Categories > Cartoons > Aeon Flux
Drop The MIckey
0 reviewsWorrying about how to spend the summer won't be a problem for Richard and Gage. They'll be spending it helping the authorities to search for Karponzi who's been snatched by a Doomsday Cult.
0Unrated
This is a fanfic of an adult cartoon I recently discovered called Mr. Birchum. It's on Daily wire in anyone is interested. Hope you all like my fanfic about it. If not, that's okay too!
Mr. Birchum
fanfic title:
Drop The Mickey
by Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
One sunny LA afternoon, it was the last day of school for Teddy Roosevelt Junior High. Richard Birchum the woods teacher along with his lifelong friend Don Gage who is also a teacher there. Who teaches Auto Shop. Both men are walking out to the parking lot. Contemplating what a great school year they have teached.
Richard: I gotta say, sometimes I hate summer. I wish this place an be an all year around school.
Gage: Yeah, I know what you mean. I haven't a clue what I am going to do this summer. At first it's boring, then I begin to find things.
Richard: Wish I had the ability to do that!
Elliot Karponzi runs up to them.
Richard: (rolls eyes): Oh great! Here comes Mr Dope on A Woke.
Karponzi: Hey, y'all. Before you all go home Principal Pam wants to have a word with us.
Gage: Okay, let's see what she wants.
Richard: Hopefully I'll get to teach summer school.
Karponzi: That would be like you, wouldn't it? You power crazy narc!
Gage, Richard, and Karponzi all walk to Principal Pam Bortle's office. Once they all get there. Pam tells them she has a oppornuity for the three of them.
Pam Bortle: Gentlemen....
Karponzi: Hey! Don't call me gentleman! I indenitify as....
Pam Bortle: Okay, okay. Settle down. Gentleman. (looks at Karponzi) And THEY.
Karponzi: That's better! (Grins)
Pam Bortle: I want you three to chaperone my son's frat party this weekend.
Gage: Sure we accept.
Karponzi: I'll be happy to do that. These frat boys can learn a thing or two about the horrors of Toxic Musculinity!
Pam Bortle: No this has nothing to do with politics. I just want you three to be sure be son and his frat stays out of trouble.
Richard: Count me in! If anyone knows how to straighten things out, it's me! I know how rowdy frat parties can get.
Gage: Would you like us to make sure there's no drinking or drugs.
Pam Bortle: Correct. Besides, even though my son is in college now. I somehow still don't trust him in that frat he's in.
Richard: Where is this party?
Pam Bortle: It's at Pepperdine.
Richard: We know where that is.
Gage: Before we go, we should tell our families what we are doing.
Richard: Exactly as I intend to.
Gage, Richard, and Karponzi all go home. Lurking in the bushes there was a mysterious person that has it's eyes on Karponzi.
Scene 2:
When Richard came home, he was having dinner with his family. Wendi, Eddie, and Jeannie were at the table.
Richard: Good dinner, Wendi.
Wendi: You're very welcome. (turns to Eddie): Eddie, can you help with the dishes?
Eddie (annoyed): What is it with you and wanting help with the dishes? First it's me wanting to warm up for dinner in the microwave and now it's dishes!
Wendi: You have to pull your weight around here too! Furthermore I'm a human being, and I have needs!
Eddie: Yeah, so did the Elephant Man! (rolls eyes)
Getting up from his seat, Wendi was done with her dinner. Eddie picked up her plates and washed them all.
Jeannie: Hey, dad. Did you hear about that new Lumber Store that opened.
Richard: Yes I did.
Jeannie: Can we go there this weekend?
Richard: I'm afraid I can't.
Jeannie: Why? I was so looking forward to going.
Richard: Pam Bortle wants me, Gage, and (shudders) Karponzi to chaperone a frat party her son is having.
Eddie: Frat parties? Who needs those. When you can just stay home and game?
Wendi: Did you accept?
Richard: Yes I did.
Jeannie: How long will the frat party go on?
Richard: It's this Saturday.
Jeannie: Shit. That's when the Lumber Store has it's Grand Opening!
Richard: We'll go Sunday. Besides, everyday will be Saturday what with summer vacation coming.
Jeannie (sigh): I suppose you're right.
Wendi: Did you see the commercial for it? Reminded me of that one from I Heart Huckabees.
Eddie: It's on every commercial break. Almost as obnoxious as those Balance Of Nature commercials!
Richard: Well it's settled.
Wendi: Where is this frat party?
Richard: It's in Pepperdine.
Wendi: That's not too far. Good luck.
When the Birchum family finished their dinner, they did their usual things for the rest of the day and went to bed.
Scene 3:
Saturday was here. Richard, Karponzi, and Gage have arrived at Pepperdine.
Richard: Well this is it.
Gage: We ready for this?
Karponzi: If Hans Solo is ready for anything so am I!
Richard, Gage, and Karponzi all walked inside Pepperdine to look for the frat party. Outside Pepperdine, a mysterious man disguises himself as a college student and walks inside. Then he spots Karponzi, Richard, and Gage.
Man: Excuse me, sirs?
Karponzi (frustrated groan): Why do people forgot about pronouns!
Richard: Never mind him, what do you want to ask us?
Man: Are you guys headed for a frat party by any chance?
Gage: Yes we are. We're chaperones.
Man: You've come to the right place. I know where it is!
The mysterious man dressed as a college student leads Richard, Gage, and Karponzi to the frat party where they are greeted by Pam Bortle's son, Roy.
Roy: Mr. Birchum! Is that you? My old woods teacher?!
Richard: Yes it is!
Roy: Do you remember me.
Richard: You bet I do. You were my star student!
Roy: I bet my Mom sent you here to make sure we don't do any hanky panky.
Gage: You guessed right.
Roy: And Gage! You were awesome too!
Karponzi: I never knew this man. Maybe that's a good thing.
