Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Wanted to write another Paradise PD fanfic. Could not come up with any for a while. That was until I asked help from my friend Narwhalpuppy! A special thanks goes out to Narwhalpuppy for helping me with ideas for this!
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title:
Major Ice
by: Hailey Sands
Chapter One:
The Paradise PD station is bustling with activity. Out of the building walks Robbie and Delbert, the mischievous "brothers", are huddled together near the coffee machine. After getting bailed out of a holding cell for the 2376th time.
Robbie: (whispering) Delbert, you know what this place needs? A hockey team!
Delbert: (grinning) You mean like a bunch of cops on skates, chasing pucks instead of criminals?
Robbie: Exactly! But no cops. And we need Frank on our team. He’s got that killer slapshot.
Delbert: (nodding) Yeah, but how do we convince Frank? He’s always busy with his doughnut shop and stuff.
Robbie: Leave that to me. I’ve got a plan.
Going to Frank's office at the Dougnut shop, Robbie and Delbert try to talk Frank into an opportunity of a lifetime.
Robbie and Delbert knock on Frank’s door.
Frank: (looking up from his doughnut stand) What do you two want?
Robbie Frank, we’re forming a hockey team. You in?
Frank: (raising an eyebrow) A hockey team? Why would I—
Delbert: (interrupting) Because you’ve got the best slapshot in town! We need you, Frank.
Frank: (leaning back in his chair) You want me to play hockey with you two fuckheads?
Robbie: (grinning) Not just us. The whole population of criminals! Imagine it Winner gets bragging rights for a year. We'll call our team The Paradise Concretes!
Delbert: Our local hockey team is playing against the Diamond City Family Jewels.
Frank: (sighing) I don’t know, guys. I’ve got a lot on my plate.
Robbie: (leaning in) Come on, Frank. It’s all about teamwork. We’ll even let you be captain.
Frank: (raising an eyebrow) Captain? Why me?
Delbert: Because you’re the only one who can keep us in line. Plus, you’ve got that intimidating stare.
Frank: (smirking) Fine. But only if.......
Robbie: No ifs, ands or buts! Deal! We’ll practice after work. And don’t worry—we’ve got extra helmets for your head of long hair.
Delbert: Yes, your hair looks like Brad Pitt's in A River Runs Thought it!
Frank: (rolling his eyes) Thanks for the insult there! Just make sure Bloodknife doesn’t break down mid-game.
Robbie: (saluting) You got it, Captain Frank!
Delbert: (whispering) This is gonna be epic.
Chapter Two:
The next scene opens in the basement of the Dippin' Dots building. Hours later after Frank joined the Paradise Concretes hockey team after passing the try outs which took place at the parking lot of You Store It Some.
Frank: How was that?
Robbie: Welcome to the team!
Delbert: Make it official and take these steroids...
Frank slaps the steroids out of Delbert's hand with his flipper.
Delbert: What did I do?
Robbie: He has a point you know. We don't need steroids.
Delbert: We're glad you joined.
Robbie: We tried to get Bloodknife to join the team but he declined.
Frank: I am going to kick Diamond City in their Family Jewels! If you know what I mean!
Fitz, Pedro, Marcos, and Thester are gathered around a table playing poker. Frank is sitting in the corner, absent mindedly flipping a hockey puck.
Fitz: (tossing chips into the pot) So, Marcos, any new shipments coming in?
Marcos: (grinning) Santa Maria! You know me, always staying busy. But enough about business. Frank, what’s with the hockey puck?
Frank: (looks up) Oh, this? I used to play hockey back in the day. I am now on a team. Pretty good at it, too.
Pedro: (chuckling)You? Good at hockey? I gotta see this, puto!
Frank: (smirking) You doubt me, Pedro? Just wait and watch. I'll put "Mystery" into your "Alaska!
Fitz: Sounds like a sexual metaphor. Come on, let's go see what Frank can do on the ice!
Chapter Three:
30 minutes later, the Legion of DOOOOOM were at the local ice rink which is called Raw Deal. Frank is on the ice, effortlessly gliding around with a hockey stick, scoring goal after goal. This was only practice. Thester watches from the sidelines, impressed.
Thester: (in awe) Wow, Frank’s actually really cheerio!
Pedro: (surprised) Yeah, he’s not bad. Maybe we can use this to our advantage.
When hockey practice was over. Frank walks over the stands still wearing his hockey gear, a smug grin on his face.
Frank: So, what do you think?
Fitz: (raising an eyebrow) Impressive, Frank. Didn’t know you had it in you.
Thester: (excitedly) Yeah, Frank, you’re amazing! I wish I could play like that.
