Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
The Paradise PD have their hands full with a single mom's baby. Fitz and Brett deal with a corrupt cereal company.
0Unrated
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
Coppy Day Care
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
t was a hot, sunny day in the town of Paradise. Randall had Kevin, Bullet, Stanley, and Gina clean up the obstacle training course. Randall was tidying his desk. Dusty on the other hand, not carrying any of the load was laughing at something he was watching on his iPAD.
Kevin: Oh shit! I missed a spot! Boy am I a sap!
Bullet: I don't mind doing this. I get the job done faster than you lazy asses!
Gina: Let me guess, cocaine, right?
Bullet: Exactly!
Stanley: I was once a cleaning maid for James Cagney. I'm a natural at it!
Kevin: It shows!
Bullet: All right. That just about wraps it up.
Gina: I'm done here. Just let it dry in the sun.
In the conference room. Randall was done tidying his desk. Then got annoyed by Dusty's laughing. Randall walks over the Dusty.
Randall: Hey! Why are you stalling around for! (takes his iPAD)
Dusty: Hey! Give that back! I'm not done with it yet!
Randall: Why aren't you out there cleaning the obstacle training course?
Dusty: I was going to get around to it. Then I got too caught up in watching my favorite MST3K episode. The Day the Earth Froze.
Bullet, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley all walk into the conference room.
Kevin: The deed is done Dad!
Randall: Good Good! Took you long enough!
Bullet: Hey, Dusty did you just mention that stupid movie from Sweden that wouldn't shut the fuck up about Sampo?
Dusty: Yeah, that's the one. Was going to watch my favorite part where the Witch steals the sun.....but some Police Captain would not let me.....(eyes Randall)
Randall: Immature attitude! Immature performance!
Kevin (under this breath): He used to say that to me when I first starting out.
Randall (to Dusty): Instead of going home tonight, you're going to stay over and clean the holding cell with a toothbrush!
Dusty: Oh no! (Cries) Not that! Anything but that!
Randall: You should've thought about that before you slacked off!
Scene 2:
A young woman runs into the Paradise PD conference room. She had a baby who was her son with her in a stroller. She knocks on the door. Randall, Bullet, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all come to greet her. The woman was named Sarah.
Sarah: Hello, my name is Sarah Rochester. Which one of you guys is in charge of the police station.
Kevin, Dusty, and Randall (in unison and bowing their heads): I AM.. (bumping their heads together)
Randall: Spread out, fuckasses! So anyway. Please excuse that. What can I do you for?
Sarah: Loan sharks killed my boyfriend. Now I'm so alone! And I am in desparate trouble. Now the loan sharks are after me and my baby (crying)
Kevin: My god that's terrible. Do you know where these loan sharks are?
Sarah: No I don't. They were chasing me. I was able to get away from them. My biggest fear is that they'll get after me and my baby and find a way to get away with it.
Bullet: Do you know their names? Maybe I know them?
Sarah: Again, no. The killed my boyfriend because he owned them money and he used that money to feed our baby. (sobs) I need a place to hide.
Gina: Can't you go back to your parents?
Sarah: NEVER! NEVER! Anything but that! My parents were abusive. Dispproved of me getting married so young and having a baby.
Stanley: I know a place you can hide. How about U Store It Some where I live!
Randall: Shut up, Stanley! Anyway you can stay with my ex wife Karen. She always wants to help out 'poor single mothers'.
Giving Sarah the address to Karen's house. Sarah accepts the offer.
Sarah: Thank you so much. While I'm in hiding you all have to look after my baby. Until this whole thing clears over.
Gina: No worries or pressure. We'll watch that baby of yours like he's our own!
Dusty (playing and cooing with the baby): What's this little dude's name?
Sarah: Starcher. All our names began with S.
Kevin offers to take Sarah over to Karen's house.
Sarah: Thank you guys so much!
Kevin: We're cops. That's what we're here for, right?
Randall: Come right back, Kevin! We're going to need your help with this baby too!
Kevin: Yes sir Dad!
Randall: OKay, I'll look after Starcher here and the rest of you get some baby supplies.
Bullet, Stanley, Dusty and Gina all went to get baby supplies. Randall looks at Starcher.
Randall: Well, kid. Looks like you'll be staying with us for a while. I hope you don't grow up to be like my dumbass son, Kevin. Wait'll see him! You'll hate him in the New York minute!
Scene 3:
Upbeat 90s jingle. The kitchen is blindingly bright. A father and son sit at a table with a massive bowl of cereal.
Father: Wow, son! Nothing starts the day like a balanced breakfast!
Son: Golly, Dad! It’s part of this complete breakfast!
Father: It’s fortified with twelve essential vitamins and minerals!
Son: Including iron! Because strong bones make strong choices!
They both freeze-smile at the camera like animatronics in Five Nights at Freddy’s.
Father & Son (together): They’re magically nutritious!
Sparkles explode. CHARMERS, a cartoon snake mascot, slithers into frame.
Charmers: That’s right, folks! Collect five golden UPC codes and you could unlock a prize beyond your wildest dreams!
Father: Wow, Charmers! Is it a bike?
Son: Or a drone? Or emotional stability?
Charmers: It’s better than that! It’s—
Gunshots ring out. The music screeches to a halt.
Father: Uh… that’s new.
Son: Is this a gritty reboot like Riverdale?
Avoiding getting hurt, Charmers dodges bullets as cereal boxes explode into sugary shrapnel.
Charmers: This wasn’t in the script!
Director (off-screen): Keep smiling! It’s edgy!
Father: Son, remember what we rehearsed!
Son: Uh— “Part of this complete breakfast!”
Father: Louder!
Son: PART OF THIS COMPLETE BREAKFAST!!
(More gunfire. Charmers slithers out a window.)
Slithering into a dark cave. Charmes breathes heavily.
Charmers: This is worse than the City Slickers stampede!
Shadowy figures step into the moonlight. Franken Berry and a ring of more cereal mascots appear.
Franken Berry: Well, well, well…
Mascots (in unison): Someone isn’t getting their daily dose of iron!
Charmers: Franken Berry… this isn’t you. Remember Saturday morning cartoons? The crossovers? The limited-edition spoons?
Franken Berry: The cereal empire demands loyalty. You tried to collect all five golden UPC codes.
Charmers: They’re just barcodes!
Franken Berry: They’re power.
He gestures.
Franken Berry: Soggies… make him part of a balanced breakfast.
The SOGGIES—moldy, waterlogged henchmen—emerge.
Charmers: Wait! We can talk about this like mascots!
Franken Berry: Beat him.
The Soggies descend. Cartoonish but brutal thuds echo through the cave. A box of cereal spills, flakes drifting like snow.
Franken Berry: Clean this up. We have a commercial to finish.
Looking around, Franken Berry sees some UPC Codes that Charmers had on him.
Franken Berry: I may have some use for these!
Scene 4:
Fitz: (adjusting tie) Alright, fellow Lovely Corp employees formerly known as the Legion of DOOOOOOM! today we replace a dead snake. And I'm not talking Anaconda!
Brett DeMarco: I loved that movie. Anyone seen the part where Ice T was stuck inside the large snake that was obviously a puppet!!
Frank: Focus, Brett. We’re here to audition for Charmers’ job. Dead snake, golden UPC codes, whole Willy Wonka-meets-Breaking Bad situation.
Pedro: I brought my own cereal bowl. It doubles as a toilet.
Jerry: (snorting cereal dust) Is… is there more? I need more flakes. The marshmallows talk to me.
Puffy: (smoking aggressively) This is my role. I was born to hawk sugar to to the public. I’ve got range. I’m basically the Daniel Day-Lewis of lung cancer.
Fitz: You’re more like the Jared Leto of emphysema.
A PANEL OF JUDGES sits beneath a banner: “REPLACE CHARMERS – THE FUTURE OF BREAKFAST.”
Judge #1: Next!
Puffy: (dramatic) “They’re magically addictive!”
Judge #2: That’s just Lucky Charms with a felony.
Suddenly Jerry bursts in, jittery.
Jerry: CEREAL IS LIFE! POUR IT INTO MY VEINS!
Judge #3: My God… he’s method acting.
Judge #1: You’re hired!
Puffy: WHAT?! I won that fair and square!
Fitz: Life’s not fair, Puffy. Ask anyone in Game of Thrones. Especially the Stark children.
Scene 5:
Hours later, after Kevin dropped off Sarah at Karen's. Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Bullet came back from the store and bought baby supplies.
Bullet: These Pampers can fit you, Dusty!
Dusty: That offended me!
Gina: Oh look! Randall's already bonding with the baby.
Randall (to Starcher): Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie!
Kevin: Little Starcher likes my Dad already! What do you know!
Randall: All right! One of you guys take over looking after the baby!
Kevin: I will! (carries Starcher)
Randall: You better! If anything happens to little Starcher in your care, you'll all end up like 8 Heads In A Duffel Bag!
Gina: I better lock the evidence room.
Bullet: Shit! No fair!
Randall: Being a parent means making sacrifices! Trust me I know!
Bullet (panics): How I am going to survive this without my drugs!
Gina: You're not supposed to be around drugs when we're looking after a baby!
Randall sees Dusty going after the baby food.
Dusty: Oh boy! Baby food! Bet this taste just like adult food!
Randall (swipes the baby food away): This is for Starcher not for you!
Dusty: I knew that. I was taste testing it!
Randall: Bullshit! You wanted it for yourself. Stick to your regular food.
Dusty: But...but....I
Randall: Want to help us with this baby, or would you rather be cleaning the holding cell with a toothbrush?
