Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Swiss Miss Army Knife
0 reviewsRandall uses some money he won to build a mousetrap business in Switzerland. Fitz and Brett get zapped into Zom 100!
0Unrated
It's only fair to warn you all. Before you read this. Just want you all to know. I am about to go down HARD on this season finale fanfic!
Paradise PD and Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead
Fanfic Title:
Swiss Miss Army Knife
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Randall Crawford is shown as a contestent on The Price Is Right. He is at the final game of the show, The Showcase Showdown. He is up against an eldery man named Dwayne who was wearing South Dakota suspenders. Drew Carey was the host. Randall is about to win a trip to Switzerland.
Drew Carey: Actual Retail Price...Bern Switzerland with you and three guests...$25,000! Randall Crawford! You are the winner of The Price Is Right!
Randall: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! (jumps up and down)
Dwayne: No! No! It can't be! He cheated! I demand a recount!
Drew Carey: We hope you enjoyed our show today and...
Randall (screaming): FUCK YOU DWAYNE! FUCK YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SOUTH DAKOTA SUSPENDERS, STICK THEM UP YOUR ASS, THEN GO DIE IN A ALLEY!
Dwayne was stunned and speechless when Randall screamed in his face. The Price Is Right is playing on TV until Bullet turned it off. Bullet was at the front desk at Paradise PD headquarters. Before him are some 'replacement' policemen. Robbie, Delbert, Camaro Bob, Hobo Cop, and Stanley.
Bullet: And that's why Randall Crawford isn't going to be with us for a while. Not only him, but Kevin, Gina, and Dusty went with him to Switzerland! Until then, I'm in charge!
Robbie: For once we get to be the cops, instead of them always beating the fucking shit out of us!
Delbert: Looks like we're going to have some big shoes to fill, Robbie!
Camaro Bob: When I arrest a hooker, I'll say, "You Have The Right To Remain Sexy, Baby!"
Hobo Cop: Uhhh, something is wrong with Stanley here!
Stanley is snoring in a deep sleep.
Bullet: Just ignore him, he's always like that. Now our first mission...
In Bern Switzerland. Randall and Kevin are riding in a horse and carriage. Dusty and Gina were in the back.
Kevin: Wow Dad! So this is what it's like to be in another country that's not America!
Randall: Got that right! Smell that fresh mountain air!
Yodeling is heard thoughout.
Gina: Which hotel are we staying at?
Randall: We won't need one. Since I have $23,856 left, I am going to buy that empty building!
Pointing to the empty building, Randall shows it to Gina, Dusty, and Kevin.
Kevin: What is the deal with that, Dad?
Randall: That is the place where I will build my mousetrap business!
Kevin: A mousetrap business?
Randall: You told me once Kevin when I talked about moving to Switzerland to retire that this country is the cheese captial of the world.
Kevin: Oh yes that's right. There's sure to be some mice here.
Dusty: Don't forget chocolate!
Gina: We got everything you need for your business right in this box. (pounds the box)
Randall: Yeah, sure, Dusty! Anyway, I brought you three along so you can help me get a head start on my retirement!
Dusty: Now that we're in Switzerland, I can finally do this! (runs out of the horse carriage) RRRRIIIIIICCCCCCOOOOOLLLLLLAAAAAA!
Randall: Get the fuck back in the carriage Dusty before I go insane!
Dusty: All right then. (rolls his eyes) Sheesh!
Scene 2:
Parking the carriage, Randall has Kevin, Gina, and Dusty follow him into the empty building. In the front door stood a man in a suit.
Randall: Yes! This man looks like a banker!
Kevin: How can you tell Dad?
Randall: I know a banker when I see one. Have you ever seen The Big Short?
Kevin: Wasn't that movie about mortgages, Dad?
Randall: Mortgages! Bankers! What fucking difference does it make!
Man in Suit: Good day, sir.
Randall: A very great day to you. (shakes the man's hand)
Man in Suit: What is your business here?
Randall: I want to buy that building you're standing next to.
Man In Suit: Yes! Right.
Randall: Do you take cash.
Man in Suit: Sir, I take anything.
Randall plays the man his winnings from the Price is Right. The Man walks away.
Man in Suit: I shall depart now. (runs out of sight without anyone noticing)
Scene 3:
Randall, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin all look around the vacant building that looks like an old farmhouse.
Dusty: Wow, this place looks like the barnhouse in The 39 Steps.
Randall: Okay, here's the plan. Kevin, you work the empty desk. Gina, you set up the shop by unpacking these boxes!
Kevin: We'll do Dad! (giving the OKAY signal)
Gina: We're not actually going to live here from now on, are we?
Randall: No! We'll hire some suckers who will work here. Then when more money comes into my business! BAM! Retirement Investment here I come!
Kevin: When are you going to retire Dad?
Randall: Probably ten years from now. Just think of the money I'll get from this place until then.
Dusty: That'll be 2034! Who knows if any of us will still be alive by then? Holy shit! What if there's another pandemic when that year rolls along?
Everyone ignore's Dusty talking out loud.
Randall: First order of business. Kevin! You go try to find a place where there's some mice around.
Kevin: Pretty hard to do...
Gina: How the fuck are we supposed to do that! This is bullshit!
Randall hands Kevin, Dusty, and Gina a small box. Inside there was a mouse.
Dusty: Oh look! What a cute little mousey! He almost looks like Zobo from Farzar without the bunny ears.
Randall: This is the thing that'll get this business started.
Kevin: Where are we going to put this mouse?
Dusty: (sees a cheese shop across the street.) Hey, fellas look!
Gina: Good timing and luck. Perfect!
Randall: You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Walking over to the cheese shop. Randall introduces himself to the manager. Dusty, Gina, and Kevin follow him.
Randall: Hello, Luigi!
Manager: My name is not Luigi...
Randall: It just sounded like a cool thing to say!
Manager: May I help you? Aren't you those people who bought that empty building from across the street.
Randall: Why yes we are.
Kevin sets the mouse in the cheese shop. Dusty and Gina give Kevin a thumbs up.
Manager: What do you want?
Randall: Since you work at a cheese shop. I recently opened a Mouse Trap Business.
Manager: Uhh, sir I don't think people use mouse traps to catch mice anymore.
Randall: Here me out! Simple proposition! If ever you have a mouse, you can...
When Randall was about to talk more, the Manager sees the mouse.
Manager: Ahhh! Mouse! Where the hell did that come from!
Dusty: You better listen to this man. If you don't want to have a problem like this in the future!
Kevin: That's where we come in!
Gina: You'll be glad we're across the street from you!
Randall: OKay, people! Spread out! Kevin! You and I stay here to try to get the mouse. Dusty! Gina! Go get some traps at our store.
Dusty and Gina headed over to the soon to be mousetrap store. The mouse was running around as Randall and Kevin tried to catch it.
Manager: You better get that mouse the fuck out of here! It'll contaminate my cheese shop!
Kevin: We're doing everything we can!
The mouse was too fast for both Randall and Kevin. There were some holes on the floor that the mouse ran over and anytime Kevin tried to catch the mouse, fire emitted from another hole burning Randall in the buttocks.
Randall: AAAAAAAAHHHH! What is this!? Mousehunt all of the sudden!
Dusty and Gina came back with the mousetraps.
Gina: Let's get that furry little...
The mouse ran over the black hole again, Kevin fell to the floor trying to catch the mouse, and more fire emitted burning Randall in the buttocks once more.
Gina: He's going to feel that burn Tommorow!
Dusty: Maybe we ought to open a Preparation H Store.
The Manager has finally had enough. The mouse ran out of the window and got away from the Cheese Store. The Manager picks up the phone and makes a call.
Randall (pleading): Hey! Don't get us in trouble! We were only trying to help!
Manager: You all won't go to jail, but you're in trouble in all right! GET OUT! (points to the door)
Gina: Uhhh, we better go.
When Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were going back to the empty building Randall bought. There was a sign on it that reads EVICTION NOTICE!
Kevin: Oh no! Now what'll we do?
Gina: We can check into a hotel I guess.
Dusty: Just one thing, Randall spent all his earnings on that building.
Randall: (beings to laugh) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!
Gina: You do know this is all your fucking fault, you spending all that money...
Kevin: Dad? Why are you laughing? This is serious!
Randall: Why shouldn't I laugh? I, Randall Crawford! A man without a home! A man without a country! A man without a retirement plan!
Gina: We're penniless in Switzerland. By the way, you were a very dumb ass twat waffle for spending on that money on a building.
Dusty sees a hotel across the street with the sign HELP WANTED on the front. The hotel was called Old Shoe In.
Kevin: Oh, Dusty. We can't afford to stay at a hotel.
Dusty: Maybe we can. We can get jobs there and work our way back to Paradise.
Randall: All right fine! We'll do. We're the Paradise PD! We've been through worse situations than this. If we can get jobs at a hotel to make money to go home, we can.
Kevin: That's the spirit Dad!
Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all walk to the hotel in hopes to get work.
Dusty: For once, we're smarter than Randall!
Randall: Fuck you, Dusty! But I'll let this one slide.
Scene 4:
In the basement on the Lovely Corp building. A party was being thrown for Fitz. Balloons and cake were all over the room. It was his 47th birthday! Brett, Frank, Pedro, Puffy, Zeta, and Marco were all singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" to him. When the song was over. Fitz developed tears in his eyes.
Fitz: Thank you so much everyone! I have everything I need right now. (sniffles)
Zeta: Happy Birthday, Daddy Fitz! You've been the best adoptive dad ever to me!
