Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Loosely Based On The American Dad episode She Swill Survive Done Paradise PD Style.
0Unrated
Randall and Kevin get laid off and temporarly replaced by Anton who makes Paradise PD into an "Inner Circle". Kevin gets a job at Paradise VHS via Robbie and Delbert which turns into a brothel. Kevin becomes an alcoholic all the while proving to Randall he is self capable.
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
The Kevin Who Went Up A Mountain.
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
One afternoon in the small town of Paradise. Randall drives home and walks into Karen's house. Karen on the couch could not figure out why Randall walked inside and was home earlier than before.
Karen: What are you doing home so early, Randall?
Randall (sighs) They all went bowling.
Karen: Who did?
Randall: Anton and his inner circle. He layed me off and took over as police chief.
Karen: Then why don't you join the inner circle and get your job back?
Randall: I did. They would not let me.
A flashback ensues as Randall walks back from the bathroom into his confrence room. Randall knocks.
Randall: Uhh, hello? Chief of Police!
Walking into the conference room, Randall sees Anton floating into the air via a floor fan. Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley were floating into the air too.
Anton: What do you want?!?!?
Randall: The hell is this? The Gypsy Moths fan club!
Anton: Nein! I'm laying you and your loset son off! Und in the meantime all your cops are going to be in mein Inner Circle!
Randall: Can I be in your inner circle?
Anton: Nein! Isaid this once and i'll say it again! I'm laying you off. Shut the door! Tax payers are paying top dollar for this!
Dusty: You don't know what you're missin' Randall! This is AWESOME!
Bullet: Anton lets me have drugs! This is even more fun when you're high!
The flashback ends. Randall explains.
Randall: All my police crew were all flying like birds, Karen! I was just standing there on the ground! Like a fucking mammal!
Karen: Well, you can be a brute sometimes but I don't think you're a mammal!
Kevin walks into the living room of the Crawford home. Like he just got out of bed. He announces himself. Randall was surprised.
Randall: KEVIN! What the fuck! Did you sleep all this time? Did you realize it's four in the afternoon!
Kevin: Anton layed me off too.
Randall: You can't possibly be getting up!
Kevin: Whatevs. Anyway, can one of you make me some bakety eggs?
Karen: Bakety eggs? That's your code name for breakfast! Coming right up!
Randall (points to Karen and Kevin): YOU! Hold it right there! YOU! Make your own fucking bakety eggs! (looks at himself in a mirror): YOU! Handsome devil!
Kevin: I don't know how to make eggs! Mom always makes my eggs.
Randall: Holy shit! You've been layed off and already you told me you don't know how to cook, you slept all day and you can barely speak in complete sentences.
Kevin: What you are talking me at?
Randall: You have no survival skills!
Kevin: Oh yes I do! I became a cop and solved a lot of crimes! Remember! Remember! Remember! Remember!
Randall: Hey! Don't you quote Willie Tanner in that crappy ALF episode where he meets Gilligan's Island.
Karen: Kevin does know how to hold his own. You're just being over dramatic. You're both depressed because Anton layed you both off.
Randall: That's beside the point, Karen! We are both going to die someday. You sooner than me. And we we depart this man is going to be qualified to be a janitor. A cashier at Goopy Goobers. A gay male prostitute...the list goes on!
Kevin: I have plenty of survival skills!
Randall: then prove it! Effective immediately! You are going to start paying rent to us young man!
Kevin: How am I supposed to afford that!!!
Randall: You're a policeman! You have survival skills! You figure it out! Be something other than a janitor or a cashier at a Goopy Goobers!
Kevin: Fine! You're on! (walks to his room)
Randall: Like Edie Falco in Meagan Leavey! He's Not Going To Lay Around And Do Nothing!
Scene 2:
Later on that day, Kevin got a job at Paradise VHS alongside Robbie and Delbert.
Kevin: Thanks for getting me this job, guys. My Dad has thing where I have to pay rent.
Robbie: Don't blame him there! Somebody has to pay for all this neon!
Delbert: It ain't going to be us!
Robbie: It'll be you! You need to give us half of what you make!
Delbert: Since you're not in the Paradise PD inner circle, you're in ours now!
Kevin: All right. Guess I better be ready for the so called Real World! And I'm not talking about that MTV Show from the 1990s with that Puck or Pedro guy or whatever his name is.
Robbie: All right. Now that you have this job as a clerk here at Paradise VHS. We're going to let you in on a ton of secrets.
Delbert pours a glass of liquor. Gives a glass to Kevin, himself, and Robbie.
Robbie: The better you are the better tips you'll get. Except for Carlos! He's the one who'll give you the tip. Trust me! You don't want the tip.
Delbert: Now that you'll be working for us, you get to have free drinks.
Kevin: Oooohhh keeeeeee.....
Delbert: Oh here's another clue for you we'll let you in on.....Carlos is Anton!
Taking the drink Kevin goes to call Randall and Karen about his new job at Paradise VHS.
Scene 3:
At Lovely Corp. Fitz sits behind his massive desk, sipping a kale‑infused protein shake. Brett bursts in, holding a tablet like it’s a bomb about to go off.
Brett DeMarco: Uh… Fitz? We have a situation. Like, The Italian Job level situation. The good one. Not the remake.
Fitz (leans back, annoyed): Brett, unless Jason Statham himself is downstairs doing donuts in a Mini Cooper, it can wait.
Brett DeMarco: I wish it were that simple. Your Swiss bank account? The one you swore was “unhackable, untouchable, and sexier than a Bond villain’s bathtub”?
Fitz: Yeah, what about it?
Brett DeMarco (stammering): It’s… gone. Emptied. Cleaned out with the precision of a Mission: Impossible laser grid sequence.
Freezing as his eye twitches, Fitz gives Brett a look.
Fitz: Who. Did. It.
Brett DeMarco (turns tablet around) College cheerleaders.
Fitz: …Cheerleaders?
Brett DeMarco: Not just any cheerleaders. These girls ran a full‑scale Bring It On meets Now You See Me operation. They used synchronized tumbling to dodge security cameras. They used glitter bombs as diversions. They even had a getaway routine.
Fitz: A getaway routine?
Brett DeMarco: Yeah. They spelled out “BYE LOSER” in human pyramid formation before escaping in a bedazzled party bus.
Standing, Fitz starts pacing like a crime boss in a gritty ‘90s heist thriller.
Fitz: This is worse than when the DEA stole my coke shipment by hiding it inside a charity 5K. Cheerleaders, Brett. CHEERLEADERS. I used to run an empire. I survived cartel wars. I bribed a judge with a yacht. And now I’m getting robbed by a group of girls who say “slay” unironically?
Brett DeMarco: To be fair, Fitz… they did slay. Like, strategically.
Fitz: (sharply) Don’t you dare compliment them.
Brett DeMarco: Sorry. But look — they left a calling card.
He hands Fitz a sparkly pink index card. It reads: “CATCH US IF YOU CAN — XOXO, THE POM‑POM POSSE.”
Fitz: (reading) They referenced Catch Me If You Can. These little monsters know cinema.
Brett DeMarco And cheerleading. And cybercrime. And apparently parkour.
Fitz: (slams fist on desk) Brett, assemble a team.
Brett DeMarco: A team? Like a heist‑counter‑heist team?
Fitz: Exactly. Think The Usual Suspects, but with fewer trench coats and more plausible deniability.
Brett DeMarco: Who do we recruit?
Fitz: Anyone who’s ever been rejected from Cirque du Soleil. Anyone who’s ever been kicked out of a gymnastics program for “excessive enthusiasm.” Anyone who’s ever said, “I could’ve gone pro if my knee didn’t explode.”
Brett DeMarco: So… the Paradise PD athletic department?
Fitz: Perfect. We’re taking back my money, Brett. (beat) No one out‑cheers Gerald Fitzgerald.
Scene 4:
At the Crawford house. Karen was worried about Kevin working at his new job in Paradise VHS. There was a news report going on.
Kurt Connors: Good evening. The local business Paradise VHS seems to be turning into a brothel. A bar so to speak.....
Hobo Cop runs by Kurt Connors and waves at the camera and talking unintellegently then vomits.