Dusty: I can see that's still in effect. (walks off)
Gina (fixing up a crib): Look at me! I'm Patricia Richardson from Home Improvement!
Kevin sits Starcher down on the table and goes to get a guitar. Kevin was about to play.
Bullet: What the fuck do you think you're doing? Auditioning for the Tenacious D The Pick Of Destiny sequel
Kevin: I'm going to play him a song.
Gina: Yeah let him. Kevin's played before. Remember when he dressed up like a dog for those grade school students?
Bullet: Okay sorry. I'm a little bit snappy since I've been been banned from drugs for a while!
Kevin (plays guitar sloppy): We sure are cute for two ugly people. Don't see what anyone can. see in anyone else but you. We both have shiny happy fits of rage...
Randall: What the hell do you think this is, Lollapalooza?
Kevin: I'm keeping the baby entertained like you told us to! What better way than this music!
Randall: You're supposed to sing him lullibies not shitty music from a movie that glorifies teenage pregnancy!
Getting a cello Dusty decides to play a song for baby Starcher.
Dusty: Leave this to me, Chief! I know tons of lullibies! You ain't heard nothing yet!
Not knowing the cello was cardboard. Dusty was confused as to why the cello wasn't playing.
Dusty: Cheese and taters! I ain't heard nothing yet, either!
Randall: That's because it's cardboard! We confiscated that from Robbie and Delbert last week!
Taking the guitar and fake cello, Randall puts them back in the evidenece room. Gina gets done fixing the crib.
Gina: Okay! Crib's done! Now little junior has a place to sleep.
Scene 6:
ust then a middle aged couple runs into the Paradise PD Headquarters. They look like they've been living in a cardboard box. They are Sarah's parents. Greg and Rita Rochester. When Randall was on his way to the evidence room he, by mistake hits Greg with the fake cello.
Randall: Oh, terribly sorry sir and ma'am! These bullies over their were trying to attack me with poison gas! Yeah that's it!
Soon, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley see the couple.
Stanley: Who are you people! You look like those backwater folks from the movie The Giant Gila Monster!
Greg: I'm Greg Rochester!
Rita: and I'm Rita Rochester!
Kevin: Rochester? Why does that name sound so familiar?
Bullet: What do you guys want?
Greg: You wouldn't have happened to see our daughter around here now would you?
Kevin: Ooooh that's who you mean.
Randall (bumps Kevin in the stomach): SHUT UP!
Dusty: Nope! Sorry we don't know anybody by that name!
Greg (looks at Starcher): Is that our grandson our cunt daughter tried to keep away from us!
Rita: Ooooh! That bitch! She's the problem, not us!
Bullet: Sir! Ma'am! This is a Wendys!
Greg and Rita gave a blank glare to everyone.
Bullet: Fuck! Memes don't work in real life like they do on the internet!
Rita: We know that's our Grandson!
Greg: Give him to us now!
Rita: We are also suspicious that you guys know the whereabouts of our daughter, Sarah!
Gina: Listen you twat waffles! We don't know anyone named Sarah any more than we have seen your daughter!
Kevin: Just out of curiousity. What did you daughter do that was so bad?
Greg: She ran away with a boyfriend we didn't approve of!
Rita: We were going to pick a boyfriend out for her.
Greg: You better be careful of her. She's insane! Headstrong! Violent!
Dusty: Let me guess, no use of the mind God gave her?
Rita: Since she ran off and got married, we tried everything in our power to get her back home with us.
Greg: She's extremely unstable. When we get her back home, we're taking custody of her baby and we're going to send her to a convent until she is normal. Who knows how long that will be.
Rita: We know you have the baby and you're hiding her away somewhere! Bring us our daughter!
Randall: WE DON'T HAVE HER AROUND!
Greg: If you guys have her and if there's something you're not telling us we'll blow up your police station with pineapples and TNT!
Kevin (walking up to Greg): Millions of defense! But not one sense of tribute!
Rita: What drugs is this guy on?
Gina: You guys are one to talk! You both look like you walked out of a Foghat concert circa 1975!
Bullet: Touche, Gina!
Randall: You must be mistaken! This baby is actually a doll we confiscated from a crack addict! It's not a real baby at all!
Dusty: So you see! We are not harboring any babies.
Greg: OKay then. If you won't help us. We'll just go help ourselves.
Rita: Thanks for nothing assholes!
As Greg and Rita walked out of the Paradise PD Headquarters. Greg gets a cellphone and makes a call.
Rita: Who are you calling?
Greg: Little does Sarah know we actually hired those loan sharks to kill her boyfriend.....
Rita: Yeah, I knew that. Got any bright ideas?
Greg: Sure do. We'll hire those exact same loan sharks to kill those fuckass policemen!
Rita: Let's do it! Call it Grandma's intuition but I KNOW that was our grandson and not some doll!
Greg: Hello! Guys! It's Greg again! These policemen goons have our grandson! They're right here at this address! Give them what for! We will not rest until we get our daughter and our sole custody of our grandson! Thank you! Goodbye.
After Rita and Greg called the loan sharks. The cellphone drops out of Greg's hands unknowingly.
Rita: Well played, it's no wonder why I fell in love with you! You know that idiot ginger cop knew something.
Greg: That was a dead giveaway all right!
Rita: Let's go find our daughter now!
Greg and Rita set out to find Sarah.
Scene 7:
Fitz, Brett, Pedro, Jerry, and Frank were all being lead into a business building called The Breakfast Food Club.
Franken Berry: (booming voice) Welcome, Jerry, to the Breakfast Food Club. We’re like The Avengers, but legally distinct and covered in sugar.
Jerry: (twitching) I pledge allegiance… to the flakes.
Puffy: (at party, drunk) I swear revenge! Like Inigo Montoya, but for fiber! (chugging on milk. (groggy) My head feels like it was written by Michael Bay.
Charmers slithers in, ALIVE.
Puffy: You’re dead!
Charmers: I faked it. I have four golden UPC codes. Find the last one—
Puffy: I WANT THE NEWS, NOT THE WEATHER!
Charmers: The codes unlock the key to destroying the cereal empire. General Mills holds the last one… in his tomb.
Disappering without a trace, Charmers is nowhere to be seen. That confuses Puffy.
Puffy: He’s alive! Conspiracy! Golden UPCs!
Fitz: Puffy, you’re jealous of Jerry. This isn’t The Sixth Sense. The snake is dead.
Brett: Yeah! Unless you see dead reptiles.
Frank: Which, statistically, you probably do.
Pedro: Nobody believes you, go now puto!
Puffy: Come with me!
Scene 8:
Puffy was leading Fitz and Brett inside a cave. Puffy sees the slab where Charmers was 'buried' in. Then opens it and the slab was empty.
Fitz & Brett: What do you have to say for yourself, Puffy!?
Puffy: (dramatic) Alas poor Charmers… I’ll always remember the Good Times.
MUSICAL MONTAGE – Everyone dressed like Good Times characters.
Fitz: (singing off-key) “Keepin’ your head above water—”
Brett: I don’t know the words but I’m enthusiastic!
Frank: This is legally risky!
Pedro: Dyn-o-mite, but with diarrhea!
Montage ends. A Cat knocks over trash.
Puffy: It’s just a cat. Calm down, this isn’t A Quiet Place.
A cereal mascot resembling Lucky appears.
Mascot: Where are the UPC codes?
Puffy: Up your marshmallow ass chute!
They fight. Trap triggers. Fitz bursts in.
Fitz: What is this, Fight Club? First rule: don’t punch cigarettes.
The mascot bites a cyanide cereal piece.
Mascot: They’re… magically… fatal.
He dies.
Brett: Wow. That was darker than The Dark Knight.
Fitz: Fine. We help you. But if this turns into Cats, I’m out.
Brett: Why does a cereal guy have a tomb?
Fitz: Because branding never dies.
They grab final UPC code.
Franken Berry: (watching through Froot Loops bowl) Release… THE SOGGIES.
Puffy: RRRUUUUNNN!!!
Franken Berry was shooting a gun that shot out Soggies. But the Soggies were duds who splashed onto the ground. Wanting to chase after Fitz, Brett, Frank, Jerry, Puffy, and Pedro as they all run into their car. Puffy was ordered to drive.
Fitz: You got us into this, now you're going to get us out!
Brett: DRIVE NOW!!
Puffy: (simpering) Yes sirs. (drives away in fast speeds)
Franken Berry (going into an airplane): I'm doing the Zabriskie Point method!
Scene 9:
At Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley were taking care of the baby. The baby care situation at the Paradise PD is rapidly deteriorating as the officers realize they have no idea what they are doing. Between Randall's "tough love" parenting and Dusty's general confusion, Starcher is in for a long afternoon.
Kevin is frantically flipping through a manual called Parenting for Dummies, while Gina tries to use a police baton to stir a pot of powdered formula.
Gina: Why is this stuff so fucking lumpy? It looks like the plaster we use for crime scene footprints!
Kevin: It says here the baby needs a "calm and sterile environment."
Bullet: (Barking) Sterile? I haven't been sterile since that incident with the microwave and the confiscated Viagra! And as for calm—Dusty, what the hell are you doing?!
Randall watches as Dusty is holding a high-caliber service pistol upside down, trying to jam the barrel into Starcher’s mouth.
Dusty: The little guy looks thirsty! I found this sleek, black bottle in the locker. It’s a bit heavy, and the nipple is made of cold steel, but I figured he’s a tough kid!
Randall: (Sprinting over) Dusty, you absolute dumb fuck!! That’s a Glock, not a Gerber! You’re going to give the kid lead poisoning before he even hits his first growth spurt!
