Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Balloon City
0 reviewsRandall and Kevin take the day off from work to go sports gambling. Dusty and Gina must protect a visiting comedian.
0Unrated
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
Balloon City
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Driving down the streets of Paradise. Randall and Kevin were in a squad car on their way to Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Another day of a work, hey Kevin?
Kevin: It's Saturday. Wish we could do something a little more...say I don't know. Fun.
Randall: Police are on duty 24/7. Police work knows no weekends!
As the squad drove down the street, Randall drove by a newly opened Sports Bar called Balloon City.
Randall: Hmmmm. Maybe you're right for once, Kevin! Let's check this place out! We can't be proper all the time now can we?
Kevin: Now you're talking!
Parking the squad car on the curb. Randall and Kevin walk inside Balloon City. What they see before them is a typical sports bar and restaurant. A neon-drenched restaurant/bar hybrid, packed with sports fans. Randall, Bullet, and Kevin sit at a sticky booth, glaring at a massive TV screen. Stanley was at the front door as a greeter.
Stanley: Good Afternoon Gents!
Randall: Stanley! What the fucking hell are you doing here?
Stanley: Can I check your hats, please?
Kevin: He's like Gregory Heines in History Of The World Part 1.
Randall: Don't talk about the dead, Kevin!
Kevin: Won't mention it again!
Randall and Kevin look all around with excitement.
Kevin: Wow! This place is awesome! What should we do first?
Bullet walks up to Randall and Kevin.
Randall: Bullet?!?!?
Kevin: You're here, too?
Bullet: Of course! Looking for something to do? I recently discovered sports gambling! Wanna try?
Randall: It's on! (Bangs table) If the Wildcats lose, I’m out three hundred bucks and my dignity!
Bullet (Laughs, lighting a cigar) You never had dignity, you bureaucratic husk.
Kevin (Desperate): I just wanna win enough to afford those limited edition Pokémon cards, man!
From across the bar, Robbie and Delbert watch with simmering hatred.
Robbie: There they are. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet. About to become Balloon City’s biggest losers.
Delbert: I’d rather lick a Gas Station sushi than spend a minute near those guys.
Robbie: (Leaning in) Let’s ruin them.
Unaware of Robbie and Delbert's plot. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet wonder where Dusty and Gina are.
Randall: Anyone seen Dusty and Gina.
Kevin: They ought to see this!
Bullet: Nah, let's just have this time for ourselves! (calling out) Everyone! Gather around and place some bets! (sees some female strippers) That goes for you too, hot stripper whores!
Scene 2:
Mayor Karen Crawford stands behind her desk, looking annoyed, sipping a protein shake with questionable ingredients.
Karen: Alright, listen up, you walking cholesterol bomb and rageaholic! Dave Attell’s flying into town, and I want you two asshats to pick him up from the airport.
Dusty (excited): Oh mah stars! Dave Attell! Bullet always said he sounds like he gargled thumbtacks before hitting the stage!
Gina (rolling eyes) I don’t give a flying shitfuck about stand-up comedy unless it involves someone getting punched in the mouth.
Karen: Get your asses out there, and just do the damn job! And make sure Paradise PD doesn’t become Paradise TMZ in the process!
Walking out of Karen's office. Dusty and Gina were now outside, loading up in a battered squad car with a broken siren that only plays the "Law & Order" dun-dun sound.
Dusty: Did you just hear that sound, Gina?
Gina: Yeah, actually I did.
Dusty: It sounded like (imitates Law and Order dun-dun sound)
Gina: We're cops. So anytime a cop hears that sound. That means there's trouble ahead.
Dusty: I hate trouble and danger. Sometimes I wonder why I even bacame a cop.
Gina: Let's go to the airport and pick up Dave Attel. Maybe we can take him to that newly opened Sports Bar Balloon City.
Dusty: Like the name of this fanfic!
Gina and Dusty drove to the Paradise Airport to pick up Dave Attel.
Scene 3:
At Balloon City Sports Bar. Robbie and Delbert walk over to Randall, Kevin, and Bullet.
