Categories > Original > Mystery
Jacking Up The Savings
0 reviewsA Mr Birchum fanfic. Richard discovers Eddie made a bit too much of a payment in his credit card.
0Unrated
To those of you who don't know, Mr Birchum is a cartoon from the website The Daily Wire. Starring Adam Carolla one of my many comic heroes.
Being on suspension was never easy for the high school woods teacher, Mr. Richard Birchum. For a week now, he had been reported for showing an old Kool-Aid commercial from the early '60s that would be considered politically incorrect today. Thanks to his arch-nemesis, Mr. Karponzi, he found himself substituting Richard’s Woods Class.
Wendi was at work, and Jeannie was in school.
Every month, the Birchum family faced financial struggles. Despite Richard and Wendi having well-paying jobs, their earnings were stretched thin by groceries and bills. Even their gamer son, Eddie, had his own financial responsibilities. Richard decided to call the bank, desperate for answers.
“I can’t take this suspension anymore!” Richard exclaimed. “We’re down to our last dime—only $140 left. We’ll have to wait until the first of the month before all our money comes in.”
Dialing the bank, Richard muttered, “Recent activity.” Thankfully, he reached a real person instead of an automated system.
“Yes, hello. This is Richard Birchum, your most valued customer,” he said. “How much money do I have left in the bank?”
Meanwhile, Eddie was in the basement, engrossed in a game he’d never played before—Apex Legends. “I’m loving this already!” Eddie exclaimed, blissfully unaware of the impending financial storm.
The banker’s response hit Richard like a ton of bricks: “Your balance is only $20!” Shocked, Richard blurted out, “WHAT? How is that possible?”
“It appears that someone in your family cashed a check for $150,” the banker explained. “I’ll find out who did this and get back to you. Goodbye.”
Richard’s mind raced. Who could’ve done this? Wendi was faithful with money, and Jeanie was too young. Only one other family member remained—the credit card-wielding Eddie. “I bet it was him!” Richard muttered to himself.
Descending to the basement, Richard confronted Eddie. “Oh hi, Dad,” Eddie greeted. “One more day, and you’re back to work. Guess how much money we have in the bank?”
“Are you a math teacher now? Bad enough you’re a woods teacher,” Eddie quipped, trying to hide his nervousness.
“Don’t crack wise with me!” Richard retorted. “We’re down to only $25! I don’t even have enough to pay the electrical bill!”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding!”
“No, I’m serious,” Richard said. “That’s the money in your name! Do you know what will happen if that $25 is spent?”
Eddie stammered, “Uhhh, have no clue.”
“We’ll have to start all over again—red tape and all,” Richard warned.
“What do you want to know?” Eddie asked. “How much did you put on your credit card bill?”
Eddie hesitated, then confessed, “Okay, you got me. I spent $100 over the minimum. There, I said it.”
Richard stormed away to call the bank once more. The same banker answered, “Can I help you?”
“It was my son, Eddie,” Richard declared. “He spent a little too much on his credit card bill. So he’s the culprit of the day. Goodbye.”
As Richard questioned Eddie, the truth emerged. “So it was you!” Richard shouted.
“Yes. Okay. I told the truth,” Eddie pleaded. “No reason to stay upset with me.”
"But why would you go over my head like this? You know how short we get at the end of the month!" spoke Richard.
"All right, fine. My credit card bill was $1700, and I wanted to get it back down to $1600!" Eddie confessed.
"How long have you been doing this. Because I've noticed every month lately we're always $150 short." Richard wanted to know.
"About....let's see, six months!" Eddie spouted off. "Okay, I'm in extreme shock over this. Give me a moment to sort things out." Richard said.
2 hours have passed. Richard Birchum paced the living room, his frustration boiling over. Eddie sat on the couch, fidgeting with the TV remote. The air hung heavy with tension.
“Eddie,” Richard began, “we need to have a serious talk. You’ve jeopardized our finances, and I won’t stand for it.”
Eddie shifted uncomfortably. “This again!"
"Yes, This again!" Richard spoke out pointing at him.
Eddie starts off, "Dad, I know I messed up. But it’s just a hundred bucks. Can’t we figure this out?”
Wendi, Richard’s wife, entered the room home from work, her expression a mix of concern and disappointment. “What’s going on here?”
Richard gestured toward Eddie. “Our son here decided to pay more than the mininum with his credit card bill. Now we’re down to our last $25 in the bank.”
Wendi’s eyes widened. “Eddie, how could you? We’ve been struggling to make ends meet.”
Eddie mumbled an apology, avoiding eye contact. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I’ll pay it back somehow.”
Richard shook his head. “It’s not just about the money, Eddie. It’s about responsibility. We’ve worked hard to provide for this family, and you need to understand the consequences of your actions.”
Wendi pulled out a chair from the dining table. “Sit down, Eddie. We’re having a financial intervention.”
Eddie sank into the chair, feeling like a scolded child. Richard paced, hands gesticulating as he spoke.
“First, we need to create a budget,” Richard said. “We’ll track every expense—groceries, bills, even that Ghost Energy Drink you love so much.”
Eddie winced. “But Dad, Ghost is life!”
Ignoring the interruption, Richard continued. “Next, we’ll cut unnecessary expenses. Next time you get your credit card bill. You will show it to me. Then after that, Eddie, you’re getting a part-time job.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “A job? But I’m a gamer! I have a reputation to maintain online.”
Wendi crossed her arms. “Your reputation won’t pay the bills, Eddie. You’ll find something—maybe mow lawns or walk dogs.”
Eddie slumped in defeat. “Fine. But can I still play Apex Legends?”