Dusty: Oh! I wondered why it had a trigger instead of a straw.
Stanley: (Peering over) This is like that scene Whatever Happened To Baby Jane!
Suddenly, the front doors of the station are kicked open. Two men in tracksuits and gold chains swagger in. One is a hulking brute named Vinnie, and the other is Marco, who is currently stretching his hamstrings in a deep lunge.
Vinnie: Alright, copper! We heard you’re holding some "merchandise" that belongs to the Rochesters. Hand over the kid and the girl, or things get messy.
Randall: You’ve got a lot of nerve coming into my precinct! I’ve got a badge, a mustache, and a very irritable bowel!
Marco: (Smirking) I don't care about your badge. I’ve been training at the "Octagon of Agony" for six months.
Before Randall can reach for his belt, Marco lunges forward with a flying knee. He catches Randall right in the solar plexus, sending the Captain gasping into his swivel chair.
Dusty: Hey! Leave the Chief alone! I’ve got... I’ve got...
Trying to put up his dukes, Dusty lunghes at Marco. but Marco performs a lightning-fast Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu transition. He sweeps Dusty’s legs, mounts him on the linoleum floor, and locks him in a tight triangle choke.
Dusty: (Muffled) Is this... is this a hug? I feel very sleepy... and my neck is making a sound like a bag of sun-dried tomatoes...
Bullet: (Watching from the side) Damn, that’s a clean transition. I’d help, but I’m currently coming down from a powdered sugar high and I can’t feel my paws.
Kevin: (Holding the baby) Stop! You’re hurting them! And you’re waking up Starcher!
Vinnie: (Drawing a weapon) Give us the kid, kid. Or the ginger gets it.
Gina walks into the conference room Vinnie and Marco look at her with fury.
Vinnie: A broad, hey?
Marco: This'll be fun!
Gina: You're about to go for a ride with Mama, bitches! .
Vinnie and Marco soon find themselves getting beaten by Gina, as she does a flip and punches them both with brass knuckles, knocking them both to the floor. Kevin covers Starcher's eyes.
Gina: Who sent you!!!!
Marco: That's strictly confidential!
Vinnie: I plead the fifth!
Gina (getting out her police stick): OKay then, I'll rape a confession out of you!
Marco and Vinnie beg while talking over each other. Gina sticks her police stick into their anuses.
Gina: Are you going to talk!!!!
Bullet (laughs): Gina would make a cool Bond villain!
Marco: OKay okay! You win! Greg and Rita sent us!
Vinnie: The girl's parents, okay?
Randall: Good work Gina!
Dusty: No kidding! Rape confession gag is a classic!
Vinnie: Please don't ask us where her parents are, because we don't know.
Bullet: Did you guys have anything to do with her boyfirend's death?
Marco: He gambled with us a lot, then we found out he forgot to pay us back for a loan he took out for baby supplies.
Kevin finds a cellphone outside used earlier by Greg and Rita.
Bullet: Where did you find that cellphone, Kevin.
Kevin: Outside the police station. (looks though the cellphone) it does indeed belong to Greg Rochester.
Playing the call on the cellphone, Kevin pushes a button and it was Greg's voice: Hello! Guys! It's Greg again! These policemen goons have our grandson! They're right here at this address! Give them what for! We will not rest until we get our daughter and our sole custody of our grandson! Thank you! Goodbye.
Vinnie: All we know is that they are determined to find their daughter.
Marco: They also sent us to kill her boyfriend. We buried him somewhere. Can't remember.
Randall: Okay, throw them in a cell.
Bullet does so, and Kevin was able to track down Greg and Rita's whereabouts.
Kevin: Oh shit! They're at Mom's house!
Randall: Come on! We're going to Karen's house. Those shitbag parents are there!
Stanley: Why did you have to sat shitbag, my bowels released for no reason.
Kevin (holds Starcher): So did Starcher.
Randall: OKay, Kevin. You stay here with the baby. And clean up both Stanley's and the baby's shit.
Kevin: All right. Short end of the stick as always.
Dusty: Hey! someone has to stay here and take care of the baby.
Gina: Good luck, Kevin! For your sake.
Kevin watches as he's being left behind with Starcher and Stanley's mess, while Randall, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley drive to Karen's house.
Scene 10:
At Karen's house. Greg and Rita were waiting outside to break in. Sarah was inside with Karen.
Karen: Oh you poor dear. You know I almost became a single mom. When I was pregnant with my son Kevin, Randall almost left me.
Sarah: Thank you for letting me stay with you.
Karen: I'm always willing to help young single mothers like you. Where were you and your boyfriend living?
Sarah: After we got married we ran away from my parents then went in some house that used to belong to someone who died. Think his name was Thester Carbomb.
An avalanche like sound was coming from the chimney.
Karen: What was that?!?!?
Out of the chimney came Greg and Rita. Karen and Sarah both screamed.
Karen: My ex-husband is the police chief. You guys have no right breaking into people's homes and....
Greg: FUCK YOU! (shoots up the ceiling with a gun)
Sarah: Mom! Dad! How did you find me???
Rita: We spotted your hair in the window. You automatically knew it was you!
Greg: You always were in easy target! (laughs)
Karen: What do you want?!?!?
Greg: We want our daughter back, that's what!
Sarah: No! I'm not going back with you, never!
Rita: You have no choice! Your boyfriend is dead. You have no place else to turn!
Greg: If you come back with us you are going to let us have your baby. We will raise it too!
Sarah: I never want my baby to know pieces of scum you are!
Rita: All right! That's it! You never did anything we told you to do. Look where that's got you!
Greg: You'd think you'd be a single mom with a dead boyfriend if you had listened to us! Or even had a baby so young! You and your worthless shit boyfriend ran away and lived in an abandoned house when you could've lived with us!
Sarah: Hey, I graduated from high school 3 years ago! I'm 22! I'm an adult!
Rita: That don't cut it! If you don't come back with us right now. And let us raise your baby, we'll send you to a Magadalene Laundry place!
Karen: Jokes on you, I signed a law to ban those places.....
Greg (hits Karen): WHO ASKED YOU!!!!
Sarah: You think I don't know what you guys did you for living? You guys were always out kidnapping people to force them to star in your cheap ass porno movies! You also used to steal alcohol, mix it all together and pass it off as your own. Leaving me all alone to fend for myself....
Randall, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley breaks into Karen's house.
Karen: Randall! These assholes hit me! Waste them!
Randall: FREEZE! PARADISE PD!
Sarah: These guys were watching my baby for me.
Dusty: You're under arrest!
Randall: Throw your guns over to the side!
Gina (takes out handcuffs): Hope you like bondage, motherfuckers!
As Gina handcuffed Greg and Rita. Randall was leading them to the squad car as they protested.
Stanley: You guys are going to be on a Perry Mason episode!
Scene 11:
Driving in fast speeds. With Franken Berry above chasing them in the air. Puffy is reckless behind the wheel!
Puffy: (driving recklessly) This is like Fast & Furious, but none of us are family!
Fitz: Turn left!
Brett: That’s a cemetery wall!
Crashing. They escape.
Puffy: (mailing envelope) Six to eight weeks for processing. Bureaucracy is the true villain.
Fitz: Now you're getting smart!
Brett, Fitz, Puffy, Frank, Pedro, and Jerry all see a work camp that had kids there.
Frank: He’s enslaving children for cereal?!
Fitz: That’s darker than a Zack Snyder cut.
Franken Berry: Welcome to my mine! I’m basically Scar with better branding!
Pedro: Oh no! Jerry! He's being brainwashed!
Jerry: (glazed eyes) Must… mine… marshmallows…
Brett: Jerry, snap out of it! Think of… protein!
Jerry: (blinks) Dad? This is wrong!
Fitz: Good. Now punch capitalism!
Fight scene ensues with the song Stay By Oingo Boingo playing.
Franken Berry: Puffy! I’ll give you your own cereal!
Puffy: I’m far too vindictive!
Saving the day Puffy detonates the cereal lair. Explosion in the air.
Scene 12:
In the aftermath. Fitz, Brett, Jerry, Frank, Puffy and Pedro don't know whether they're going to save consequences or a reward.
African Child: Wait… we were making three cents an hour. Now our families starve.
Frank: Did we do a good thing or a bad thing?
Pedro: Maybe both.....
Fitz: Well. That’s morally complicated.
Brett: Like The Good Place, but worse.
Jerry: Thank you for saving me.
Puffy: Next, the breakfast burrito people!
Trying to be a hero, Puffy uses a grappling hook on the plane.
Fitz: That seems—
Plane falls. Crashed onto Puffy
Frank: Is he—
Pedro: Pancaked.
Fitz: (laughing) Roll credits like it’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Brett: Does this mean I get the cereal now? Yeah right like I even wanted it!
Fitz: No, Brett. Nobody wins. Except us.
All laugh as freeze frame hits like an 80s sitcom.
Scene 13:
In the interrogation room. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina were interrogating Greg and Rita.
Randall: We got those loan sharks you hired in our custody.
Gina: They told us everything!
Kevin (calling out) Keep it down in there. You're going to wake up Starcher!
Dusty: Is it true you hired Vinnie and Marco to kill Sarah's boyfriend?
Bullet: Might as well tell the truth!
Greg: Yes we did.
Rita: We did it because we love our daughter very much....
Randall: Your interaction with her at Karen's house told us a different story.
Dusty: Yesterday we even searched your house. Full of mixed alcohol and cheap porn. Sarah's story checks out.
