Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Into The Orbit
0 reviewsKevin gets an opportunity to be a space camp counseler in central Florida. The Paradise PD decide to visit Kevin who gives them a tour. Only to end up in a space shuttle.
0Unrated
My season premiere fanfic! If you thought 2024 was an exciting year for Paradise PD, wait'll see what is in store for 2025!
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
Into The Orbit
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Running to the mailbox on a Friday afternoon. Kevin Crawford looks inside and sees an invitation letter that he's been waiting a long time for.
Kevin: YES! YES! YES! SCORE ONE FOR ME! I GOT IN! Wait'll I tell all my friends!
After reading the letter, Kevin begins to do a song and dance.
Kevin (singing): I'm Hired! I'm Hired! I Hope I Don't Get Fired! In 40 Years I I'll Be Retired! But For Now I'm Hired!
Walking out of their house, Randall sees Kevin do a dance on the front lawn.
Randall: What is that sack of shit up to now?
Kevin (singing): I Got A Job Today! I'm Going To Florida Away!
Randall: All right cut the cheese there, Kevin! Before you embarrass the neighborhood!
Kevin: AAAHHHH! Oh hey Dad! I didn't see you were there.
Randall: Whats gotten you so excited?
Kevin (shows Randall a letter): This!
Randall takes the letter Kevin received and reads it.
Kevin: I got accepted to be a camp counseler at a space camp in Florida! What do you think?
Randall: Well, I gotta say, Kevin. This is one of your teenage dreams you always chased around. How long will you be gone?
Kevin: For about a month.
Randall: OKay, you can go. Until then I'll get a replacement for you.
Kevin: Wow! Thanks Dad!
Randall: Only under one condition.
Kevin: Name it!
Randall: Me, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley come visit you on the day before last day there. Got it?
Kevin: Deal!
Randall: How are you going to get there?
Kevin: The camp has already paid for the transportation for me to go there. Which should be coming about.....
Randall and Kevin both see a bus running down the street and stopping at the Crawford house.
Kevin: Now!
Running inside to pack all his belongings, Kevin comes out with a suitcase and happily boards the Groundhound Bus to Florida.
Kevin: Bye Dad! See you in a month!
Randall: You good riddance you fucking little ball destroyer! I hope a Sweet Hereafter thing happens to you on the way there.
Scene 2:
The next day at Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall announces to his fellow squad members that Kevin will be gone for a month.
Randall: My son Kevin has gone to some Florida Space Camp to be a counseler.
Dusty: When is he going to come back?
Randall: In a month. But the day before his last day we're going to pay him a visit.
Gina: What will we do while he's gone?
Bullet: Gina's got a point. What're we going to do without our favorite ginger punching bag?
Randall: We get a replacement! So that's why I'm putting, (points to Stanley) YOU STANLEY!
Stanley: Uh, wha...wha...wah.....what!?!!
Randall: Go out there and find a temporary replacement for Kevin!
Stanley: OKay! Last time I found a replacement I was James Garner's stunt double for Support Your Local Sheriff!
Doing what Randall said, Stanley goes out to find a replacement officer for Kevin while he was away.
Bullet: This is going to end in disaster. Sending Stanley out to find someone.
Gina: You're telling me, Bullet. We might as well bring Blackie Chan back from the dead.
Dusty: Or Thester Carbomb! (laughs)
Randall: Uhhh, Florida. Ever since last fall when we were stationed there after Hurricane Milton hit. Kevin has had stars in his eyes when we passed that space camp on the way back.
A knock was heard at the door. Bullet answers it and it was Robbie and Delbert.
Bullet: What the fuck do you two want?
Robbie: We're here you're looking for a replacement for Kevin!
Delbert: How about two replacements? A Few Good Men?
Gina (runs up to the door): Stand back, Bullet, I'll handle this! (yells at Robbie and Delbert): No! We are not accepting hicks on our police force!
As Robbie and Delbert ran away scared at Gina's wrath. Stanley comes back with a replacement.
Stanley: Hey everyone! I found someone! You won't believe who it is!
Coming from behind Stanley, the replacement for Kevin was none other than Prop Cop! Much to the shock and dismay of the Paradise PD.
Dusty: Holy fuck! HIM!
Bullet: Oh no! Anyone but him!
Gina: I thought he was dead!
Randall: I did too!
Stanley: Turns out he survived when Kingpin Fitz killed him in that circus. He has super PTSD though!
Prop Cop: After two years in a mental institution, I made a comeback! (holds a cup of sperm and pours it on his back) Now I am the bees knees! (pulls up his pants that show two bumble bee plushies)
Scene 3:
A Caption Reads: One Month Later.
One of the Paradise PD squad cars abruptly stops at a nearby forest. Coming out of the car, Randall drags Prop Cop by the hand. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley were behind Randall. Randall slams Prop Cop's body into a tree.
Randall: What the fuck was that! You call that busting crooks?!?!?!
Bullet: That was one of the worst methods of crime fighting I've ever seen!
Dusty: I miss Kevin. Wish he were back.
Gina: One big huge ass blunder hiring this bungling twat waffle! (looks at Stanley)
Stanley: Hey? Why are you looking at ME for? He was the only one I can find!
Randall: SHUT UP! (screams at Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina)
Bullet: Who?
Randall: ALL OF YOU! I'll do the berating around here!
Prop Cop: Look, I understand you're upset with me but....I bust crooks with comedy!!!!
Randall: For the past month or so, your 'comedy' methods have almost got us KILLED!!!!! (pushes Prop Cop into the ground)
Prop Cop: OKay, I'll try something else! Idioms! How's this!
Dusty: Don't even think about it! Nobody here thinks you're funny! Not even me! Although I DO love to laugh at childish humor!
Ignoring the rants against him, Prop Cop does his comedic schitck anyway. Prop Cop grabs a bird from a tree and pulls out two bushes.
Prop Cop: A Bird In A Hand Is Worth Two In a Bush!
Randall, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley all stare in Prop Cop with fury in their eyes.
Prop Cop: Let's try some Shakespare. (sees a goose and chases it): Wild Goose Chase!
Reaching into his pocket, Prop Cop takes out a green marker and colors it over his eyes.
Prop Cop: Green Eyed Monster! Oooh! Oooh! Here's another one!
Reaching into another pocket, Prop Cop takes out a jar of pickles.
Prop Cop: We're all in a pickle! Oooh Oooh! How about this.....
Reaching into his back pocket, Prop Cop gets out a Berlitz Greek Language Book.
Prop Cop: It's all Greek To Me!
Crickets chirping in the distance.
Bullet: Should we kick his ass?
Randall: No, he's not fucking with it! YOU'RE FIRED! PROP COP! YOU'RE FIRED! AND DON'T EVER STEP FOOT IN PARADISE PD AGAIN!
Still continued with his comedy routine as Randall, Dusty, Bullet, Stanley, and Gina all walk out of the forest and leave Prop Cop behind. After a while, still trying to win them back, Prop Cop finds himself reaching for a scapel and cuts himself alive
Prop Cop: OOOOOHHH! That's hurts! Look at this you guys! (takes out his heart and puts it on his shirt sleeve): I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Using the scapel once more, Prop Cop cuts himself from head and toe.
Prop Cop: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! Get a load of this! I'm turning myself inside out!
Literally turning himself inside out. Prop Cop jumps around until he passes out.
Prop Cop (in a sing-song voice): I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out......
Walking back to the Paradise PD patrol car Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Stanley, and Gina all go inside and drive away from the forest.
Dusty: You know, it's been a month since Kevin went to Space Camp. Want to go get him?
Randall: Oh shit! Totally forgot! (gruffs at Dusty): I'm glad you reminded me!
Dusty: Sheesh! Didn't have to be like THAT about it!
Bullet: So, who's up for going to Florida!
Gina: Sure I'll go.
Stanley: Florida! Last time I was there I had a secret love affair with Mercury Morris!
Bullet: Wonder what strippers wear in Florida?
Dusty: Florida it is! After all, we did promise to visit Kevin on the day before his last day there.
Randall drives the Paradise PD Patrol Car to Central Florida. Taking three and a half hours to get there. The Paradise PD finally arrived at the Space Camp in Orlando where Kevin is.
Scene 4:
At Lovely Corp, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were walking around a newly built train station. They were impressed by the layout!
Zeta: Woah! This train station is awesome!
Fitz: Here in this train station, there will be no 'One Toke Over The Line'!
Brett DeMarco: All the money we put into this, worth it!