Richard sighed. “As long as it doesn’t interfere with our finances. And no more paying extra on your credit card. I still don't understand why you did it. You have such good credit for a gamer slacker."
Wendi softened. “We’ll get through this, Eddie. We’re a family, and we’ll support each other.”
Eddie nodded, realizing the gravity of his actions. “I promise I’ll be more responsible.”
Richard pulled out a notepad. “Let’s start with the budget. Wendi, grab the calculator.”
As they huddled around the table, Richard’s stern expression softened. “Remember, Eddie, this isn’t punishment. It’s a lesson. We’ll learn together.”
Jeanie walks in coming home from school. She already feels there is tension in the air. "Is everything okay?" "It will be unless you're willing to put $20 in the bank to hold us over until the first of the month." Wendi tells her daughter.
"Sure, the bank isn't too far away from here. I'll be happy to." Jeanie volunteers. Going into his piggy bank she says, "I knew that lemonade stand would pay off one day." Getting 20 dollars to put in the bank, Jeanie departs for the bank.
"You know I have savings in my gaming that I get paid for. Why does she get to put money in the bank and I don't?" protested Eddie. A knock was heard. Richard went to get it. On the other side was a sprinkler repair man.
"I got this!" Richard calls out. "The man who fixing our sprinklers is here. Let's hope and pray it won't cost so much." Wendi says. "Like you always say, our lawn looks like shit." Eddie stated. "It does! We have the worst lawn in the neighborhood." Wendi answers back.
A hour went by as Richard was spending time with the sprinkler repair man. When the meeting was over, Richard runs inside and says, "To replace our broken sprinklers is going to cost a mere $2000!
"Oh fuck! Now I'm REALLY in for it!" whined Eddie. Wendi shouted in a high pitched voice, "NO NO NO! Don't say that! You are NOT in for it! You just need to," before Wendi can anything else. Eddie mocked her voice. Feeling so annoying at his mother for shreiking in that high pitched of a voice whenever she panicked about money.
Now Wendi looked at him with an angry smirk, and a look of fury in her eye.
Wendi looks like as if she was about to hit Eddie, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! LOOK AT ALL WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS SUMMER! EYE SURGERY! MAMMOGRAMS! YOU DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL, IN FACT, YOU HATE ME! YOU LOVE YOU SILLY ASS PIXELED DRAGONS ON YOUR FUCKING GAMES BETTER THAN ME!"
Wendi runs off crying and slams the door. Eddie tries to stop her, but was already too late. Jeanie comes home from the bank.
"Don't worry, you're her favorite. She'll make up with you by talking to you about smear campaigns against Youtube Gamers you're in competition with." Jeanie assures her older brother.
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The Birchum household buzzed with newfound determination. Armed with a notepad, calculator, and steely resolve, they sat around the dining table, ready to tackle their financial woes. Wendi came out of her bedroom and was ready to face the music with Eddie and Richard.
"Sorry about that. Had a meltdown, because of Eddie." Wendi explains. "Okay sorry." Eddie says in a snarky tone. "I'm mad at him too. Now we have no money to pay for a new sprinkler system!" Richard joins in. Eddie sighs in resentment.
Richard cleared his throat. “All right, team. Let's all calm down here. We’re in this together. First order of business: the budget.”
Wendi adjusted her glasses. “We’ll start with essentials—groceries, utilities, and the dreaded Ghost Energy Drink fund.”
Eddie, still sulking, chimed in. “Can we at least keep the Ghost Drink? It’s my lifeblood.”
Jeanie walks in, "Can I help too?" "No honey this is too adult for you. Besides, you helped enough already." Wendi tells her daughter.
Richard shot him a stern look. “Eddie, we’re cutting back. No more exotic flavors. Stick to the basics.”
Wendi flipped open the notepad. “Next, let’s address the electric bill. We’ll unplug devices when not in use.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Even my gaming console?”
“Especially your gaming console,” Richard said. “And no more late-night raids. Sleep is free.”
As they scribbled numbers, Richard’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Mr. Karponzi, the scheming substitute teacher.
Mr. Karponzi: Enjoying your suspension, Birchum? I hear your woods class is thriving under my guidance.
Richard clenched his fists. “That man is insufferable.”
Wendi patted his hand. “Focus, Richard. Our financial survival depends on it.”
They moved on to discretionary spending. Eddie squirmed.
“Eddie,” Wendi said, “we’ll limit your gaming expenses. No more loot boxes or virtual pets.”
“But Mom,” Eddie protested, “my virtual dragon needs feeding!”
Richard intervened. “Eddie, dragons don’t starve. And no more impulse buys. Got it?”
Eddie sighed. “Fine. But can I still watch Kool-Aid commercials?”
“Only the classic ones,” Wendi said. "Not the one Karponzi used against me." Richard snided, Enough of that. Now, let’s discuss income.”
Richard turned to Eddie. “You’ll find a part-time job. Mowing lawns, dog-walking—anything that pays.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “What about my online reputation?”
“You can be the best lawn-mowing gamer out there,” Richard deadpanned.
Wendi added, “And I’ll take on extra shifts at my real estate.”
Richard nodded. “We’ll rebuild our savings. No more overdrafts.”
Just then, the doorbell rang. Richard answered to find a delivery person holding a package.
“Mr. Birchum?” the person said. “Special delivery.”
Richard accepted the box, puzzled. “What’s this?”
Inside was a brand-new Kool-Aid dispenser—the kind with the smiling pitcher on top.
Eddie’s face lit up. “Dad, did you order this?”
Richard checked the label. “It’s from an anonymous sender.”
