Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Zero Calories
0 reviewsMayor Karen wants a cancer ward for the local hospital. Kevin, Gina, and Bullet discover some diet bars that might hold the key.
0Unrated
This fanfic was originally going to be golf themed. And was going to be called Zero Holes. But now I changed it into something better.
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title
Zero Calories
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Making a speech at City Hall. Karen was telling everyone in town something she believes is important. Anton was standing next to her. The Paradise PD sans Dusty was there in the audience.
Karen: My fellow residents. As I was visiting sick children at Paradise Hospital today. I noticed something.
Anton: Uh, yes. Kevin needs a brain transplant!
Kevin: (scoffs) Leave it to Anton to make up cruel jokes about me.
Randall (cracks up): Lighten up, Kevin! It's hilarious.
Karen: No! Not that, Anton! Go sit down and be quiet. Anyway, I noticed as I was walking out of the hospital. There's no cancer ward!
The people in town gasp in horror.
Karen: You heard correctly. So, it's up to us as a community to donate money for this good cause. Thank you, good luck, God Bless, and keep reaching for the stars!
Bullet: Your wife uses Casey Kasum quotes!
The townspeople make their leave as do the Paradise PD.
Bullet: I had no idea there was no cancer ward at the hospital.
Randall: You heard my wife. We need to come up with ways to make money so we can have one.
Kevin: Do any of us have anything in mind?
Gina: How about a mud wrestling tornament?
Bullet: We're all missing the bigger picture here. How about I sell drugs in the Evidence Locker?
Randall: No! No! No! No! No! That'll ruin our rep.
Kevin: We need to do something good, something big.
Stanley: How about this? Take nude pics of all the men in town here? I used to take nude pics of W.C. Fields!
Randall: Every fucking time we think of an idea, we always come up short.
Everyone notices Dusty isn't around.
Randall: Has anyone seen Dusty?
Kevin: Last I checked he was playing an Earthworm Jim game.
Randall (gets his cellphone): Well I'm going to get his fat ass down here at once!
Calling Dusty on his phone. Randall waits for him to pick up. Sure enough, Kevin was correct. Dusty was playing Earthworm Jim on an old Sega Genesis. Dusty answers his phone as he pauses the game.
Dusty: Dusty's Chicken Truck!
Randall: Dusty! It's Randall. I need you to do something for me.
Dusty: Whatever shall it be?
Randall: My wife Karen just gave a speech and wants us to donate money for a cancer ward at the hospital.
Dusty: This sounds series, Randall. What would you like me to do?
Randall: Drive the paddywagon around town.
Once Dusty heard about driving the paddywagon. He froze for a few seconds and then ran away.
Randall: Hello? Hello? Dusty? You still there! (hangs up cellphone) Son of a bitch!
Kevin: What happened?
Randall: Prepare yourselves, for Dusty is about to have a tantrum everyone.
Scene 2:
Dusty came running in crying and screaming outside of City Hall.
Bullet: Will somebody please give this fat shit some Melatonin?
Gina: Dusty? You okay?
Kevin: Why is he crying like this?
Stanley: He cries worse than Jackie Cooper.
Dusty: I'll tell you why! But first I have some good news.
Bullet: Usually people start with bad news first.
Dusty: The good news is I got to Bob on Earthworm Jim. The bad news is, I have to drive the fucking paddywagon! (screams)
Kevin: I don't get it. Why does Dusty hate the paddywagon?
Dusty: It's my least favorite thing in this job! (sobs)
Randall: Two weeks ago, I had Dusty drive the paddywagon to arrest Robbie and Delbert. And they made fun of his weight the whole time.
Dusty: I don't wanna drive the paddywagon! They're going to make so much fun of me!
Randall: You're driving that paddywagon whether you like it or not!
Gina: I can go with him....
Randall: No! This is something Dusty must do himself!
Dusty: Why do I need to drive the paddywagon?
Randall: So you can drive around town and ask people to make donations for a cancer ward.
Dusty: No I refuse and...
Randall: Either drive the paddywagon or you're fired! Choice is yours.
Dusty: (gives in): All right. I'm doing this for the cancer patients.
Kevin: Want us to do anything?
Randall: In the meantime, you, Gina, and Bullet go around town and see if you can try to find something that can give us money. In case Dusty and the paddywagon doesn't work out.
Kevin (To Gina and Bullet): Hey, guys. I know a place where there's buried treasure! Follow me.
Gina and Bullet with reluctance follow Kevin. Dusty proceeds to drive the paddywagon.
Scene 3:
Kevin, Bullet, and Gina go try to find some treasure. Dusty was driving around town in the paddywagon. Talking though a megaphone.
Dusty: Come one, come all. We need money for a good cause! So cancer patients can get good health care!
Driving around, Dusty digs in his pockets and gets out a bobblehead.
Dusty: At least I got you, Wall Eyed Wally bobblehead. You can help me get though this.
Some people gathered around and gave some money to the paddywagon.
Dusty: Hmm, maybe this isn't so bad. Damn, this is almost like that movie High Ballin'! Only with a paddywagon!
In an open field Preacher Paul and his unnamed husband were standing on some dirt.
Husband: It's been five years since you buried that.
Preacher Paul: I know.
Husband: Why did you even do that anyway? Who knows what type of ramifications await if someone else digs it. Considering how long it's been buried!
Preacher Paul: Nobody will find it. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to be a sell out. Gotta stay true to my Christian Beliefs and not have my followers think I'm some kind of money crazed fiend.
Husband: You made the right choice. You listened to God not Satan. You're a good man.
Preacher Paul: I was only doing what God told me. I already know I am a good man. Don't need to tell me.
Husband: In that case. Do we really even need to be here? Let's just go back to church.
Preacher Paul nods in agreement. He and his husband leave the open field. Kevin was leading Gina and Bullet to the supposed buried treasure which was in that very same spot Preacher Paul and his husband were standing.
Bullet: Oh shit. Why do I get the feeling a Pirates Of The Carribean scenario is going to play out in this?
Kevin: Nothing like that, Bullet.
Gina: Pirates weren't the only ones who buried gold. Cowboys did too.
Kevin: Listen to me. 700 years ago, there was a treasure box full of gold that was buried here in Paradise. By a pirate that nobody knew......
Bullet: FUCK! I knew it! I must be psychic!
Gina: How do you know that, Kevin?
Kevin: It's a legend. That's been passed around from generation to generation.
Gina: Who buried it? Does this twat waffle pirate have a NAME?
Kevin: Nobody knows who, when, or why this treasure was buried. But the gold that's buried is sure to make us enough money to get the cancer ward in the hospital my mom wants.
Bullet: OKay, let's dig!
Doing the digging, Bullet makes a hole until he hits something hard.
Bullet: I got it!
Kevin: See? I was telling the truth!
Gina: Bullet, what did you find?
Coming up from the hole, Bullet gets out a box that looks like a treasure box.
Bullet: I found it! Now let's open it up!
Gina: I'll do it!
Using her strength, Gina opens the treasure box. Instead of gold as Kevin as expected. It was candy bars used for diets. It was called Choco-Cock.
Bullet (laughs): We dug up candy bars! And look at the name! (cracks up) I was expecting to dig up a skeleton that says, "NO GOLD IN ME!" Anyone remember that in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly?
Gina: This is it! Our ticket to the big time!
Kevin: How are some diet bars...
Gina: Don't you see Kevin? People make harvest winnings out of these diet bars.
Kevin: Now that you mention it. You're right. Let's see if Dad will approve though.
On their way back to Headquarters, Kevin, Gina, and Bullet hear a crash nearby.
Gina: Mama's gonna kick some ass now....
Kevin, Gina, and Bullet went to the scene where the crash was heard. The paddywagon crashed into a streetlight. Dusty ran out and chased Robbie and Delbert, the duo planted a bag of sugar in the paddywagon's tailpipe! Dusty was chasing after them.