Fitz: My dear sweet Zeta, you are too kind.
Brett DeMarco: I'm glad you didn't want presents this year.
Fitz: I'm glad you all respected my no presents policy. But I really loved the birthday cards you all gave me.
Frank Flipperfist: It was nothing, really.
Pedro Pooptooth: You might want to blow out the candles, puto!
Fitz blew out the candles and everyone clapped.
Brett DeMarco: Wow, our boss is 47 years old! Where did all the time go!
Fitz: At least on this show, we all age!
Frank Flipperfist: Unlike that stupid Simpsons finale, anyone seen that?
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria that was trash.
Zeta (sees Puffy enter): Hey, look guys. Puffy is coming.
Puffy The Cigarette: Happy Birthday sir!
Fitz: Puffy. Good to see you. Did you get my a birthday card?
Puffy The Cigarette: I got you two things I think you'll really like.
Handing Fitz two boxes, Puffy gives him a present and a gift cerificate.
Fitz: A gift certificate to Goopy Goopers? I never liked that piece of shit restaurant!
Puffy the Cigarette: Eeeek! Sorry!
Brett DeMarco: Why didn't you get him Red Lobster or something?
Pedro Pooptooth: Anyone seen Russian Mobster around?
Fitz (opens the box): Well, Puffy. Maybe a card is in this box and...
Brett, Zeta, Frank, Pedro, Marcos, and Puffy were all astounded by the contents on the box.
Fitz: This better not be a present, Puffy!
Frank Flipperfist: Looks like it is.
Fitz: SHIT! Puffy! What did I say about presents?
Zeta: Did you miss the memo or something?
Puffy The Cigarette: Trust me! Like I said before! It's something you'll really like. You know to use it for evil. It's Upsidaisym!
Fitz opens his present from Puffy and sees a green glowing brick.
Brett DeMarco: What the FUCK! What do you think this is? Some kind of Rocky and Bullwinkle bullshit?
Frank Flipperfist: I know what he means, it's plutonium.
Fitz: You know what, Puffy. I'll let this fuck up of yours go for now.
Puffy The Cigarette: Thanks Fitzy you're a pal!
Marco Narcos: What are you going to do with the plutonium, Fitz?
Fitz (carries the box into another room): I'll keep it in a safe place for now and...
A yell that came from Fitz was heard. He tripped over the doorway to the computer room.
Zeta: Oh no! Daddy Fitz!
Brett DeMarco: Are you okay?
Frank Flipperfist: Fuck! The plutonium!
After his fall, Fitz was fine. But the plutonium from the box flew onto a computer mouse. The computer had wcostream on and it was playing Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead.
Fitz: I'm okay. Just tripped but...what happened to the plutonium?
Brett DeMarco (spots the plutonium): I think it's stuck to that computer mouse.
Puffy The Cigarette: That's the computer I use to watch my favorite anime.
Fitz, Brett and Zeta go into the computer room.
Brett DeMarco: Stay here everyone. We're going to try to put it back in the box.
Russian Mobster (walks in): Did I miss something?
Frank, Pedro, Puffy, and Marcos all stared at Russian Mobster.
Russian Mobster: I'm back with the birthday cards! I got Fitz, 1...2...3...4...5! 5 birthday cards! HA HA HA HA!
Pedro and Frank look at Russian Mobster with contempt.
Russian Mobster: I got bored with the alphabet! I'm back to counting!
Frank Flipperfist: We don't have time for that! For your information, Fitz got sucked into a computer with plutonium.
Marcos Narcos: This birthday has become a rescue mission.
Pedro Pooptooth: Help us get them out, NOW!
It was already too late. The effects of the plutonium created a portal from inside the computer that sucked in Fitz, Brett, and Zeta.
Fitz: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, PUFFY!
Zeta: Daddy Fitz! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US!
Brett DeMarco: We're getting sucked inside the computer. Like some Night Gallery episode!
Scene 5:
At the Old Show Inn. An innkeeper answers the door when Randall knocked on it.
Randall: We're here to look for jobs!
Innkeeper: Good Good. Splendid. All you need to do is fill out these forms. We need your names, addresses, phone numbers, and your social security numbers.
Randall, Dusty, Kevin, and Gina all filled out the forms.
Dusty: Damn, these are more annoying them HMOs at doctor's offices.
Gina: I know right. They want to know your Great Grandmother's maiden name.
Randall: Ha! This is easy! Especially after all the crime reports I've filled out over the years.
Kevin: Just gotta get mine done and...
After filling out the forms to get jobs. Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all hand them to the innkeeper. Who looks over the forms. There were other workers at the hotel as well who take a look at Randall, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin.
Kevin: Hey, everyone! We're going to be working here. We hope.
Dusty: Maybe it won't be so bad. Think of it like that movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
Gina (to the innkeeper): So, do we get the jobs or not?
Innkeeper (looks over the forms): It says right here you're all from...AMERICA! PARADISE GEORGIA?
All the hotel employees froze in shock.
Man Employee: America?
Woman Employee: Paradise! Georgia!
Man Employee #2: They're from the South?!
Woman Employee: That's the crime captial of America!
Innkeeper: I'm afraid so people! Get back to work! I'll deal with them!
Then some of the people staying in the hotel came out of their rooms.
Man #1: Paradise Georgia! Typical American Scumbags! (screams and points to Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty) Scumbags!
Man #2: I've been to Paradise Georgia! Too much crime, traffic, not to mention...violence!
Fat Woman (in an Italian accent): My-a daughter went-a to Paradise-a Georgia! And she came back pregnant!
The fat Italian woman shows a conjoined twin baby who resembled Robbie and Delbert.
Randall: Are we in a Clark Gable movie?
Kevin: Preferably one with Sophia Loren.
Innkeeper: All of you are going to work the most degrading job ever!
Dusty: Dare we ask? What is it?
Innkeeper: You are all on dishwashing duty!
Gina: Okay. We'll take it. When do we start?
Innkeeper: Today! Now! But be careful. I'll be keeping my eye on you all so you don't FUCK UP!
Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all accepted their fate as they walk into the kitchen to wash dishes.
Innkeeper: Also, you guys all pluck feathers off of dead chickens! Just saying.
Scene 6:
Bungle In The Jungle Plays Thoughout as Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were working in the kitchen of the hotel they were staying at. Under the watchful eye of the Innkeeper who kept yelling anytime something went wrong. Kevin kept messing up orders. Dusty didn't put the cups and dishes in the right places. Randall and Gina fared well doing their job. Three days have passed and they have done nothing but work.
Innkeeper: All right. Aside from a few mess ups I say you guys are doing well.
Dusty: When do we get paid!
Randall (elbows Dusty): Dusty! Don't ask stupid shit like that! You need to maintain your dignity and don't seem so fucking desparate!
Innkeeper: Moving on now, the four of you will pluck feathers off of dead chickens for tommorow's dinner.
Kevin: I beg your pardon, boss?
Innkeeper: You heard. (walking away)
Outside of the hotel, there were a pile of dead chickens. Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all got some dead chickens and tore off the feathers.
Gina: You know. Dusty has a point!
Randall: What are you getting at, Gina?
Gina: We've been here what? Three days?
Kevin: Yeah, we noticed.
Gina: The only reason we took this job is to pay our way back home.
Dusty (singing): We're Working Our Way Back To Paradise!
Randall: You're right Gina. Of course. We didn't even make enough to go back home.
Dusty: I know right?
Kevin: We haven't even worked long enough to make three cents.
Dusty: Or even to by a can of Benjamin Moore paint.
Gina: Come on, let's go back to plucking these chickens.
A Saint Bernard dog comes with a barrell from alcohol attached. Which attracts Kevin's attention.
Kevin: A puppy! Take a look, Dad!
Randall: Yes, I see it.
Kevin keeps staring at the dog. Especially at the barrell around it's collar.
Randall: What's on your mind?
Kevin: Yeah, Dad?
Randall: What's on your mind?
Kevin: That dog over there. Why does it have a barrell around it's neck?
Dusty: For a minute there I thought it was a shock collar.
Randall: That's for people who are out in the snow to keep them warm inside.
Kevin: What do you think is inside that barrell?
Randall: Why, it's alcohol of course! Don't you know anything about any other countries besides America?
Kevin: Sorta I guess.
Gina: Should've paid more attention in school!
Randall: Keep your eyes off that dog and let's move on with plucking these chickens.
Dusty swallows a chicken whole.
Randall: Goddamn it Dusty! That wasn't for you! That was for the guests!
Dusty: Hey! I do this to birds too! So, Don't judge me! (swallows)
Innkeeper: Good job, there. Typical American Assholes! Now come inside for more kitchen duties!
Dusty: Are we ever going to cook?
Kevin stays behind with the eye still on the Saint Bernard while Randall, Gina, and Dusty follow the innkeeper.
Dusty: Wonder how Bullet is doing back home?
Randall: Hard to say for now...
Gina (spots Kevin): Hey, you! We need you too!
Kevin: I'll be there in a minute! I just have to take a pee!
Seeing a bucket full of chicken feathers Kevin throws them in the air to attract attention to the Saint Bernard.
Kevin (falls on the ground): HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! I'm freezing to death! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Somebody come save me! I...Can't...Go...On...Much...
The Saint Bernard runs up to Kevin. Taking the barrell off the dog's collar, Kevin proceeds to drink the contents inside.
