FicWad

Why hasn't anyone out there written a Universal Basic Guys fanfic? Don't really particularly like the show. Watched a few episodes and it didn't click with me.


So here is a fanfic I wrote to make fun of the show. Mark, Hank, Steve, and David are all doing the Pygmalion sketch from the short lived possibly forgotten comedy series The Vacant Lot.




One night in South Jersey. The Hoagies brothers Mark and Hank were driving down the street. Singing the Name Game.


Mark sings, "Tammy Tammy Bo Bammy! Banana Fana Mo Mammy! Fe Fi Fo Fammy! Tammy! Great song! Since I did it with my wife's name, now I'll do it with my name now! Mark Mark Bo Bark! Banana Fana Mo Nark! Fe Fi Fi Fark! Mark!" Turning over to his brother Hank, Mark encourages him, "Why don't you try Hank?"


Trying to sing the song Hank comes up with, "Hinky Dinky Bo Blinky. Orange Green, Blip Flip Slip Skip..Haaannnnkkk!"


"Wow! You got a voice better than Kelly Clarkson!" Mark complements. Then Mark asks Hank for the map, "Why don't you hand me the map and try to look for Interstate 95. I'm unfamiliar with these parts."


Hank tries to read the map and says, "Po po penny. Mo Mo Mo Mo Many. Lo Lo Lo Lo Lo Lany app!"


"We passed that exit ages ago! Why didn't you say something!" Mark said with disapointment.


Hank continues to gibber nonsense, "Quo Quo Loo Loo Koe Koy!"


Mark says, "Okay fine. Keep your eye on the next exit and we'll take it from there." Mark drives the car over a pothole which causes the car to shake. Now with a flat tire Mark decides to ask for help.


"Hobey Komoby! Hop Telly!" Hank gibbers.


"Shit! We blew a tire. Well, there's a light up yonder. Let's go see if we can get some help." suggested Mark. Mark and Hank came across a huge mansion up on a hill. Inside the mansion was David Jinglebells. Who was sitting on a leather chair, looking at a money porno magazine.


"Oh yes you're a good little monkey aren't you?" David says to himself. His butler who was Mernft was walking up to him, in a sing song voice David says, "Now let's call Mernft! Mernft!" Coughing to get David's attention, Mernft announces, "Someone wants to use the telephone sir!"


Looking at Mernft, David says, "Mernft! Can't you see I'm busy here...." "Someone wants to use the telephone, sir! It's an emergency." Mernft announced.


Mark goes into the other room to try to look for a phone with Mernft. Hank however is looking around the upper crust themed living room owned by David. Uttering nonsense again, Hank said, "La boney alah pack a pigeon!"


Putting down his money porn magazine, David turns around and takes notice to Hank. "What did you say?" David asks Hank.



"La boney alah pack a pigeon!" Hank repeated.



Getting up from his leather chair, David grabs Hank's mouth. "Open please." Then lets go and walks around Hank as to observe him and the gibberish language he used. "Fascinating! Absolutely Fascinating!" David tells himself.


"A man with no palette. Why this could represent a combination of my life's work. And you my young friend will be my star pupil!" David tells Hank.


Then David shakes Hank's hand, "Allow me to introduce myself! I'm David Jinglebells. World renowned best speech pathologist."


"Flanounced?" blabbered Hank again.


Smoking a pipe, David asked Hank, "woah, indeed. How would you like me to teach you how to speak English properly! You'd like that won't you?"


"Popmiasko!" Hank blurted out.


Going along with Hank, David said, "Yes! Exactly! Popmiasko!"


Mark enters with living room again with Mernft behind him. "Tow trucks coming, Hank. We got to go home now."


David says to Mark, "Uhhh, actually my good man. I was just speaking to your brother here and he's expressed a remarkable interest on how to speak the King's English properly. And I being the world's best speech pathologist am just the man to do it. Doesn't that sound like a ripping idea?"


With Mernft standing next to him, Mark asks with concern, "Is this what you want, Hank?"


Hank responds with while dancing around. "Polla Brolisaovnruiavneuiasn"


Mark is puzzled, "Well, I guess you know best." "Mernft! Show him to the door." David orders his servant.


"Well, goodbye Hank." Mark said with sadness. Hank says, "youoervn! I love you too!"


Mark departs. David turns to Hank. "Now young man when I'm done with you. Your own brother won't even recognize you!"




()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()



Hank was now sitting in the living room leather chair. David has a chart with a mouth on it. "I'll teach you works that your brother Mark can never even dream of! Now!" David uses a wooden stick to point at the chart with the mouth on it.


David says, "Here we are. This is the mouth! These are the lips, the teeth, the tonsils, the cheeks, and the tongue! Now you try it."


Hank said, "Hyah Nurkdiesps."


In a montage over the course of a year David was now teaching Hank how to wrestle. "Give it your best shot!" Then Hank and David both fumble over and laugh while looking at each other.


It was Christmas Day. A Christmas Tree was in the living room. David gave Hank a present. When Hank opened it, inside were pajamas that looked like a sailor uniform.