Gerg: That was the only way we were able to make money! (sobs)
Rita: We want to be good now! That's why we want Sarah back and help her raise the baby!
Gina: You'll get Sarah and your baby back! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER! I hope you twat waffles get 50 years!
Randall: Gina's right! You're both just making up excuses and then you'll go back to the way you both used to be! To prevent that from happening, you're both going to prison for a long time!
Bullet: You'll get out when Starcher is a grandfather! Wouldn't that be ironic!
As the interogation was about to go further. A man covered with dirt from head to toe breaks in.
Dusty (screams): It's James Arness from The Thing From Another World!
Dirt Man: Look, please excuse my appearence. Loan sharks tried to bury me alive....tried to kill me with a gun....
Bullet: Hey, what a minute, that must mean you're....
The man covered in dirt was Sarah's boyfriend. He name is Sean.
Sean: My name is Sean! Has anyone seen Sarah?!
Gina: Wow! This is all the evidence we need!
Randall: Kevin! Take these fuckers to the holding cell. Give me the baby while you do so.
Rita (cries): Our lives are ruined! What are they going to to do us?
Greg (cries): Fuck Sarah! This is all her fault!
Kevin comes in and gives Stracher to Randall.
Randall: You bonded with him enough.
Kevin: Yeah, well he likes me better than you!
Randall: Just take the prisoners to the holding cell.
Starcher looks at Kevin as if they shared a special bond. He also feels content with Randall as well. As Kevin was about to escort Greg and Rita to a holding cell next to Vinnie and Marco. Bullet runs in to say a final word.
Bullet: You know since the boyfriend isn't really dead. If he testifies against you, Your daughter and her boyfriend will live happily ever after and forget you fuckasses ever existed!
Greg gets enraged and lets out a huge holler, then he bumps his whole body on the glass window in the interrogation room. Starcher begins to cry.
Randall: Holy fuck! Did a MOAB go off?!?!
Bullet (laughs): I guess Big Papa didn't know his own strength!
Dusty (to the screen): And now here's something you'll really like!
Scene 14 Conclusion:
In court the next day. It was a bench trial. Since no lawyers were around to take the case. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley all had to stand in. Vinnie and Marco were in the background. Sitting in silence. As were Sean, Sarah, Starcher, Greg and Rita. Testimony was under way. Randall was talking to Sean who was on the stand. Bullet was cross examining. Dusty, Gina, and Stanley were acting as baliffs.
Randall: Now Sean in your own words, why didn't you get a job and instead of having to join some loan sharks?
Sean: You see my uncle in Montana offered me a job at his business. Sadly we didn't have any money to get there. See? It's Because we were desperate for money to provide for our baby. Then I ran into Vinnie and Marco over there.
Randall: Did you and Sarah have your own place?
Sean: We were living in some dead guys house that hadn't been lived in so we took it. Anything to have our own place and money of our own.
Bullet: Why did Sarah's parents hate you so much?
Sean: Well, I had no idea that Vinnie and Marco were working for Greg and Rita. Vinnie had to initiate me.
Randall: Initiate? How so?
Sean: Well, for starters. Marco had me give him a blow job then I had to give a toss salad to Vinnie.
Bullet: Were you in the gang then?
Sean: Yes, that was until Greg, Sarah's father came in and caught me in the act.
Greg: SEE! THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE YOUR HONOR! THAT IS THE REASON WHY HE IS ALL WRONG FOR SARAH!
Rita: Sarah could do better than that piece of shit!
Judge Judge Judge: Objection! Sit down! One more outburst like that and we'll have a gag order on you two! Please continue Chief Crawford and Bullet.
Bullet: OKay in your own words, what happened next?
Sean: Well, Greg told me he sent them after both me and Sarah. He thought me doing that to get in good with the loan sharks....(simpers) Was a sign of me being gay. I am not gay in the least......
Randall: Did Greg do anything to you after he saw the sexual acts you were forced to perform?
Sean (cries): Yes, he did. Greg put a condom on a banana. Then he forced the condomed banana into my mouth and he kept screaming, "ARE YOU STRAIGHT YET! ARE YOU STRAIGHT YET? ARE YOU STRAIGHT! NOT SO MUCH FUN IS IT!"
Dusty, Gina, Stanley, Randall, and Bullet all snickered under their breaths. Kevin was holding Starcher.
Sean: He also showed me a scene from that movie As Good As It Gets where Greg Kinnear who played a gay guy in the movie got beat up. Then Greg said that was going to happen to me......(cries)
Judge Judge Judge (going over the evidence): Says right here you Greg and Rita Rochester kidnapped people and forced them into doing porn and stole alcohol. Mixing it together and passing it off as your own. All the while you were doing that, you kept your child! Sarah! The one you supposedly love SO MUCH all alone.
Rita: That's right your honor! We did! It was the only way we can make money! Boy howdy! We made tons!
Greg: We'd do it again too! I enjoyed what I did to Sean!
Sarah was crying in the background. Kevin assured her. A hour later, the judge reaches his decision.
Dusty: What's the verdict your honor?
Judge Judge Judge: This court finds in favor of Sean and Sarah. As for you 2 Greg and Rita Rochester! You're both going to be sentenced to 60 years in prison! Along with your loan sharks who will go to prison 30 years for conspiracy, and attemptive murder. In the meantime we'll track down Sean's uncle. Case dismissed! (bangs gavel)
Kevin (to Sean and Sarah): Congratulations! You guys won!
Sarah: Thank you so much, Paradise PD! You are forever in my debt!
Vinnie and Marco were being lead away by Stanley. Sean runs over to Greg as he and Rita were being escorted to serve their prison sentences by Dusty and Gina. Sean lets out a roaring scream and viciously attacks Greg. Sarah with Starcher in her arms cheers him on.
Gina: Wow! Wish I could have his baby!
Dusty: Are you going to stop this, Judge?
Judge Judge Judge: Not at all! I love chaos! I'll allow it! This is what I call hard justice served cold!
Randall: Geez Kevin! Why can't you be more like him!
Bullet: I'll recruit him for cock fighting!
Randall and Kevin both sigh as they were watching Sean and Sarah depart with Starcher.
Kevin: You're going to miss him, aren't you Dad?
Randall: As much as I hate to admit it. Yes.
Epilogue:
2 weeks later. At Karen's house where Sean and Sarah were staying. Randall, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet were there too.
Karen: Good news. My ex husband and the cops tracked down your uncle.
A car pulls up.
Kevin: Oh look! Here he is!
A man walks out of the car. It was Sean's uncle. Who was rich. His name is Kyle Manchester.
Kyle: Hello, dear nephew. I see you and your girlfriend and your baby is here with you.
Sean: Sure is, uncle Kyle.
Kyle: Guess what? I own a huge real estate business and you get to have a job in my company! No training needed.
Kevin: Wow! So lucky you guys are! A rich uncle!
Kyle: That way you and your girlfriend and son will live a nice life in Montana
Randall: Alright… listen up. I hate emotional crap, so I’m gonna keep this short. Sean, Sarah… you two actually pulled it off. You survived a whole adventure and somehow didn’t completely screw everything up.
Kevin: Yeah! And trust me, I know screwing things up.
Gina: You’re basically a PhD in it.
Ignoring Gina, Kevin turns to Sean and Sarah.
Kevin: Seriously though, you guys did awesome. Like… almost as awesome as me. But still pretty awesome.
Dusty: (sniffling) I’m just real proud of y’all. Watching you two go through all that… it was beautiful. Reminded me of the time my cousin tried to wrestle a raccoon for fifty bucks.
Everyone slowly looks at Dusty.
Dusty: He lost.
Karen: (smiling at Sarah) You two take care of yourselves out there, okay? And try not to miss this place too much. Paradise has… limited appeal.
Gina: Yeah, “limited” is generous.
Sarah (laughs): think we'll survive!
Sean: With my uncle on my side! And hey… thanks for everything. Even if most of it was chaotic and dangerous.
Randall: that’s the Paradise PD way.
Sarah and Sean give Stracher to Kevin who lifts him into the air.
Kevin: And don’t forget little Starcher here! He’s gonna miss you guys too, right buddy?
The baby giggles.
Randall: Hold up. He’s laughing because he likes me more.
Kevin (scoffs): Please. I was clearly his favorite.
Randall: I literally fed him when he was staying with us!
Kevin: He helped me clean Stanley's mess! .
Randall: Because you scared him with your face and his shit!
Kevin: My face is comforting!
Baby Starcher reaches out and grabs Randall’s finger.
Randall: (pointing triumphantly)HA! See that?! He chose me!
Kevin (with outrage): That doesn’t count! Babies grab everything! With me, he grabbed a stapler!
Gina: Honestly that stapler probably had a better personality than both of you.
Everyone laughs. Sean and Sarah look around at the chaotic group one last time before departing with Kyle Manchester.
Sarah: We’re gonna miss you guys.
Sean: Even this arguing just now. Thanks to you we have our own place, a safety net. My uncle and a job!
Randall: Alright, that’s enough feelings for one day. Get outta here before I start caring.
Sean and Sarah go into the car with Kyle and Starcher in now. The group waves.
Behind them—
Kevin: I’m telling you, he liked me better!
Randall: No way! He literally drooled on you!
Kevin: That’s respect drool!
Randall: That’s not a thing!
Bullet: You both can star in a remake movie of Three Men And A Baby. Instead it can be called Two Asshole Cops and A Baby!
The arguing continues as Sean and Sarah disappear down the road. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, Stanley, all walked back to Paradise PD Headquarters ignoring Kevin and Randall's verbal spat.
