Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > How a Rock Star Ruined My Marriage
I stayed in bed wrapped in Pete’s arms until I was sure he was asleep. Funny, it took me a couple of years to know Jason’s sleeping stages. It only took me a couple of night’s to know Pete’s. I grabbed my robe from the foot of the bed and left the room.
I headed for the living room. I didn’t bother with a light. I made my way by touch and the intimate knowledge one has of their own home, to the couch. I curled up at one end and lost myself in thought. I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling.
I was still angry at Jason. Angry at the fact we couldn’t make our marriage work, angry he cheated. I was angry he showed up Saturday morning and wanted me to take him back after his affair didn’t work out. And I was still angry at him for hitting Pete.
I felt guilty too. Guilty for not working harder at my marriage, guilty for not wanting to try to make things better with Jason. But mostly I felt guilty for letting Pete invade my life, my heart and my soul while I was still married. I didn’t cheat with my body, but I did cheat with my heart. I had started to give it away to someone else before I was free to do so.
And then, this thing with Pete. How could he love me? He didn’t know me well enough to love me. I was a mess, and I wasn’t ready for this. I felt bad because now I felt like I’d been using him. Was I using him? Was he just a good fuck? No, he was more than that. Did I let him in my bed just to make myself feel better? No, it’s not like that and you know it.
Did I want him to love me? No, I didn’t. I could answer that part. I didn’t want him to love me and I didn’t want to love him. But you already do Lizzy. The little voice in my head told me. No I don’t, I can’t. I just can’t. Yes you do. You can ignore it all you want, but you do love him. I’m too old for him. That doesn’t seem to matter to him. The little voice in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. I lost it and started to cry. I was so confused. I really didn’t know what to think anymore.
I’m not sure how long I was downstairs crying on the couch, but I was startled out of my thoughts by a light coming on upstairs.
“Lizzy? Is that you?” I heard Pete ask as he came down.
“Yeah, it’s just me.” I answered as I quickly wiped my face off.
“What are you doing sitting in the dark at 2 in the morning?” He asked.
“I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“What’s wrong?” He stood in front of me, but the only light was coming from the stairway and I couldn’t see his face.
“Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind.” I told him.
“That’s bull shit.” He said as he sat next to me. “What’s really going on? Why are you crying?” He asked me.
“I have a lot on my mind Pete. You don’t want to hear all of it.” I answered him.
“Try me.”
“No. It doesn’t concern you. And I don’t want to talk about it.” I told him. I really didn’t want to talk to him about it.
“Lizzy, if it bothers you, then it concerns me. Talk to me. What’s got you so upset?” He placed his hand on my back and started to rub.
I didn’t answer at first. I didn’t want to drag him into this. But I couldn’t keep it from him, I just couldn’t. He had some strange power over me. “You really want to know? Ok. Let’s see. I’m getting a divorce. And I’m sure it’s going to get nasty. Twelve years with Jason, ten years of marriage gone. Just gone. I know it wasn’t the best marriage, but it was mine, and I couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t want to keep it together. That makes me feel like I was a shitty wife. And it hurts so much. More than I thought it could.” I took a breath and tried to keep myself from crying again.
“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep the house. I can’t afford to buy Jason out, and that’s the only way I’ll be able to keep it. I can’t afford a loan from the bank. If I want to stay here I’m going to have to take a second job. That means I won’t be able to go for my doctorate. I won’t be able to work two jobs and study and write papers all at the same time. I can take the classes for free, but I still have to pay for the books. And I can’t do that now.” I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts.
“Lizzy, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’d be more than happy to help you out. Hell, I’ll buy you this house if you want.” Pete said.
“No, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you this. I don’t want your charity.” I snapped at him.
“It’s not charity! I would do that for anyone I love.” He told me.
“Don’t say that!” I almost shouted at him.
“What? Don’t say what? That I love you?”
“Don’t say that! You don’t love me! You can’t love me!”