Kevin: Wow! This really packs a punch! This really is alcohol! Dad wasn't lying about that! I'll drink some more.
Drinking some more from the barrell, Kevin finishes the alcohol inside then starts to feel really buzzed and walks around in a zigzag.
Kevin: Good thing I'm not taking a breathilizer test! (hick)
Scene 7:
Once the plutonium takes it's effect. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta found themselves in the middle of Tokyo Japan.
Fitz: Tokyo? What the fuck are we doing in Tokyo?
Brett DeMarco: This reminds me of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2.
Zeta: This is where video games are made.
Fitz: Let's try to find a place to stay.
Leading the way, Fitz leads Brett and Zeta into an empty apartment. Witnessing their surroundings, Fitz sees everything here in Tokyo is all anime-esque. Including the way Fitz, Brett, and Zeta were drawn.
Fitz: I just realized something. We're drawn differently.
Zeta: What could it be? Even we changed a little.
Fitz: We're characters in an anime!
Brett DeMarco (scoffs): How humiliating!
Fitz: We may as well be in an anime version of the movie Cool World.
Just then, a fat bald zombie covered in blue and red paint breaks into the apartment. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all laugh at his appearence. Then the Fat Zombie bumped into the wall and it's head fell off. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all cracked up.
Fat Zombie (puts his head back on): Why are you laughing?
Another blue and red zombie breaks in.
Zombie #1: What seems to be the problem?
Fat Zombie: These humans are laughing at my pain!
More Zombies break in.
Fitz: What the fuck!
Zombie #2: So you guys laugh at our pain hey?
A group of zombies were walking slowly up to Fitz, Zeta, and Brett
Zombie #3: Do you realize we used to be humans who then got infected by bio weaponry!
Brett DeMarco (laughing): Who did that to you? Hallaburton?
Zeta: Uhh, these guys seem serious.
Fitz: We should stop laughing.
Zombie #4: The laughter stops here! We're teaching you a lesson!
The Fat Zombie throws an ax that lands above Fitz's head.
Fitz: An anime ax? Useless compared to real axes! You missed me! (touches his head and sees he's bleeding)
Brett and Zeta scream. As Fitz whimpers. The Fat Zombie along with the others have a cannon filled with deadly sharp tools.
Fitz: Damn! Talk about weapons of mass destruction!
Brett, Zeta, and Fitz screams, then all had their faces frozen in fear anime style. Running out of the apartment. The cannon blows up and Brett, Fitz, and Zeta were all being chased by the sharp weapons shot him the cannon. Until the three of them dodged them all.
Scene 8:
Back inside the Old Shoe Inn hotel. The Innkeeper gives more orders to Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty.
Innkeeper: Now this time around. I am going to split you both into 2 groups.
Dusty: What is this, grade school? Like that one time I was in Group 5. But that's another story.
Innkeeper: The fat guy and the woman. You guys still stay here to do some cooking and kitchen cleaning duties.
Gina (scoffs): That figures.
Innkeeper: As for you two (eyes Randall and Kevin): You both will deliver this piano to a treehouse up in the mountains!
Pointing to a treehouse in the mountains, the Innkeeper shows the father and son. There was also a rickety bridge.
Kevin (drunk): Who lives in the treehouse? (hick) This looks like a piece of cake! (hick)
Innkeeper: My Pet Monkey!
Kevin: Did you just say My Pet Monster? (hick)
Randall: What's with the hiccups Kevin?
Dusty: Yeah, you sound like ALF when he had them.
Gina: He must've gotten into that alcohol from that dog.
Innkeeper: Okay enough! Get to work and do what you are told! (claps hands)
The Innkeeper rolls in a piano for Randall and Kevin to deliver. Dusty and Gina were rushed into the kitchen.
Randall: I know why you have hiccups! You drank that alcohol from that dog's collar! Didn't you?
Kevin: Maybe I did! Maybe I didn't! (hick) Sure nice not listening to you for once! (hick)
Randall: Just try to stay focused. If you can!
Scene 9:
Back in Tokyo. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta try to call for help.
Fitz: HELP! POLICE!
A cop car comes and drives them into downtown Tokyo. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all think they're in the clear.
Fitz: Say, I know where that plutonium transported us to.
Brett DeMarco: Some anime fantasy world?
Fitz: I realize now. We're in that anime Puffy likes, Zom 100 Bucket List of The Dead.
Brett DeMarco: How do you know?
Fitz: I walk in on Puffy sometimes when he's watching it.
Zeta (reading a sign inside the police car): To Protect And Devour?
Fitz: Oh no...
Brett DeMarco: These guys aren't cops I bet...
Two Zombies drivng the police car turn to face Brett, Fitz, and Zeta. One of the zombies uses a chainsaw. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all manage to dodge the chainsaw. Back in the Lovely Corp computer room. Puffy sits down to watch Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead on wcostream.
Puffy the Cigarette: I'm so glad Fitz isn't mad at me for that plutonium. Now let's see that Akira is up to...
Much to Puffy's surprise, he sees Fitz, Brett, and Zeta in the anime.
Puffy the Cigrette: Huh? Fitz, Brett, and Zeta are in this episode?
Watching the episode. Still getting attacked in the police car by the zombies, the zombie with the chainsaw keeps missing Fitz, Brett, and Zeta. Then the zombie by accident severs the other's arms off.
Zombie #5: Oops! Sorry.
Zombie #6: Shit happens.
Zeta: Ooooh, Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett! I'm scared!
Fitz: Zeta's right to be. We're done for!
Brett DeMarco: In fantasy shows like anime, anything can happen! Leave this to me.
Fitz: This isn't how I pictured turning 47! Brett! What're you gonna do?
Brett takes out a pen from his pocket and draws an Eject Button. Pressing the button, Brett's plan worked as Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all flew out of the police car, out came springs from the below the seat. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta soon find themselves flying in the sky upwards.
Fitz: Damn, Brett! That was amazing!
Zeta: We're going up and up...
Brett DeMarco (looks down): Uhhhh, Fitz.
Fitz: Oh come on, try to relax.
Scene 10:
Kevin and Randall walked out of the hotel. Then found themselves climbing up the mountain that lead to the treehouse with Kevin stumbling along the way. In the kitchen. Gina has a plan to escape.
Gina: I don't know how much more i can take of this bullshit!
Dusty: You're telling me. We wouldn't be here because of Randall fucking up!
Gina: I got an idea. Follow my lead.
Dusty: Sure thing.
Moments later, Gina calls out to the Innkeeper and the other workers of the hotel.
Gina: HELP! HELP! My friend ran away!
Innkeeper: Where the hell did he go! He has a job to do! It's not like my employees to abandon their jobs!
Gina: I know right! He just upped and left me!
Innkeeper: Workers, spread out until we find him.
The workers and the innkeeper try to look for Dusty. Gina gives a thumbs up and Dusty jumps from the ceiling squashing the Innkeeper and the workers! Dusty left a pile of bloody mess on the floor.
Gina: Awesome work, Dusty!
Dusty: It sure felt good for me to do the ass kicking!
Gina: Now let's get out of here.
Dusty: We better before they wake up.
Gina: I don't think they'll be waking up anytime soon! (snaps fingers) Think I know a way to get Randall's money back!
Dusty and Gina ran out of the hotel. Randall and Kevin were now on the rickety bridge rolling the piano.
Randall: Mother fucker! Concentrate, Kevin!
Kevin: I'm trying. (hick)
Randall: Let's get this piano across here.
Kevin goes on the other side of the piano still drunk from the alcohol.
Randall: Take it fucking easy!
As Kevin and Randall were rolling the piano. The rollers at the bottom got stuck on the gap of the birdge.
Randall: We'll have to lift it.
Kevin and Randall lift the piano. Just then Randall steps on the roller that causes him to slip, Randall is now facing upside down about to fall from the bridge.
Randall: FUCK! FUCK! SON OF A BITCH! I'M STUCK! Come and get me! Come and get me! Please!
Kevin: I'll save you, Dad. (hick)
Still drunk from the alcohol. Kevin can still function. Kevin spits on his hands, walks in front of the piano and gets Randall out of the hole in the bridge.
Randall (gasps): I almost had a heart attack there.
Kevin: What happened Dad?
Randall: Stay here, Kevin. I'm going to see if the rest of this bridge is safe.
Running toward the treehouse. Randall sees no defects on the bridge. Walking to the treehouse. A door opens behind Randall. Out comes the monkey which was a gorilla. Walking back to Kevin. Randall reassures him.
Randall: Everything is okay. From now on it's going to be easy sailing! You go in the front now.
Then Kevin goes to where Randall was pushing the piano. The gorilla slowly and surely sneaks up behind them. Lifting the piano, Kevin stops for a minute and spots the gorilla. Walking up to Randall to warn him.
Randall: What is it NOW?!
Kevin (drunk): I see a monkey! (hick)
Randall: A what?
Kevin (drunk): A monkey? Didn't you hear me the first time? (hick)
Randall: Well that doesn't surprise me one bit! If you don't stop drinking that alcohol, next thing we'll know you'll be seeing Heidi and Spencer doing porn!
Kevin goes back to the front of the piano. The gorilla gropes Randall. Which has Randall looking around.
Randall: Everything just ain't all right!
The gorilla then spanks Randall. That is when Randall finally notices the gorilla behind them. Randall and Kevin both scream as the gorilla rocks the bridge back and forth along with the piano. Randall and Kevin hold onto each other. The rope to the bridge is on the verge of breaking.