Fitz: Yes just think of all the evil schemes we can pull against the people of Paradise with this!
Zeta: Going on train ride with you two will be way better than with my family. The only train they took me on was one from a cheap kiddie theme park.
Brett DeMarco sees an oncoming train.
Fitz: Well will you look at that! Somebody is already using our train service.
The train stopped where Fitz, Zeta, and Brett were standing. Out came some jesters that targeted and surrounded Fitz, Brett, and Zeta. Fitz looked at the jesters with fury in his eyes.
Brett DeMarco: Uhhh, why are you looking at them like that?
Fitz: Because I fucking hate Jesters!
Jester #1: Hello, my name is Punchline!
Jester #2: And my name is Wisecrack.
Zeta: What do you guys want with us?
Punchline: We just got off your Lovely Corp train. We're looking for some people to help us.
Fitz: Go find someplace else! And someone else!
Wisecrack: But we chose you because we really need your help. You see, we work for an evil organization too. And we want you guys to join in our case.
Brett DeMarco: What is the name of your organization? Rejected Game Of Thrones Characters?
Punchline: We're the Jester Secret Agents.
Zeta: The what?
Punchline: The Jester Secret Agents!
Zeta: More like the Amazing Secret Agent Circus!
Shoving Fitz and Brett DeMarco on the train. Punchline and Wisecrack leave behind Zeta.
Fitz: Hey! You left behind our adopted daughter!
Brett DeMarco: She's important to us!
Wisecrack: Well she's not going to get involved!
Punchline: We don't need her, we need you guys only!
As the train departs with the Jester Secret Agents taking Fitz and Brett DeMarco. Zeta is crying that she was left behind.
Zeta: Oh no! Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett are in trouble. And those Jesters kicked me out. What'll I do?
Looking into her backpack. Zeta finds a phone number with a piece of paper on it that reads IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY CALL FRANK FLIPPERFIST OR PEDRO POOPTOOTH AT 1-800-LOVELY-CORP.
Zeta: That's it! Those other Legion of DOOOOM people can help me! So all is not lost.
Going to her iPhone Zeta calls Frank and Pedro.
Scene 5:
Arriving in Orlando after a long road trip. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley have reached the space camp. It ws called Orbitopia Space Camp. With a sign that says, "Where we launch dreams, not just rockets!"
Kevin: Dad! Bullet! Gina! Stanley! Dusty! Good to see you guys! Welcome to Orbitopia! I've always learned so much in a month and I am eager to share with you!
Randall: We drove here for three hours. So don't make us feel we wasted our time coming here to visit you!
Dusty: That's right. We just had a (sings) 'three hour tour'! (laughs) Get it? That's a Gilligan's Island reference!
Stanley: Russell Johnson sure knew how to give good head!
Gina: So, Kevin! Show us around. What is Space Camp like?
Kevin: Dusty talked about tours a while ago, so allow me to show you all around!
Leading the way, Kevin shows his fellow officers around Space Camp. First on the tour was a class room.
Kevin: This is the classroom where we teach the kids the tricks of the trade!
Randall: Where are all the kids?
Kevin: Today is my last day. So they left and went home.
Randall: You must've not been a very good counseler to them.
Leading the way, Kevin shows them to a space training room. It looked like an indoor amusement park.
Kevin: Here, kids gets to experience how the astronaunts get trained for space!
Gina: Teh! This place is broke ass compared to the Kennedy Space Center.
Dusty: Oooooh! I'm so jealous! This makes me wish I had gone to Space Camp when I was little!
Kevin: Here is a pool where we show kids what it's like in space!
The pool looked like a shallow above ground pool that is found in a backyard.
Dusty: Ooooh! This looks like fun! Now I really wished I could've gone to space camp!
A space shuttle was outside the camp along with a launching pad.
Randall (sees a space shuttle): What's a space shuttle doing here? Like Gina says, this place is broke ass and yet it has a space shuttle? I thought all the space shuttles were decommisioned.
Kevin: What I learned here is we like to keep one space craft ready so in the event when a satelite needs when there's a space station emegency.
Gina: You sure know the ropes around here Kevin!
Stanley: One Huge Step For Men. One Small Leap For Mankind. Or whatever the hell they said back then...
Walking over to a door Bullet sees a sign that reads "Sensory Deprivation Chamber"
Bullet (sees a door): What's this place, Kevin.
Kevin: This is an anti gravity room. Want to see it!
Randall: Hey Bullet! Try this with me!
Bullet: Okay, sure!
Dusty: Wait up for me!
Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all go into the Sensory Deprevation Chamber. The three of them scream like they're being tortured. Then Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all come out with their heads switched on their bodies. Bullet was on Dusty's head. Randall was on Bullet's head. Dusty was on Randall's head. Gina cracks up.
Dusty: Things so crazy so fucking fast!
Randall: We need to get our heads back on!
Bullet: No need for that. We'll be back to normal in the next scene.
Kevin: Okay, anything else?
A circular looking robot comes their way. Gina spots a robot.
Gina: What the fuck is he?
Kevin: Oh that's Jinx the Robot. He's the bully who picks on the kids! Don't mind him. He's just here for comic relief.
Jinx: You have something on your shirt! Bing!
Stanley: Why couldn't it have been a dirty robot?
Dusty: So, Kevin. Anything else you'd like to show us?
Kevin: I bet you all would like to see the inside of that space shuttle!
Gina: Sure! That's the reason why people visit these places.
Leading the way, Kevin climbs the steps to the launching pad and walks along with Randall, Gina, Bullet, Dusty, and Stanley to inside of the space shuttle.
Dusty (puffing out of breath): I can't keep up!
Randall: You're lucky we're not at Mt. Fanjing!
Bullet: That's a castle with 9000 stairs.
Finally reaching to the top. Kevin leads Randall, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley into the space shuttle.
Bullet: Wow. This could be the drugs talking. It all looks so real.
Kevin: Absoutely it is. OKay we've seen everything. Time to go back to Paradise and....
Stanley then gets mesmorized by a red button.
Dusty: Hey, Stanley. Why are you so engrossed by that red button?
Stanley: He's one of my favorite actors. But this one reminds me of The Crawling Hand!
Kevin: You were in that movie?
Dusty: I don't know what's he's talking about?
Gina: I know. It's a B Movie. In the beginning there was an astronaunt who exploded.
Stanley: And I played that astronuant. So I will push this button for all time sakes! (reaching for the button): Push The Red....Push The Red...
Randall: Kevin! Is this a real space shuttle.
Kevin: Yes, last I checked it is.
Dusty: Stanley! Don't push it!
Randall: Shit! We're fucked!
Ignoring Dusty, Stanley proceeds to push the red button
Bullet: Fuck! He's having a flashback! Worst than the ones I have after my drug binges!
Stanley: Push The Red....Push The Red! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Within seconds the space shuttle begins to launch sending the Paradise PD into space.
Dusty: SHIT! Looks like we're going to.....space!
Randall: Strap in everybody!
Kevin: Okay!
Dusty, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Randall all strap themselves into the seats of the space shuttle. Finding themselves being launched into space.
Kevin: I guess it's safe to say one thing. We're the first small town police force to get sent into space!
Scene 6:
The train hums along the tracks at high speed, the air tense as Fitz and Brett sit in uneasy silence, glaring at Punchline and Wisecrack.
Wisecrack: (grinning) Well, isn’t this a fine time! The wind in our hair, the thrill of a mission. I just love this kind of excitement!
Punchline: (laughing loudly) Yeah, you two sure do look like you’re having the time of your lives!
Fitz: (gritting his teeth) The time of my life? I’d rather be co-starring with Tom Hanks In Joe Vs The Volcano right now.
Brett DeMarco: (to Punchline and Wisecrack) So... this is the plan? Kidnap us, bring us to some clown we hate, and make us help you find a recipe for an Egg Salad Sandwich?
Wisecrack: (shrugging) Hey, sometimes you gotta get a little weird to win. It's called strategy.
Punchline: (eyeing Fitz, then lowering his voice) We’re not just after any recipe. It's the secret Egg Salad Sandwich recipe. You guys have no idea how much this means to us.
Fitz: (narrowing his eyes) You think we care about your sandwich problems?
Wisecrack: Oh, you’ll care soon enough. You’re in this for the long haul now.
Punchline: (snickers) Long haul, baby. Long haul.
The Lovely Corp Speed Train finally makes a stop and Wisecrack and Punchline lead Fitz and Brett to the hideout and go inside.