Randall: What the fuck do you both want?
Robbie: This is our turf! We were here first!
Delbert: No way we're going to have you cops take over our fun spot!
Randall: We're here because we want to do some sports gambling!
Kevin: We were going to until you two showed up.
Bullet: Dudes! Dudes! Let's settle this like men! There's a football game going on and we can place our money on who we predict is going to win!
Robbie: Are you challenging us to a Gamble Off?
Delbert: Which team you bettin' on?
Randall: Why the Wildcats of Course!
Kevin: Me too! Wildcats for me!
Bullet: I'm for the Wildcats too!
Robbie: Okay, we bet our money on Texas Rangers!
Delbert: Our favorite team!
Randall: OKay! We accept! Once we get through with you, Robbie and Delbert are going to be Eight Men Out! (laughs)
Kevin and Bullet look at him weird.
Randall: What? It's a sports gambling movie! And that's what we're going to be doing!
Kevin: All right! Let's bring it!
Bullet: Prepare to lose! If you do, this place is ours forever!
Robbie: If you guys lose you never show your faces here again!
Delbert (turns on a jukebox): Let's put on a little mood music!
Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were going to start to square off against Robbie and Delbert as everyone in Balloon City sports bad spectates.
Scene 4:
Dusty and Gina wait impatiently at baggage claim. Dusty munches on an airport pretzel the size of a car tire.
Gina: If this guy takes one more second, I swear I’m gonna check every bald twat waffle for stand-up energy and drag him outta here myself.
Suddenly, Dave Attell emerges, looking half-asleep and holding a travel mug that probably contains pure whiskey.
Dave Attell: You guys look like extras from the movie Urban Cowboy!
Dusty: (laughs) Welcome to Paradise! That's a Green Day song by the way! We’re your official escorts, like the Secret Service, but with more cholesterol issues and unfiltered rage.
The trio moves towards the exit—but in the shadows, Fitz and Brett DeMarco watch from behind a newsstand full of overpriced tabloids.
Fitz: Damn Brett! Are you looking at Hustler again!
Brett DeMarco: Hey, I can't help that I'm woman crazy!
Fitz: Ah ha! So you admit it!
Brett DeMarco: Fucking fine! You fucking caught me! All right? You win!
Fitz: Let's focus okay! We have our target in range!
Brett DeMarco: OKay! (looks at Dave Atell) There’s our prize. Get ready to grab him and force him into Lovely Corp’s comedy dungeon. (to the screen) It's just an expression, folks.
Fitz (stroking his chin like a villain in an 80s action movie): Imagine the ratings… Forced laughs, uncomfortable sweat, and sponsorships from deodorant companies.
Brett DeMarco: Since you say Lovely Corp needs more comedy. He'd be a perfect ingredient!
Fitz: Indeed so, Brett!
Brett DeMarco and Fitz prepare to put their plan into action....Kidnap Dave Attell!
Scene 5:
As Dusty and Gina escort Dave Attell. Dusty notices Dave Attell has a DVD of the Fellini movie 8 1/2. in his backpack. It triggered a memory to Dusty's childhood.
Dusty (whispering) Holy shit… Mom’s favorite movie.
Suddenly in a flashback sequence. A young Dusty sits in his childhood home, watching 8½ with his Mom, who holds a cigarette and a massive tub of buttered popcorn.
Young Dusty: Mom, why is this movie in black and white?
Dusty's Mom: It's the way the director wanted to make it. Besides, we can use a little culture in this house! Oh when this is over...
Young Dusty: Yeah, Mama?
Dusty's Mom: I want you to act 8 1/2 up here! (points to Dusty's head)
Watching in awe as the dreamy visuals of Federico Fellini’s masterpiece unfold. Back in present day, Dusty clutches the DVD, misty-eyed. Until he drops it.
Dusty (whispering) That was a good night... Before everything went completely insane.
Dave Attell: Oh thank you! That movie must've dropped out of my bag!