Kevin (screaming): What'll we do now, Dad?!
Randall: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!
The rope to the bridge finally broke. Randall and Kevin held onto the wooden planks with dear life. The gorilla falls down with the piano to what seems like an endless pit. Kevin and Randall watched. Then a puff of smoke comes from the ground. Randall and Kevin climb up the now broken bridge.
Kevin: That gorilla died a Wile E Coyote style death (hick)
Randall: Now we're really stranded here in Switzerland...
Kevin gets distracted again by another Saint Bernard with a collar full of alcohol. Randall swats Kevin away.
Randall: If you didn't get so drunk we never would've...
Kevin: You were the one who spent all your earnings...
When Randall was about to lay into Kevin and vice versa. Dusty and Gina called out to them.
Dusty: Hey fellas!
Gina: We have something to tell you!
Randall and Kevin turned to see Gina and Dusty.
Kevin: Dusty and Gina! Aren't you guys supposed to be in the kitchen? (hick)
Gina: We have good news! We can go home!
Randall: How is that possible? We're stuck here like a penis glued to a wall.
Dusty: You see, Gina and I stuck away.
Gina: We went to the building you bought for the mousetrap business.
Kevin: And? (hick)
Dusty: We sold it on one of those Let Go apps!
Gina: That's right. We got $25,000 dollars for it!
Kevin: You mean, we don't have to do hotel work, anymore? (hick)
Dusty: That's exactly what we're saying!
Randall: You mean, we're free?
Gina: Yes we are! Let's get the fuck out of this twat waffle country!
Dusty: We gotta admit. We were mad at you for wasting all that money on that building.
Gina: Then we decided to help because you're our friend!
Kevin: Thanks so much you guys!
Randall: You know what this means! Not only can we go home! I'm completely off the hook about this!
Dusty: What're we waiting for! Let's catch the next flight outta Switzerland! But first. I want to try some of that chocolate!
Randall, Gina, and Kevin all groan. However, the four of them were happy that their time in Switzerland working at the Old Shoe Inn has now come to an end.
Scene 11:
Brett grabs Fitz to turn his head down. The zombies were all waiting for the three of them to fall from the sky. Now the zombies had bear traps hooked up to electricity.
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta (falling from the sky): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Puffy the Cigarette (watches on computer): This is a boring episode.
Clicking on the mouse. Puffy goes on Youtube. There is a video of an episode The Beverly Hillbillies. The plutonium does it's magic again and now zaps Fitz, Brett, and Zeta into an episode.
Puffy The Cigarette: Oh boy! The Clampetts!
Jed Clampett: "I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done".
Granny: "Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again".
Jethro Bodine: "Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya".
Shifty Shafer: "I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Then Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all fall into the Beverly Hillbillies episode, landing on Jethro and Granny. The zombies soon chase after them not noticing the Clampet family as they are trampled to death by the zombies.
Puffy the Cigarette: First Fitz, and the zombies, and the others were in Zom 100, now they're in the Beverly Hillbillies! What the hell is going on?!
Clicking the mouse once again the plutonium does it's magic once more and returns Fitz, Brett, and Zeta to Zom 100. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett found themselves in the same apartment.
Fitz: Fuck! We're right back where we started! Those zombies are going to kill us for sure!
Brett DeMarco: (points to a screen): I think I see a Silver Lining In This Playbook!
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta soon notice Puffy was on the other side of the screen.
Zeta: PUFFY! PUFFY! HELP!
Puffy notices Fitz, Brett, and Zeta on the other side of the computer screen. The three of them are pounding on the glass of the screen.
Fitz: Get us out of here! Use the mouse!
Puffy: Huh?
Brett DeMarco: The mouse has the plutonium you fucking dumbass! You gave to Fitz as a gift!
Fitz: You know, that wonderful birthday surprise! If you don't do something soon, it'll be our Death Day!
The zombies had a fire hydrant full of piranhas about to aim it at Fitz, Zeta, and Brett.
Puffy the Cigarette: Hmmm, let's see. Left button, right button!
Fitz (pounding on the glass screen): Press either button! Get us the fuck outta here!
Scene 12:
Breaking into the empty apartment, was the hero of Zom 100. Akira and his best friend Kenichirou Ryuuzaki.
Akira: Excuse me...
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all turn to see Akira and Kenichirou.
Kenichirou: Are these zombies giving you a hard time?
Brett DeMarco: Well, duh! What do you think?!
Fitz: If we don't get outta here, they're gonna kill us!
Zeta: Puffy! Press the right button on the mouse!
Right when the zombies were going to spray Fitz, Brett, and Zeta with the fire hydrant full of piranhas. Puffy saves them by pressing the right button that gets Fitz, Brett, and Zeta out of Zom 100. That was Akira's and Kenichirou's cue to slay the zombies and break the pirahna fire hydrant. After the zombie's defeat, Akira and Kenichirou look at each other and see Fitz, Brett, and Zeta.
Akira: Who the hell were they?
Kenichirou: Fuck if I know.
Fitz: We're back!
Pedro, Frank, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos all walk into the computer room.
Frank Flipperfist: Fitz! You're back!
Marcos Narcos: Dios Mio! You three look like you've been though hell!
Pedro Pooptooth: Where did you go?
Frank Flipperfist: What was it like inside the computer?
Marcos Narcos: Yeah, did it make that funny song, (imitates Intel Inside jingle)?
Fitz: We got sucked inside Puffy's favorite anime.
Puffy The Cigarette: It's called Zom 100 Bucket List Of the Dead.
Fitz: I'm doing the talking here and...
Brett DeMarco (points to the computer screen): Holy fuck! Look!
Knocking on the computer screen Akira and Kenichirou were knocking.
Zeta: Oh no! Now they want to kill us just like the zombies did!
Kenichirou: No! We defeated the zombies who wanted to kill you.
Akira: We have something for you.
Fitz and Brett DeMarco walk up to the computer screen with Zeta behind them.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, we're here. Now what?
Kenichirou: Sorry that you got stuck in our anime.
Akira: Yes and we apologize for how much pain and suffering you went through.
Kenichirou: We want to give you this...
Fitz gets handed a business card. The card reads, "ZOMBIE SLAYERS FOR HIRE. APPLY WITHIN."
Akira: If you ever come back to Tokyo...
Kenichirou: We sure can use your help.
Fitz: Wow, thank you so much.
Brett DeMarco: When would you like us to come back?
Akira: Come back anytime you'd like!
Kenichirou: For now, we have some zombies to kill! Let's go!
The computer screen turns off.
Puffy The Cigarette: This doesn't make your birthday worse, does it?
Fitz: Yes, I know my birthday had some mishaps with plutoium and getting sucked into a zombie anime but...
Brett DeMarco: Yeah, what...
Frank Flipperfist: Tell us?
Pedro Pooptooth: Anything we can do to make you feel better.
Marcos Narcos: You're not scarred for life are you?
Fitz: No, I am not...
Zeta: Yes, what is it?
Fitz: How many 47 year old men can say that got sucked into Zom 100 and got chased by killer zombies and lived to tell about it?
Brett DeMarco: You actually enjoyed that? (scoffs) What a masochist!
Fitz: Say what you will about me, Brett. There's just one thing I learned about that...
Pedro Pooptooth: We're waiting.
Frank Flipperfist: You going to move to Japan?
Fitz: I had the greatest and the best 47th birthday ever!
Brett, Frank, Pedro, Marcos, Puffy, and Zeta all cheer!
Fitz (pops open a cork of champagne): I AM THE KING! (squirts the champange at the tv screen)
Scene 13 Conclusion:
Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin were back home from Switzerland. They all stand outside the police station, bewildered by the crowd of screaming teenage girls.
Gina: What the hell is going on?
Randall: These girls act like they're going to see the fucking Backstreet Boys or something!
Kevin: I don't know, but I'm getting a bad feeling.
Randall: I can tell you're not drunk anymore.
Kevin: Dusty let me have some of those chocolates. Sobered me right up!
Dusty: I'll never forgot those chocolates! I just might puke them up so I can eat them all over again! (laughs)
Gina: What's with all these screaming cunts?
Dusty: Your guess is as good as mine!
They try to push through the crowd, but are overwhelmed. RANDALL manages to slip through and burst into the station.
Randall: Bullet!
The station is now a brightly lit, colorful set. Robbie, Delbert, Camaro Bob, and Hobo Cop are all dressed in matching outfits, dancing and singing.
Robbie (Singing) We're the Paradise PD crew!
Delbert: We're here to make your dreams come true!
Randall (Shocked) Bullet! What the fuck have you done?
Gina, Kevin, and Dusty all snuck away.
Dusty: Let him handle this!
Gina: Agreed!
Kevin: You guys! Wait for me!
The German shepard steps out from behind a camera.
Bullet (Grinning): Welcome back, Randall. While you were away, I decided to turn Paradise PD into a sitcom.
Randall: A sitcom? You've ruined everything!
Camaro Bob (in a deep, gravelly voice): "Yeah, I'm diggin' this new vibe, man. It's like a party all the time!"
Hobo Cop (in a homeless-sounding accent): "I'm just happy I got a new wardrobe. These rags were starting to smell."
Bullet: Ruined? Hardly. This is the best thing that's ever happened to Paradise. Now, let's get back to filming! Besides, I made these dudes into teen idols!
Stanley: I'm a better teen idol than Paul Anka!