Fitz: (under his breath) This place reeks of shit ass failure.
Brett DeMarco: (rolling his eyes) This whole day reeks, man.
Wisecrack: (stepping off the train) Follow us. And don’t get any funny ideas.
Punchline: (grinning as he walks in front) We’ve got plans. Big plans.
Scene 7:
2 hours have passed since the Space Shuttle launched the Paradise PD into space. Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, Randall, and Kevin all find themselves floating around with no gravity. The space shuttle was orbiting around the Earth.
Bullet: Oh fuck! What am I going to do without my drugs! I want my fucking drug fix! Guess it's true what they say in those Alien movies. "In Space No One Can Hear You Scream!"
Gina: Stanley! You fucking old dried up sack of shits and twats! This is all your fault!
Stanley: Yeah, sure! Blame the old guy!
Kevin: You know this is a good time to put my skills into good use and...
Randall: You're just as useless as the rest of us here, Kevin. What we need is Mission Control from the Kennedy Space Center.
Gina: How are we going to get in touch with THEM?
Dusty: Hey will you all shut the fuck up! I'm using the Wifi to watch my favorite O'Hara US Treasury Episode! Where a bad guy shoots David Jansen with a water gun and says, "It's Not Water This Time Lover Boy!"
Randall: How exactly are you watching that long forgotten David Jannsen show?
Stanley: David Jannsen? I tried to give him a rimjob and he hit me over the head with a beer bottle! Great times!
Randall: Nobody's talking to you, Stanley! How are you watching...
Dusty: Okay, okay. You caught me. I have an iPhone! I bring it with me everywhere I go.
Kevin: Why didn't you tell us?
Dusty: Well I didn't think THIS would happen!
Randall: Well make use of it. Try to email the Kennedy Space Center's Mission Control.
Bullet: Typical Dusty everyone! Always comes through for us.....AT THE LAST MINUTE!
Dusty: OKay. All right. Settle down everyone. Maybe I can be the hero here!
Gina: Man, I bet we're a media sensation now! If we ever get back, people will be giggling their asses off at us. We'll be a laughingstock!
Dusty uses his Iphone to contact the Kennedy Space Center mission control via email. An hour and a half as passed, and Dusty gets no emails back.
Bullet: Dusty? Check your email? Any luck?
Dusty (looks at his email on his iphone): Sadly, no.
Kevin, Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley all groan is frustration.
Dusty: Say I know. Let's do something to pass the time!
Gina: Sure. I can try whatever. What do you suggest?
Dusty: Let's play Name That Sitcom Theme Song!
Kevin: I like it! Who's going to go first?
Dusty: Well me of course. I came up with it. What sitcom is this from? (singing): We Share It All As Life Goes On! We Share It All As Life Goes On!
Randall: Empty Nest!
Dusty: Correct!
Bullet (laughs): You used to watch Empty Nest? That was a spin off of Golden Girls you know.
Randall: Karen used to drive me nuts with it.
Dusty: OKay, up next. What sitcom is this from? (singing): Everyday That Passes Is Slower Than Mollasses. And You Can't Help But Smile, Lying In The Shade!
Gina: Ooooh! Dusty! Your singing is making my horny levels rise! Keep doing it!
Bullet: Evening Shade!
Dusty: Correct Bullet!
Bullet: Only people who live under a bridge don't remember Evening Shade!
Kevin: Hey, can I try it?
Dusty: OKay, I'll pass the torch over to you, Kevin.
Kevin: All right! Does anyone recognize this theme song? (singing): Triplets Born! The Throne Awaits! A Seer Warns Of A Deadly Fate......
Dusty: Kevin, we're doing sitcoms! Not those stupid ass Sonic The Hedgehog cartoons from DiC!
Kevin: Okay! Besides, I was never a sitcom type of person.
A radio on the space shuttle contacts the Paradise PD.
Radio Voice: Hello! Mission Control!
Randall: Yes finally!
Flying over to the radio, Randall grabs it.
Randall: Mayday! Mayday! We're stranded in space.
Radio Voice: We got your email.
Randall: Are you guys from the Kennedy Space Center.
Radio Voice: Yes we are. You guys were launched by accident at the Orbitopia Space Camp, is that correct.
Randall: Yes we were! (To Dusty): Maybe you're worth something after all, Dusty!
Dusty: Oh shucks! (giggles)
Radio Voice: Some guy named Randall Crawford emailed us.
Randall (under his breath): Why does Dusty always use my name?
Kevin: Hey, Dad? Why did you say that?
Randall (normal voice ignoring Kevin) Anyway, help us get the motherfucking hell off of this space shuttle!
Radio Voice: Don't worry. We are going to do everything we can to get your down.
Gina: Ask him if we're on the news.
Randall: Are we on the news?
Radio Voice: Back on Earth, you're all a huge media sensation!
Gina: I knew it!
On CBS Evening News John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois were reporting.
John Dickerson: It appears a small town Police Department was accidentally launched into space.
Maurice DuBois: That's right. I'm standing here at Orbitopia Space Camp....
Lester Holt: Good Evening, I'm Lester Holt! We begin our broadcast today about a small police force who's stuck in space on a shuttle....
David Muir: I'm David Muir. We begin our newscast with the Orbitopia Space Camp who for some reason has a space shuttle although it's very cheap ass from what I heard. A police force from Paradise Georgia is now stuck in it.
Scene 8:
Misson Control gives Randall some instructions. As the space shuttle with the Paradise PD inside was still orbiting around Earth.
Radio Voice: Okay. Stay calm everyone and listen closely..the ship is on autopilot and.....
The signal from Mission Control died down. Leaving the Paradise PD contemplating their fate.
Randall: God Dammit! The signal got lost!
Dusty: Oh cheese and taters! We're all going to lose oxygen and then going to die!
Kevin: Listen everyone! I can get us out of this. I know all about space and....
Randall: Yeah, from those Sci Fi documentaries. You think your knowledge of that is going to help at a time like this?
Kevin sees the controls on the space shuttle.
Dusty: We should listen to Kevin.
Bullet: Agree with this. We should give him a chance. Who else are we going to rely on, Ron Perlman?
Just as Bullet mentioned the actor, Ron Perlman jumps out of the walls of the space shuttle.
Ron Perlman: Did somebody call my name?!
Stanley: Fatty Arbuckle? Is that you!
Randall: Where the fuck did you come from Ron Perlman?
Ron Perlman: Sometimes Ron Perlman like to sneak aboard space shuttles for no apparent reason!
Bullet: You here to help us?
Ron Perlman: Yes! I am sending you back to Earth! At your service.
Kevin: If you know how to, show us. Nobody sure as shit doesn't want my help.
Alice In Chains Angry Chair begins to play. Ron Perlman flies over to the cockpit and tries to fly the space shuttlle but fails miserably.
Gina: Is there a problem? Thought you were going to help us?
Ron Perlman (cries): Ron Perlman don't know how to fly shuttle! (sobs)
Randall: Don't cry in space! Your tears will destroy everything!
Kevin: Don't worry, Ron! I'll assist you! Even us space camp counselers learn a thing or two about a thing or two!
Ron Perlman: Tell Ron Perlman everything!
As the space shuttle still orbits the Earth, Kevin looks over the controls.
Stanley: Hurry the fuck up! We're running out of time!
Gina: Oh Stanley! After all your suicide threats over the years you're as chicken shit as the rest of us!
Kevin: I got it! OKay, Ron Perlman. You can still hold onto the controls in the cockpit and do everything I say.....
Ron Perlman: Okay! Ron Perlman got it! Tell Ron Perlman what to do.....
Kevin: You need to counter forward momentum to retro rockets. (points to the retro rockets button) If we can use them now we can the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit!
Dusty: Kevin, if you think it can help try it!
Ron Perlman: Ron Perlman on standby here!
Kevin (presses the retro rockets button): All right. Hang on tight! Here we go!
WIth Ron Perlman at the controls and Kevin's quick thinking the space shuttle starts to slow down.
Gina: Yes! It's slowing down! It's working!
A sudden jolt sends the Paradise PD flying back to the end of the space shuttle. Now the space shuttle was spinning out of control.
Randall: See! This is why you don't trust Kevin! I'm not sure who I'm more mad at! Him or Ron Perlman!
The space shuttle was headed towards Earth with neverending spinning headed toward Earth as if it was going to crash.
Gina: Oh fuck! I'm going to end up in another 20 year coma!
Bullet: There are so many drugs I never got to take!
