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Story: Awful Prank Show


by: Zoey Webber


In Spooner Street. There were three kids who were lost. Trying to find their way back where they were staying. It was Duncan Harris, and his two younger sisters Kimberly and Jing. Duncan was on vacation in Quahog with his family. Wanting to find his way back to the hotel where they were staying with their parents. Instead they made a wrong turn and ended up on Spooner Street.


DUNCAN: I guess there's no easier to to say this. We are lost!


KIMBERLY: No kidding. Mom and Dad probably think we're screwing around.


JING: Maybe they think you two are, but not me.


DUNCAN: This does not look like the place where our hotel is. This APP I downloaded from Yangzi is worthless!


KIMBERLY: Our hotel was in a city area. That we know.


JING: Instead we're in a residential area.


KIMBERLY: Maybe we should ask someone to help us get back.


DUNCAN: I know. Let's try that yellow house over there.


JING: It's our only chance.


Every Saturday, Peter always looked forward to a good time with Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. It was their day to go bowling. When Peter was about to head out, the phone rings. Lois goes to answer it.


PETER: Wow! I can't believe I won these free passes to go bowling with the guys!


LOIS: Hello? What...oh no! Oh no! Please! That's bad news. My poor Daddy. Will he be okay? Fine, I'll be over right away. Thanks....goodbye.


PETER hears Lois crying: Don't want to be around for that.


It was too late. Lois is going to stop Peter from going bowling.


LOIS: Peter. I have some terrible news.


PETER: rolls eyes: What is it? Don't you know I have free passes to go bowling with the guys.


LOIS: You're going to have to cancel that. I just got a phone call that Daddy is in the hospital.


PETER: Not my problem! He's your Dad, not mine.


LOIS: You didn't let me finish. He's in the ER and has a serious injury. You need to come with me.


PETER: God Dammit! Why does this ALWAYS happen lately on weekends? Just when I am going to go out with the guys. Last week it was Stewie having a fever, then Brian had an infection, Chris had chicken pox, Meg gets her period, the list goes on!


LOIS: Daddy could be dying. I know you weren't his favorite person in the world. Maybe this could be your chance to make amends.


PETER: NO! I am not going to give up my weekend for a man who hates me just because I married his daughter.


LOIS: Son of a bitch, Peter! You are so fucking selfish! You never want to take time out for your family. It's always on me!


PETER: How dare you call me selfish! I have more selflessness in my little finger than you have in your whole body!


LOIS: Don't you turn this around on me. You're coming and that's IT! Make a sacrifice for once in your life.


PETER: NO DEAL!


LOIS: Why is having a fun weekend so important to you anyway? It's just another day.


PETER: Weekends are for fun! You have no idea how hard it is for me to work all week at the Brewery. When you want me to give up my friends for your family! Jesus Christ, you're worst than Monique from that movie Precious!


LOIS: Fine! I'll go myself! crying Before I go I just want to add YOU ARE A SELF ABSORBED WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! crying


Peter's weekend was ruined. Lois had taken the car to drive to the hospital. Brian had taken his Prius to drive Stewie to a book convention in Providence. Now Peter had nobody to go bowling with.


DUNCAN knocks on door: Hello!


Not hearing the knocking. Peter flies into a rage and begins to beat up on the couch cushions.


PETER: I AM NOT SELFISH! I HATE YOU LOIS! I HATE YOU! CARTER AND YOU AND CAN BOTH ROT IN HELL! NOBODY CALLS ME SELFISH! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE ON YOU LOIS YOU FUCKING BITCH!


Kimberly and Jing hear Peter's tirade.


JING: Perhaps we should not ask who's inside.


Peter then goes to the door and Kimberly hears footsteps.


KIMBERLY: Oh good. Someone's coming.


PETER: What do you kids want? Halloween isn't for another 8 months.


DUNCAN: We're not trick or treaters sir. You see we are taking a vacation here in Quahog.


KIMBERLY: We lost our way back to the hotel you see.


JING: We were hoping you can help us find our way back to the nearest hotel in which we are staying.


PETER: You know what kids. I'll get you back! But first, I need to make some phone calls.


Running to the phone Peter first calls Joe, who cannot join him for bowling because he was working on a police case. Then tries Cleveland and he said he got called into work at the Deli. Then Quagmire, who tells him that he was flying to North Dakota. Luck was on Peter's side, and Quagmire says he can use his extra car he got as a reward for his hard work as an airplane. Peter decides to take Quagmire's car. Peter runs to the door to talk to Duncan, Kimberly and Jing.


PETER: Okay kids! Today is your lucky day!


DUNCAN: YES!


PETER: But, however you three have to do two things for me.


KIMBERLY: Okay.


PETER: Do you kids like bowling?