THE END
fanfic title:
Coppy Day Care
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
t was a hot, sunny day in the town of Paradise. Randall had Kevin, Bullet, Stanley, and Gina clean up the obstacle training course. Randall was tidying his desk. Dusty on the other hand, not carrying any of the load was laughing at something he was watching on his iPAD.
Kevin: Oh shit! I missed a spot! Boy am I a sap!
Bullet: I don't mind doing this. I get the job done faster than you lazy asses!
Gina: Let me guess, cocaine, right?
Bullet: Exactly!
Stanley: I was once a cleaning maid for James Cagney. I'm a natural at it!
Kevin: It shows!
Bullet: All right. That just about wraps it up.
Gina: I'm done here. Just let it dry in the sun.
In the conference room. Randall was done tidying his desk. Then got annoyed by Dusty's laughing. Randall walks over the Dusty.
Randall: Hey! Why are you stalling around for! (takes his iPAD)
Dusty: Hey! Give that back! I'm not done with it yet!
Randall: Why aren't you out there cleaning the obstacle training course?
Dusty: I was going to get around to it. Then I got too caught up in watching my favorite MST3K episode. The Day the Earth Froze.
Bullet, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley all walk into the conference room.
Kevin: The deed is done Dad!
Randall: Good Good! Took you long enough!
Bullet: Hey, Dusty did you just mention that stupid movie from Sweden that wouldn't shut the fuck up about Sampo?
Dusty: Yeah, that's the one. Was going to watch my favorite part where the Witch steals the sun.....but some Police Captain would not let me.....(eyes Randall)
Randall: Immature attitude! Immature performance!
Kevin (under this breath): He used to say that to me when I first starting out.
Randall (to Dusty): Instead of going home tonight, you're going to stay over and clean the holding cell with a toothbrush!
Dusty: Oh no! (Cries) Not that! Anything but that!
Randall: You should've thought about that before you slacked off!
Scene 2:
A young woman runs into the Paradise PD conference room. She had a baby who was her son with her in a stroller. She knocks on the door. Randall, Bullet, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all come to greet her. The woman was named Sarah.
Sarah: Hello, my name is Sarah Rochester. Which one of you guys is in charge of the police station.
Kevin, Dusty, and Randall (in unison and bowing their heads): I AM.. (bumping their heads together)
Randall: Spread out, fuckasses! So anyway. Please excuse that. What can I do you for?
Sarah: Loan sharks killed my boyfriend. Now I'm so alone! And I am in desparate trouble. Now the loan sharks are after me and my baby (crying)
Kevin: My god that's terrible. Do you know where these loan sharks are?
Sarah: No I don't. They were chasing me. I was able to get away from them. My biggest fear is that they'll get after me and my baby and find a way to get away with it.
Bullet: Do you know their names? Maybe I know them?
Sarah: Again, no. The killed my boyfriend because he owned them money and he used that money to feed our baby. (sobs) I need a place to hide.
Gina: Can't you go back to your parents?
Sarah: NEVER! NEVER! Anything but that! My parents were abusive. Dispproved of me getting married so young and having a baby.
Stanley: I know a place you can hide. How about U Store It Some where I live!
Randall: Shut up, Stanley! Anyway you can stay with my ex wife Karen. She always wants to help out 'poor single mothers'.
Giving Sarah the address to Karen's house. Sarah accepts the offer.
Sarah: Thank you so much. While I'm in hiding you all have to look after my baby. Until this whole thing clears over.
Gina: No worries or pressure. We'll watch that baby of yours like he's our own!
Dusty (playing and cooing with the baby): What's this little dude's name?
Sarah: Starcher. All our names began with S.
Kevin offers to take Sarah over to Karen's house.
Sarah: Thank you guys so much!
Kevin: We're cops. That's what we're here for, right?
Randall: Come right back, Kevin! We're going to need your help with this baby too!
Kevin: Yes sir Dad!
Randall: OKay, I'll look after Starcher here and the rest of you get some baby supplies.
Bullet, Stanley, Dusty and Gina all went to get baby supplies. Randall looks at Starcher.
Randall: Well, kid. Looks like you'll be staying with us for a while. I hope you don't grow up to be like my dumbass son, Kevin. Wait'll see him! You'll hate him in the New York minute!
Scene 3:
Upbeat 90s jingle. The kitchen is blindingly bright. A father and son sit at a table with a massive bowl of cereal.
Father: Wow, son! Nothing starts the day like a balanced breakfast!
Son: Golly, Dad! It’s part of this complete breakfast!
Father: It’s fortified with twelve essential vitamins and minerals!
Son: Including iron! Because strong bones make strong choices!
They both freeze-smile at the camera like animatronics in Five Nights at Freddy’s.
Father & Son (together): They’re magically nutritious!
Sparkles explode. CHARMERS, a cartoon snake mascot, slithers into frame.
Charmers: That’s right, folks! Collect five golden UPC codes and you could unlock a prize beyond your wildest dreams!
Father: Wow, Charmers! Is it a bike?
Son: Or a drone? Or emotional stability?
Charmers: It’s better than that! It’s—
Gunshots ring out. The music screeches to a halt.
Father: Uh… that’s new.
Son: Is this a gritty reboot like Riverdale?
Avoiding getting hurt, Charmers dodges bullets as cereal boxes explode into sugary shrapnel.
Charmers: This wasn’t in the script!
Director (off-screen): Keep smiling! It’s edgy!
Father: Son, remember what we rehearsed!
Son: Uh— “Part of this complete breakfast!”
Father: Louder!
Son: PART OF THIS COMPLETE BREAKFAST!!
(More gunfire. Charmers slithers out a window.)
Slithering into a dark cave. Charmes breathes heavily.
Charmers: This is worse than the City Slickers stampede!
Shadowy figures step into the moonlight. Franken Berry and a ring of more cereal mascots appear.
Franken Berry: Well, well, well…
Mascots (in unison): Someone isn’t getting their daily dose of iron!
Charmers: Franken Berry… this isn’t you. Remember Saturday morning cartoons? The crossovers? The limited-edition spoons?
Franken Berry: The cereal empire demands loyalty. You tried to collect all five golden UPC codes.
Charmers: They’re just barcodes!
Franken Berry: They’re power.
He gestures.
Franken Berry: Soggies… make him part of a balanced breakfast.
The SOGGIES—moldy, waterlogged henchmen—emerge.
Charmers: Wait! We can talk about this like mascots!
Franken Berry: Beat him.
The Soggies descend. Cartoonish but brutal thuds echo through the cave. A box of cereal spills, flakes drifting like snow.
Franken Berry: Clean this up. We have a commercial to finish.
Looking around, Franken Berry sees some UPC Codes that Charmers had on him.
Franken Berry: I may have some use for these!
Scene 4:
Fitz: (adjusting tie) Alright, fellow Lovely Corp employees formerly known as the Legion of DOOOOOOM! today we replace a dead snake. And I'm not talking Anaconda!
Brett DeMarco: I loved that movie. Anyone seen the part where Ice T was stuck inside the large snake that was obviously a puppet!!
Frank: Focus, Brett. We’re here to audition for Charmers’ job. Dead snake, golden UPC codes, whole Willy Wonka-meets-Breaking Bad situation.
Pedro: I brought my own cereal bowl. It doubles as a toilet.
Jerry: (snorting cereal dust) Is… is there more? I need more flakes. The marshmallows talk to me.
Puffy: (smoking aggressively) This is my role. I was born to hawk sugar to to the public. I’ve got range. I’m basically the Daniel Day-Lewis of lung cancer.
Fitz: You’re more like the Jared Leto of emphysema.
A PANEL OF JUDGES sits beneath a banner: “REPLACE CHARMERS – THE FUTURE OF BREAKFAST.”
Judge #1: Next!
Puffy: (dramatic) “They’re magically addictive!”
Judge #2: That’s just Lucky Charms with a felony.
Suddenly Jerry bursts in, jittery.
Jerry: CEREAL IS LIFE! POUR IT INTO MY VEINS!
Judge #3: My God… he’s method acting.
Judge #1: You’re hired!
Puffy: WHAT?! I won that fair and square!
Fitz: Life’s not fair, Puffy. Ask anyone in Game of Thrones. Especially the Stark children.
Scene 5:
Hours later, after Kevin dropped off Sarah at Karen's. Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Bullet came back from the store and bought baby supplies.
Bullet: These Pampers can fit you, Dusty!
Dusty: That offended me!
Gina: Oh look! Randall's already bonding with the baby.
Randall (to Starcher): Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie! Wookie Cookie!
Kevin: Little Starcher likes my Dad already! What do you know!
Randall: All right! One of you guys take over looking after the baby!
Kevin: I will! (carries Starcher)
Randall: You better! If anything happens to little Starcher in your care, you'll all end up like 8 Heads In A Duffel Bag!
Gina: I better lock the evidence room.
Bullet: Shit! No fair!
Randall: Being a parent means making sacrifices! Trust me I know!
Bullet (panics): How I am going to survive this without my drugs!
Gina: You're not supposed to be around drugs when we're looking after a baby!
Randall sees Dusty going after the baby food.
Dusty: Oh boy! Baby food! Bet this taste just like adult food!
Randall (swipes the baby food away): This is for Starcher not for you!
Dusty: I knew that. I was taste testing it!
Randall: Bullshit! You wanted it for yourself. Stick to your regular food.
Dusty: But...but....I
Randall: Want to help us with this baby, or would you rather be cleaning the holding cell with a toothbrush?