"Sailor Pajamas!" David tells Hank as he was trying them on.


As the days gone by, David and Hank still in the living room, still teaching him how to talk better. Now the chart had the letter A on it.



David walks past Hank, "Try it again!" Hank with his language skills improving says, "Ah Open Sore Can Lead To An Awful Infection." "No, try again." David encourged.


Hank says it once more, "Ah Open Sore Can Lead To An Awful Infection!"


David says, "Still not quite. Now let me tell you a rule in phonics. Never use an A...." pulling up a chart which now has vowels on it. David continues, "Before an A..E...I....O....U..." David flips the chart once more now with an N on it and says, "We use an N! This is what you do, or instead we," David flips the chart again and now with the words, Ass U Me."


David then says, "Then we make an Ass out of U and Me!" Pacing back and forth, David tells Hank, "Now let's try again."


"Ah open..." Hank tries. "No!" David said.


"Ah open..." Hank tries. "No!" David said.


"Ah open..." Hank tries. "No!" David said.


Outside looking into the mansion window there was Hank's older brother Mark. Who had a look on his face like he witnessed a tragedy. Mark was outside wondering if he'll ever see Hank again.



()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()



Outside at a Republican Fund Raiser BBQ. All the men there were wearing tuxedos and top hats and smoking cigars. Tammy and Andrea were there too evening gowns. David and Hank were as well.


David and Hank were walking together to attend the event. Hank was now speaking proper dignified English,


Steve DelVecchio who was a governor was telling people, "I'm the governor I can do that! Just flip a switch and he's dead like that! I like doing that to people!" Then Steve sees a woman and says, "you're a pretty little thing, you know that."


David shakes Steve's hand, "Hey Jinglebells boy! Glad you can make it! Glad as hell!" Then Steve looks at Hank who is now looking at him, "Who do we have here?"


David introduces Hank, "May I present my friend and traveling companion, Hank Hoagies! Hank Hoagies his excellecy the Governor!"



Tipping his top hat, Hank shakes Steve's hand, "How Dee A Doo Mr. Guvnor!"



Steve said, "Can I offer you some hot dogs boys?" Hank said, "A hot dog would be most gratifying! Thank you very much, Mr Guvnor!"


"Well this man is a real charmer, Jinglebells!" Steve tells David. "Well, Hank here is one of my great successes Mr Governor." David explains to Steve.


Hank says, "Oh yes Professor is being most kind. Why just the other day we went fishing. And I caught the biggest fish of all! It was a grouper about yay long! Then later we had tea on the front lawn. And after we played Croquet...."


The man serving the hot dogs was none other than Mark Hoagies. Who unsuspectedly came behind Hank.


"Hank, hot dogs!" said David. Hank turns around and sees Mark now a hot dog server. "HANK! BROTHER!" Mark yelled putting down the hot dog tray.


"I'm sorry have we met?" asked Hank who didn't even recognize his brother Mark anymore.


Taking off his vest Mark says, "It's me! Mark! Your brother!" Hank turns around and cries, "I think I have something in my eye!"


Mark marches up to David and pulls him, "What did you do to him!"


David says, "I've only been working my fingers to the bone trying to make him into half the man you'll never be!"


Mark picks up a knife he had hidden on the hot dog tray. "Then if I can't have Hank! Then no one can!" Mark was now threatening David with the knife.


"Now let's try to be reasonable about this now...." David pleaded with Mark who had the knife to David's face, Mark promises, "You made Hank cry now I'm going to make you cry!"


"NNNNNOOOOO!!" Hank runs towards David then hugs him to protect David from Mark's wrath. Mark pushes Hank out of the way, "Get out of the way, Hank!"


Hank goes back and is now standing in front of David, Hank whines, "Can't you see I love this man!?"


Pushing Hank away from David again. Mark charges with his knife and Hank runs to David again and Mark stabs David by mistake.


Hank drops to the grass and says to David his last words, "Looks like someone made an Ass Out Of U and Me." "Huh?" David questions. Hank explains, "You know the AEIOU thing and...." David talks, "I don't know what you're talking about!"


Hank says, "You know the things you taught me that rhyme thing." "What rhyme thing?" David asks.


David and Hank have an arguement to a point where their voices fold over.


"I never told you that!"


"you agravate me!"


"What do you mean...."


"I can't believe you!"


"What the hell....."


"You think I don't know anything do you!"


Mark sits in shame with the knife in his hand knowing he killed his brother Hank. After a few more seconds Hank collapses and he is dead.


David tries to revive him, "HANK! HANK! I do remember everything I taught you to be a proper gentleman!"


Mark stands up and begins to sing "Oh Hank Oh Hank! I Had A Brother Called Hank! Learned His English! Now I Am Lone and Blank.


Now David begins to sing, "He Tried To Save My Life." Mark sings the next verse as Steve the Governor was standing over them, "He Ran Into My Knife."


Governor Steve joins taking off his hat, "I Will Never Throw A Flat Tire At You Again!"


Mark finishes the song, "He Was My One and Only.....BROTHER!!!


So there you have it. Probably the first and maybe only Universal Basic Guys fanfic.