Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Conspiracy Of None
0 reviewsStrawberry Marlow comes back to town to bond with Dusty. By taking him and Gina on a mission.
0Unrated
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title
Conspiracy Of None
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
On a lunch break at a roadside diner, Dusty is devouring a triple-stack burger while Gina looks on, impressed.
Dusty: Isn't this cool, Gina? A roadside diner opened here in Paradise! We're the first customers!
Gina: Dusty, you’re one grease trap away from needing a forklift to get back to work. And I like that!
Dusty: (mouth full) No problem, Gina. Paradise PD’s got plenty of forklift operators.
A shadow looms over their table. Strawberry Marlow, Dusty’s estranged soldier dad, enters.
Strawberry: Well, well, if it ain’t my oversized disappointment of a son and his pint-sized taser-happy partner.
Gina: That's what I'm known for!
Dusty: (choking on his burger) Diddy?! What are you doing here?
Gina: Yeah, shouldn't you be with those Strawberry Action Squad guys you train?
Strawberry: Let’s just say I’ve got a new gig: taking down an evil anti-fun organization. Rob Reiner's behind it, and he’s brainwashing kids into banning everything fun. You two in?
Gina: (eyes narrowing) You had me at "evil." Let’s take the 'fun' out of this guy. (laughs)
Strawberry: Girl’s got quite the sense of humor!
Dusty: You're telling me! I'm so glad she's not like those other tough females who hate fun and are no-nonsense. Gina's one of the guys!
Strawberry takes Dusty and Gina to Dusty's house.
Dusty: Diddy, we're going to be late for work.
Strawberry: It'll have to wait. This is more important. In fact, I'm going to call the Paradise PD headquarters and tell them you guys won't be in today.
When Strawberry, Gina, and Dusty arrive at Dusty's house, Strawberry reveals an absurd map of Reiner's compound. Dusty spills ketchup all over it, but everyone rolls with it.
Dusty: Oh shit! (imitates Bullwinkle) Sometimes I can't control my own ketchup.
Strawberry: That's totally fine. I'll let that slide.
Gina: How are we going to track down this twat waffle?
Strawberry: I know exactly where he is.
Using a tracking device app on his Military Cellphone, Strawberry finds out that Rob Reiner is at an Airbnb mansion in Paradise.
Strawberry: Ah-ha! Just as I thought! Rob Reiner is staying at an Airbnb right here by a huge concrete hill. He thinks being in a small town to go about his evil plan means nobody will notice?
Gina: Allow me to quote Judas Priest! He's Got Another Thing Coming!
Strawberry: We'll go to the hill so he won't see us! We'll take my truck.
Dusty: (imitates Rocky J. Squirrel) And now for something we'll really like!
Strawberry: Oh shit! I forgot to call Paradise PD headquarters. And get you two out of work. I'll call right now. (goes to cellphone)
Scene 2:
Getting out of the shower, Randall was drying himself off. Kevin was in the shower using it.
Randall: What a great day this is going to be! I can just feel it now!
After he was drying himself, dressed with only a towel naked underneath, Randall sees Kevin's iPhone and begins to play an APP game.
Randall: Hmmmm, I wonder what THIS could be?
Playing on the iPhone, the APP game was Subway Surfers. Randall begins to play it.
Randall: WOW! This is so fucking awesome! No wonder Kevin has so much fun with this!
Kevin was getting done with his shower and got out. Drying himself, still nude himself. Kevin goes into Randall's bedroom and sees Randall playing Subway Surfers on his iPhone. Kevin is rightfully outraged.
Randall: Wow, Kevin sure has a fun toy!
Kevin: DAD! What the hell!
Randall: Oh hey, Kevin! I was just recharging....yeah that's it!
Kevin: Bullshit! You were playing my Subway Surfers game! Why Dad?
Randall: Uhh, I wanted to try it out.
Kevin: Without my permission!
Randall: Hey, I'm the one who gives permission! As Police Chief of the Paradise PD, I get to do what I want!
Kevin: You have no right to use my iPhone!
Randall: Why not? You're not the President of it!
Kevin (lunging at Randall): President?! I'll show you President!
Randall (jumping towards Kevin): You wanna fight! Bring it on! Motherfucking ball breaker! Let's see what you're made of Apollo Creed!
Taking off their towels, Randall and Kevin found himselves fighting each other totally nude. Not looking where they're going, the fight each other out of Randall's house and are now fighting on the lawn with all the neighbors staring at them. Including Robbie and Delbert.
Robbie: Hey, Delbert! I didn't know American Gladiators was in the town...
Delbert: I wouldn't say that Robbie. More like that nude fighting scene in Borat!
When Randall and Kevin continued to fight, all the other neighbors ran inside scared. Stanley was walking down the street to Randall's house to tell him to get ready for work.
Stanley: Welp, better tell everyone to get ready for work!
Randall and Kevin were still beating up each other not paying attention to their surroundings. Stanley sees them rolling his way.
Stanley: I've never seen this much horribly done choreography since I was in Excuse My Dust with Buster Keaton.
Randall and Kevin unknowingly knock out Stanley who was now on the road unconscious. Stanley now has an open wound on his head. Randall and Kevin stopped fighting.
Kevin: There! That'll teach you not to mess with my Subway Surfers, Dad!
Both looking at Stanley, Kevin and Randall both scream at what they did to him.
Randall: Oh no! We killed Stanley! What'll we do! Karen will have our asses for this! She'll probably give yours to Anton!
Kevin (picks up his iPhone): Yes! My iPhones okay!
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! Stanley could be dead and you're worried about your iPhone! His head is fucking split open!
Kevin: Yeah, it's all your fault Dad! If you never fucked with my Subway Surfers game, none of this would've happened in the first place!
Randall (checks Stanley's pulse): He's still alive from what I can see.
Stanley begins to breathe and get up.
Kevin: Look! Look! He's back to normal!
Stanley vomits and collapses back down on the road.
Kevin: Ooooh! This isn't good. Not good at all...
Randall: I know! Maybe we can make it appear that he's normal.
Kevin: OKay.
Randall: In the meantime we'll clean his wounds too.
Kevin: Whatever it takes.
In the shower section of the holding cells. Randall and Kevin were giving Stanley a shower who was still unconscious struggling to clean the open wound on his head. There were now maggots surrounding Stanley's open head wound.
Randall: I gotta tell you, Kevin. President John F. Kennedy had a less serious head wound than this.
Kevin: At least he didn't have maggots like Stanley does.
Randall: Hand me that scrub brush.
Kevin gives Randall the scrub brush and the wound was still the same after Randall scrubbed it. The maggots were still surrounding the open wound. Observing the maggots, Kevin sees that the maggots have evolved.
Kevin: I think the maggots evolved to the point where they built their own Red Light District.
Sure enough, a Red Light District was being built on Stanley's open head wound. The song "You Sexy Thing" By Hot Chocolate plays for 10 seconds. Randall and Kevin see the more they try to clean the open wound, the worser it gets.
Randall: Goddammit! This is so fucking hopeless! What can be worse?
A cellphone rings and the call was for Randall, he answers it. Karen was on the other end.
Randall: Hello! Karen!
Karen (over cellphone): Oh hi Randall. Seen Stanley around?
Randall (over cellphone): Oh yes yes! He's right here at Headquarters. What do you want with him?
Karen (over cellphone): I want to interview him on social media.
Randall (over cellphone and sweating): Why do you want to do that.....
Karen (over cellphone): So he can tell the good people of Paradise in his own words what it's like to be the World's Oldest Living Policeman.
Randall (over cellphone) What would be a good day?
Karen (over cellphone): Wednesday would be good.
Randall (over cellphone): Okay, sure! Wednesday it is! See ya! Bye!
Karen (over cellphone): Bye!
Hanging up the cellphone. Randall tells Kevin about Karen wanting to interview Stanley.
Randall: We're really in for it now, Kevin.
Kevin: Oh no! As Tank Girl once said, "WHAT NOW?!"
Randall: That was your mother on the phone, Karen wants to interview Stanley on Wednesday to tell everyone what it's like to be the World's Oldest Policeman!
Kevin: Ooooooooh! What if Stanley isn't better by Wednesday?!
Waling into Paradise PD Headquarters Bullet was talking to Strawberry Marlow over the phone.
Bullet: What? Dusty and Gina won't be coming to work today? Why? Because they have to assassinate Rob Reiner? So they're not going to be part of the subplot in this fanfic at all then? Right? Okay. I'll let Randall and Kevin know. Bye.
Walking into the shower room, Bullet sees Kevin and Randall and an unconscious Stanley with an open head wound.
Kevin: Uhhh, hey Bullet? You didn't hear anything did you?