“But I do love you. Mary-Elizabeth O’Halloran, I love you.” He was very sincere when he said that. I knew he was telling me the truth. But that didn’t help. I still went into panic mode. I started to shake my head. I didn’t want to hear it.
Pete placed his hand under my chin and turned my face to him. Then he said, “I know you’re hurting and confused right now. And I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry I ruined your marriage. I really am Lizzy. I’m not that kind of guy usually. I’m not sure why I pursued you. Do you believe in love at first sight?” He asked.
“In books and in movies but not in real life.” I answered.
“Well, I didn’t either. Until I saw you that is. As soon as I saw you, I just knew I had to know you better. And I’m not sorry about that.” He told me.
“But, I can’t…I’m not ready…” I let my thoughts trail off. But my tears started again.
“Liz, it’s ok if you can’t tell me you love me back. Really it’s ok. I know we’ve moved kind of fast, but I can’t hide my feelings for you. I don’t want to. I’ll wait for you.” He pulled me into his chest and held me. I just cried. I couldn’t help it. I think it would have been easier if he hadn’t been so damn understanding.
“Come on, let’s go back to bed.” He said. I nodded and stood up.
Pete pulled me close and kissed me softly. Then he led the way back upstairs. We crawled back in bed and Pete cuddled as close to me as he could.
“Pete?” I whispered.
“Yeah?” He answered.
“You didn’t ruin my marriage.” I told him. I couldn’t let him think he was the only reason Jason and I didn’t work out.
The next morning we woke up and got ready to go. I was taking Pete to the airport. The next time I was going to see him was a month from now at a show. I walked him in as far as I could and then said goodbye.
He pulled me into a hug and then said. “I’ll see you next month. I’ll be looking forward to it.”
“So will I.” I told him.
“Give me that month to tell you every day that I love you. If you still don’t love me by the time we see each other again, then I’ll back off. But give me a month.” Pete said.
“Ok.” I nodded. “Pete, I do care for you.” I could feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes.
“I know you do Lizzy. And I love you.” He kissed me and then said goodbye. He turned and walked through security.
I felt like my heart couldn’t take a month of being told he loved me.
I headed for the living room. I didn’t bother with a light. I made my way by touch and the intimate knowledge one has of their own home, to the couch. I curled up at one end and lost myself in thought. I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling.
I was still angry at Jason. Angry at the fact we couldn’t make our marriage work, angry he cheated. I was angry he showed up Saturday morning and wanted me to take him back after his affair didn’t work out. And I was still angry at him for hitting Pete.
I felt guilty too. Guilty for not working harder at my marriage, guilty for not wanting to try to make things better with Jason. But mostly I felt guilty for letting Pete invade my life, my heart and my soul while I was still married. I didn’t cheat with my body, but I did cheat with my heart. I had started to give it away to someone else before I was free to do so.
And then, this thing with Pete. How could he love me? He didn’t know me well enough to love me. I was a mess, and I wasn’t ready for this. I felt bad because now I felt like I’d been using him. Was I using him? Was he just a good fuck? No, he was more than that. Did I let him in my bed just to make myself feel better? No, it’s not like that and you know it.
Did I want him to love me? No, I didn’t. I could answer that part. I didn’t want him to love me and I didn’t want to love him. But you already do Lizzy. The little voice in my head told me. No I don’t, I can’t. I just can’t. Yes you do. You can ignore it all you want, but you do love him. I’m too old for him. That doesn’t seem to matter to him. The little voice in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. I lost it and started to cry. I was so confused. I really didn’t know what to think anymore.
I’m not sure how long I was downstairs crying on the couch, but I was startled out of my thoughts by a light coming on upstairs.
“Lizzy? Is that you?” I heard Pete ask as he came down.
“Yeah, it’s just me.” I answered as I quickly wiped my face off.
“What are you doing sitting in the dark at 2 in the morning?” He asked.
“I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“What’s wrong?” He stood in front of me, but the only light was coming from the stairway and I couldn’t see his face.
“Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind.” I told him.
“That’s bull shit.” He said as he sat next to me. “What’s really going on? Why are you crying?” He asked me.
“I have a lot on my mind Pete. You don’t want to hear all of it.” I answered him.
“Try me.”
“No. It doesn’t concern you. And I don’t want to talk about it.” I told him. I really didn’t want to talk to him about it.
“Lizzy, if it bothers you, then it concerns me. Talk to me. What’s got you so upset?” He placed his hand on my back and started to rub.
I didn’t answer at first. I didn’t want to drag him into this. But I couldn’t keep it from him, I just couldn’t. He had some strange power over me. “You really want to know? Ok. Let’s see. I’m getting a divorce. And I’m sure it’s going to get nasty. Twelve years with Jason, ten years of marriage gone. Just gone. I know it wasn’t the best marriage, but it was mine, and I couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t want to keep it together. That makes me feel like I was a shitty wife. And it hurts so much. More than I thought it could.” I took a breath and tried to keep myself from crying again.
“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep the house. I can’t afford to buy Jason out, and that’s the only way I’ll be able to keep it. I can’t afford a loan from the bank. If I want to stay here I’m going to have to take a second job. That means I won’t be able to go for my doctorate. I won’t be able to work two jobs and study and write papers all at the same time. I can take the classes for free, but I still have to pay for the books. And I can’t do that now.” I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts.
“Lizzy, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’d be more than happy to help you out. Hell, I’ll buy you this house if you want.” Pete said.
“No, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you this. I don’t want your charity.” I snapped at him.
“It’s not charity! I would do that for anyone I love.” He told me.
“Don’t say that!” I almost shouted at him.
“What? Don’t say what? That I love you?”
“Don’t say that! You don’t love me! You can’t love me!”
“But I do love you. Mary-Elizabeth O’Halloran, I love you.” He was very sincere when he said that. I knew he was telling me the truth. But that didn’t help. I still went into panic mode. I started to shake my head. I didn’t want to hear it.
Pete placed his hand under my chin and turned my face to him. Then he said, “I know you’re hurting and confused right now. And I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry I ruined your marriage. I really am Lizzy. I’m not that kind of guy usually. I’m not sure why I pursued you. Do you believe in love at first sight?” He asked.
“In books and in movies but not in real life.” I answered.
“Well, I didn’t either. Until I saw you that is. As soon as I saw you, I just knew I had to know you better. And I’m not sorry about that.” He told me.
“But, I can’t…I’m not ready…” I let my thoughts trail off. But my tears started again.
“Liz, it’s ok if you can’t tell me you love me back. Really it’s ok. I know we’ve moved kind of fast, but I can’t hide my feelings for you. I don’t want to. I’ll wait for you.” He pulled me into his chest and held me. I just cried. I couldn’t help it. I think it would have been easier if he hadn’t been so damn understanding.
“Come on, let’s go back to bed.” He said. I nodded and stood up.
Pete pulled me close and kissed me softly. Then he led the way back upstairs. We crawled back in bed and Pete cuddled as close to me as he could.
“Pete?” I whispered.
“Yeah?” He answered.
“You didn’t ruin my marriage.” I told him. I couldn’t let him think he was the only reason Jason and I didn’t work out.
The next morning we woke up and got ready to go. I was taking Pete to the airport. The next time I was going to see him was a month from now at a show. I walked him in as far as I could and then said goodbye.
He pulled me into a hug and then said. “I’ll see you next month. I’ll be looking forward to it.”
“So will I.” I told him.
“Give me that month to tell you every day that I love you. If you still don’t love me by the time we see each other again, then I’ll back off. But give me a month.” Pete said.
“Ok.” I nodded. “Pete, I do care for you.” I could feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes.
“I know you do Lizzy. And I love you.” He kissed me and then said goodbye. He turned and walked through security.
I felt like my heart couldn’t take a month of being told he loved me.
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