Dusty: Robbie and Delbert! Want to know what you are? You're both a bunch of crackheaded sons of...
The Theme To Good, The Bad, and The Ugly plays.
Kevin: Hope Dad will like the idea of selling these diet bars.
Scene 4:
At Lovely Corp. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were about to leave. As if they were going on a trip. Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos were sitting in the lounge room listening to their bosses.
Brett DeMarco: Gerald Fitzgerald has something he wants to say! Pay attention! (uses stick to loudly hit a wall)
Fitz: Attention you sorry asses! Listen up! Brett and I are going to a business meeting in Tulsa. So you guys hold the fort while we're away.
Brett DeMarco: That's right. You guys are in charge while we're gone. And no fuck ups! (points laser pointer at the lounge room.)
Fitz: It was okay when I was the Kingpin when we were the Legion of DOOOOOM.....
Brett DeMarco: That's all in the past now!
Fitz: Now you're all Lovely Corp employees these days! I demand competence! Cooperation! The rules still apply even when I am not here!
Zeta: Bye, guys! Be good while we're gone!
Brett DeMarco: Let's go. We don't want to miss our flight!
Fitz: It leaves in 3 hours we'll be able to make it.
Zeta: I'm going to check out that skating rink and bowling alley there!
Fitz: Of course! We'll have some fun there too!
Brett DeMarco: And we MEAN IT!
When Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta made their departure. Frank, Pedro, Marcos Narcos, and the Russian Mobster huddle around a table, their faces determined. The coffee machine gurgles in the background.
Frank Flipperfist: Listen up, team. Ever since we've worked here at Lovely Corp. Gerald Fitzgerald and Brett DeMarco have turned our lives into a bureaucratic nightmare. Strict schedules, regulations, and paperwork up to our eyeballs!
Pedro Pooptooth: Yeah, Puto! I miss the good ol’ days when we could sell houndstooth and argyle meth on the streets. And now we can't go a day without filling out a 27B/6 form.
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! And don’t get me started on the mandatory sensitivity training. I’m a drug lord, not a feelings guru!
Russian Mobster: Da, comrades. We must teach them a lesson they won’t forget.
Pedro leads the gang who all sneak into the closet room, where Gerald and Brett’s prized possessions are stored. Rows of confiscated items gleam under the fluorescent lights.
Frank Flipperfist: Pedro, grab those suits. The ones they wear during their ‘management meetings.’
Pedro Pooptooth: Got it, Frank. These are some fancy threads!
Marcos Narcos: And I’ll take their gold-plated stapler. It’s time to put it to better use.
Russian Mobster: I’ll snag their stress balls. They need to learn to relax. That way they'll have to get from point A...B....C! ha ha ha!
Frank, Pedro, and Marcos look at Russian Mobster in a annoyed sense.
Russian Mobster: I mentioned before I gave up counting for the alphabet!
Frank Flipperfist: Whatever. (rolls eyes)
Pedro Pooptooth: What will we do with all this stuff?
Frank Flipperfist: Sell it in an auction of course. All we need is a male model to wear the suits.
Russian Mobster: Isn't that gay? Guys like us.....oh never mind.
Marcos Narcos: Where will we find a male model?
Frank Flipperfist: I think I know who.....
Scene 5:
At Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was waiting for his recruits to enter to start the work day. Bullet was already there.
Bullet: I knew Dusty wouldn't last long in that paddywagon.
Randall: I counted the money he collected in that. We only made $500 so far.
Bullet: Let's face it. This is another one of your wife's pipe dreams and.....
Kevin comes in with the treasure box. Gina and Dusty walk in to report for work. Stanley goes into the bathroom.
Stanley: Don't mind me!
Dusty: Reporting for duty! Please don't make me drive the paddywagon again.
Gina: So, Kevin. Show him what dug up.
Kevin (shows Randall an open treasure box): This chocolate bars are filled with dreams!
Bullet: Hmm, I kind of like the name of those. Choco-Cock! Are they shaped like cocks?
Randall: How are these fucking chocolate bars going to make us some money?
Kevin: Well, Gina told me people make a ton of dough selling diet bars.
Gina: It's true Chief! Lots of famous people come up with this diet shit all the time! Ryan Seacrest, Gwenyth Paltrow, Dr. Phil, Jennifer Aniston....the list goes on.
Bullet: Howard Stern advertised that Hollywood Diet drink circa 20 years ago.
Dusty (looks at the diet bars): They come in different flavors too. Vanilla, Strawberry, Banana, Cherry Cheesecake!
Randall: Okay, I'm all for it! Only one problem remains.
Bullet: What is it?
Randall: Where the hell are we going to find some obese people to sell these bars too?
Kevin: I think there's a Weight Watchers group around here.
Randall: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I mean a city full of fat people! Not some lame ass support group!
Dusty: I know a place!
Gina: Please tell us! What do you know?
Dusty: Every year in Little Chute Wisconsin there's a Cheese Festival! Lots of fat people go there. I should know. I used to go there 10 years ago, until I got banned for eating all the cheese.
Stanley (comes out of the bathroom): Did we come up with an idea for money rising?
Randall: Too late, old man! We decided that we're selling diet bars!
Stanley: Is anyone still up for nude male....
Bullet: Nope, that's out of the question!
Kevin: So, we going to Wisconsin?
Randall: Yes we are! Wisconsin here we come!
Dusty: To the Cheese Festival!
Stanley: Do I get to come too?
Gina: No! Someone has to stay behind and watch the police station!
Stanley was left behind as Randall, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, and Dusty all took off for Wisconsin. Robbie and Delbert who were in a holding cell bust out and stomp on Stanley.
Bullet (outside): Can we stop at Milwaukee on the way back?
Stanley: I've got a million of them! Am I mortified.....(gurgles)
Scene 6:
Outside Lovely Corp, there was a large garage. Frank decides this is the best place for an auction.
Marcos Narcos: Where do you want us to put the items we confiscated from the Paradise PD?
Frank Flipperfist: The tables will be fine.
Pedro Pooptooth (Holds a bundle of suits): How will we present the suits?
Russian Mobster (gets a rolling clothes rack): On this of course. These hangers are labled D...E....F....G...H! ha ha ha ha ha!
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! Nobody gives a fuck if you are doing the alphabet!
Stanley was walking down the streets all saddened that he didn't get to join the Paradise PD for a trip to Wisconsin.
Frank Flipperfist: Hey look! It's that bisexual eldery police officer! Stanley Hopsin.
Running up to Stanley, Frank has a plan.
Pedro Pooptooth: What are you going to do?
Frank Flipperfist (to Pedro calling out) You'll see. (turns to Stanley): Hello, old testicles? Are you lost?
Stanley: No, my fellow cops ditched me for a trip. Just like the time I ditched Buster Crabbe in Badge of Honor. But that's another story.
Frank Flipperfist: You know. We're having an auction here.
Stanley: Whatever for? Selling cattle?
Frank Flipperfist: No. More like selling suits. The ones our domineering autocratic bosses wear. We tend to sell those while they're away on a trip.
Stanley: What are you getting at?
Frank Flipperfist: Would you like to be a male model? Model the suits we're selling!
Stanley: Would I!
Frank Flipperfist: Yes! Sign here on the dotted line. (holds out paper)
Stanley signs the paper. Frank leads him to the garage.
Frank Flipperfist: We found our male model!
Pedro Pooptooth: He'll do. Only one thing I suggest.
Frank Flipperfist: What is it?
Pedro Pooptooth: We dress him up like David Hasslehoff!
Frank Flipperfist: I like it! That way those suits will really sell!
Marcos Narcos: Let's bring it on!
Soon, Frank, Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, and Pedro were all dressing up Stanley as David Hasslehoff.