Frank: (scoffing) Please, Thester, you couldn’t even handle a stick properly.
Thester: (offended) What?...is THAT supposed to MEAN?!?!!? I could totally play hockey if I tried!
Frank and Thester glare at each other, tension filling the room. Fitz clears his throat, sensing the brewing conflict.
Fitz: Alright, settle down, you two. We don’t need any fighting.
Marcos: (smirking) Actually, this could be fun. A little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
Nodding in agreement, a mischievous glint seeps though Pedro's eyes.
Pedro: I like where this is going. How about we turn this into a little wager?
Fitz: You mean turn Frank and Thester against each other?
Pedro: Trust me on this one. I'll coach Thester. In the meantime you encourage Frank to keep up his skills.
Fitz: All right. But no funny business!
Pedro: Come on, puto? Have I ever.
Fitz agrees to let Pedro coach Thester in hockey. Robbie and Delbert meet Frank.
Robbie: We have some awesome news!
Frank: What is it?
Delbert: There's going to be a hockey game this Saturday at 4pm. The Paradise Concretes against the Diamond City Family Jewels!
Frank: I accept!
Chapter Four:
The next day at the Dippin Dot's parking lot. Thester is on rollerblades with a hockey stick Pedro is on the sidelines as a goalie.
Thester: Why aren't we at the rink.
Pedro: For now we practice on the blacktop.
Thester: Then we go on the ice?
Pedro: (grinning) My thoughts exactly. Now, Thester! Ready for some hockey practice?
Thester: (nervously) Uh, hockey? I’ve never played before.
Pedro: No worries! I studied some hockey moves on Youtube! Just follow my lead.
Demonstrating a slapshot, it was sending a foam puck flying.
Thester: (wide-eyed) Whoa! Okay, show me that again.
Pedro: (patiently) First, you need to learn how to hold the stick. Grip it like this, and keep your wrists loose.
The two practice stickhandling, weaving between imaginary opponents.
Thester: (grinning) This is fun! How will I become every bit as good as Frank?
Pedro: (winking) Trust me, Thester. Hockey skills come in handy when the time is correct. Plus, it’s a great stress reliever. Now we shall go on the ice!
Driving to the Raw Deal ice rink. Pedro hands Thester a helmet then some ice skates.
Pedro: Now, let’s work on skating. Bend your knees, push off with one foot, and glide.
Wobbling on the ice skates, Thester manages to stay upright.
Thester: (panting) I'm not Kurt Russell in Miracle! That's for sure.
Pedro: (laughing) You’ll get the hang of it. Now, let’s practice passing.
They pass the puck back and forth. Suddenly, Diamond City Hockey Coach Chip Fuckyeah approaches.
Chip: Impressive! Who’s this rookie?
Pedro: (proudly) This is Thester. He’s a quick learner. Puto!
Chip: (raising an eyebrow) Thester, huh? You’ve got potential. Ever considered playing for the Diamond City Family Jewels?
Thester: (stammering) Me? But I’m just a lackey! I live here in Paradise. Not Diamond City.
Chip: Talent is talent, kid. Come try out for our team. We need fresh blood.
Going into a fantasy Thester’s eyes widen as he imagines himself in a professional hockey jersey.
Thester: (excited) I’ll do it! Thanks, Coach! I'll show that stupid Frank!
Feeling a pat his back. Thester smiles at Pedro.
Pedro: You’ve got this, puto. Show 'em what Diamond City Family Jewels can do!
As Thester skates away, Pedro watches with pride.
Pedro: (to himself) Maybe I should start a Columbian Hockey league.
Chapter Five:
Fitz was coaching Frank at hockey once a day. It all was worth it. Frank, the team captain, skates with determination. Fitz watches from the sidelines. The others on the team were Robbie, Delbert, Earl, Cooter, Bo, Purse Snatcher, and Dr. Kuznik.
Fitz: (to himself) Frank’s really giving it his all out there.
Just then, Thester, enters the rink. He’s wearing an oversized hockey jersey and carrying a stick.
Thester: (excitedly) Hey, Fitz! You won’t believe what I’ve been up to!
Robbie: What the fuck is that British Bing Bang Bullshit doing here?
Delbert: Get outta here! We already have our fucking team picked out!
Fitz: (raising an eyebrow) What’s got you so excited, Thester?
Thester: I’ve been taking secret hockey lessons! From Pedro I’ve got moves, Fitz. Moves!
Taking notice Frank sees Thester and skates over, still breathing heavily from practice.
Frank: (sarcastic) Oh, great. Thester’s here. What’s the emergency this time?
Thester: No emergency, Frank! Just watch this!
