Or Philo, Fubo, or Tubi.

After 15 minutes of trying to find the movie, there was no sign of it on any place they've tried.

Randall: SON OF A BITCH! What does it take to see a laugh out loud B-Movie around here?

Stanley: Let's have a backup plan! Instead how about we watch Some Like It Hot? I roofied Tony Curtis and Jack Lemon!

Kevin: No! None of that old timey shit. Something modern and more with the times.

Bullet: I know! How about we watch Cocaine Bear!

Dusty: Yeah you would like that, wouldn't you? Even better, I heard One Eyed Wally has a movie!

Randall: NO! I have my heart set on Sgt. Pepper and......

The TV turns on and there was a commercial for the Make A Wish Foundation. Randall eyes the TV.

Bullet: Those new channels always show this charity crap! Yes we get it, you want money to exploit dying kids!

Randall: Dying'S IT! (pounds fist) I think I know a way we can see Sgt Pepper! Kevin, my boy, come with me.

Kevin: What a shocker. You need me for something.

Randall: Come in the car with me, I'll explain on the way. Rest of you, stay here and try not to kill each other.

Kevin and Randall were walking to one of the police cars.

Scene 2:

Randall was driving to the Make A Wish Foundation.

Kevin: Where are we going, Dad? Lovely Corp?

Randall: No, not that stupid ass place! To the Make A Wish Foundation! That commercial gave me some inspiration.

Kevin: But we don't know any kid who has a disease.

Randall: Zip it, Kevin! You still look like a teenager from what I can see.

Kevin: Have an ulterior motive for this?

Randall: Yes! As a matter of fact I do. I'm going to pretend that you are my dying teenage son. Then these people will feel sorry for us then you will say your last dying wish is to see the Sgt Pepper movie, get what I'm saying.

Kevin: Yeah I do. Always dragging me along to fulfill your dreams.

Randall: You force me along to your stupid ass Sci-Fi Conventions! So you owe me!

Kevin and Randall made it to the Make a Wish Foundation. Getting out of the car, Randall has a can of shaving cream.

Randall: Pull down your pants, Kevin.

Kevin pulls down his pants, and Randall squirts the shaving cream at Kevin's penis.

Randall: This is the best plan I've ever had!

Kevin: What exactly is my disease?

Randall: Puffball Penis Bacteria. There's no known cure.

Kevin: You got that from the Blues Brothers 2000.

Randall and Kevin enter the building. Randall has Kevin sit in a wheelchair that was in the main office. They meet the receptionist there.

Receptionist: May I help you?

Randall: Yeah, I have a dying teenage son, who do I go the meet the manager.

Receptionist: First door to your left.

Randall: Thank you!

Wheeling Kevin down the meet the manager of Make A Wish, Randall enters the room.

Manager: Good evening.

Randall: Yeah, it's good to meet you. My name is Randall Crawford. I have a dying teen son.

Kevin (coughs): That's me.

Manager: Oh my. He doesn't look too good. What is his disease?

Randall: Puffball Penis Bacteria.

Kevin (coughs): I'm going to die soon.

Randall: It's a very very rare condition.

Manager: I can see. Very sad case you're dealing with here. (To Kevin): Hey buddy.

Kevin (coughs): Hey.

Manager: If you can have one wish before you pass away what would it be?

Kevin: I wanna see (coughs) a movie.

Manager: It can be any movie you want. What shall it be for you, young man?

Kevin (coughs) Sgt Peppers.....

Manager: Oh that one! I know which one you mean! That rock opera with covers of Beatles songs. Came out in 1978.

Randall: That's the one.

Manager: Good deal here. We'll mail you the copy to your house. All we need is your address.

Randall: No problem there.

When Kevin and Randall give the manager their home address.

Manager: Okay, all set. So it's settled. Your movie will be delivered to your mailbox tomorrow.

Kevin: Thank you (coughs)

Randall: You won't believe how much this means to us.

Manager: I'm sure it does. Sorry for your misery. Whoops! I mean sad unforunate situation.

Randall: You never know! I might be back soon, I got some police officers who work for me! Always wanted to see more rare B-Movies from the 1970s on DVD! Who knows, maybe next I'd like to watch The Bed That Eats!

As the Manager shook hands with Randall. He and Kevin exit the Make A Wish Foundation building and drive back home.

Scene 3:

Fitz and Brett DeMarco were looking around Lovely Corp. Then the evil duo see an Art Museum inside the building called Lovely Museum of Fine Art.

Charles Lovely: Hello! I am Charles Lovely! May I show you around this museum?

Fitz: Think we can find our own way!

Brett DeMarco: Who do you think we are? Dumbasses?

Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Mark Zuckerberg were at a food truck inside the building. Charles Lovely comes up to them.

Charles Lovely: What are we cooking for the guests today?

Richard Branson: Grillied pythons!