Stanley: What're you all doing?
Frank Flipperfist: We're dressing you up like Gregory Peck!
Pedro Pooptooth: On The Beach Gregory Peck!
Stanley: I'm fine with that! I liked him!
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were in Little Chute Wisconsin at the Yearly Annual Cheese Festival. Randall sets up a tent and proceeds to try to sell the cheese. Sure enough, there were obese people there.
Dusty: See Chief! There are fat people here! I told you so!
Randall: Please don't say "I told you so!"
Kevin: Those are your trigger words, right?
Gina (gets aroused): Ooooh! I would fuck each and every one of these sexy beasts! Not gonna lie, even the women!
Bullet puts up a sign on the tent that says, "Choco-Cock Weight Loss Bars". 2 hours later, the obese people at the Cheese Festival did not notice the weight loss bars.
Randall: God Dammit! What does it take to get some fat people to notice a fucking candy bar?!
Dusty: They're too distracted by the cheese, rightfully so.
Gina (gets a microphone and stereo): I'll just hook this up to our stereo here.
The sound of feedback gets some of the people's attention.
Bullet: Where did you get that microphone and stereo?
Gina: I brought it here, stole it from the Evidence Room.
Bullet: Good to see I'm not the only one who steals from there!
Kevin: Step into the mic, Dad. Say something that will attract attention.
Randall: OKay. By the way, we're selling diet bars, not Micatin!
About to speak into the remote, Randall gets his bearings and speaks to get attention from the fat festival goers. Randall talks in a radio announcer voice.
Randall: Use Choco-Cock Social Media Friends! The Candy Bar That Gives Your Body That Abercombie and Finch Look!
The plan is beginning to work. All the obese people are wanting to come over to the Choco-Cock tent courtesy of the Paradise PD.
Randall: How will all your friends know you have lost weight? When Your Body Doesn't Have The Abercombie and Finch Look, Hmmm?
Gina: Look at all those fat hotties lining up! Keep going, Randall!
Randall: Just put Choco-Cock In A Glass Of Water And Listen To It Fizz.....
Kevin gets a party slide and makes a sound with it, and Dusty gets a yo-yo and begins doing tricks. Bullet takes the party slide and yo-yo away.
Randall (grunts): Fuck Heads! Anyway, Choco-Cock spelled sideways is Cha-CA! CA! CA!
All the obese people standing in line want to pay for the Choco-Cock bars!
Obese Man #1: I want one!
Obese Woman #1: Me too!
Obese Man #2: I'm sick of being fat!
Obese Woman #2: I'll show my boobs for one!
Obese Man #3: I'll give you a rim job!
Obese Woman #3: I'll do a striptease!
In no time at all, the bast majority of the obese people at the Cheese Festival began to give the Paradise PD all their money.
Gina: You can give me some money if you want any sexual favors...
Bullet: HEY!
Gina (mocking voice): Okay, I won't do that. The little puppy can't take it psychologically!
Bullet ignored Gina's remark. Randall was impressed with all the money the diet bar Choco-Cock was making.
Kevin: Look at all the money we're getting! Mom will have her cancer ward in no time!
Dusty: Come back tommorow everybody so we can see the results!
Randall: Who knew exploiting fat people for their money can be so easy!
Gina: Good thing you didn't say that into the mic or we'll have a Face In The Crowd situation!
Bullet: Randall doesn't have any charisma to be Lonesome Rhodes.
More and more obese people come by the thousands to give the Paradise PD money for the Choco-Cock bars.
Scene 8:
At the Lovely Corp Garage. The Lovely Corp Auction was underway. Everyone in town was there. Including Karen and Anton.
Karen: An auction? I wonder what I can get from this?
Anton: Don't forget that cancer ward you promised.
Karen: I haven't forgotten! Doesn't mean I can't have a little fling! I need a distraction until my husband, son and the cops come back to town with the money!
Anton: Whatever you say!
Pedro, Frank, Marcos Narcos, and the Russian Mobster set up a booth.
Frank Flipperfist (on the mic): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Lovely Corp Revenge Auction! All proceeds go to the Free Doughnuts for Officers’ fund.
Marcos Narcos (whispers): Santa Maria! Free Doughnuts for Officers? Is that even a thing?!
Frank Flipperfist (whispers): Relax. It's just made up!
Pedro Pooptooth: First up, we have Gerald Fitzgerald’s suit. Guaranteed to make you feel like a hot shot manager!
Russian Mobster: Here we have a very special guest David Hasslehoff as our model!
The song Shadow Dancing By Andy Gibb played. Stanley dressed as David Hasslehoff comes out dressed in Gerald Fitzgerald's suit.
People in Town: WWWWWOOOOOO! DAVID HASSLEHOFF!!
Time passed on, then Stanley was ordered to dress in Brett's suit and model it for the public.
Marcos Narcos: And Brett’s suit—perfect for intimidating your enemies or attending a soul-crushing board meeting.
Russian Mobster: “Don’t forget the gold-plated stapler! Impress your coworkers or use it as a weapon. Your choice.”
Soon Bidding Wars Begin. The crowd goes wild. The bidding wars escalate.
Frank Flipperfist: Do I hear $300?
Pedro Pooptooth: $400?
Russian Mobster: $410?
Marcos Narcos: $444?
Frank Flipperfist: Going once, going twice! SOLD! Gerald’s Suit! Sold to Mayor Karen for $500.
Karen: Wow! Randall will love this suit!
The bidding wars continue......
Russian Mobster: Going once....going twice!
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! We have a winner!
Frank Flipperfist: SOLD!
Pedro Pooptooth: Brett DeMarco's Suit to Dr. Functlitcher! for $1,000. He wants to feel important writing up Viagra prescriptions!
Dr. Functlitcher: He's not lying about that!
Later on as the Auction still keeps going.
Russian Mobster: Going once...
Marcos Narcos: Going twice....
Frank Flipperfist: Gold-Plated Stapler! SOLD! Snagged by Camaro Bob for $2,000.
Pedro Pooptooth: That'll look nice on your desk, puto!
Camaro Bob: I'll staple condoms with this one, baby!
Frank doesn't bother with selling the Stress Balls The Russian Mobster keeps them.
Russian Mobster: Good for squeezing out aggression. ha ha ha!
The crowd fades as the auction goes on. One by one all of Fitz's and Brett's suits were sold off as were their possessions with Stanley modeling the suits still dressed as David Hasselhoff! When it was over, Robbie and Delbert come.
Robbie: Hey we heard there was an auction here!
Delbert: Do you guys have anything we can bid on?
Pedro Pooptooth: You're both too late you hick putos!
Frank Flipperfist: Auctions over, fuck off!
Robbie and Delbert walk away to look for their next venture.
Delbert: Hey, where are the Paradise PD?
Robbie: Who cares? Let's take over their office while they're gone!
Scene 9:
Two days later, the Cheese Festival was still going strong. As were The Paradise PD's scheme to get money from the obese people for the Choco-Cock Bars!
Randall: We have over $100,000! I counted!
Kevin: Your radio announcer voice sure is hilarious Dad!
Randall: Yeah, I'm just like that homeless black guy in Ohio who made it so big!
Bullet: The only thing I didn't like about this trip was the motels. There's no One Night Stands around here in small town Wisconsin.
Dusty (points finger): Take a look at this guys!
The obese people from before are now all thinner. They all gathered around to thank them for the Choco-Cock weight loss bars.
Gina: Ehhh, they're not appealing to me anymore.
Former Obese People: Thank you so much! We all lost weight and we feel great!
Randall (in microphone): Those diet bars sure did a number on you all! In fact, anyone here who has eaten the Choco-Cock bars have won themselves a trip to Paradise Georgia to be on a TikTok video!
Crowd: YAY!
Randall: Just take your cars and follow us! No need for air travel!