DUNCAN: Yeah, it's okay I guess. I'm willing to do that.


PETER: Good, because I got free passes for bowling for three of my friends who are all at work today. I hate to have these go to waste.


JING: You said there's a second thing, what is it?


PETER: The three of you have to help me play a prank on my psycho bitch wife.


KIMBERLY laughs: We're in.


PETER: One of my friends lent me his car. So let's go.


Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing follow Peter to Quagmire's car. Peter drives them to the local bowling alley.


PETER: So kids. Which hotel are you staying at? The Grand Budapest? hee hee hee hee hee hee


KIMBERLY: We don't know what you're talking about.


As Peter was driving to the Bowling Alley, Lois was at the hospital visiting Carter, her father.


LOIS: Oh, Daddy! walks into hospital room


CARTER: Lois!


As she soon found out, Carter's fall wasn't as bad as it was made out to be. It was just a broken ankle.


LOIS: Are you okay, Daddy?


CARTER: Yes, I'm fine. These doctors don't know shit these days. You didn't even have to visit me at all.


LOIS: The doctors made it sound like you've broken every bone in your body.


CARTER: It's just my ankle, I'll be good in no time.


Lois sighs.


CARTER: What's wrong? Peter got you down?


LOIS: Before I came I had a fight with Peter.


CARTER: Let me guess he didn't want to come support you. I know your family like the back of my hand.


LOIS: Yep, how did you know? Now that I know that you only had a minor injury, I feel so nasty that I yelled at him.


CARTER: You had good reason to, he and I always had a Hatfields and McCoys style hatred about each other.


LOIS: I'm going to apologize right now. I need to cleanse my conscience.


Going on her phone to call Peter who was now at the bowling alley. Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing were having fun bowling with Peter.


DUNCAN: Oh no! Something just occurred to me, Peter.


PETER: What is it?


DUNCAN: What if someone sees you with someone else's kids?


PETER: Don't worry. I got that covered, I'll just tell anyone that I am a coach who helps troubled kids.


KIMBERLY: Sure, that's a good cover.


JING: You can say you're babysitting me and Duncan and Kimberly are the troubled ones. laughs


DUNCAN: Very funny, Jing.


KIMBERLY: We need to think of a name for you, if anyone asks.


PETER: I know! How about this? My name is Norman Dale! Like Gene Hackman from Hoosiers! In My Book! We're Going To Be Winners! hee hee hee hee hee!


Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing were bowling. Duncan goes into a daydream that he's a champion bowler and Mia is in the audience. Duncan and Kimberly bowled, but not as good as Peter. Jing was bowling like an expert.


KIMBERLY: You said you were going to prank your wife?


A cellphone rang and Peter answered it.


PETER: Hold that thought. Hello?


LOIS: Peter. I'm glad I reached you.


PETER: Hi Lois. Did you call about how much of an egomaniac I am?


LOIS: No, look. Listen, I want to apologize for yelling at you eariler.


PETER: You do...


LOIS: Yes, Daddy just has a broken ankle and the doctors and nurses that called made it sound like it was a huge tragedy. Now I regret the way I treated you. I know you're a kind hearted loving husband. Even if you and my Daddy never got along.


PETER: I appreciate your apology Lois. Don't worry I already forgot all about our petty little arguement.


LOIS: Wow, that really shows how much you really do care. Well, I'll be home soon. I assume you're at the bowling alley?


PETER: Yes I am. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire couldn't make it so I'm coaching some troubled youth.


LOIS: That's my Peter. Anyway now that we're made up, I'll see you when I see you. We'll have some awesome make up sex.


PETER: It's a plan, Lois. Goodbye and I love you.


LOIS: Goodbye.


Peter and Lois hung up their phones. Duncan walks up to Peter.


DUNCAN: Sounds like you and your wife patched things up. Does this mean the prank is off?


Peter envisions all the times Lois called him out on his selfishness.


LOIS: You egotist! You're a sociopath! You don't care about anybody but yourself! You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! Your ego is so HUGE someone has to put you in your place! You have an extremely immature menality! You're so self centered you have the ego of a dictator! Selfish pig! You're a conceited asshole! SO FUCKING SELFISH! SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH MAN!!!!


PETER holding up his index finger: No way! The prank will go on as planned! Now where were we.


KIMBERLY: We're bowling.


PETER: Right.


As Peter bowls with Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing. They discuss their plan to prank Lois.


DUNCAN: Now that the prank is back on. What exactly will we do with your wife?


PETER: I was thinking we can get some dominos, candles, and a sixteen ton weight, and a wooden board with a spring.


KIMBERLY: Ooooh! My! This is something I totally want to be a part of!


PETER: Then we finish it off with exploding tar!