Karen (gasps): I have to tell Randall!
Going to the master bedroom. Karen sees Randall getting dressed.
Karen: I just heard on the news.
Randall rolls his eyes and sihs in frustration.
Karen: HEY! Don't do that! That triggers me! Stop rolling your eyes at me! You are not my 12 year old older brother and I'm not your 6 year old younger sister.....
Randall: All right! What is it? Let me guess Kevin is fucking up already?
Karen: Now I know you want Kevin to learn survival skills, but is Robbie's and Delbert's Paradise VHS appropriate for him? It's turning into a bar for God's sake.
Randall: What do you want me to do?
Karen: How about you go there and spy on Kevin?
Randall: Spy on Kevin? Sure! It's been years since I've gone undercover. Let me refresh myself on some of my skills!
Getting some pieces of paper Randall had on him. The papers were instructions for going undercover. On one of the papers it said Jamacian Accent and Moonwalking.
Randall (Jamacian Accent): Mon, this'll be as easy as doing a Moonwalk! Moonwalking Mon! Moonwalking Mon! Moonwalking Mon!
Doing a moonwalk, repeating "Moonwalking Mon" over and over. Randall exits the master bedroom.
Karen (sighs) I wish I never shown him that pilot episode of Garfield and Friends.
Scene 5:
Arriving at Paradise VHS. Randall walks inside. It has indeed turned into a bar and a brothel. The lowest of the low who lived in Paradise were there. Everyone from husbands wanting to cheat on their wives, strippers, bikers, prostitutes, rapists, and serial killers. A cloud of weed smoke engulfed the ceiling. Bloodknife and Unregistered Earl were there. Bloodknife was cutting his own fingers off with a knife. Even former presidents Biden and Clinton.
Biden: Oh fuck yeah!
Clinton: You can say that again!
Unregistered Earl: How do you do that man?
Bloodknife: It's all in the fingers, dude!
Observing Paradise VHS some more, Robbie and Delbert were going around and serving alcohol. First to a passed out single mom who's baby ends up drinking the alcohol. Then some overweight strippers and some drug dealers.
Randall: Son of a whore! Karen was right! I can't let Kevin work here!
Hearing a familiar voice at the desk. Randall turns to see it was Anton getting drunk. Kevin, too was drunk as he was listening to Anton
Anton: What to know what I really think? Agents don't have any style anymore!
Kevin: You're telling me man hick. Asians have lost their touch! That movie Memoirs of A Geisha is proof of that! hick
Anton: No! I said Agents! Like policemen! They ought to wear pocket squares if you ask me!
Kevin: Ooooh! Right! hick
Randall hides behind a cigarette machine.
Kevin: So your code name is Carlos right? hick
Anton: Yeah that's what they call me. hick
Kevin: Robbie and Delbert tell me you give unwanted tips! hick
Randall: Maybe he can reveal something about the inner circle.
Done with his drink. Anton wants Kevin to pour him some more alcohol.
Anton: I'll Have What I'm Having! hick and pour one for yourself!
Kevin: One of the advantages of working a job! You get the benefits! hick This alcohol should be called 'awesome-hol!'
Anton: Anyway what would you like to talk about?
Kevin: Don't get too drunk than you already here. hick I know you're a guy with a lot of secrets.
Anton: You're just a clerk here. I might share with you some of my deepest secrets! In fact I'll even tell you my favorite animal! I'll give you a hint, MMMEEOOOOWWW!
Randall goes home for the night after spying on Kevin. Karen was in bed.
Karen: What did you find out?
Randall: Karen what is a pocket square?
Karen: It's a decorative hankerchief, who cares? So, how's the movie rental place turned bar? Is Kevin going to be okay working in there?
Randall: It's very advanced now! Great place to work!
Both Karen and Randall hear gunshots from far away. Both of them know it came from Paradise VHS.
Robbie (from from away): Free drinks for anyone who saw him masterbate.
Randall: As I was saying, great place to work!
Scene 6:
The arena is packed with screaming fans, glitter cannons, and the faint smell of spray tan. Fitz and Brett stand in the hallway wearing the worst disguises imaginable: matching tracksuits, fake mustaches, and lanyards that say “JUDGES (PROBABLY).”
Brett DeMarco: (whispering) Fitz, we look like the villains from Stick It if they had a midlife crisis.
Fitz: Focus. These cheerleaders stole millions from me. I’m not letting a group of bedazzled acrobats outsmart Gerald Fitzgerald twice.
Popping between them, Zeta comes wearing a tiny headset and holding a clipboard.
Zeta: I hacked the schedule. Their routine is in five minutes. Also, I stole a churro, want some Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett?.
Fitz: Good girl. Stay behind us. If things go south, use your “cute child” privilege.
Zeta: Already planning to.
They push through the crowd. Onstage, a squad of cheerleaders performs a routine so synchronized it looks like a military operation choreographed by Beyoncé.
Brett DeMarco: Fitz… that’s them. The Pom‑Pom Posse.
Fitz: I know. I recognize their smug little toe‑touches.
Scene 7:
The day after, Randall goes to Paradise PD Headquarters now with a pocket square. The door now has a sign that reads Inner Circle.
Randall: All right, pocket square! Do your stuff!
Inside Paradise PD conference room, Anton was showing Stanley, Dusty, Bullet, and Gina pictures of celebrities.
Anton: Now this here is Rhianna, This is Katy Perry. Now here's Selena Gomez....
Gina: Come on! Get to the fat dudes already! Is Post Malone there?
Anton: I'll ignore that. This completes todays hotties.
Bullet: Thought you were a homosexual?
Stanley: Yeah, you should've shown us Rita Hayworth!
Dusty: Or Rebel Wilson!
Anton: Enough! (turns to Randall): Crawford! This meeting doesn't concern you! Go back and do whatever it is laid off employees do and....
Eyeing the pocket square Anton was mesmirized.
Anton: Wow! Wunderbar! I love the pocket square! So sorry I used a harsh tone there! Let's go into the office. (turns to Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, and Gina) We are not to be disturbed! (runs back) unless there's something funny on youtube!
Randall follows Anton into the office.
Anton: Wow! Crawford! I had no idea you had a rocket in your pocket! Feast your eyes!
Turning on a button a mirror that reveals a lot of pocket squares. Anton shows them to Randall.
Randall (gasps): You like pocket squares too!
Anton: Of course! Last time I wore one I was at Perez Hilton's bachleor party! But sorry, you still can't be in my inner circle. Neither can your asshole son Kevin. Keep up the good work!
Gina: Anton! Come quick! Dusty just found the Toga Party scene from Animal House! On Youtube!
Scene 8:
Coming home from the Paradise PD. Randall goes into Kevin's room. Kevin was in bed seemingly sick.
Randall: Kevin? Time to wake up, Encyclopedia Brown Hole! Ready for work!
Kevin: Ehhhh, not feeling so good.
Randall: Anyway, I could not help but notice that Anton was in Paradise VHS last night. Any fun stories you'd like to share?
Kevin: Dad, I can't tell you that. It's a code we have at work.
Randall: Codes, right. I know those. You don't have to tell me about codes. I know them all. Morse, RTTY, PSK, Da Vinci..... Anyway get up! Important people need to unload their secrets on you.
Kevin (gets up): I'm really hung over. Anton is there every night. Anton always insists that I drink with him. Maybe I should get a different job...
Randall: What? No! No! No! No! NO! You're keeping your job and sticking with it! Now let's not have anymore silly ass talk about your quitting this job! Quitting is for relators! Until they become relators! Let's just leave it at that! (leaves Kevin's bedroom)
Scene 9:
The routine ends. The cheerleaders strike a final pose — then lock eyes with Fitz. A beat. Then they scatter like glitter‑covered gazelles.
Fitz: GO! GO! GO!
Cue a chaotic chase scored like a low‑budget Mission: Impossible knockoff. Cheerleaders sprint through hallways, flipping over tables. Brett tries to follow but keeps getting hit by flying pom‑poms. Zeta rides a merch cart like it’s a chariot of war. Fitz hurdles a mascot dressed as a giant foam megaphone.