Jeff Bezos: All these guests will think they're eating salmon! What do you think about this, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair! Higher Hair! I need a Higher Hairnet!

Charles Lovely: Who asked you anyway.

Fitz: Nothing delights me more than to see all this fine art.

Brett DeMarco: I'm loving these nude lady statues!

Fitz: We're not here for that, Brett. We're trying to find something that can suck out souls.

Brett DeMarco: Great! That sort of thing doesn't exist, where are we going to find something like that?

Fitz sees a Lovely Corp Jewelry Store straight ahead of them and points in the direction.

Brett DeMarco: There's a Jewelry Store here?

Fitz: Maybe we can find a pendent and use it on an Indian Burial Ground.

Brett DeMarco: All right, you're on.

The guests at the museum were eating the grilled pythons that Charles Lovely was serving them. Entering the Jewelry Store, Fitz and Brett DeMarco see necklaces, bracelets, rings, earrings, and anklets. Brett DeMarco has his eyes set on a biracial Chinese girl who was working the counter. Her name was Rita.

Rita: How may I help you fine gentlemen today?

Brett DeMarco: Wow! Check it out! A Biracial Slam Piece, dead ahead.

Fitz: Hey, this is no time to fall in love right now.

Brett DeMarco: Okay sorry. A buddy of mine who works at my pharmeceutical company send me a bunch of Loation porn and now every girl I look at I imagine throwing onto a table.

Fitz: You are one twisted sick mother fucker, Brett. That's why as I always tell you, you are the best man on my team!

Brett DeMarco (walks over to counter): Hey, uh....Rita? I bet lots of rich millionaires come in and hit on you all the time, hey? So, does that happen a lot?

Rita: That happens sometimes, did you want to look at something?

Brett DeMarco: Already am! (points to a ring): Can I try that on?

Rita: Good taste! That's our finest men's ring.

The ring that Brett picked out was a mens diamond ring.

Brett DeMarco: Let's see if it comes off if I ski in Aspen. (jumps back and forth.) Perfect.

Fitz: Brett, what the fuck are you doing?

Brett DeMarco: Just play along, okay?

Rita: I may be a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.

Brett DeMarco: I'll take the ring! (takes out his credit card) And your phone number too!

Rita inserts the credit card into the register and gives Brett DeMarco her card for the store with her number on it.

Brett DeMarco: Oh boy! Thank you so much!

Fitz grabs Brett DeMarco by the shoulder of his suit.

Rita: Call me!

Fitz: That ring is $10,000! What do you think the outcome will be from all of this?

Brett DeMarco: Relax, Fitz!

Fitz and Brett DeMarco both see a sign that says 72 Hour Returns Full Refund that Brett uses his thumb to point at.

Brett DeMarco: I'll just bring the ring back when she's not working and....

Fitz: No No No No No! This is no time to be impressing women! We are going to use that ring to turn it into a soul sucking gadget.

Brett DeMarco: Once a killjoy, always a killjoy.

Fitz: Trust me, Brett, you'll be happy once we can use that ring to steal souls! (laughs evilly)

Scene 4:

At the Crawford family house, Randall was getting ready to invite the Paradise PD over to watch Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band movie. Randall was in a great mood and Karen walks in into the living room.

Karen: Wow, Randall! This is totally out of character for you to be so happy.

Randall: Why shouldn't I be, Karen? There's nothing like movie night at the Crawford house, won't you say?

A doorbell rings and Karen gets it, it was a delivery man.

Karen: May I help you, sir?

Delivery Man: Uhhh, yes. DVD package for Randall Crawford?

Randall: That's me! Do I need to sign anything.

Delivery Man: Just here, here, and here!

Randall signed the papers the delivery man gave to him and the delivery man makes his departure.

Delivery Man: Have a nice day, and my condolences.

Randall: Thank you!

Karen: My condolences? Oh no! Is someone dying? Is it my Mom?

Randall: Oh no, nothing like that but...

Suddenly, Dusty runs in crying.

Karen: Dusty? You look like you're crying a river like that Julie London song.

Dusty: I just got off the phone with Anton. Is it true?

Randall: Is what true?

Dusty: Is it true about Kevin?

Karen: Kevin?!

Randall: Oh fuck! What has he done now?!

Dusty: No, it's nothing he's done. (Sobbing) Is it true that Kevin is dying?!

Karen: WHAT!! Kevin dying?!?! Randall! Explain this?

Randall: Oh no! Kevin is fine. (under his breath) Unfortunely for me. (Normal voice) Anyway, it's just a little white lie I came up with to tell the Make A Wish foundation so I can see Sgt Pepper on DVD.

Dusty (stops crying): So, Kevin is not going to die?

Randall (laughs) Your face was priceless when you thought he was! (imitates Dusty) WAH! WAH! Kevin's dying! Working for the Paradise PD is going to suck now!