Richard: OKay, first things first. We are just going to have a normal party. You can have fun without alcohol, prostitutes, or whatever other bad illegal thing college students do.
Roy: (laughs): He hasn't changed a bit. We have no intentions of doing that, do we?
Frat Brothers: NNNOOO!
Gage: Let's get the party started and keep it clean!
Frat Brothers: YEAH!
Roy: Exactly! We need to prove a point to my Mom that we don't get all rambunctious! ANd out of respect for Mr Birchum!
As the party goes on. Richard, Gage, and Karponzi were very pleased of how they monitored the frat party without it getting out of control. There was music, dancing, and frat boys going wild. Playing all the hit songs from 2024. Hozier's Too Sweet plays.
Richard: Oh fuck! Not that stupid Too Sweet again.
Gage: To each their own. Certainly not my taste in music.
Richard: Most overrated song of 2024!
Karponzi: This party has male privilege written all over it. Isn't there even a black guy in this frat?
Richard and Gage ignore Karponzi's remarks. Roy offers everyone some drinks.
Roy: Who wants some Hi-C?
Frat Brothers: YEAH!
Karponzi: More like sugary drinks that rot the brain and cause diabetes.
Gage: This is nothing like those college movies.
Richard: Far cry from Revenge of The Nerds or Grown Ups 2.
As Richard, Gage, Roy, and the frat brothers were gathering around for drinks. The mysterious man from before walks up to Karponzi offering him a drink. Before he offered the drink, he put a Mickey Finn in it, discreetly.
Man: Drink?
Karponzi: What is it?
Man: Just plain water.
Karponzi: Okay, I'll take it.
Man: When you're done there go to the store and get some more Hi-C.
Karponzi: If you say so.
Once Karponzi was done with his drink. He walked out of Pepperdine and staggered down the street.
Richard: Who wants to play Monopoly!
Gage: A fan favorite!
Roy: My mom will be pleased to know we're not getting wacky!
Man (over phone): We got him! He was easy to catch!
As Richard and Gage continued to chaperone the frat party. Karponzi stopped for a while and noticed his surroundings were going in circles.
Karponzi: Something in the water....why do I feel this way?
Growing sicker by the minute. Karponzi sees a car coming toward him.
Karponzi: Taxi! Taxi!
Before he knew it, Karponzi was snatched by the people inside the car.
Karponzi: What the fucking hell is THIS!
Distorted Voice: The Apocalypse is coming! Come! You'll thank us later!
The mysterious man from before also jumps into the car. Putting a bag over Karponzi's head. The car speeds away. Still chaperoning the party, Richard and Gage had no clue that Karponzi has been abducted.
Scene 4:
The frat party was over. Roy shows out Richard and Gage.
Roy: Goodbye! Thank you for helping me prove to my Mom I can party responsibly!
Richard: Anytime! It was our pleasure!
Gage: Focus on your studies.
Heading out of Pepperdine. Richard and Gage were ready to head back home.
Richard: Wow that almost felt like being a teacher!
Gage: I know right.
Richard: I think we did a better job than Karponzi! Isn't that right, Karponzi?
Gage (looking around in panic): I think he's gone.
Richard: That PC Police son of a whore was with us a while ago.
Gage: Maybe he's trying to pull something on us.
Richard and Gage frantically search around for Karponzi and come up short.
Gage: It's like he disappeared.
Richard: Even though we don't like him, the school board will have our asses on a platter if he's gone missing.
Gage: Pam Bortle will fire us.
Richard: We can't let that happen.
Gage: What do you think we should do?
Richard: There's only one thing to do. File a missing persons report.
Gage and Richard drive to nearest pay phone. Richard calls Wendi.
Richard: Wendi. Bring the family here. Yes, even Eddie! I need your help. I'll explain on the way.
Gage and Richard drive home first and then Richard brings his family to the police station.
Scene 5:
At the LA County Police Station. Richard, Gage, Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie were all there for support.
Richard: Thank you for helping me out like this.
Wendi: Always. That's what family does.
Jeannie: We wouldn't miss it for the world!
Eddie: I have to be here instead of The Youtube awards?
Wendi: Well, think of it this way. Why not use social media for a good cause. Like bringing Karponzi back home.
Eddie: Hmmm, guess you're right.
A female bailiff walks into the room she calls Richard and Gage back. Tensions were rising as Richard and Gages were walking into the interrogating room to file a missing persons report on Karponzi.
Gage: What if they suspect us?
Richard: They won't. Neither of us have a prior criminal record.
Gage: That doesn't matter. We might get sent to a prison like the one in Death Warrant.
Richard: That was the movies, this is real.
Gage and Richard are in the interrogation room. Two policemen walk inside. Their names are Officer Upps and Officer Downs.
Officer Upps: Good day. Pleased to meet you, I am officer Oliver Upps.
Officer Downs: And I'm Officer Stanley Downs. Have a seat.
Richard and Gage both sit at the table.
Officer Upps: What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
Richard: I'll start. We're all teachers at Teddy Roosevelt Junior High. I'm a woods teacher and my friend is an auto shop teacher. We were asked by our Principal Pam Bortle to chaperone a frat party.
Officer Downs: Okay, what happened next?
Gage: Another teacher came with us, Elliot Karponzi.
Officer Upps: Oh yes. We know who he is. We arrested him for protesting against burning down a tree in Griffith Park.
Officer Downs: What happened next?
Richard: After the party was over, we noticed he was gone.
Gage: He wasn't with us. We assumed he was.
Officer Upps: Hmm, this sounds suspicious...
Gage: (under his breath): I knew it.
Officer Upps: You made him disappear didn't you?
Gage: WHAT?! How could you even say that?
Officer Downs: When we arrested him last time he kept complaining about how stuck in the past conservative you guys.
Richard: Oh come on! You really think we have the power to make him disappear?