Brett DeMarco: (shouting) They’re too fast! They trained for this! They’re like Bring It On ninjas!
Fitz: Then we adapt. Brett — formation Delta!
Brett DeMarco: We don’t have a formation Delta!
Fitz: We do now! RUN FASTER!
The chase spills into the parking lot. The cheerleaders leap into a glitter‑wrapped party bus. It peels out, leaving a cloud of pink smoke.
Zeta: They left a note.
She holds up a sparkly card: “NICE TRY, DADDY WARBUCKS — XOXO, POM‑POM POSSE.”
Fitz: (reading) They called me Daddy Warbucks. If anything I should be called Mr Tibbs! I’m going to destroy them.
Scene 10:
That very night. Kevin was back at work at Paradise VHS. Still running as a brothel. Randall comes in to visit Kevin and brings a pot of flowers that has a listening device inside.
Randall: Hey, Encyclopedia Brown Hole! I won't ask you to break your code. Thought I'd bring some flowers! You know for home decor! It was Karen's idea and.....
Feedback was heard from the listening device inside the flowers.
Randall: Just ignore that squeaking sound! It's nothing you hear me!
Kevin (walks over to the flowers, drunk): Wow, they smell so good! Like a perfume from Taylor Swift. (stumbles)
Randall: Kevin? Are you drunk?
Kevin: I'm just doing what you're telling me to do! My job.
Randall: You know your mother is right. this isn't the healthiest envoirment for you. You should quit (gasps)
Anton walks into Paradise VHS. Robbie and Delbert were getting annoyed by his constant presence.
Robbie: Dammit, this Anton sumbitch is having too much fun in here!
Delbert: Way too much fun, Robbie! What's his connection with Kevin all the time!
Randall: You're clearly too legit to quit! (hip hop dances) Hey hey!
Anton (walks over to Kevin): Line them up Kevin!
In his police car Randall uses the listening device in the flowers that has a cellphone connected to it so Randall can listen in on Anton and Kevin.
Anton: Hey Kevin, did I ever tell you about the time I taught Nancy Pelosi to tuck in her farts?
Randall has a pen and paper and was writing down everything Anton and Kevin were talking about. Preferably how to get inside the Inner Circle.
Anton: It was also the weekend I discovered those Croc shoes!
In a musical montage. Puddle of Mudd Drift and Die was playing. In one scene, Randall shows up wearing croc shoes and Anton was impressed. Anton has a bulletin board with Randall's picture on it and puts a star next to his picture. After that a scene changes into Anton talking with Kevin near the flowers which had the listening device. Anton does some headbanging while talking to Kevin. Randall shows up for work wearing a Twisted Sister style wig that impresses Anton again!
Going to the bulletin board again he puts a star next to Randall's picture. Continuing his quest to join the Inner Circle and get his police chief job back. Randall writes down more things that Anton was telling Kevin. Whilst Anton and Kevin were getting drunk. Randall then breaths down Anton's neck. Anton again was giving Randall stars next to his picture. Then Randall has a slumber party in Diamond City with all the Diamond City cops sleeping in a zoo. Anton comes as well. Randall and Anton cheer as they see each other. In no time at all, Anton now invites Randall into his Inner Circle.
Song ends.
Scene 11:
Back in the conference room. Randall was now back with Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley with Anton still the leader.
Anton: Now I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Paradise PD inner circle! Someone you all know and love! Randall Crawford!
Everyone applauded. Dusty went too overboard with it.
Dusty: YAY! YAY! YAY! RANDALL'S ONE OF US! GOBBA GOBBA HEY! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Anton: Sorry Stanley! You're out!
Pressing a button. Stanley flew out of the ceiling.
Anton: There! That's all we'll be hearing from him now!
Bullet: You did us a favor! He's pointless and annoying!
Anton: Now that you're in our Inner Circle. I'm still the boss. Kevin is out! You get it!
Randall: If this is what it takes to be back in the Paradise PD, I'll take it!
The next morning, Karen walks into the bathroom. The shower curtain is closed. Out comes an empty beer bottle. Opening the shower curtain, she sees Kevin sleeping in the shower on top of what it looked like one thousand beer bottles.
Karen: Oh no! Kevin!
The beer bottles splatter and pour out of the shower. Kevin was passed out drunk. Karen tried to get him up.
Karen: Kevin! Get up!
Kevin (slurred) I'm showing Dad I can take care of myself!
Karen: I knew this was a terrible idea making you work at a VHS place that got turned into a brothel!
Kevin (vomits and slurs) Since when did I eat vomit!
Karen: Kevin! You have a problem!
Kevin (slurs): You wanna go, bitch! Wanna see my Jesse Pinkman impression! hick
As Kevin tries to punch Karen, he falls through a window and lands in a car.
Karen: Kevin! You're drunk! Don't you know the dangers of drinking and driving!??!?!?
Kevin ( Slurs): Oooooh shiny!
Randall (joins Karen): Hey, that's my badass stingray I got in 1974!
Karen: Kevin? Are you okay?
Randall: Lucky he's drunk! That way your body goes limp and you don't get hurt when you fall! That's how Gary Busey did his own stunts!
Karen: Well, help him!
Randall jumped from the bathroom window and into the stingray. Kevin drove off drunk with Randall aboard.
Karen: Nice!
Scene 12:
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta sneak into an old gym lit only by flickering fluorescents. A lone figure sits on the bleachers, silhouetted.
Brett DeMarco: Is that…?
Fitz It can’t be.
The figure stands. It’s Kendra Killington, former national cheer champion, expelled for “excessive aggression” and “weaponizing choreography.”
Kendra: (smiling) Miss me, assholes?
Fitz: You’re the mastermind? You’re like if Regina George joined the Fast & Furious franchise.
Kendra: I took your money because you funded Lovely Corp’s “energy drink” that made half my squad grow mustaches. Consider this revenge… and reparations.
Zeta: Honestly? Girlboss.
Fitz: Thanks for helping, Zeta.
Scene 13:
Kendra sits tied to a chair. Not painfully — just annoyingly. The rope is pink. There’s glitter everywhere.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, Kendra. Where’s the money?
Kendra: I’ll never tell. I’ve endured worse. I survived cheer camp in Florida.
Fitz: Brett, bring in the big guns.
Brett wheels in… Zeta, holding a tablet.
Zeta: I found your Finsta.
Kendra gasps.
Zeta: If you don’t talk, I’m posting your failed back‑handspring compilation.
Kendra: YOU WOULDN’T.
Zeta: Try me. I dare you!
Kendra breaks instantly.
Kendra: Fine! The money’s in a crypto wallet hidden in our competition routine. The final formation spells out the passphrase!
Brett DeMarco: That’s… actually genius.
Fitz: And infuriating.
Scene 14:
Kevin speeds down the neighborhood and enjoys the ride. As does Randall. The speeding stops until Kevin unwittingly crashes into a Rehab center. A rehab worker grabs Kevin and Randall takes off.
At Paradise PD headquarters. Randall now having fun being in Anton's inner circle. He flicks his dinner into the hole that Stanley made earlier.
Randall: Hey look! I'm feeding the birds! Suck on that Rod Taylor.
Dusty: That's a waste of good food!
Randall's cellphone rings. He answers it. It's Karen.
Karen: Randall! Kevin's in rehab!
Randall: What a marvelous day this has been! Kevin's in rehab out of the house and I'm in the inner circle!
Karen: Are you aware he crashed your car?
Randall: Yeah I was there. That car was a piece of shit! Goodbye!
Anton (eyes Randall): Rehab??!?!!?
Gina (eyes Randall): What did you do this time, twat waffle?
The day after. Anton has his inner circle. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley. And he makes an announcement.
Anton: Attention inner circle. Kevin Crawford has just entered rehab! This is him! (shows a pic of Kevin drunk on his cellphone) He has classified intel I have no idea how he got it. Now that he's entered treatment he'll no doubt have to be forced to talk to loose lipped drunks! Therefore he must be elimitated!
Randall gasps with fear. Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty begin to murmur too.
Anton: Oh Randall! I totally forgot you're now part of the inner circle. I would not dream of killing Kevin! It's just a little joke there! But seriously, can you leave the room.