Wendi read the attached note. “‘To the Birchum family, because life needs a little flavor.’”
Eddie hugged the dispenser. “This is amazing! Who could’ve—”
Richard’s eyes narrowed. “Karponzi.”
Wendi gasped. “He’s trying to taunt you.”
Richard grinned. “Well, he won’t break us. We stick to the budget, pay off debts, and—”
Eddie interrupted. “And enjoy Kool-Aid responsibly?”
“Exactly,” Richard said. “We’ll turn this financial mess into a victory.”
The Birchums settled into their new budget-conscious routine. Eddie reluctantly took on a part-time job at the local pet store, where he discovered that walking dogs was more challenging than defeating virtual dragons. Richard still on suspension agreed to work extra when he gets back. Wendi juggled extra shifts, and the Kool-Aid dispenser sat prominently on the kitchen counter, a colorful reminder of their financial resolve.
The first of the month was a day away. Richard called the bank and all their money was in for the month. He told Eddie who was relieved.
One evening, as Richard reviewed the bills, he noticed an odd charge on their credit card statement. “Wendi,” he called out, “did you buy something from ‘Karponzi’s Curiosities’ that asshole has an EBAY page called that.”
Wendi entered the room, drying her hands on a dish towel. “Karponzi’s what now?”
Richard pointed at the line item. “Look. A mysterious purchase—$50 for ‘Rare Collectible: Vintage Kool-Aid Pitcher.’”
Wendi squinted at the statement. “That’s absurd. I haven’t bought anything from a curio shop.”
Eddie wandered in, still wearing his dog-walking uniform. “What’s the commotion?”
Richard showed him the charge. “Eddie, did you secretly become a Kool-Aid memorabilia collector?”
Eddie scratched his head. “Dad, I’m more into energy drinks than vintage pitchers.”
Wendi’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute. Could it be—”
The doorbell rang. Richard opened it to find a package—a familiar Kool-Aid pitcher, this time with a note attached.
Note: “To the Birchum family, because life needs a little flavor. Enjoy your vintage Kool-Aid pitcher. —Anonymous Fan”
Richard clenched his fists. “Karponzi strikes again!”
Wendi read the note aloud. “An anonymous fan? More like an anonymous nuisance.”
Eddie examined the pitcher. “It’s the same style as our dispenser. Maybe it’s a matching set.”
Richard’s mind raced. “But who would send us these? And why?”
Just then, the phone rang. Richard answered, half-expecting Karponzi’s cackling voice.
“Mr. Birchum?” said a mysterious caller. “I have information about the Kool-Aid conspiracy.”
Richard exchanged glances with Wendi and Eddie. “Who is this?”
“Meet me at the old treehouse in Basin Woods,” the voice said. “Midnight. Come alone.”
As Richard hung up, Wendi raised an eyebrow. “A secret meeting? Sounds like a spy novel.”
Eddie grinned. “Maybe it’s the Kool-Aid Mafia.”
Richard sighed. “We’ll find out tonight. But we’re not going alone. We’re Birchums—we stick together.”
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The old treehouse stood nestled among the gnarled branches, its wooden planks weathered by years of secrets and whispered promises. Richard, Wendi, and Eddie gathered at the base, their breaths visible in the chilly night air.
Richard adjusted his flashlight. “This feels like a scene from a mystery novel.”
Wendi shivered. “Or a Kool-Aid commercial gone wrong.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Maybe it’s just a raccoon convention up there.”
They climbed the creaky ladder, each step echoing their anticipation. The treehouse smelled of nostalgia—a mix of pine, adventure, and childhood dreams.
As they reached the top, their flashlight beams revealed an unexpected sight: a table covered in Kool-Aid paraphernalia. Vintage pitchers, colorful packets, and even a framed picture of the iconic Kool-Aid Man adorned the makeshift altar.
Richard squinted. “Who would set up a Kool-Aid shrine?”
Wendi picked up a packet. “And why here? In our woods?”
Eddie pointed to a note pinned to the wall. “Read this.”
The note read:
“Dear Birchums,
You’ve stumbled upon the Kool-Aid Enthusiasts’ Society. We gather here to celebrate the sugary elixir that fueled our childhoods. But there’s more.
Legend has it that buried beneath this treehouse lies the original recipe for Kool-Aid—the one that grants eternal happiness.
Richard raised an eyebrow. “Eternal happiness?”
Wendi chuckled. “Sounds like a marketing ploy.”
Eddie leaned in. “But what if it’s true?”
The room seemed to hum with anticipation. The Birchums exchanged glances.
Richard spoke first. “We’ve faced financial woes, Kool-Aid conspiracies, and Karponzi. Maybe this recipe holds the answers.”
Wendi traced her finger over the framed Kool-Aid Man. “What do we do?”
Eddie grinned. “We dig.”
And so, under the moon’s watchful eye, the Birchums grabbed shovels and began to unearth the secrets hidden beneath the treehouse. The soil yielded not just dirt, but memories—the taste of childhood summers, laughter, and shared adventures.
As they dug deeper, they wondered: Could Kool-Aid truly bring eternal happiness? Or was it merely a sweet diversion?
And so, with determination and a hint of whimsy, the Birchums continued their quest—because sometimes, buried treasures weren’t made of gold, but of memories and a little splash of flavor.
As the Birchums dug deeper, their shovels hit something solid—a rusted metal box. Excitement bubbled within them as they unearthed it, brushing off dirt to reveal an ornate lock.
Richard examined the box. “This isn’t just any container. It’s like a relic from a Kool-Aid temple.”