Gina: Anyway, you're going to love it here in Paradise! Wait until you see what this town has to offer!
Dave Attell: Hopefully it has a fun night life like I did when I traveled on my Comedy Central show.
Walking out of the airport and into the squad car, Dusty and Gina were about to go inside to show Dave Attell around Paradise. That was until a delivery van was driving in their direction and picked up Dave Attell. Dusty and Gina try to stop the van.
Gina (to Dusty): Move your sexy ass! Dave Attell is getting swiped by corporate creeps!
Dusty and Gina were already too date. Dave Attell yelled for help as the deivery van shut it's door revealing the Lovely Corp symbol painted neatly designed.
Gina: Mother fucker! It was our responsibility to protect him from shit moments like this!
Dusty: I know right? Karen's gonna kill us!
Gina: Those motherfuckers pulled an Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade on us!
Dusty: WHat's going to become of poor Dave Attell now?
The Lovely Corp delivery truck speeds away, blowing Dusty and Gina into the wind. Inside the Lovely Corp Delivery Van. Dave Attell demands to know his fate!
Dave Attell: What are you going to do to me?
Fitz: You’re about to host the number one comedy podcast in America… against your will!
Dave Attell: Oh shit! I knew this day would come.
Scene 6:
Back at Balloon City Sports Bar. The Fatboy Slim song It's a Wonderful Night was playing on a jukebox. 3 hours into the football game. As the game intensifies, Bullet celebrates a goal. As half naked female strippers were dancing around them.
Bullet: YES! Suck it, nerds! This is better than the time I bet against the Titanic staying afloat!
Randall: Wildcats rule! Texas Rangers fucking suck dick!
Claiming victory, Randall smugly waves his winnings. Kevin stood quietly not knowing what to think.
Randall: Three hundred bucks, baby! That’s two nights of regrettable life choices!
Suddenly jumping onto the table. Robbie and Delbert shock, Kevin, Bullet, Randall, and everyone else in the bar.
Robbie: You think you’re hot stuff, huh? Betting like you own this fucking joint?!
Bullet: Yes we do! We're about to win! Jealous much?! By tonight, the only joint you're going to own is a Mary Jane! HA!
Kevin: (Shrinks) Can I just—uh—cash out?
Delbert: Oh, you’re cashing out alright. Right into the dumpster where you belong!
Chaos erupts. Drinks fly, tables flip, someone gets strangled with a Chuck E. Cheese token necklace. A manager nervously flips a sign: Now Hiring! Even half naked strippers join the fight. The brawl ends with Kevin covered in nacho cheese, Randall missing a shoe, and Bullet smoking a broken cigar.
Randall: (Sighs) I gotta stop betting.
Bullet: Or start winning.
The camera zooms out as Delbert and Robbie fist-bump, victorious.
Kevin (sobs): What'll we do now?
Randall: Let's just go back to headquarters where we belong!
Kevin: GOod idea (sobs)
Bullet: Last time I come to Balloon City. Hopefully Dusty and Gina are having a better time than us.
Stanley: Check your hats?
Randall: FUCK OFF STANLEY!
Feeling disgraced. Kevin, Bullet, and Randall walk back to Paradise PD POlice Headquarters.
Scene 7:
Now at Lovely Corp. Fitz and Brett DeMarco have Dave Attell in their clutches. Fitz, Brett have a room with podcast equipment all around with a banner that reads “Lovely Corp Presents: Podcast Dungeon."
Dave Attell: Alright, this officially sucks. Kidnapped, forced to podcast—this is how Marc Maron started, isn’t it?
Fitz: Shut the fuck up, Dave! You're the key to bring comedy into Lovely Corp!
Brett DeMarco: We were sick and tired of the humdrum image this company seems to have.
Fitz: And you're the key to making it more...say, colorful!
Getting a remote control to seal in the Podcast Room. Before it can slam the door shut, Dusty and Gina crash through the metal door. Korn's Dead Bodies Everywhere plays.