Dusty: I'll never be able to invest in my plan to bring back 1970s toys like Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow or J.J. Armes! You know, to get a whole new generation hooked!
Stanley: I never got to Wear It Better!
A clip shows Stanley in a TV Guide Who Wore It Better Article with Jessica Alba wearing an evening gown and Stanley wearing the same one.
Randall: Just realized something. I wanted to become supreme Police Chief and grow old with Karen!
Kevin: We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
Ron Perlman (still at the controls): Ron Perlman don't know what to do....
Kevin reaches for handles to make his way to the cockpit and makes it and takes control of the space shuttle. He shoves Ron Perlman out of the way.
Ron Perlman: HEY!
Kevin: Consider yourself my copilot now!
Taking the copilot seat, Kevin takes charge of the controls of the cockpit. Bullet, Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all strap themselves in.
Kevin: Fasten Your Seatbelts! It's Going To Be A Bumpy Ride!
Stanley: You tell 'em Bette Davis!
Dusty: Kevin! You're in a Wing and a Prayer!
Gina: What're you guys complaning about! This is awesome!
Bullet: This is better than any drug highs I've had!
Randall: You better not fuck up my penis by doing this. Remember what you did to my balls!
Ron Perlman: Ron Perlman demands to know what you are doing?!?!
Kevin: Saving our lives! The Space Camp I stayed at may be cheap. It gave all of us counselers and students alike a lot of knowledge!
A red sign blinked that reads Autopilot Engaged.
Bullet: Yes! No more fucking autopilot!
Gina: Yes! We're saved!
Kevin along with Ron Perlman were both at the controls as the space shuttle heads back to Earth. Everyone at Mission Control was watching the whole thing unfold.
Man: The stranded police crew have reentered the atmosphere!
Everyone at Mission Control cheered for the Paradise PD going back to Earth. The space shuttle lands with a parachute sticking out. A crowd of people along with fire department and amblances were waiting. One by one, Randall, Stanley, Gina, Bullet, and Kevin all exited the space shuttle. Dusty came out last but was now really long and tall.
Dusty: Wow! Look at me I lost weight and gained some height! Everyone can call me Dennis Rodman now.
As he walked down the stairs. Dusty's height went back to normal.
Dusty: Ahhh, who cares. I love being fat!
A newspaper article reads: SMALL TOWN COPS RESCUED FROM SPACE SHUTTLE! RON PERLMAN IS PISSED THAT HE WASN'T THE HERO.
Scene 9:
The door to the hideout slams shut behind them, and an eerie silence fills the air. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the voice of a man, who sounds eerily familiar.
Yakma The Ninja (aka Yucko the Clown in disguise): (in a gravelly Peter Lorre voice) Well, well, well... Look who we have here. The mighty Fitz and Brett DeMarco. And, uh, our precious egg salad-loving jesters. (laughs evilly)
Fitz: (eyes narrowing, clenching his fists) You. You’re him. You’re Yucko the Clown? I'll never forget what you did to me as a kid!!!!
Yakma aka Yucko shakes his head dramatically, slithering forward like a snake.
Yakma: (laughing sinisterly) No, no, no... I am Yakma, the true master of the Jester Secret Agents. Yucko was just a cover.
Punchline: (suddenly serious) That’s right. We are ninjas. We always were.
Wisecrack: (with a grin) Surprise! We’ve been waiting for the right time to reveal ourselves.
Fitz: (furiously) You two were ninjas the whole time?! This whole damn thing was a setup!
Brett DeMarco: (laughing cynically) This is exactly like one of those old spy movies... What the hell is next, a giant snake?
Yakma: (smiling darkly) You’re in for a real treat. (snaps his fingers and clears his throat) Somebody give me Halls Cough Drop! This Peter Lorre impression is fucking my ass up!
Suddenly, an enormous anaconda appears, slithering toward Fitz and Brett, who take a few steps back, shocked. A psychedelic sounding song plays when the snake comes towards them.
Brett DeMarco: (grinning nervously) Oh, great! I was hoping for a snake! Just what I needed today!
Fitz: (growling) You’ve gotta be kidding me!
Yakma (Yucko): (laughs softly) That’s right, my friends. Get ready for a slithering surprise. I’ll leave you to the snake.
As Punchline and Wisecrack were watching from a distance, Yakma and his henchmen left the room.
The anaconda moves towards Fitz and Brett. But suddenly, it makes a wrong turn—heading straight toward an exposed wire in the corner of the hideout.
Fitz: (eyes widening) Look out!
The snake gets tangled in the wires, and with a loud zap, it’s electrocuted, twitching and spasming on the floor.
Yakma (Yucko): (screaming from the distance) OOOOOOH SNAKE!!!!!
Meanwhile, outside the hideout, Zeta, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth are charging toward the entrance, ready to save the day.
Zeta: (with determination) We’re here to rescue them, guys! We’ve got this!
Frank Flipperfist: (grinning) No worries, kid. We’ll take care of this. Pedro, you got the gadgets?
Pedro Pooptooth: (pulls out a ridiculous assortment of gadgets) You bet! I’m ready to go! Let’s make sure this mission doesn’t end with any more ninjas, jesters, or whatever puto is around!
Frank, Zeta, and Pedro burst into the room, guns blazing and gadgets whizzing around.
Zeta: (with fire in her eyes) You’ve messed with the wrong family, Yakma!
Frank Flipperfist: (taking a shot with his gun) Enough with the ninjas, buddy!
Pedro Pooptooth: (whistling, a rope launcher flying out of his pocket to bind up one of the ninjas) Get ‘em, Frank!
In a flash of brilliant teamwork, Frank takes down Punchline and Wisecrack with expert precision, while Pedro traps the remaining ninjas in ropes and gadgets.
Zeta: (running to Fitz and Brett, helping them up) Don’t worry, you’re safe now!
Fitz: (catching his breath) That was way too close. We almost got turned into snake food.
Brett DeMarco: (dusting himself off) Yeah, I feel like I just lived through an old-school spy flick... What was that one with the agents who try to find an egg salad sandwich recipe?
Fitz: (scratching his head) Sounds like a plot from What’s Up Tiger Lily.
Brett DeMarco: (laughing) Exactly. An absurd, ridiculous, confusing mess of a day.
Zeta: (with a smile, crossing her arms) Yeah, well, we got you out of it! No jesters or snakes for you anymore.
Yakma (Yucko), defeated and humiliated, tries to struggle free but is caught in the net.
Yakma: (in his Peter Lorre accent, whimpering) Ooh... the grand plans... gone awry. You may have won today, but... I shall return...
Frank Flipperfist: (mocking, laughing as he drags Yakma out of the room) Yeah, sure you will, buddy. Sure you will.
As the sun sets, the trio—Zeta, Frank, and Pedro—return to the Lovely Corp headquarters, while Fitz and Brett reflect on their chaotic, wild day.
Fitz: (leaning back in his chair, exhausted) I swear, if I see another jester today, I might lose it.
Brett DeMarco: (chuckling) I've lost count. How many times have we’ve been taken hostage by weirdos? Forget it, Let’s just get some drinks.
Zeta: (smiling proudly) Mission accomplished! And no more jester drama for you two.
Frank Flipperfist: (raising a glass) Cheers to that, kid.
Pedro Pooptooth: (holding up a small party popper) And no more egg salad talk!
Fitz: (sighing with relief) At least we can finally relax. Thank you for helping us, Zeta! You got exactly what it takes to work at Lovely Corp.
Zeta: You taught me well, Daddy Fitz!
They all clink their glasses as the screen fades to black.
Scene 10 (conclusion):
Eventually, the Paradise PD made their way back to Paradise Georgia. Randall was driving back to Paradise Police Headquarters, they notice the police station is gone. Robbie and Delbert were standing where the Police Department.
Dusty: You were awesome back there, Kevin!
Kevin: As they all say, ahhh it was nothing!
Gina: It was fun to be on that space shuttle, but I prefer busting crooks!
Bullet: And I prefer stealing contaband!
Randall: So who's ready to get back to (notices the Paradise Police Department is gone. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Kevin: Robbie? Delbert?
Dusty: Where the fuck is the police station?
Gina: Explain yourselves!
Robbie: You guys were all over the news. So we decided to profit from it.
Delbert: We got a whole bunch of money....and...
Randall: What exactly did you do?
Stanley: That's what I'd like to know.
Robbie: Well, we relocated your police headquarters.
Gina: WHERE!!
Delbert: Someplace in Arizona. Forget the name.