Wendi traced the intricate patterns. “And look, there’s an inscription.”
The inscription read:
“To unlock the recipe, solve the riddle:
‘In the land of flavors, where lemons dance and cherries sing, find the sum of their magic.’”
Eddie scratched his head. “What kind of riddle is that?”
Richard chuckled. “It’s like a math problem with a twist. Let’s break it down.”
They huddled around the box, their breaths visible in the moonlight.
Lemons dance and cherries sing. Clearly, lemons and cherries represent flavors. But what’s their magic?
Find the sum of their magic. Ah, a mathematical clue! We need to add something related to lemons and cherries.
Wendi thought aloud. “Lemons are sour, and cherries are sweet. Maybe it’s about balancing flavors?”
Eddie grinned. “Like mixing lemonade and cherry juice?”
Richard nodded. “Exactly. Lemons + Cherries = Lemonade + Cherry Juice.”
They did the math:
Lemons+Cherries=Lemonade+Cherry Juice
But what did that sum represent? They pondered.
Wendi whispered, “Maybe it’s not about the liquids, but the letters.”
Eddie rearranged the letters. “L + C = A + J.”
Richard raised an eyebrow. “Lemonade and cherry juice both start with ‘A’ and ‘J’ respectively.”
Eddie grinned wider. “So, the magic lies in the initials!”
They turned the lock, entering “A” and “J.” The box clicked open, revealing a parchment—the legendary Kool-Aid recipe.
Richard read aloud:
“To make Kool-Aid eternal:
1. Mix sunshine with childhood laughter. 2. Stir in memories of summer days. 3. Add a splash of imagination. 4. Sweeten with friendship. 5. Serve chilled, with a smile.”
Wendi wiped away tears. “It’s beautiful.”
Eddie held the recipe close. “And simple.”
And so, in that moonlit treehouse, the Birchums discovered that the true recipe for happiness wasn’t about ingredients—it was about moments shared, flavors savored, and love stirred into every sip.
As they descended, Kool-Aid pitcher in hand, they knew they’d found something far greater than a beverage. They’d found joy.
Or did they?!?!
Back in their house. As the Birchums reveled in their discovery, little did they know that across town, Karponzi was plotting his next scheme. He'd heard rumors of the legendary Kool-Aid recipe hidden within the depths of the Birchum's property, and he was determined to get his hands on it. With a devious grin, he set off under the cover of night, creeping through the shadows towards the Birchum's treehouse.
Meanwhile, the Birchums were celebrating their newfound treasure, pouring themselves glasses of the refreshing elixir they had just concocted. Their laughter echoed through the night as they toasted to friendship and happiness.
But their merriment was short-lived as they heard a rustling outside the treehouse. Richard's instincts kicked in, and he peered out the window, spotting the silhouette of none other than Karponzi skulking about.
Anger flashed in Richard's eyes as he realized Karponzi's intentions. Without hesitation, he rallied his family, and together they confronted the scheming neighbor.
Karponzi tried to feign innocence, but the Birchums were not fooled. "I didnt do all this KoolAid crap! Honest!". pleaded Karponzi. They stood tall, united against his underhanded tactics. Karponzi sees the Birchums aren't buying it. So he decides to fess up.
"Fine! You guys are right! It was me who conducted this Kool-Aid scheme the whole time! To lead you on that you found something good! But I was really just trying to gaslight you all! For revenge for showing that early 60s Kool-Aid commercial "
With a swift move, Richard snatched the recipe from Karponzi's grasp, his eyes flashing with determination.
"You'll never get your hands on this, Karponzi," Richard declared, his voice dripping with defiance.
Karponzi's face twisted into a snarl as he realized his plan had been foiled once again by the Birchums. Defeated, he slunk away into the darkness, vowing revenge but knowing deep down that he had met his match in the indomitable Birchum family.
Shaking his fist in the air, admitting his defeat. But vowing to return. Karponzi yells.
"You may have gotten the better of me this time Richard! Before you know it! Bang! One day you'll be good for good. J.E.D.I. will return and annihilate you! FOREVER!"
Running off into the night, Karponzi decides to confess something else, " Another thing! I encouraged Eddie to make a bigger payment on his credit card too! I sent subliminal messages on his games!"
Eddie falls to the ground, "Now he tells me!".
Getting a phone call from Principal Bortles, Richard's suspension was finally over, and was to report back to work on the following Monday.
With Karponzi vanquished and the Kool-Aid recipe safe in their possession, the Birchums shared a triumphant smile, knowing that they had not only discovered the secret to everlasting happiness but had also thwarted the nefarious schemes of their troublesome neighbor once and for all. And as they clinked their glasses in celebration, the moonlight danced upon their faces, illuminating the joy that radiated from within.
In the meantime, Eddie made a vow to never overspend on a credit card payment again. Or give into subliminal messages on his games. He decided to keep his job at the local pet store but only work Mondays, Wednesday's and Friday's.
Epilogue:
When Wendi went to get her mammogram, it proved to be all normal. The day after, She got her eye exam and got the news that her eyes didn't need surgery after all. The new sprinkler system proved to be a success and onky costed $1500.
The Birchum family's financial troubles are over. Eddie apologizes to Wendi.
"Hey, Mom. I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday."
"I don't even remember what you did or said." Wendi told her son.
"I mocked your voice. That was wrong, and I'll never again go over my minimum on my credit card." Eddie said.
"Just be sure next time Richard sees it first." Wendi told Eddie. "It's a deal."
Richard walks into the room and has all his work stuff with him. "I'm going back to work! My students will be happy to see me! I can put them in the donkey corner again!"