Taking a deep breath, Thester then skates toward the net. He winds up and takes a slapshot. The puck sails into the top corner of the goal.
Bo: Holy fuck!
Cooter: The Brit is it!
Earl: Beginners luck.
Fitz: (jaw dropping) Holy puck! Did you see that, Frank?
Frank: (gritting his teeth) Yeah, I saw it. Who cares, I can play so much better! Earl is right it's pure luck!
Thester: (beaming) Lucky? Fitz, tell him I’ve been practicing for weeks!
Fitz: (trying to mediate) Frank, cut him some slack. Maybe he’s a natural.
Frank: (angry) A natural? This is our team, Fitz! We’re serious about winning the league championship. We don’t need circus acts.
Thester: (defensive) I’m not a circus act! I can contribute!
Becoming bitter rivals, Frank and Thester glare at each other.
Frank: Prove it. You want to be part of the team? Fine. You’re on. But if you mess up, you’re out.
Thester: I can never mess up! Got mad skills now, asshole!
Stepping between them is Fitz.
Fitz: Guys, let’s focus on how we play. Who gives a fuck about winning. You don't want to be like those brothers in Slap Shot. Do you?
Chapter Six:
Back at the Dippin Dots building. Fitz hears a news report on TV.
Kurt Connors: In local sports. At the Raw Deal Ice Rink there's going to be a hockey game. The Paradise Concretes vs The Diamond City Family Jewels.
Fitz: Thester is getting awesome at hockey. Too bad there's no way he can get on Frank's team.
Pedro snickers a little.
Fitz: What's so funny, Pedro.
Pedro: Oh nothing. I'm just in a good mood.
Marcos Narcos was making dinner.
Pedro: What's for dinner.
Marcos: Just some Pollo Rice. A Colombian specialty
Fitz: I am so worried about Frank and Thester.
Upstairs in his bedroom, Frank was looking up the players from The Diamond City Family Jewels.
Frank: Hmmm, most of these team players are from the police department and....
Being in for the biggest shock of his life, Frank sees who the goalie is.
Frank: THESTER?!?!?!?! That mother fucker!
Fitz listens to the news report. Then he gets shocked about Thester's position when Kurt Connors announces the team mate names.
Kurt Connors: The goalie is none other than Paradise's own Thester Carbomb!
Fitz: What the hell!
Thester walks into the kitchen.
Fitz: Thester, why didn't you tell us you were playing for the opposite team?
Thester: It was supposed to be a surprise.
Fitz (eyes Pedro): You put them up to this, didn't you?
Pedro: Okay, fine. You got me. I wanted them to be in competition for your approval!
Fitz: WHAT?!?!?!
Pedro: So you can kick one of them out of the Legion of DOOOOOM and things will turn for the better.
Fitz: I should've known you were up to something. Especially with that suspicious laugh you did five minutes ago.
Pedro: Come on! I sometimes get competitive over sports, puto. I love seeing a good fight between two sports players. It's a guy thing you know!
Fitz: Can't argue with that. We guys do love our sports. Besides, But you had no right to pit Thester and Frank against each other!
Pedro: I want to see blood between them!
Fitz: You're sick you know that!
Thester goes upstairs and Frank pulls him into his room.
Frank: Hello King Thester!
Thester: Frank! Why did you pull me into your room?
Frank: I just found out who the goalie is for the Diamond City Family Jewels. Anyway, certain differences and rivalries if you will have come up between us. I thought we can talk it over like civilized people. But instead I just ripped the head off of....
Thester looks on to see that Frank has torn about a fish toy.
Frank: Mr. Fishybones!
Thester: Frank! That's Jerry's favorite squeaky toy!
Frank: SHIT! (kisses the fish squeaky toy) Jerry will disown me!
Fitz: HEY! Quiet down up there!
Thester: Frank! Just get out of here!
Frank: It's a free country.
Thester: That doesn't make sense!
Frank: Like Paul Rubens in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. I Know You Are But What Am I?
Thester: Get the fuck out! Fuck out!
Frank: OKAY! (gets down from his bed) But on my way, I'm going to be doing this. (throws his fists in the air) And if your ass gets in the way, it'll be your fault!
Thester: Two can play at that game. I'm going to start kicking air like this! (kicks in the air) and if your ass gets in the way it's going to be your fault!
Frank and Thester both go "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Until a loud fight breaks out between them.
Fitz: Damn! I better go check that out! Marcos! Don't taste test the dinner while I'm upstairs! Nobody wants your germs.
Marcos: Santa Maria! It's the Columbian thing to do!
Fitz goes into the Frank's room and sees that Frank and Thester are strangling and wrestling one another.