Gina: (cracks knuckles) If you two dipshits don’t let him go, I’m gonna make sure your medical bills look like a Tarantino script.
Brett DeMarco: (smirks) Oh, tough talk from someone whose punch is probably the hardest thing to land in Paradise PD.
Gina leaps forward, taking Brett down with a gut punch that makes him fold like a cheap lawn chair. Dusty squares up against Fitz, who pulls out a taser.
Dusty: Ha! I have an advantage over you! My obesity is blocking your path! Try and get past me! I dare you!
Fitz: (grinning) Alright, Tubbyfucker, let’s see how well you fight when you’re twitching like a Windows ‘98 error screen.
Dusty: Windows ‘98? Buddy, I barely survived AOL dial-up!
Fitz lunges, firing the taser—however Dusty catches the prongs with his bare hands and glares at Fitz like he just insulted the integrity of Waffle House at 2 a.m.
Dusty: HA! JOKES ON YOUR MOTHER FUCKER! I. AM. IMMUNE.
Fitz: (shaking in terror) How—?
Dusty: (smiling) Mom used to taser me when I ate the last Pop-Tart. Built up resistance.
With all his might, Dusty then clocks Fitz with a haymaker that sends him flying into the side of the room. Gina and Brett wrestle violently, knocking over Podcast equipment, laptops, wifi and causing an Uber Eats delivery guy who rode his bike into the podcast room to crash his bike. Dave Attell fumbles around in a closet he found in the podcast room the back, finding zip ties, duct tape, and an old copy of Goodfellas on VHS.
Dave Attell: Jesus, what is this? An abduction plot or Martin Scorsese’s thrift store?
Gina knees Brett in the stomach, making him wheeze like an asthmatic accordion. Gina kicked Brett onto the table they were going to use for their podcast. Dusty lifts Fitz over his head like a WWE villain about to throw someone into the commentary table.
Fitz: Wait, WAIT! I have coupons for IHOP!
Dusty: TOO LATE.
Fitz finds himself getting slammed into the closet. The fight was over. Dave Attell walks up to Gina and Dusty!
Dave Attell: Thanks to you two. I’m free! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need therapy.
Just as the heroes think they’ve won, Brett and Fitz spring to their feet, pull out smoke grenades, and throw them. Smoke engulfs the area, and by the time it clears, Fitz and Brett are gone, leaving only a note behind that reads: “Lovely Corp always gets what it wants.”
Gina: (angry) They got away?!
Dusty: (shrugging) Eh. We still saved Attell. You ever seen 8½?
Dave Attell: (panting) Buddy, if you don’t get me a drink in the next ten minutes, I’m making 9½—and it’s just me screaming into a camera for two hours.
Gina: Say I know. There's a new sports bar that opened in town.
Dusty: We believe it's called Balloon City. Want to perform your stand up there?
Gina: That's the whole reason why you're here in our town!
Dave Attell wholeheartedly agrees.
Scene 8 Conclusion:
At the Balloon City Sports Bar. Dave Attell does his stand up routine. All the people in the bar laugh and cheer for him. Karen, Dusty, and Gina were there cheering him on.
Karen: I have to say. You brought Dave Attell here safely. I'm proud of the both of you!
Gina: Why thank you, Mayor. It was a pleasure.
Dusty: Look at the crowd! They're loving him!
Gina: How long is Dave Attell going to be here?
Karen: He leaves next week.
Dusty: And we'll still escort him until then.
Karen: Exactly.
Gina: As long as he's here. We'll take him to Brickleberry next!
Dusty: Yeah, he'll love it there!
Gina and Dusty high fived and kissed each other proclaiming a job well done. Karen then sees a poster of Randall, Kevin, and Bullet that reads in red letters "SHOOT TO KILL"! Karen's blood boils in anger. Karen steps out.
Karen: Excuse me a minute!
Running out on the curb of Balloon City Sports Bar. Karen screams on top of her lungs.