Karen: You're a cruel heartless monster, Randall! Forcing Kevin to fake an illness just so you can get a Turkey of a movie on DVD?

Randall: Well, the deal has been set in stone. It's done now.

Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, and Gina then walk into the Crawford family home.

Bullet: All right! Let's get this movie night, started! (singing) It's Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band...

Gina (joins in): We Hope You Will Enjoy The Show!

Scene 5:

At the conference room in the Dippin Dots Building. Brett DeMarco shows Fitz and Zeta the ring that Brett had bought.

Fitz: Damn, Lovely Corp has fucking everything!

Zeta: Wow, that ring is awesome!

Brett DeMarco: Indeed. It's going to be even more once we can find an Indian Burial Ground!

Fitz: Yes, but this ring will be used to evil! We won't be an asshole do gooder like Shang Chi And The Legend Of The Rings.

Zeta: What's the ring going to be used for?

Fitz: To suck out souls. I especially want the souls of those Lovely Corp Employees like Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Mark Zuckerberg, and finally Charles Lovely!

Zeta: Why would you want to suck out their souls, Daddy Fitz?

Fitz: So I can take over Lovely Corp. Come on, let's go search on Google to see if there's an Indian Burial Ground around Paradise.

Brett DeMarco: Imagine what awesome power we can possess! It'll be just like fucking Amityville Horror!

Zeta, Fitz, and Brett leave the room to go on the internet and leave the ring behind on a table. Brett DeMarco's cellphone rings. He answers it. The voice on the other end was Rita. Fitz was on the internet.

Brett DeMarco: Rita, baby! How's it hanging! I'm fine! I'm just...hang on a second Rita, I can't here you over my brokers! BUY! BUY! BUY! SELL! SELL! SELL! BUY!

Rita: Wow! Buying and selling?

Brett DeMarco: Yep! Like Michael Douglas in Wall Street, greed is good! Greed works!

Rita: (laughs)

Brett DeMarco: Okay, I'll see you Saturday. Gotta go, my helicopter's here! (imitates helicopter)

While Fitz was on the internet and Brett was hitting on Rita over the phone, Puffy the Cigarette sees the ring and swallows it.


Fitz: What the fuck!

Brett DeMarco: That sounded like Puffy!

Zeta: Let's go.

Running back to the Conference room, Fitz and Brett DeMarco notice the ring is gone.

Fitz: Damn Puffy! Have you seen a ring?

Brett DeMarco: I sure don't see it.

Zeta: Puffy, you're the last one who saw the ring, what happened to it?

Puffy the Cigarette: If you're reffering to the ring I thought was a Ring Pop, I ate it!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Puffy The Cigarette: Oh come on! Don't give me that shit. Cut me some slack, will ya? I'm in a cigarette costume! I can't see anything on the outside!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Scene 6:

As the rain was dying down, The Paradise PD were having fun watching the movie. Karen was in the kitchen downing a glass of wine. Karen could not believe Randall would stood so low as to exploit a Non Profit Foundation just to see a movie.

Dusty: That part where Sgt Pepper died is hilarious!

Randall: Hey, Karen! Come on in here and watch this!

Karen: You are NOT allowed to talk to me, Randall! (drinks wine)

Kevin: Oh come on, why is it okay for you to call me in to watch MST3K while I'm watching Yu-Gi-Oh. But it's not okay for me to call you in to watch a movie with us?

Karen: Just shut up and leave me alone! All of you! (drinks wine and cries)

Gina: All right, more movie for us then! You don't know what you're missing!

Bullet: Oh boy this is the best part where Strawberry Fields gets kidnapped by Mean Mr. Mustard!

Dusty: Lots of these Beatles songs in the movie weren't even on the Sgt Pepper album!

Stanley: No way, the best part of this movie was George Burns! I owe that to him, I killed Gracie Allen.

Randall: Hmmm, so that's what happened to Burns and Allen!

Kevin: Ooooh, what a horrible bunch of villains these guys are! Stealing instruments! (laughs)

Outside of the Crawford house, some people from the Make a Wish Foundation were outside singing and having a candlelight vigil. Karen is the one who first hears them singing.

Singers: Dying Boy Of Paradise! Kevin Crawford, you're so brave! There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step. As they dig your grave! (stomps feet then sings in a higher tone) As they dig your grave!

Karen (walks into the living room): I hate to take you away from your fun little movie here, but have you noticed there's a Candlelight Vigil on our lawn!

Randall and Dusty take a peak though the window. Randall gulped in fear.

Dusty: Holy fuck! You're right, Karen! Come look everybody! It's like the ending to The Apple out here!

Randall (runs outside): Why the fuck are you guys singing here on our lawn?

Kevin (hears the singing): As they dig my....ohhh yeah that's right.