Bullet: Uh, no, why..... (screams): What happened here? Did Stanley drop the soap? (laughs)
Randall: No you fucking fleabag. Kevin and I by accident bumped into Stanley.
Kevin: To make matters worse, Mom wants to interview him in two days!
Bullet: So you knocked him into a coma, I see. How long has Stanley been unconscious?
Kevin: Holy shit! Dad! He knows! Bullet, we are so sorry. We wanted to tell somebody but we were too scared....and I wanted to take him to the hospital. But Dad wouldn't let me!
Bullet (writing on a piece of paper): I see Randall you have great instincts. I used to knock out Mrs Whiskers with Sedafed. You just got to cover it up and eventually it all works out!
Kevin gets a paper handed to him by Bullet.
Bullet: Kevin, here are a list of gauze and surgical tape. I need these by four o'clock.
Randall: Good idea, Bullet.
Kevin: Why do I have to get the gauze and tape?
Randall: Because you're a rookie! That's why.
Kevin: You know, Dusty and Gina haven't been around. They'd know what to do.
Randall: You're right, Kevin. Where the hell have they been?
Bullet: Funny you mentioned that. I just got a call from Dusty's so-called "Diddy". He told me to tell you that Dusty and Gina are on a mission for Strawberry Marlow to assassinate Rob Reiner.
Randall: You mean, Meathead?
Bullet: I really don't know the whole story.
Randall: I never liked Meathead on the show anyway. I've always indentified with Archie!
Kevin: We'll deal with Stanley ourselves without them.
Scene 3:
At the auditorium of The All Girls High School. Rob Reiner stands on stage, addressing a crowd of wide-eyed children and concerned teachers.
Rob Reiner: (dramatically) Kids, let me tell you something. Candy is the root of all evil. It rots your teeth, clouds your judgment, and distracts you from achieving greatness. Together, we can banish candy from our lives and embrace a healthier, more productive future!
The kids murmur nervously. Zeta sits in the front row, glaring at Reiner.
Zeta: (whispering to herself) This guy’s nuts.
Reiner pulls out a chart showing exaggerated statistics about candy consumption leading to world chaos.
Rob Reiner: (pointing to the chart) See? Candy is a gateway to destruction! Join me, and we’ll create a candy-free world!
The teachers applaud hesitantly, while the kids look horrified. Zeta sneaks out of the assembly, determined to tell Fitz and Brett what she just witnessed. Meanwhile, at Lovely Corp., Fitz and Brett DeMarco are home with their adopted daughter Zeta, who has just returned from school looking disturbed.
Zeta: Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett! You won’t believe it! Rob Reiner hosted an assembly today, and he told us candy is evil! CANDY!
Fitz: (spits out coffee) Nobody tells my little girl candy is evil. Nobody.
Brett DeMarco: (pulling out his laptop) Let’s see what this Reiner guy is really up to.
Fitz and Brett do their usual over-the-top research montage, complete with conspiracy boards and dramatic lighting. They discover Reiner’s "anti-fun" group is a front for world domination.
Brett DeMarco: I can't believe this! He's close to us! At an Airbnb no less!
Fitz: (slamming fist on table) We’re taking this guy out. Zeta deserves a world where candy is king.
Scene 4:
On the concrete hilltop. Strawberry stops his truck. Gina and Dusty load up on guns. Down below them was the Air BNB Mansion where Rob Reiner was residing. Strawberry was spying on them with a telescope. Dusty and Gina had a homing device and was listening to everything Rob Reiner was saying.In a dimly lit room filled with smoke machines and neon signs that read “No Fun Allowed,” Rob Reiner stands at the head of a long table. Around him sit his henchmen—a motley crew of eccentric characters, each representing a different “banned” activity. One wears roller skates, another has a guitar slung over their back, and a third is juggling candy bars. They were all black.
Rob Reiner: (slamming his fist on the table) Listen up, team! We’ve already made strides in banning candy, smoking, and anything remotely enjoyable. But we’re just getting started. Paradise is the perfect testing ground for our next phase.
The henchman with the guitar speaks up.
Guitar Henchman: What’s next, dawg? Music festivals? Open mic nights? Poetry slams?
Rob Reiner: (grinning wickedly) All of it. Music, laughter, spontaneous dance parties—gone. We’ll replace them with mandatory seminars on the dangers of fun.
The roller-skating henchman spins in their chair.
Roller-Skating Henchman: And what about sports, yo! Kids love sports.
Rob Reiner: (nodding) Excellent point. Sports are a gateway to joy. We’ll ban dodgeball, kickball, and especially anything involving trampolines. Paradise will be the dullest town in America, and from there, we’ll expand globally!
The candy-juggling henchman drops a Snickers bar in shock.
Candy Henchman: But boss, what if people fight back, man?!
Rob Reiner: (leaning in, eyes narrowing) That’s why we start small. Paradise is corrupt. No order at all. By the time they realize what’s happening, it’ll be too late. Now, let’s get to work. Fun doesn’t ban itself!
The henchmen cheer half-heartedly, then shuffle off to prepare for their next mission. Reiner stands alone, gazing at a map of Paradise with a sinister smile.
Rob Reiner: (to himself) Paradise, your days of fun are numbered.
After listening in. Strawberry gives Dusty a rifle.
Gina: Ooooh! You are so sexy holding that rifle.
Dusty: To tell you guys the truth. I have used a gun, but I'm a terrible aim. What if I miss?
Ignoring Dusty's complaint about being bad at shooting a rifle. Strawberry gives him a pep talk.
Strawberry: Dusty, we want you to do a duty for this town. We want you to go out there, and destroy Rob Reiner!
Dusty: Can you at least give me some shooting lessons, first?
Gina: Let me shoot him! So I can rape his corpse!
Strawberry: OKay. Here. We'll shoot that cactus over there. Let's pretend it's Rob Reiner!
Taking the rifle away from Dusty. Strawberry shoots the cactus.
Dusty: Great aim, Diddy!
Gina: Been watching too many Danny Aiello movies I see!
Strawberry: That's right, Gina. It's from the movie Ruby.
Dusty: Ooooh! I still don't know how to handle a rifle.
Strawberry: For right now, we'll go back to Dusty's place and teach him how to be a better aim.
Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry all drive back to Dusty's house. In his backyard, Strawberry teaches Dusty how to be a better aim.
Strawberry: What are you waiting for, boy! Shoot!
Dusty (sighs): I can't. It's hopeless. We'll never get Rob Reiner now.
Gina: Once we get through with you, you'll be even more badass than Ricky Spanish!
Strawberry: Whatever are you talking about, Gina?
Gina: What? You guys never watched American Dad?
With encouragement and determination. Strawberry and Gina teach Dusty how to be a better aim with a rifle.
Scene 4:
After showering Stanley. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were debating on what to do until Karen's big interview with Stanley.
Bullet: Even though I never liked the dude, I'll help you guys!
Kevin: Hey wait! We can't let anyone know about this. Where are we going to keep Stanley until then?
Bullet: Where else, my dog house. Nobody looks in there but me.
Randall (laughs): I'm all for that. But on Wednesday we'll take him back to his home at You Store It Some and take care of him ourselves. We'll move him around like a puppet if we have to. When Karen interviews him. Are we clear?
Kevin: Crystal Clear Dad!
Bullet: CLAR!
Randall: What the fuck, Bullet? CLAR?!!
Bullet: Oh sorry. I got high last night while watching A Bridge Too Far!
Kevin (imitating Stanley and moving him around like a puppet): A Bridge Too Far! That's one of my favorite Ryan O'Neal movies. I had a homosexual affair with him, oh wocka wocka!
Randall and Bullet look at Kevin in contempt.
Kevin: Just getting him ready for his big interview. (laughs nervously) Think I'll go get that stuff on Bullet's list!
Randall and Bullet put Stanley in Bullet's doghouse as Kevin goes out to buy some gauze and surgical tape.
Scene 5:
Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry are on their way to Reiner’s mansion in a beat-up truck. At the same time, Fitz and Brett are speeding there in their over-modified Prius.
Gina: (noticing the Prius in her rearview mirror) Hey, isn’t that Fitz and Brett? What the fuck are those shit faces doing here?
Strawberry: (laughs) Looks like we’ve got competition. Let’s show ‘em how assassins roll.
What ensues is a ridiculous competition of sabotage. Fitz and Brett bump into the beat up truck.
Strawberry: Holy fuck! Who do these assfuckers think I am? Ben Hur?
Gina: Dusty! Teach these guy nobody fucks with us!
Going into his pockets. Dusty finds then hurls cheeseburgers at the Prius, while Brett uses glitter bombs to blind their truck.