Karen: RANDALL AND KEVIN!!!! YOU'RE BOTH IN HUGE TROUBLE!!!!! AND SO ARE YOU, BULLET!!!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
THE END
fanfic title:
Balloon City
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Driving down the streets of Paradise. Randall and Kevin were in a squad car on their way to Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Another day of a work, hey Kevin?
Kevin: It's Saturday. Wish we could do something a little more...say I don't know. Fun.
Randall: Police are on duty 24/7. Police work knows no weekends!
As the squad drove down the street, Randall drove by a newly opened Sports Bar called Balloon City.
Randall: Hmmmm. Maybe you're right for once, Kevin! Let's check this place out! We can't be proper all the time now can we?
Kevin: Now you're talking!
Parking the squad car on the curb. Randall and Kevin walk inside Balloon City. What they see before them is a typical sports bar and restaurant. A neon-drenched restaurant/bar hybrid, packed with sports fans. Randall, Bullet, and Kevin sit at a sticky booth, glaring at a massive TV screen. Stanley was at the front door as a greeter.
Stanley: Good Afternoon Gents!
Randall: Stanley! What the fucking hell are you doing here?
Stanley: Can I check your hats, please?
Kevin: He's like Gregory Heines in History Of The World Part 1.
Randall: Don't talk about the dead, Kevin!
Kevin: Won't mention it again!
Randall and Kevin look all around with excitement.
Kevin: Wow! This place is awesome! What should we do first?
Bullet walks up to Randall and Kevin.
Randall: Bullet?!?!?
Kevin: You're here, too?
Bullet: Of course! Looking for something to do? I recently discovered sports gambling! Wanna try?
Randall: It's on! (Bangs table) If the Wildcats lose, I’m out three hundred bucks and my dignity!
Bullet (Laughs, lighting a cigar) You never had dignity, you bureaucratic husk.
Kevin (Desperate): I just wanna win enough to afford those limited edition Pokémon cards, man!
From across the bar, Robbie and Delbert watch with simmering hatred.
Robbie: There they are. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet. About to become Balloon City’s biggest losers.
Delbert: I’d rather lick a Gas Station sushi than spend a minute near those guys.
Robbie: (Leaning in) Let’s ruin them.
Unaware of Robbie and Delbert's plot. Randall, Kevin, and Bullet wonder where Dusty and Gina are.
Randall: Anyone seen Dusty and Gina.
Kevin: They ought to see this!
Bullet: Nah, let's just have this time for ourselves! (calling out) Everyone! Gather around and place some bets! (sees some female strippers) That goes for you too, hot stripper whores!
Scene 2:
Mayor Karen Crawford stands behind her desk, looking annoyed, sipping a protein shake with questionable ingredients.
Karen: Alright, listen up, you walking cholesterol bomb and rageaholic! Dave Attell’s flying into town, and I want you two asshats to pick him up from the airport.
Dusty (excited): Oh mah stars! Dave Attell! Bullet always said he sounds like he gargled thumbtacks before hitting the stage!
Gina (rolling eyes) I don’t give a flying shitfuck about stand-up comedy unless it involves someone getting punched in the mouth.
Karen: Get your asses out there, and just do the damn job! And make sure Paradise PD doesn’t become Paradise TMZ in the process!
Walking out of Karen's office. Dusty and Gina were now outside, loading up in a battered squad car with a broken siren that only plays the "Law & Order" dun-dun sound.
Dusty: Did you just hear that sound, Gina?
Gina: Yeah, actually I did.
Dusty: It sounded like (imitates Law and Order dun-dun sound)
Gina: We're cops. So anytime a cop hears that sound. That means there's trouble ahead.
Dusty: I hate trouble and danger. Sometimes I wonder why I even bacame a cop.
Gina: Let's go to the airport and pick up Dave Attel. Maybe we can take him to that newly opened Sports Bar Balloon City.
Dusty: Like the name of this fanfic!
Gina and Dusty drove to the Paradise Airport to pick up Dave Attel.
Scene 3:
At Balloon City Sports Bar. Robbie and Delbert walk over to Randall, Kevin, and Bullet.
Randall: What the fuck do you both want?
