Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

The Thomas Horn Affair

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

The Paradise PD arrest an innocent man who runs a music shop. Consequences ensue.

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2024-03-27 - 5967 words - Complete

Voiceover: Due to creative changes, the most anticipated fanfic Zero Holes will be postponed until further notice. So in the meantime, stay tuned for this even better fanfic, The Thomas Horn Affair.

Paradise PD

Fanfic Title:

The Thomas Horn Affair

by: Trenton Sands

Scene 1:

Not too long ago, the town of Paradise opened a music instrument store in hopes to compete with Guitar Center called "Horns Aplenty". It only sold horns, no other instrument than that. For the past week, since it opened. The manager of the store named Thomas Horn was under suspicion of the Paradise PD that Thomas Horn was doing dirty deals under the table. So going undercover, the Paradise PD posed as employees for a whole week waiting to expose him. Randall, on the other hand, cannot stand the sound of horns any longer.

Bullet: We've been here a whole week, now. Isn't this overcover sting done with YET?!

Randall: It's undercover you fucking crackhead!

Bullet: Under! Over! Whatever!

Kevin: Bullet's right, I'm getting a little impatient here.

Gina: He must know we're onto him! He hasn't made a dirty deal yet!

Dusty: I don't mind doing this. Just hate when Randall blows his top over horns.

Stanley: I showed Mozart how to play a horn once! But that's another story!

Randall: You're right, Gina! This guy seems to be pulling one over on us.

Kevin (points to the door): Hey guys, some people are coming in.

The people who come in are a Mother and her son.

Kid: Maaammm! I want to blow into the horns!

Mom: Now, honey. I know you love to play the horn, but we have horns at home.


Mom: I only brought you here so we can buy one for your friend's birthday party.

Coming out of a door, Thomas Horn comes out to greet the mother and son.

Thomas Horn: Welcome to Horns Aplenty! I'm the manager! How can I help you today?

Kid: I want to blow into the horns.

Mom: What did I say....

Kevin: Run for the hills, Dad!

Gina: That little twat waffle is about to play!

Dusty: The kid sumbitch is going to Mr. Hollands on your Opus, Randall!

Kid: I just want to test it because I'm getting one for my friend who also plays the horn.

Mom: OKay! Just this once! I'm disinfecting it after we buy it.

Thomas Horn: Covid is still on the loose! Don't blame you there!

The kid was blowing into the horn which sent Randall into a fiery impetuosity!

Randall: horns....horns....HORNS! HORNS! HORNS!

Running toward Thomas Horn, Randall begins to choke, punch and kick him into the ground that made the kid stop playing the horn, and the mom walked out with her son.

Thomas Horn: Why did you beat me up for?

Randall: We were ever never employees! We're really the Paradise PD!

Gina: You've been doing some dirty dealings!

Thomas Horn: No, I haven't! You got me confused with someone else and...

Kevin: You're under arrest! Book 'em Daddo!

Dusty: Yes! After all this time, we got him!

Bullet: At last! It's finally over! I secretly did some weed to cope with doing this thing.

Randall, along with Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet all take Thomas Horn into police custody.

Scene 2:

Thomas Horn was now in a holding cell. Back at Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall is elated and relieved. Not only did he catch Thomas Horn, he was happy he didn't have to hear another horn again.

Randall: Those horns are enough to make anyone lose their shit!

Stanley: I once lost my shit at the New York City Philharmonic!

Bullet put a bike horn on Dusty's chair. Dusty comes into sit down.

Dusty: Ahhh, it's good to be back! Headquarters Sweet Headquarters.....

Sitting on the bike horn, Dusty flinches when it makes a sound.

Dusty: Ahhh, Must've been them fiery chicken wings.


Kevin: Dad! It was just a little one!

Gina discovers the bike horn, and walks over to Bullet.

Bullet: Heh heh, just a funny little prank to get a rise out of Randall and Dusty!

Gina: Don't you EVER prank my man again!

Bullet: Okay, okay!

A phone rings.

Kevin: It's over now, Dad. Get the phone

Randall (answers phone): Hello?

It was Karen on the other end.

Karen: Randall! Get your Police Squad over here now! I need to discuss a serious matter with you!

Randall: Okay, Karen! We'll be over right away!

Gina: Who was that?

Randall: It was Karen. We all need to go.