Dusty: Feel the wrath of my cheeseburgers, bitches!
The glitter bombs turned out to be duds. The force of Dusty throwing cheeseburgers at Fitz and Brett's Prius caused them to swerve out of control. Thankfully Fitz crashed into shrubbery.
Strawberry: Wow son! When it comes to cheeseburgers you kick ass!
Dusty: Thanks Diddy! That means a lot!
Strawberry: In the meantime be better with a rifle!
Fitz and Brett get out of the Prius.
Brett DeMarco: FUCK! SHIT! They're going to get Reiner before we do!
Fitz: Maybe we should let them go first.
Brett DeMarco: But why? They'll get all the credit.
Fitz: Here's the plan. When they arrive, we'll sneak up behind them.
Brett DeMarco: OKay, then what?
Fitz: That's when we'll shoot that fatass fucker! (evilly laughs)
Scene 6:
Both teams sneak into Reiner’s lair The Air BNB on the concrete hill. Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina are inside a attic at the Air BNB. Fitz and Brett are on the roof about the go through the chimney, but decide against it to do some investigating on their laptops and toolkits.
Strawberry: OKay, we made it. Very important for us to keep our mouths shut!
Gina: Got it, we don't want them to hear us.
Dusty: So, how are we going to pull this off?
After infiltrating Reiner’s lair, Dusty and Gina stumble upon a room filled with plans and blueprints for a massive project titled "Operation Snackpocalypse."
Gina: (looking at the blueprints) It's like he's plotting to make the world a boring place!
Dusty: (sniffing the air) Smells like candy. Evil candy.
Strawberry: All we need to do it find out where he is storing the ingredients for this 'candy'.
Putting on some X Ray Vision goggles, Strawberry sees Rob Reiner and his henchmen in the room across from the attic.
Dusty (whispering): that dude with the guitar looks like Mario Van Peebles from Heartbreak Ridge.
Guitar Henchman: Yo Yo Yo Wassup! Where are you keeping those ingridents?
Rob Reiner: Where I always keep everything. In my huge fat stomach!
Candy Henchman: Damn you are the shit! Wouldn't that get disgested?
Rob Reiner: I have an iron stomach that got sugerically put inside me to mix everything.
Roller Skate Henchman: How y'all going to take it all out and process it into brainwashing candy that makes people hate fun?
Guitar Henchman: I know! He'll do it out his ass!
Rob Reiner (throws guitar across the room): THAT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Don't either of you make fun of my poo, I mean goo! GOT IT!
Guitar, Roller Skate, and Candy Henchman (all together): YO MAN!
Strawberry: He's more insane then we thought.
Dusty: Really? Who in the fuck would put iron in your own stomach? That takes the fun out of eating!
Strawberry: This ain’t just any candy—Reiner's creating a supercharged formula to eliminate happiness altogether. Kids eat it, and suddenly they hate cartoons, snacks, and even puppies.
Gina: That’s some diabolical bullshit! We need to stop this Snackpocalypse, pronto.
Meanwhile, Fitz and Brett uncover the same plan while hacking into Reiner's servers. Still on the roof. They realize Reiner has planted these candies in schools across the nation and even plans to release them into the air using drones.
Fitz: (typing furiously) I knew candy was too good to be true. He’s weaponized it!
Brett DeMarco: (grabbing his toolkit) This just got personal. Nobody messes with Zeta’s puppy joy.
Fitz: We gotta move!
Brett DeMarco: And blow Rob Reiner off the fucking planet before Dusty, Gina, and that old dude do!
Fitz: Yeah, you're right they did have an old man with them. Who the fuck is it?
Brett DeMarco: Guess we'll know soon.
Fitz and Brett slide down the chimneys. Sneaking out of the upstairs attic. Strawberry hands Dusty the rifle. Gina soon follows. In the room across from the attic, Rob Reiner tells his henchmen to take a break.
Rob Reiner: You guys can go take 5. Then come back.
Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skate all go into another room.
Strawberry: OKay, those henchmen are gone. Now is our chance! Oh and Dusty. Since Rob Reiner has an iron stomach, try to aim for his ass!
Gina: We're counting on you, Dusty!
Dusty: Okay! Ready or not.....cheese and tatters, here I go!
Aiming the rifle at Rob Reiner's ass. He sits down in his room trying to figure out what 'fun' thing he wants to get rid of next.
Rob Reiner: Imagine how far I can go with this Snackpocalypse! Maybe I can get rid of vaping! Why stop there! I'll get rid of social media too! First I'll attack Youtube, Facebook, then Instagram, then Tiktok......
Fitz and Brett are also getting ready to fire at Rob Reiner themselves. Dusty had the rifle aimed at Rob Reiner's ass.
Gina: Wait for it....wait for it!
Strawberry: OKay, shoot now!
At the same time, Dusty shoot Rob Reiner in the ass. All the ingredients for Snackpocalypse came out through his left thigh!
Rob Reiner: FUCK!!!! OH NO! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY PRECIOUS GOO! Snackpocalypse is dead! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY FUCKING GOO! WHO COULD'VE DONE THIS!
Strawberry: Good job! Son! After this I'll make you both honorary members of Strawberry Action Squad!
Dusty: I actually did it! Who knew!
Brett shoots Rob Reiner in the head ending his life. Just as Fitz and Brett were about to run away. They are seen by Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina.
Strawberry: You cock suckers again?!?!?!
Gina: You're both too late you twat waffles! We got to him first!
Fitz: You may have shot that goo out of him, but we killed his ass!
Dusty (hears footsteps): SHIT! Somebody's coming!
Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skates all run to see Rob Reiner dead. The three henchmen all spot Fitz, Brett, Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina.
Candy Henchman: YO MAN! YOU FUCKIN' little FREAKS! Which one of you did this to our great leader?
Strawberry throws the rifle in Fitz's and Brett's direction!
Dusty: THEY DID IT! IT WAS THEM!
Gina: WE SAW THEM DO IT! PROVE US WRONG!
Strawberry: Now, we GO!
Gina, Dusty, and Strawberry all ran away out of the Air BNB the same way they came in. Now Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skates had their sights on Fitz and Brett. Guns were aimed at the evil Lovely Corp duo.
Guitar: Shoot yo asses fulla lead!
Fitz and Brett were able to run away from the gunshots. Guitar's gun runs out of bullets so, he comes at them with his guitar.
Guitar: NOW I'M READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!!!!
Fitz takes the guitar and rips out the strings and strangles Guitar until he is blue in the face. Brett throws Rob Reiner's 'goo' in Candy's and Roller Skates's direction causing them to slip. As Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina got away. Fitz and Brett were faced with the consequences. Both were running to their Prius and got inside.
Brett DeMarco: Good! Think we lost them!
Fitz: Let's hope so.
A gunshot shattered a window in their Prius.
Fitz: WHAT THE HELL!
Roller Skates slid up to the Prius and had a gun on Fitz. Both Fitz and Brett grabbed Roller Skates by the hand and bumped his hand into the car horn, in hopes the gun in Roller Skates hand will be dropped. Loudly blaring. That signaled Candy. Who ran up to the other side of the Prius to try to save Roller Skates. Candy aimed his gun at Fitz and Brett.
Candy: YOU'RE DEAD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!
A gun blast is heard and as it turns out, Candy had shot Roller Skates in the head by accident.
Fitz: You're going for a joy ride!
Brett DeMarco (grabs Candy by the hand): Would you like to go faster!
Fitz drives the Prius in fast speeds with Brett dragging Candy. Driving about a half a mile, Brett gets Candy's gun and shoots him in the face leaving him for dead. Fitz and Brett speed off into night in the Prius. Candy and Roller Skates were both dead in the street. Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina all watched from the sidelines.
Dusty (laughs): Glad that wasn't us! We got off easy!
Strawberry: Yep let the enemy deal with the hard part!
Dusty: We prevented a disaster from happening!
Gina: Wow! Got some serious James Gandolfini vibes watching that whole thing!
Strawberry: I never saw that actor do anything like that in any of his works.
Gina: WHAT?! You guys never watched The Sopranos?
All the drones that were headed to the schools have exploded. The candy exploded along with the drones. Some candy that was hidden away in the schools has melted into oblivion. Some of the melted candy went under a bridge where Hobo Cop was living.
Hobo Cop: OH BOY! DINNER!
Eating the melted candy, Hobo Cop becomes possessed and starts hoping around.
Hobo Cop: G'NAP! G'NAP! G'NAP!
Calling the Air BNB Hotline on his cellphone. Strawberry Marlow sent a report and had the Air BNB condemned where Rob Reiner and his now dead henchmen were staying. Now that all the rooms were covered in the evil candy "goo" Rob Reiner had in his iron stomach. The drones exploded into fireworks and Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina were enjoying the sights.