"Have a nice day!" Wendi says. "Bye Dad!" said Eddie. Everything was back to normal for the Birchum family. All thanks to a vintage Kool-Aid pitcher.
Being on suspension was never easy for the high school woods teacher, Mr. Richard Birchum. For a week now, he had been reported for showing an old Kool-Aid commercial from the early '60s that would be considered politically incorrect today. Thanks to his arch-nemesis, Mr. Karponzi, he found himself substituting Richard’s Woods Class.
Wendi was at work, and Jeannie was in school.
Every month, the Birchum family faced financial struggles. Despite Richard and Wendi having well-paying jobs, their earnings were stretched thin by groceries and bills. Even their gamer son, Eddie, had his own financial responsibilities. Richard decided to call the bank, desperate for answers.
“I can’t take this suspension anymore!” Richard exclaimed. “We’re down to our last dime—only $140 left. We’ll have to wait until the first of the month before all our money comes in.”
Dialing the bank, Richard muttered, “Recent activity.” Thankfully, he reached a real person instead of an automated system.
“Yes, hello. This is Richard Birchum, your most valued customer,” he said. “How much money do I have left in the bank?”
Meanwhile, Eddie was in the basement, engrossed in a game he’d never played before—Apex Legends. “I’m loving this already!” Eddie exclaimed, blissfully unaware of the impending financial storm.
The banker’s response hit Richard like a ton of bricks: “Your balance is only $20!” Shocked, Richard blurted out, “WHAT? How is that possible?”
“It appears that someone in your family cashed a check for $150,” the banker explained. “I’ll find out who did this and get back to you. Goodbye.”
Richard’s mind raced. Who could’ve done this? Wendi was faithful with money, and Jeanie was too young. Only one other family member remained—the credit card-wielding Eddie. “I bet it was him!” Richard muttered to himself.
Descending to the basement, Richard confronted Eddie. “Oh hi, Dad,” Eddie greeted. “One more day, and you’re back to work. Guess how much money we have in the bank?”
“Are you a math teacher now? Bad enough you’re a woods teacher,” Eddie quipped, trying to hide his nervousness.
“Don’t crack wise with me!” Richard retorted. “We’re down to only $25! I don’t even have enough to pay the electrical bill!”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding!”
“No, I’m serious,” Richard said. “That’s the money in your name! Do you know what will happen if that $25 is spent?”
Eddie stammered, “Uhhh, have no clue.”
“We’ll have to start all over again—red tape and all,” Richard warned.
“What do you want to know?” Eddie asked. “How much did you put on your credit card bill?”
Eddie hesitated, then confessed, “Okay, you got me. I spent $100 over the minimum. There, I said it.”
Richard stormed away to call the bank once more. The same banker answered, “Can I help you?”
“It was my son, Eddie,” Richard declared. “He spent a little too much on his credit card bill. So he’s the culprit of the day. Goodbye.”
As Richard questioned Eddie, the truth emerged. “So it was you!” Richard shouted.
“Yes. Okay. I told the truth,” Eddie pleaded. “No reason to stay upset with me.”
"But why would you go over my head like this? You know how short we get at the end of the month!" spoke Richard.
"All right, fine. My credit card bill was $1700, and I wanted to get it back down to $1600!" Eddie confessed.
"How long have you been doing this. Because I've noticed every month lately we're always $150 short." Richard wanted to know.
"About....let's see, six months!" Eddie spouted off. "Okay, I'm in extreme shock over this. Give me a moment to sort things out." Richard said.
2 hours have passed. Richard Birchum paced the living room, his frustration boiling over. Eddie sat on the couch, fidgeting with the TV remote. The air hung heavy with tension.
“Eddie,” Richard began, “we need to have a serious talk. You’ve jeopardized our finances, and I won’t stand for it.”
Eddie shifted uncomfortably. “This again!"
"Yes, This again!" Richard spoke out pointing at him.
Eddie starts off, "Dad, I know I messed up. But it’s just a hundred bucks. Can’t we figure this out?”
Wendi, Richard’s wife, entered the room home from work, her expression a mix of concern and disappointment. “What’s going on here?”
Richard gestured toward Eddie. “Our son here decided to pay more than the mininum with his credit card bill. Now we’re down to our last $25 in the bank.”
Wendi’s eyes widened. “Eddie, how could you? We’ve been struggling to make ends meet.”
Eddie mumbled an apology, avoiding eye contact. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I’ll pay it back somehow.”
Richard shook his head. “It’s not just about the money, Eddie. It’s about responsibility. We’ve worked hard to provide for this family, and you need to understand the consequences of your actions.”
Wendi pulled out a chair from the dining table. “Sit down, Eddie. We’re having a financial intervention.”
Eddie sank into the chair, feeling like a scolded child. Richard paced, hands gesticulating as he spoke.
“First, we need to create a budget,” Richard said. “We’ll track every expense—groceries, bills, even that Ghost Energy Drink you love so much.”
Eddie winced. “But Dad, Ghost is life!”
Ignoring the interruption, Richard continued. “Next, we’ll cut unnecessary expenses. Next time you get your credit card bill. You will show it to me. Then after that, Eddie, you’re getting a part-time job.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “A job? But I’m a gamer! I have a reputation to maintain online.”
Wendi crossed her arms. “Your reputation won’t pay the bills, Eddie. You’ll find something—maybe mow lawns or walk dogs.”
Eddie slumped in defeat. “Fine. But can I still play Apex Legends?”
Richard sighed. “As long as it doesn’t interfere with our finances. And no more paying extra on your credit card. I still don't understand why you did it. You have such good credit for a gamer slacker."