Bullet: Wonder what's up with her?

Scene 3:

At Paradise City Hall. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley all meet Karen at her office.

Kevin: Okay Mom. We're here. What's the skippy?

Randall (disgusted): What's the skippy? MMPH!

Karen: Don't you get cute with me! I did an investigation on Thomas Horn the manager of Horns Aplenty.

Bullet: We worked there for a week.

Gina: Thomas Horn was doing some dirty dealings and we were trying to figure out what.

Dusty: He was dirty all right!

Coming with a wheelbarrow of cleaning products. Everything from Pine Sol, Windex, SOS, Clorox, Mr. Clean, and Comet. Dusty shows Karen what he discovered at Horns Aplenty.

Dusty: He was so dirty he had to make a 'clean sweep'! (laughs)

Kevin: Let us explain, Mom. While we were there, we discovered that Thomas Horn stole these cleaning products and was planning to sell them for cheap on the Black Market!

Karen: That's why I made you come here. Selling cleaning products for cheap its totally legal here in Paradise.

Gina: What are you saying?

Karen: I'm saying is you guys arrested an innocent MAN!

All of the Paradise PD gasp when Karen said that.

Bullet: Please don't fire us. How were we supposed to know?

Karen: No I'm not going to fire you. In fact. I'm going to suspend you all for a week!

Gina: A week!? What'll we do until then?

Karen: Dusty, Stanley, and Gina can do what they please! As for you, Kevin and Randall.

Kevin (shivering in fear): Are we grounded?

Karen: No! You two need sail away!

Randall: We can't afford to go on a cruise.

Karen: It'll relax your nerves. Take this whole week to go on my Dad's boat and go out into the ocean for a while.

Kevin: That doesn't sound so bad. Almost sounds like a vacation!

Karen: I agree! Randall, you are so irate and rageful. You sure can use it!

Randall: OKay fine. If it'll make wifey feel all better!

Dusty: Yeah, you should've seen him overreact to horns.

Karen: That's my point, Dusty!

On the outside of the City Hall, Robbie and Delbert were listening in.

Robbie: Come on, Delbert! We got ourselves a jailbreak to do!

Delbert: This is our first time doing one! Let's go!

Robbie and Delbert go to Paradise PD Headquarters and help break out Thomas Horn.

Thomas Horn: Who the hell are you guys?

Delbert: We're your friends.

Robbie: We're going to help you break out and maybe get back at Randall Crawford.

Thomas Horn: You know. You both are right! I do want to get that asshole who beat me senseless because he heard a horn.

Delbert: We just heard him and Kevin are going on a boat.

Robbie: Do everything we tell you. Last we heard Randall is going to go on a boat with his son, Kevin.....

Scene 4:

At Lovely Corp, Puffy sees an unknown door that no one has ever seen. Puffy is daring Marcos Narcos to go in.

Puffy: I double dog dare you! I TRIPLE DOG dare you!

Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! I don't play childish dare games!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Frank, and Pedro along with Zeta all hear the commotion and go down to the hallway where the unknown door was.

Brett DeMarco: What's going on here?

Fitz: Why are you bombarding Marcos, Puffy?

Puffy The Cigarette: I found this door.

Marcos Narcos: It's a door no one has ever seen. He's egging me on to go inside!

Fitz: For as long as we've worked at Lovely Corp, there's still so much we don't know about it.

Zeta: We should go in, just to see what's inside.

Marcos Narcos: You locos have fun. I'm outta here.

Pedro Pooptooth (to Marcos): Suit yourself, puto!

Frank Flipperfist: We don't need him.

Fitz: What unknown secrets does this door have?

Opening the door, Fitz notices it's unlocked.

Frank Flipperfist: Charles Lovely didn't bother to lock it.

Fitz: Let's see what's inside.

Puffy The Cigarette: Oh boy! We'll finally get to see it!

Going inside the unknown room. Fitz, Puffy, Zeta, Brett, Frank, and Pedro All see a vacant bar that has never been used before.

Zeta: Wow, a bar! My uncle had one in his basement.

Fitz: Damn, you're right. It is a bar!

Brett DeMarco: It's like straight out of the movie Cocktail!

Frank Flipperfist: Or Road House! The Patrick Swayze version mind you.