Officer Upps: I recall he said you guys were rivals...
Gage: Look, we never liked the guy. But if we don't bring him back we might get fired and...
Officer Downs (points his finger in the air): Rival teachers with liberal political views can be very annoying!
Richard: Look! I'm willing to do anything here for you guys to stop treating us like suspects.
Officer Upps: OKay, fine. We'll all go to Pepperdine. We'll check out the security cameras.
Richard: OKay, it's a deal.
Officer Upps and Downs agree to the deal. Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie come along as well. While arriving at Pepperdine. Wendi, Eddie, and Jeannie stood by. Eddie recorded himself on his iPhone.
Eddie: Attention fellow gamers! This is Eddie Birchum! One of the teachers my Dad works for has gone missing! His, I mean Their name is Elliot Karponzi. Heres his picture. (shows a picture of Karponzi on his iPhone) if anyone out there in the greater Los Angeles area has seen Elliot Karponzi, please call Crime Stoppers!
Wendi: Wow, Eddie! That was amazing!
Jeannie: It is. You can be a crime reporter for Dateline or something like that.
After hours of investigation. Officers Upps and Downs come out with Gage and Richard.
Officer Downs: We're sorry we doubted you guys.
Officer Upps: You were telling the truth all along.
Richard: What is your take on this?
Officer Upps: We are dealing with a kidnapping.
Gage: Who do you think did it?
Officer Downs: According to the security camera. They look like members from the Doomsday Cult we've been after called The Order of the New Dawn.
Gage: How come you were never able to catch them before?
Officer Upps: They keep eluding us! That's why
Richard: What do we do now?
Officer Upps: We're going to track them down but we'll need your help. Both of you.
Gage: Will have have to go undercover.
Officer Downs: I'm afraid so.
Richard and Gage agree to go undercover to rescue Karponzi.
Scene 6:
Locked away in a dark room. Karponzi wakes up to unfamiliar surroundings.
Karponzi: What is this place?
The man from the frat party who disguised himself as a college student walks up to Karponzi.
Karponzi: What the fuck is all this!
Man: Welcome to the The Order of the New Dawn. My name is Dark Crystal.
Karponzi: Dark Crystal? Like in that movie.....Oh, and Uhhh (nervous laugh) that's really awesome for a man like you to be brave enough to use a female name!
Dark Crystal: SILENCE!!!! We don't talk about movies around here. This is a technology, social media, television free society we live in. We all dedicate our lives to me! Th almighty God, and Jesus! We brought you here so we can protect you from the apocalypse which is happening right now.
Karponzi: Hey! I'll have you know that I am an atheist and I do not believe in that Bible bullshit!
Dark Crystal (slaps Karponzi): Shut up! We can use a man like you....
Karponzi: I am not a man! Are you aware that there are 26 genders? I idenitfy as a non binary.....
Dark Crystal: Sorry, we don't do that fucking woke culture crap here.
Karponzi: Hey wait a minute. You're that guy from the frat party! I bet you drugged my water drink on me. That's why I felt so disoriented when you sent me to get some Hi-C.
Dark Crystal: That's exactly correct. Whoever we seek, we stalk. We use the term Drop The Mickey when we slip a Mickey Finn if we want to force someone into our cult. Now I will break your spirit and make you forget all about woke culture, worship Christ the Lord and appreciate how we all saved you from the Rapture! You will spend the rest of your life dedicating your life to me!
Karponzi finds himself being dragged away by all the other members of the Order of The New Dawn and thrown into a room full of rotting fish.
Dark Crystal: You're probably wondering about the rotting fish. You will cut and gut them all!
Karponzi: How many of them are there?
Dark Crystal: Millions and millions! GET TO WORK! (throws a knife at Karponzi)
Karponzi: Who does this shitface think I am? That butcher from Hannibal Rising?
Dark Crystal: HEY! We heard you in there! Start gutting the FISH!
Karponzi: Why did a bunch of Christians have to kidnap me? Why couldn't I have been abdcuted by CHOP back in 2020 instead? I'd be much better off there....
Scene 7:
Officers Upps and Downs were driving Richard and Gage to the hideout where the Order Of The New Dawn were located. Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie come along with them. Everyone except the officers steps out of the vehicles.
Eddie (on his iPhone): This is Eddie Brichum reporting to you live....
Wendi (to Jeannie): Wow, he really has a knack for this crime reporting stuff.
Jeannie (to Wendi): He's a natural at it. Maybe he'll move out and go to college.
Officer Upps and Downs have wiring on Richard and Gage.
Officer Downs: Everything is all ready to go. You must enter inside the cult and pretend you want to join.
Richard: We won't let you down. I'm a believer of the Back The Blue! (salutes)
Officer Downs: I can tell you are!
Officer Upps: We're counting on you both.
Gage and Richard exit the vehicle.
Richard: This is kind of exciting hey?
Gage: I know! This is like a real life Lethal Weapon! I'm Danny Glover! And you're Mel Gibson!
Richard: Unlike them we're not too old for this shit!
Gage and Richard laugh.
Richard: Okay, let's be serious now, our fucking jobs are on the line here.
Going inside the hideout, Richard and Gage are meet by the leader Dark Crystal.
Dark Crystal: Hello. Welcome to the Order of The New Dawn. What may I do for you?
Richard: Uhhh, we hear you're looking for a few good members!
Member: Should we drop the Mickey on them?
Dark Crystal: That won't be nessessary! You're in!
Richard: YES! Oh boy! A cult!
Gage: Yes! Yes! Cults are fun!
Dark Crystal lets in both Gage and Richard.
Scene 8:
Dark Crystal shows Richard and Gage around.
Richard: So this is the Order Of The New Dawn, hey?
Gage: We love what you did with the place!
Dark Crystal: You're very lucky to have come here. The apocalypse is happening outside.
Gage: Oh yes! We had to fight off demons before we got here!