The camera zooms in on Randall's shocked expression as the crew continues to sing and dance.
THE END
Paradise PD and Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead
Fanfic Title:
Swiss Miss Army Knife
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Randall Crawford is shown as a contestent on The Price Is Right. He is at the final game of the show, The Showcase Showdown. He is up against an eldery man named Dwayne who was wearing South Dakota suspenders. Drew Carey was the host. Randall is about to win a trip to Switzerland.
Drew Carey: Actual Retail Price...Bern Switzerland with you and three guests...$25,000! Randall Crawford! You are the winner of The Price Is Right!
Randall: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! (jumps up and down)
Dwayne: No! No! It can't be! He cheated! I demand a recount!
Drew Carey: We hope you enjoyed our show today and...
Randall (screaming): FUCK YOU DWAYNE! FUCK YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SOUTH DAKOTA SUSPENDERS, STICK THEM UP YOUR ASS, THEN GO DIE IN A ALLEY!
Dwayne was stunned and speechless when Randall screamed in his face. The Price Is Right is playing on TV until Bullet turned it off. Bullet was at the front desk at Paradise PD headquarters. Before him are some 'replacement' policemen. Robbie, Delbert, Camaro Bob, Hobo Cop, and Stanley.
Bullet: And that's why Randall Crawford isn't going to be with us for a while. Not only him, but Kevin, Gina, and Dusty went with him to Switzerland! Until then, I'm in charge!
Robbie: For once we get to be the cops, instead of them always beating the fucking shit out of us!
Delbert: Looks like we're going to have some big shoes to fill, Robbie!
Camaro Bob: When I arrest a hooker, I'll say, "You Have The Right To Remain Sexy, Baby!"
Hobo Cop: Uhhh, something is wrong with Stanley here!
Stanley is snoring in a deep sleep.
Bullet: Just ignore him, he's always like that. Now our first mission...
In Bern Switzerland. Randall and Kevin are riding in a horse and carriage. Dusty and Gina were in the back.
Kevin: Wow Dad! So this is what it's like to be in another country that's not America!
Randall: Got that right! Smell that fresh mountain air!
Yodeling is heard thoughout.
Gina: Which hotel are we staying at?
Randall: We won't need one. Since I have $23,856 left, I am going to buy that empty building!
Pointing to the empty building, Randall shows it to Gina, Dusty, and Kevin.
Kevin: What is the deal with that, Dad?
Randall: That is the place where I will build my mousetrap business!
Kevin: A mousetrap business?
Randall: You told me once Kevin when I talked about moving to Switzerland to retire that this country is the cheese captial of the world.
Kevin: Oh yes that's right. There's sure to be some mice here.
Dusty: Don't forget chocolate!
Gina: We got everything you need for your business right in this box. (pounds the box)
Randall: Yeah, sure, Dusty! Anyway, I brought you three along so you can help me get a head start on my retirement!
Dusty: Now that we're in Switzerland, I can finally do this! (runs out of the horse carriage) RRRRIIIIIICCCCCCOOOOOLLLLLLAAAAAA!
Randall: Get the fuck back in the carriage Dusty before I go insane!
Dusty: All right then. (rolls his eyes) Sheesh!
Scene 2:
Parking the carriage, Randall has Kevin, Gina, and Dusty follow him into the empty building. In the front door stood a man in a suit.
Randall: Yes! This man looks like a banker!
Kevin: How can you tell Dad?
Randall: I know a banker when I see one. Have you ever seen The Big Short?
Kevin: Wasn't that movie about mortgages, Dad?
Randall: Mortgages! Bankers! What fucking difference does it make!
Man in Suit: Good day, sir.
Randall: A very great day to you. (shakes the man's hand)
Man in Suit: What is your business here?
Randall: I want to buy that building you're standing next to.
Man In Suit: Yes! Right.
Randall: Do you take cash.
Man in Suit: Sir, I take anything.
Randall plays the man his winnings from the Price is Right. The Man walks away.
Man in Suit: I shall depart now. (runs out of sight without anyone noticing)
Scene 3:
Randall, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin all look around the vacant building that looks like an old farmhouse.
Dusty: Wow, this place looks like the barnhouse in The 39 Steps.
Randall: Okay, here's the plan. Kevin, you work the empty desk. Gina, you set up the shop by unpacking these boxes!
Kevin: We'll do Dad! (giving the OKAY signal)
Gina: We're not actually going to live here from now on, are we?
Randall: No! We'll hire some suckers who will work here. Then when more money comes into my business! BAM! Retirement Investment here I come!
Kevin: When are you going to retire Dad?
Randall: Probably ten years from now. Just think of the money I'll get from this place until then.
Dusty: That'll be 2034! Who knows if any of us will still be alive by then? Holy shit! What if there's another pandemic when that year rolls along?
Everyone ignore's Dusty talking out loud.
Randall: First order of business. Kevin! You go try to find a place where there's some mice around.
Kevin: Pretty hard to do...
Gina: How the fuck are we supposed to do that! This is bullshit!
Randall hands Kevin, Dusty, and Gina a small box. Inside there was a mouse.
Dusty: Oh look! What a cute little mousey! He almost looks like Zobo from Farzar without the bunny ears.
Randall: This is the thing that'll get this business started.
Kevin: Where are we going to put this mouse?
Dusty: (sees a cheese shop across the street.) Hey, fellas look!
Gina: Good timing and luck. Perfect!
Randall: You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Walking over to the cheese shop. Randall introduces himself to the manager. Dusty, Gina, and Kevin follow him.
Randall: Hello, Luigi!
Manager: My name is not Luigi...
Randall: It just sounded like a cool thing to say!
Manager: May I help you? Aren't you those people who bought that empty building from across the street.
Randall: Why yes we are.
Kevin sets the mouse in the cheese shop. Dusty and Gina give Kevin a thumbs up.
Manager: What do you want?
Randall: Since you work at a cheese shop. I recently opened a Mouse Trap Business.
Manager: Uhh, sir I don't think people use mouse traps to catch mice anymore.
Randall: Here me out! Simple proposition! If ever you have a mouse, you can...
When Randall was about to talk more, the Manager sees the mouse.
Manager: Ahhh! Mouse! Where the hell did that come from!
Dusty: You better listen to this man. If you don't want to have a problem like this in the future!
Kevin: That's where we come in!
Gina: You'll be glad we're across the street from you!
Randall: OKay, people! Spread out! Kevin! You and I stay here to try to get the mouse. Dusty! Gina! Go get some traps at our store.
Dusty and Gina headed over to the soon to be mousetrap store. The mouse was running around as Randall and Kevin tried to catch it.
Manager: You better get that mouse the fuck out of here! It'll contaminate my cheese shop!
Kevin: We're doing everything we can!
The mouse was too fast for both Randall and Kevin. There were some holes on the floor that the mouse ran over and anytime Kevin tried to catch the mouse, fire emitted from another hole burning Randall in the buttocks.
Randall: AAAAAAAAHHHH! What is this!? Mousehunt all of the sudden!
Dusty and Gina came back with the mousetraps.
Gina: Let's get that furry little...
The mouse ran over the black hole again, Kevin fell to the floor trying to catch the mouse, and more fire emitted burning Randall in the buttocks once more.
Gina: He's going to feel that burn Tommorow!
Dusty: Maybe we ought to open a Preparation H Store.
The Manager has finally had enough. The mouse ran out of the window and got away from the Cheese Store. The Manager picks up the phone and makes a call.
Randall (pleading): Hey! Don't get us in trouble! We were only trying to help!
Manager: You all won't go to jail, but you're in trouble in all right! GET OUT! (points to the door)
Gina: Uhhh, we better go.
When Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were going back to the empty building Randall bought. There was a sign on it that reads EVICTION NOTICE!
Kevin: Oh no! Now what'll we do?
Gina: We can check into a hotel I guess.
Dusty: Just one thing, Randall spent all his earnings on that building.
Randall: (beings to laugh) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!
Gina: You do know this is all your fucking fault, you spending all that money...
Kevin: Dad? Why are you laughing? This is serious!
Randall: Why shouldn't I laugh? I, Randall Crawford! A man without a home! A man without a country! A man without a retirement plan!
Gina: We're penniless in Switzerland. By the way, you were a very dumb ass twat waffle for spending on that money on a building.
Dusty sees a hotel across the street with the sign HELP WANTED on the front. The hotel was called Old Shoe In.
Kevin: Oh, Dusty. We can't afford to stay at a hotel.
Dusty: Maybe we can. We can get jobs there and work our way back to Paradise.
Randall: All right fine! We'll do. We're the Paradise PD! We've been through worse situations than this. If we can get jobs at a hotel to make money to go home, we can.
Kevin: That's the spirit Dad!
Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all walk to the hotel in hopes to get work.
Dusty: For once, we're smarter than Randall!
Randall: Fuck you, Dusty! But I'll let this one slide.
Scene 4:
In the basement on the Lovely Corp building. A party was being thrown for Fitz. Balloons and cake were all over the room. It was his 47th birthday! Brett, Frank, Pedro, Puffy, Zeta, and Marco were all singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" to him. When the song was over. Fitz developed tears in his eyes.
Fitz: Thank you so much everyone! I have everything I need right now. (sniffles)
Zeta: Happy Birthday, Daddy Fitz! You've been the best adoptive dad ever to me!
Fitz: My dear sweet Zeta, you are too kind.
Brett DeMarco: I'm glad you didn't want presents this year.