Strawberry: So beautiful!
Dusty: A magnificent sight.
Gina: A sight to behold.
Scene 7:
Wednesday was here. Karen was driving over to You Store It Some where Stanley lived. Bullet, Kevin, and Randall were inside the storage unit where Stanley resided. Who now had a huge bandage over his head about ready to come off.
Bullet (pulls the bandage off Stanley's head): Let's see what we're dealing with here.
Kevin: Careful, Bullet. OOOOOOH! Please let Stanley's wound be completely better. PLEASE! (wringing his hands)
Randall: Be realistic here, Kevin. Paradise PD isn't one of those 'other' cartoons where a character gets badly hurt and is back in the next scene all better like nothing happened to them!
Slowly taking off the bandage. Stanley's head wound was now even worse. And gave off a horrid stench
Bullet: I heard of brain rot, right now, we're experiencing it! (gags). Reminds me of the time when Dusty's cat Mr Meowgi ate Mrs Whiskers brain.
Randall: SHIT! How are we going to explain this to Karen?!?! She's going to be here in....
Looking at his GPS App on his Iphone, Randall tracks down Karen's car.
Randall: In five minutes!
Kevin: He hasn't made any progress at all. No improvement.....
Randall: Well we need to be fess up to the facts. We're fucked.
Kevin: You're right, Dad. We might as well face the music and......
Bullet: I got an idea! Follow my lead!
Kevin: NO NO NO! I'm done with covering this all thing up! I'm going to do what we should've done in the first place. We're taking Stanley to the hospital.
Bullet: Look, just trust me on this. I have one last plan.
Randall (looks at his GPA App): Hope this crazy plan of yours works!
As Karen's car was approaching closer. Bullet, Randall, and Kevin ran out of You Store It Some. Bullet throws Stanley in the path of Karen's car. Stanley was run over as Karen came running out.
Bullet: See? We put the frame on her and have her deal with it!
Karen: Oh my gosh! Stanley! I'm a murderer! Just like Laura Bush! (getting hysterical): OH GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?! (sobs)
Randall: Looks like you ran over him, Karen!
Karen: Please no! This can't be happening! He's unconscious! (running to Randall): Randall! We have to cover this up!
Bullet: Yeah Karen! What do you suggest?!
Karen: I was supposed to interview him today. Maybe we could cover the wound with a hat, and use makeup to make it look like his eyes are open? Or even better. How about we do an animated AI hologram of Stanley?
Kevin: Wow, Mom is sure with the times.
Randall: I love you so much right now, Karen! Let's take him to the hospital.
Bullet, Kevin, Randall, and Karen all take Stanley's unconscious body into Karen's car and drove to the Hospital.
Scene 8:
At Paradise Hospital. Stanley's condition seemed critical. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were pacing around. Waiting for any type of news at this point.
Randall: How long can this go on?
Bullet: How long does this kind of thing take?
Karen walks in.
Kevin: Sorry, Mom. No word yet on Stanley.
Karen: I've decided I won't do his interview after all.
Kevin (looks inside hospital room): Okay, how comes Dr. Funtlicher.
Coming out of Stanley's hospital room. Dr Funtlicher delivers some news about Stanley's head wound condition.
Randall: Is he going to be okay, doctor?
Dr. Funtlicher: I put him in a medically induced coma. For about six months. If he doesn't come through until then. You guys must consider a Kevorikan method.
Bullet (cynically): Let me guess, the suicide machine.
Dr Funtlicher: That's one way of putting it, yes.
Kevin: Well, he was bound to die. Let's face it, Stanley is over 100 years old.
Randall: They're keeping him alive for six months.
Karen: Guess we can go home and check in on him every now and then.
Bullet, Randall, Karen, and Kevin all walk out of the hospital. Only to run into Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry.
Kevin: Good to see you guys again.
Randall: Where the fuck have you two BEEN!
Bullet: We sure could've used your help!
Strawberry: Dusty and Gina helped me assassinate Rob Reiner!
Karen: Rob Reiner was in town and I was not informed!
Dusty: We had an awesome adventure! And I got to spend time with my Diddy!
Kevin: You would not believe the hellish time we had.
Gina: We'll explain it on the way.
Headed to Paradise PD Headquarters, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Bullet, and Randall all go back. Strawberry comes along with them.
Scene 9:
At the conference room in Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall demands to know where Dusty and Gina were.
Randall: Okay! You both better explain.
Dusty: You're not mad at us are you?
Gina: Strawberry here called you and told you we weren't going to be in.
Strawberry: Dusty's right. No need to be mad at anyone. I'll explain.
Bullet: Let's hear how you got Rob Reiner! The only good thing he did was the short lived Morton and Hayes show.
Strawberry: It all begins like this....
A flashback sequences plays out. Strawberry finds himself back in Paradise. Getting off on a bus.
Strawberry: I wanted to return to my hometown for a while. So I can get to know Dusty a little better. I regret all that time I spent apart from him when me and my Strawberry Action Squad were on the 20 Year Mission. I rented an Air BNB on a concrete hill.
A scene shows Strawberry going inside the same Air BNB that Rob Reiner was residing in.
Strawberry: I was kicked out immediately by 3 black guys who worked him for. Candy, Roller Skates, and Guitar were their names. I checked into a hotel across the street.
A scene shows Strawberry inside a hotel room. Looking through a telescope. He also had a laptop with a speaker on it. A prostitute dressed as a scarecrow was waiting to have sex with him.
Strawberry: Then I decided to spy on that Sumbitch. And lo and behold. Just as I suspected. He was up to fucking no good.
Prostitute: HEY! YOU GOING TO FUCK ME OR ARE YOU GOING TO JUST FUCK AROUND?
Strawberry: IN A MINUTE PEARL! Sheesh!
Listening to everything Rob Reiner says in the flashback sequence. Strawberry studied him carefully.
Rob Reiner: Listen to me my minions! This is the most out of order town I have ever come across! We will initiate Snackpocalypse! We begin by making evil candy in my iron stomach!
Strawberry: I listened to every scheme he's going to play out step by step. I knew his plan the whole time.
Flashback sequence ends.
Strawberry: Then I tracked down Dusty my son. And recruited he and Gina to help me assassinate his sorry ass. And I got to bond with Dusty in the process.
Dusty: Wow, Diddy! Had no idea you wanted to reconnect with me.
Strawberry: We're reunited now son. You and Gina are invited to come on a mission with me anytime you'd like!
Dusty: Thanks, Diddy!
Randall: All right. I'll let this one go.
Karen bursts into Paradise PD Conference Room.
Kevin: MOM! I thought you went back to City Hall!
Karen: I could not help but overhear. I've been looking for an local elderly man to do an interview. Strawberry Marlow! Are you available?
Strawberry: You have my permission!
Bullet: What if Stanley comes out of his coma?
Karen: Fuck him, he's useless.
Dusty and Strawberry Marlow have bonded closer than ever as father and son. Strawberry gladly accepted to be interviewed by Karen Crawford. Strawberry told Karen about his adventures with Strawberry Action Squad and how he recruited Dusty and Gina to help him take out Rob Reiner. The interview turned out to be a success. Strawberry Marlow was named Man Of The Year in the magazine Paradise Confidential. It also aired all over social media just as Karen had planned.
Scene 10 Conclusion:
Six Months Later. Randall, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Karen, and Bullet were all at the Crawford house. Watching the Strawberry Marlow interview.
Karen: Wow! Six months ago today! Where did all the time go?
Bullet: Uhhh, practically wasted. This was the 100th time you showed this to us!
Karen: Hey! I like sharing my accomplishments with you guys!
Randall: Thing of it is. Everything is back to normal to us!
Dusty: I loved watching it 100 times! Kept in touch with Diddy ever since.
Gina: Hope he invites us on another mission. Sure was fun to be with Dusty!
Kevin: Hey, Dad! Maybe you and I can bond the same way Dusty and....
Randall: Forget it!
Kevin: Awwww.....
Bullet: Time for us to go to work and....
Seconds later, Stanley walks into the Crawford House all cured of his head wound.
Stanley: Hey assholes! I just found out it's October! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!
Dusty: Stanley?!
Gina: I was wondering where he was.
Dusty and Gina were closing in on Randall and Kevin.
Gina: Care to explain....
Dusty: We're waaaaiiiiittttttiiiiinnnnggg!
Gina: Is this WHY you needed our help six months ago?
Dusty: Maybe we should be mad at you!!!
Randall and Kevin begin to sweat fearfully.
THE END
Paradise PD Will Be Back In..............Mayor I Shrunk The Hicks!
