Categories > Movies > Onmyoji
The Nostalgia Critic's Review of this movie inspired me to write this! Based on the Young Ones Jester Balowski's Medieval Torture Hour sketch. A very awesome show worth checking out!
The two headed dragon whose names are Devon and Cornwall was putting on a musical act. First it was Elvis.
"You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog!" sang Devon.
The second act was, Jerry Lee Lewis.
"You Shake My Nerves And You Rattle My Brain!" sang Cornwall.
The third act was Little Richard.
"Tootie Fruity! All-A-Rooty!" sang Devon.
Their last act was the Bee Gees.
"HA HA HA HA! Stayin' Alive! HA HA HA HA! Stayin' Alive!" sang Cornwall.
"Hey how do we know these song if it's 1000 years before the invention of Rock And Roll?"
asked Cornwall.
"Hey, careful what you say! You want the Spanish Inquisition on our asses?" Devon warns.
"Just want to know!" Cornwell says. "We're a cartoon, so it doesn't matter! Now stop being a dumb shit and let's get on with the show!" Devon demanded.
"Uhhh, sorry, people you had to hear that." laughs Cornwall awkwardly.
"OKay, now for our show!" said Devon to the audience. "I thought we were going to do the Planters next! I know they haven't been born yet...." Cornwall cries. "We had our turn on the stage! Now it's their time!" Devon points to the stage.
"Fine! Kayley, take it away!" Cornwall calls out.
Calling out to an audience. Kayley tells everyone, "Hello everyone! And welcome to Knight Garrett's Mediveal Torture Hour! The audience cheers as Garrett takes his place on the stage.
"Hello! Hello! Thank you! Thank You! You're all a lovely audience! This is our first episode of Knight Garrett's Mediveal Torture! Our first torture victim is....." Garrett announces then Kayley said, "Our first contestant tonight is Lord Ruber!"
Coming onto the stage from the audience, Lord Ruber makes his way. Garrett says, "Come on down! You are our first victim! Make that asshole victims!" Lord Ruber then finds himself being grabbed by Garrett.
"Bursting for Mediveal Torture! Yes? How are you?" asked Garrett. "Fine I guess." says Lord Ruber. "Are you nervous, Lord Ruber" asks Garrett. "A little I guess." answers Lord Ruber. "So you're married and have one daughter. What is your wife's name?" asked Garrett. "Gwyneth." spat out Lord Ruber. "But unfortantely she can't be with us tonight, can she?" Garrett spoke. "No. " Lord Ruber replies.
"Because she's not very lovely at the moment, is she?" Garrett continues. Lord Ruber shakes his head in embarrassment. Garrett goes on, "No, because she's got the plague at the moment isn't it! Her face is like an enormous bag of puss! Isn't it!"
Lord Ruber agrees, "Yeah that is true. There's actually a really funny story behind that! She wanted to come along tonight but her arms fell off!"
The audience laughs. Garrett says to the crowd, "Hope you're paying attention because we'll be right back after this break!"
Garrett grabs Lord Ruber by the arm and breaks it over his knee.
"Now would you like to be tortured?" Garrett asks in a sadistic sense.
In unbelievable pain Lord Ruber responds, "Yeah! Yeah!"
"Want some live scampi in your britches?" Garrett offered to Lord Ruber.
"That'd be nice." Lord Ruber said.
The audience chants, "Scampi In Britches! Scampi in Britches!"
"Or would you like to have your eyes sucked out by a goat and replaced with some hot toffee apples?"
The audience chants again, "Hot Toffee Apples! Hot Toffee Apples!" Garrett instructs the audience into silence.
"Quiet, please!" Garrett asks then the audience cheers some more. Rolling his eyes at the defiance of the audiance. "Well, it's completely bloody irrelevant anyway. Tell us, Lord Ruber, exactly what was your crime?" Garrett wanted to know.
Lord Ruber confesses, "Trying to take over Camelot. I also killed some girls father. Her name escapes me. Was her name uhhhh, Juliana! No wait! Kayley! hmm, I dunno."
The audience boos. Kayley and Juliana looked at each other in shock. "It was HIM?" they both imply to each other.
"You fucking rat ass bastard! We've got for you, later on, Pro-Celebrity Torture, in which today Bladebeak, pain-giver for the court of the now deceased Sir Lionel the Optical Illusion!"
A rooster is shown with Kayley and Juliana by his side holding a sign that reads "Bladebeak" over his head.
Garrett then goes on, "Will be torturing a team comprised of your own pet Griffin and a Falcon! And King Arthur himself." standing next to each other was King Arthur in the middle of the Griffin and The Falcon both holding a sign that says, "Grifalcon."
Out of nowhere, an an arrow hits the stage. The audience screams and runs away. A bunch of medieval peasants chase the audience members away. The Griffin, King Arthur, The Falcon, and Juliana all ran away along with the audience. The only ones who are left are Kayley, Garrett, Lord Ruber, and Bladebeak.
"Oh, no! The whole show has been surrounded and chased away by angry medieval peasants!" Kayley screams. Bladebeak exclaims, "They think we're witches, and they're going to burn us! Garrett shouts, "We're completely trapped. The outlook is bleak!" "They'll come for us next!" Kayley said fearfully.
"What're we going to do now!?" asked Lord Ruber. Kayley delivers an awkward silence. "Oh, who cares." Garrett aceeds with Kayley, "Yeah."
Bladebeak aquires, "Anyone up for a game of cards?"
Lord Ruber gives in, "Uhhh, okay."