Going around their new bar surroundings, Fitz discovers there's beer, wine, and lots of other alcoholic beverages.

Zeta: Wow, this place has all the beers. Budweiser, Miller, Schlitz...

Fitz: Even Billy Beer from 1977!

Puffy The Cigarette: Want to know what we should do? Let's fix this bar up and have people come in for drinks! Just like my favorite sitcom Cheers!

Fitz: NO! This is my bar. My Lovely Corp! It's not going to be a place where "Everybody Knows Your Name!"

Brett: Oh no! We are NOT going to resort to that bullshit!

Puffy The Cigarette: Why not!

Fitz: Brett has a point. We can't let anyone in town know we work here at Lovely Corp.

Frank Flipperfist: What should we do in this bar?

Fitz: Keep it for ourselves!

Pedro Pooptooth: Great idea, puto!

Fitz: Only we can use this. Not even the employees!

Zeta discovers all the arcade games and gets excited.

Brett DeMarco: So, now that we discovered this underground bar. Anyone want to get wasted?

Fitz: After all the hard work I put into working here! Count me in!

Zeta: I'm going to get wasted on these games, dude!

Fitz, Brett, Puffy, Frank, and Pedro all decide to knock back a few drinks. Zeta played the arcade games.

Scene 5:

At the Paradise Boating Docks. There was the Culpepper family boat called The Schooner tied to the wooden post. Robbie and Delbert drive Thomas Horn there, and drop him off!

Thomas Horn: Thanks guys, I'll take it from here!

Robbie: Have fun kicking Randall Crawford's sorry fat fucking ass!

Delbert: Do us a favor and drown him too!

Thomas Horn (calls out): I'll do more than that! Maybe I'll baptise him!

Robbie and Delbert drive off. Thomas Horn sneaks inside The Schooner boat and hides away. Karen is parking her car at the lot of the Paradise Boating Dock.

Karen: All right, Randall. This is the boat my family owns. The Schooner!

Kevin: Schooner? That name reminds me of that submarine game from Nintendo called Squoon.

Randall: Your parents are rich and you buy a piece of shit like this?

Karen: See? This is what you need to control! Your temper. Being out in the ocean can do you some good.

Randall: There's no horns on it, is there?

Karen: Just a trombone my Dad used to play. Kevin, you stay away from it.

Kevin: I will Mom.

Randall: We don't really have to go out into the ocean, do we? Can't we just stay on the boat without sailing?

Karen: Nope. Getting you away from society by way of the ocean is the best thing for you at this time. (to Kevin): When he least expects it, take the rope off the pole.

Kevin: Come on, Dad! You're going to be a first mate!

Randall: Why did I have to be dragged into this fuckload of a boat!

Kevin and Randall board the boat. Karen says her goodbyes and drives off. Unaware the Thomas Horn was hiding away underneath. Randall and Kevin look out at the ocean ahead of them.

Randall (yawns): For some reason this ocean is making me sleepy.

Kevin: Well I'm not in the mood to sleep. Look at this awesome ocean view Dad!

Randall: Not right now, Kevin. (yawns)

Kevin: Come on, Dad! Don't you want to feel that salty breeze on your skin? And all the fresh air? (breathes in and coughs)

Randall: I'm gonna take a nap! Right now, I don't want to hear you talk like a kooky ass father from a Nickelodeon sitcom!

Kevin waited for Randall to take his nap. When he did, Kevin untied the boat from the dock and now was sailing off.

Scene 6:

Bullet was walking into Police Headquarters. Dusty, Gina, and Stanley were following him there.

Gina: Uhh, Bullet? You do know we're on suspension, right?

Bullet: Guess the drugs are getting the better of me. I totally forgot.

Dusty: Shit! Now what will we do?

Gina: We're not even going to get paid for this week. Fucking twat waffle bitch mayor!

Bullet: I can be a better mayor than that!

Stanley: Say, I know! How about we do a remake of the Charlie Chaplin classic Gold Rush! We're sure to get some money then!

They all ignore Stanley's suggestion.

Dusty: I'm so fucking bored! (goes into his pockets and turns them inside out) I'm outta of money! Look! I have Hoover Flags! All we have are these cleaning products we confis....that's it! I know what we're going to do!

Bullet (as Arnold Drummond): What-Chu Talkin' About, Dusty?