Wendi softened. “We’ll get through this, Eddie. We’re a family, and we’ll support each other.”
Eddie nodded, realizing the gravity of his actions. “I promise I’ll be more responsible.”
Richard pulled out a notepad. “Let’s start with the budget. Wendi, grab the calculator.”
As they huddled around the table, Richard’s stern expression softened. “Remember, Eddie, this isn’t punishment. It’s a lesson. We’ll learn together.”
Jeanie walks in coming home from school. She already feels there is tension in the air. "Is everything okay?" "It will be unless you're willing to put $20 in the bank to hold us over until the first of the month." Wendi tells her daughter.
"Sure, the bank isn't too far away from here. I'll be happy to." Jeanie volunteers. Going into his piggy bank she says, "I knew that lemonade stand would pay off one day." Getting 20 dollars to put in the bank, Jeanie departs for the bank.
"You know I have savings in my gaming that I get paid for. Why does she get to put money in the bank and I don't?" protested Eddie. A knock was heard. Richard went to get it. On the other side was a sprinkler repair man.
"I got this!" Richard calls out. "The man who fixing our sprinklers is here. Let's hope and pray it won't cost so much." Wendi says. "Like you always say, our lawn looks like shit." Eddie stated. "It does! We have the worst lawn in the neighborhood." Wendi answers back.
A hour went by as Richard was spending time with the sprinkler repair man. When the meeting was over, Richard runs inside and says, "To replace our broken sprinklers is going to cost a mere $2000!
"Oh fuck! Now I'm REALLY in for it!" whined Eddie. Wendi shouted in a high pitched voice, "NO NO NO! Don't say that! You are NOT in for it! You just need to," before Wendi can anything else. Eddie mocked her voice. Feeling so annoying at his mother for shreiking in that high pitched of a voice whenever she panicked about money.
Now Wendi looked at him with an angry smirk, and a look of fury in her eye.
Wendi looks like as if she was about to hit Eddie, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! LOOK AT ALL WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS SUMMER! EYE SURGERY! MAMMOGRAMS! YOU DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL, IN FACT, YOU HATE ME! YOU LOVE YOU SILLY ASS PIXELED DRAGONS ON YOUR FUCKING GAMES BETTER THAN ME!"
Wendi runs off crying and slams the door. Eddie tries to stop her, but was already too late. Jeanie comes home from the bank.
"Don't worry, you're her favorite. She'll make up with you by talking to you about smear campaigns against Youtube Gamers you're in competition with." Jeanie assures her older brother.
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The Birchum household buzzed with newfound determination. Armed with a notepad, calculator, and steely resolve, they sat around the dining table, ready to tackle their financial woes. Wendi came out of her bedroom and was ready to face the music with Eddie and Richard.
"Sorry about that. Had a meltdown, because of Eddie." Wendi explains. "Okay sorry." Eddie says in a snarky tone. "I'm mad at him too. Now we have no money to pay for a new sprinkler system!" Richard joins in. Eddie sighs in resentment.
Richard cleared his throat. “All right, team. Let's all calm down here. We’re in this together. First order of business: the budget.”
Wendi adjusted her glasses. “We’ll start with essentials—groceries, utilities, and the dreaded Ghost Energy Drink fund.”
Eddie, still sulking, chimed in. “Can we at least keep the Ghost Drink? It’s my lifeblood.”
Jeanie walks in, "Can I help too?" "No honey this is too adult for you. Besides, you helped enough already." Wendi tells her daughter.
Richard shot him a stern look. “Eddie, we’re cutting back. No more exotic flavors. Stick to the basics.”
Wendi flipped open the notepad. “Next, let’s address the electric bill. We’ll unplug devices when not in use.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Even my gaming console?”
“Especially your gaming console,” Richard said. “And no more late-night raids. Sleep is free.”
As they scribbled numbers, Richard’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Mr. Karponzi, the scheming substitute teacher.
Mr. Karponzi: Enjoying your suspension, Birchum? I hear your woods class is thriving under my guidance.
Richard clenched his fists. “That man is insufferable.”
Wendi patted his hand. “Focus, Richard. Our financial survival depends on it.”
They moved on to discretionary spending. Eddie squirmed.
“Eddie,” Wendi said, “we’ll limit your gaming expenses. No more loot boxes or virtual pets.”
“But Mom,” Eddie protested, “my virtual dragon needs feeding!”
Richard intervened. “Eddie, dragons don’t starve. And no more impulse buys. Got it?”
Eddie sighed. “Fine. But can I still watch Kool-Aid commercials?”
“Only the classic ones,” Wendi said. "Not the one Karponzi used against me." Richard snided, Enough of that. Now, let’s discuss income.”
Richard turned to Eddie. “You’ll find a part-time job. Mowing lawns, dog-walking—anything that pays.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “What about my online reputation?”
“You can be the best lawn-mowing gamer out there,” Richard deadpanned.
Wendi added, “And I’ll take on extra shifts at my real estate.”
Richard nodded. “We’ll rebuild our savings. No more overdrafts.”
Just then, the doorbell rang. Richard answered to find a delivery person holding a package.
“Mr. Birchum?” the person said. “Special delivery.”
Richard accepted the box, puzzled. “What’s this?”
Inside was a brand-new Kool-Aid dispenser—the kind with the smiling pitcher on top.
Eddie’s face lit up. “Dad, did you order this?”
Richard checked the label. “It’s from an anonymous sender.”
Wendi read the attached note. “‘To the Birchum family, because life needs a little flavor.’”