Gina: Something tells me some shit it about to go down here...

Kevin: Dad pretended like I was dying so he can have us all watch that Sgt Pepper movie.

Karen: I already know. The truth has funny ways of coming out.

Randall sees the Manager from the Make A Wish Foundation.

Manager: Randall Crawford, I presume?

Randall: I presume? Who do you think I am, King Friday of the Neighorhood of fucking Make Believe!

Manager: We came here to pay our last respects to your dying son.

Randall: Dying son....oooooh, yeah that's a fact Jack! That's from the movie Stripes! Great movie, you should see it.

Manager: A dying child is no funny business.

Randall: What's your point?

Manager: We brought you that stupid Sgt Pepper movie and now you owe us a body!

Bullet: How is Randall going to get himself out of this one!

Dusty: Who's going to be our new Police Chief while Randall is rotting in prison?

Gina: I can!

Karen: A long sentence can do him some good if you ask me.

Feeling trapped and not knowing what to do, Randall tries to think of a way out.

Manager: Well, out with it! Where's your dead son?

Randall: Before we go any further, what happens if by chance he's not really dying?

Manager: Then you go to prison for three years for fraud and exploiting a charity organization.

Randall: Uuhhhh, hhhmmmm.....Eep Opp Ork Ahh Ahh!

Bullet: Randall always singins Eep Opp Ork when he's in an impossible scenario.

Dusty: Can we get back to our movie now?

Karen: Why not tell them the truth, huh?

Randall: I cured him! Kevin show them how much better you are!

The people who were singing on the lawn gasp then they cheered.

Manager: Really?

Randall: Yep that's right! I cured him good. Gave him some medicine and his Puffball penis cleared right up, come on out here, Kevin!

Kevin runs out and reveals his now 'cured' penis.

Manager: You're some sort of miracle healer! Congrats to you! Carry on with your day.

Randall: My pleasure!

Karen: You told them you were a miracle healer?

Randall: That's right! And they fell for it big. Dumb assholes!

Dusty: Wow, they must think you're like Steve Martin in Leap of Faith!

Gina: Now that that's over, let's go back to watching Sgt Pepper!

Bullet: I like that!

Stanley: I was a faith healer once when I helped Jim Jones make Kool-Aid!

Randall, Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina all went back to watching Sgt Pepper. Karen went back to the kitchen to binge drink on wine.

Karen (sobbing): I can talk to you, Mr. Wine Bottle!

Scene 7:

Driving up in a limo to a Health Foods Store, Fitz parks the limo and Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Puffy the Cigarette come out to follow him in. All the while, giving Puffy the third degree.

Fitz: Dammit Puffy! Why in the world would you eat a ring?

Puffy The Cigarette: I was dared...

Fitz: By who?

Puffy The Cigarette: By me. I have low self esteem!

Brett DeMarco: We should check in on this guy more often.

Fitz: Puffy, that was a fucking diamond ring, don't you know how much it costs?

Puffy The Cigarette: I'm sorry Fitz. Don't worry it'll come out of my body somehow!

Brett DeMarco: Yeah, taking it back to the Jewelry Store will be impossible now.

Fitz: That's the reason why we're at this health food store. Son of a bitch! We were going to use the ring for evil!

Brett DeMarco: I know! There's always some obstacle in our way!

Fitz: That's a load of fucking bullshit, Brett. You were going to use that ring all because you were looking for a piece of Chinese biracial ass!

Walking inside the Health Foods store, Fitz, Zeta, and Brett were looking for a food high in fiber.

Zeta: You ought to try oat cereal, Daddy Fitz.

Fitz: Good thinking, Zeta. I wish Brett had better judgement!

Brett DeMarco: Yeah, sure. Blame this on me.

Puffy The Cigarette: Which one should we buy?

A bunch of old people surround Fitz, Zeta, Puffy, and Brett DeMarco.

Old Man #1: Excuse me, sonny boy. Did you say you wanted to buy some oat cereal that helps you poop!

Old Man #2: Hey! What did I tell you about talking to black people?!?!

Old Man #1: Okay, I'm sorry.

The old people still surrounded them.

Fitz: Know what, you guys. I forgot old people hang around stores like this.

Brett DeMarco: They don't like blacks, they must be from a different generation!

Old Woman #1: Oh no you don't!

Old Woman #2: We're keeping you here and.....

Old Man: I know! Let's frame that black man for a crime he didn't commit!

Old Man #2: Good idea! I'll tell the cops he killed my wife.

Zeta: Should we still try to get some oat cereal.

Fitz: We should try to get the fuck out of here! (to the seniors) Hey, there everyone! I heard there's a senior discount on Miralax and Smooth Move for half price!

The Old People all cheer and run to try to look for the laxatives, freeing Fitz, Puffy, Zeta, and Brett.

Puffy The Cigarette: That was a close one.