Dusty: Remember when Karen said it was totally legal to steal cleaning products from a store and then sell them cheap at the Black Market?

Gina: Yeah, I can still hear her say that!

Dusty: This is what we can do until our suspension is up! We can sell these cleaning products.

Gina: I'm cool with this. What about you guys?

Bullet and Stanley: Yes!

Dusty: Let's go to my house. We'll sell them in my basement!

Bullet, Stanley, and Gina all follow Dusty back to his house to sell cleaning products cheap on the Black Market.

Scene 7:

At the Underground Bar in Lovely Corp. Fitz, Brett, Puffy, Frank, and Pedro are all enjoying their alcoholic drinks. Fitz was a little on the buzzed side, so he begins telling jokes that he's already told before. Zeta was still playing the arcade games.

Fitz: Hey, hey hey! (hick) I ran into (hick) Camaro Bob the other day. You'll never believe what he said?

Brett DeMarco: Oh no, not this again! (rolls eyes)

Frank Flipperfist: What did he say?

Puffy The Cigarette: He's going to take us to Disneyland?

Fitz: No, (hick) he told me Woof! Woof! Woof! Hello, my name is Rags! (cracks up then hicks)

Pedro Pooptooth (sighs): He always has to quote that Sleeper movie when he's drunk!

Puffy The Cigarette: Aww, I was hoping for a Disneyland trip.

Fitz: Oh, grow up Puffy! Childish asshole! Anyway, I have a question for all of you?

Brett DeMarco: Think I might know what it is.....

Fitz: Do you all like Hot Music?

Frank Flipperfist: Is this going to be a Phantom Of The Paradise thing?

Fitz: You all know what to say.....(hick)

Brett DeMarco: You're the one who likes these jokes so much. You tell us!

Fitz: OKay okay. (hick) No I Like Paganini! (cracks up)

Puffy the Cigarette screams in frustration.

Frank Flipperfist: What the fuck is up your ass?

Brett DeMarco: We're not enjoying Fitz's movie quotes any more than you are.

Puffy The Cigarette: Let's talk about something else for a chance.

Fitz: Okay, Puffy. I'll give you a chance. What do you want to talk about? (hick)

Puffy The Cigarette: Who do you think is the King Of Beers?

Fitz: That's easy, Budweiser! It's beachwood aged! (cracks up): I dunno, man! I've always thought those words were so hilarious! Beachwood aged! (says beachwood aged 20 times over)

Brett DeMarco: Obvious answer. I've always liked Busch better.

Puffy The Cigarette: No! Busch is stupid! Budweiser is king!

Frank Flipperfist: I prefer Michelob!

Pedro Pooptooth: I like Santori.

Brett DeMarco: You mean that one with the commercial of Sammy Davis Jr add libbing? Puh-leese. Busch all the way!

Puffy The Cigarette: NO! NO! NO! Budweiser! Budweiser! Budweiser! Let me tell you all about the King! You see The King....

45 minutes later, Puffy was the drunkest he's ever been.

Puffy The Cigarette: The King The King The King The King The King!

Fitz: Puffy, I may be buzzed. But don't you realize all you did was the The King repeatedly for the past 45 fucking minutes?!

Puffy The Cigarette: The King The King The King! The King! The King!

Brett DeMarco: I'll shut his ass up!

Walking over to Puffy Brett smacks him upside the head.

Pedro Pooptooth: I also like Corona, Coors Light, and Heineken!

Out of nowhere, a light came from outside the door. Everyone took notice. The light shone of Fitz making him sober again. The light made the door open, and in comes one of the Clydesdale Horses. The Clydesdale Horse theme song played.

Zeta (screams): It's the horse from the Busch Beer commercials!

Clydesdale Horse: All right. Which one of you was making a mockery out of my beloved beer?

Fitz, Brett, Zeta, Frank, and Pedro all point to Puffy. The Clydeshorse turns to Puffy who then gulped with fear.

Scene 8:

Now in the middle of the ocean. On the boat called The Schooner. Kevin was out on the deck of the boat. Watching birds fly by and fish swim all around.

Kevin: Ahh, this is the life. At this rate. I don't mind being off the force for a while.

Randall wakes up from his nap. Feeling better than he's ever been.

Kevin: Dad! You're up from your nap! Awesome to see you feeling so good!