Randall: (gets up): Uhhh, sure.
As soon as Randall gets out of the conference room. Randall listens in.
Anton: Actually I was joking about joking! Kevin Crawford must be destroyed.
Randall runs out of the Paradise PD Headquarters. Then Bullet decides to revolt.
Bullet: You know what? Ever since you laid off Kevin and Randall, you didn't make us go stop any crimes!
Gina; Bullet is right. Randall may be a blowhard, but we prefer him as a leader.
Dusty: You promised this was going to be like having a fun subsititute teacher! When you took over it's been anything but! You're beginning to act like a strict dictator!
Stanley: You're a worse leader than Harry Truman!
Anton: Guess what? I'm going to be staying your leader permanently!
Bullet: Whatchu Talkin' About Anton?
Anton: I am going to kill both Randall and Kevin so that way I can stay your leader forever! (laughs evilly)
Bullet: So that's why you laid them off!
Gina: So you can take over for yourself!
Dusty: I thought it was going to be cool and fun without Randall! Boy was I wrong.
Stanley: I miss Randall!
Bullet: Yeah, we want Randall back! And to a lesser extent, Kevin!
Running off to take down Kevin and Randall, Anton tracks them down to go about his plan!
Gina: Oh fuck! He's gone!
Dusty: We have to save both Randall and Kevin!
Bullet: We haven't busted any criminals since Anton took over. Now we are going to bust his ass!
Gina: How could we have been so stupid! We trusted that twat waffle!
Stanley: We'll be heroes like George Reeves the original Superman!
Bullet: We're the Paradise PD! All for one and one for all!
Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley all ran off to track down Anton.
Randall (driving a police car): There is no way they'll let me into rehab sober! I got a crazy idea that just might work!
Scene 15:
Driving to the rehab center Randall drives to a local bar and gets drunk. Then he drives to the rehab center where Kevin was. And crashes into the rehab sign. A security guard greets him.
Guard: Hey you drunk son of a bitch! Come and get some help!
Randall walked into the Group Therapy room. Kevin was there as was Jonathan Goldsmith. There was also a lady psychologist there to take notes.
Lady Psychologist: OKay who wants to go first.
Randall: Hey, aren't you the Most Interesting Man In the World?
Jonathan Goldsmith (Crying): None of my friends wanted to stay thirsty with me!
Kevin (sees Randall): Dad?!?!
A distant WHUP-WHUP-WHUP echoes over the rehab center.
Kevin: Uh… Dad? Rehab usually doesn’t come with helicopters.
Randall: That’s either a celebrity relapse or we’re about to die.
The windows SHATTER as gunfire rains down. Patients scream and scatter.
Lady Psychologist: OH MY GOD— THIS IS NOT IN THE MANUAL!
Kevin: Dad— IT’S ANTON!
They sprint outside. A police helicopter hovers above, ANTON hanging out the side with a rifle, cackling.
Anton: RUN, BOYS! SOBER UP TO THIS!
Gunfire peppers the ground around them. Randall and Kevin zig-zag drunkenly.
Randall: Joke’s on you! I’m too drunk to run straight!
Kevin: Missed us, nyahhhh!
Grabbing beer bottles Kevin and Randall stole them from a nearby crate.
Randall: On three!
Kevin: Dad, I hope you know what you're doing!
Both throw the bottles. MIRACLE SHOT. The bottles smash into the helicopter’s rotor. BOOOOOOM! The helicopter explodes mid-air and crashes harmlessly into an empty field.
Kevin: HOLY SHIT WE’RE AWESOME?!
Randall: I TAUGHT YOU THAT, BOY!
Emegering from the smoke, Anton runs, furious, scrambling up a nearby WATER TOWER.
Anton: YOU CAN’T STOP ME!
Kevin: He’s climbing a water tower!
Randall: Then we’re climbing a water tower!
Kevin and Randall stumble after him, slipping, laughing, and fighting the whole way up.
On top of the water tower Panting and unhinged, Anton turns to Kevin and Randall.
Anton: You idiots ruined everything! My plan was perfect! Kill Kevin. Kill Randall. Rule Paradise PD forever! That's why I got Kevin drunk so I can ruin him and he'll never be a cop again!
Kevin: You laid us off… TO MURDER US?!
Randall: That’s bad leadership, Anton!
A brutal, sloppy fight breaks out— punches, headbutts, biting, accidental hugging. The entire town of Paradise gathers below, watching like it’s WrestleMania.
Robbie: Best fight ever! Just like Mike Tyson biting off Evander Holyfield's ear!
Delbert: This fight is better than the one from Flava of Love!
Stanley: THIS IS BETTER THAN CABLE!
Anton pulls a gun and fires. BANG!
Stanley: AHHH! I’VE BEEN SHOT!
Medics rush Stanley away.
Kevin: YOU SHOT STANLEY?!
Anton: MOTHER FUCKER!
Enraged, Randall and Kevin tackle Anton. They overpower him, pinning him down. Anton smirks… pulls another gun.
Anton: Checkmate. (points gun at Kevin and Randall. Now Paradise PD will be mine. With you two dead I would not have to put up with you two or anyone else! I'll be free of you both!
BANG! BANG! BANG! Anton freezes. Eyes wide. Drops dead. Dusty, Gina, and Bullet stand behind him— holding smoking guns. A second helicopter hovers above.
Bullet: Surprise, bitch. Wow! This is like the series finale of The Fugitive!
Gina: We were chasing him.
Dusty: Then he stole our helicopter.
Kevin: …You guys shot Anton?
Gina: Yep.
Dusty: Right in the leadership.
Scene 16:
Back at Paradise PD Headquarters. Kevin puts his badge back on.
Kevin: Back on the force, baby!
Randall sits back in the chief’s chair. Bullet, Stanley (who was on crutches), Gina, and Dusty all start cheering for them.
Kevin: It's good to be back!
Randall: Daddy’s home.
Dusty: I gotta admit I missed having you in charge!
Gina: First thing now that you're back is to bust some crooks!
Bullet: Yes, and take a bite out of crime!
Randall and Kevin sit on top of a tall building, drunk, city lights glowing.
Kevin: You know… we’ve been through a lot.
Randall: Yeah. Murder plots. Rehab. Explosions. Father-son bonding. You know something Kevin? You really proved to me you can take care of yourself.
Kevin: That means a lot to me for you to say that! I'm a survivor after all! Oh and Dad?
Randall: Yeah, son?
Kevin: I’m still drunk.
Randall: Good. Fun fact when you fall drunk, your body goes limp and doesn’t get hurt.
Kevin: …That sounds fake.
Randall: It is true. Just ask Gary Busey!
Kevin: Okay how can we try?
Randall: Only one way to find out.
They clink beers. Both jump off the building together. CRASH! They land on parked cars below. CAR ALARMS BLARING EVERYWHERE.
Kevin: …I think it worked.
Randall: Science.
Scene 17 Conclusion:
The Pom‑Pom Posse performs their final routine. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta sit in the judges’ panel, ready.
Announcer: Next up — the reigning champions, the Pom‑Pom Posse!
The music hits. The cheerleaders launch into a routine that looks like a cross between Step Up 3D and a military coup.
Brett DeMarco: There! The pyramid! That’s the passphrase!
Zeta: I’m decoding it. It says… “GLITTER4EVER.”
Fitz: Of course it does.
Zeta types it in. Fitz’s Swiss account balance reappears on the screen.
Fitz: YES! Daddy Warbucks is BACK, baby!
The cheerleaders realize what’s happening. They charge the judges’ table.
Kendra: NO! That money was for our scholarship fund!
Fitz: You stole it from me!
Kendra: You stole our hormones!
The entire arena devolves into a glitter‑covered brawl. Mascots fight. Judges hide. Zeta films everything for TikTok.
Brett DeMarco: (shouting over chaos) So… are we the good guys here?
Fitz: Absolutely not!
Back at the Lovely Corp main office. Fitz sits at his desk, satisfied. Zeta plays with a pom‑pom. Brett nurses a black eye.
Brett DeMarco: So… what did we learn?