Robbie: This is our turf! We were here first!
Delbert: No way we're going to have you cops take over our fun spot!
Randall: We're here because we want to do some sports gambling!
Kevin: We were going to until you two showed up.
Bullet: Dudes! Dudes! Let's settle this like men! There's a football game going on and we can place our money on who we predict is going to win!
Robbie: Are you challenging us to a Gamble Off?
Delbert: Which team you bettin' on?
Randall: Why the Wildcats of Course!
Kevin: Me too! Wildcats for me!
Bullet: I'm for the Wildcats too!
Robbie: Okay, we bet our money on Texas Rangers!
Delbert: Our favorite team!
Randall: OKay! We accept! Once we get through with you, Robbie and Delbert are going to be Eight Men Out! (laughs)
Kevin and Bullet look at him weird.
Randall: What? It's a sports gambling movie! And that's what we're going to be doing!
Kevin: All right! Let's bring it!
Bullet: Prepare to lose! If you do, this place is ours forever!
Robbie: If you guys lose you never show your faces here again!
Delbert (turns on a jukebox): Let's put on a little mood music!
Randall, Kevin, and Bullet were going to start to square off against Robbie and Delbert as everyone in Balloon City sports bad spectates.
Scene 4:
Dusty and Gina wait impatiently at baggage claim. Dusty munches on an airport pretzel the size of a car tire.
Gina: If this guy takes one more second, I swear I’m gonna check every bald twat waffle for stand-up energy and drag him outta here myself.
Suddenly, Dave Attell emerges, looking half-asleep and holding a travel mug that probably contains pure whiskey.
Dave Attell: You guys look like extras from the movie Urban Cowboy!
Dusty: (laughs) Welcome to Paradise! That's a Green Day song by the way! We’re your official escorts, like the Secret Service, but with more cholesterol issues and unfiltered rage.
The trio moves towards the exit—but in the shadows, Fitz and Brett DeMarco watch from behind a newsstand full of overpriced tabloids.
Fitz: Damn Brett! Are you looking at Hustler again!
Brett DeMarco: Hey, I can't help that I'm woman crazy!
Fitz: Ah ha! So you admit it!
Brett DeMarco: Fucking fine! You fucking caught me! All right? You win!
Fitz: Let's focus okay! We have our target in range!
Brett DeMarco: OKay! (looks at Dave Atell) There’s our prize. Get ready to grab him and force him into Lovely Corp’s comedy dungeon. (to the screen) It's just an expression, folks.
Fitz (stroking his chin like a villain in an 80s action movie): Imagine the ratings… Forced laughs, uncomfortable sweat, and sponsorships from deodorant companies.
Brett DeMarco: Since you say Lovely Corp needs more comedy. He'd be a perfect ingredient!
Fitz: Indeed so, Brett!
Brett DeMarco and Fitz prepare to put their plan into action....Kidnap Dave Attell!
Scene 5:
As Dusty and Gina escort Dave Attell. Dusty notices Dave Attell has a DVD of the Fellini movie 8 1/2. in his backpack. It triggered a memory to Dusty's childhood.
Dusty (whispering) Holy shit… Mom’s favorite movie.
Suddenly in a flashback sequence. A young Dusty sits in his childhood home, watching 8½ with his Mom, who holds a cigarette and a massive tub of buttered popcorn.
Young Dusty: Mom, why is this movie in black and white?
Dusty's Mom: It's the way the director wanted to make it. Besides, we can use a little culture in this house! Oh when this is over...
Young Dusty: Yeah, Mama?
Dusty's Mom: I want you to act 8 1/2 up here! (points to Dusty's head)
Watching in awe as the dreamy visuals of Federico Fellini’s masterpiece unfold. Back in present day, Dusty clutches the DVD, misty-eyed. Until he drops it.
Dusty (whispering) That was a good night... Before everything went completely insane.
Dave Attell: Oh thank you! That movie must've dropped out of my bag!
Gina: Anyway, you're going to love it here in Paradise! Wait until you see what this town has to offer!