Fanfic Title
Conspiracy Of None
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
On a lunch break at a roadside diner, Dusty is devouring a triple-stack burger while Gina looks on, impressed.
Dusty: Isn't this cool, Gina? A roadside diner opened here in Paradise! We're the first customers!
Gina: Dusty, you’re one grease trap away from needing a forklift to get back to work. And I like that!
Dusty: (mouth full) No problem, Gina. Paradise PD’s got plenty of forklift operators.
A shadow looms over their table. Strawberry Marlow, Dusty’s estranged soldier dad, enters.
Strawberry: Well, well, if it ain’t my oversized disappointment of a son and his pint-sized taser-happy partner.
Gina: That's what I'm known for!
Dusty: (choking on his burger) Diddy?! What are you doing here?
Gina: Yeah, shouldn't you be with those Strawberry Action Squad guys you train?
Strawberry: Let’s just say I’ve got a new gig: taking down an evil anti-fun organization. Rob Reiner's behind it, and he’s brainwashing kids into banning everything fun. You two in?
Gina: (eyes narrowing) You had me at "evil." Let’s take the 'fun' out of this guy. (laughs)
Strawberry: Girl’s got quite the sense of humor!
Dusty: You're telling me! I'm so glad she's not like those other tough females who hate fun and are no-nonsense. Gina's one of the guys!
Strawberry takes Dusty and Gina to Dusty's house.
Dusty: Diddy, we're going to be late for work.
Strawberry: It'll have to wait. This is more important. In fact, I'm going to call the Paradise PD headquarters and tell them you guys won't be in today.
When Strawberry, Gina, and Dusty arrive at Dusty's house, Strawberry reveals an absurd map of Reiner's compound. Dusty spills ketchup all over it, but everyone rolls with it.
Dusty: Oh shit! (imitates Bullwinkle) Sometimes I can't control my own ketchup.
Strawberry: That's totally fine. I'll let that slide.
Gina: How are we going to track down this twat waffle?
Strawberry: I know exactly where he is.
Using a tracking device app on his Military Cellphone, Strawberry finds out that Rob Reiner is at an Airbnb mansion in Paradise.
Strawberry: Ah-ha! Just as I thought! Rob Reiner is staying at an Airbnb right here by a huge concrete hill. He thinks being in a small town to go about his evil plan means nobody will notice?
Gina: Allow me to quote Judas Priest! He's Got Another Thing Coming!
Strawberry: We'll go to the hill so he won't see us! We'll take my truck.
Dusty: (imitates Rocky J. Squirrel) And now for something we'll really like!
Strawberry: Oh shit! I forgot to call Paradise PD headquarters. And get you two out of work. I'll call right now. (goes to cellphone)
Scene 2:
Getting out of the shower, Randall was drying himself off. Kevin was in the shower using it.
Randall: What a great day this is going to be! I can just feel it now!
After he was drying himself, dressed with only a towel naked underneath, Randall sees Kevin's iPhone and begins to play an APP game.
Randall: Hmmmm, I wonder what THIS could be?
Playing on the iPhone, the APP game was Subway Surfers. Randall begins to play it.
Randall: WOW! This is so fucking awesome! No wonder Kevin has so much fun with this!
Kevin was getting done with his shower and got out. Drying himself, still nude himself. Kevin goes into Randall's bedroom and sees Randall playing Subway Surfers on his iPhone. Kevin is rightfully outraged.
Randall: Wow, Kevin sure has a fun toy!
Kevin: DAD! What the hell!
Randall: Oh hey, Kevin! I was just recharging....yeah that's it!
Kevin: Bullshit! You were playing my Subway Surfers game! Why Dad?
Randall: Uhh, I wanted to try it out.
Kevin: Without my permission!
Randall: Hey, I'm the one who gives permission! As Police Chief of the Paradise PD, I get to do what I want!
Kevin: You have no right to use my iPhone!
Randall: Why not? You're not the President of it!
Kevin (lunging at Randall): President?! I'll show you President!
Randall (jumping towards Kevin): You wanna fight! Bring it on! Motherfucking ball breaker! Let's see what you're made of Apollo Creed!
Taking off their towels, Randall and Kevin found himselves fighting each other totally nude. Not looking where they're going, the fight each other out of Randall's house and are now fighting on the lawn with all the neighbors staring at them. Including Robbie and Delbert.
Robbie: Hey, Delbert! I didn't know American Gladiators was in the town...
Delbert: I wouldn't say that Robbie. More like that nude fighting scene in Borat!
When Randall and Kevin continued to fight, all the other neighbors ran inside scared. Stanley was walking down the street to Randall's house to tell him to get ready for work.
Stanley: Welp, better tell everyone to get ready for work!
Randall and Kevin were still beating up each other not paying attention to their surroundings. Stanley sees them rolling his way.
Stanley: I've never seen this much horribly done choreography since I was in Excuse My Dust with Buster Keaton.
Randall and Kevin unknowingly knock out Stanley who was now on the road unconscious. Stanley now has an open wound on his head. Randall and Kevin stopped fighting.
Kevin: There! That'll teach you not to mess with my Subway Surfers, Dad!
Both looking at Stanley, Kevin and Randall both scream at what they did to him.
Randall: Oh no! We killed Stanley! What'll we do! Karen will have our asses for this! She'll probably give yours to Anton!
Kevin (picks up his iPhone): Yes! My iPhones okay!
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! Stanley could be dead and you're worried about your iPhone! His head is fucking split open!
Kevin: Yeah, it's all your fault Dad! If you never fucked with my Subway Surfers game, none of this would've happened in the first place!
Randall (checks Stanley's pulse): He's still alive from what I can see.
Stanley begins to breathe and get up.
Kevin: Look! Look! He's back to normal!
Stanley vomits and collapses back down on the road.
Kevin: Ooooh! This isn't good. Not good at all...
Randall: I know! Maybe we can make it appear that he's normal.
Kevin: OKay.
Randall: In the meantime we'll clean his wounds too.
Kevin: Whatever it takes.
In the shower section of the holding cells. Randall and Kevin were giving Stanley a shower who was still unconscious struggling to clean the open wound on his head. There were now maggots surrounding Stanley's open head wound.
Randall: I gotta tell you, Kevin. President John F. Kennedy had a less serious head wound than this.
Kevin: At least he didn't have maggots like Stanley does.
Randall: Hand me that scrub brush.
Kevin gives Randall the scrub brush and the wound was still the same after Randall scrubbed it. The maggots were still surrounding the open wound. Observing the maggots, Kevin sees that the maggots have evolved.
Kevin: I think the maggots evolved to the point where they built their own Red Light District.
Sure enough, a Red Light District was being built on Stanley's open head wound. The song "You Sexy Thing" By Hot Chocolate plays for 10 seconds. Randall and Kevin see the more they try to clean the open wound, the worser it gets.
Randall: Goddammit! This is so fucking hopeless! What can be worse?
A cellphone rings and the call was for Randall, he answers it. Karen was on the other end.
Randall: Hello! Karen!
Karen (over cellphone): Oh hi Randall. Seen Stanley around?
Randall (over cellphone): Oh yes yes! He's right here at Headquarters. What do you want with him?
Karen (over cellphone): I want to interview him on social media.
Randall (over cellphone and sweating): Why do you want to do that.....
Karen (over cellphone): So he can tell the good people of Paradise in his own words what it's like to be the World's Oldest Living Policeman.
Randall (over cellphone) What would be a good day?
Karen (over cellphone): Wednesday would be good.
Randall (over cellphone): Okay, sure! Wednesday it is! See ya! Bye!
Karen (over cellphone): Bye!
Hanging up the cellphone. Randall tells Kevin about Karen wanting to interview Stanley.
Randall: We're really in for it now, Kevin.
Kevin: Oh no! As Tank Girl once said, "WHAT NOW?!"
Randall: That was your mother on the phone, Karen wants to interview Stanley on Wednesday to tell everyone what it's like to be the World's Oldest Policeman!
Kevin: Ooooooooh! What if Stanley isn't better by Wednesday?!
Waling into Paradise PD Headquarters Bullet was talking to Strawberry Marlow over the phone.
Bullet: What? Dusty and Gina won't be coming to work today? Why? Because they have to assassinate Rob Reiner? So they're not going to be part of the subplot in this fanfic at all then? Right? Okay. I'll let Randall and Kevin know. Bye.
Walking into the shower room, Bullet sees Kevin and Randall and an unconscious Stanley with an open head wound.
Kevin: Uhhh, hey Bullet? You didn't hear anything did you?
Bullet: Uh, no, why..... (screams): What happened here? Did Stanley drop the soap? (laughs)
Randall: No you fucking fleabag. Kevin and I by accident bumped into Stanley.