Gina: Put away the money we made in the trunk!
Scene 10:
As time went on. Money that was made with the Choco-Cock bars was hidden in the trunk of the police car. The people from the Cheese Festival who lost weight with the Choco-Cock bars were now at the Paradise Fairgrounds. Bullet was the host.
Bullet: Hello, Paradise! Welcome to Choco-Cock with the Paradise PD! Choco-Cock! Helps You Lose Weight Fast! Fuck diet and excerise! I am your host, Bullet!
Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were in the audience clapping with the crowd.
Dusty: Will this cause a riot like what happened with that Geraldo dude?
Randall: That was the 80's. This is now.
On the stage there were the people from the Cheese Festival sitting on chairs. Everything was being filmed on TikTok.
Bullet: Not too long ago. My friends Kevin and Gina were digging for treasure and instead of gold we found these Choco-Cock bars. And these bars can help people lose weight and change lives for the better!
Everyone clapped. Bullet goes over to the people sitting on the chairs. One was a redneck fisherman. One was a snobbish millionaire, and the other was a Japanese Martial Artist.
Bullet: Here we are going to talk to three people and give us an example of how Choco-Cock bars work! You there! How did these bars work for you?
Fisherman (in an exaggerated Southern accent): Well I just loved eating and using these Choco-Cock bars! Choco-Cock helped me lose a ton'a woight!
Bullet: He must be Robbie's and Delbert's long lost uncle!
The crowd laughed as did the Paradise PD. Bullet now wants to talk to the millionaire.
Bullet: How about you? Tell the public on how these Choco-Cock bars worked for you.
Millionaire (in a British accent): Certainly. If I am to be a millionaire. I have to be in my best tip top shape. Tried everything until I discovered Choco-Cock!
Bullet: Didn't I see this dude in a Grey Poupon commercial once?
The crowd int he audience laughs once more. Randall, Gina, and Dusty cracked up and Kevin did not.
Kevin: I don't really think Bullet should be making jokes like this.
Dusty: Don't be so serious! I love Bullet's jokes!
Gina: I'm okay with him telling jokes. Way to make things come alive!
Randall: This coming from the dumbass who thought the movie A Year Of Living Dangerously was called "Cool Spy". You cracked up at that once!
Now Bullet was on his way to talk to the Japanese Martial Artist.
Bullet: Okay, let's move onto you, Mr. Shogun Warrior! Tell us how Choco-Cock worked for you!
The Martial Artist does not speak English instead speaks fluent Japanese and the only words in English he says are Choco-Cock over and over.
Bullet: Hmm, guess this is what I call one satified costumer!
The Martial Artist still repeats himself by saying Choco-Cock on a loop.
Bullet: OKay, don't tell us anymore. Moving on and....
The Martial Artist does not stop saying Choco-Cock.
Randall: Bullet! Shut that Seven Samarai asshole the FUCK UP!
Bullet: I'm trying and...
When the Martial Artist still keeps saying Choco-Cock more and more. Then something strange, and out of the blue happens. All the people who were at the Cheese Festival started to turn Japanese and they themselves start saying Choco-Cock!
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock!
Bullet and Randall (together): AAAAAAHHHHH!! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY JAPANESE!!!!!
The crowd who used to be obese until they tried the diet bar were now Japanese were zooming in on the Paradise PD.
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco- Cock! Choco-Cock!
Dusty: Damn, those diet bars must've had a very bizzare side effect!
Bullet: They've been buried for so long when me and Kevin unearthed them.
Kevin: I did NOT think this though.
Randall: That's the problem with you, Kevin! You never think ahead for disaatrous possibilities! Look at them, it's like Pearl Harbor The Sequel!
Gina: Night Of The Living Dead if it were filmed in Japan!
Kevin: You're going to blame me for this, aren't you?
Randall: You bet your motherfucking ass I am!
Kevin: Well, we were able to raise money so Mom can build a cancer ward! Isn't that all what really matters?!
Randall: Yeah, well at least I didn't think the movie "Animal House" was called "Drink, Eat, and Dance!"
Bullet: How were we supposed to foresee that THIS will happen? Come on, Randall! Maybe you're the one who needs to get his head in the game!
Gina: Bullet's right. You're both off your fucking rocker fighting over cock-sucking nonsense!
Dusty: You guys! You guys! You guys!
Randall: What the fuck is it, Dusty!
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock!
Dusty: They're coming right for us! Oh my gosh! The Money! We need to protect the money we made!
Gina: In the meantime, I'm gonna bust some ass!
Kevin, Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all guarded the car when Gina fought off all the people who used to be obese at the Cheese Festival. Gina punched, kicked, twisted some heads or penises off, threw some over her shoulder, picked some up and shoved their heads inside some asses, ripped some in half, broken a bunch of bones along the way. Overtime, each and every one of the formerly obese people were now all pieces on the ground.
Gina: Okay, I'm done! Let's go give this money to your wife!
Randall: I couldn't agree with you more.
Just then Stanley comes to see them.
Kevin: Stanley. So surprised to see you.
Bullet: What have you been up to?
Stanley: I got to do a modeling gig. What did you guys do?
Dusty: Come with us, Stanley. We need your help giving this money to Karen.
Scene 11 Conclusion:
At Lovely Corp. Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos were counting their money and enjoying what they had done behind Fitz's and Brett's backs.
Frank Flipperfist: Wow! Look at all this money we made!
Pedro Pooptooth: Who needs to go on strike!
Marcos Narcos: You're right about that. Strikes suck dick! Just wait until your boss goes on vacation, and auction off his stuff!
Russian Mobster: This'll show Fitz not to be such a hardass on us!
Fitz and Brett DeMarco: WE'RE BACK!
Zeta (runs in): You dudes missed a fun trip to Tulsa!
Brett DeMarco: Hmmm, things seems rather good here.
Fitz: Almost too good, Brett. Let's check our closets!
Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster and Marcos Narcos silently gulp.
Zeta: What's wrong? Cat got your tongues?
Brett and Fitz looks into their closets. Their jaws drop. Empty hangers dangle in the closet.
Fitz: Where the FUCK are our suits?
Brett DeMarco: And my gold-plated stapler!
Frank Flipperfist: Gentlemen, consider this a lesson in empathy. Now you know how it feels to lose something precious.
Fitz: You sons of bitches!
Brett DeMarco: We knew something was off kilter!
Pedro Pooptooth: What're you going to do to us?
Fitz gets a wrench while Brett gets a hammer.
Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos all protest inaudibly as Fitz and Brett chased them out of the Lovely Corp building and into the street.
Zeta: Dudes! Wait for me!
At City Hall, Karen got her money for the cancer ward in the Paradise Hospital. She congratulates the Paradise PD for a job well done for obtaining the money.
Karen: Thanks to the hard work and dedication for our local police! We now can build a cancer ward at our hospital!
The townspeople cheer. Kevin, Bullet, Randall, Gina, and Dusty all take a bow. Stanley was sleeping though the whole thing.
Karen: Well, I have to hand it to you guys. I don't know how you did it!
Gina: We like to keep that a secret.
Karen: Okay, I won't pry into it.
Kevin: This must be how Luke Skywalker felt when he got a medal.
Randall: Well, there's only one left thing to do now.
Dusty: What would that be Randall?
Bullet: We going to have a drug orgy?
Gina: What else is there to do, Chief?
Randall: Why this? Hit it!
Turning on his iphone. Randall plays Pump Up The Jam and begins to sing and dance around!
Karen: How did we know he was going to resort to this?!
Bullet: Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure him out!
In a room at the Paradise Pentacoastal Church. Preacher Paul watching the whole thing on TV. It was on the local news. Full of regret that the Paradise PD got to use his diet bars and he didn't.
Preacher Paul: That's what would've happened had I sold those diet bars. I'd be getting the credit and praise for the cancer ward......(sigh)
Turning off the TV, Preacher Paul hangs his head in sorrow. His husband assures him.