Zeta: Cheerleaders are terrifying.
Fitz: And never — EVER — underestimate a group of flexible, vengeful college girls.
They all nod solemnly.
THE END
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
The Kevin Who Went Up A Mountain.
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
One afternoon in the small town of Paradise. Randall drives home and walks into Karen's house. Karen on the couch could not figure out why Randall walked inside and was home earlier than before.
Karen: What are you doing home so early, Randall?
Randall (sighs) They all went bowling.
Karen: Who did?
Randall: Anton and his inner circle. He layed me off and took over as police chief.
Karen: Then why don't you join the inner circle and get your job back?
Randall: I did. They would not let me.
A flashback ensues as Randall walks back from the bathroom into his confrence room. Randall knocks.
Randall: Uhh, hello? Chief of Police!
Walking into the conference room, Randall sees Anton floating into the air via a floor fan. Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley were floating into the air too.
Anton: What do you want?!?!?
Randall: The hell is this? The Gypsy Moths fan club!
Anton: Nein! I'm laying you and your loset son off! Und in the meantime all your cops are going to be in mein Inner Circle!
Randall: Can I be in your inner circle?
Anton: Nein! Isaid this once and i'll say it again! I'm laying you off. Shut the door! Tax payers are paying top dollar for this!
Dusty: You don't know what you're missin' Randall! This is AWESOME!
Bullet: Anton lets me have drugs! This is even more fun when you're high!
The flashback ends. Randall explains.
Randall: All my police crew were all flying like birds, Karen! I was just standing there on the ground! Like a fucking mammal!
Karen: Well, you can be a brute sometimes but I don't think you're a mammal!
Kevin walks into the living room of the Crawford home. Like he just got out of bed. He announces himself. Randall was surprised.
Randall: KEVIN! What the fuck! Did you sleep all this time? Did you realize it's four in the afternoon!
Kevin: Anton layed me off too.
Randall: You can't possibly be getting up!
Kevin: Whatevs. Anyway, can one of you make me some bakety eggs?
Karen: Bakety eggs? That's your code name for breakfast! Coming right up!
Randall (points to Karen and Kevin): YOU! Hold it right there! YOU! Make your own fucking bakety eggs! (looks at himself in a mirror): YOU! Handsome devil!
Kevin: I don't know how to make eggs! Mom always makes my eggs.
Randall: Holy shit! You've been layed off and already you told me you don't know how to cook, you slept all day and you can barely speak in complete sentences.
Kevin: What you are talking me at?
Randall: You have no survival skills!
Kevin: Oh yes I do! I became a cop and solved a lot of crimes! Remember! Remember! Remember! Remember!
Randall: Hey! Don't you quote Willie Tanner in that crappy ALF episode where he meets Gilligan's Island.
Karen: Kevin does know how to hold his own. You're just being over dramatic. You're both depressed because Anton layed you both off.
Randall: That's beside the point, Karen! We are both going to die someday. You sooner than me. And we we depart this man is going to be qualified to be a janitor. A cashier at Goopy Goobers. A gay male prostitute...the list goes on!
Kevin: I have plenty of survival skills!
Randall: then prove it! Effective immediately! You are going to start paying rent to us young man!
Kevin: How am I supposed to afford that!!!
Randall: You're a policeman! You have survival skills! You figure it out! Be something other than a janitor or a cashier at a Goopy Goobers!
Kevin: Fine! You're on! (walks to his room)
Randall: Like Edie Falco in Meagan Leavey! He's Not Going To Lay Around And Do Nothing!
Scene 2:
Later on that day, Kevin got a job at Paradise VHS alongside Robbie and Delbert.
Kevin: Thanks for getting me this job, guys. My Dad has thing where I have to pay rent.
Robbie: Don't blame him there! Somebody has to pay for all this neon!
Delbert: It ain't going to be us!
Robbie: It'll be you! You need to give us half of what you make!
Delbert: Since you're not in the Paradise PD inner circle, you're in ours now!
Kevin: All right. Guess I better be ready for the so called Real World! And I'm not talking about that MTV Show from the 1990s with that Puck or Pedro guy or whatever his name is.
Robbie: All right. Now that you have this job as a clerk here at Paradise VHS. We're going to let you in on a ton of secrets.
Delbert pours a glass of liquor. Gives a glass to Kevin, himself, and Robbie.
Robbie: The better you are the better tips you'll get. Except for Carlos! He's the one who'll give you the tip. Trust me! You don't want the tip.
Delbert: Now that you'll be working for us, you get to have free drinks.
Kevin: Oooohhh keeeeeee.....
Delbert: Oh here's another clue for you we'll let you in on.....Carlos is Anton!
Taking the drink Kevin goes to call Randall and Karen about his new job at Paradise VHS.
Scene 3:
At Lovely Corp. Fitz sits behind his massive desk, sipping a kale‑infused protein shake. Brett bursts in, holding a tablet like it’s a bomb about to go off.
Brett DeMarco: Uh… Fitz? We have a situation. Like, The Italian Job level situation. The good one. Not the remake.
Fitz (leans back, annoyed): Brett, unless Jason Statham himself is downstairs doing donuts in a Mini Cooper, it can wait.
Brett DeMarco: I wish it were that simple. Your Swiss bank account? The one you swore was “unhackable, untouchable, and sexier than a Bond villain’s bathtub”?
Fitz: Yeah, what about it?
Brett DeMarco (stammering): It’s… gone. Emptied. Cleaned out with the precision of a Mission: Impossible laser grid sequence.
Freezing as his eye twitches, Fitz gives Brett a look.
Fitz: Who. Did. It.
Brett DeMarco (turns tablet around) College cheerleaders.
Fitz: …Cheerleaders?
Brett DeMarco: Not just any cheerleaders. These girls ran a full‑scale Bring It On meets Now You See Me operation. They used synchronized tumbling to dodge security cameras. They used glitter bombs as diversions. They even had a getaway routine.
Fitz: A getaway routine?
Brett DeMarco: Yeah. They spelled out “BYE LOSER” in human pyramid formation before escaping in a bedazzled party bus.
Standing, Fitz starts pacing like a crime boss in a gritty ‘90s heist thriller.
Fitz: This is worse than when the DEA stole my coke shipment by hiding it inside a charity 5K. Cheerleaders, Brett. CHEERLEADERS. I used to run an empire. I survived cartel wars. I bribed a judge with a yacht. And now I’m getting robbed by a group of girls who say “slay” unironically?
Brett DeMarco: To be fair, Fitz… they did slay. Like, strategically.
Fitz: (sharply) Don’t you dare compliment them.
Brett DeMarco: Sorry. But look — they left a calling card.
He hands Fitz a sparkly pink index card. It reads: “CATCH US IF YOU CAN — XOXO, THE POM‑POM POSSE.”
Fitz: (reading) They referenced Catch Me If You Can. These little monsters know cinema.
Brett DeMarco And cheerleading. And cybercrime. And apparently parkour.
Fitz: (slams fist on desk) Brett, assemble a team.
Brett DeMarco: A team? Like a heist‑counter‑heist team?
Fitz: Exactly. Think The Usual Suspects, but with fewer trench coats and more plausible deniability.
Brett DeMarco: Who do we recruit?
Fitz: Anyone who’s ever been rejected from Cirque du Soleil. Anyone who’s ever been kicked out of a gymnastics program for “excessive enthusiasm.” Anyone who’s ever said, “I could’ve gone pro if my knee didn’t explode.”
Brett DeMarco: So… the Paradise PD athletic department?
Fitz: Perfect. We’re taking back my money, Brett. (beat) No one out‑cheers Gerald Fitzgerald.
Scene 4:
At the Crawford house. Karen was worried about Kevin working at his new job in Paradise VHS. There was a news report going on.
Kurt Connors: Good evening. The local business Paradise VHS seems to be turning into a brothel. A bar so to speak.....
Hobo Cop runs by Kurt Connors and waves at the camera and talking unintellegently then vomits.
Karen (gasps): I have to tell Randall!
Going to the master bedroom. Karen sees Randall getting dressed.
Karen: I just heard on the news.