Kevin: To make matters worse, Mom wants to interview him in two days!
Bullet: So you knocked him into a coma, I see. How long has Stanley been unconscious?
Kevin: Holy shit! Dad! He knows! Bullet, we are so sorry. We wanted to tell somebody but we were too scared....and I wanted to take him to the hospital. But Dad wouldn't let me!
Bullet (writing on a piece of paper): I see Randall you have great instincts. I used to knock out Mrs Whiskers with Sedafed. You just got to cover it up and eventually it all works out!
Kevin gets a paper handed to him by Bullet.
Bullet: Kevin, here are a list of gauze and surgical tape. I need these by four o'clock.
Randall: Good idea, Bullet.
Kevin: Why do I have to get the gauze and tape?
Randall: Because you're a rookie! That's why.
Kevin: You know, Dusty and Gina haven't been around. They'd know what to do.
Randall: You're right, Kevin. Where the hell have they been?
Bullet: Funny you mentioned that. I just got a call from Dusty's so-called "Diddy". He told me to tell you that Dusty and Gina are on a mission for Strawberry Marlow to assassinate Rob Reiner.
Randall: You mean, Meathead?
Bullet: I really don't know the whole story.
Randall: I never liked Meathead on the show anyway. I've always indentified with Archie!
Kevin: We'll deal with Stanley ourselves without them.
Scene 3:
At the auditorium of The All Girls High School. Rob Reiner stands on stage, addressing a crowd of wide-eyed children and concerned teachers.
Rob Reiner: (dramatically) Kids, let me tell you something. Candy is the root of all evil. It rots your teeth, clouds your judgment, and distracts you from achieving greatness. Together, we can banish candy from our lives and embrace a healthier, more productive future!
The kids murmur nervously. Zeta sits in the front row, glaring at Reiner.
Zeta: (whispering to herself) This guy’s nuts.
Reiner pulls out a chart showing exaggerated statistics about candy consumption leading to world chaos.
Rob Reiner: (pointing to the chart) See? Candy is a gateway to destruction! Join me, and we’ll create a candy-free world!
The teachers applaud hesitantly, while the kids look horrified. Zeta sneaks out of the assembly, determined to tell Fitz and Brett what she just witnessed. Meanwhile, at Lovely Corp., Fitz and Brett DeMarco are home with their adopted daughter Zeta, who has just returned from school looking disturbed.
Zeta: Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett! You won’t believe it! Rob Reiner hosted an assembly today, and he told us candy is evil! CANDY!
Fitz: (spits out coffee) Nobody tells my little girl candy is evil. Nobody.
Brett DeMarco: (pulling out his laptop) Let’s see what this Reiner guy is really up to.
Fitz and Brett do their usual over-the-top research montage, complete with conspiracy boards and dramatic lighting. They discover Reiner’s "anti-fun" group is a front for world domination.
Brett DeMarco: I can't believe this! He's close to us! At an Airbnb no less!
Fitz: (slamming fist on table) We’re taking this guy out. Zeta deserves a world where candy is king.
Scene 4:
On the concrete hilltop. Strawberry stops his truck. Gina and Dusty load up on guns. Down below them was the Air BNB Mansion where Rob Reiner was residing. Strawberry was spying on them with a telescope. Dusty and Gina had a homing device and was listening to everything Rob Reiner was saying.In a dimly lit room filled with smoke machines and neon signs that read “No Fun Allowed,” Rob Reiner stands at the head of a long table. Around him sit his henchmen—a motley crew of eccentric characters, each representing a different “banned” activity. One wears roller skates, another has a guitar slung over their back, and a third is juggling candy bars. They were all black.
Rob Reiner: (slamming his fist on the table) Listen up, team! We’ve already made strides in banning candy, smoking, and anything remotely enjoyable. But we’re just getting started. Paradise is the perfect testing ground for our next phase.
The henchman with the guitar speaks up.
Guitar Henchman: What’s next, dawg? Music festivals? Open mic nights? Poetry slams?
Rob Reiner: (grinning wickedly) All of it. Music, laughter, spontaneous dance parties—gone. We’ll replace them with mandatory seminars on the dangers of fun.
The roller-skating henchman spins in their chair.
Roller-Skating Henchman: And what about sports, yo! Kids love sports.
Rob Reiner: (nodding) Excellent point. Sports are a gateway to joy. We’ll ban dodgeball, kickball, and especially anything involving trampolines. Paradise will be the dullest town in America, and from there, we’ll expand globally!
The candy-juggling henchman drops a Snickers bar in shock.
Candy Henchman: But boss, what if people fight back, man?!
Rob Reiner: (leaning in, eyes narrowing) That’s why we start small. Paradise is corrupt. No order at all. By the time they realize what’s happening, it’ll be too late. Now, let’s get to work. Fun doesn’t ban itself!
The henchmen cheer half-heartedly, then shuffle off to prepare for their next mission. Reiner stands alone, gazing at a map of Paradise with a sinister smile.
Rob Reiner: (to himself) Paradise, your days of fun are numbered.
After listening in. Strawberry gives Dusty a rifle.
Gina: Ooooh! You are so sexy holding that rifle.
Dusty: To tell you guys the truth. I have used a gun, but I'm a terrible aim. What if I miss?
Ignoring Dusty's complaint about being bad at shooting a rifle. Strawberry gives him a pep talk.
Strawberry: Dusty, we want you to do a duty for this town. We want you to go out there, and destroy Rob Reiner!
Dusty: Can you at least give me some shooting lessons, first?
Gina: Let me shoot him! So I can rape his corpse!
Strawberry: OKay. Here. We'll shoot that cactus over there. Let's pretend it's Rob Reiner!
Taking the rifle away from Dusty. Strawberry shoots the cactus.
Dusty: Great aim, Diddy!
Gina: Been watching too many Danny Aiello movies I see!
Strawberry: That's right, Gina. It's from the movie Ruby.
Dusty: Ooooh! I still don't know how to handle a rifle.
Strawberry: For right now, we'll go back to Dusty's place and teach him how to be a better aim.
Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry all drive back to Dusty's house. In his backyard, Strawberry teaches Dusty how to be a better aim.
Strawberry: What are you waiting for, boy! Shoot!
Dusty (sighs): I can't. It's hopeless. We'll never get Rob Reiner now.
Gina: Once we get through with you, you'll be even more badass than Ricky Spanish!
Strawberry: Whatever are you talking about, Gina?
Gina: What? You guys never watched American Dad?
With encouragement and determination. Strawberry and Gina teach Dusty how to be a better aim with a rifle.
Scene 4:
After showering Stanley. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were debating on what to do until Karen's big interview with Stanley.
Bullet: Even though I never liked the dude, I'll help you guys!
Kevin: Hey wait! We can't let anyone know about this. Where are we going to keep Stanley until then?
Bullet: Where else, my dog house. Nobody looks in there but me.
Randall (laughs): I'm all for that. But on Wednesday we'll take him back to his home at You Store It Some and take care of him ourselves. We'll move him around like a puppet if we have to. When Karen interviews him. Are we clear?
Kevin: Crystal Clear Dad!
Bullet: CLAR!
Randall: What the fuck, Bullet? CLAR?!!
Bullet: Oh sorry. I got high last night while watching A Bridge Too Far!
Kevin (imitating Stanley and moving him around like a puppet): A Bridge Too Far! That's one of my favorite Ryan O'Neal movies. I had a homosexual affair with him, oh wocka wocka!
Randall and Bullet look at Kevin in contempt.
Kevin: Just getting him ready for his big interview. (laughs nervously) Think I'll go get that stuff on Bullet's list!
Randall and Bullet put Stanley in Bullet's doghouse as Kevin goes out to buy some gauze and surgical tape.
Scene 5:
Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry are on their way to Reiner’s mansion in a beat-up truck. At the same time, Fitz and Brett are speeding there in their over-modified Prius.
Gina: (noticing the Prius in her rearview mirror) Hey, isn’t that Fitz and Brett? What the fuck are those shit faces doing here?
Strawberry: (laughs) Looks like we’ve got competition. Let’s show ‘em how assassins roll.
What ensues is a ridiculous competition of sabotage. Fitz and Brett bump into the beat up truck.
Strawberry: Holy fuck! Who do these assfuckers think I am? Ben Hur?
Gina: Dusty! Teach these guy nobody fucks with us!
Going into his pockets. Dusty finds then hurls cheeseburgers at the Prius, while Brett uses glitter bombs to blind their truck.
Dusty: Feel the wrath of my cheeseburgers, bitches!