Dusty: I can see that's still in effect. (walks off)
Gina (fixing up a crib): Look at me! I'm Patricia Richardson from Home Improvement!
Kevin sits Starcher down on the table and goes to get a guitar. Kevin was about to play.
Bullet: What the fuck do you think you're doing? Auditioning for the Tenacious D The Pick Of Destiny sequel
Kevin: I'm going to play him a song.
Gina: Yeah let him. Kevin's played before. Remember when he dressed up like a dog for those grade school students?
Bullet: Okay sorry. I'm a little bit snappy since I've been been banned from drugs for a while!
Kevin (plays guitar sloppy): We sure are cute for two ugly people. Don't see what anyone can. see in anyone else but you. We both have shiny happy fits of rage...
Randall: What the hell do you think this is, Lollapalooza?
Kevin: I'm keeping the baby entertained like you told us to! What better way than this music!
Randall: You're supposed to sing him lullibies not shitty music from a movie that glorifies teenage pregnancy!
Getting a cello Dusty decides to play a song for baby Starcher.
Dusty: Leave this to me, Chief! I know tons of lullibies! You ain't heard nothing yet!
Not knowing the cello was cardboard. Dusty was confused as to why the cello wasn't playing.
Dusty: Cheese and taters! I ain't heard nothing yet, either!
Randall: That's because it's cardboard! We confiscated that from Robbie and Delbert last week!
Taking the guitar and fake cello, Randall puts them back in the evidenece room. Gina gets done fixing the crib.
Gina: Okay! Crib's done! Now little junior has a place to sleep.
Scene 6:
ust then a middle aged couple runs into the Paradise PD Headquarters. They look like they've been living in a cardboard box. They are Sarah's parents. Greg and Rita Rochester. When Randall was on his way to the evidence room he, by mistake hits Greg with the fake cello.
Randall: Oh, terribly sorry sir and ma'am! These bullies over their were trying to attack me with poison gas! Yeah that's it!
Soon, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley see the couple.
Stanley: Who are you people! You look like those backwater folks from the movie The Giant Gila Monster!
Greg: I'm Greg Rochester!
Rita: and I'm Rita Rochester!
Kevin: Rochester? Why does that name sound so familiar?
Bullet: What do you guys want?
Greg: You wouldn't have happened to see our daughter around here now would you?
Kevin: Ooooh that's who you mean.
Randall (bumps Kevin in the stomach): SHUT UP!
Dusty: Nope! Sorry we don't know anybody by that name!
Greg (looks at Starcher): Is that our grandson our cunt daughter tried to keep away from us!
Rita: Ooooh! That bitch! She's the problem, not us!
Bullet: Sir! Ma'am! This is a Wendys!
Greg and Rita gave a blank glare to everyone.
Bullet: Fuck! Memes don't work in real life like they do on the internet!
Rita: We know that's our Grandson!
Greg: Give him to us now!
Rita: We are also suspicious that you guys know the whereabouts of our daughter, Sarah!
Gina: Listen you twat waffles! We don't know anyone named Sarah any more than we have seen your daughter!
Kevin: Just out of curiousity. What did you daughter do that was so bad?
Greg: She ran away with a boyfriend we didn't approve of!
Rita: We were going to pick a boyfriend out for her.
Greg: You better be careful of her. She's insane! Headstrong! Violent!
Dusty: Let me guess, no use of the mind God gave her?
Rita: Since she ran off and got married, we tried everything in our power to get her back home with us.
Greg: She's extremely unstable. When we get her back home, we're taking custody of her baby and we're going to send her to a convent until she is normal. Who knows how long that will be.
Rita: We know you have the baby and you're hiding her away somewhere! Bring us our daughter!
Randall: WE DON'T HAVE HER AROUND!
Greg: If you guys have her and if there's something you're not telling us we'll blow up your police station with pineapples and TNT!
Kevin (walking up to Greg): Millions of defense! But not one sense of tribute!
Rita: What drugs is this guy on?
Gina: You guys are one to talk! You both look like you walked out of a Foghat concert circa 1975!
Bullet: Touche, Gina!
Randall: You must be mistaken! This baby is actually a doll we confiscated from a crack addict! It's not a real baby at all!
Dusty: So you see! We are not harboring any babies.
Greg: OKay then. If you won't help us. We'll just go help ourselves.
Rita: Thanks for nothing assholes!
As Greg and Rita walked out of the Paradise PD Headquarters. Greg gets a cellphone and makes a call.
Rita: Who are you calling?
Greg: Little does Sarah know we actually hired those loan sharks to kill her boyfriend.....
Rita: Yeah, I knew that. Got any bright ideas?
Greg: Sure do. We'll hire those exact same loan sharks to kill those fuckass policemen!
Rita: Let's do it! Call it Grandma's intuition but I KNOW that was our grandson and not some doll!
Greg: Hello! Guys! It's Greg again! These policemen goons have our grandson! They're right here at this address! Give them what for! We will not rest until we get our daughter and our sole custody of our grandson! Thank you! Goodbye.
After Rita and Greg called the loan sharks. The cellphone drops out of Greg's hands unknowingly.
Rita: Well played, it's no wonder why I fell in love with you! You know that idiot ginger cop knew something.
Greg: That was a dead giveaway all right!
Rita: Let's go find our daughter now!
Greg and Rita set out to find Sarah.
Scene 7:
Fitz, Brett, Pedro, Jerry, and Frank were all being lead into a business building called The Breakfast Food Club.
Franken Berry: (booming voice) Welcome, Jerry, to the Breakfast Food Club. We’re like The Avengers, but legally distinct and covered in sugar.
Jerry: (twitching) I pledge allegiance… to the flakes.
Puffy: (at party, drunk) I swear revenge! Like Inigo Montoya, but for fiber! (chugging on milk. (groggy) My head feels like it was written by Michael Bay.
Charmers slithers in, ALIVE.
Puffy: You’re dead!
Charmers: I faked it. I have four golden UPC codes. Find the last one—
Puffy: I WANT THE NEWS, NOT THE WEATHER!
Charmers: The codes unlock the key to destroying the cereal empire. General Mills holds the last one… in his tomb.
Disappering without a trace, Charmers is nowhere to be seen. That confuses Puffy.
Puffy: He’s alive! Conspiracy! Golden UPCs!
Fitz: Puffy, you’re jealous of Jerry. This isn’t The Sixth Sense. The snake is dead.
Brett: Yeah! Unless you see dead reptiles.
Frank: Which, statistically, you probably do.
Pedro: Nobody believes you, go now puto!
Puffy: Come with me!
Scene 8:
Puffy was leading Fitz and Brett inside a cave. Puffy sees the slab where Charmers was 'buried' in. Then opens it and the slab was empty.
Fitz & Brett: What do you have to say for yourself, Puffy!?
Puffy: (dramatic) Alas poor Charmers… I’ll always remember the Good Times.
MUSICAL MONTAGE – Everyone dressed like Good Times characters.
Fitz: (singing off-key) “Keepin’ your head above water—”
Brett: I don’t know the words but I’m enthusiastic!
Frank: This is legally risky!
Pedro: Dyn-o-mite, but with diarrhea!
Montage ends. A Cat knocks over trash.
Puffy: It’s just a cat. Calm down, this isn’t A Quiet Place.
A cereal mascot resembling Lucky appears.
Mascot: Where are the UPC codes?
Puffy: Up your marshmallow ass chute!
They fight. Trap triggers. Fitz bursts in.
Fitz: What is this, Fight Club? First rule: don’t punch cigarettes.
The mascot bites a cyanide cereal piece.
Mascot: They’re… magically… fatal.
He dies.
Brett: Wow. That was darker than The Dark Knight.
Fitz: Fine. We help you. But if this turns into Cats, I’m out.
Brett: Why does a cereal guy have a tomb?
Fitz: Because branding never dies.
They grab final UPC code.
Franken Berry: (watching through Froot Loops bowl) Release… THE SOGGIES.
Puffy: RRRUUUUNNN!!!
Franken Berry was shooting a gun that shot out Soggies. But the Soggies were duds who splashed onto the ground. Wanting to chase after Fitz, Brett, Frank, Jerry, Puffy, and Pedro as they all run into their car. Puffy was ordered to drive.
Fitz: You got us into this, now you're going to get us out!
Brett: DRIVE NOW!!
Puffy: (simpering) Yes sirs. (drives away in fast speeds)
Franken Berry (going into an airplane): I'm doing the Zabriskie Point method!
Scene 9:
At Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley were taking care of the baby. The baby care situation at the Paradise PD is rapidly deteriorating as the officers realize they have no idea what they are doing. Between Randall's "tough love" parenting and Dusty's general confusion, Starcher is in for a long afternoon.
Kevin is frantically flipping through a manual called Parenting for Dummies, while Gina tries to use a police baton to stir a pot of powdered formula.
Gina: Why is this stuff so fucking lumpy? It looks like the plaster we use for crime scene footprints!
Kevin: It says here the baby needs a "calm and sterile environment."
Bullet: (Barking) Sterile? I haven't been sterile since that incident with the microwave and the confiscated Viagra! And as for calm—Dusty, what the hell are you doing?!
Randall watches as Dusty is holding a high-caliber service pistol upside down, trying to jam the barrel into Starcher’s mouth.
Dusty: The little guy looks thirsty! I found this sleek, black bottle in the locker. It’s a bit heavy, and the nipple is made of cold steel, but I figured he’s a tough kid!
Randall: (Sprinting over) Dusty, you absolute dumb fuck!! That’s a Glock, not a Gerber! You’re going to give the kid lead poisoning before he even hits his first growth spurt!