Randall rolls his eyes and sihs in frustration.
Karen: HEY! Don't do that! That triggers me! Stop rolling your eyes at me! You are not my 12 year old older brother and I'm not your 6 year old younger sister.....
Randall: All right! What is it? Let me guess Kevin is fucking up already?
Karen: Now I know you want Kevin to learn survival skills, but is Robbie's and Delbert's Paradise VHS appropriate for him? It's turning into a bar for God's sake.
Randall: What do you want me to do?
Karen: How about you go there and spy on Kevin?
Randall: Spy on Kevin? Sure! It's been years since I've gone undercover. Let me refresh myself on some of my skills!
Getting some pieces of paper Randall had on him. The papers were instructions for going undercover. On one of the papers it said Jamacian Accent and Moonwalking.
Randall (Jamacian Accent): Mon, this'll be as easy as doing a Moonwalk! Moonwalking Mon! Moonwalking Mon! Moonwalking Mon!
Doing a moonwalk, repeating "Moonwalking Mon" over and over. Randall exits the master bedroom.
Karen (sighs) I wish I never shown him that pilot episode of Garfield and Friends.
Scene 5:
Arriving at Paradise VHS. Randall walks inside. It has indeed turned into a bar and a brothel. The lowest of the low who lived in Paradise were there. Everyone from husbands wanting to cheat on their wives, strippers, bikers, prostitutes, rapists, and serial killers. A cloud of weed smoke engulfed the ceiling. Bloodknife and Unregistered Earl were there. Bloodknife was cutting his own fingers off with a knife. Even former presidents Biden and Clinton.
Biden: Oh fuck yeah!
Clinton: You can say that again!
Unregistered Earl: How do you do that man?
Bloodknife: It's all in the fingers, dude!
Observing Paradise VHS some more, Robbie and Delbert were going around and serving alcohol. First to a passed out single mom who's baby ends up drinking the alcohol. Then some overweight strippers and some drug dealers.
Randall: Son of a whore! Karen was right! I can't let Kevin work here!
Hearing a familiar voice at the desk. Randall turns to see it was Anton getting drunk. Kevin, too was drunk as he was listening to Anton
Anton: What to know what I really think? Agents don't have any style anymore!
Kevin: You're telling me man hick. Asians have lost their touch! That movie Memoirs of A Geisha is proof of that! hick
Anton: No! I said Agents! Like policemen! They ought to wear pocket squares if you ask me!
Kevin: Ooooh! Right! hick
Randall hides behind a cigarette machine.
Kevin: So your code name is Carlos right? hick
Anton: Yeah that's what they call me. hick
Kevin: Robbie and Delbert tell me you give unwanted tips! hick
Randall: Maybe he can reveal something about the inner circle.
Done with his drink. Anton wants Kevin to pour him some more alcohol.
Anton: I'll Have What I'm Having! hick and pour one for yourself!
Kevin: One of the advantages of working a job! You get the benefits! hick This alcohol should be called 'awesome-hol!'
Anton: Anyway what would you like to talk about?
Kevin: Don't get too drunk than you already here. hick I know you're a guy with a lot of secrets.
Anton: You're just a clerk here. I might share with you some of my deepest secrets! In fact I'll even tell you my favorite animal! I'll give you a hint, MMMEEOOOOWWW!
Randall goes home for the night after spying on Kevin. Karen was in bed.
Karen: What did you find out?
Randall: Karen what is a pocket square?
Karen: It's a decorative hankerchief, who cares? So, how's the movie rental place turned bar? Is Kevin going to be okay working in there?
Randall: It's very advanced now! Great place to work!
Both Karen and Randall hear gunshots from far away. Both of them know it came from Paradise VHS.
Robbie (from from away): Free drinks for anyone who saw him masterbate.
Randall: As I was saying, great place to work!
Scene 6:
The arena is packed with screaming fans, glitter cannons, and the faint smell of spray tan. Fitz and Brett stand in the hallway wearing the worst disguises imaginable: matching tracksuits, fake mustaches, and lanyards that say “JUDGES (PROBABLY).”
Brett DeMarco: (whispering) Fitz, we look like the villains from Stick It if they had a midlife crisis.
Fitz: Focus. These cheerleaders stole millions from me. I’m not letting a group of bedazzled acrobats outsmart Gerald Fitzgerald twice.
Popping between them, Zeta comes wearing a tiny headset and holding a clipboard.
Zeta: I hacked the schedule. Their routine is in five minutes. Also, I stole a churro, want some Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett?.
Fitz: Good girl. Stay behind us. If things go south, use your “cute child” privilege.
Zeta: Already planning to.
They push through the crowd. Onstage, a squad of cheerleaders performs a routine so synchronized it looks like a military operation choreographed by Beyoncé.
Brett DeMarco: Fitz… that’s them. The Pom‑Pom Posse.
Fitz: I know. I recognize their smug little toe‑touches.
Scene 7:
The day after, Randall goes to Paradise PD Headquarters now with a pocket square. The door now has a sign that reads Inner Circle.
Randall: All right, pocket square! Do your stuff!
Inside Paradise PD conference room, Anton was showing Stanley, Dusty, Bullet, and Gina pictures of celebrities.
Anton: Now this here is Rhianna, This is Katy Perry. Now here's Selena Gomez....
Gina: Come on! Get to the fat dudes already! Is Post Malone there?
Anton: I'll ignore that. This completes todays hotties.
Bullet: Thought you were a homosexual?
Stanley: Yeah, you should've shown us Rita Hayworth!
Dusty: Or Rebel Wilson!
Anton: Enough! (turns to Randall): Crawford! This meeting doesn't concern you! Go back and do whatever it is laid off employees do and....
Eyeing the pocket square Anton was mesmirized.
Anton: Wow! Wunderbar! I love the pocket square! So sorry I used a harsh tone there! Let's go into the office. (turns to Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, and Gina) We are not to be disturbed! (runs back) unless there's something funny on youtube!
Randall follows Anton into the office.
Anton: Wow! Crawford! I had no idea you had a rocket in your pocket! Feast your eyes!
Turning on a button a mirror that reveals a lot of pocket squares. Anton shows them to Randall.
Randall (gasps): You like pocket squares too!
Anton: Of course! Last time I wore one I was at Perez Hilton's bachleor party! But sorry, you still can't be in my inner circle. Neither can your asshole son Kevin. Keep up the good work!
Gina: Anton! Come quick! Dusty just found the Toga Party scene from Animal House! On Youtube!
Scene 8:
Coming home from the Paradise PD. Randall goes into Kevin's room. Kevin was in bed seemingly sick.
Randall: Kevin? Time to wake up, Encyclopedia Brown Hole! Ready for work!
Kevin: Ehhhh, not feeling so good.
Randall: Anyway, I could not help but notice that Anton was in Paradise VHS last night. Any fun stories you'd like to share?
Kevin: Dad, I can't tell you that. It's a code we have at work.
Randall: Codes, right. I know those. You don't have to tell me about codes. I know them all. Morse, RTTY, PSK, Da Vinci..... Anyway get up! Important people need to unload their secrets on you.
Kevin (gets up): I'm really hung over. Anton is there every night. Anton always insists that I drink with him. Maybe I should get a different job...
Randall: What? No! No! No! No! NO! You're keeping your job and sticking with it! Now let's not have anymore silly ass talk about your quitting this job! Quitting is for relators! Until they become relators! Let's just leave it at that! (leaves Kevin's bedroom)
Scene 9:
The routine ends. The cheerleaders strike a final pose — then lock eyes with Fitz. A beat. Then they scatter like glitter‑covered gazelles.
Fitz: GO! GO! GO!
Cue a chaotic chase scored like a low‑budget Mission: Impossible knockoff. Cheerleaders sprint through hallways, flipping over tables. Brett tries to follow but keeps getting hit by flying pom‑poms. Zeta rides a merch cart like it’s a chariot of war. Fitz hurdles a mascot dressed as a giant foam megaphone.
Brett DeMarco: (shouting) They’re too fast! They trained for this! They’re like Bring It On ninjas!
Fitz: Then we adapt. Brett — formation Delta!
Brett DeMarco: We don’t have a formation Delta!