THE END
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title
Zero Calories
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Making a speech at City Hall. Karen was telling everyone in town something she believes is important. Anton was standing next to her. The Paradise PD sans Dusty was there in the audience.
Karen: My fellow residents. As I was visiting sick children at Paradise Hospital today. I noticed something.
Anton: Uh, yes. Kevin needs a brain transplant!
Kevin: (scoffs) Leave it to Anton to make up cruel jokes about me.
Randall (cracks up): Lighten up, Kevin! It's hilarious.
Karen: No! Not that, Anton! Go sit down and be quiet. Anyway, I noticed as I was walking out of the hospital. There's no cancer ward!
The people in town gasp in horror.
Karen: You heard correctly. So, it's up to us as a community to donate money for this good cause. Thank you, good luck, God Bless, and keep reaching for the stars!
Bullet: Your wife uses Casey Kasum quotes!
The townspeople make their leave as do the Paradise PD.
Bullet: I had no idea there was no cancer ward at the hospital.
Randall: You heard my wife. We need to come up with ways to make money so we can have one.
Kevin: Do any of us have anything in mind?
Gina: How about a mud wrestling tornament?
Bullet: We're all missing the bigger picture here. How about I sell drugs in the Evidence Locker?
Randall: No! No! No! No! No! That'll ruin our rep.
Kevin: We need to do something good, something big.
Stanley: How about this? Take nude pics of all the men in town here? I used to take nude pics of W.C. Fields!
Randall: Every fucking time we think of an idea, we always come up short.
Everyone notices Dusty isn't around.
Randall: Has anyone seen Dusty?
Kevin: Last I checked he was playing an Earthworm Jim game.
Randall (gets his cellphone): Well I'm going to get his fat ass down here at once!
Calling Dusty on his phone. Randall waits for him to pick up. Sure enough, Kevin was correct. Dusty was playing Earthworm Jim on an old Sega Genesis. Dusty answers his phone as he pauses the game.
Dusty: Dusty's Chicken Truck!
Randall: Dusty! It's Randall. I need you to do something for me.
Dusty: Whatever shall it be?
Randall: My wife Karen just gave a speech and wants us to donate money for a cancer ward at the hospital.
Dusty: This sounds series, Randall. What would you like me to do?
Randall: Drive the paddywagon around town.
Once Dusty heard about driving the paddywagon. He froze for a few seconds and then ran away.
Randall: Hello? Hello? Dusty? You still there! (hangs up cellphone) Son of a bitch!
Kevin: What happened?
Randall: Prepare yourselves, for Dusty is about to have a tantrum everyone.
Scene 2:
Dusty came running in crying and screaming outside of City Hall.
Bullet: Will somebody please give this fat shit some Melatonin?
Gina: Dusty? You okay?
Kevin: Why is he crying like this?
Stanley: He cries worse than Jackie Cooper.
Dusty: I'll tell you why! But first I have some good news.
Bullet: Usually people start with bad news first.
Dusty: The good news is I got to Bob on Earthworm Jim. The bad news is, I have to drive the fucking paddywagon! (screams)
Kevin: I don't get it. Why does Dusty hate the paddywagon?
Dusty: It's my least favorite thing in this job! (sobs)
Randall: Two weeks ago, I had Dusty drive the paddywagon to arrest Robbie and Delbert. And they made fun of his weight the whole time.
Dusty: I don't wanna drive the paddywagon! They're going to make so much fun of me!
Randall: You're driving that paddywagon whether you like it or not!
Gina: I can go with him....
Randall: No! This is something Dusty must do himself!
Dusty: Why do I need to drive the paddywagon?
Randall: So you can drive around town and ask people to make donations for a cancer ward.
Dusty: No I refuse and...
Randall: Either drive the paddywagon or you're fired! Choice is yours.
Dusty: (gives in): All right. I'm doing this for the cancer patients.
Kevin: Want us to do anything?
Randall: In the meantime, you, Gina, and Bullet go around town and see if you can try to find something that can give us money. In case Dusty and the paddywagon doesn't work out.
Kevin (To Gina and Bullet): Hey, guys. I know a place where there's buried treasure! Follow me.
Gina and Bullet with reluctance follow Kevin. Dusty proceeds to drive the paddywagon.
Scene 3:
Kevin, Bullet, and Gina go try to find some treasure. Dusty was driving around town in the paddywagon. Talking though a megaphone.
Dusty: Come one, come all. We need money for a good cause! So cancer patients can get good health care!
Driving around, Dusty digs in his pockets and gets out a bobblehead.
Dusty: At least I got you, Wall Eyed Wally bobblehead. You can help me get though this.
Some people gathered around and gave some money to the paddywagon.
Dusty: Hmm, maybe this isn't so bad. Damn, this is almost like that movie High Ballin'! Only with a paddywagon!
In an open field Preacher Paul and his unnamed husband were standing on some dirt.
Husband: It's been five years since you buried that.
Preacher Paul: I know.
Husband: Why did you even do that anyway? Who knows what type of ramifications await if someone else digs it. Considering how long it's been buried!
Preacher Paul: Nobody will find it. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I didn't want to be a sell out. Gotta stay true to my Christian Beliefs and not have my followers think I'm some kind of money crazed fiend.
Husband: You made the right choice. You listened to God not Satan. You're a good man.
Preacher Paul: I was only doing what God told me. I already know I am a good man. Don't need to tell me.
Husband: In that case. Do we really even need to be here? Let's just go back to church.
Preacher Paul nods in agreement. He and his husband leave the open field. Kevin was leading Gina and Bullet to the supposed buried treasure which was in that very same spot Preacher Paul and his husband were standing.
Bullet: Oh shit. Why do I get the feeling a Pirates Of The Carribean scenario is going to play out in this?
Kevin: Nothing like that, Bullet.
Gina: Pirates weren't the only ones who buried gold. Cowboys did too.
Kevin: Listen to me. 700 years ago, there was a treasure box full of gold that was buried here in Paradise. By a pirate that nobody knew......
Bullet: FUCK! I knew it! I must be psychic!
Gina: How do you know that, Kevin?
Kevin: It's a legend. That's been passed around from generation to generation.
Gina: Who buried it? Does this twat waffle pirate have a NAME?
Kevin: Nobody knows who, when, or why this treasure was buried. But the gold that's buried is sure to make us enough money to get the cancer ward in the hospital my mom wants.
Bullet: OKay, let's dig!
Doing the digging, Bullet makes a hole until he hits something hard.
Bullet: I got it!
Kevin: See? I was telling the truth!
Gina: Bullet, what did you find?
Coming up from the hole, Bullet gets out a box that looks like a treasure box.
Bullet: I found it! Now let's open it up!
Gina: I'll do it!
Using her strength, Gina opens the treasure box. Instead of gold as Kevin as expected. It was candy bars used for diets. It was called Choco-Cock.
Bullet (laughs): We dug up candy bars! And look at the name! (cracks up) I was expecting to dig up a skeleton that says, "NO GOLD IN ME!" Anyone remember that in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly?
Gina: This is it! Our ticket to the big time!
Kevin: How are some diet bars...
Gina: Don't you see Kevin? People make harvest winnings out of these diet bars.
Kevin: Now that you mention it. You're right. Let's see if Dad will approve though.
On their way back to Headquarters, Kevin, Gina, and Bullet hear a crash nearby.
Gina: Mama's gonna kick some ass now....
Kevin, Gina, and Bullet went to the scene where the crash was heard. The paddywagon crashed into a streetlight. Dusty ran out and chased Robbie and Delbert, the duo planted a bag of sugar in the paddywagon's tailpipe! Dusty was chasing after them.
Dusty: Robbie and Delbert! Want to know what you are? You're both a bunch of crackheaded sons of...