Brett DeMarco: Where do we go now?

Fitz: Someplace not so racist! Say, I got it! There's an Panera Bread next to Laousi Apartments. Let's go there.

Brett DeMarco, Fitz, Puffy, and Zeta exit the Health Foods store and go into the limo and drive to their next location.

Puffy The Cigarette: Wish I can poop right now.

Brett DeMarco: It'll take some time.

Fitz (pounding his fist on the steering wheel): FUCK! I was going to use that ring to take over Lovely Corp!

Zeta: Yeah, soul sucking.

Scene 8:

Now Fitz, Brett, Puffy, and Zeta parked the limo at Panera Bread. Now the four of them were entering the restaurant.

Brett DeMarco: I hate the fucking commercials for this restaurant!

Fitz: Yep. I can just hear the voiceovers now! Clean Food! Food so clean you can eat off the floor!

Brett DeMarco (laughs): I got one! Food so clean you can take a shit next to it!

Zeta (laughs): Here's one, Food so clean you can drink it with gasoline!

Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all laugh which has Puffy all feeling downtrodden.

Puffy The Cigarette: Let's not forget why we're here!

Fitz: You don't have to remind us!

Now, Puffy, Brett, Fitz and Zeta were at the counter to order some food.

Brett DeMarco: Food like this will help you bring out that ring for sure.

Fitz: Order anything you want! (laughs) Clean food!

Puffy The Cigarette (talks to the cashier): Yeah, hello. I'd like a toasted baguette sandwich please.

Cashier: Uh, sir. Are you here to shit something out?

Puffy the Cigarette: Yes, how did you know?

Cashier: This line is just for regular diners, you need to get in that line!

The Cashier points to a long line of costumers waiting to poop something out. Now, Fitz, Zeta, Brett, and Puffy found themselves at the end of the waiting line. Then Hobo Cop comes behind them.

Hobo Cop: Yes, hi, Excuse me. Is this the line where people need to vomit something up?

Fitz: No I think this is the line only for people who need to shit something out.

There was a line for people who needed to vomit inches away. Fitz leads Hobo to that direction. Hobo Cop goes to join the puke line.

Hobo Cop: Stay Thirsty My Friends. (walks off)

Fitz (scoffs and rolls eyes.) That line of commercial dialogue did not set in too well with this moment.

In a matter of moments, the whole town of Paradise soon sees and declares Randall Crawford as a miracle healer. Most of the residents of Paradise were outside building a golden statue of Randall in the front lawn.

Scene 9:

The rain had finally come to an end. The Paradise PD had got done watching the Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band movie. Randall goes outside only to see a golden statue shaped like him. Almost the entire population of Paradise were on Randall's front and back yard. Even Charles Lovely, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson were there. Everyone was dressed like Randall in a short sleeved green polo shirt, khaki slacks, and brown shoes.

Randall (looks at the statue): Holy motherfucking shit! It's colossal! It's stupendous!

Kevin (looks at the statue): Wow! Who is that? Looks like Yusei from Yu-Gi-Oh to me!

Randall: Kevin, you dumbass! That's ME! You've been around me for so many years! Don't you know what I look like?

Kevin: Sorry Dad! Who would make a golden statue of you?

Robbie: Well there he is!

Karen runs outside.

Randall: Yeah I'm here, what is all this about?

Karen: I sure would like to know? (to the people) Why are you all dressed like Randall? More important, where the fuck did this statue come from?

Robbie: We built it! Anyhoo, news was spreading all over Paradise that you cured Kevin of his puffball penis bacteria.

Delbert: In other words, everyone here is worshipping you like you're some type of healing God!

Karen: I can't believe this! (runs back inside)

Patty Mae: Oh heal me oh great miracle worker of Paradise!

Camaro Bob: Can you clear up this Syphilis I got from an all American Orgy?

Charles Lovely: Let's hear it for our lord and savior! Randall Crawford!

Randall: Lord and savior? Wow! I can get used to this!

Jeff Bezos: Long live Randall Crawford!

Richard Branson: Long live the king! He is our new God!

Charles Lovely: Do you have anything to say, Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg: Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Somebody give me Higher Hair please!

Going back inside, Randall, Karen, Bullet, Stanley, and Kevin were going to have a serious discussion. Gina was in the bathroom with Dusty.

Karen: See where all your lies have lead to, Randall? All because of a stupid B-Movie based on a Beatles album!

Randall: Who cares? So what! I'm a God now! Kneel before the all great and mighty Randall Crawford.

Kevin (kneeling and quivering): YYYYYEEEESSSSS DDDDDDAAAAADDDDD!

Bullet: Does this mean I have to give up drugs?

Stanley: Maybe you can be like Moses from The Ten Commandments! Yul Brynner gave me lots of good sodomy!

Bullet: This can only end badly, Randall.