Dave Attell: Hopefully it has a fun night life like I did when I traveled on my Comedy Central show.
Walking out of the airport and into the squad car, Dusty and Gina were about to go inside to show Dave Attell around Paradise. That was until a delivery van was driving in their direction and picked up Dave Attell. Dusty and Gina try to stop the van.
Gina (to Dusty): Move your sexy ass! Dave Attell is getting swiped by corporate creeps!
Dusty and Gina were already too date. Dave Attell yelled for help as the deivery van shut it's door revealing the Lovely Corp symbol painted neatly designed.
Gina: Mother fucker! It was our responsibility to protect him from shit moments like this!
Dusty: I know right? Karen's gonna kill us!
Gina: Those motherfuckers pulled an Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade on us!
Dusty: WHat's going to become of poor Dave Attell now?
The Lovely Corp delivery truck speeds away, blowing Dusty and Gina into the wind. Inside the Lovely Corp Delivery Van. Dave Attell demands to know his fate!
Dave Attell: What are you going to do to me?
Fitz: You’re about to host the number one comedy podcast in America… against your will!
Dave Attell: Oh shit! I knew this day would come.
Scene 6:
Back at Balloon City Sports Bar. The Fatboy Slim song It's a Wonderful Night was playing on a jukebox. 3 hours into the football game. As the game intensifies, Bullet celebrates a goal. As half naked female strippers were dancing around them.
Bullet: YES! Suck it, nerds! This is better than the time I bet against the Titanic staying afloat!
Randall: Wildcats rule! Texas Rangers fucking suck dick!
Claiming victory, Randall smugly waves his winnings. Kevin stood quietly not knowing what to think.
Randall: Three hundred bucks, baby! That’s two nights of regrettable life choices!
Suddenly jumping onto the table. Robbie and Delbert shock, Kevin, Bullet, Randall, and everyone else in the bar.
Robbie: You think you’re hot stuff, huh? Betting like you own this fucking joint?!
Bullet: Yes we do! We're about to win! Jealous much?! By tonight, the only joint you're going to own is a Mary Jane! HA!
Kevin: (Shrinks) Can I just—uh—cash out?
Delbert: Oh, you’re cashing out alright. Right into the dumpster where you belong!
Chaos erupts. Drinks fly, tables flip, someone gets strangled with a Chuck E. Cheese token necklace. A manager nervously flips a sign: Now Hiring! Even half naked strippers join the fight. The brawl ends with Kevin covered in nacho cheese, Randall missing a shoe, and Bullet smoking a broken cigar.
Randall: (Sighs) I gotta stop betting.
Bullet: Or start winning.
The camera zooms out as Delbert and Robbie fist-bump, victorious.
Kevin (sobs): What'll we do now?
Randall: Let's just go back to headquarters where we belong!
Kevin: GOod idea (sobs)
Bullet: Last time I come to Balloon City. Hopefully Dusty and Gina are having a better time than us.
Stanley: Check your hats?
Randall: FUCK OFF STANLEY!
Feeling disgraced. Kevin, Bullet, and Randall walk back to Paradise PD POlice Headquarters.
Scene 7:
Now at Lovely Corp. Fitz and Brett DeMarco have Dave Attell in their clutches. Fitz, Brett have a room with podcast equipment all around with a banner that reads “Lovely Corp Presents: Podcast Dungeon."
Dave Attell: Alright, this officially sucks. Kidnapped, forced to podcast—this is how Marc Maron started, isn’t it?
Fitz: Shut the fuck up, Dave! You're the key to bring comedy into Lovely Corp!
Brett DeMarco: We were sick and tired of the humdrum image this company seems to have.
Fitz: And you're the key to making it more...say, colorful!
Getting a remote control to seal in the Podcast Room. Before it can slam the door shut, Dusty and Gina crash through the metal door. Korn's Dead Bodies Everywhere plays.
Gina: (cracks knuckles) If you two dipshits don’t let him go, I’m gonna make sure your medical bills look like a Tarantino script.