Randall: Indeed I do feel good, Kevin! This boat trip actually was a cool idea. Even though we're tied to the dock still. I've never been so relaxed in my life! Best of all, no horns in sight!

Kevin: Yeah, even I was getting tired of hearing those horns while on the mission back there.

Randall soon took notice that he and Kevin were out in the middle of the ocean.

Kevin: Oooh, yes that's right. I untied the boat from the...

Randall: WHAT!!!! You were supposed to keep the boat anchored to the wooden pole at the Boating Dock! Why did you unleash the boat when I specifically told you not to!

Kevin: Mom told me to do it! Be mad at her, not me!

Randall: I'm mad at both of you! You ever more so! Why do you always take orders from your Mom anyway! What're you? Her loyal lap dog!

Kevin: I can't say no to her. You ought to look at all those ocean space! There's birds, fish, and....

Before Kevin can finish, Randall looks around for fishing poles or to see if Karen has packed any food, and comes up short. Randall's temper begins to flare up again.

Kevin: Dad. Dad! This is what Mom warned you about! Watch yourself! Your anger is coming back!

Randall: There's no fishing polls around.....and no icebox.

Kevin: Oh no! Seriously? What's the issue here, Dad?

Randall: Well, I don't know, Kevin. If only we had some......FFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD! (screams in Kevin's face)

The scream from Randall was so loud it echoed across the ocean.

Kevin: Sheesh, Dad! What is this? Waterworld all of a sudden!

Randall: We might as well be in Waterworld! You should can use Kevin Costner! Actually, you get Kevin Costner and I get Jeanne Tripplehorn. Man I'd love to fuck her so bad!

Kevin: I have a plan. There's a trombone on this boat that Grandpa used to play. How about if I play the trombone, and you use your anger to catch some fish for us to eat! How about it!

Randall: You have my approval! But just this one you will use the horn! Got it!

Kevin: Aye Aye, Skipper!

Beginning to play the trombone, Kevin blows into it and plays a song. Which sends Randall into a flying rage.

Randall: horns...horns...Horns....HORNS!

Splashing into the water, Randall uses his angry strength to kill any fish coming his way. Just then, Thomas Horn decides to make his move. Then backs out.

Thomas Horn: I'll wait a little bit longer. Let them sweat a while.

Scene 9:

In Dusty's basement. Setting up a desk and a cash register. Dusty waits for Gina and Bullet to come back with stolen cleaning products.

Stanley: Damn, Dusty! What's taking so long?

Dusty: Just gotta be patient. Gina and Bullet should've been back by now.

Gina and Bullet enter Dusty's basement.


Dusty: Finally! About time!

Gina: This is really fun if you think about it!

Bullet: Think I have a new addiction! Shoplifting!

Dusty: Okay, you bums. Put all the cleaning supplies down by the floor.

Gina and Bullet do so.

Bullet: What should we call out business?

Dusty: I got one. Dusty's Discount Black Market!

Gina: That sounds too obvious!

Bullet: You fucking moron! That'll attract negative attention! Then we'll all be prison if things go wrong! Don't you know what they do to ex-cops in prison!

Dusty: Think you can do better? You think of something.

Gina: Who cares about a store name to get attention. (scoffs) All the good store names have been taken.

Bullet: Well, you're right Dusty. This WAS my idea. We can use the internet.

Dusty: That's a Start!

Bullet: That's it! We'll call our business That's A Start!

Going to a computer to get their Black Market business up and going. The computer was already turned on by Stanley who was humping a bottle of Mr. Clean. Dusty, Gina, and Bullet soon took notice.

Dusty, Gina, and Bullet: STANLEY?!?!?!!?

Stanley: Ever heard the expression, Sex Sells?

Dusty, Gina, and Bullet look at Stanley in annoyance.

Stanley: Anyone here think Mr. Clean was inspiration from The Amazing Colossal Man? Glenn Langan was one hunk of man!

Scene 10:

In the Underground Bar at Lovely Corp. The Clydesdale Horse is glowing and is standing next to Puffy.

Puffy The Cigarette: To what I do owe this honor Mr. King Of Beers? (laughs nervously)

Clydesdale Horse: I am here to teach you a lesson. First off, I will not be known as KING anymore? Got it? (under his breath) At my line of work these days I have to appease the snowflakes.