The Theme To Good, The Bad, and The Ugly plays.
Kevin: Hope Dad will like the idea of selling these diet bars.
Scene 4:
At Lovely Corp. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were about to leave. As if they were going on a trip. Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos were sitting in the lounge room listening to their bosses.
Brett DeMarco: Gerald Fitzgerald has something he wants to say! Pay attention! (uses stick to loudly hit a wall)
Fitz: Attention you sorry asses! Listen up! Brett and I are going to a business meeting in Tulsa. So you guys hold the fort while we're away.
Brett DeMarco: That's right. You guys are in charge while we're gone. And no fuck ups! (points laser pointer at the lounge room.)
Fitz: It was okay when I was the Kingpin when we were the Legion of DOOOOOM.....
Brett DeMarco: That's all in the past now!
Fitz: Now you're all Lovely Corp employees these days! I demand competence! Cooperation! The rules still apply even when I am not here!
Zeta: Bye, guys! Be good while we're gone!
Brett DeMarco: Let's go. We don't want to miss our flight!
Fitz: It leaves in 3 hours we'll be able to make it.
Zeta: I'm going to check out that skating rink and bowling alley there!
Fitz: Of course! We'll have some fun there too!
Brett DeMarco: And we MEAN IT!
When Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta made their departure. Frank, Pedro, Marcos Narcos, and the Russian Mobster huddle around a table, their faces determined. The coffee machine gurgles in the background.
Frank Flipperfist: Listen up, team. Ever since we've worked here at Lovely Corp. Gerald Fitzgerald and Brett DeMarco have turned our lives into a bureaucratic nightmare. Strict schedules, regulations, and paperwork up to our eyeballs!
Pedro Pooptooth: Yeah, Puto! I miss the good ol’ days when we could sell houndstooth and argyle meth on the streets. And now we can't go a day without filling out a 27B/6 form.
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! And don’t get me started on the mandatory sensitivity training. I’m a drug lord, not a feelings guru!
Russian Mobster: Da, comrades. We must teach them a lesson they won’t forget.
Pedro leads the gang who all sneak into the closet room, where Gerald and Brett’s prized possessions are stored. Rows of confiscated items gleam under the fluorescent lights.
Frank Flipperfist: Pedro, grab those suits. The ones they wear during their ‘management meetings.’
Pedro Pooptooth: Got it, Frank. These are some fancy threads!
Marcos Narcos: And I’ll take their gold-plated stapler. It’s time to put it to better use.
Russian Mobster: I’ll snag their stress balls. They need to learn to relax. That way they'll have to get from point A...B....C! ha ha ha!
Frank, Pedro, and Marcos look at Russian Mobster in a annoyed sense.
Russian Mobster: I mentioned before I gave up counting for the alphabet!
Frank Flipperfist: Whatever. (rolls eyes)
Pedro Pooptooth: What will we do with all this stuff?
Frank Flipperfist: Sell it in an auction of course. All we need is a male model to wear the suits.
Russian Mobster: Isn't that gay? Guys like us.....oh never mind.
Marcos Narcos: Where will we find a male model?
Frank Flipperfist: I think I know who.....
Scene 5:
At Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was waiting for his recruits to enter to start the work day. Bullet was already there.
Bullet: I knew Dusty wouldn't last long in that paddywagon.
Randall: I counted the money he collected in that. We only made $500 so far.
Bullet: Let's face it. This is another one of your wife's pipe dreams and.....
Kevin comes in with the treasure box. Gina and Dusty walk in to report for work. Stanley goes into the bathroom.
Stanley: Don't mind me!
Dusty: Reporting for duty! Please don't make me drive the paddywagon again.
Gina: So, Kevin. Show him what dug up.
Kevin (shows Randall an open treasure box): This chocolate bars are filled with dreams!
Bullet: Hmm, I kind of like the name of those. Choco-Cock! Are they shaped like cocks?
Randall: How are these fucking chocolate bars going to make us some money?
Kevin: Well, Gina told me people make a ton of dough selling diet bars.
Gina: It's true Chief! Lots of famous people come up with this diet shit all the time! Ryan Seacrest, Gwenyth Paltrow, Dr. Phil, Jennifer Aniston....the list goes on.
Bullet: Howard Stern advertised that Hollywood Diet drink circa 20 years ago.
Dusty (looks at the diet bars): They come in different flavors too. Vanilla, Strawberry, Banana, Cherry Cheesecake!
Randall: Okay, I'm all for it! Only one problem remains.
Bullet: What is it?
Randall: Where the hell are we going to find some obese people to sell these bars too?
Kevin: I think there's a Weight Watchers group around here.
Randall: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I mean a city full of fat people! Not some lame ass support group!
Dusty: I know a place!
Gina: Please tell us! What do you know?
Dusty: Every year in Little Chute Wisconsin there's a Cheese Festival! Lots of fat people go there. I should know. I used to go there 10 years ago, until I got banned for eating all the cheese.
Stanley (comes out of the bathroom): Did we come up with an idea for money rising?
Randall: Too late, old man! We decided that we're selling diet bars!
Stanley: Is anyone still up for nude male....
Bullet: Nope, that's out of the question!
Kevin: So, we going to Wisconsin?
Randall: Yes we are! Wisconsin here we come!
Dusty: To the Cheese Festival!
Stanley: Do I get to come too?
Gina: No! Someone has to stay behind and watch the police station!
Stanley was left behind as Randall, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, and Dusty all took off for Wisconsin. Robbie and Delbert who were in a holding cell bust out and stomp on Stanley.
Bullet (outside): Can we stop at Milwaukee on the way back?
Stanley: I've got a million of them! Am I mortified.....(gurgles)
Scene 6:
Outside Lovely Corp, there was a large garage. Frank decides this is the best place for an auction.
Marcos Narcos: Where do you want us to put the items we confiscated from the Paradise PD?
Frank Flipperfist: The tables will be fine.
Pedro Pooptooth (Holds a bundle of suits): How will we present the suits?
Russian Mobster (gets a rolling clothes rack): On this of course. These hangers are labled D...E....F....G...H! ha ha ha ha ha!
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! Nobody gives a fuck if you are doing the alphabet!
Stanley was walking down the streets all saddened that he didn't get to join the Paradise PD for a trip to Wisconsin.
Frank Flipperfist: Hey look! It's that bisexual eldery police officer! Stanley Hopsin.
Running up to Stanley, Frank has a plan.
Pedro Pooptooth: What are you going to do?
Frank Flipperfist (to Pedro calling out) You'll see. (turns to Stanley): Hello, old testicles? Are you lost?
Stanley: No, my fellow cops ditched me for a trip. Just like the time I ditched Buster Crabbe in Badge of Honor. But that's another story.
Frank Flipperfist: You know. We're having an auction here.
Stanley: Whatever for? Selling cattle?
Frank Flipperfist: No. More like selling suits. The ones our domineering autocratic bosses wear. We tend to sell those while they're away on a trip.
Stanley: What are you getting at?
Frank Flipperfist: Would you like to be a male model? Model the suits we're selling!
Stanley: Would I!
Frank Flipperfist: Yes! Sign here on the dotted line. (holds out paper)
Stanley signs the paper. Frank leads him to the garage.
Frank Flipperfist: We found our male model!
Pedro Pooptooth: He'll do. Only one thing I suggest.
Frank Flipperfist: What is it?
Pedro Pooptooth: We dress him up like David Hasslehoff!
Frank Flipperfist: I like it! That way those suits will really sell!
Marcos Narcos: Let's bring it on!
Soon, Frank, Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, and Pedro were all dressing up Stanley as David Hasslehoff.
Stanley: What're you all doing?
Frank Flipperfist: We're dressing you up like Gregory Peck!
Pedro Pooptooth: On The Beach Gregory Peck!