Fitz: I'm glad you all respected my no presents policy. But I really loved the birthday cards you all gave me.
Frank Flipperfist: It was nothing, really.
Pedro Pooptooth: You might want to blow out the candles, puto!
Fitz blew out the candles and everyone clapped.
Brett DeMarco: Wow, our boss is 47 years old! Where did all the time go!
Fitz: At least on this show, we all age!
Frank Flipperfist: Unlike that stupid Simpsons finale, anyone seen that?
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria that was trash.
Zeta (sees Puffy enter): Hey, look guys. Puffy is coming.
Puffy The Cigarette: Happy Birthday sir!
Fitz: Puffy. Good to see you. Did you get my a birthday card?
Puffy The Cigarette: I got you two things I think you'll really like.
Handing Fitz two boxes, Puffy gives him a present and a gift cerificate.
Fitz: A gift certificate to Goopy Goopers? I never liked that piece of shit restaurant!
Puffy the Cigarette: Eeeek! Sorry!
Brett DeMarco: Why didn't you get him Red Lobster or something?
Pedro Pooptooth: Anyone seen Russian Mobster around?
Fitz (opens the box): Well, Puffy. Maybe a card is in this box and...
Brett, Zeta, Frank, Pedro, Marcos, and Puffy were all astounded by the contents on the box.
Fitz: This better not be a present, Puffy!
Frank Flipperfist: Looks like it is.
Fitz: SHIT! Puffy! What did I say about presents?
Zeta: Did you miss the memo or something?
Puffy The Cigarette: Trust me! Like I said before! It's something you'll really like. You know to use it for evil. It's Upsidaisym!
Fitz opens his present from Puffy and sees a green glowing brick.
Brett DeMarco: What the FUCK! What do you think this is? Some kind of Rocky and Bullwinkle bullshit?
Frank Flipperfist: I know what he means, it's plutonium.
Fitz: You know what, Puffy. I'll let this fuck up of yours go for now.
Puffy The Cigarette: Thanks Fitzy you're a pal!
Marco Narcos: What are you going to do with the plutonium, Fitz?
Fitz (carries the box into another room): I'll keep it in a safe place for now and...
A yell that came from Fitz was heard. He tripped over the doorway to the computer room.
Zeta: Oh no! Daddy Fitz!
Brett DeMarco: Are you okay?
Frank Flipperfist: Fuck! The plutonium!
After his fall, Fitz was fine. But the plutonium from the box flew onto a computer mouse. The computer had wcostream on and it was playing Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead.
Fitz: I'm okay. Just tripped but...what happened to the plutonium?
Brett DeMarco (spots the plutonium): I think it's stuck to that computer mouse.
Puffy The Cigarette: That's the computer I use to watch my favorite anime.
Fitz, Brett and Zeta go into the computer room.
Brett DeMarco: Stay here everyone. We're going to try to put it back in the box.
Russian Mobster (walks in): Did I miss something?
Frank, Pedro, Puffy, and Marcos all stared at Russian Mobster.
Russian Mobster: I'm back with the birthday cards! I got Fitz, 1...2...3...4...5! 5 birthday cards! HA HA HA HA!
Pedro and Frank look at Russian Mobster with contempt.
Russian Mobster: I got bored with the alphabet! I'm back to counting!
Frank Flipperfist: We don't have time for that! For your information, Fitz got sucked into a computer with plutonium.
Marcos Narcos: This birthday has become a rescue mission.
Pedro Pooptooth: Help us get them out, NOW!
It was already too late. The effects of the plutonium created a portal from inside the computer that sucked in Fitz, Brett, and Zeta.
Fitz: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, PUFFY!
Zeta: Daddy Fitz! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US!
Brett DeMarco: We're getting sucked inside the computer. Like some Night Gallery episode!
Scene 5:
At the Old Show Inn. An innkeeper answers the door when Randall knocked on it.
Randall: We're here to look for jobs!
Innkeeper: Good Good. Splendid. All you need to do is fill out these forms. We need your names, addresses, phone numbers, and your social security numbers.
Randall, Dusty, Kevin, and Gina all filled out the forms.
Dusty: Damn, these are more annoying them HMOs at doctor's offices.
Gina: I know right. They want to know your Great Grandmother's maiden name.
Randall: Ha! This is easy! Especially after all the crime reports I've filled out over the years.
Kevin: Just gotta get mine done and...
After filling out the forms to get jobs. Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin all hand them to the innkeeper. Who looks over the forms. There were other workers at the hotel as well who take a look at Randall, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin.
Kevin: Hey, everyone! We're going to be working here. We hope.
Dusty: Maybe it won't be so bad. Think of it like that movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
Gina (to the innkeeper): So, do we get the jobs or not?
Innkeeper (looks over the forms): It says right here you're all from...AMERICA! PARADISE GEORGIA?
All the hotel employees froze in shock.
Man Employee: America?
Woman Employee: Paradise! Georgia!
Man Employee #2: They're from the South?!
Woman Employee: That's the crime captial of America!
Innkeeper: I'm afraid so people! Get back to work! I'll deal with them!
Then some of the people staying in the hotel came out of their rooms.
Man #1: Paradise Georgia! Typical American Scumbags! (screams and points to Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty) Scumbags!
Man #2: I've been to Paradise Georgia! Too much crime, traffic, not to mention...violence!
Fat Woman (in an Italian accent): My-a daughter went-a to Paradise-a Georgia! And she came back pregnant!
The fat Italian woman shows a conjoined twin baby who resembled Robbie and Delbert.
Randall: Are we in a Clark Gable movie?
Kevin: Preferably one with Sophia Loren.
Innkeeper: All of you are going to work the most degrading job ever!
Dusty: Dare we ask? What is it?
Innkeeper: You are all on dishwashing duty!
Gina: Okay. We'll take it. When do we start?
Innkeeper: Today! Now! But be careful. I'll be keeping my eye on you all so you don't FUCK UP!
Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all accepted their fate as they walk into the kitchen to wash dishes.
Innkeeper: Also, you guys all pluck feathers off of dead chickens! Just saying.
Scene 6:
Bungle In The Jungle Plays Thoughout as Randall, Kevin, Dusty, and Gina were working in the kitchen of the hotel they were staying at. Under the watchful eye of the Innkeeper who kept yelling anytime something went wrong. Kevin kept messing up orders. Dusty didn't put the cups and dishes in the right places. Randall and Gina fared well doing their job. Three days have passed and they have done nothing but work.
Innkeeper: All right. Aside from a few mess ups I say you guys are doing well.
Dusty: When do we get paid!
Randall (elbows Dusty): Dusty! Don't ask stupid shit like that! You need to maintain your dignity and don't seem so fucking desparate!
Innkeeper: Moving on now, the four of you will pluck feathers off of dead chickens for tommorow's dinner.
Kevin: I beg your pardon, boss?
Innkeeper: You heard. (walking away)
Outside of the hotel, there were a pile of dead chickens. Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all got some dead chickens and tore off the feathers.
Gina: You know. Dusty has a point!
Randall: What are you getting at, Gina?
Gina: We've been here what? Three days?
Kevin: Yeah, we noticed.
Gina: The only reason we took this job is to pay our way back home.
Dusty (singing): We're Working Our Way Back To Paradise!
Randall: You're right Gina. Of course. We didn't even make enough to go back home.
Dusty: I know right?
Kevin: We haven't even worked long enough to make three cents.
Dusty: Or even to by a can of Benjamin Moore paint.
Gina: Come on, let's go back to plucking these chickens.
A Saint Bernard dog comes with a barrell from alcohol attached. Which attracts Kevin's attention.
Kevin: A puppy! Take a look, Dad!
Randall: Yes, I see it.
Kevin keeps staring at the dog. Especially at the barrell around it's collar.
Randall: What's on your mind?
Kevin: Yeah, Dad?
Randall: What's on your mind?
Kevin: That dog over there. Why does it have a barrell around it's neck?
Dusty: For a minute there I thought it was a shock collar.
Randall: That's for people who are out in the snow to keep them warm inside.
Kevin: What do you think is inside that barrell?
Randall: Why, it's alcohol of course! Don't you know anything about any other countries besides America?
Kevin: Sorta I guess.
Gina: Should've paid more attention in school!
Randall: Keep your eyes off that dog and let's move on with plucking these chickens.
Dusty swallows a chicken whole.
Randall: Goddamn it Dusty! That wasn't for you! That was for the guests!
Dusty: Hey! I do this to birds too! So, Don't judge me! (swallows)
Innkeeper: Good job, there. Typical American Assholes! Now come inside for more kitchen duties!
Dusty: Are we ever going to cook?
Kevin stays behind with the eye still on the Saint Bernard while Randall, Gina, and Dusty follow the innkeeper.
Dusty: Wonder how Bullet is doing back home?
Randall: Hard to say for now...
Gina (spots Kevin): Hey, you! We need you too!
Kevin: I'll be there in a minute! I just have to take a pee!
Seeing a bucket full of chicken feathers Kevin throws them in the air to attract attention to the Saint Bernard.
Kevin (falls on the ground): HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! I'm freezing to death! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Somebody come save me! I...Can't...Go...On...Much...
The Saint Bernard runs up to Kevin. Taking the barrell off the dog's collar, Kevin proceeds to drink the contents inside.
Kevin: Wow! This really packs a punch! This really is alcohol! Dad wasn't lying about that! I'll drink some more.
Drinking some more from the barrell, Kevin finishes the alcohol inside then starts to feel really buzzed and walks around in a zigzag.