Puffy The Cigarette (nervous): Uhh, uhh, uhh, Yes sir! Any particular reason why you want to be called Leader?

Clydesdale Horse: Because royalty promotes corruption and capitalism! Take a look at the British Royals and you'll see what I mean!

Puffy The Cigarette: Okay. Sure.....What else? (panting)

Clydesdale Horse: From now on, I want to be called Busweiser Leader! You understand?!?!?!

Puffy The Cigarette: Understood, sir!

Clydesdale Horse: Good good! (turns to Fitz, Brett, Pedro, and Frank): You want me to waste this guy?

Fitz: He's a worthless failure! It was a huge mistake hiring him! Beat the crap out of him!

Brett DeMarco: You have our permission!

Clydesdale Horse: Another thing. I'm still angry as hell that Budweiser wanted to replace me with some Tiktok star.

Frank Flipperfist: Kick his ass!

Pedro Pooptooth: Preferably the balls!

The Clydesdale Horse kicks Puffy as he flies to the end of the Underground Bar.

Fitz: Honestly, I have NO idea why we keep him around!

Clydesdale Horse (still glowing and walks over to Puffy): Anything you wish?

Puffy The Cigarette: Yes! I wish there was no Budweiser beer!

Clydesdale Horse: Not only am I a mascot! I am also a wish granter! Done!

A puff of smoke surrounds the Underground Bar. When the smoke clears Fitz notices all the Budweiser beer is gone. The Clydesdale Horse disappears too.

Fitz: WHAT THE FUCK! Where the fuck is the Budweiser?

Zeta: It must've disappeared when Puffy made that wish.

Fitz: You're right.

Frank Flipperfist: Now that we have no Budweiser! Who is the King of Beers now?

Fitz: Damn you, Puffy! This is all your fault! You just had to trigger the Clydesdale Horse, didn't you!

Pedro Pooptooth: I suggest you fire his ass! NOW!

Puffy The Cigarette: I didn't mean it! I didn't know!

Pedro Pooptooth: He also got too drunk for his own good!

Brett DeMarco: Maybe we should do something for his own good! We'll have your miserable....

Before anyone can lambaste Puffy any longer. A knock his heard at the door. Brett goes to get it. On the other side, there was a tall man with a baseball cap, short brown hair, A Sam Addams shirt, blue jeans and brown boots. The man was the mascot from the Sam Addams beer commercials. Your Cousin From Boston.

Brett DeMarco: Can I help you?

Cousin from Boston: Now that Budweiser is gone! Sam Addams can now take over!

A ding is heard along with the jingle, "YOUR COUSIN FROM BOSTON!"

Fitz: NNNNOOOO! Not him! Fuck you, Puffy!

Brett DeMarco: Now look what you did!

Frank Flipperfist: Budweiser is gone because of you!

Fitz: Now we're stuck with Sam Addams!

Cousin From Boston: I'm taking over this bar now!

Brett DeMarco: Well, I guess this ends our story in this fanfic.

Fitz: Oh shit! Now we're really in for it! (sobs)

Pedro Pooptooth (consoling Fitz): There there puto! It'll be okay!

Puffy The Cigarette: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry! I didn't mean for the King of Beers to cease to exist! (sobs)

A aerial view of the Underground Bar is shown. Morgan Freeman is narrating.

Morgan Freeman: Gerald Fitzgerald. This is something I will never understand. Why does he keep around bumbling fools to....oh shit. Apologies. I lost my train of thought. Anyway (ahem) the Budweiser beer will come back in the next fanfic. And yes, Brett is right. This does conclude their story in this fanfic.

Scene 11:

On the Schooner still out in the middle of the ocean, Randall caught a huge pile of fish. Kevin was pleased.

Kevin: Wow, Dad. This is one time I am thankful for your temper.

Randall: Really came though here, didn't I?

Kevin: So, let's dig into these fish, shall we?

Randall: Yeah, but first we have to scale them, debone them, and gut them.

Kevin: A lot more work than I thought it would be to eat a fish.

Randall: You want to swallow them whole? That can kill you. Karen never should have let you watch Finding Nemo when you were a kid!

As Kevin and Randall were about to tend to the fish. Thomas Horn jumps out in front of them.

Randall (gasps): Thomas Horn! What're you doing here?