Richard: It wasn't easy that's for sure!
Dark Crystal: Now if you guys want to join us, you have to have your spirits broken.
Gage: Okay! What do we have to do?
Dark Crystal: Come with us.
Richard and Gage were being lead by Dark Crystal and all the other members of the Order of The New Dawn and before Richard and Gage can do anything else, they are thrown into the same room with rotting fish as Karponzi.
Dark Crystal: You two will gut these fish!
Richard and Gage startle as the door slams behind them. Karponzi was shocked to see them.
Karponzi: They got you too hey? That was the same man who made me get Hi-C and drugged me.
Gage: No way! Really?
Karponzi: Yes he did. Now shut up and help me cut these fish!
Richard and Gage gut the fish along with Karponzi.
Scene 9:
Officers Upps and Downs were watching the whole thing in the vehicle on a monitor.
Wendi: Oh no. Now they're prisoners too?
Officer Upps: That's what we want to happen.
Jeannie: When will they be rescued?
Officer Downs: Oh, we'll know. Trust us.
Eddie (on his Iphone): A shocking turn of events has occurred......now my dad Richard and his friend Gage.....
Inside the hideout of the Order Of The New Dawn, Richard, Karponzi and Gage were gutting the rotting fish to 'break their spirit.'
Karponzi: I fucking hate this.
Richard: What are you complaining about! I love gutting fish!
Gage: Besides, the fish are dead. It's not like they're going to scream in agony. Anyway, There's something we have to tell you.
Richard: Gotta promise to keep it a secret okay? Tell him Gage.
Gage: We're on an undercover mission from the police.
Richard: Yes, he's right. We're here to rescue you.
Karponzi: WHAT? Rescue me? I thought you guys hated me.
Gage: You're a teacher who works at our school so in a way we actually do care about you.
Karponzi: Oh no! I won't stand for this! I refuse to be rescued by a couple of right wing lunatics, and working for pigs like the police? In fact I'll rescue myself!
Richard and Gage watch as they try to stop Karponzi from running away.
Scene 10:
Richard and Gage fail at trying to stop Karponzi from escaping.
Gage: Wait! Stop! Don't go!
Richard: It's no use.
Gage: There's no stopping him now.
Richard: We're undercover. We got the police on our side.
Karponzi (out of the room): Now you listen to me you Order Of The New Dawn ass-fuckers! I am completely fed up with....
Member: Sir! Sir! Our prisoner has gone rogue!
Dark Crystal: Give him another Mickey!
Member: Yes sir!
Back in the vechicle, Officers Upps and Downs watch as Karponzi is being drugged again.
Wendi: Oh no! Poor Elliot!
Jeannie: Is this the part where you all try to stop this all?
Officer Upps: Yes, now is our time to move!
Officer Downs: Let's go!
Richard and Gage sneak out of the room with the rotting fish. They watch as Dark Crystal forces another spiked drink with Mickey on Karponzi.
Dark Crystal (to the members): Let this all be a lesson to each and every one of you! If you try to escape or if you disobey me in any way! THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU! You will get the Mickey! (points to the members)
Richard (laughs softly): This is kind of satistfying!
Officers Upps and Downs break into the Order Of The New Dawn hideout.
Officer Downs: This is the police! You're all under arrest!
Richard: HA! You all got Punk'd motherfuckers!
Gage: And there is no apocalypse, there never was an apocalyse, and there will never BE AN APOCALYSE!
Officer Upps: Thank you so much gentlemen for helping us out.
Richard: Look me after if you ever want to go on another undercover mission!
Officer Downs: We'll do. But first we have a cult to apprehend!
When the cops came to check on Karponzi, he was comatose. Officers Downs checks on Karponzi.
Officer Downs: We need an ambulance!
Eddie (on his Iphone): Thanks to my dad, the cops, and his friend Don Gage. The cult has been arrested! More up to date news later!
The Order Of The Dawn was now a thing of the past. Dark Crystal and it's many members will face years and years in prison. Richard and Gage were both rewarded with medals for their efforts.
Scene 11 Conclusion:
At Cedars Sinai Hospital. Richard, Wendi, Jeannie, and Gage were all visiting the now comatose Karponzi. A doctor walks in.
Wendi: Is he...I mean, are they going to be okay?
Doctor: Yes, he's going to be fine. His system was filled with the Mickey Fin drug. After we clean it out of his system. He'll be out in a week.
Richard: You would not believe the sicko obsession Order Of The New Dawn had with the Mickey Finn drug!
Jeannie: Thank you, doctor. (To Richard): You're an even bigger hero in my eyes than you ever were before.
Richard: Wow, thank you Jeannie. Before we go home we'll go to that New Lumber store that's opened!
Jeannie: YES! I'M THERE!
Gage: We were really brave back there, weren't we?
Richard: Wish we could've used our shop and auto tools on them! We really would've showed them what for!
Pam Bortle (Walks into hospital room): Well, congratulations, Richard Birchum and Don Gage!
Gage: Hey, how do you know about all this?
Pam Bortle: Social media? Where else? Anyway, for helping saving Karponzi from that spooky cult, I am renewing your all three of your jobs for another 10 years!
Gage: Really! Wow! That's an honor!
Richard: Even Karponzi?
Pam Bortle: Yes even him! See you guys in the fall!
Richard: Thank you. (yells) How in the fuck did our endevor about helping the police take down that cult end up on social fucking media!
Wendi: I think I might know.....
Eddie (coming out of a bathroom in the hosptial room) That's a question you'll have to ask me, Dad!
Richard: What did you have to do with any of this?
Eddie: Didn't Mom tell you yet? I record crimes. I'm a crime reporter now. I'm a hit on my Youtube channel with your undercover sting! Also, I made a wad of cash because of it!
Richard: You want to be a crime reporter hey? Then maybe you can get off your ass, and go straight to Journalism School and finally leave home!