A scene changes to Lukeville Arizona where the Border is. And where the Paradise Police Department building now resides. A bunch of illegals break into the police station and start to live in it.
THE END
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
Into The Orbit
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Running to the mailbox on a Friday afternoon. Kevin Crawford looks inside and sees an invitation letter that he's been waiting a long time for.
Kevin: YES! YES! YES! SCORE ONE FOR ME! I GOT IN! Wait'll I tell all my friends!
After reading the letter, Kevin begins to do a song and dance.
Kevin (singing): I'm Hired! I'm Hired! I Hope I Don't Get Fired! In 40 Years I I'll Be Retired! But For Now I'm Hired!
Walking out of their house, Randall sees Kevin do a dance on the front lawn.
Randall: What is that sack of shit up to now?
Kevin (singing): I Got A Job Today! I'm Going To Florida Away!
Randall: All right cut the cheese there, Kevin! Before you embarrass the neighborhood!
Kevin: AAAHHHH! Oh hey Dad! I didn't see you were there.
Randall: Whats gotten you so excited?
Kevin (shows Randall a letter): This!
Randall takes the letter Kevin received and reads it.
Kevin: I got accepted to be a camp counseler at a space camp in Florida! What do you think?
Randall: Well, I gotta say, Kevin. This is one of your teenage dreams you always chased around. How long will you be gone?
Kevin: For about a month.
Randall: OKay, you can go. Until then I'll get a replacement for you.
Kevin: Wow! Thanks Dad!
Randall: Only under one condition.
Kevin: Name it!
Randall: Me, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley come visit you on the day before last day there. Got it?
Kevin: Deal!
Randall: How are you going to get there?
Kevin: The camp has already paid for the transportation for me to go there. Which should be coming about.....
Randall and Kevin both see a bus running down the street and stopping at the Crawford house.
Kevin: Now!
Running inside to pack all his belongings, Kevin comes out with a suitcase and happily boards the Groundhound Bus to Florida.
Kevin: Bye Dad! See you in a month!
Randall: You good riddance you fucking little ball destroyer! I hope a Sweet Hereafter thing happens to you on the way there.
Scene 2:
The next day at Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall announces to his fellow squad members that Kevin will be gone for a month.
Randall: My son Kevin has gone to some Florida Space Camp to be a counseler.
Dusty: When is he going to come back?
Randall: In a month. But the day before his last day we're going to pay him a visit.
Gina: What will we do while he's gone?
Bullet: Gina's got a point. What're we going to do without our favorite ginger punching bag?
Randall: We get a replacement! So that's why I'm putting, (points to Stanley) YOU STANLEY!
Stanley: Uh, wha...wha...wah.....what!?!!
Randall: Go out there and find a temporary replacement for Kevin!
Stanley: OKay! Last time I found a replacement I was James Garner's stunt double for Support Your Local Sheriff!
Doing what Randall said, Stanley goes out to find a replacement officer for Kevin while he was away.
Bullet: This is going to end in disaster. Sending Stanley out to find someone.
Gina: You're telling me, Bullet. We might as well bring Blackie Chan back from the dead.
Dusty: Or Thester Carbomb! (laughs)
Randall: Uhhh, Florida. Ever since last fall when we were stationed there after Hurricane Milton hit. Kevin has had stars in his eyes when we passed that space camp on the way back.
A knock was heard at the door. Bullet answers it and it was Robbie and Delbert.
Bullet: What the fuck do you two want?
Robbie: We're here you're looking for a replacement for Kevin!
Delbert: How about two replacements? A Few Good Men?
Gina (runs up to the door): Stand back, Bullet, I'll handle this! (yells at Robbie and Delbert): No! We are not accepting hicks on our police force!
As Robbie and Delbert ran away scared at Gina's wrath. Stanley comes back with a replacement.
Stanley: Hey everyone! I found someone! You won't believe who it is!
Coming from behind Stanley, the replacement for Kevin was none other than Prop Cop! Much to the shock and dismay of the Paradise PD.
Dusty: Holy fuck! HIM!
Bullet: Oh no! Anyone but him!
Gina: I thought he was dead!
Randall: I did too!
Stanley: Turns out he survived when Kingpin Fitz killed him in that circus. He has super PTSD though!
Prop Cop: After two years in a mental institution, I made a comeback! (holds a cup of sperm and pours it on his back) Now I am the bees knees! (pulls up his pants that show two bumble bee plushies)
Scene 3:
A Caption Reads: One Month Later.
One of the Paradise PD squad cars abruptly stops at a nearby forest. Coming out of the car, Randall drags Prop Cop by the hand. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley were behind Randall. Randall slams Prop Cop's body into a tree.
Randall: What the fuck was that! You call that busting crooks?!?!?!
Bullet: That was one of the worst methods of crime fighting I've ever seen!
Dusty: I miss Kevin. Wish he were back.
Gina: One big huge ass blunder hiring this bungling twat waffle! (looks at Stanley)
Stanley: Hey? Why are you looking at ME for? He was the only one I can find!
Randall: SHUT UP! (screams at Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina)
Bullet: Who?
Randall: ALL OF YOU! I'll do the berating around here!
Prop Cop: Look, I understand you're upset with me but....I bust crooks with comedy!!!!
Randall: For the past month or so, your 'comedy' methods have almost got us KILLED!!!!! (pushes Prop Cop into the ground)
Prop Cop: OKay, I'll try something else! Idioms! How's this!
Dusty: Don't even think about it! Nobody here thinks you're funny! Not even me! Although I DO love to laugh at childish humor!
Ignoring the rants against him, Prop Cop does his comedic schitck anyway. Prop Cop grabs a bird from a tree and pulls out two bushes.
Prop Cop: A Bird In A Hand Is Worth Two In a Bush!
Randall, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley all stare in Prop Cop with fury in their eyes.
Prop Cop: Let's try some Shakespare. (sees a goose and chases it): Wild Goose Chase!
Reaching into his pocket, Prop Cop takes out a green marker and colors it over his eyes.
Prop Cop: Green Eyed Monster! Oooh! Oooh! Here's another one!
Reaching into another pocket, Prop Cop takes out a jar of pickles.
Prop Cop: We're all in a pickle! Oooh Oooh! How about this.....
Reaching into his back pocket, Prop Cop gets out a Berlitz Greek Language Book.
Prop Cop: It's all Greek To Me!
Crickets chirping in the distance.
Bullet: Should we kick his ass?
Randall: No, he's not fucking with it! YOU'RE FIRED! PROP COP! YOU'RE FIRED! AND DON'T EVER STEP FOOT IN PARADISE PD AGAIN!
Still continued with his comedy routine as Randall, Dusty, Bullet, Stanley, and Gina all walk out of the forest and leave Prop Cop behind. After a while, still trying to win them back, Prop Cop finds himself reaching for a scapel and cuts himself alive
Prop Cop: OOOOOHHH! That's hurts! Look at this you guys! (takes out his heart and puts it on his shirt sleeve): I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Using the scapel once more, Prop Cop cuts himself from head and toe.
Prop Cop: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! Get a load of this! I'm turning myself inside out!
Literally turning himself inside out. Prop Cop jumps around until he passes out.
Prop Cop (in a sing-song voice): I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out! I'm Inside Out......
Walking back to the Paradise PD patrol car Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Stanley, and Gina all go inside and drive away from the forest.
Dusty: You know, it's been a month since Kevin went to Space Camp. Want to go get him?
Randall: Oh shit! Totally forgot! (gruffs at Dusty): I'm glad you reminded me!
Dusty: Sheesh! Didn't have to be like THAT about it!
Bullet: So, who's up for going to Florida!
Gina: Sure I'll go.
Stanley: Florida! Last time I was there I had a secret love affair with Mercury Morris!
Bullet: Wonder what strippers wear in Florida?
Dusty: Florida it is! After all, we did promise to visit Kevin on the day before his last day there.
Randall drives the Paradise PD Patrol Car to Central Florida. Taking three and a half hours to get there. The Paradise PD finally arrived at the Space Camp in Orlando where Kevin is.
Scene 4:
At Lovely Corp, Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were walking around a newly built train station. They were impressed by the layout!
Zeta: Woah! This train station is awesome!
Fitz: Here in this train station, there will be no 'One Toke Over The Line'!
Brett DeMarco: All the money we put into this, worth it!
Fitz: Yes just think of all the evil schemes we can pull against the people of Paradise with this!
Zeta: Going on train ride with you two will be way better than with my family. The only train they took me on was one from a cheap kiddie theme park.