Eddie hugged the dispenser. “This is amazing! Who could’ve—”
Richard’s eyes narrowed. “Karponzi.”
Wendi gasped. “He’s trying to taunt you.”
Richard grinned. “Well, he won’t break us. We stick to the budget, pay off debts, and—”
Eddie interrupted. “And enjoy Kool-Aid responsibly?”
“Exactly,” Richard said. “We’ll turn this financial mess into a victory.”
The Birchums settled into their new budget-conscious routine. Eddie reluctantly took on a part-time job at the local pet store, where he discovered that walking dogs was more challenging than defeating virtual dragons. Richard still on suspension agreed to work extra when he gets back. Wendi juggled extra shifts, and the Kool-Aid dispenser sat prominently on the kitchen counter, a colorful reminder of their financial resolve.
The first of the month was a day away. Richard called the bank and all their money was in for the month. He told Eddie who was relieved.
One evening, as Richard reviewed the bills, he noticed an odd charge on their credit card statement. “Wendi,” he called out, “did you buy something from ‘Karponzi’s Curiosities’ that asshole has an EBAY page called that.”
Wendi entered the room, drying her hands on a dish towel. “Karponzi’s what now?”
Richard pointed at the line item. “Look. A mysterious purchase—$50 for ‘Rare Collectible: Vintage Kool-Aid Pitcher.’”
Wendi squinted at the statement. “That’s absurd. I haven’t bought anything from a curio shop.”
Eddie wandered in, still wearing his dog-walking uniform. “What’s the commotion?”
Richard showed him the charge. “Eddie, did you secretly become a Kool-Aid memorabilia collector?”
Eddie scratched his head. “Dad, I’m more into energy drinks than vintage pitchers.”
Wendi’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute. Could it be—”
The doorbell rang. Richard opened it to find a package—a familiar Kool-Aid pitcher, this time with a note attached.
Note: “To the Birchum family, because life needs a little flavor. Enjoy your vintage Kool-Aid pitcher. —Anonymous Fan”
Richard clenched his fists. “Karponzi strikes again!”
Wendi read the note aloud. “An anonymous fan? More like an anonymous nuisance.”
Eddie examined the pitcher. “It’s the same style as our dispenser. Maybe it’s a matching set.”
Richard’s mind raced. “But who would send us these? And why?”
Just then, the phone rang. Richard answered, half-expecting Karponzi’s cackling voice.
“Mr. Birchum?” said a mysterious caller. “I have information about the Kool-Aid conspiracy.”
Richard exchanged glances with Wendi and Eddie. “Who is this?”
“Meet me at the old treehouse in Basin Woods,” the voice said. “Midnight. Come alone.”
As Richard hung up, Wendi raised an eyebrow. “A secret meeting? Sounds like a spy novel.”
Eddie grinned. “Maybe it’s the Kool-Aid Mafia.”
Richard sighed. “We’ll find out tonight. But we’re not going alone. We’re Birchums—we stick together.”
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The old treehouse stood nestled among the gnarled branches, its wooden planks weathered by years of secrets and whispered promises. Richard, Wendi, and Eddie gathered at the base, their breaths visible in the chilly night air.
Richard adjusted his flashlight. “This feels like a scene from a mystery novel.”
Wendi shivered. “Or a Kool-Aid commercial gone wrong.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Maybe it’s just a raccoon convention up there.”
They climbed the creaky ladder, each step echoing their anticipation. The treehouse smelled of nostalgia—a mix of pine, adventure, and childhood dreams.
As they reached the top, their flashlight beams revealed an unexpected sight: a table covered in Kool-Aid paraphernalia. Vintage pitchers, colorful packets, and even a framed picture of the iconic Kool-Aid Man adorned the makeshift altar.
Richard squinted. “Who would set up a Kool-Aid shrine?”
Wendi picked up a packet. “And why here? In our woods?”
Eddie pointed to a note pinned to the wall. “Read this.”
The note read:
“Dear Birchums,
You’ve stumbled upon the Kool-Aid Enthusiasts’ Society. We gather here to celebrate the sugary elixir that fueled our childhoods. But there’s more.
Legend has it that buried beneath this treehouse lies the original recipe for Kool-Aid—the one that grants eternal happiness.
Richard raised an eyebrow. “Eternal happiness?”
Wendi chuckled. “Sounds like a marketing ploy.”
Eddie leaned in. “But what if it’s true?”
The room seemed to hum with anticipation. The Birchums exchanged glances.
Richard spoke first. “We’ve faced financial woes, Kool-Aid conspiracies, and Karponzi. Maybe this recipe holds the answers.”
Wendi traced her finger over the framed Kool-Aid Man. “What do we do?”
Eddie grinned. “We dig.”
And so, under the moon’s watchful eye, the Birchums grabbed shovels and began to unearth the secrets hidden beneath the treehouse. The soil yielded not just dirt, but memories—the taste of childhood summers, laughter, and shared adventures.
As they dug deeper, they wondered: Could Kool-Aid truly bring eternal happiness? Or was it merely a sweet diversion?
And so, with determination and a hint of whimsy, the Birchums continued their quest—because sometimes, buried treasures weren’t made of gold, but of memories and a little splash of flavor.
As the Birchums dug deeper, their shovels hit something solid—a rusted metal box. Excitement bubbled within them as they unearthed it, brushing off dirt to reveal an ornate lock.
Richard examined the box. “This isn’t just any container. It’s like a relic from a Kool-Aid temple.”
Wendi traced the intricate patterns. “And look, there’s an inscription.”
The inscription read:
“To unlock the recipe, solve the riddle:
‘In the land of flavors, where lemons dance and cherries sing, find the sum of their magic.’”