Kevin: Aren't you supposed to be in a holding cell?

Randall: Did my mayor wife give you a pardon?

Thomas Horn: No, nothing like that. You arrested me for something I was doing that was totally legal!

Randall: Look, we didn't know it wasn't a crime to sell cleaning products cheap! OKay?

Kevin: The whole thing was a mistake! So sue us!

Thomas Horn (pulls out a gun): Two nice rednecks helped me escape!

Randall (whispers to himself): Robbie and Delbert.

Thomas Horn: So I followed you here on this boat so I blow your heads off!

Randall and Kevin assume the surrender position.

Thomas Horn: I won't be doing this alone, either! I even have a little friend here. My gun, of course. His name is Tom Jr!

Kevin (sweats profusely as does Randall): Hi, Tom Jr! How are you doing?

Randall: Don't humor him!

Thomas Horn: Now what I am going to do with you two!

Seeing the pile of fish Randall caught, Thomas Horn kicks them off!

Kevin: That was our lunch!

Thomas Horn: NOT ANYMORE! First tell me your names?

Randall: Randall. Randall Crawford.

Kevin: I'm his son, Kevin. Same last name by the way.

Thomas Horn: You two are no longer Randall and Kevin. You two are now Penis and Scrotum!

Kevin: Which one of us is Penis? Me?

Thomas Horn: The fat one. You will be Scrotum!

Randall: Me? Penis! Goddamit!

Kevin: Yeah, sure. heh heh.

Randall: What is our fate?

Thomas Horn: Oh yes that. Before I kill you both with Tom Jr. Just like the death row inmates you two will be provided with a last meal. I give you two choices. Number one: Meat-Ghetti and Spagballs, or Sex Foam and Condoms! Choice is yours.

Randall: Meat-Ghetti And Spagballs? You got that from American Dad!

Kevin: Yeah, didn't Hayley invent that on the show?

Thomas Horn: Shut up! Choose!

Nothing but tone dead silence from both Randall and Kevin.

Thomas Horn: All right. Sex foam and condoms it is! While I prepare your meal, here's a little song for you that'll be great with this situation!

Turning on the radio, Marcy Playground's Sex and Candy plays. Thomas Horn comes back with the sex foam and condoms. Randall and Kevin wait with dread.

Thomas Horn: Fun fact about this song. It was originally going to be called "Sweet Vagina"!

Randall: Here's what to do. Call Gina on her cellphone on speed dial. When I say 'pass the salt' that's your cue to do so. If possible, use the trombone if things get worse.

Kevin: It's a deal, Penis!

It's a good thing Kevin brought his cellphone. He brings it with him everywhere he goes.

Thomas Horn (coming out with the dinner): Eat Hearty, mother fuckers! Consider this your punishment for arresting an innocent man!

Kevin: Who's this innocent man we arrested?

Thomas Horn: Who do you think, SCROTUM! ME! Now shut up and eat!

Randall and Kevin eat with hesitance at the fake dinner they were forced to eat.

Kevin: Mmm, this sex foam is delicious!

Randall: These condoms are to die for!

Thomas Horn: Ironic you say that since you're going to be killed after eating that! (evil laugh)

Scene 12:

Back in Dusty's basement which is now called That's A Start Dollar Shop. Business was blooming. Thanks to Stanley humping a bottle of Mr. Clean.

Bullet: Woah! We're doing better than any dollar store around here!

Dusty: That's a fact, Bullet! People aren't even shoplifting our stuff.

Gina: They're actually paying! Social media does take you places.

Stanley welcomes in more and more customers.

Dusty: Hey, customers! Welcome to That's A Start! Where we sell products clean off!

Stanley: I'm the hostess with the mostess!

Bullet: You know, I think I'm actually enjoying this more than Police Work!

Gina: Totally agree! Maybe we can do this for the rest of our lives! To hell with busting criminals!

Dusty: As Bubsy the Bobcat would say, "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"

Bullet: In the words of Jefferson Starship (sotto voice): It's not like I listen to those cock suckers. (Normal voice): Nothing's gonna stop us now!

For a split second, the scene changes back to the Schooner in the ocean. Thomas Horn looks away. Randall gives Kevin the word.

Randall: Pass The Salt.

Seconds later, Gina then gets a ring on her cellphone.