Fitz: We do now! RUN FASTER!
The chase spills into the parking lot. The cheerleaders leap into a glitter‑wrapped party bus. It peels out, leaving a cloud of pink smoke.
Zeta: They left a note.
She holds up a sparkly card: “NICE TRY, DADDY WARBUCKS — XOXO, POM‑POM POSSE.”
Fitz: (reading) They called me Daddy Warbucks. If anything I should be called Mr Tibbs! I’m going to destroy them.
Scene 10:
That very night. Kevin was back at work at Paradise VHS. Still running as a brothel. Randall comes in to visit Kevin and brings a pot of flowers that has a listening device inside.
Randall: Hey, Encyclopedia Brown Hole! I won't ask you to break your code. Thought I'd bring some flowers! You know for home decor! It was Karen's idea and.....
Feedback was heard from the listening device inside the flowers.
Randall: Just ignore that squeaking sound! It's nothing you hear me!
Kevin (walks over to the flowers, drunk): Wow, they smell so good! Like a perfume from Taylor Swift. (stumbles)
Randall: Kevin? Are you drunk?
Kevin: I'm just doing what you're telling me to do! My job.
Randall: You know your mother is right. this isn't the healthiest envoirment for you. You should quit (gasps)
Anton walks into Paradise VHS. Robbie and Delbert were getting annoyed by his constant presence.
Robbie: Dammit, this Anton sumbitch is having too much fun in here!
Delbert: Way too much fun, Robbie! What's his connection with Kevin all the time!
Randall: You're clearly too legit to quit! (hip hop dances) Hey hey!
Anton (walks over to Kevin): Line them up Kevin!
In his police car Randall uses the listening device in the flowers that has a cellphone connected to it so Randall can listen in on Anton and Kevin.
Anton: Hey Kevin, did I ever tell you about the time I taught Nancy Pelosi to tuck in her farts?
Randall has a pen and paper and was writing down everything Anton and Kevin were talking about. Preferably how to get inside the Inner Circle.
Anton: It was also the weekend I discovered those Croc shoes!
In a musical montage. Puddle of Mudd Drift and Die was playing. In one scene, Randall shows up wearing croc shoes and Anton was impressed. Anton has a bulletin board with Randall's picture on it and puts a star next to his picture. After that a scene changes into Anton talking with Kevin near the flowers which had the listening device. Anton does some headbanging while talking to Kevin. Randall shows up for work wearing a Twisted Sister style wig that impresses Anton again!
Going to the bulletin board again he puts a star next to Randall's picture. Continuing his quest to join the Inner Circle and get his police chief job back. Randall writes down more things that Anton was telling Kevin. Whilst Anton and Kevin were getting drunk. Randall then breaths down Anton's neck. Anton again was giving Randall stars next to his picture. Then Randall has a slumber party in Diamond City with all the Diamond City cops sleeping in a zoo. Anton comes as well. Randall and Anton cheer as they see each other. In no time at all, Anton now invites Randall into his Inner Circle.
Song ends.
Scene 11:
Back in the conference room. Randall was now back with Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley with Anton still the leader.
Anton: Now I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Paradise PD inner circle! Someone you all know and love! Randall Crawford!
Everyone applauded. Dusty went too overboard with it.
Dusty: YAY! YAY! YAY! RANDALL'S ONE OF US! GOBBA GOBBA HEY! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Anton: Sorry Stanley! You're out!
Pressing a button. Stanley flew out of the ceiling.
Anton: There! That's all we'll be hearing from him now!
Bullet: You did us a favor! He's pointless and annoying!
Anton: Now that you're in our Inner Circle. I'm still the boss. Kevin is out! You get it!
Randall: If this is what it takes to be back in the Paradise PD, I'll take it!
The next morning, Karen walks into the bathroom. The shower curtain is closed. Out comes an empty beer bottle. Opening the shower curtain, she sees Kevin sleeping in the shower on top of what it looked like one thousand beer bottles.
Karen: Oh no! Kevin!
The beer bottles splatter and pour out of the shower. Kevin was passed out drunk. Karen tried to get him up.
Karen: Kevin! Get up!
Kevin (slurred) I'm showing Dad I can take care of myself!
Karen: I knew this was a terrible idea making you work at a VHS place that got turned into a brothel!
Kevin (vomits and slurs) Since when did I eat vomit!
Karen: Kevin! You have a problem!
Kevin (slurs): You wanna go, bitch! Wanna see my Jesse Pinkman impression! hick
As Kevin tries to punch Karen, he falls through a window and lands in a car.
Karen: Kevin! You're drunk! Don't you know the dangers of drinking and driving!??!?!?
Kevin ( Slurs): Oooooh shiny!
Randall (joins Karen): Hey, that's my badass stingray I got in 1974!
Karen: Kevin? Are you okay?
Randall: Lucky he's drunk! That way your body goes limp and you don't get hurt when you fall! That's how Gary Busey did his own stunts!
Karen: Well, help him!
Randall jumped from the bathroom window and into the stingray. Kevin drove off drunk with Randall aboard.
Karen: Nice!
Scene 12:
Fitz, Brett, and Zeta sneak into an old gym lit only by flickering fluorescents. A lone figure sits on the bleachers, silhouetted.
Brett DeMarco: Is that…?
Fitz It can’t be.
The figure stands. It’s Kendra Killington, former national cheer champion, expelled for “excessive aggression” and “weaponizing choreography.”
Kendra: (smiling) Miss me, assholes?
Fitz: You’re the mastermind? You’re like if Regina George joined the Fast & Furious franchise.
Kendra: I took your money because you funded Lovely Corp’s “energy drink” that made half my squad grow mustaches. Consider this revenge… and reparations.
Zeta: Honestly? Girlboss.
Fitz: Thanks for helping, Zeta.
Scene 13:
Kendra sits tied to a chair. Not painfully — just annoyingly. The rope is pink. There’s glitter everywhere.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, Kendra. Where’s the money?
Kendra: I’ll never tell. I’ve endured worse. I survived cheer camp in Florida.
Fitz: Brett, bring in the big guns.
Brett wheels in… Zeta, holding a tablet.
Zeta: I found your Finsta.
Kendra gasps.
Zeta: If you don’t talk, I’m posting your failed back‑handspring compilation.
Kendra: YOU WOULDN’T.
Zeta: Try me. I dare you!
Kendra breaks instantly.
Kendra: Fine! The money’s in a crypto wallet hidden in our competition routine. The final formation spells out the passphrase!
Brett DeMarco: That’s… actually genius.
Fitz: And infuriating.
Scene 14:
Kevin speeds down the neighborhood and enjoys the ride. As does Randall. The speeding stops until Kevin unwittingly crashes into a Rehab center. A rehab worker grabs Kevin and Randall takes off.
At Paradise PD headquarters. Randall now having fun being in Anton's inner circle. He flicks his dinner into the hole that Stanley made earlier.
Randall: Hey look! I'm feeding the birds! Suck on that Rod Taylor.
Dusty: That's a waste of good food!
Randall's cellphone rings. He answers it. It's Karen.
Karen: Randall! Kevin's in rehab!
Randall: What a marvelous day this has been! Kevin's in rehab out of the house and I'm in the inner circle!
Karen: Are you aware he crashed your car?
Randall: Yeah I was there. That car was a piece of shit! Goodbye!
Anton (eyes Randall): Rehab??!?!!?
Gina (eyes Randall): What did you do this time, twat waffle?
The day after. Anton has his inner circle. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley. And he makes an announcement.
Anton: Attention inner circle. Kevin Crawford has just entered rehab! This is him! (shows a pic of Kevin drunk on his cellphone) He has classified intel I have no idea how he got it. Now that he's entered treatment he'll no doubt have to be forced to talk to loose lipped drunks! Therefore he must be elimitated!
Randall gasps with fear. Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty begin to murmur too.
Anton: Oh Randall! I totally forgot you're now part of the inner circle. I would not dream of killing Kevin! It's just a little joke there! But seriously, can you leave the room.
Randall: (gets up): Uhhh, sure.
As soon as Randall gets out of the conference room. Randall listens in.