Brett DeMarco sees an oncoming train.
Fitz: Well will you look at that! Somebody is already using our train service.
The train stopped where Fitz, Zeta, and Brett were standing. Out came some jesters that targeted and surrounded Fitz, Brett, and Zeta. Fitz looked at the jesters with fury in his eyes.
Brett DeMarco: Uhhh, why are you looking at them like that?
Fitz: Because I fucking hate Jesters!
Jester #1: Hello, my name is Punchline!
Jester #2: And my name is Wisecrack.
Zeta: What do you guys want with us?
Punchline: We just got off your Lovely Corp train. We're looking for some people to help us.
Fitz: Go find someplace else! And someone else!
Wisecrack: But we chose you because we really need your help. You see, we work for an evil organization too. And we want you guys to join in our case.
Brett DeMarco: What is the name of your organization? Rejected Game Of Thrones Characters?
Punchline: We're the Jester Secret Agents.
Zeta: The what?
Punchline: The Jester Secret Agents!
Zeta: More like the Amazing Secret Agent Circus!
Shoving Fitz and Brett DeMarco on the train. Punchline and Wisecrack leave behind Zeta.
Fitz: Hey! You left behind our adopted daughter!
Brett DeMarco: She's important to us!
Wisecrack: Well she's not going to get involved!
Punchline: We don't need her, we need you guys only!
As the train departs with the Jester Secret Agents taking Fitz and Brett DeMarco. Zeta is crying that she was left behind.
Zeta: Oh no! Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett are in trouble. And those Jesters kicked me out. What'll I do?
Looking into her backpack. Zeta finds a phone number with a piece of paper on it that reads IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY CALL FRANK FLIPPERFIST OR PEDRO POOPTOOTH AT 1-800-LOVELY-CORP.
Zeta: That's it! Those other Legion of DOOOOM people can help me! So all is not lost.
Going to her iPhone Zeta calls Frank and Pedro.
Scene 5:
Arriving in Orlando after a long road trip. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley have reached the space camp. It ws called Orbitopia Space Camp. With a sign that says, "Where we launch dreams, not just rockets!"
Kevin: Dad! Bullet! Gina! Stanley! Dusty! Good to see you guys! Welcome to Orbitopia! I've always learned so much in a month and I am eager to share with you!
Randall: We drove here for three hours. So don't make us feel we wasted our time coming here to visit you!
Dusty: That's right. We just had a (sings) 'three hour tour'! (laughs) Get it? That's a Gilligan's Island reference!
Stanley: Russell Johnson sure knew how to give good head!
Gina: So, Kevin! Show us around. What is Space Camp like?
Kevin: Dusty talked about tours a while ago, so allow me to show you all around!
Leading the way, Kevin shows his fellow officers around Space Camp. First on the tour was a class room.
Kevin: This is the classroom where we teach the kids the tricks of the trade!
Randall: Where are all the kids?
Kevin: Today is my last day. So they left and went home.
Randall: You must've not been a very good counseler to them.
Leading the way, Kevin shows them to a space training room. It looked like an indoor amusement park.
Kevin: Here, kids gets to experience how the astronaunts get trained for space!
Gina: Teh! This place is broke ass compared to the Kennedy Space Center.
Dusty: Oooooh! I'm so jealous! This makes me wish I had gone to Space Camp when I was little!
Kevin: Here is a pool where we show kids what it's like in space!
The pool looked like a shallow above ground pool that is found in a backyard.
Dusty: Ooooh! This looks like fun! Now I really wished I could've gone to space camp!
A space shuttle was outside the camp along with a launching pad.
Randall (sees a space shuttle): What's a space shuttle doing here? Like Gina says, this place is broke ass and yet it has a space shuttle? I thought all the space shuttles were decommisioned.
Kevin: What I learned here is we like to keep one space craft ready so in the event when a satelite needs when there's a space station emegency.
Gina: You sure know the ropes around here Kevin!
Stanley: One Huge Step For Men. One Small Leap For Mankind. Or whatever the hell they said back then...
Walking over to a door Bullet sees a sign that reads "Sensory Deprivation Chamber"
Bullet (sees a door): What's this place, Kevin.
Kevin: This is an anti gravity room. Want to see it!
Randall: Hey Bullet! Try this with me!
Bullet: Okay, sure!
Dusty: Wait up for me!
Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all go into the Sensory Deprevation Chamber. The three of them scream like they're being tortured. Then Randall, Bullet, and Dusty all come out with their heads switched on their bodies. Bullet was on Dusty's head. Randall was on Bullet's head. Dusty was on Randall's head. Gina cracks up.
Dusty: Things so crazy so fucking fast!
Randall: We need to get our heads back on!
Bullet: No need for that. We'll be back to normal in the next scene.
Kevin: Okay, anything else?
A circular looking robot comes their way. Gina spots a robot.
Gina: What the fuck is he?
Kevin: Oh that's Jinx the Robot. He's the bully who picks on the kids! Don't mind him. He's just here for comic relief.
Jinx: You have something on your shirt! Bing!
Stanley: Why couldn't it have been a dirty robot?
Dusty: So, Kevin. Anything else you'd like to show us?
Kevin: I bet you all would like to see the inside of that space shuttle!
Gina: Sure! That's the reason why people visit these places.
Leading the way, Kevin climbs the steps to the launching pad and walks along with Randall, Gina, Bullet, Dusty, and Stanley to inside of the space shuttle.
Dusty (puffing out of breath): I can't keep up!
Randall: You're lucky we're not at Mt. Fanjing!
Bullet: That's a castle with 9000 stairs.
Finally reaching to the top. Kevin leads Randall, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley into the space shuttle.
Bullet: Wow. This could be the drugs talking. It all looks so real.
Kevin: Absoutely it is. OKay we've seen everything. Time to go back to Paradise and....
Stanley then gets mesmorized by a red button.
Dusty: Hey, Stanley. Why are you so engrossed by that red button?
Stanley: He's one of my favorite actors. But this one reminds me of The Crawling Hand!
Kevin: You were in that movie?
Dusty: I don't know what's he's talking about?
Gina: I know. It's a B Movie. In the beginning there was an astronaunt who exploded.
Stanley: And I played that astronuant. So I will push this button for all time sakes! (reaching for the button): Push The Red....Push The Red...
Randall: Kevin! Is this a real space shuttle.
Kevin: Yes, last I checked it is.
Dusty: Stanley! Don't push it!
Randall: Shit! We're fucked!
Ignoring Dusty, Stanley proceeds to push the red button
Bullet: Fuck! He's having a flashback! Worst than the ones I have after my drug binges!
Stanley: Push The Red....Push The Red! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Within seconds the space shuttle begins to launch sending the Paradise PD into space.
Dusty: SHIT! Looks like we're going to.....space!
Randall: Strap in everybody!
Kevin: Okay!
Dusty, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Randall all strap themselves into the seats of the space shuttle. Finding themselves being launched into space.
Kevin: I guess it's safe to say one thing. We're the first small town police force to get sent into space!
Scene 6:
The train hums along the tracks at high speed, the air tense as Fitz and Brett sit in uneasy silence, glaring at Punchline and Wisecrack.
Wisecrack: (grinning) Well, isn’t this a fine time! The wind in our hair, the thrill of a mission. I just love this kind of excitement!
Punchline: (laughing loudly) Yeah, you two sure do look like you’re having the time of your lives!
Fitz: (gritting his teeth) The time of my life? I’d rather be co-starring with Tom Hanks In Joe Vs The Volcano right now.
Brett DeMarco: (to Punchline and Wisecrack) So... this is the plan? Kidnap us, bring us to some clown we hate, and make us help you find a recipe for an Egg Salad Sandwich?
Wisecrack: (shrugging) Hey, sometimes you gotta get a little weird to win. It's called strategy.
Punchline: (eyeing Fitz, then lowering his voice) We’re not just after any recipe. It's the secret Egg Salad Sandwich recipe. You guys have no idea how much this means to us.
Fitz: (narrowing his eyes) You think we care about your sandwich problems?
Wisecrack: Oh, you’ll care soon enough. You’re in this for the long haul now.
Punchline: (snickers) Long haul, baby. Long haul.
The Lovely Corp Speed Train finally makes a stop and Wisecrack and Punchline lead Fitz and Brett to the hideout and go inside.
Fitz: (under his breath) This place reeks of shit ass failure.
Brett DeMarco: (rolling his eyes) This whole day reeks, man.