Frank and Thester: (both screaming)
Fitz: (turns on a light switch on and off): STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
Frank: Fitz! That's annoying!
Thester: Frank started it!
Fitz: I don't give a rat's ass who started it! I never want to see you two fight that like ever again! You are both equals here at the Legion of DOOOOOM! I don't like one better than the other. You are not in competition with each other! I said it once and I'll say it again! NOT IN COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER!
Pedro: Can't wait for the big game this Saturday! Frank's team will play against Thester's team! Just like I wanted! (points to Frank and Thester): Don't go easy on each other just because you're both Legion of DOOOOM members! You must both fight for your Kingpin's approval! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (turns light switch on and off)
Chapter Seven:
The day of the big game arrives. Raw Deal Ice Rink is packed with spectators, including Fitz, Pedro, Marcos, and various other residents of Paradise. Frank and Thester stand on opposite ends of the ice, ready to face off. Camaro Bob comes to sing the National Anthem.
Frank (skates up to Thester): Get ready to lose!
Thester: Maybe you will! I'm wearing lucky fishhead!
Frank: What does that make you, Dr. Demento? Get it? Fish Heads Fish Heads Roly Poly Fish Heads?
The air horn blows throughout the Raw Deal ice rink and the game begins.
Fitz (addressing the crowd): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ultimate showdown between The Paradise Concretes and The Diamond City Family Jewels!
The crowd cheers as the game begins. Frank and Thester skate fiercely, each determined to outdo the other. The competition is intense, with both players showcasing their skills. The song House of Memories by Panic! At the Disco plays thoughout the hockey game.
Robbie: Fuck, look at dem sumbitches go!
Delbert: They have more balls than anyone on our team!
Pedro: (watching from the sidelines): This is more entertaining than I thought.
Frank does a kick save.
Pedro: YES! FRANK RULES! THESTER DROOLS!
Thester blocks a puck.
Pedro: YES! THESTER RULES! FRANK DROOLS!
Fitz: Will this beer shut you up? (hands Pedro a beer)
Marcos: (grinning) Yeah, it’s like watching a real-life rivalry unfold.
Fitz: Oh no! Not you too!
Robbie, Delbert, and Earl were skating towards Thester and bump into him.
Fitz: AAAAHHHH! They hurt Thester! They hurt my Thester! I demand vengeance I DEMAND VENGEANCE!
Frank meets the same fate when Dr Kuznik, Bo, and Cooter bump him into the ice.
Fitz: DAMN! That'll leave a mark!
The crowd gets distracted when Stanley Hopsin walks down the stairs and spills popcorn over himself.
An announcer who was Anton says over the horns.
Anton: Robbie Hick will be called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Frank Flipperfist.
Robbie (skates to the penalty box): Son of a bitch!
As the game reaches its climax, Frank and Thester are neck and neck, the score tied. Taking his place at the penality shot, Frank and Thester are eye to eye.
Crowd #1: GO FRANK! KILL THESTER!
Crowd #2: GO THESTER! KILL FRANK!
Fitz: Oooooh, this is bad! I can't look! (covers his eyes)
Pedro: Oh boy, puto! One more shot with only four seconds left! Your henchman against yours! The winner will be showered with praise and rewarded with his favorite things. The loser will be kicked out of the Legion of DOOOOOM and go down for all your crimes and spend years and years in prison!
Fitz: Remind me to never take you to any more sports games in the future!
Frank does the penalty shot and Thester catches it. Scoring the game the Diamond City Family Jewels win the game. The crowd erupts in a riot but is ignored.
Robbie: We lost! What the fuck!
Delbert: To Diamond City of all places! What'll we do now!
Earl: Fight each other?
Bo and Cooter: let's go!
Thester: (panting) Yes! I did it!
Skating over to Thester, Frank was offering a begrudging handshake.
Frank: (gritting his teeth) Good game, Thester.
Accepting the handshake. Thester grins.
Thester: (smirking) You too, Frank.
Approaching them is Fitz. With a satisfied smile on his face. Pedro comes too.
Fitz: Well, looks like this rivalry isn’t so bitter after all. But let’s not make a habit of it, alright?
Thester: We got a little crazy back there.
Frank: No more hockey for us. Deal?
Thester: Done deal!
Fitz: It's so good to see you two get along again! That makes me a very happy Kingpin!
Thester and Frank made amends and Fitz couldn't be more happier.
Pedro: You two made up? You're both losers! Losers!
Frank and Thester nod in agreement, the tension between them dissipating. The crowd cheers as they shake hands, marking the end of an epic showdown on the ice.
Fitz: Let's go to Goopy Goopers! My treat!