Brett DeMarco: (smirks) Oh, tough talk from someone whose punch is probably the hardest thing to land in Paradise PD.
Gina leaps forward, taking Brett down with a gut punch that makes him fold like a cheap lawn chair. Dusty squares up against Fitz, who pulls out a taser.
Dusty: Ha! I have an advantage over you! My obesity is blocking your path! Try and get past me! I dare you!
Fitz: (grinning) Alright, Tubbyfucker, let’s see how well you fight when you’re twitching like a Windows ‘98 error screen.
Dusty: Windows ‘98? Buddy, I barely survived AOL dial-up!
Fitz lunges, firing the taser—however Dusty catches the prongs with his bare hands and glares at Fitz like he just insulted the integrity of Waffle House at 2 a.m.
Dusty: HA! JOKES ON YOUR MOTHER FUCKER! I. AM. IMMUNE.
Fitz: (shaking in terror) How—?
Dusty: (smiling) Mom used to taser me when I ate the last Pop-Tart. Built up resistance.
With all his might, Dusty then clocks Fitz with a haymaker that sends him flying into the side of the room. Gina and Brett wrestle violently, knocking over Podcast equipment, laptops, wifi and causing an Uber Eats delivery guy who rode his bike into the podcast room to crash his bike. Dave Attell fumbles around in a closet he found in the podcast room the back, finding zip ties, duct tape, and an old copy of Goodfellas on VHS.
Dave Attell: Jesus, what is this? An abduction plot or Martin Scorsese’s thrift store?
Gina knees Brett in the stomach, making him wheeze like an asthmatic accordion. Gina kicked Brett onto the table they were going to use for their podcast. Dusty lifts Fitz over his head like a WWE villain about to throw someone into the commentary table.
Fitz: Wait, WAIT! I have coupons for IHOP!
Dusty: TOO LATE.
Fitz finds himself getting slammed into the closet. The fight was over. Dave Attell walks up to Gina and Dusty!
Dave Attell: Thanks to you two. I’m free! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need therapy.
Just as the heroes think they’ve won, Brett and Fitz spring to their feet, pull out smoke grenades, and throw them. Smoke engulfs the area, and by the time it clears, Fitz and Brett are gone, leaving only a note behind that reads: “Lovely Corp always gets what it wants.”
Gina: (angry) They got away?!
Dusty: (shrugging) Eh. We still saved Attell. You ever seen 8½?
Dave Attell: (panting) Buddy, if you don’t get me a drink in the next ten minutes, I’m making 9½—and it’s just me screaming into a camera for two hours.
Gina: Say I know. There's a new sports bar that opened in town.
Dusty: We believe it's called Balloon City. Want to perform your stand up there?
Gina: That's the whole reason why you're here in our town!
Dave Attell wholeheartedly agrees.
Scene 8 Conclusion:
At the Balloon City Sports Bar. Dave Attell does his stand up routine. All the people in the bar laugh and cheer for him. Karen, Dusty, and Gina were there cheering him on.
Karen: I have to say. You brought Dave Attell here safely. I'm proud of the both of you!
Gina: Why thank you, Mayor. It was a pleasure.
Dusty: Look at the crowd! They're loving him!
Gina: How long is Dave Attell going to be here?
Karen: He leaves next week.
Dusty: And we'll still escort him until then.
Karen: Exactly.
Gina: As long as he's here. We'll take him to Brickleberry next!
Dusty: Yeah, he'll love it there!
Gina and Dusty high fived and kissed each other proclaiming a job well done. Karen then sees a poster of Randall, Kevin, and Bullet that reads in red letters "SHOOT TO KILL"! Karen's blood boils in anger. Karen steps out.
Karen: Excuse me a minute!
Running out on the curb of Balloon City Sports Bar. Karen screams on top of her lungs.
Karen: RANDALL AND KEVIN!!!! YOU'RE BOTH IN HUGE TROUBLE!!!!! AND SO ARE YOU, BULLET!!!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
THE END
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