Scene 13 Conclusion.

Gina answers the phone.

Kevin: Gina! Is that you!

Gina: Yes, it's me Kevin! Are you and your Dad having fun on The Love Boat with Gavin McLoed?

Kevin: No, far from it! Thomas Horn escaped from prison and now he's on our boat trying to kill us. All because we arrested him for what we thought was a crime!

Gina: I'll be right over! (hangs up cellphone) Twat Waffles, we have a situation!

Bullet: Oh no, what! I was hoping nothing was going to ruin our fun.

Gina: Kevin and Randall destroyed our fun with this.

Dusty: What's going on with them?

Gina: Apparently, that guy we arrested who turned out to be innocent escaped from jail and snuck aboard their boat.

Bullet: Stanley, take over for us!

Stanley: Why me?

Bullet: Because we have a police chief to save!

Dusty: Don't forget Kevin!

Gina: Yeah, him too! We'll use the Paradise PD speed boat!

On their way to save Kevin and Randall who were now in even more danger than ever. Bullet, Gina, and Dusty fire up the Paradise PD Speed Boat. Back on the Schooner. Thomas Horn was chasing Randall around the boat. Kevin didn't know what to do.

Thomas Horn: Come back here, Penis! What's wrong with you, Scrotum? I want to kill you both you know. (shoots his gun in the air every 5 seconds)

Kevin: Oh please Gina, Bullet, and Dusty! Come save us!

Randall: Kevin! Don't just stand there! Do something!

Kevin: I wish I can help but....that's it! I'll blow into the trombone!

Randall: Please! I'm getting tired of running!

Kevin uses the trombone and plays Don't Stop Believing by Journey. When Randall hears the horns, he unleashes a venomous fury like never before.

Randall: horns....horns...

Thomas Horn: You can't stand horns? (cackles)


Thomas Horn then found himself getting beaten nearly to death because of Randall's rage about horns.

Randall (beating on Thomas Horn): Hmm, never thought I'd beat up anyone to a Journey song!

About to finish him off, Randall pulls Thomas Horn by the shirt collar. Who was all knocked out

Randall: Hey, Thomas Horn! You're about to take the midnight train! TO HELL! (punches and kicked Thomas Horn off the boat)

Thomas Horn was then thrown overboard and fed to sharks. Kevin stopped playing the song. Randall was thankful Kevin came though.

Randall: Wow, Kevin! I have one person to extend my gratitude towards for helping me kick Thomas Horn's ass.

Kevin: Me, right?

Randall: Nope, Steven Perry!

Kevin: Oh hell.

Randall: Did you call the others?

Kevin: Yes, they're on their way.

Bullet, Gina, and Dusty are speeding towards the Schooner where Randall and Kevin were on in the Paradise PD speedboat.

Dusty (over megaphone): Miami Vice! Freeze! (laughs) always wanted to do that


Kevin: We are so glad to see you!

Bullet: We got your call.

Gina: We came as soon as we could.

Dusty: Everything okay?

Randall: It is now. Wow, you would not believe all the power I had beating Thomas Horn's ass!

Gina: Let me guess, testosterone patches?

Randall: Better, the...why don't you tell them, Kevin.

Kevin: I played the trombone and Dad went insanely psycho bonkers!

Dusty: Show us!

Kevin: I'd be glad to!

Randall was begging Kevin not to blow the trombone but Kevin does anyway. Randall then goes into another flying rage.

Bullet: Hit the deck!

Dusty: Police Chief Attack!

Gina: Back on the speedboat!


Bullet drags Kevin onto the Paradise PD Speedboat. Gina and Dusty soon follow. Randall unleashes his wrath on the Schooner smashing it to smithereens. Once Randall realized what he's done. He swims after Bullet, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty who were now sailing away on the Paradise PD Speedboat. Back on dry land and back to town.


Another aerial view is shown this time from the ocean. Morgan Freeman narrates again.

Morgan Freeman: Well, there you have it. When everyone came back from the ocean. Mayor Karen uplifted their suspension. The Paradise PD got their jobs back. As for Stanley, well, he became a Tiktok star when he took over the That's A Start Black Market store in Dusty's basement. This is Morgan Freeman. It was a pleasure to do a voiceover for Paradise PD. A change never hurt anyone. Good luck and God Bless.

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