Karen: Bullet is right, don't say we didn't warn you and don't come running to us if something unthinkable is about to happen.

Randall: Oh bullshit! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to give my followers some orders.

Going outside, everyone immediately bowed to Randall Crawford.

Robbie: Oh great Randall Crawford! We await your orders!

Delbert: Please, tell us what to do!

Deciding to use his new status to his advantage, Randall gives out his first orders.

Randall: Robbie and Delbert. You guys will be my slippers!

Robbie: Anything you say, Oh great one!

Delbert and Robbie layed on the grass on their stomachs and Randall put his feet in their belts.

Randall: All right! Look at my cool new slick kicks everyone! Or should I say, hick kicks! (laughs and walks around)

Kevin: Dad always has been full of himself hasn't he?

Karen: If he's some type of healer why doesn't he try to regrow his balls?

Bullet: So far he doesn't have any of God's powers.....yet.

Outside, Charles Lovely, Richard Branson, Mark Zuckerberg, and Jeff Bezos ask Randall if they can so something for him.

Jeff Bezos: What about us?

Randall: Throw me up in the sky!

Charles Lovely: With pleasure oh great one!

Camaro Bob, Robbie, Delbert, Patty Mae, Charles Lovely, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Ricahrd BRanson all stand around in the circle and throw Randall up in the air with a blanket.

Randall: WEEE! WEEE! WEEE! Higher! Higher! Higher!

Mark Zuckerberg: Did somebody say, higher? Higher Hair!

Karen (screeches): This is so fucking insane! When he gets back inside, I'm going to talk to him!

Kevin: Dad seems to be enjoying it a little too much.

Bullet: He's already letting this bullshit obsess him!

After Randall was done being thrown up in a blanket he goes back inside.

Scene 10:

Karen, Bullet, Kevin, and Stanley were in the kitchen. Randall walks inside and sees everyone was gone.

Randall: Where did everyone go?

Karen: The kitchen, NOW!

Kevin: Yes dad! Family Meeting time.

Randall: Oh fuck I hate Family Meetings in the kitchen.

Running into the kitchen, Randall sees Karen is very cross with him. Meanwhile outside, Robbie, Delbert, Patty Mae, Camaro Bob, Charles Lovely, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg were all having a circle dance in Randall's honor.

Randall: Yes, dearie!

Karen: Randall. We know you're enjoying having these people worship you. Don't you think there's someone who might resent that?

Stanley: Clutch Cargo?

Bullet: Steve Carrell in Evan Almighty?

Karen: Stay out of this, Stanley! You too, Bullet!

Randall: What do you mean by resent?

Karen: A being who's 'All Knowing' and 'Powerful'!

Randall: Somebody's got a high opinion of herself!

Karen: Not me, Randall! GOD! G-O-D GOD!

Kevin: I know this all too well, Dad is going to make a Hell In The Pacific reference now.

Randall: What's the big whoop? So I pulled a little fib and now everyone in Paradise thinks I'm God! Since when has God ever said he doesn't want someone else being worshipped like him?

Karen: Know what?! To hell with all this! There's just no point in getting though to you! Have fun with your new found God status and...

The power in the whole Crawford house went out. The Sex Pistols Liar plays throughout.

Bullet: Shit! The Lights Went Out In Georgia! For real!

Now, Bullet, Randall, Kevin, Karen, and Stanley are trying to find their way in the dark.

Randall: Okay, don't panic everyone. (bumps into Kevin) Ahhh, Karen. Are you scared stay close and...

Kevin: Dad, it's me!

Randall (pushes Kevin away): God Dammit!

Robbie, Delbert, Patty Mae, Camaro Bob, Charles Lovely, Richard Branson, Mark Zuckerberg, and Jeff Bezos all volunteer to bring the lights back on. Eventually, all the light bulbs were screwed in and the lights were back. Karen was screwing in a lightbulb on the ceiling.

Karen: Nice of Randall's followers to bring us back the lights. Still don't get how it happened all at once.

Bullet (begins to itch): Anyone have some flea powder.

Karen (looks out window): Oh my God!

Randall: YES!

Karen: Stop Randall! This isn't funny!

Bullet: Why are you all ignoring me! I'm itching like fuck!

Karen: For as long as you were the police dog, that's never happened before.

Kevin: Hey everyone!

Karen, Randall, and Bullet scream when they see Kevin's face covered with boils.

Randall: That acne hit you like a ton of bricks.

Kevin: Acne? Why...(looks in the mirror) AAAAAHHHH!

Karen: Don't you see what's happening, Randall?

Randall: Of course I do, Karen. Kevin can audition for a Clearasil commercial!

Bullet: No no no! Don't you sense a connection here? The lightblubs last night, my fleas, Kevin's pimples!

Stanley: I know what the dog is talking about, darkness, gadflys and boils!