Eddie: Oh no. I don't need college for that! I have Youtube!
Richard hangs his head in shame as the Price Is Right Loser Horn plays.
THE END
Mr. Birchum
fanfic title:
Drop The Mickey
by Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
One sunny LA afternoon, it was the last day of school for Teddy Roosevelt Junior High. Richard Birchum the woods teacher along with his lifelong friend Don Gage who is also a teacher there. Who teaches Auto Shop. Both men are walking out to the parking lot. Contemplating what a great school year they have teached.
Richard: I gotta say, sometimes I hate summer. I wish this place an be an all year around school.
Gage: Yeah, I know what you mean. I haven't a clue what I am going to do this summer. At first it's boring, then I begin to find things.
Richard: Wish I had the ability to do that!
Elliot Karponzi runs up to them.
Richard: (rolls eyes): Oh great! Here comes Mr Dope on A Woke.
Karponzi: Hey, y'all. Before you all go home Principal Pam wants to have a word with us.
Gage: Okay, let's see what she wants.
Richard: Hopefully I'll get to teach summer school.
Karponzi: That would be like you, wouldn't it? You power crazy narc!
Gage, Richard, and Karponzi all walk to Principal Pam Bortle's office. Once they all get there. Pam tells them she has a oppornuity for the three of them.
Pam Bortle: Gentlemen....
Karponzi: Hey! Don't call me gentleman! I indenitify as....
Pam Bortle: Okay, okay. Settle down. Gentleman. (looks at Karponzi) And THEY.
Karponzi: That's better! (Grins)
Pam Bortle: I want you three to chaperone my son's frat party this weekend.
Gage: Sure we accept.
Karponzi: I'll be happy to do that. These frat boys can learn a thing or two about the horrors of Toxic Musculinity!
Pam Bortle: No this has nothing to do with politics. I just want you three to be sure be son and his frat stays out of trouble.
Richard: Count me in! If anyone knows how to straighten things out, it's me! I know how rowdy frat parties can get.
Gage: Would you like us to make sure there's no drinking or drugs.
Pam Bortle: Correct. Besides, even though my son is in college now. I somehow still don't trust him in that frat he's in.
Richard: Where is this party?
Pam Bortle: It's at Pepperdine.
Richard: We know where that is.
Gage: Before we go, we should tell our families what we are doing.
Richard: Exactly as I intend to.
Gage, Richard, and Karponzi all go home. Lurking in the bushes there was a mysterious person that has it's eyes on Karponzi.
Scene 2:
When Richard came home, he was having dinner with his family. Wendi, Eddie, and Jeannie were at the table.
Richard: Good dinner, Wendi.
Wendi: You're very welcome. (turns to Eddie): Eddie, can you help with the dishes?
Eddie (annoyed): What is it with you and wanting help with the dishes? First it's me wanting to warm up for dinner in the microwave and now it's dishes!
Wendi: You have to pull your weight around here too! Furthermore I'm a human being, and I have needs!
Eddie: Yeah, so did the Elephant Man! (rolls eyes)
Getting up from his seat, Wendi was done with her dinner. Eddie picked up her plates and washed them all.
Jeannie: Hey, dad. Did you hear about that new Lumber Store that opened.
Richard: Yes I did.
Jeannie: Can we go there this weekend?
Richard: I'm afraid I can't.
Jeannie: Why? I was so looking forward to going.
Richard: Pam Bortle wants me, Gage, and (shudders) Karponzi to chaperone a frat party her son is having.
Eddie: Frat parties? Who needs those. When you can just stay home and game?
Wendi: Did you accept?
Richard: Yes I did.
Jeannie: How long will the frat party go on?
Richard: It's this Saturday.
Jeannie: Shit. That's when the Lumber Store has it's Grand Opening!
Richard: We'll go Sunday. Besides, everyday will be Saturday what with summer vacation coming.
Jeannie (sigh): I suppose you're right.
Wendi: Did you see the commercial for it? Reminded me of that one from I Heart Huckabees.
Eddie: It's on every commercial break. Almost as obnoxious as those Balance Of Nature commercials!
Richard: Well it's settled.
Wendi: Where is this frat party?
Richard: It's in Pepperdine.
Wendi: That's not too far. Good luck.
When the Birchum family finished their dinner, they did their usual things for the rest of the day and went to bed.
Scene 3:
Saturday was here. Richard, Karponzi, and Gage have arrived at Pepperdine.
Richard: Well this is it.
Gage: We ready for this?
Karponzi: If Hans Solo is ready for anything so am I!
Richard, Gage, and Karponzi all walked inside Pepperdine to look for the frat party. Outside Pepperdine, a mysterious man disguises himself as a college student and walks inside. Then he spots Karponzi, Richard, and Gage.
Man: Excuse me, sirs?
Karponzi (frustrated groan): Why do people forgot about pronouns!
Richard: Never mind him, what do you want to ask us?
Man: Are you guys headed for a frat party by any chance?
Gage: Yes we are. We're chaperones.
Man: You've come to the right place. I know where it is!
The mysterious man dressed as a college student leads Richard, Gage, and Karponzi to the frat party where they are greeted by Pam Bortle's son, Roy.
Roy: Mr. Birchum! Is that you? My old woods teacher?!
Richard: Yes it is!
Roy: Do you remember me.
Richard: You bet I do. You were my star student!
Roy: I bet my Mom sent you here to make sure we don't do any hanky panky.
Gage: You guessed right.
Roy: And Gage! You were awesome too!
Karponzi: I never knew this man. Maybe that's a good thing.
Richard: OKay, first things first. We are just going to have a normal party. You can have fun without alcohol, prostitutes, or whatever other bad illegal thing college students do.
Roy: (laughs): He hasn't changed a bit. We have no intentions of doing that, do we?