The glitter bombs turned out to be duds. The force of Dusty throwing cheeseburgers at Fitz and Brett's Prius caused them to swerve out of control. Thankfully Fitz crashed into shrubbery.
Strawberry: Wow son! When it comes to cheeseburgers you kick ass!
Dusty: Thanks Diddy! That means a lot!
Strawberry: In the meantime be better with a rifle!
Fitz and Brett get out of the Prius.
Brett DeMarco: FUCK! SHIT! They're going to get Reiner before we do!
Fitz: Maybe we should let them go first.
Brett DeMarco: But why? They'll get all the credit.
Fitz: Here's the plan. When they arrive, we'll sneak up behind them.
Brett DeMarco: OKay, then what?
Fitz: That's when we'll shoot that fatass fucker! (evilly laughs)
Scene 6:
Both teams sneak into Reiner’s lair The Air BNB on the concrete hill. Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina are inside a attic at the Air BNB. Fitz and Brett are on the roof about the go through the chimney, but decide against it to do some investigating on their laptops and toolkits.
Strawberry: OKay, we made it. Very important for us to keep our mouths shut!
Gina: Got it, we don't want them to hear us.
Dusty: So, how are we going to pull this off?
After infiltrating Reiner’s lair, Dusty and Gina stumble upon a room filled with plans and blueprints for a massive project titled "Operation Snackpocalypse."
Gina: (looking at the blueprints) It's like he's plotting to make the world a boring place!
Dusty: (sniffing the air) Smells like candy. Evil candy.
Strawberry: All we need to do it find out where he is storing the ingredients for this 'candy'.
Putting on some X Ray Vision goggles, Strawberry sees Rob Reiner and his henchmen in the room across from the attic.
Dusty (whispering): that dude with the guitar looks like Mario Van Peebles from Heartbreak Ridge.
Guitar Henchman: Yo Yo Yo Wassup! Where are you keeping those ingridents?
Rob Reiner: Where I always keep everything. In my huge fat stomach!
Candy Henchman: Damn you are the shit! Wouldn't that get disgested?
Rob Reiner: I have an iron stomach that got sugerically put inside me to mix everything.
Roller Skate Henchman: How y'all going to take it all out and process it into brainwashing candy that makes people hate fun?
Guitar Henchman: I know! He'll do it out his ass!
Rob Reiner (throws guitar across the room): THAT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Don't either of you make fun of my poo, I mean goo! GOT IT!
Guitar, Roller Skate, and Candy Henchman (all together): YO MAN!
Strawberry: He's more insane then we thought.
Dusty: Really? Who in the fuck would put iron in your own stomach? That takes the fun out of eating!
Strawberry: This ain’t just any candy—Reiner's creating a supercharged formula to eliminate happiness altogether. Kids eat it, and suddenly they hate cartoons, snacks, and even puppies.
Gina: That’s some diabolical bullshit! We need to stop this Snackpocalypse, pronto.
Meanwhile, Fitz and Brett uncover the same plan while hacking into Reiner's servers. Still on the roof. They realize Reiner has planted these candies in schools across the nation and even plans to release them into the air using drones.
Fitz: (typing furiously) I knew candy was too good to be true. He’s weaponized it!
Brett DeMarco: (grabbing his toolkit) This just got personal. Nobody messes with Zeta’s puppy joy.
Fitz: We gotta move!
Brett DeMarco: And blow Rob Reiner off the fucking planet before Dusty, Gina, and that old dude do!
Fitz: Yeah, you're right they did have an old man with them. Who the fuck is it?
Brett DeMarco: Guess we'll know soon.
Fitz and Brett slide down the chimneys. Sneaking out of the upstairs attic. Strawberry hands Dusty the rifle. Gina soon follows. In the room across from the attic, Rob Reiner tells his henchmen to take a break.
Rob Reiner: You guys can go take 5. Then come back.
Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skate all go into another room.
Strawberry: OKay, those henchmen are gone. Now is our chance! Oh and Dusty. Since Rob Reiner has an iron stomach, try to aim for his ass!
Gina: We're counting on you, Dusty!
Dusty: Okay! Ready or not.....cheese and tatters, here I go!
Aiming the rifle at Rob Reiner's ass. He sits down in his room trying to figure out what 'fun' thing he wants to get rid of next.
Rob Reiner: Imagine how far I can go with this Snackpocalypse! Maybe I can get rid of vaping! Why stop there! I'll get rid of social media too! First I'll attack Youtube, Facebook, then Instagram, then Tiktok......
Fitz and Brett are also getting ready to fire at Rob Reiner themselves. Dusty had the rifle aimed at Rob Reiner's ass.
Gina: Wait for it....wait for it!
Strawberry: OKay, shoot now!
At the same time, Dusty shoot Rob Reiner in the ass. All the ingredients for Snackpocalypse came out through his left thigh!
Rob Reiner: FUCK!!!! OH NO! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY PRECIOUS GOO! Snackpocalypse is dead! MY GOO! MY GOO! MY FUCKING GOO! WHO COULD'VE DONE THIS!
Strawberry: Good job! Son! After this I'll make you both honorary members of Strawberry Action Squad!
Dusty: I actually did it! Who knew!
Brett shoots Rob Reiner in the head ending his life. Just as Fitz and Brett were about to run away. They are seen by Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina.
Strawberry: You cock suckers again?!?!?!
Gina: You're both too late you twat waffles! We got to him first!
Fitz: You may have shot that goo out of him, but we killed his ass!
Dusty (hears footsteps): SHIT! Somebody's coming!
Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skates all run to see Rob Reiner dead. The three henchmen all spot Fitz, Brett, Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina.
Candy Henchman: YO MAN! YOU FUCKIN' little FREAKS! Which one of you did this to our great leader?
Strawberry throws the rifle in Fitz's and Brett's direction!
Dusty: THEY DID IT! IT WAS THEM!
Gina: WE SAW THEM DO IT! PROVE US WRONG!
Strawberry: Now, we GO!
Gina, Dusty, and Strawberry all ran away out of the Air BNB the same way they came in. Now Guitar, Candy, and Roller Skates had their sights on Fitz and Brett. Guns were aimed at the evil Lovely Corp duo.
Guitar: Shoot yo asses fulla lead!
Fitz and Brett were able to run away from the gunshots. Guitar's gun runs out of bullets so, he comes at them with his guitar.
Guitar: NOW I'M READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!!!!
Fitz takes the guitar and rips out the strings and strangles Guitar until he is blue in the face. Brett throws Rob Reiner's 'goo' in Candy's and Roller Skates's direction causing them to slip. As Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina got away. Fitz and Brett were faced with the consequences. Both were running to their Prius and got inside.
Brett DeMarco: Good! Think we lost them!
Fitz: Let's hope so.
A gunshot shattered a window in their Prius.
Fitz: WHAT THE HELL!
Roller Skates slid up to the Prius and had a gun on Fitz. Both Fitz and Brett grabbed Roller Skates by the hand and bumped his hand into the car horn, in hopes the gun in Roller Skates hand will be dropped. Loudly blaring. That signaled Candy. Who ran up to the other side of the Prius to try to save Roller Skates. Candy aimed his gun at Fitz and Brett.
Candy: YOU'RE DEAD NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!
A gun blast is heard and as it turns out, Candy had shot Roller Skates in the head by accident.
Fitz: You're going for a joy ride!
Brett DeMarco (grabs Candy by the hand): Would you like to go faster!
Fitz drives the Prius in fast speeds with Brett dragging Candy. Driving about a half a mile, Brett gets Candy's gun and shoots him in the face leaving him for dead. Fitz and Brett speed off into night in the Prius. Candy and Roller Skates were both dead in the street. Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina all watched from the sidelines.
Dusty (laughs): Glad that wasn't us! We got off easy!
Strawberry: Yep let the enemy deal with the hard part!
Dusty: We prevented a disaster from happening!
Gina: Wow! Got some serious James Gandolfini vibes watching that whole thing!
Strawberry: I never saw that actor do anything like that in any of his works.
Gina: WHAT?! You guys never watched The Sopranos?
All the drones that were headed to the schools have exploded. The candy exploded along with the drones. Some candy that was hidden away in the schools has melted into oblivion. Some of the melted candy went under a bridge where Hobo Cop was living.
Hobo Cop: OH BOY! DINNER!
Eating the melted candy, Hobo Cop becomes possessed and starts hoping around.
Hobo Cop: G'NAP! G'NAP! G'NAP!
Calling the Air BNB Hotline on his cellphone. Strawberry Marlow sent a report and had the Air BNB condemned where Rob Reiner and his now dead henchmen were staying. Now that all the rooms were covered in the evil candy "goo" Rob Reiner had in his iron stomach. The drones exploded into fireworks and Strawberry, Dusty, and Gina were enjoying the sights.