Pedro (rolls eyes and scoffs): Okay!
The scene fades to black as the sound of cheering fades away.
The End
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title:
Major Ice
by: Hailey Sands
Chapter One:
The Paradise PD station is bustling with activity. Out of the building walks Robbie and Delbert, the mischievous "brothers", are huddled together near the coffee machine. After getting bailed out of a holding cell for the 2376th time.
Robbie: (whispering) Delbert, you know what this place needs? A hockey team!
Delbert: (grinning) You mean like a bunch of cops on skates, chasing pucks instead of criminals?
Robbie: Exactly! But no cops. And we need Frank on our team. He’s got that killer slapshot.
Delbert: (nodding) Yeah, but how do we convince Frank? He’s always busy with his doughnut shop and stuff.
Robbie: Leave that to me. I’ve got a plan.
Going to Frank's office at the Dougnut shop, Robbie and Delbert try to talk Frank into an opportunity of a lifetime.
Robbie and Delbert knock on Frank’s door.
Frank: (looking up from his doughnut stand) What do you two want?
Robbie Frank, we’re forming a hockey team. You in?
Frank: (raising an eyebrow) A hockey team? Why would I—
Delbert: (interrupting) Because you’ve got the best slapshot in town! We need you, Frank.
Frank: (leaning back in his chair) You want me to play hockey with you two fuckheads?
Robbie: (grinning) Not just us. The whole population of criminals! Imagine it Winner gets bragging rights for a year. We'll call our team The Paradise Concretes!
Delbert: Our local hockey team is playing against the Diamond City Family Jewels.
Frank: (sighing) I don’t know, guys. I’ve got a lot on my plate.
Robbie: (leaning in) Come on, Frank. It’s all about teamwork. We’ll even let you be captain.
Frank: (raising an eyebrow) Captain? Why me?
Delbert: Because you’re the only one who can keep us in line. Plus, you’ve got that intimidating stare.
Frank: (smirking) Fine. But only if.......
Robbie: No ifs, ands or buts! Deal! We’ll practice after work. And don’t worry—we’ve got extra helmets for your head of long hair.
Delbert: Yes, your hair looks like Brad Pitt's in A River Runs Thought it!
Frank: (rolling his eyes) Thanks for the insult there! Just make sure Bloodknife doesn’t break down mid-game.
Robbie: (saluting) You got it, Captain Frank!
Delbert: (whispering) This is gonna be epic.
Chapter Two:
The next scene opens in the basement of the Dippin' Dots building. Hours later after Frank joined the Paradise Concretes hockey team after passing the try outs which took place at the parking lot of You Store It Some.
Frank: How was that?
Robbie: Welcome to the team!
Delbert: Make it official and take these steroids...
Frank slaps the steroids out of Delbert's hand with his flipper.
Delbert: What did I do?
Robbie: He has a point you know. We don't need steroids.
Delbert: We're glad you joined.
Robbie: We tried to get Bloodknife to join the team but he declined.
Frank: I am going to kick Diamond City in their Family Jewels! If you know what I mean!
Fitz, Pedro, Marcos, and Thester are gathered around a table playing poker. Frank is sitting in the corner, absent mindedly flipping a hockey puck.
Fitz: (tossing chips into the pot) So, Marcos, any new shipments coming in?
Marcos: (grinning) Santa Maria! You know me, always staying busy. But enough about business. Frank, what’s with the hockey puck?
Frank: (looks up) Oh, this? I used to play hockey back in the day. I am now on a team. Pretty good at it, too.
Pedro: (chuckling)You? Good at hockey? I gotta see this, puto!
Frank: (smirking) You doubt me, Pedro? Just wait and watch. I'll put "Mystery" into your "Alaska!
Fitz: Sounds like a sexual metaphor. Come on, let's go see what Frank can do on the ice!
Chapter Three:
30 minutes later, the Legion of DOOOOOM were at the local ice rink which is called Raw Deal. Frank is on the ice, effortlessly gliding around with a hockey stick, scoring goal after goal. This was only practice. Thester watches from the sidelines, impressed.
Thester: (in awe) Wow, Frank’s actually really cheerio!
Pedro: (surprised) Yeah, he’s not bad. Maybe we can use this to our advantage.
When hockey practice was over. Frank walks over the stands still wearing his hockey gear, a smug grin on his face.
Frank: So, what do you think?
Fitz: (raising an eyebrow) Impressive, Frank. Didn’t know you had it in you.
Thester: (excitedly) Yeah, Frank, you’re amazing! I wish I could play like that.
Frank: (scoffing) Please, Thester, you couldn’t even handle a stick properly.