Wisecrack: (stepping off the train) Follow us. And don’t get any funny ideas.
Punchline: (grinning as he walks in front) We’ve got plans. Big plans.
Scene 7:
2 hours have passed since the Space Shuttle launched the Paradise PD into space. Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, Randall, and Kevin all find themselves floating around with no gravity. The space shuttle was orbiting around the Earth.
Bullet: Oh fuck! What am I going to do without my drugs! I want my fucking drug fix! Guess it's true what they say in those Alien movies. "In Space No One Can Hear You Scream!"
Gina: Stanley! You fucking old dried up sack of shits and twats! This is all your fault!
Stanley: Yeah, sure! Blame the old guy!
Kevin: You know this is a good time to put my skills into good use and...
Randall: You're just as useless as the rest of us here, Kevin. What we need is Mission Control from the Kennedy Space Center.
Gina: How are we going to get in touch with THEM?
Dusty: Hey will you all shut the fuck up! I'm using the Wifi to watch my favorite O'Hara US Treasury Episode! Where a bad guy shoots David Jansen with a water gun and says, "It's Not Water This Time Lover Boy!"
Randall: How exactly are you watching that long forgotten David Jannsen show?
Stanley: David Jannsen? I tried to give him a rimjob and he hit me over the head with a beer bottle! Great times!
Randall: Nobody's talking to you, Stanley! How are you watching...
Dusty: Okay, okay. You caught me. I have an iPhone! I bring it with me everywhere I go.
Kevin: Why didn't you tell us?
Dusty: Well I didn't think THIS would happen!
Randall: Well make use of it. Try to email the Kennedy Space Center's Mission Control.
Bullet: Typical Dusty everyone! Always comes through for us.....AT THE LAST MINUTE!
Dusty: OKay. All right. Settle down everyone. Maybe I can be the hero here!
Gina: Man, I bet we're a media sensation now! If we ever get back, people will be giggling their asses off at us. We'll be a laughingstock!
Dusty uses his Iphone to contact the Kennedy Space Center mission control via email. An hour and a half as passed, and Dusty gets no emails back.
Bullet: Dusty? Check your email? Any luck?
Dusty (looks at his email on his iphone): Sadly, no.
Kevin, Randall, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley all groan is frustration.
Dusty: Say I know. Let's do something to pass the time!
Gina: Sure. I can try whatever. What do you suggest?
Dusty: Let's play Name That Sitcom Theme Song!
Kevin: I like it! Who's going to go first?
Dusty: Well me of course. I came up with it. What sitcom is this from? (singing): We Share It All As Life Goes On! We Share It All As Life Goes On!
Randall: Empty Nest!
Dusty: Correct!
Bullet (laughs): You used to watch Empty Nest? That was a spin off of Golden Girls you know.
Randall: Karen used to drive me nuts with it.
Dusty: OKay, up next. What sitcom is this from? (singing): Everyday That Passes Is Slower Than Mollasses. And You Can't Help But Smile, Lying In The Shade!
Gina: Ooooh! Dusty! Your singing is making my horny levels rise! Keep doing it!
Bullet: Evening Shade!
Dusty: Correct Bullet!
Bullet: Only people who live under a bridge don't remember Evening Shade!
Kevin: Hey, can I try it?
Dusty: OKay, I'll pass the torch over to you, Kevin.
Kevin: All right! Does anyone recognize this theme song? (singing): Triplets Born! The Throne Awaits! A Seer Warns Of A Deadly Fate......
Dusty: Kevin, we're doing sitcoms! Not those stupid ass Sonic The Hedgehog cartoons from DiC!
Kevin: Okay! Besides, I was never a sitcom type of person.
A radio on the space shuttle contacts the Paradise PD.
Radio Voice: Hello! Mission Control!
Randall: Yes finally!
Flying over to the radio, Randall grabs it.
Randall: Mayday! Mayday! We're stranded in space.
Radio Voice: We got your email.
Randall: Are you guys from the Kennedy Space Center.
Radio Voice: Yes we are. You guys were launched by accident at the Orbitopia Space Camp, is that correct.
Randall: Yes we were! (To Dusty): Maybe you're worth something after all, Dusty!
Dusty: Oh shucks! (giggles)
Radio Voice: Some guy named Randall Crawford emailed us.
Randall (under his breath): Why does Dusty always use my name?
Kevin: Hey, Dad? Why did you say that?
Randall (normal voice ignoring Kevin) Anyway, help us get the motherfucking hell off of this space shuttle!
Radio Voice: Don't worry. We are going to do everything we can to get your down.
Gina: Ask him if we're on the news.
Randall: Are we on the news?
Radio Voice: Back on Earth, you're all a huge media sensation!
Gina: I knew it!
On CBS Evening News John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois were reporting.
John Dickerson: It appears a small town Police Department was accidentally launched into space.
Maurice DuBois: That's right. I'm standing here at Orbitopia Space Camp....
Lester Holt: Good Evening, I'm Lester Holt! We begin our broadcast today about a small police force who's stuck in space on a shuttle....
David Muir: I'm David Muir. We begin our newscast with the Orbitopia Space Camp who for some reason has a space shuttle although it's very cheap ass from what I heard. A police force from Paradise Georgia is now stuck in it.
Scene 8:
Misson Control gives Randall some instructions. As the space shuttle with the Paradise PD inside was still orbiting around Earth.
Radio Voice: Okay. Stay calm everyone and listen closely..the ship is on autopilot and.....
The signal from Mission Control died down. Leaving the Paradise PD contemplating their fate.
Randall: God Dammit! The signal got lost!
Dusty: Oh cheese and taters! We're all going to lose oxygen and then going to die!
Kevin: Listen everyone! I can get us out of this. I know all about space and....
Randall: Yeah, from those Sci Fi documentaries. You think your knowledge of that is going to help at a time like this?
Kevin sees the controls on the space shuttle.
Dusty: We should listen to Kevin.
Bullet: Agree with this. We should give him a chance. Who else are we going to rely on, Ron Perlman?
Just as Bullet mentioned the actor, Ron Perlman jumps out of the walls of the space shuttle.
Ron Perlman: Did somebody call my name?!
Stanley: Fatty Arbuckle? Is that you!
Randall: Where the fuck did you come from Ron Perlman?
Ron Perlman: Sometimes Ron Perlman like to sneak aboard space shuttles for no apparent reason!
Bullet: You here to help us?
Ron Perlman: Yes! I am sending you back to Earth! At your service.
Kevin: If you know how to, show us. Nobody sure as shit doesn't want my help.
Alice In Chains Angry Chair begins to play. Ron Perlman flies over to the cockpit and tries to fly the space shuttlle but fails miserably.
Gina: Is there a problem? Thought you were going to help us?
Ron Perlman (cries): Ron Perlman don't know how to fly shuttle! (sobs)
Randall: Don't cry in space! Your tears will destroy everything!
Kevin: Don't worry, Ron! I'll assist you! Even us space camp counselers learn a thing or two about a thing or two!
Ron Perlman: Tell Ron Perlman everything!
As the space shuttle still orbits the Earth, Kevin looks over the controls.
Stanley: Hurry the fuck up! We're running out of time!
Gina: Oh Stanley! After all your suicide threats over the years you're as chicken shit as the rest of us!
Kevin: I got it! OKay, Ron Perlman. You can still hold onto the controls in the cockpit and do everything I say.....
Ron Perlman: Okay! Ron Perlman got it! Tell Ron Perlman what to do.....
Kevin: You need to counter forward momentum to retro rockets. (points to the retro rockets button) If we can use them now we can the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit!
Dusty: Kevin, if you think it can help try it!
Ron Perlman: Ron Perlman on standby here!
Kevin (presses the retro rockets button): All right. Hang on tight! Here we go!
WIth Ron Perlman at the controls and Kevin's quick thinking the space shuttle starts to slow down.
Gina: Yes! It's slowing down! It's working!
A sudden jolt sends the Paradise PD flying back to the end of the space shuttle. Now the space shuttle was spinning out of control.
Randall: See! This is why you don't trust Kevin! I'm not sure who I'm more mad at! Him or Ron Perlman!
The space shuttle was headed towards Earth with neverending spinning headed toward Earth as if it was going to crash.
Gina: Oh fuck! I'm going to end up in another 20 year coma!
Bullet: There are so many drugs I never got to take!
Dusty: I'll never be able to invest in my plan to bring back 1970s toys like Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow or J.J. Armes! You know, to get a whole new generation hooked!
Stanley: I never got to Wear It Better!