Frat Brothers: NNNOOO!
Gage: Let's get the party started and keep it clean!
Frat Brothers: YEAH!
Roy: Exactly! We need to prove a point to my Mom that we don't get all rambunctious! ANd out of respect for Mr Birchum!
As the party goes on. Richard, Gage, and Karponzi were very pleased of how they monitored the frat party without it getting out of control. There was music, dancing, and frat boys going wild. Playing all the hit songs from 2024. Hozier's Too Sweet plays.
Richard: Oh fuck! Not that stupid Too Sweet again.
Gage: To each their own. Certainly not my taste in music.
Richard: Most overrated song of 2024!
Karponzi: This party has male privilege written all over it. Isn't there even a black guy in this frat?
Richard and Gage ignore Karponzi's remarks. Roy offers everyone some drinks.
Roy: Who wants some Hi-C?
Frat Brothers: YEAH!
Karponzi: More like sugary drinks that rot the brain and cause diabetes.
Gage: This is nothing like those college movies.
Richard: Far cry from Revenge of The Nerds or Grown Ups 2.
As Richard, Gage, Roy, and the frat brothers were gathering around for drinks. The mysterious man from before walks up to Karponzi offering him a drink. Before he offered the drink, he put a Mickey Finn in it, discreetly.
Man: Drink?
Karponzi: What is it?
Man: Just plain water.
Karponzi: Okay, I'll take it.
Man: When you're done there go to the store and get some more Hi-C.
Karponzi: If you say so.
Once Karponzi was done with his drink. He walked out of Pepperdine and staggered down the street.
Richard: Who wants to play Monopoly!
Gage: A fan favorite!
Roy: My mom will be pleased to know we're not getting wacky!
Man (over phone): We got him! He was easy to catch!
As Richard and Gage continued to chaperone the frat party. Karponzi stopped for a while and noticed his surroundings were going in circles.
Karponzi: Something in the water....why do I feel this way?
Growing sicker by the minute. Karponzi sees a car coming toward him.
Karponzi: Taxi! Taxi!
Before he knew it, Karponzi was snatched by the people inside the car.
Karponzi: What the fucking hell is THIS!
Distorted Voice: The Apocalypse is coming! Come! You'll thank us later!
The mysterious man from before also jumps into the car. Putting a bag over Karponzi's head. The car speeds away. Still chaperoning the party, Richard and Gage had no clue that Karponzi has been abducted.
Scene 4:
The frat party was over. Roy shows out Richard and Gage.
Roy: Goodbye! Thank you for helping me prove to my Mom I can party responsibly!
Richard: Anytime! It was our pleasure!
Gage: Focus on your studies.
Heading out of Pepperdine. Richard and Gage were ready to head back home.
Richard: Wow that almost felt like being a teacher!
Gage: I know right.
Richard: I think we did a better job than Karponzi! Isn't that right, Karponzi?
Gage (looking around in panic): I think he's gone.
Richard: That PC Police son of a whore was with us a while ago.
Gage: Maybe he's trying to pull something on us.
Richard and Gage frantically search around for Karponzi and come up short.
Gage: It's like he disappeared.
Richard: Even though we don't like him, the school board will have our asses on a platter if he's gone missing.
Gage: Pam Bortle will fire us.
Richard: We can't let that happen.
Gage: What do you think we should do?
Richard: There's only one thing to do. File a missing persons report.
Gage and Richard drive to nearest pay phone. Richard calls Wendi.
Richard: Wendi. Bring the family here. Yes, even Eddie! I need your help. I'll explain on the way.
Gage and Richard drive home first and then Richard brings his family to the police station.
Scene 5:
At the LA County Police Station. Richard, Gage, Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie were all there for support.
Richard: Thank you for helping me out like this.
Wendi: Always. That's what family does.
Jeannie: We wouldn't miss it for the world!
Eddie: I have to be here instead of The Youtube awards?
Wendi: Well, think of it this way. Why not use social media for a good cause. Like bringing Karponzi back home.
Eddie: Hmmm, guess you're right.
A female bailiff walks into the room she calls Richard and Gage back. Tensions were rising as Richard and Gages were walking into the interrogating room to file a missing persons report on Karponzi.
Gage: What if they suspect us?
Richard: They won't. Neither of us have a prior criminal record.
Gage: That doesn't matter. We might get sent to a prison like the one in Death Warrant.
Richard: That was the movies, this is real.
Gage and Richard are in the interrogation room. Two policemen walk inside. Their names are Officer Upps and Officer Downs.
Officer Upps: Good day. Pleased to meet you, I am officer Oliver Upps.
Officer Downs: And I'm Officer Stanley Downs. Have a seat.
Richard and Gage both sit at the table.
Officer Upps: What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
Richard: I'll start. We're all teachers at Teddy Roosevelt Junior High. I'm a woods teacher and my friend is an auto shop teacher. We were asked by our Principal Pam Bortle to chaperone a frat party.
Officer Downs: Okay, what happened next?
Gage: Another teacher came with us, Elliot Karponzi.
Officer Upps: Oh yes. We know who he is. We arrested him for protesting against burning down a tree in Griffith Park.
Officer Downs: What happened next?
Richard: After the party was over, we noticed he was gone.
Gage: He wasn't with us. We assumed he was.
Officer Upps: Hmm, this sounds suspicious...
Gage: (under his breath): I knew it.
Officer Upps: You made him disappear didn't you?
Gage: WHAT?! How could you even say that?
Officer Downs: When we arrested him last time he kept complaining about how stuck in the past conservative you guys.
Richard: Oh come on! You really think we have the power to make him disappear?
Officer Upps: I recall he said you guys were rivals...
Gage: Look, we never liked the guy. But if we don't bring him back we might get fired and...
Officer Downs (points his finger in the air): Rival teachers with liberal political views can be very annoying!