Karen: I think what Stanley is trying to say is the three plagues that God infested around Egypt when the Pharoah angered him in the Old Testament!

Randall: Since when are you a religious know it all?

Karen: My family and I went to church on Sundays.

Randall: Well, religion has nothing to do with all this. It's a logical explanation! The power surge, Bullet doesn't bathe, and Kevin has had ance problems since junior high.

Kevin: A whole bunch of bad memories are all flooding back to me!

From upstairs in the bathroom, Gina and Dusty both scream Gina runs downstairs.

Karen: Gina! What's wrong?

Gina: I was giving Dusty a sexy bath and then the water turned all red and fucking goopy! Looked like blood! (shows her hands with blood)

Randall: Wow, Gina! You must've raped Dusty very good! Did you use a loofah on his ass? Like you always wanted!


Upstairs in the bathroom, in the bathtub Dusty was freaking out.

Dusty: AAAAAHHH! I knew I should not have used that Bubble Bath that was sponsored by Disney+ It's like somebody stabbed Pizza Baby!

Karen: Poor Dusty! (To Randall) If I were you I'd go out there and tell those people the fucking truth.

Kevin: Yes Dad! Listen to Mom for once. Make them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in this house!

Karen runs upstairs.

Randall: There has to be an explaination for all this.

Bullet: You want an explaination! (slaps Randall) GOD....IS....PISSED!!!!!

Suddenly, frogs start jumping out of Stanley's shirt.

Stanley: Did the Giant Gila Monster just jump out of me?!

Randall: Let's get the fucking hell outta this place!

Finally coming to his senses, Randall has Dusty, Gina, Stanley, Kevin, Karen, Bullet, and Stanley all run outside. Only to see some gray clouds circling the sky. Robbie, Delbert, Camaro Bob, Patty Mae, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Charles Lovely, and Richard Branson still doing the circle dance only this time they all had torches and were dancing around the golden statue of Randall Crawford.

Mark Zuckerberg: (dances with torch and sings to the tune of This Old Man): Higher Hair! Higher Hair! Please give me some Higher Hair!

Randall: What am I going to do now?

Bullet: Guess you can pull a Waco!

Dusty: I thought that was Roger's job!

Gina: Ah HA! I get it! Mamma broke fourth wall bitches!

Scene 11:

Driving down the street, Fitz was in his limo. Brett, Zeta, and Puffy were in the backseat.

Fitz: I don't know what else to do. We tried fucking everything!

Brett DeMarco: The Lovely Corp Museum of Fine Art closes at 6 and so does that Jewelry store.

Zeta: That won't be enough time to return that ring.

Fitz: You're right. Damn you, Puffy! If I had known you were going to be this fucking stupid, I never would've hired you to the Legion of DOOOOOM!

Brett DeMarco: This is obviously all his fault!

Zeta: I know. Maybe we can take a bumpy ride to the museum. It worked for my Grandpa once.

Puffy the Cigarette: Say what you will, scapegoat me all you want. You know, Brett, this would not have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!

Brett DeMarco: Don't antagonise me! You ate a ring! Hell you look like something out of The Masked Singer!

Puffy the Cigarette: Yeah, you're the one who's going to look like the moron once you're digging though a pile of my shit you cock sucking buttmunch! That includes you too Fitz!

Fitz: Stop! Stop! Woah! Calm down.

Puffy The Cigarette: Shut up you cock sucking buttmunch!

Suddenly, Puffy felt a pain in his bowels.

Puffy The Cigarette: Guys! Guys! It's here!

Fitz: OKay, this is what we've been waiting for! Here we GO!!!

Speeding up on their way to the Lovely Corp Museum of Fine Art, Fitz slams on the accelerator.

Brett DeMarco: We're getting closer now.

Puffy the Cigarette: OOooh! Ooooh! Oooh! I can't hold it in much longer! OOOUUUUCCCCHHHH!

Fitz: Please! For the love of God! Hold it in if you can!

Puffy The Cigarette: I CAN'T! I NEED TO GO NOW!!!!

Brett DeMarco: Hey, look! That's that Indian Burial Ground. Try there!

Zeta: Good idea, no one will ever know!

Instead of driving to the The Lovely Corp Museum of Fine Art, Fitz stops the limo at the Indian Burial Ground instead. Unbeknownst to them, Rita the girl who was working at the Jewelry Store was at the Indian Burial Ground. Scrambling out of the limo, Puffy was now defacating on the Indian Burial Ground and out came the ring. Rita smelled the feces from far away.

Rita: What the....what is that smell.

Fitz (grabs the ring): Damn! The ring came out clean!

Brett DeMarco: That's a surprise.

Fitz: Hey, Puffy you're like that dog from Marley and Me!

Zeta: He swallowed a necklace in that.