Stanley: I'm fine with that! I liked him!
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were in Little Chute Wisconsin at the Yearly Annual Cheese Festival. Randall sets up a tent and proceeds to try to sell the cheese. Sure enough, there were obese people there.
Dusty: See Chief! There are fat people here! I told you so!
Randall: Please don't say "I told you so!"
Kevin: Those are your trigger words, right?
Gina (gets aroused): Ooooh! I would fuck each and every one of these sexy beasts! Not gonna lie, even the women!
Bullet puts up a sign on the tent that says, "Choco-Cock Weight Loss Bars". 2 hours later, the obese people at the Cheese Festival did not notice the weight loss bars.
Randall: God Dammit! What does it take to get some fat people to notice a fucking candy bar?!
Dusty: They're too distracted by the cheese, rightfully so.
Gina (gets a microphone and stereo): I'll just hook this up to our stereo here.
The sound of feedback gets some of the people's attention.
Bullet: Where did you get that microphone and stereo?
Gina: I brought it here, stole it from the Evidence Room.
Bullet: Good to see I'm not the only one who steals from there!
Kevin: Step into the mic, Dad. Say something that will attract attention.
Randall: OKay. By the way, we're selling diet bars, not Micatin!
About to speak into the remote, Randall gets his bearings and speaks to get attention from the fat festival goers. Randall talks in a radio announcer voice.
Randall: Use Choco-Cock Social Media Friends! The Candy Bar That Gives Your Body That Abercombie and Finch Look!
The plan is beginning to work. All the obese people are wanting to come over to the Choco-Cock tent courtesy of the Paradise PD.
Randall: How will all your friends know you have lost weight? When Your Body Doesn't Have The Abercombie and Finch Look, Hmmm?
Gina: Look at all those fat hotties lining up! Keep going, Randall!
Randall: Just put Choco-Cock In A Glass Of Water And Listen To It Fizz.....
Kevin gets a party slide and makes a sound with it, and Dusty gets a yo-yo and begins doing tricks. Bullet takes the party slide and yo-yo away.
Randall (grunts): Fuck Heads! Anyway, Choco-Cock spelled sideways is Cha-CA! CA! CA!
All the obese people standing in line want to pay for the Choco-Cock bars!
Obese Man #1: I want one!
Obese Woman #1: Me too!
Obese Man #2: I'm sick of being fat!
Obese Woman #2: I'll show my boobs for one!
Obese Man #3: I'll give you a rim job!
Obese Woman #3: I'll do a striptease!
In no time at all, the bast majority of the obese people at the Cheese Festival began to give the Paradise PD all their money.
Gina: You can give me some money if you want any sexual favors...
Bullet: HEY!
Gina (mocking voice): Okay, I won't do that. The little puppy can't take it psychologically!
Bullet ignored Gina's remark. Randall was impressed with all the money the diet bar Choco-Cock was making.
Kevin: Look at all the money we're getting! Mom will have her cancer ward in no time!
Dusty: Come back tommorow everybody so we can see the results!
Randall: Who knew exploiting fat people for their money can be so easy!
Gina: Good thing you didn't say that into the mic or we'll have a Face In The Crowd situation!
Bullet: Randall doesn't have any charisma to be Lonesome Rhodes.
More and more obese people come by the thousands to give the Paradise PD money for the Choco-Cock bars.
Scene 8:
At the Lovely Corp Garage. The Lovely Corp Auction was underway. Everyone in town was there. Including Karen and Anton.
Karen: An auction? I wonder what I can get from this?
Anton: Don't forget that cancer ward you promised.
Karen: I haven't forgotten! Doesn't mean I can't have a little fling! I need a distraction until my husband, son and the cops come back to town with the money!
Anton: Whatever you say!
Pedro, Frank, Marcos Narcos, and the Russian Mobster set up a booth.
Frank Flipperfist (on the mic): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Lovely Corp Revenge Auction! All proceeds go to the Free Doughnuts for Officers’ fund.
Marcos Narcos (whispers): Santa Maria! Free Doughnuts for Officers? Is that even a thing?!
Frank Flipperfist (whispers): Relax. It's just made up!
Pedro Pooptooth: First up, we have Gerald Fitzgerald’s suit. Guaranteed to make you feel like a hot shot manager!
Russian Mobster: Here we have a very special guest David Hasslehoff as our model!
The song Shadow Dancing By Andy Gibb played. Stanley dressed as David Hasslehoff comes out dressed in Gerald Fitzgerald's suit.
People in Town: WWWWWOOOOOO! DAVID HASSLEHOFF!!
Time passed on, then Stanley was ordered to dress in Brett's suit and model it for the public.
Marcos Narcos: And Brett’s suit—perfect for intimidating your enemies or attending a soul-crushing board meeting.
Russian Mobster: “Don’t forget the gold-plated stapler! Impress your coworkers or use it as a weapon. Your choice.”
Soon Bidding Wars Begin. The crowd goes wild. The bidding wars escalate.
Frank Flipperfist: Do I hear $300?
Pedro Pooptooth: $400?
Russian Mobster: $410?
Marcos Narcos: $444?
Frank Flipperfist: Going once, going twice! SOLD! Gerald’s Suit! Sold to Mayor Karen for $500.
Karen: Wow! Randall will love this suit!
The bidding wars continue......
Russian Mobster: Going once....going twice!
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! We have a winner!
Frank Flipperfist: SOLD!
Pedro Pooptooth: Brett DeMarco's Suit to Dr. Functlitcher! for $1,000. He wants to feel important writing up Viagra prescriptions!
Dr. Functlitcher: He's not lying about that!
Later on as the Auction still keeps going.
Russian Mobster: Going once...
Marcos Narcos: Going twice....
Frank Flipperfist: Gold-Plated Stapler! SOLD! Snagged by Camaro Bob for $2,000.
Pedro Pooptooth: That'll look nice on your desk, puto!
Camaro Bob: I'll staple condoms with this one, baby!
Frank doesn't bother with selling the Stress Balls The Russian Mobster keeps them.
Russian Mobster: Good for squeezing out aggression. ha ha ha!
The crowd fades as the auction goes on. One by one all of Fitz's and Brett's suits were sold off as were their possessions with Stanley modeling the suits still dressed as David Hasselhoff! When it was over, Robbie and Delbert come.
Robbie: Hey we heard there was an auction here!
Delbert: Do you guys have anything we can bid on?
Pedro Pooptooth: You're both too late you hick putos!
Frank Flipperfist: Auctions over, fuck off!
Robbie and Delbert walk away to look for their next venture.
Delbert: Hey, where are the Paradise PD?
Robbie: Who cares? Let's take over their office while they're gone!
Scene 9:
Two days later, the Cheese Festival was still going strong. As were The Paradise PD's scheme to get money from the obese people for the Choco-Cock Bars!
Randall: We have over $100,000! I counted!
Kevin: Your radio announcer voice sure is hilarious Dad!
Randall: Yeah, I'm just like that homeless black guy in Ohio who made it so big!
Bullet: The only thing I didn't like about this trip was the motels. There's no One Night Stands around here in small town Wisconsin.
Dusty (points finger): Take a look at this guys!
The obese people from before are now all thinner. They all gathered around to thank them for the Choco-Cock weight loss bars.
Gina: Ehhh, they're not appealing to me anymore.
Former Obese People: Thank you so much! We all lost weight and we feel great!
Randall (in microphone): Those diet bars sure did a number on you all! In fact, anyone here who has eaten the Choco-Cock bars have won themselves a trip to Paradise Georgia to be on a TikTok video!
Crowd: YAY!
Randall: Just take your cars and follow us! No need for air travel!
Gina: Put away the money we made in the trunk!
Scene 10:
As time went on. Money that was made with the Choco-Cock bars was hidden in the trunk of the police car. The people from the Cheese Festival who lost weight with the Choco-Cock bars were now at the Paradise Fairgrounds. Bullet was the host.