JING: This is all part of your plan to really humiliate her, hey?


PETER: I just want to show her she can actually be even worse than I am.


DUNCAN: Really? How so?


PETER: On the last Saturday on the month, she goes to her Book Clubs and her book club friends see me pass by and make fun of me.


KIMBERLY: Holy Crap! Even our parents don't talk shit to their friends to each other like that.


JING: This wife of yours doesn't sound like a very nice person. Maybe it's a good thing we're going to be something cruel to her.


PETER: Girl, you don't know the half of it! Now it is time to teach Lois a lesson that'll scar her for life!


DUNCAN: Will your wife be home when you get back?


PETER: Nah, she usually stays until 6pm.


DUNCAN: That gives us time to set up the prank!


PETER: Exactly!


Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing were having lots of fun bowling with Peter Griffin. Suddenly, Mort comes by with Neil.


MORT: Hey, Peter! These aren't your kids.


NEIL: I think these are the kids from Bless The Harts. Am I right?


PETER: No they're troubled youth I'm sponsoring.


MORT: Very noble of you, Peter! Come on, Neil!


DUNCAN: groans frustrated Why do people keep comparing us to Bless The Harts!


KIMBERLY: We're from Duncanville, dumbass!


NEIL: All right, sorry. Coming Dad!


JING: Will you send us back to Mommy and Daddy after we're done.


PETER: Oh shit! I forgot all about that. Thank you for reminding me.


Once their time at the bowling alley was done. Peter drives Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing to Jack's Joke Shop. Walking into the store, Peter gives orders to Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing.


PETER: Duncan, go get some candles. Kimberly, you're in charge of getting the wooden board and spring. Jing, get some dominos.


DUNCAN: What are you going to get?


PETER: I'm going to get everything else we need. Like the sixteen ton weight! Rope too!


A military march song was playing. Duncan gets the candles, Jing gets the dominos, and Kimberly gets a wooden board and spring. Peter gets the sixteen ton weight, rope, and some banana peels. They all meet at the check out counter.


PETER: Good job, kids!


JING: These dominos were easy to spot.


DUNCAN: How are you doing to carry that weight, Peter?


PETER: I'll just roll it on the cart.


KIMBERLY: What are your kids like, Peter?


PETER: One thing's for sure, Meg is nothing like you. Chris is a chip off the old block, and Stewie is a mad inventor of some sort.


KIMBERLY: Your kids seem awesome! Expect Meg. I'd like to kick her sorry ass from what I heard about her.


DUNCAN: You know, getting lost on our vacation has actually been fun. We have you to thank for that, Peter.


PETER: I can't believe it! Kids that actually value me as a person! What a surprise!


Returning home to the Griffin house. Peter, Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing all worked together to build the prank trap for Lois.


PETER tying the rope: Jing, Light up the candles!


JING: But, I'm not allowed to light matches. Mommy and Daddy won't let me.


PETER: Your Mommy and Daddy ain't here, are they?


JING: I still can't bring myself to light a match.


PETER: Well, consider me a fun babysitter. You are now allowed to light candles!


JING lights candles: YAY!!!!


Peter wheels the sixteen ton weight into the house and puts it on the side of the wooden board which now had a spring underneath.


KIMBERLY: What would you like me to do?


PETER: Plant the banana peels on the floor.


KIMBERLY: Right!


DUNCAN: Excuse me, but I didn't get a job to do.


PETER: Oh sorry Duncan. I forgot about you for a minute. Pour the exploding tar in a bucket.


DUNCAN: Sure thing.


PETER: As for me I'm setting up the dominos!


Kimberly, Jing, and Duncan did their jobs. Peter tied a rope next to one of the candles which will activate the sixteen ton weight to drop on the wooden board. Everyone got done with their job. Peter, Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing all sat on the couch.


DUNCAN: Now what?


PETER: Now we wait.


KIMBERLY: When she is coming?


PETER: She should be here right about....


LOIS knocks door: PETER! I'm home!


PETER: NOW! Okay kids! Go hide someplace.


Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing all ran off to hide in the basement. Lois walks in, oblivious to the trap that was set out for her.


LOIS: Oh Peter. I am so sorry for going off on you.


PETER: It's okay Lois. I'm used to it by now.


LOIS: Daddy just had a mild sprained ankle. Nothing else. He'll be better shortly.


PETER: That's fine. You told me that before.


LOIS: I just like to be told the truth and have everything in order. I just can't stand it when everything is so disorderly at time. That's why I get so mad.


PETER: I get it, Lois. Next time when something happens to one of the kids, I'll be there. No matter what day of the week it is.


LOIS: That's kind of you Peter. For a while there I was kind of paranoid that you're going to get some kind of revenge on me.