Anton: Actually I was joking about joking! Kevin Crawford must be destroyed.
Randall runs out of the Paradise PD Headquarters. Then Bullet decides to revolt.
Bullet: You know what? Ever since you laid off Kevin and Randall, you didn't make us go stop any crimes!
Gina; Bullet is right. Randall may be a blowhard, but we prefer him as a leader.
Dusty: You promised this was going to be like having a fun subsititute teacher! When you took over it's been anything but! You're beginning to act like a strict dictator!
Stanley: You're a worse leader than Harry Truman!
Anton: Guess what? I'm going to be staying your leader permanently!
Bullet: Whatchu Talkin' About Anton?
Anton: I am going to kill both Randall and Kevin so that way I can stay your leader forever! (laughs evilly)
Bullet: So that's why you laid them off!
Gina: So you can take over for yourself!
Dusty: I thought it was going to be cool and fun without Randall! Boy was I wrong.
Stanley: I miss Randall!
Bullet: Yeah, we want Randall back! And to a lesser extent, Kevin!
Running off to take down Kevin and Randall, Anton tracks them down to go about his plan!
Gina: Oh fuck! He's gone!
Dusty: We have to save both Randall and Kevin!
Bullet: We haven't busted any criminals since Anton took over. Now we are going to bust his ass!
Gina: How could we have been so stupid! We trusted that twat waffle!
Stanley: We'll be heroes like George Reeves the original Superman!
Bullet: We're the Paradise PD! All for one and one for all!
Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley all ran off to track down Anton.
Randall (driving a police car): There is no way they'll let me into rehab sober! I got a crazy idea that just might work!
Scene 15:
Driving to the rehab center Randall drives to a local bar and gets drunk. Then he drives to the rehab center where Kevin was. And crashes into the rehab sign. A security guard greets him.
Guard: Hey you drunk son of a bitch! Come and get some help!
Randall walked into the Group Therapy room. Kevin was there as was Jonathan Goldsmith. There was also a lady psychologist there to take notes.
Lady Psychologist: OKay who wants to go first.
Randall: Hey, aren't you the Most Interesting Man In the World?
Jonathan Goldsmith (Crying): None of my friends wanted to stay thirsty with me!
Kevin (sees Randall): Dad?!?!
A distant WHUP-WHUP-WHUP echoes over the rehab center.
Kevin: Uh… Dad? Rehab usually doesn’t come with helicopters.
Randall: That’s either a celebrity relapse or we’re about to die.
The windows SHATTER as gunfire rains down. Patients scream and scatter.
Lady Psychologist: OH MY GOD— THIS IS NOT IN THE MANUAL!
Kevin: Dad— IT’S ANTON!
They sprint outside. A police helicopter hovers above, ANTON hanging out the side with a rifle, cackling.
Anton: RUN, BOYS! SOBER UP TO THIS!
Gunfire peppers the ground around them. Randall and Kevin zig-zag drunkenly.
Randall: Joke’s on you! I’m too drunk to run straight!
Kevin: Missed us, nyahhhh!
Grabbing beer bottles Kevin and Randall stole them from a nearby crate.
Randall: On three!
Kevin: Dad, I hope you know what you're doing!
Both throw the bottles. MIRACLE SHOT. The bottles smash into the helicopter’s rotor. BOOOOOOM! The helicopter explodes mid-air and crashes harmlessly into an empty field.
Kevin: HOLY SHIT WE’RE AWESOME?!
Randall: I TAUGHT YOU THAT, BOY!
Emegering from the smoke, Anton runs, furious, scrambling up a nearby WATER TOWER.
Anton: YOU CAN’T STOP ME!
Kevin: He’s climbing a water tower!
Randall: Then we’re climbing a water tower!
Kevin and Randall stumble after him, slipping, laughing, and fighting the whole way up.
On top of the water tower Panting and unhinged, Anton turns to Kevin and Randall.
Anton: You idiots ruined everything! My plan was perfect! Kill Kevin. Kill Randall. Rule Paradise PD forever! That's why I got Kevin drunk so I can ruin him and he'll never be a cop again!
Kevin: You laid us off… TO MURDER US?!
Randall: That’s bad leadership, Anton!
A brutal, sloppy fight breaks out— punches, headbutts, biting, accidental hugging. The entire town of Paradise gathers below, watching like it’s WrestleMania.
Robbie: Best fight ever! Just like Mike Tyson biting off Evander Holyfield's ear!
Delbert: This fight is better than the one from Flava of Love!
Stanley: THIS IS BETTER THAN CABLE!
Anton pulls a gun and fires. BANG!
Stanley: AHHH! I’VE BEEN SHOT!
Medics rush Stanley away.
Kevin: YOU SHOT STANLEY?!
Anton: MOTHER FUCKER!
Enraged, Randall and Kevin tackle Anton. They overpower him, pinning him down. Anton smirks… pulls another gun.
Anton: Checkmate. (points gun at Kevin and Randall. Now Paradise PD will be mine. With you two dead I would not have to put up with you two or anyone else! I'll be free of you both!
BANG! BANG! BANG! Anton freezes. Eyes wide. Drops dead. Dusty, Gina, and Bullet stand behind him— holding smoking guns. A second helicopter hovers above.
Bullet: Surprise, bitch. Wow! This is like the series finale of The Fugitive!
Gina: We were chasing him.
Dusty: Then he stole our helicopter.
Kevin: …You guys shot Anton?
Gina: Yep.
Dusty: Right in the leadership.
Scene 16:
Back at Paradise PD Headquarters. Kevin puts his badge back on.
Kevin: Back on the force, baby!
Randall sits back in the chief’s chair. Bullet, Stanley (who was on crutches), Gina, and Dusty all start cheering for them.
Kevin: It's good to be back!
Randall: Daddy’s home.
Dusty: I gotta admit I missed having you in charge!
Gina: First thing now that you're back is to bust some crooks!
Bullet: Yes, and take a bite out of crime!
Randall and Kevin sit on top of a tall building, drunk, city lights glowing.
Kevin: You know… we’ve been through a lot.
Randall: Yeah. Murder plots. Rehab. Explosions. Father-son bonding. You know something Kevin? You really proved to me you can take care of yourself.
Kevin: That means a lot to me for you to say that! I'm a survivor after all! Oh and Dad?
Randall: Yeah, son?
Kevin: I’m still drunk.
Randall: Good. Fun fact when you fall drunk, your body goes limp and doesn’t get hurt.
Kevin: …That sounds fake.
Randall: It is true. Just ask Gary Busey!
Kevin: Okay how can we try?
Randall: Only one way to find out.
They clink beers. Both jump off the building together. CRASH! They land on parked cars below. CAR ALARMS BLARING EVERYWHERE.
Kevin: …I think it worked.
Randall: Science.
Scene 17 Conclusion:
The Pom‑Pom Posse performs their final routine. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta sit in the judges’ panel, ready.
Announcer: Next up — the reigning champions, the Pom‑Pom Posse!
The music hits. The cheerleaders launch into a routine that looks like a cross between Step Up 3D and a military coup.
Brett DeMarco: There! The pyramid! That’s the passphrase!
Zeta: I’m decoding it. It says… “GLITTER4EVER.”
Fitz: Of course it does.
Zeta types it in. Fitz’s Swiss account balance reappears on the screen.
Fitz: YES! Daddy Warbucks is BACK, baby!
The cheerleaders realize what’s happening. They charge the judges’ table.
Kendra: NO! That money was for our scholarship fund!
Fitz: You stole it from me!
Kendra: You stole our hormones!
The entire arena devolves into a glitter‑covered brawl. Mascots fight. Judges hide. Zeta films everything for TikTok.
Brett DeMarco: (shouting over chaos) So… are we the good guys here?
Fitz: Absolutely not!
Back at the Lovely Corp main office. Fitz sits at his desk, satisfied. Zeta plays with a pom‑pom. Brett nurses a black eye.
Brett DeMarco: So… what did we learn?
Zeta: Cheerleaders are terrifying.
Fitz: And never — EVER — underestimate a group of flexible, vengeful college girls.
They all nod solemnly.
THE END
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