Thester: (offended) What?...is THAT supposed to MEAN?!?!!? I could totally play hockey if I tried!
Frank and Thester glare at each other, tension filling the room. Fitz clears his throat, sensing the brewing conflict.
Fitz: Alright, settle down, you two. We don’t need any fighting.
Marcos: (smirking) Actually, this could be fun. A little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
Nodding in agreement, a mischievous glint seeps though Pedro's eyes.
Pedro: I like where this is going. How about we turn this into a little wager?
Fitz: You mean turn Frank and Thester against each other?
Pedro: Trust me on this one. I'll coach Thester. In the meantime you encourage Frank to keep up his skills.
Fitz: All right. But no funny business!
Pedro: Come on, puto? Have I ever.
Fitz agrees to let Pedro coach Thester in hockey. Robbie and Delbert meet Frank.
Robbie: We have some awesome news!
Frank: What is it?
Delbert: There's going to be a hockey game this Saturday at 4pm. The Paradise Concretes against the Diamond City Family Jewels!
Frank: I accept!
Chapter Four:
The next day at the Dippin Dot's parking lot. Thester is on rollerblades with a hockey stick Pedro is on the sidelines as a goalie.
Thester: Why aren't we at the rink.
Pedro: For now we practice on the blacktop.
Thester: Then we go on the ice?
Pedro: (grinning) My thoughts exactly. Now, Thester! Ready for some hockey practice?
Thester: (nervously) Uh, hockey? I’ve never played before.
Pedro: No worries! I studied some hockey moves on Youtube! Just follow my lead.
Demonstrating a slapshot, it was sending a foam puck flying.
Thester: (wide-eyed) Whoa! Okay, show me that again.
Pedro: (patiently) First, you need to learn how to hold the stick. Grip it like this, and keep your wrists loose.
The two practice stickhandling, weaving between imaginary opponents.
Thester: (grinning) This is fun! How will I become every bit as good as Frank?
Pedro: (winking) Trust me, Thester. Hockey skills come in handy when the time is correct. Plus, it’s a great stress reliever. Now we shall go on the ice!
Driving to the Raw Deal ice rink. Pedro hands Thester a helmet then some ice skates.
Pedro: Now, let’s work on skating. Bend your knees, push off with one foot, and glide.
Wobbling on the ice skates, Thester manages to stay upright.
Thester: (panting) I'm not Kurt Russell in Miracle! That's for sure.
Pedro: (laughing) You’ll get the hang of it. Now, let’s practice passing.
They pass the puck back and forth. Suddenly, Diamond City Hockey Coach Chip Fuckyeah approaches.
Chip: Impressive! Who’s this rookie?
Pedro: (proudly) This is Thester. He’s a quick learner. Puto!
Chip: (raising an eyebrow) Thester, huh? You’ve got potential. Ever considered playing for the Diamond City Family Jewels?
Thester: (stammering) Me? But I’m just a lackey! I live here in Paradise. Not Diamond City.
Chip: Talent is talent, kid. Come try out for our team. We need fresh blood.
Going into a fantasy Thester’s eyes widen as he imagines himself in a professional hockey jersey.
Thester: (excited) I’ll do it! Thanks, Coach! I'll show that stupid Frank!
Feeling a pat his back. Thester smiles at Pedro.
Pedro: You’ve got this, puto. Show 'em what Diamond City Family Jewels can do!
As Thester skates away, Pedro watches with pride.
Pedro: (to himself) Maybe I should start a Columbian Hockey league.
Chapter Five:
Fitz was coaching Frank at hockey once a day. It all was worth it. Frank, the team captain, skates with determination. Fitz watches from the sidelines. The others on the team were Robbie, Delbert, Earl, Cooter, Bo, Purse Snatcher, and Dr. Kuznik.
Fitz: (to himself) Frank’s really giving it his all out there.
Just then, Thester, enters the rink. He’s wearing an oversized hockey jersey and carrying a stick.
Thester: (excitedly) Hey, Fitz! You won’t believe what I’ve been up to!
Robbie: What the fuck is that British Bing Bang Bullshit doing here?
Delbert: Get outta here! We already have our fucking team picked out!
Fitz: (raising an eyebrow) What’s got you so excited, Thester?
Thester: I’ve been taking secret hockey lessons! From Pedro I’ve got moves, Fitz. Moves!
Taking notice Frank sees Thester and skates over, still breathing heavily from practice.
Frank: (sarcastic) Oh, great. Thester’s here. What’s the emergency this time?
Thester: No emergency, Frank! Just watch this!
Taking a deep breath, Thester then skates toward the net. He winds up and takes a slapshot. The puck sails into the top corner of the goal.
Bo: Holy fuck!