A clip shows Stanley in a TV Guide Who Wore It Better Article with Jessica Alba wearing an evening gown and Stanley wearing the same one.
Randall: Just realized something. I wanted to become supreme Police Chief and grow old with Karen!
Kevin: We have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!
Ron Perlman (still at the controls): Ron Perlman don't know what to do....
Kevin reaches for handles to make his way to the cockpit and makes it and takes control of the space shuttle. He shoves Ron Perlman out of the way.
Ron Perlman: HEY!
Kevin: Consider yourself my copilot now!
Taking the copilot seat, Kevin takes charge of the controls of the cockpit. Bullet, Randall, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all strap themselves in.
Kevin: Fasten Your Seatbelts! It's Going To Be A Bumpy Ride!
Stanley: You tell 'em Bette Davis!
Dusty: Kevin! You're in a Wing and a Prayer!
Gina: What're you guys complaning about! This is awesome!
Bullet: This is better than any drug highs I've had!
Randall: You better not fuck up my penis by doing this. Remember what you did to my balls!
Ron Perlman: Ron Perlman demands to know what you are doing?!?!
Kevin: Saving our lives! The Space Camp I stayed at may be cheap. It gave all of us counselers and students alike a lot of knowledge!
A red sign blinked that reads Autopilot Engaged.
Bullet: Yes! No more fucking autopilot!
Gina: Yes! We're saved!
Kevin along with Ron Perlman were both at the controls as the space shuttle heads back to Earth. Everyone at Mission Control was watching the whole thing unfold.
Man: The stranded police crew have reentered the atmosphere!
Everyone at Mission Control cheered for the Paradise PD going back to Earth. The space shuttle lands with a parachute sticking out. A crowd of people along with fire department and amblances were waiting. One by one, Randall, Stanley, Gina, Bullet, and Kevin all exited the space shuttle. Dusty came out last but was now really long and tall.
Dusty: Wow! Look at me I lost weight and gained some height! Everyone can call me Dennis Rodman now.
As he walked down the stairs. Dusty's height went back to normal.
Dusty: Ahhh, who cares. I love being fat!
A newspaper article reads: SMALL TOWN COPS RESCUED FROM SPACE SHUTTLE! RON PERLMAN IS PISSED THAT HE WASN'T THE HERO.
Scene 9:
The door to the hideout slams shut behind them, and an eerie silence fills the air. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the voice of a man, who sounds eerily familiar.
Yakma The Ninja (aka Yucko the Clown in disguise): (in a gravelly Peter Lorre voice) Well, well, well... Look who we have here. The mighty Fitz and Brett DeMarco. And, uh, our precious egg salad-loving jesters. (laughs evilly)
Fitz: (eyes narrowing, clenching his fists) You. You’re him. You’re Yucko the Clown? I'll never forget what you did to me as a kid!!!!
Yakma aka Yucko shakes his head dramatically, slithering forward like a snake.
Yakma: (laughing sinisterly) No, no, no... I am Yakma, the true master of the Jester Secret Agents. Yucko was just a cover.
Punchline: (suddenly serious) That’s right. We are ninjas. We always were.
Wisecrack: (with a grin) Surprise! We’ve been waiting for the right time to reveal ourselves.
Fitz: (furiously) You two were ninjas the whole time?! This whole damn thing was a setup!
Brett DeMarco: (laughing cynically) This is exactly like one of those old spy movies... What the hell is next, a giant snake?
Yakma: (smiling darkly) You’re in for a real treat. (snaps his fingers and clears his throat) Somebody give me Halls Cough Drop! This Peter Lorre impression is fucking my ass up!
Suddenly, an enormous anaconda appears, slithering toward Fitz and Brett, who take a few steps back, shocked. A psychedelic sounding song plays when the snake comes towards them.
Brett DeMarco: (grinning nervously) Oh, great! I was hoping for a snake! Just what I needed today!
Fitz: (growling) You’ve gotta be kidding me!
Yakma (Yucko): (laughs softly) That’s right, my friends. Get ready for a slithering surprise. I’ll leave you to the snake.
As Punchline and Wisecrack were watching from a distance, Yakma and his henchmen left the room.
The anaconda moves towards Fitz and Brett. But suddenly, it makes a wrong turn—heading straight toward an exposed wire in the corner of the hideout.
Fitz: (eyes widening) Look out!
The snake gets tangled in the wires, and with a loud zap, it’s electrocuted, twitching and spasming on the floor.
Yakma (Yucko): (screaming from the distance) OOOOOOH SNAKE!!!!!
Meanwhile, outside the hideout, Zeta, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth are charging toward the entrance, ready to save the day.
Zeta: (with determination) We’re here to rescue them, guys! We’ve got this!
Frank Flipperfist: (grinning) No worries, kid. We’ll take care of this. Pedro, you got the gadgets?
Pedro Pooptooth: (pulls out a ridiculous assortment of gadgets) You bet! I’m ready to go! Let’s make sure this mission doesn’t end with any more ninjas, jesters, or whatever puto is around!
Frank, Zeta, and Pedro burst into the room, guns blazing and gadgets whizzing around.
Zeta: (with fire in her eyes) You’ve messed with the wrong family, Yakma!
Frank Flipperfist: (taking a shot with his gun) Enough with the ninjas, buddy!
Pedro Pooptooth: (whistling, a rope launcher flying out of his pocket to bind up one of the ninjas) Get ‘em, Frank!
In a flash of brilliant teamwork, Frank takes down Punchline and Wisecrack with expert precision, while Pedro traps the remaining ninjas in ropes and gadgets.
Zeta: (running to Fitz and Brett, helping them up) Don’t worry, you’re safe now!
Fitz: (catching his breath) That was way too close. We almost got turned into snake food.
Brett DeMarco: (dusting himself off) Yeah, I feel like I just lived through an old-school spy flick... What was that one with the agents who try to find an egg salad sandwich recipe?
Fitz: (scratching his head) Sounds like a plot from What’s Up Tiger Lily.
Brett DeMarco: (laughing) Exactly. An absurd, ridiculous, confusing mess of a day.
Zeta: (with a smile, crossing her arms) Yeah, well, we got you out of it! No jesters or snakes for you anymore.
Yakma (Yucko), defeated and humiliated, tries to struggle free but is caught in the net.
Yakma: (in his Peter Lorre accent, whimpering) Ooh... the grand plans... gone awry. You may have won today, but... I shall return...
Frank Flipperfist: (mocking, laughing as he drags Yakma out of the room) Yeah, sure you will, buddy. Sure you will.
As the sun sets, the trio—Zeta, Frank, and Pedro—return to the Lovely Corp headquarters, while Fitz and Brett reflect on their chaotic, wild day.
Fitz: (leaning back in his chair, exhausted) I swear, if I see another jester today, I might lose it.
Brett DeMarco: (chuckling) I've lost count. How many times have we’ve been taken hostage by weirdos? Forget it, Let’s just get some drinks.
Zeta: (smiling proudly) Mission accomplished! And no more jester drama for you two.
Frank Flipperfist: (raising a glass) Cheers to that, kid.
Pedro Pooptooth: (holding up a small party popper) And no more egg salad talk!
Fitz: (sighing with relief) At least we can finally relax. Thank you for helping us, Zeta! You got exactly what it takes to work at Lovely Corp.
Zeta: You taught me well, Daddy Fitz!
They all clink their glasses as the screen fades to black.
Scene 10 (conclusion):
Eventually, the Paradise PD made their way back to Paradise Georgia. Randall was driving back to Paradise Police Headquarters, they notice the police station is gone. Robbie and Delbert were standing where the Police Department.
Dusty: You were awesome back there, Kevin!
Kevin: As they all say, ahhh it was nothing!
Gina: It was fun to be on that space shuttle, but I prefer busting crooks!
Bullet: And I prefer stealing contaband!
Randall: So who's ready to get back to (notices the Paradise Police Department is gone. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Kevin: Robbie? Delbert?
Dusty: Where the fuck is the police station?
Gina: Explain yourselves!
Robbie: You guys were all over the news. So we decided to profit from it.
Delbert: We got a whole bunch of money....and...
Randall: What exactly did you do?
Stanley: That's what I'd like to know.
Robbie: Well, we relocated your police headquarters.
Gina: WHERE!!
Delbert: Someplace in Arizona. Forget the name.
A scene changes to Lukeville Arizona where the Border is. And where the Paradise Police Department building now resides. A bunch of illegals break into the police station and start to live in it.
THE END
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