Dusty: Oh! I wondered why it had a trigger instead of a straw.
Stanley: (Peering over) This is like that scene Whatever Happened To Baby Jane!
Suddenly, the front doors of the station are kicked open. Two men in tracksuits and gold chains swagger in. One is a hulking brute named Vinnie, and the other is Marco, who is currently stretching his hamstrings in a deep lunge.
Vinnie: Alright, copper! We heard you’re holding some "merchandise" that belongs to the Rochesters. Hand over the kid and the girl, or things get messy.
Randall: You’ve got a lot of nerve coming into my precinct! I’ve got a badge, a mustache, and a very irritable bowel!
Marco: (Smirking) I don't care about your badge. I’ve been training at the "Octagon of Agony" for six months.
Before Randall can reach for his belt, Marco lunges forward with a flying knee. He catches Randall right in the solar plexus, sending the Captain gasping into his swivel chair.
Dusty: Hey! Leave the Chief alone! I’ve got... I’ve got...
Trying to put up his dukes, Dusty lunghes at Marco. but Marco performs a lightning-fast Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu transition. He sweeps Dusty’s legs, mounts him on the linoleum floor, and locks him in a tight triangle choke.
Dusty: (Muffled) Is this... is this a hug? I feel very sleepy... and my neck is making a sound like a bag of sun-dried tomatoes...
Bullet: (Watching from the side) Damn, that’s a clean transition. I’d help, but I’m currently coming down from a powdered sugar high and I can’t feel my paws.
Kevin: (Holding the baby) Stop! You’re hurting them! And you’re waking up Starcher!
Vinnie: (Drawing a weapon) Give us the kid, kid. Or the ginger gets it.
Gina walks into the conference room Vinnie and Marco look at her with fury.
Vinnie: A broad, hey?
Marco: This'll be fun!
Gina: You're about to go for a ride with Mama, bitches! .
Vinnie and Marco soon find themselves getting beaten by Gina, as she does a flip and punches them both with brass knuckles, knocking them both to the floor. Kevin covers Starcher's eyes.
Gina: Who sent you!!!!
Marco: That's strictly confidential!
Vinnie: I plead the fifth!
Gina (getting out her police stick): OKay then, I'll rape a confession out of you!
Marco and Vinnie beg while talking over each other. Gina sticks her police stick into their anuses.
Gina: Are you going to talk!!!!
Bullet (laughs): Gina would make a cool Bond villain!
Marco: OKay okay! You win! Greg and Rita sent us!
Vinnie: The girl's parents, okay?
Randall: Good work Gina!
Dusty: No kidding! Rape confession gag is a classic!
Vinnie: Please don't ask us where her parents are, because we don't know.
Bullet: Did you guys have anything to do with her boyfirend's death?
Marco: He gambled with us a lot, then we found out he forgot to pay us back for a loan he took out for baby supplies.
Kevin finds a cellphone outside used earlier by Greg and Rita.
Bullet: Where did you find that cellphone, Kevin.
Kevin: Outside the police station. (looks though the cellphone) it does indeed belong to Greg Rochester.
Playing the call on the cellphone, Kevin pushes a button and it was Greg's voice: Hello! Guys! It's Greg again! These policemen goons have our grandson! They're right here at this address! Give them what for! We will not rest until we get our daughter and our sole custody of our grandson! Thank you! Goodbye.
Vinnie: All we know is that they are determined to find their daughter.
Marco: They also sent us to kill her boyfriend. We buried him somewhere. Can't remember.
Randall: Okay, throw them in a cell.
Bullet does so, and Kevin was able to track down Greg and Rita's whereabouts.
Kevin: Oh shit! They're at Mom's house!
Randall: Come on! We're going to Karen's house. Those shitbag parents are there!
Stanley: Why did you have to sat shitbag, my bowels released for no reason.
Kevin (holds Starcher): So did Starcher.
Randall: OKay, Kevin. You stay here with the baby. And clean up both Stanley's and the baby's shit.
Kevin: All right. Short end of the stick as always.
Dusty: Hey! someone has to stay here and take care of the baby.
Gina: Good luck, Kevin! For your sake.
Kevin watches as he's being left behind with Starcher and Stanley's mess, while Randall, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley drive to Karen's house.
Scene 10:
At Karen's house. Greg and Rita were waiting outside to break in. Sarah was inside with Karen.
Karen: Oh you poor dear. You know I almost became a single mom. When I was pregnant with my son Kevin, Randall almost left me.
Sarah: Thank you for letting me stay with you.
Karen: I'm always willing to help young single mothers like you. Where were you and your boyfriend living?
Sarah: After we got married we ran away from my parents then went in some house that used to belong to someone who died. Think his name was Thester Carbomb.
An avalanche like sound was coming from the chimney.
Karen: What was that?!?!?
Out of the chimney came Greg and Rita. Karen and Sarah both screamed.
Karen: My ex-husband is the police chief. You guys have no right breaking into people's homes and....
Greg: FUCK YOU! (shoots up the ceiling with a gun)
Sarah: Mom! Dad! How did you find me???
Rita: We spotted your hair in the window. You automatically knew it was you!
Greg: You always were in easy target! (laughs)
Karen: What do you want?!?!?
Greg: We want our daughter back, that's what!
Sarah: No! I'm not going back with you, never!
Rita: You have no choice! Your boyfriend is dead. You have no place else to turn!
Greg: If you come back with us you are going to let us have your baby. We will raise it too!
Sarah: I never want my baby to know pieces of scum you are!
Rita: All right! That's it! You never did anything we told you to do. Look where that's got you!
Greg: You'd think you'd be a single mom with a dead boyfriend if you had listened to us! Or even had a baby so young! You and your worthless shit boyfriend ran away and lived in an abandoned house when you could've lived with us!
Sarah: Hey, I graduated from high school 3 years ago! I'm 22! I'm an adult!
Rita: That don't cut it! If you don't come back with us right now. And let us raise your baby, we'll send you to a Magadalene Laundry place!
Karen: Jokes on you, I signed a law to ban those places.....
Greg (hits Karen): WHO ASKED YOU!!!!
Sarah: You think I don't know what you guys did you for living? You guys were always out kidnapping people to force them to star in your cheap ass porno movies! You also used to steal alcohol, mix it all together and pass it off as your own. Leaving me all alone to fend for myself....
Randall, Gina, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley breaks into Karen's house.
Karen: Randall! These assholes hit me! Waste them!
Randall: FREEZE! PARADISE PD!
Sarah: These guys were watching my baby for me.
Dusty: You're under arrest!
Randall: Throw your guns over to the side!
Gina (takes out handcuffs): Hope you like bondage, motherfuckers!
As Gina handcuffed Greg and Rita. Randall was leading them to the squad car as they protested.
Stanley: You guys are going to be on a Perry Mason episode!
Scene 11:
Driving in fast speeds. With Franken Berry above chasing them in the air. Puffy is reckless behind the wheel!
Puffy: (driving recklessly) This is like Fast & Furious, but none of us are family!
Fitz: Turn left!
Brett: That’s a cemetery wall!
Crashing. They escape.
Puffy: (mailing envelope) Six to eight weeks for processing. Bureaucracy is the true villain.
Fitz: Now you're getting smart!
Brett, Fitz, Puffy, Frank, Pedro, and Jerry all see a work camp that had kids there.
Frank: He’s enslaving children for cereal?!
Fitz: That’s darker than a Zack Snyder cut.
Franken Berry: Welcome to my mine! I’m basically Scar with better branding!
Pedro: Oh no! Jerry! He's being brainwashed!
Jerry: (glazed eyes) Must… mine… marshmallows…
Brett: Jerry, snap out of it! Think of… protein!
Jerry: (blinks) Dad? This is wrong!
Fitz: Good. Now punch capitalism!
Fight scene ensues with the song Stay By Oingo Boingo playing.
Franken Berry: Puffy! I’ll give you your own cereal!
Puffy: I’m far too vindictive!
Saving the day Puffy detonates the cereal lair. Explosion in the air.
Scene 12:
In the aftermath. Fitz, Brett, Jerry, Frank, Puffy and Pedro don't know whether they're going to save consequences or a reward.
African Child: Wait… we were making three cents an hour. Now our families starve.
Frank: Did we do a good thing or a bad thing?
Pedro: Maybe both.....
Fitz: Well. That’s morally complicated.
Brett: Like The Good Place, but worse.
Jerry: Thank you for saving me.
Puffy: Next, the breakfast burrito people!
Trying to be a hero, Puffy uses a grappling hook on the plane.
Fitz: That seems—
Plane falls. Crashed onto Puffy
Frank: Is he—
Pedro: Pancaked.
Fitz: (laughing) Roll credits like it’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Brett: Does this mean I get the cereal now? Yeah right like I even wanted it!
Fitz: No, Brett. Nobody wins. Except us.
All laugh as freeze frame hits like an 80s sitcom.
Scene 13:
In the interrogation room. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, and Gina were interrogating Greg and Rita.
Randall: We got those loan sharks you hired in our custody.
Gina: They told us everything!
Kevin (calling out) Keep it down in there. You're going to wake up Starcher!
Dusty: Is it true you hired Vinnie and Marco to kill Sarah's boyfriend?
Bullet: Might as well tell the truth!
Greg: Yes we did.
Rita: We did it because we love our daughter very much....
Randall: Your interaction with her at Karen's house told us a different story.
Dusty: Yesterday we even searched your house. Full of mixed alcohol and cheap porn. Sarah's story checks out.