Puffy The Cigarette: I feel so much better. (sighs)

Zeta: Want to try to use that ring now for soul sucking?

Fitz: Yes! Now that we are here we shall...


Brett DeMarco: Rita! It's me, Brett! Nice to see you!

Rita: I came here to pay my respects to my Adoptive Indian Dad and all I can smell is diarrhea! Care to tell me where this all came from?

Puffy The Cigarette: I'm sorry it was me, I take full responsibility!

Brett DeMarco: As long as you're here, can you make returns outside the Jewelry Store? Maybe I can take you to dinner?

Rita: Forget it! Besides, I can tell you're a dishonest person!

Brett DeMarco: Really how?

Rita: The way you called me! You're no rich millionaire. You think I was stupid enough to believe you were at the Brokers convention! And the way you imitated that helicopter! Pathetic!

Brett DeMarco: But, but.....I really am a...

Rita: Good bye Brett! I never want to see you again!

Walking off, Rita decides to dump Brett.

Puffy The Cigarette: You went all that way just to get into her pants. Shame on you!

Brett DeMarco: Maybe you're right, Puffy, I did end up looking like a moron.

Fitz: As long as we're here, let's try to summon this ring.

Zeta: Yes!

Puffy takes out his iphone.

Fitz: Good for you Puffy! Maybe you can look up some type of Satanic chant I can use on this ring and...

Puffy The Cigarette: According to this, it says right here that if a ring is exposed to feces in an Indian Burial Ground, it'll never be used for soul sucking no matter how hard you try. In other words, the ring will be worthless.

Fitz: SSSSHHHHIIIITTTTT! Now I'll never take over Lovely Corp!

Brett DeMarco: Just our luck! I get dumped by a hot chick, Fitz can't use the ring, Puffy spewed a pile of shit. What can be worse?

Zeta: Its like you always tell me, we can learn from failures, Daddy Fitz.

Fitz: You're right, Zeta. There's always other times to take over Lovely Corp.

Brett DeMarco: Maybe we're just not ready yet.

Fitz: Yeah, I know. Let's go back to Dippin' Dots and maybe think of ways we can eventually take over Lovely Corp.

Going back inside the limo, Fitz, Zeta, Brett, and Puffy all drive back to Dippin Dots.

Fitz: Someday, you better watch your ass, Charles Lovely! Before you know it, you will be rotting in a grave and after that, Lovely Corp will be mine! All mine! (laughs evilly)

Scene 12 Conclusion:

Back at the Crawford residence Randall demands that Robbie, Delbert, Patty Mae, Camaro Bob, Charles Lovely, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson to stop dancing around for him.

Randall: STOP STOP STOP! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake like a Moon Landing and Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights! And Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I don't mean that completely untrue dayroom but there's just completely phony just like me! I'm sorry okay! Make it end please!

A bolt of lightning struck the golden statue of Randall Crawford and it landed square on Kevin. Robbie, Delbert, Patty Mae, Camaro Bob, Charles Lovely, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson all run away.

Robbie: Let's get the fuck outta here!

Bullet: This must be the final plague.

Randall: Oh gosh, will this ever end?

Bullet: The final plague is the death of the firstborn son?

Randall: Dobby?

Karen: NO! KEVIN!

Rushing over to Kevin, Randall knelt before him.

Kevin: Dad, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Gina: Stay away from that light.

Dusty: Come back to us!

Stanley: Oh no! He's as dead as JFK!

Randall: Run towards the light!

Karen: No get away from it!

Kevin: Hey Dad, is there Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in heaven?

Randall: Yes, son. Unlimited supplies of DVD copies. And all those streaming services are free and you don't have to pay a dime..(cries)

Deciding to give up on the charade of being God, Randall extends his apologies.

Randall: Please don't take Kevin, God! I'm sorry!

Up in heaven, God hears Randall's apology. An angel walks into God's office.

Angel: Sir we think the Crawford guy gets it!

God: Good Good. (goes on cellphone): Can you turn off the plague please.

Voice on Cellphone: Yes sir, Mr. Anderson.

God: Heh, she's new.

In a short time, the sky clears up and the plagues go away. Bullet is free of his fleas, Kevin's acne clears up and the frogs go back to the river.

Bullet: Yes! The plagues are gone!

Karen (hugs Kevin): Oh honey!

Kevin: Is it over?

Gina: Yes it is.

Dusty: We can end this chapter in our life!

Kevin (gets up): Wow! I'm good as new! It's like nothing ever happened to me!

Randall: Thank God! I mean, thank ME!

A frog flies onto Randall's face. Karen rolls her eyes.

Randall: AH! Ah! Ah! I get it! I get it! It was a joke! It was a joke!

Karen: Back to the bottle for me.

Stanley (laughs): Forget Hopson'd, Randall just got "Godded"!


Don't forget to leave a review!
Sign up to rate and review this story