Cooter: The Brit is it!
Earl: Beginners luck.
Fitz: (jaw dropping) Holy puck! Did you see that, Frank?
Frank: (gritting his teeth) Yeah, I saw it. Who cares, I can play so much better! Earl is right it's pure luck!
Thester: (beaming) Lucky? Fitz, tell him I’ve been practicing for weeks!
Fitz: (trying to mediate) Frank, cut him some slack. Maybe he’s a natural.
Frank: (angry) A natural? This is our team, Fitz! We’re serious about winning the league championship. We don’t need circus acts.
Thester: (defensive) I’m not a circus act! I can contribute!
Becoming bitter rivals, Frank and Thester glare at each other.
Frank: Prove it. You want to be part of the team? Fine. You’re on. But if you mess up, you’re out.
Thester: I can never mess up! Got mad skills now, asshole!
Stepping between them is Fitz.
Fitz: Guys, let’s focus on how we play. Who gives a fuck about winning. You don't want to be like those brothers in Slap Shot. Do you?
Chapter Six:
Back at the Dippin Dots building. Fitz hears a news report on TV.
Kurt Connors: In local sports. At the Raw Deal Ice Rink there's going to be a hockey game. The Paradise Concretes vs The Diamond City Family Jewels.
Fitz: Thester is getting awesome at hockey. Too bad there's no way he can get on Frank's team.
Pedro snickers a little.
Fitz: What's so funny, Pedro.
Pedro: Oh nothing. I'm just in a good mood.
Marcos Narcos was making dinner.
Pedro: What's for dinner.
Marcos: Just some Pollo Rice. A Colombian specialty
Fitz: I am so worried about Frank and Thester.
Upstairs in his bedroom, Frank was looking up the players from The Diamond City Family Jewels.
Frank: Hmmm, most of these team players are from the police department and....
Being in for the biggest shock of his life, Frank sees who the goalie is.
Frank: THESTER?!?!?!?! That mother fucker!
Fitz listens to the news report. Then he gets shocked about Thester's position when Kurt Connors announces the team mate names.
Kurt Connors: The goalie is none other than Paradise's own Thester Carbomb!
Fitz: What the hell!
Thester walks into the kitchen.
Fitz: Thester, why didn't you tell us you were playing for the opposite team?
Thester: It was supposed to be a surprise.
Fitz (eyes Pedro): You put them up to this, didn't you?
Pedro: Okay, fine. You got me. I wanted them to be in competition for your approval!
Fitz: WHAT?!?!?!
Pedro: So you can kick one of them out of the Legion of DOOOOOM and things will turn for the better.
Fitz: I should've known you were up to something. Especially with that suspicious laugh you did five minutes ago.
Pedro: Come on! I sometimes get competitive over sports, puto. I love seeing a good fight between two sports players. It's a guy thing you know!
Fitz: Can't argue with that. We guys do love our sports. Besides, But you had no right to pit Thester and Frank against each other!
Pedro: I want to see blood between them!
Fitz: You're sick you know that!
Thester goes upstairs and Frank pulls him into his room.
Frank: Hello King Thester!
Thester: Frank! Why did you pull me into your room?
Frank: I just found out who the goalie is for the Diamond City Family Jewels. Anyway, certain differences and rivalries if you will have come up between us. I thought we can talk it over like civilized people. But instead I just ripped the head off of....
Thester looks on to see that Frank has torn about a fish toy.
Frank: Mr. Fishybones!
Thester: Frank! That's Jerry's favorite squeaky toy!
Frank: SHIT! (kisses the fish squeaky toy) Jerry will disown me!
Fitz: HEY! Quiet down up there!
Thester: Frank! Just get out of here!
Frank: It's a free country.
Thester: That doesn't make sense!
Frank: Like Paul Rubens in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. I Know You Are But What Am I?
Thester: Get the fuck out! Fuck out!
Frank: OKAY! (gets down from his bed) But on my way, I'm going to be doing this. (throws his fists in the air) And if your ass gets in the way, it'll be your fault!
Thester: Two can play at that game. I'm going to start kicking air like this! (kicks in the air) and if your ass gets in the way it's going to be your fault!
Frank and Thester both go "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Until a loud fight breaks out between them.
Fitz: Damn! I better go check that out! Marcos! Don't taste test the dinner while I'm upstairs! Nobody wants your germs.
Marcos: Santa Maria! It's the Columbian thing to do!
Fitz goes into the Frank's room and sees that Frank and Thester are strangling and wrestling one another.
Frank and Thester: (both screaming)
Fitz: (turns on a light switch on and off): STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
Frank: Fitz! That's annoying!
Thester: Frank started it!