Kevin: Good thing I'm not taking a breathilizer test! (hick)
Scene 7:
Once the plutonium takes it's effect. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta found themselves in the middle of Tokyo Japan.
Fitz: Tokyo? What the fuck are we doing in Tokyo?
Brett DeMarco: This reminds me of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2.
Zeta: This is where video games are made.
Fitz: Let's try to find a place to stay.
Leading the way, Fitz leads Brett and Zeta into an empty apartment. Witnessing their surroundings, Fitz sees everything here in Tokyo is all anime-esque. Including the way Fitz, Brett, and Zeta were drawn.
Fitz: I just realized something. We're drawn differently.
Zeta: What could it be? Even we changed a little.
Fitz: We're characters in an anime!
Brett DeMarco (scoffs): How humiliating!
Fitz: We may as well be in an anime version of the movie Cool World.
Just then, a fat bald zombie covered in blue and red paint breaks into the apartment. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all laugh at his appearence. Then the Fat Zombie bumped into the wall and it's head fell off. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all cracked up.
Fat Zombie (puts his head back on): Why are you laughing?
Another blue and red zombie breaks in.
Zombie #1: What seems to be the problem?
Fat Zombie: These humans are laughing at my pain!
More Zombies break in.
Fitz: What the fuck!
Zombie #2: So you guys laugh at our pain hey?
A group of zombies were walking slowly up to Fitz, Zeta, and Brett
Zombie #3: Do you realize we used to be humans who then got infected by bio weaponry!
Brett DeMarco (laughing): Who did that to you? Hallaburton?
Zeta: Uhh, these guys seem serious.
Fitz: We should stop laughing.
Zombie #4: The laughter stops here! We're teaching you a lesson!
The Fat Zombie throws an ax that lands above Fitz's head.
Fitz: An anime ax? Useless compared to real axes! You missed me! (touches his head and sees he's bleeding)
Brett and Zeta scream. As Fitz whimpers. The Fat Zombie along with the others have a cannon filled with deadly sharp tools.
Fitz: Damn! Talk about weapons of mass destruction!
Brett, Zeta, and Fitz screams, then all had their faces frozen in fear anime style. Running out of the apartment. The cannon blows up and Brett, Fitz, and Zeta were all being chased by the sharp weapons shot him the cannon. Until the three of them dodged them all.
Scene 8:
Back inside the Old Shoe Inn hotel. The Innkeeper gives more orders to Randall, Kevin, Gina, and Dusty.
Innkeeper: Now this time around. I am going to split you both into 2 groups.
Dusty: What is this, grade school? Like that one time I was in Group 5. But that's another story.
Innkeeper: The fat guy and the woman. You guys still stay here to do some cooking and kitchen cleaning duties.
Gina (scoffs): That figures.
Innkeeper: As for you two (eyes Randall and Kevin): You both will deliver this piano to a treehouse up in the mountains!
Pointing to a treehouse in the mountains, the Innkeeper shows the father and son. There was also a rickety bridge.
Kevin (drunk): Who lives in the treehouse? (hick) This looks like a piece of cake! (hick)
Innkeeper: My Pet Monkey!
Kevin: Did you just say My Pet Monster? (hick)
Randall: What's with the hiccups Kevin?
Dusty: Yeah, you sound like ALF when he had them.
Gina: He must've gotten into that alcohol from that dog.
Innkeeper: Okay enough! Get to work and do what you are told! (claps hands)
The Innkeeper rolls in a piano for Randall and Kevin to deliver. Dusty and Gina were rushed into the kitchen.
Randall: I know why you have hiccups! You drank that alcohol from that dog's collar! Didn't you?
Kevin: Maybe I did! Maybe I didn't! (hick) Sure nice not listening to you for once! (hick)
Randall: Just try to stay focused. If you can!
Scene 9:
Back in Tokyo. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta try to call for help.
Fitz: HELP! POLICE!
A cop car comes and drives them into downtown Tokyo. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all think they're in the clear.
Fitz: Say, I know where that plutonium transported us to.
Brett DeMarco: Some anime fantasy world?
Fitz: I realize now. We're in that anime Puffy likes, Zom 100 Bucket List of The Dead.
Brett DeMarco: How do you know?
Fitz: I walk in on Puffy sometimes when he's watching it.
Zeta (reading a sign inside the police car): To Protect And Devour?
Fitz: Oh no...
Brett DeMarco: These guys aren't cops I bet...
Two Zombies drivng the police car turn to face Brett, Fitz, and Zeta. One of the zombies uses a chainsaw. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all manage to dodge the chainsaw. Back in the Lovely Corp computer room. Puffy sits down to watch Zom 100 Bucket List Of The Dead on wcostream.
Puffy the Cigarette: I'm so glad Fitz isn't mad at me for that plutonium. Now let's see that Akira is up to...
Much to Puffy's surprise, he sees Fitz, Brett, and Zeta in the anime.
Puffy the Cigrette: Huh? Fitz, Brett, and Zeta are in this episode?
Watching the episode. Still getting attacked in the police car by the zombies, the zombie with the chainsaw keeps missing Fitz, Brett, and Zeta. Then the zombie by accident severs the other's arms off.
Zombie #5: Oops! Sorry.
Zombie #6: Shit happens.
Zeta: Ooooh, Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett! I'm scared!
Fitz: Zeta's right to be. We're done for!
Brett DeMarco: In fantasy shows like anime, anything can happen! Leave this to me.
Fitz: This isn't how I pictured turning 47! Brett! What're you gonna do?
Brett takes out a pen from his pocket and draws an Eject Button. Pressing the button, Brett's plan worked as Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all flew out of the police car, out came springs from the below the seat. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta soon find themselves flying in the sky upwards.
Fitz: Damn, Brett! That was amazing!
Zeta: We're going up and up...
Brett DeMarco (looks down): Uhhhh, Fitz.
Fitz: Oh come on, try to relax.
Scene 10:
Kevin and Randall walked out of the hotel. Then found themselves climbing up the mountain that lead to the treehouse with Kevin stumbling along the way. In the kitchen. Gina has a plan to escape.
Gina: I don't know how much more i can take of this bullshit!
Dusty: You're telling me. We wouldn't be here because of Randall fucking up!
Gina: I got an idea. Follow my lead.
Dusty: Sure thing.
Moments later, Gina calls out to the Innkeeper and the other workers of the hotel.
Gina: HELP! HELP! My friend ran away!
Innkeeper: Where the hell did he go! He has a job to do! It's not like my employees to abandon their jobs!
Gina: I know right! He just upped and left me!
Innkeeper: Workers, spread out until we find him.
The workers and the innkeeper try to look for Dusty. Gina gives a thumbs up and Dusty jumps from the ceiling squashing the Innkeeper and the workers! Dusty left a pile of bloody mess on the floor.
Gina: Awesome work, Dusty!
Dusty: It sure felt good for me to do the ass kicking!
Gina: Now let's get out of here.
Dusty: We better before they wake up.
Gina: I don't think they'll be waking up anytime soon! (snaps fingers) Think I know a way to get Randall's money back!
Dusty and Gina ran out of the hotel. Randall and Kevin were now on the rickety bridge rolling the piano.
Randall: Mother fucker! Concentrate, Kevin!
Kevin: I'm trying. (hick)
Randall: Let's get this piano across here.
Kevin goes on the other side of the piano still drunk from the alcohol.
Randall: Take it fucking easy!
As Kevin and Randall were rolling the piano. The rollers at the bottom got stuck on the gap of the birdge.
Randall: We'll have to lift it.
Kevin and Randall lift the piano. Just then Randall steps on the roller that causes him to slip, Randall is now facing upside down about to fall from the bridge.
Randall: FUCK! FUCK! SON OF A BITCH! I'M STUCK! Come and get me! Come and get me! Please!
Kevin: I'll save you, Dad. (hick)
Still drunk from the alcohol. Kevin can still function. Kevin spits on his hands, walks in front of the piano and gets Randall out of the hole in the bridge.
Randall (gasps): I almost had a heart attack there.
Kevin: What happened Dad?
Randall: Stay here, Kevin. I'm going to see if the rest of this bridge is safe.
Running toward the treehouse. Randall sees no defects on the bridge. Walking to the treehouse. A door opens behind Randall. Out comes the monkey which was a gorilla. Walking back to Kevin. Randall reassures him.
Randall: Everything is okay. From now on it's going to be easy sailing! You go in the front now.
Then Kevin goes to where Randall was pushing the piano. The gorilla slowly and surely sneaks up behind them. Lifting the piano, Kevin stops for a minute and spots the gorilla. Walking up to Randall to warn him.
Randall: What is it NOW?!
Kevin (drunk): I see a monkey! (hick)
Randall: A what?
Kevin (drunk): A monkey? Didn't you hear me the first time? (hick)
Randall: Well that doesn't surprise me one bit! If you don't stop drinking that alcohol, next thing we'll know you'll be seeing Heidi and Spencer doing porn!
Kevin goes back to the front of the piano. The gorilla gropes Randall. Which has Randall looking around.
Randall: Everything just ain't all right!
The gorilla then spanks Randall. That is when Randall finally notices the gorilla behind them. Randall and Kevin both scream as the gorilla rocks the bridge back and forth along with the piano. Randall and Kevin hold onto each other. The rope to the bridge is on the verge of breaking.
Kevin (screaming): What'll we do now, Dad?!
Randall: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!