Strawberry: So beautiful!
Dusty: A magnificent sight.
Gina: A sight to behold.
Scene 7:
Wednesday was here. Karen was driving over to You Store It Some where Stanley lived. Bullet, Kevin, and Randall were inside the storage unit where Stanley resided. Who now had a huge bandage over his head about ready to come off.
Bullet (pulls the bandage off Stanley's head): Let's see what we're dealing with here.
Kevin: Careful, Bullet. OOOOOOH! Please let Stanley's wound be completely better. PLEASE! (wringing his hands)
Randall: Be realistic here, Kevin. Paradise PD isn't one of those 'other' cartoons where a character gets badly hurt and is back in the next scene all better like nothing happened to them!
Slowly taking off the bandage. Stanley's head wound was now even worse. And gave off a horrid stench
Bullet: I heard of brain rot, right now, we're experiencing it! (gags). Reminds me of the time when Dusty's cat Mr Meowgi ate Mrs Whiskers brain.
Randall: SHIT! How are we going to explain this to Karen?!?! She's going to be here in....
Looking at his GPS App on his Iphone, Randall tracks down Karen's car.
Randall: In five minutes!
Kevin: He hasn't made any progress at all. No improvement.....
Randall: Well we need to be fess up to the facts. We're fucked.
Kevin: You're right, Dad. We might as well face the music and......
Bullet: I got an idea! Follow my lead!
Kevin: NO NO NO! I'm done with covering this all thing up! I'm going to do what we should've done in the first place. We're taking Stanley to the hospital.
Bullet: Look, just trust me on this. I have one last plan.
Randall (looks at his GPA App): Hope this crazy plan of yours works!
As Karen's car was approaching closer. Bullet, Randall, and Kevin ran out of You Store It Some. Bullet throws Stanley in the path of Karen's car. Stanley was run over as Karen came running out.
Bullet: See? We put the frame on her and have her deal with it!
Karen: Oh my gosh! Stanley! I'm a murderer! Just like Laura Bush! (getting hysterical): OH GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?! (sobs)
Randall: Looks like you ran over him, Karen!
Karen: Please no! This can't be happening! He's unconscious! (running to Randall): Randall! We have to cover this up!
Bullet: Yeah Karen! What do you suggest?!
Karen: I was supposed to interview him today. Maybe we could cover the wound with a hat, and use makeup to make it look like his eyes are open? Or even better. How about we do an animated AI hologram of Stanley?
Kevin: Wow, Mom is sure with the times.
Randall: I love you so much right now, Karen! Let's take him to the hospital.
Bullet, Kevin, Randall, and Karen all take Stanley's unconscious body into Karen's car and drove to the Hospital.
Scene 8:
At Paradise Hospital. Stanley's condition seemed critical. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were pacing around. Waiting for any type of news at this point.
Randall: How long can this go on?
Bullet: How long does this kind of thing take?
Karen walks in.
Kevin: Sorry, Mom. No word yet on Stanley.
Karen: I've decided I won't do his interview after all.
Kevin (looks inside hospital room): Okay, how comes Dr. Funtlicher.
Coming out of Stanley's hospital room. Dr Funtlicher delivers some news about Stanley's head wound condition.
Randall: Is he going to be okay, doctor?
Dr. Funtlicher: I put him in a medically induced coma. For about six months. If he doesn't come through until then. You guys must consider a Kevorikan method.
Bullet (cynically): Let me guess, the suicide machine.
Dr Funtlicher: That's one way of putting it, yes.
Kevin: Well, he was bound to die. Let's face it, Stanley is over 100 years old.
Randall: They're keeping him alive for six months.
Karen: Guess we can go home and check in on him every now and then.
Bullet, Randall, Karen, and Kevin all walk out of the hospital. Only to run into Dusty, Gina, and Strawberry.
Kevin: Good to see you guys again.
Randall: Where the fuck have you two BEEN!
Bullet: We sure could've used your help!
Strawberry: Dusty and Gina helped me assassinate Rob Reiner!
Karen: Rob Reiner was in town and I was not informed!
Dusty: We had an awesome adventure! And I got to spend time with my Diddy!
Kevin: You would not believe the hellish time we had.
Gina: We'll explain it on the way.
Headed to Paradise PD Headquarters, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Bullet, and Randall all go back. Strawberry comes along with them.
Scene 9:
At the conference room in Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall demands to know where Dusty and Gina were.
Randall: Okay! You both better explain.
Dusty: You're not mad at us are you?
Gina: Strawberry here called you and told you we weren't going to be in.
Strawberry: Dusty's right. No need to be mad at anyone. I'll explain.
Bullet: Let's hear how you got Rob Reiner! The only good thing he did was the short lived Morton and Hayes show.
Strawberry: It all begins like this....
A flashback sequences plays out. Strawberry finds himself back in Paradise. Getting off on a bus.
Strawberry: I wanted to return to my hometown for a while. So I can get to know Dusty a little better. I regret all that time I spent apart from him when me and my Strawberry Action Squad were on the 20 Year Mission. I rented an Air BNB on a concrete hill.
A scene shows Strawberry going inside the same Air BNB that Rob Reiner was residing in.
Strawberry: I was kicked out immediately by 3 black guys who worked him for. Candy, Roller Skates, and Guitar were their names. I checked into a hotel across the street.
A scene shows Strawberry inside a hotel room. Looking through a telescope. He also had a laptop with a speaker on it. A prostitute dressed as a scarecrow was waiting to have sex with him.
Strawberry: Then I decided to spy on that Sumbitch. And lo and behold. Just as I suspected. He was up to fucking no good.
Prostitute: HEY! YOU GOING TO FUCK ME OR ARE YOU GOING TO JUST FUCK AROUND?
Strawberry: IN A MINUTE PEARL! Sheesh!
Listening to everything Rob Reiner says in the flashback sequence. Strawberry studied him carefully.
Rob Reiner: Listen to me my minions! This is the most out of order town I have ever come across! We will initiate Snackpocalypse! We begin by making evil candy in my iron stomach!
Strawberry: I listened to every scheme he's going to play out step by step. I knew his plan the whole time.
Flashback sequence ends.
Strawberry: Then I tracked down Dusty my son. And recruited he and Gina to help me assassinate his sorry ass. And I got to bond with Dusty in the process.
Dusty: Wow, Diddy! Had no idea you wanted to reconnect with me.
Strawberry: We're reunited now son. You and Gina are invited to come on a mission with me anytime you'd like!
Dusty: Thanks, Diddy!
Randall: All right. I'll let this one go.
Karen bursts into Paradise PD Conference Room.
Kevin: MOM! I thought you went back to City Hall!
Karen: I could not help but overhear. I've been looking for an local elderly man to do an interview. Strawberry Marlow! Are you available?
Strawberry: You have my permission!
Bullet: What if Stanley comes out of his coma?
Karen: Fuck him, he's useless.
Dusty and Strawberry Marlow have bonded closer than ever as father and son. Strawberry gladly accepted to be interviewed by Karen Crawford. Strawberry told Karen about his adventures with Strawberry Action Squad and how he recruited Dusty and Gina to help him take out Rob Reiner. The interview turned out to be a success. Strawberry Marlow was named Man Of The Year in the magazine Paradise Confidential. It also aired all over social media just as Karen had planned.
Scene 10 Conclusion:
Six Months Later. Randall, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, Karen, and Bullet were all at the Crawford house. Watching the Strawberry Marlow interview.
Karen: Wow! Six months ago today! Where did all the time go?
Bullet: Uhhh, practically wasted. This was the 100th time you showed this to us!
Karen: Hey! I like sharing my accomplishments with you guys!
Randall: Thing of it is. Everything is back to normal to us!
Dusty: I loved watching it 100 times! Kept in touch with Diddy ever since.
Gina: Hope he invites us on another mission. Sure was fun to be with Dusty!
Kevin: Hey, Dad! Maybe you and I can bond the same way Dusty and....
Randall: Forget it!
Kevin: Awwww.....
Bullet: Time for us to go to work and....
Seconds later, Stanley walks into the Crawford House all cured of his head wound.
Stanley: Hey assholes! I just found out it's October! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!
Dusty: Stanley?!
Gina: I was wondering where he was.
Dusty and Gina were closing in on Randall and Kevin.
Gina: Care to explain....
Dusty: We're waaaaiiiiittttttiiiiinnnnggg!
Gina: Is this WHY you needed our help six months ago?
Dusty: Maybe we should be mad at you!!!
Randall and Kevin begin to sweat fearfully.
THE END
Paradise PD Will Be Back In..............Mayor I Shrunk The Hicks!
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