Eddie scratched his head. “What kind of riddle is that?”
Richard chuckled. “It’s like a math problem with a twist. Let’s break it down.”
They huddled around the box, their breaths visible in the moonlight.
Lemons dance and cherries sing. Clearly, lemons and cherries represent flavors. But what’s their magic?
Find the sum of their magic. Ah, a mathematical clue! We need to add something related to lemons and cherries.
Wendi thought aloud. “Lemons are sour, and cherries are sweet. Maybe it’s about balancing flavors?”
Eddie grinned. “Like mixing lemonade and cherry juice?”
Richard nodded. “Exactly. Lemons + Cherries = Lemonade + Cherry Juice.”
They did the math:
Lemons+Cherries=Lemonade+Cherry Juice
But what did that sum represent? They pondered.
Wendi whispered, “Maybe it’s not about the liquids, but the letters.”
Eddie rearranged the letters. “L + C = A + J.”
Richard raised an eyebrow. “Lemonade and cherry juice both start with ‘A’ and ‘J’ respectively.”
Eddie grinned wider. “So, the magic lies in the initials!”
They turned the lock, entering “A” and “J.” The box clicked open, revealing a parchment—the legendary Kool-Aid recipe.
Richard read aloud:
“To make Kool-Aid eternal:
1. Mix sunshine with childhood laughter. 2. Stir in memories of summer days. 3. Add a splash of imagination. 4. Sweeten with friendship. 5. Serve chilled, with a smile.”
Wendi wiped away tears. “It’s beautiful.”
Eddie held the recipe close. “And simple.”
And so, in that moonlit treehouse, the Birchums discovered that the true recipe for happiness wasn’t about ingredients—it was about moments shared, flavors savored, and love stirred into every sip.
As they descended, Kool-Aid pitcher in hand, they knew they’d found something far greater than a beverage. They’d found joy.
Or did they?!?!
Back in their house. As the Birchums reveled in their discovery, little did they know that across town, Karponzi was plotting his next scheme. He'd heard rumors of the legendary Kool-Aid recipe hidden within the depths of the Birchum's property, and he was determined to get his hands on it. With a devious grin, he set off under the cover of night, creeping through the shadows towards the Birchum's treehouse.
Meanwhile, the Birchums were celebrating their newfound treasure, pouring themselves glasses of the refreshing elixir they had just concocted. Their laughter echoed through the night as they toasted to friendship and happiness.
But their merriment was short-lived as they heard a rustling outside the treehouse. Richard's instincts kicked in, and he peered out the window, spotting the silhouette of none other than Karponzi skulking about.
Anger flashed in Richard's eyes as he realized Karponzi's intentions. Without hesitation, he rallied his family, and together they confronted the scheming neighbor.
Karponzi tried to feign innocence, but the Birchums were not fooled. "I didnt do all this KoolAid crap! Honest!". pleaded Karponzi. They stood tall, united against his underhanded tactics. Karponzi sees the Birchums aren't buying it. So he decides to fess up.
"Fine! You guys are right! It was me who conducted this Kool-Aid scheme the whole time! To lead you on that you found something good! But I was really just trying to gaslight you all! For revenge for showing that early 60s Kool-Aid commercial "
With a swift move, Richard snatched the recipe from Karponzi's grasp, his eyes flashing with determination.
"You'll never get your hands on this, Karponzi," Richard declared, his voice dripping with defiance.
Karponzi's face twisted into a snarl as he realized his plan had been foiled once again by the Birchums. Defeated, he slunk away into the darkness, vowing revenge but knowing deep down that he had met his match in the indomitable Birchum family.
Shaking his fist in the air, admitting his defeat. But vowing to return. Karponzi yells.
"You may have gotten the better of me this time Richard! Before you know it! Bang! One day you'll be good for good. J.E.D.I. will return and annihilate you! FOREVER!"
Running off into the night, Karponzi decides to confess something else, " Another thing! I encouraged Eddie to make a bigger payment on his credit card too! I sent subliminal messages on his games!"
Eddie falls to the ground, "Now he tells me!".
Getting a phone call from Principal Bortles, Richard's suspension was finally over, and was to report back to work on the following Monday.
With Karponzi vanquished and the Kool-Aid recipe safe in their possession, the Birchums shared a triumphant smile, knowing that they had not only discovered the secret to everlasting happiness but had also thwarted the nefarious schemes of their troublesome neighbor once and for all. And as they clinked their glasses in celebration, the moonlight danced upon their faces, illuminating the joy that radiated from within.
In the meantime, Eddie made a vow to never overspend on a credit card payment again. Or give into subliminal messages on his games. He decided to keep his job at the local pet store but only work Mondays, Wednesday's and Friday's.
Epilogue:
When Wendi went to get her mammogram, it proved to be all normal. The day after, She got her eye exam and got the news that her eyes didn't need surgery after all. The new sprinkler system proved to be a success and onky costed $1500.
The Birchum family's financial troubles are over. Eddie apologizes to Wendi.
"Hey, Mom. I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday."
"I don't even remember what you did or said." Wendi told her son.
"I mocked your voice. That was wrong, and I'll never again go over my minimum on my credit card." Eddie said.
"Just be sure next time Richard sees it first." Wendi told Eddie. "It's a deal."
Richard walks into the room and has all his work stuff with him. "I'm going back to work! My students will be happy to see me! I can put them in the donkey corner again!"
"Have a nice day!" Wendi says. "Bye Dad!" said Eddie. Everything was back to normal for the Birchum family. All thanks to a vintage Kool-Aid pitcher.
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