Richard: Look! I'm willing to do anything here for you guys to stop treating us like suspects.
Officer Upps: OKay, fine. We'll all go to Pepperdine. We'll check out the security cameras.
Richard: OKay, it's a deal.
Officer Upps and Downs agree to the deal. Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie come along as well. While arriving at Pepperdine. Wendi, Eddie, and Jeannie stood by. Eddie recorded himself on his iPhone.
Eddie: Attention fellow gamers! This is Eddie Birchum! One of the teachers my Dad works for has gone missing! His, I mean Their name is Elliot Karponzi. Heres his picture. (shows a picture of Karponzi on his iPhone) if anyone out there in the greater Los Angeles area has seen Elliot Karponzi, please call Crime Stoppers!
Wendi: Wow, Eddie! That was amazing!
Jeannie: It is. You can be a crime reporter for Dateline or something like that.
After hours of investigation. Officers Upps and Downs come out with Gage and Richard.
Officer Downs: We're sorry we doubted you guys.
Officer Upps: You were telling the truth all along.
Richard: What is your take on this?
Officer Upps: We are dealing with a kidnapping.
Gage: Who do you think did it?
Officer Downs: According to the security camera. They look like members from the Doomsday Cult we've been after called The Order of the New Dawn.
Gage: How come you were never able to catch them before?
Officer Upps: They keep eluding us! That's why
Richard: What do we do now?
Officer Upps: We're going to track them down but we'll need your help. Both of you.
Gage: Will have have to go undercover.
Officer Downs: I'm afraid so.
Richard and Gage agree to go undercover to rescue Karponzi.
Scene 6:
Locked away in a dark room. Karponzi wakes up to unfamiliar surroundings.
Karponzi: What is this place?
The man from the frat party who disguised himself as a college student walks up to Karponzi.
Karponzi: What the fuck is all this!
Man: Welcome to the The Order of the New Dawn. My name is Dark Crystal.
Karponzi: Dark Crystal? Like in that movie.....Oh, and Uhhh (nervous laugh) that's really awesome for a man like you to be brave enough to use a female name!
Dark Crystal: SILENCE!!!! We don't talk about movies around here. This is a technology, social media, television free society we live in. We all dedicate our lives to me! Th almighty God, and Jesus! We brought you here so we can protect you from the apocalypse which is happening right now.
Karponzi: Hey! I'll have you know that I am an atheist and I do not believe in that Bible bullshit!
Dark Crystal (slaps Karponzi): Shut up! We can use a man like you....
Karponzi: I am not a man! Are you aware that there are 26 genders? I idenitfy as a non binary.....
Dark Crystal: Sorry, we don't do that fucking woke culture crap here.
Karponzi: Hey wait a minute. You're that guy from the frat party! I bet you drugged my water drink on me. That's why I felt so disoriented when you sent me to get some Hi-C.
Dark Crystal: That's exactly correct. Whoever we seek, we stalk. We use the term Drop The Mickey when we slip a Mickey Finn if we want to force someone into our cult. Now I will break your spirit and make you forget all about woke culture, worship Christ the Lord and appreciate how we all saved you from the Rapture! You will spend the rest of your life dedicating your life to me!
Karponzi finds himself being dragged away by all the other members of the Order of The New Dawn and thrown into a room full of rotting fish.
Dark Crystal: You're probably wondering about the rotting fish. You will cut and gut them all!
Karponzi: How many of them are there?
Dark Crystal: Millions and millions! GET TO WORK! (throws a knife at Karponzi)
Karponzi: Who does this shitface think I am? That butcher from Hannibal Rising?
Dark Crystal: HEY! We heard you in there! Start gutting the FISH!
Karponzi: Why did a bunch of Christians have to kidnap me? Why couldn't I have been abdcuted by CHOP back in 2020 instead? I'd be much better off there....
Scene 7:
Officers Upps and Downs were driving Richard and Gage to the hideout where the Order Of The New Dawn were located. Wendi, Jeannie, and Eddie come along with them. Everyone except the officers steps out of the vehicles.
Eddie (on his iPhone): This is Eddie Brichum reporting to you live....
Wendi (to Jeannie): Wow, he really has a knack for this crime reporting stuff.
Jeannie (to Wendi): He's a natural at it. Maybe he'll move out and go to college.
Officer Upps and Downs have wiring on Richard and Gage.
Officer Downs: Everything is all ready to go. You must enter inside the cult and pretend you want to join.
Richard: We won't let you down. I'm a believer of the Back The Blue! (salutes)
Officer Downs: I can tell you are!
Officer Upps: We're counting on you both.
Gage and Richard exit the vehicle.
Richard: This is kind of exciting hey?
Gage: I know! This is like a real life Lethal Weapon! I'm Danny Glover! And you're Mel Gibson!
Richard: Unlike them we're not too old for this shit!
Gage and Richard laugh.
Richard: Okay, let's be serious now, our fucking jobs are on the line here.
Going inside the hideout, Richard and Gage are meet by the leader Dark Crystal.
Dark Crystal: Hello. Welcome to the Order of The New Dawn. What may I do for you?
Richard: Uhhh, we hear you're looking for a few good members!
Member: Should we drop the Mickey on them?
Dark Crystal: That won't be nessessary! You're in!
Richard: YES! Oh boy! A cult!
Gage: Yes! Yes! Cults are fun!
Dark Crystal lets in both Gage and Richard.
Scene 8:
Dark Crystal shows Richard and Gage around.
Richard: So this is the Order Of The New Dawn, hey?
Gage: We love what you did with the place!
Dark Crystal: You're very lucky to have come here. The apocalypse is happening outside.
Gage: Oh yes! We had to fight off demons before we got here!
Richard: It wasn't easy that's for sure!
Dark Crystal: Now if you guys want to join us, you have to have your spirits broken.
Gage: Okay! What do we have to do?