Garrett, Kayley, Bladebeak, and Lord Ruber all sit down and play an honest game of poker.
The two headed dragon whose names are Devon and Cornwall was putting on a musical act. First it was Elvis.
"You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog!" sang Devon.
The second act was, Jerry Lee Lewis.
"You Shake My Nerves And You Rattle My Brain!" sang Cornwall.
The third act was Little Richard.
"Tootie Fruity! All-A-Rooty!" sang Devon.
Their last act was the Bee Gees.
"HA HA HA HA! Stayin' Alive! HA HA HA HA! Stayin' Alive!" sang Cornwall.
"Hey how do we know these song if it's 1000 years before the invention of Rock And Roll?"
asked Cornwall.
"Hey, careful what you say! You want the Spanish Inquisition on our asses?" Devon warns.
"Just want to know!" Cornwell says. "We're a cartoon, so it doesn't matter! Now stop being a dumb shit and let's get on with the show!" Devon demanded.
"Uhhh, sorry, people you had to hear that." laughs Cornwall awkwardly.
"OKay, now for our show!" said Devon to the audience. "I thought we were going to do the Planters next! I know they haven't been born yet...." Cornwall cries. "We had our turn on the stage! Now it's their time!" Devon points to the stage.
"Fine! Kayley, take it away!" Cornwall calls out.
Calling out to an audience. Kayley tells everyone, "Hello everyone! And welcome to Knight Garrett's Mediveal Torture Hour! The audience cheers as Garrett takes his place on the stage.
"Hello! Hello! Thank you! Thank You! You're all a lovely audience! This is our first episode of Knight Garrett's Mediveal Torture! Our first torture victim is....." Garrett announces then Kayley said, "Our first contestant tonight is Lord Ruber!"
Coming onto the stage from the audience, Lord Ruber makes his way. Garrett says, "Come on down! You are our first victim! Make that asshole victims!" Lord Ruber then finds himself being grabbed by Garrett.
"Bursting for Mediveal Torture! Yes? How are you?" asked Garrett. "Fine I guess." says Lord Ruber. "Are you nervous, Lord Ruber" asks Garrett. "A little I guess." answers Lord Ruber. "So you're married and have one daughter. What is your wife's name?" asked Garrett. "Gwyneth." spat out Lord Ruber. "But unfortantely she can't be with us tonight, can she?" Garrett spoke. "No. " Lord Ruber replies.
"Because she's not very lovely at the moment, is she?" Garrett continues. Lord Ruber shakes his head in embarrassment. Garrett goes on, "No, because she's got the plague at the moment isn't it! Her face is like an enormous bag of puss! Isn't it!"
Lord Ruber agrees, "Yeah that is true. There's actually a really funny story behind that! She wanted to come along tonight but her arms fell off!"
The audience laughs. Garrett says to the crowd, "Hope you're paying attention because we'll be right back after this break!"
Garrett grabs Lord Ruber by the arm and breaks it over his knee.
"Now would you like to be tortured?" Garrett asks in a sadistic sense.
In unbelievable pain Lord Ruber responds, "Yeah! Yeah!"
"Want some live scampi in your britches?" Garrett offered to Lord Ruber.
"That'd be nice." Lord Ruber said.
The audience chants, "Scampi In Britches! Scampi in Britches!"
"Or would you like to have your eyes sucked out by a goat and replaced with some hot toffee apples?"
The audience chants again, "Hot Toffee Apples! Hot Toffee Apples!" Garrett instructs the audience into silence.
"Quiet, please!" Garrett asks then the audience cheers some more. Rolling his eyes at the defiance of the audiance. "Well, it's completely bloody irrelevant anyway. Tell us, Lord Ruber, exactly what was your crime?" Garrett wanted to know.
Lord Ruber confesses, "Trying to take over Camelot. I also killed some girls father. Her name escapes me. Was her name uhhhh, Juliana! No wait! Kayley! hmm, I dunno."
The audience boos. Kayley and Juliana looked at each other in shock. "It was HIM?" they both imply to each other.
"You fucking rat ass bastard! We've got for you, later on, Pro-Celebrity Torture, in which today Bladebeak, pain-giver for the court of the now deceased Sir Lionel the Optical Illusion!"
A rooster is shown with Kayley and Juliana by his side holding a sign that reads "Bladebeak" over his head.
Garrett then goes on, "Will be torturing a team comprised of your own pet Griffin and a Falcon! And King Arthur himself." standing next to each other was King Arthur in the middle of the Griffin and The Falcon both holding a sign that says, "Grifalcon."
Out of nowhere, an an arrow hits the stage. The audience screams and runs away. A bunch of medieval peasants chase the audience members away. The Griffin, King Arthur, The Falcon, and Juliana all ran away along with the audience. The only ones who are left are Kayley, Garrett, Lord Ruber, and Bladebeak.
"Oh, no! The whole show has been surrounded and chased away by angry medieval peasants!" Kayley screams. Bladebeak exclaims, "They think we're witches, and they're going to burn us! Garrett shouts, "We're completely trapped. The outlook is bleak!" "They'll come for us next!" Kayley said fearfully.
"What're we going to do now!?" asked Lord Ruber. Kayley delivers an awkward silence. "Oh, who cares." Garrett aceeds with Kayley, "Yeah."
Bladebeak aquires, "Anyone up for a game of cards?"
Lord Ruber gives in, "Uhhh, okay."
Garrett, Kayley, Bladebeak, and Lord Ruber all sit down and play an honest game of poker.
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