Fitz: I don't give a rat's ass who started it! I never want to see you two fight that like ever again! You are both equals here at the Legion of DOOOOOM! I don't like one better than the other. You are not in competition with each other! I said it once and I'll say it again! NOT IN COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER!
Pedro: Can't wait for the big game this Saturday! Frank's team will play against Thester's team! Just like I wanted! (points to Frank and Thester): Don't go easy on each other just because you're both Legion of DOOOOM members! You must both fight for your Kingpin's approval! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! (turns light switch on and off)
Chapter Seven:
The day of the big game arrives. Raw Deal Ice Rink is packed with spectators, including Fitz, Pedro, Marcos, and various other residents of Paradise. Frank and Thester stand on opposite ends of the ice, ready to face off. Camaro Bob comes to sing the National Anthem.
Frank (skates up to Thester): Get ready to lose!
Thester: Maybe you will! I'm wearing lucky fishhead!
Frank: What does that make you, Dr. Demento? Get it? Fish Heads Fish Heads Roly Poly Fish Heads?
The air horn blows throughout the Raw Deal ice rink and the game begins.
Fitz (addressing the crowd): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ultimate showdown between The Paradise Concretes and The Diamond City Family Jewels!
The crowd cheers as the game begins. Frank and Thester skate fiercely, each determined to outdo the other. The competition is intense, with both players showcasing their skills. The song House of Memories by Panic! At the Disco plays thoughout the hockey game.
Robbie: Fuck, look at dem sumbitches go!
Delbert: They have more balls than anyone on our team!
Pedro: (watching from the sidelines): This is more entertaining than I thought.
Frank does a kick save.
Pedro: YES! FRANK RULES! THESTER DROOLS!
Thester blocks a puck.
Pedro: YES! THESTER RULES! FRANK DROOLS!
Fitz: Will this beer shut you up? (hands Pedro a beer)
Marcos: (grinning) Yeah, it’s like watching a real-life rivalry unfold.
Fitz: Oh no! Not you too!
Robbie, Delbert, and Earl were skating towards Thester and bump into him.
Fitz: AAAAHHHH! They hurt Thester! They hurt my Thester! I demand vengeance I DEMAND VENGEANCE!
Frank meets the same fate when Dr Kuznik, Bo, and Cooter bump him into the ice.
Fitz: DAMN! That'll leave a mark!
The crowd gets distracted when Stanley Hopsin walks down the stairs and spills popcorn over himself.
An announcer who was Anton says over the horns.
Anton: Robbie Hick will be called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Frank Flipperfist.
Robbie (skates to the penalty box): Son of a bitch!
As the game reaches its climax, Frank and Thester are neck and neck, the score tied. Taking his place at the penality shot, Frank and Thester are eye to eye.
Crowd #1: GO FRANK! KILL THESTER!
Crowd #2: GO THESTER! KILL FRANK!
Fitz: Oooooh, this is bad! I can't look! (covers his eyes)
Pedro: Oh boy, puto! One more shot with only four seconds left! Your henchman against yours! The winner will be showered with praise and rewarded with his favorite things. The loser will be kicked out of the Legion of DOOOOOM and go down for all your crimes and spend years and years in prison!
Fitz: Remind me to never take you to any more sports games in the future!
Frank does the penalty shot and Thester catches it. Scoring the game the Diamond City Family Jewels win the game. The crowd erupts in a riot but is ignored.
Robbie: We lost! What the fuck!
Delbert: To Diamond City of all places! What'll we do now!
Earl: Fight each other?
Bo and Cooter: let's go!
Thester: (panting) Yes! I did it!
Skating over to Thester, Frank was offering a begrudging handshake.
Frank: (gritting his teeth) Good game, Thester.
Accepting the handshake. Thester grins.
Thester: (smirking) You too, Frank.
Approaching them is Fitz. With a satisfied smile on his face. Pedro comes too.
Fitz: Well, looks like this rivalry isn’t so bitter after all. But let’s not make a habit of it, alright?
Thester: We got a little crazy back there.
Frank: No more hockey for us. Deal?
Thester: Done deal!
Fitz: It's so good to see you two get along again! That makes me a very happy Kingpin!
Thester and Frank made amends and Fitz couldn't be more happier.
Pedro: You two made up? You're both losers! Losers!
Frank and Thester nod in agreement, the tension between them dissipating. The crowd cheers as they shake hands, marking the end of an epic showdown on the ice.
Fitz: Let's go to Goopy Goopers! My treat!
Pedro (rolls eyes and scoffs): Okay!
The scene fades to black as the sound of cheering fades away.
The End
Sign up to rate and review this story