Gerg: That was the only way we were able to make money! (sobs)
Rita: We want to be good now! That's why we want Sarah back and help her raise the baby!
Gina: You'll get Sarah and your baby back! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER! I hope you twat waffles get 50 years!
Randall: Gina's right! You're both just making up excuses and then you'll go back to the way you both used to be! To prevent that from happening, you're both going to prison for a long time!
Bullet: You'll get out when Starcher is a grandfather! Wouldn't that be ironic!
As the interogation was about to go further. A man covered with dirt from head to toe breaks in.
Dusty (screams): It's James Arness from The Thing From Another World!
Dirt Man: Look, please excuse my appearence. Loan sharks tried to bury me alive....tried to kill me with a gun....
Bullet: Hey, what a minute, that must mean you're....
The man covered in dirt was Sarah's boyfriend. He name is Sean.
Sean: My name is Sean! Has anyone seen Sarah?!
Gina: Wow! This is all the evidence we need!
Randall: Kevin! Take these fuckers to the holding cell. Give me the baby while you do so.
Rita (cries): Our lives are ruined! What are they going to to do us?
Greg (cries): Fuck Sarah! This is all her fault!
Kevin comes in and gives Stracher to Randall.
Randall: You bonded with him enough.
Kevin: Yeah, well he likes me better than you!
Randall: Just take the prisoners to the holding cell.
Starcher looks at Kevin as if they shared a special bond. He also feels content with Randall as well. As Kevin was about to escort Greg and Rita to a holding cell next to Vinnie and Marco. Bullet runs in to say a final word.
Bullet: You know since the boyfriend isn't really dead. If he testifies against you, Your daughter and her boyfriend will live happily ever after and forget you fuckasses ever existed!
Greg gets enraged and lets out a huge holler, then he bumps his whole body on the glass window in the interrogation room. Starcher begins to cry.
Randall: Holy fuck! Did a MOAB go off?!?!
Bullet (laughs): I guess Big Papa didn't know his own strength!
Dusty (to the screen): And now here's something you'll really like!
Scene 14 Conclusion:
In court the next day. It was a bench trial. Since no lawyers were around to take the case. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley all had to stand in. Vinnie and Marco were in the background. Sitting in silence. As were Sean, Sarah, Starcher, Greg and Rita. Testimony was under way. Randall was talking to Sean who was on the stand. Bullet was cross examining. Dusty, Gina, and Stanley were acting as baliffs.
Randall: Now Sean in your own words, why didn't you get a job and instead of having to join some loan sharks?
Sean: You see my uncle in Montana offered me a job at his business. Sadly we didn't have any money to get there. See? It's Because we were desperate for money to provide for our baby. Then I ran into Vinnie and Marco over there.
Randall: Did you and Sarah have your own place?
Sean: We were living in some dead guys house that hadn't been lived in so we took it. Anything to have our own place and money of our own.
Bullet: Why did Sarah's parents hate you so much?
Sean: Well, I had no idea that Vinnie and Marco were working for Greg and Rita. Vinnie had to initiate me.
Randall: Initiate? How so?
Sean: Well, for starters. Marco had me give him a blow job then I had to give a toss salad to Vinnie.
Bullet: Were you in the gang then?
Sean: Yes, that was until Greg, Sarah's father came in and caught me in the act.
Greg: SEE! THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE YOUR HONOR! THAT IS THE REASON WHY HE IS ALL WRONG FOR SARAH!
Rita: Sarah could do better than that piece of shit!
Judge Judge Judge: Objection! Sit down! One more outburst like that and we'll have a gag order on you two! Please continue Chief Crawford and Bullet.
Bullet: OKay in your own words, what happened next?
Sean: Well, Greg told me he sent them after both me and Sarah. He thought me doing that to get in good with the loan sharks....(simpers) Was a sign of me being gay. I am not gay in the least......
Randall: Did Greg do anything to you after he saw the sexual acts you were forced to perform?
Sean (cries): Yes, he did. Greg put a condom on a banana. Then he forced the condomed banana into my mouth and he kept screaming, "ARE YOU STRAIGHT YET! ARE YOU STRAIGHT YET? ARE YOU STRAIGHT! NOT SO MUCH FUN IS IT!"
Dusty, Gina, Stanley, Randall, and Bullet all snickered under their breaths. Kevin was holding Starcher.
Sean: He also showed me a scene from that movie As Good As It Gets where Greg Kinnear who played a gay guy in the movie got beat up. Then Greg said that was going to happen to me......(cries)
Judge Judge Judge (going over the evidence): Says right here you Greg and Rita Rochester kidnapped people and forced them into doing porn and stole alcohol. Mixing it together and passing it off as your own. All the while you were doing that, you kept your child! Sarah! The one you supposedly love SO MUCH all alone.
Rita: That's right your honor! We did! It was the only way we can make money! Boy howdy! We made tons!
Greg: We'd do it again too! I enjoyed what I did to Sean!
Sarah was crying in the background. Kevin assured her. A hour later, the judge reaches his decision.
Dusty: What's the verdict your honor?
Judge Judge Judge: This court finds in favor of Sean and Sarah. As for you 2 Greg and Rita Rochester! You're both going to be sentenced to 60 years in prison! Along with your loan sharks who will go to prison 30 years for conspiracy, and attemptive murder. In the meantime we'll track down Sean's uncle. Case dismissed! (bangs gavel)
Kevin (to Sean and Sarah): Congratulations! You guys won!
Sarah: Thank you so much, Paradise PD! You are forever in my debt!
Vinnie and Marco were being lead away by Stanley. Sean runs over to Greg as he and Rita were being escorted to serve their prison sentences by Dusty and Gina. Sean lets out a roaring scream and viciously attacks Greg. Sarah with Starcher in her arms cheers him on.
Gina: Wow! Wish I could have his baby!
Dusty: Are you going to stop this, Judge?
Judge Judge Judge: Not at all! I love chaos! I'll allow it! This is what I call hard justice served cold!
Randall: Geez Kevin! Why can't you be more like him!
Bullet: I'll recruit him for cock fighting!
Randall and Kevin both sigh as they were watching Sean and Sarah depart with Starcher.
Kevin: You're going to miss him, aren't you Dad?
Randall: As much as I hate to admit it. Yes.
Epilogue:
2 weeks later. At Karen's house where Sean and Sarah were staying. Randall, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet were there too.
Karen: Good news. My ex husband and the cops tracked down your uncle.
A car pulls up.
Kevin: Oh look! Here he is!
A man walks out of the car. It was Sean's uncle. Who was rich. His name is Kyle Manchester.
Kyle: Hello, dear nephew. I see you and your girlfriend and your baby is here with you.
Sean: Sure is, uncle Kyle.
Kyle: Guess what? I own a huge real estate business and you get to have a job in my company! No training needed.
Kevin: Wow! So lucky you guys are! A rich uncle!
Kyle: That way you and your girlfriend and son will live a nice life in Montana
Randall: Alright… listen up. I hate emotional crap, so I’m gonna keep this short. Sean, Sarah… you two actually pulled it off. You survived a whole adventure and somehow didn’t completely screw everything up.
Kevin: Yeah! And trust me, I know screwing things up.
Gina: You’re basically a PhD in it.
Ignoring Gina, Kevin turns to Sean and Sarah.
Kevin: Seriously though, you guys did awesome. Like… almost as awesome as me. But still pretty awesome.
Dusty: (sniffling) I’m just real proud of y’all. Watching you two go through all that… it was beautiful. Reminded me of the time my cousin tried to wrestle a raccoon for fifty bucks.
Everyone slowly looks at Dusty.
Dusty: He lost.
Karen: (smiling at Sarah) You two take care of yourselves out there, okay? And try not to miss this place too much. Paradise has… limited appeal.
Gina: Yeah, “limited” is generous.
Sarah (laughs): think we'll survive!
Sean: With my uncle on my side! And hey… thanks for everything. Even if most of it was chaotic and dangerous.
Randall: that’s the Paradise PD way.
Sarah and Sean give Stracher to Kevin who lifts him into the air.
Kevin: And don’t forget little Starcher here! He’s gonna miss you guys too, right buddy?
The baby giggles.
Randall: Hold up. He’s laughing because he likes me more.
Kevin (scoffs): Please. I was clearly his favorite.
Randall: I literally fed him when he was staying with us!
Kevin: He helped me clean Stanley's mess! .
Randall: Because you scared him with your face and his shit!
Kevin: My face is comforting!
Baby Starcher reaches out and grabs Randall’s finger.
Randall: (pointing triumphantly)HA! See that?! He chose me!
Kevin (with outrage): That doesn’t count! Babies grab everything! With me, he grabbed a stapler!
Gina: Honestly that stapler probably had a better personality than both of you.
Everyone laughs. Sean and Sarah look around at the chaotic group one last time before departing with Kyle Manchester.
Sarah: We’re gonna miss you guys.
Sean: Even this arguing just now. Thanks to you we have our own place, a safety net. My uncle and a job!
Randall: Alright, that’s enough feelings for one day. Get outta here before I start caring.
Sean and Sarah go into the car with Kyle and Starcher in now. The group waves.
Behind them—
Kevin: I’m telling you, he liked me better!
Randall: No way! He literally drooled on you!
Kevin: That’s respect drool!
Randall: That’s not a thing!
Bullet: You both can star in a remake movie of Three Men And A Baby. Instead it can be called Two Asshole Cops and A Baby!
The arguing continues as Sean and Sarah disappear down the road. Dusty, Gina, Bullet, Stanley, all walked back to Paradise PD Headquarters ignoring Kevin and Randall's verbal spat.
THE END
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