The rope to the bridge finally broke. Randall and Kevin held onto the wooden planks with dear life. The gorilla falls down with the piano to what seems like an endless pit. Kevin and Randall watched. Then a puff of smoke comes from the ground. Randall and Kevin climb up the now broken bridge.
Kevin: That gorilla died a Wile E Coyote style death (hick)
Randall: Now we're really stranded here in Switzerland...
Kevin gets distracted again by another Saint Bernard with a collar full of alcohol. Randall swats Kevin away.
Randall: If you didn't get so drunk we never would've...
Kevin: You were the one who spent all your earnings...
When Randall was about to lay into Kevin and vice versa. Dusty and Gina called out to them.
Dusty: Hey fellas!
Gina: We have something to tell you!
Randall and Kevin turned to see Gina and Dusty.
Kevin: Dusty and Gina! Aren't you guys supposed to be in the kitchen? (hick)
Gina: We have good news! We can go home!
Randall: How is that possible? We're stuck here like a penis glued to a wall.
Dusty: You see, Gina and I stuck away.
Gina: We went to the building you bought for the mousetrap business.
Kevin: And? (hick)
Dusty: We sold it on one of those Let Go apps!
Gina: That's right. We got $25,000 dollars for it!
Kevin: You mean, we don't have to do hotel work, anymore? (hick)
Dusty: That's exactly what we're saying!
Randall: You mean, we're free?
Gina: Yes we are! Let's get the fuck out of this twat waffle country!
Dusty: We gotta admit. We were mad at you for wasting all that money on that building.
Gina: Then we decided to help because you're our friend!
Kevin: Thanks so much you guys!
Randall: You know what this means! Not only can we go home! I'm completely off the hook about this!
Dusty: What're we waiting for! Let's catch the next flight outta Switzerland! But first. I want to try some of that chocolate!
Randall, Gina, and Kevin all groan. However, the four of them were happy that their time in Switzerland working at the Old Shoe Inn has now come to an end.
Scene 11:
Brett grabs Fitz to turn his head down. The zombies were all waiting for the three of them to fall from the sky. Now the zombies had bear traps hooked up to electricity.
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta (falling from the sky): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Puffy the Cigarette (watches on computer): This is a boring episode.
Clicking on the mouse. Puffy goes on Youtube. There is a video of an episode The Beverly Hillbillies. The plutonium does it's magic again and now zaps Fitz, Brett, and Zeta into an episode.
Puffy The Cigarette: Oh boy! The Clampetts!
Jed Clampett: "I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done".
Granny: "Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again".
Jethro Bodine: "Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya".
Shifty Shafer: "I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Then Fitz, Zeta, and Brett all fall into the Beverly Hillbillies episode, landing on Jethro and Granny. The zombies soon chase after them not noticing the Clampet family as they are trampled to death by the zombies.
Puffy the Cigarette: First Fitz, and the zombies, and the others were in Zom 100, now they're in the Beverly Hillbillies! What the hell is going on?!
Clicking the mouse once again the plutonium does it's magic once more and returns Fitz, Brett, and Zeta to Zom 100. Fitz, Zeta, and Brett found themselves in the same apartment.
Fitz: Fuck! We're right back where we started! Those zombies are going to kill us for sure!
Brett DeMarco: (points to a screen): I think I see a Silver Lining In This Playbook!
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta soon notice Puffy was on the other side of the screen.
Zeta: PUFFY! PUFFY! HELP!
Puffy notices Fitz, Brett, and Zeta on the other side of the computer screen. The three of them are pounding on the glass of the screen.
Fitz: Get us out of here! Use the mouse!
Puffy: Huh?
Brett DeMarco: The mouse has the plutonium you fucking dumbass! You gave to Fitz as a gift!
Fitz: You know, that wonderful birthday surprise! If you don't do something soon, it'll be our Death Day!
The zombies had a fire hydrant full of piranhas about to aim it at Fitz, Zeta, and Brett.
Puffy the Cigarette: Hmmm, let's see. Left button, right button!
Fitz (pounding on the glass screen): Press either button! Get us the fuck outta here!
Scene 12:
Breaking into the empty apartment, was the hero of Zom 100. Akira and his best friend Kenichirou Ryuuzaki.
Akira: Excuse me...
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all turn to see Akira and Kenichirou.
Kenichirou: Are these zombies giving you a hard time?
Brett DeMarco: Well, duh! What do you think?!
Fitz: If we don't get outta here, they're gonna kill us!
Zeta: Puffy! Press the right button on the mouse!
Right when the zombies were going to spray Fitz, Brett, and Zeta with the fire hydrant full of piranhas. Puffy saves them by pressing the right button that gets Fitz, Brett, and Zeta out of Zom 100. That was Akira's and Kenichirou's cue to slay the zombies and break the pirahna fire hydrant. After the zombie's defeat, Akira and Kenichirou look at each other and see Fitz, Brett, and Zeta.
Akira: Who the hell were they?
Kenichirou: Fuck if I know.
Fitz: We're back!
Pedro, Frank, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos all walk into the computer room.
Frank Flipperfist: Fitz! You're back!
Marcos Narcos: Dios Mio! You three look like you've been though hell!
Pedro Pooptooth: Where did you go?
Frank Flipperfist: What was it like inside the computer?
Marcos Narcos: Yeah, did it make that funny song, (imitates Intel Inside jingle)?
Fitz: We got sucked inside Puffy's favorite anime.
Puffy The Cigarette: It's called Zom 100 Bucket List Of the Dead.
Fitz: I'm doing the talking here and...
Brett DeMarco (points to the computer screen): Holy fuck! Look!
Knocking on the computer screen Akira and Kenichirou were knocking.
Zeta: Oh no! Now they want to kill us just like the zombies did!
Kenichirou: No! We defeated the zombies who wanted to kill you.
Akira: We have something for you.
Fitz and Brett DeMarco walk up to the computer screen with Zeta behind them.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, we're here. Now what?
Kenichirou: Sorry that you got stuck in our anime.
Akira: Yes and we apologize for how much pain and suffering you went through.
Kenichirou: We want to give you this...
Fitz gets handed a business card. The card reads, "ZOMBIE SLAYERS FOR HIRE. APPLY WITHIN."
Akira: If you ever come back to Tokyo...
Kenichirou: We sure can use your help.
Fitz: Wow, thank you so much.
Brett DeMarco: When would you like us to come back?
Akira: Come back anytime you'd like!
Kenichirou: For now, we have some zombies to kill! Let's go!
The computer screen turns off.
Puffy The Cigarette: This doesn't make your birthday worse, does it?
Fitz: Yes, I know my birthday had some mishaps with plutoium and getting sucked into a zombie anime but...
Brett DeMarco: Yeah, what...
Frank Flipperfist: Tell us?
Pedro Pooptooth: Anything we can do to make you feel better.
Marcos Narcos: You're not scarred for life are you?
Fitz: No, I am not...
Zeta: Yes, what is it?
Fitz: How many 47 year old men can say that got sucked into Zom 100 and got chased by killer zombies and lived to tell about it?
Brett DeMarco: You actually enjoyed that? (scoffs) What a masochist!
Fitz: Say what you will about me, Brett. There's just one thing I learned about that...
Pedro Pooptooth: We're waiting.
Frank Flipperfist: You going to move to Japan?
Fitz: I had the greatest and the best 47th birthday ever!
Brett, Frank, Pedro, Marcos, Puffy, and Zeta all cheer!
Fitz (pops open a cork of champagne): I AM THE KING! (squirts the champange at the tv screen)
Scene 13 Conclusion:
Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin were back home from Switzerland. They all stand outside the police station, bewildered by the crowd of screaming teenage girls.
Gina: What the hell is going on?
Randall: These girls act like they're going to see the fucking Backstreet Boys or something!
Kevin: I don't know, but I'm getting a bad feeling.
Randall: I can tell you're not drunk anymore.
Kevin: Dusty let me have some of those chocolates. Sobered me right up!
Dusty: I'll never forgot those chocolates! I just might puke them up so I can eat them all over again! (laughs)
Gina: What's with all these screaming cunts?
Dusty: Your guess is as good as mine!
They try to push through the crowd, but are overwhelmed. RANDALL manages to slip through and burst into the station.
Randall: Bullet!
The station is now a brightly lit, colorful set. Robbie, Delbert, Camaro Bob, and Hobo Cop are all dressed in matching outfits, dancing and singing.
Robbie (Singing) We're the Paradise PD crew!
Delbert: We're here to make your dreams come true!
Randall (Shocked) Bullet! What the fuck have you done?
Gina, Kevin, and Dusty all snuck away.
Dusty: Let him handle this!
Gina: Agreed!
Kevin: You guys! Wait for me!
The German shepard steps out from behind a camera.
Bullet (Grinning): Welcome back, Randall. While you were away, I decided to turn Paradise PD into a sitcom.
Randall: A sitcom? You've ruined everything!
Camaro Bob (in a deep, gravelly voice): "Yeah, I'm diggin' this new vibe, man. It's like a party all the time!"
Hobo Cop (in a homeless-sounding accent): "I'm just happy I got a new wardrobe. These rags were starting to smell."
Bullet: Ruined? Hardly. This is the best thing that's ever happened to Paradise. Now, let's get back to filming! Besides, I made these dudes into teen idols!
Stanley: I'm a better teen idol than Paul Anka!
The camera zooms in on Randall's shocked expression as the crew continues to sing and dance.
THE END
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