Dark Crystal: Come with us.
Richard and Gage were being lead by Dark Crystal and all the other members of the Order of The New Dawn and before Richard and Gage can do anything else, they are thrown into the same room with rotting fish as Karponzi.
Dark Crystal: You two will gut these fish!
Richard and Gage startle as the door slams behind them. Karponzi was shocked to see them.
Karponzi: They got you too hey? That was the same man who made me get Hi-C and drugged me.
Gage: No way! Really?
Karponzi: Yes he did. Now shut up and help me cut these fish!
Richard and Gage gut the fish along with Karponzi.
Scene 9:
Officers Upps and Downs were watching the whole thing in the vehicle on a monitor.
Wendi: Oh no. Now they're prisoners too?
Officer Upps: That's what we want to happen.
Jeannie: When will they be rescued?
Officer Downs: Oh, we'll know. Trust us.
Eddie (on his Iphone): A shocking turn of events has occurred......now my dad Richard and his friend Gage.....
Inside the hideout of the Order Of The New Dawn, Richard, Karponzi and Gage were gutting the rotting fish to 'break their spirit.'
Karponzi: I fucking hate this.
Richard: What are you complaining about! I love gutting fish!
Gage: Besides, the fish are dead. It's not like they're going to scream in agony. Anyway, There's something we have to tell you.
Richard: Gotta promise to keep it a secret okay? Tell him Gage.
Gage: We're on an undercover mission from the police.
Richard: Yes, he's right. We're here to rescue you.
Karponzi: WHAT? Rescue me? I thought you guys hated me.
Gage: You're a teacher who works at our school so in a way we actually do care about you.
Karponzi: Oh no! I won't stand for this! I refuse to be rescued by a couple of right wing lunatics, and working for pigs like the police? In fact I'll rescue myself!
Richard and Gage watch as they try to stop Karponzi from running away.
Scene 10:
Richard and Gage fail at trying to stop Karponzi from escaping.
Gage: Wait! Stop! Don't go!
Richard: It's no use.
Gage: There's no stopping him now.
Richard: We're undercover. We got the police on our side.
Karponzi (out of the room): Now you listen to me you Order Of The New Dawn ass-fuckers! I am completely fed up with....
Member: Sir! Sir! Our prisoner has gone rogue!
Dark Crystal: Give him another Mickey!
Member: Yes sir!
Back in the vechicle, Officers Upps and Downs watch as Karponzi is being drugged again.
Wendi: Oh no! Poor Elliot!
Jeannie: Is this the part where you all try to stop this all?
Officer Upps: Yes, now is our time to move!
Officer Downs: Let's go!
Richard and Gage sneak out of the room with the rotting fish. They watch as Dark Crystal forces another spiked drink with Mickey on Karponzi.
Dark Crystal (to the members): Let this all be a lesson to each and every one of you! If you try to escape or if you disobey me in any way! THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU! You will get the Mickey! (points to the members)
Richard (laughs softly): This is kind of satistfying!
Officers Upps and Downs break into the Order Of The New Dawn hideout.
Officer Downs: This is the police! You're all under arrest!
Richard: HA! You all got Punk'd motherfuckers!
Gage: And there is no apocalypse, there never was an apocalyse, and there will never BE AN APOCALYSE!
Officer Upps: Thank you so much gentlemen for helping us out.
Richard: Look me after if you ever want to go on another undercover mission!
Officer Downs: We'll do. But first we have a cult to apprehend!
When the cops came to check on Karponzi, he was comatose. Officers Downs checks on Karponzi.
Officer Downs: We need an ambulance!
Eddie (on his Iphone): Thanks to my dad, the cops, and his friend Don Gage. The cult has been arrested! More up to date news later!
The Order Of The Dawn was now a thing of the past. Dark Crystal and it's many members will face years and years in prison. Richard and Gage were both rewarded with medals for their efforts.
Scene 11 Conclusion:
At Cedars Sinai Hospital. Richard, Wendi, Jeannie, and Gage were all visiting the now comatose Karponzi. A doctor walks in.
Wendi: Is he...I mean, are they going to be okay?
Doctor: Yes, he's going to be fine. His system was filled with the Mickey Fin drug. After we clean it out of his system. He'll be out in a week.
Richard: You would not believe the sicko obsession Order Of The New Dawn had with the Mickey Finn drug!
Jeannie: Thank you, doctor. (To Richard): You're an even bigger hero in my eyes than you ever were before.
Richard: Wow, thank you Jeannie. Before we go home we'll go to that New Lumber store that's opened!
Jeannie: YES! I'M THERE!
Gage: We were really brave back there, weren't we?
Richard: Wish we could've used our shop and auto tools on them! We really would've showed them what for!
Pam Bortle (Walks into hospital room): Well, congratulations, Richard Birchum and Don Gage!
Gage: Hey, how do you know about all this?
Pam Bortle: Social media? Where else? Anyway, for helping saving Karponzi from that spooky cult, I am renewing your all three of your jobs for another 10 years!
Gage: Really! Wow! That's an honor!
Richard: Even Karponzi?
Pam Bortle: Yes even him! See you guys in the fall!
Richard: Thank you. (yells) How in the fuck did our endevor about helping the police take down that cult end up on social fucking media!
Wendi: I think I might know.....
Eddie (coming out of a bathroom in the hosptial room) That's a question you'll have to ask me, Dad!
Richard: What did you have to do with any of this?
Eddie: Didn't Mom tell you yet? I record crimes. I'm a crime reporter now. I'm a hit on my Youtube channel with your undercover sting! Also, I made a wad of cash because of it!
Richard: You want to be a crime reporter hey? Then maybe you can get off your ass, and go straight to Journalism School and finally leave home!
Eddie: Oh no. I don't need college for that! I have Youtube!
Richard hangs his head in shame as the Price Is Right Loser Horn plays.
THE END
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