PETER laughs Oh, come on Lois! What do you think I'm going to do? Kill you with the Five Finger Death Punch from Kill Bill Vol 2?


LOIS laughs: Oh no! I know you're not capable of that. Sometimes you do threaten revenge on me. You even tell Brian.


PETER: You actually believe that I will harm you in anyway?


LOIS: Nah, I know you better than that. Anyway, I'm glad we made up.


PETER: Me too, Lois! Me too!


Lois was going to walk upstairs to her bedroom. See sees the candles and gives Peter a confused look.


PETER: Oh, those are for our romantic make up sex we're going to have.


LOIS: Ooooh! You know I like candles and....


Peter flicks the dominos that all fall in place and then the dominos shook the rope. The candles burn the rope attached to the wooden board with the spring underneath. Without knowing, Lois walks on banana peels that caused her to slide toward the board only to have the sixteen ton weight fall onto the wooden board send her flying into the ceiling.


LOIS: WWWWWOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!


PETER: It's Showtime! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!


Lois falls back down and lands in the bathroom. Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing all ran out from the basement.


DUNCAN: Did you get her yet?


PETER: I'm about to!


When Lois was in the bathroom, she sees something that looks like a black balloon bubble up from a bucket.


LOIS: Oh no! This bucket I used to mop the floors is all dirty and moldy and....


Before Lois can say anymore, the tar exploded all over her. Lois was now covered from head to toe with tar. Duncan, Kimberly, Peter, and Jing all laugh as Lois runs out of the bathroom.


LOIS: HHHEEELLLPPP MMMMEEE! HHHHEEEELLLLPPP MMMMEEEE! HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!


PETER: I just have one more trap to go. Something I planted the during last six months.


Lois was running into the living room, headed for the front door. A torch was on the top of the door that sprayed fire on Lois's head. Now Lois's head was on fire.


Peter, Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing all follow Peter outside. Lois was running back and forth not knowing what to do.


LOIS: My head is on fire! stops, drops, and rolls SHIT! I can't even stop, drop and roll!


DUNCAN: Awesome, Peter! You really got her good!


KIMBERLY: You were right about her! From looking at her I say she deserved it! Maybe my friends and I should do this to the ABC girls.


JING: That Girl is on Fire!


Wanting to put the fire out on her head, Lois runs into the garage. Thinking she sees a cooler full of water, Lois dunks her head in it.


PETER: Hope she found that cooler.


DUNCAN: What's in the cooler? Melted ice?


PETER: Nope, gasoline!


KIMBERLY snickers: Oh my gosh!


JING: Glad she's not my Mommy!


A explosion was heard in the garage. Peter calcuated it correctly. Lois thought she dunked her head in water to put out the fire, it turned out to be gasoline. Lois then gets sent flying into the air once more and lands squarely next to Peter, Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing.


LOIS: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! splat


A taxi cab drives up from the Griffin house. Out comes Jack and Annie.


JACK: There you are Duncan!


ANNIE: You guys didn't get into any trouble did you?


Jack and Annie see the commotion with Peter and Lois going around.


ANNIE: Did these kids do anything sir?


PETER: I never saw these kids before in my life! They were just taking a walk. Carry on with your day.


Duncan, Kimberly, and Jing follow Jack and Annie into the cab.


DUNCAN: How did you track us down?


JACK: We did it with Yangzi's app!


KIMBERLY: You guys have Yangzi's app to?


ANNIE: Only we had an upgraded version.


JACK: We're a step ahead of apps than you kids are!


DUNCAN: I'll try to remember to upgrade next time.


Lois was not dead. She was on the verge of a breakdown and cried. Brian drives into the garage with his Prius with Stewie in tow.


STEWIE: DAMMIT! Why did the Fatman have to be the one to kill Lois! I was supposed to.


BRIAN ignoring Stewie: So Peter, you finally got back at Lois all these years hey?


PETER: You bet. Quite an accomplishment I might add.


BRIAN: Good for you, Peter.


PETER: You're not mad at me about this?


BRIAN: Nah, I've been over her for a long time. She often threatens to have me put to sleep for no reason.


PETER: You realize what a bitch she is.


BRIAN: Absoutely. I might hire you to do this if another girlfriend of mine dumps me.


PETER giggles: Lois is black now, what do you think about that?


BRIAN: You ought to send her Jerome's way again!


Peter laughs as Brian walks into the house.


LOIS: PETER! Why did you do all this! I thought we made up! I thought you forgave me!


PETER laughs in Lois's face: GOTCHA!




In closing, I get tired of reading Family Guy stories from fans about Lois or Meg leaving or doing something mean to Peter. It got me thinking, how about a story where the shoe is on the other foot? Comments welcome.