Bullet: Hello, Paradise! Welcome to Choco-Cock with the Paradise PD! Choco-Cock! Helps You Lose Weight Fast! Fuck diet and excerise! I am your host, Bullet!
Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were in the audience clapping with the crowd.
Dusty: Will this cause a riot like what happened with that Geraldo dude?
Randall: That was the 80's. This is now.
On the stage there were the people from the Cheese Festival sitting on chairs. Everything was being filmed on TikTok.
Bullet: Not too long ago. My friends Kevin and Gina were digging for treasure and instead of gold we found these Choco-Cock bars. And these bars can help people lose weight and change lives for the better!
Everyone clapped. Bullet goes over to the people sitting on the chairs. One was a redneck fisherman. One was a snobbish millionaire, and the other was a Japanese Martial Artist.
Bullet: Here we are going to talk to three people and give us an example of how Choco-Cock bars work! You there! How did these bars work for you?
Fisherman (in an exaggerated Southern accent): Well I just loved eating and using these Choco-Cock bars! Choco-Cock helped me lose a ton'a woight!
Bullet: He must be Robbie's and Delbert's long lost uncle!
The crowd laughed as did the Paradise PD. Bullet now wants to talk to the millionaire.
Bullet: How about you? Tell the public on how these Choco-Cock bars worked for you.
Millionaire (in a British accent): Certainly. If I am to be a millionaire. I have to be in my best tip top shape. Tried everything until I discovered Choco-Cock!
Bullet: Didn't I see this dude in a Grey Poupon commercial once?
The crowd int he audience laughs once more. Randall, Gina, and Dusty cracked up and Kevin did not.
Kevin: I don't really think Bullet should be making jokes like this.
Dusty: Don't be so serious! I love Bullet's jokes!
Gina: I'm okay with him telling jokes. Way to make things come alive!
Randall: This coming from the dumbass who thought the movie A Year Of Living Dangerously was called "Cool Spy". You cracked up at that once!
Now Bullet was on his way to talk to the Japanese Martial Artist.
Bullet: Okay, let's move onto you, Mr. Shogun Warrior! Tell us how Choco-Cock worked for you!
The Martial Artist does not speak English instead speaks fluent Japanese and the only words in English he says are Choco-Cock over and over.
Bullet: Hmm, guess this is what I call one satified costumer!
The Martial Artist still repeats himself by saying Choco-Cock on a loop.
Bullet: OKay, don't tell us anymore. Moving on and....
The Martial Artist does not stop saying Choco-Cock.
Randall: Bullet! Shut that Seven Samarai asshole the FUCK UP!
Bullet: I'm trying and...
When the Martial Artist still keeps saying Choco-Cock more and more. Then something strange, and out of the blue happens. All the people who were at the Cheese Festival started to turn Japanese and they themselves start saying Choco-Cock!
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock!
Bullet and Randall (together): AAAAAAHHHHH!! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY JAPANESE!!!!!
The crowd who used to be obese until they tried the diet bar were now Japanese were zooming in on the Paradise PD.
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco- Cock! Choco-Cock!
Dusty: Damn, those diet bars must've had a very bizzare side effect!
Bullet: They've been buried for so long when me and Kevin unearthed them.
Kevin: I did NOT think this though.
Randall: That's the problem with you, Kevin! You never think ahead for disaatrous possibilities! Look at them, it's like Pearl Harbor The Sequel!
Gina: Night Of The Living Dead if it were filmed in Japan!
Kevin: You're going to blame me for this, aren't you?
Randall: You bet your motherfucking ass I am!
Kevin: Well, we were able to raise money so Mom can build a cancer ward! Isn't that all what really matters?!
Randall: Yeah, well at least I didn't think the movie "Animal House" was called "Drink, Eat, and Dance!"
Bullet: How were we supposed to foresee that THIS will happen? Come on, Randall! Maybe you're the one who needs to get his head in the game!
Gina: Bullet's right. You're both off your fucking rocker fighting over cock-sucking nonsense!
Dusty: You guys! You guys! You guys!
Randall: What the fuck is it, Dusty!
Crowd: Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock! Choco-Cock!
Dusty: They're coming right for us! Oh my gosh! The Money! We need to protect the money we made!
Gina: In the meantime, I'm gonna bust some ass!
Kevin, Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all guarded the car when Gina fought off all the people who used to be obese at the Cheese Festival. Gina punched, kicked, twisted some heads or penises off, threw some over her shoulder, picked some up and shoved their heads inside some asses, ripped some in half, broken a bunch of bones along the way. Overtime, each and every one of the formerly obese people were now all pieces on the ground.
Gina: Okay, I'm done! Let's go give this money to your wife!
Randall: I couldn't agree with you more.
Just then Stanley comes to see them.
Kevin: Stanley. So surprised to see you.
Bullet: What have you been up to?
Stanley: I got to do a modeling gig. What did you guys do?
Dusty: Come with us, Stanley. We need your help giving this money to Karen.
Scene 11 Conclusion:
At Lovely Corp. Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos were counting their money and enjoying what they had done behind Fitz's and Brett's backs.
Frank Flipperfist: Wow! Look at all this money we made!
Pedro Pooptooth: Who needs to go on strike!
Marcos Narcos: You're right about that. Strikes suck dick! Just wait until your boss goes on vacation, and auction off his stuff!
Russian Mobster: This'll show Fitz not to be such a hardass on us!
Fitz and Brett DeMarco: WE'RE BACK!
Zeta (runs in): You dudes missed a fun trip to Tulsa!
Brett DeMarco: Hmmm, things seems rather good here.
Fitz: Almost too good, Brett. Let's check our closets!
Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster and Marcos Narcos silently gulp.
Zeta: What's wrong? Cat got your tongues?
Brett and Fitz looks into their closets. Their jaws drop. Empty hangers dangle in the closet.
Fitz: Where the FUCK are our suits?
Brett DeMarco: And my gold-plated stapler!
Frank Flipperfist: Gentlemen, consider this a lesson in empathy. Now you know how it feels to lose something precious.
Fitz: You sons of bitches!
Brett DeMarco: We knew something was off kilter!
Pedro Pooptooth: What're you going to do to us?
Fitz gets a wrench while Brett gets a hammer.
Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos all protest inaudibly as Fitz and Brett chased them out of the Lovely Corp building and into the street.
Zeta: Dudes! Wait for me!
At City Hall, Karen got her money for the cancer ward in the Paradise Hospital. She congratulates the Paradise PD for a job well done for obtaining the money.
Karen: Thanks to the hard work and dedication for our local police! We now can build a cancer ward at our hospital!
The townspeople cheer. Kevin, Bullet, Randall, Gina, and Dusty all take a bow. Stanley was sleeping though the whole thing.
Karen: Well, I have to hand it to you guys. I don't know how you did it!
Gina: We like to keep that a secret.
Karen: Okay, I won't pry into it.
Kevin: This must be how Luke Skywalker felt when he got a medal.
Randall: Well, there's only one left thing to do now.
Dusty: What would that be Randall?
Bullet: We going to have a drug orgy?
Gina: What else is there to do, Chief?
Randall: Why this? Hit it!
Turning on his iphone. Randall plays Pump Up The Jam and begins to sing and dance around!
Karen: How did we know he was going to resort to this?!
Bullet: Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure him out!
In a room at the Paradise Pentacoastal Church. Preacher Paul watching the whole thing on TV. It was on the local news. Full of regret that the Paradise PD got to use his diet bars and he didn't.
Preacher Paul: That's what would've happened had I sold those diet bars. I'd be getting the credit and praise for the cancer ward......(sigh)
Turning off the TV, Preacher Paul hangs his head in sorrow. His husband assures him.
THE END
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