Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Bullet joins the Peace Corps When Randall Fires Him. Fitz and Brett Deal With An Unknown Entity
0Unrated
Paradise PD
fanfic title:
Every Bullet Has His Day
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Quiet day at the Paradise PD Headquarters. Chief Randall Crowford was alone and enjoying it. Sending, Stanley, Dusty, Kevin, and Gina out on duty. Randall decides to have some alone time.
Randall: YES! FINALLY! Peace and quit! Elmer Fudd said it best, "Rest And Relaxation At Last!"
Deciding to have a little fun by himself. Randall drinks a bottle of beer he was saving for himself. Then begins to get drunk and turn up the radio. War By Edwin Starr begins to play and Randall sings along to it.
Randall (singing drunkenly): War! Huh! Yeah! What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!
Dobby, Robbie's and Delbert's mutated son hears the loud music that Randall was playing, then decides to join in. Dobby walks into the Paradise Police Department and begins to dance with Randall who was so drunk he didn't even notice. Dobby by mistake hits Randall over the head with a nightstick. Randall soon loses conscienceness. Dobby feeling bad stayed by Randall's side until he woke up.
Randall (waking up): Wow! I enjoyed myself too much last night! And I'm not talking masterbation!
Looking all around, Randall sees Dobby starring at him.
Dobby: Dobby! Dobby! Dobby! Dobby Dobby!
Randall: AAAAHHHHH! You fucking son of a bitch! How did you get in here!
Soon, Dobby found himself being dragged away by Randall who had him by the neck.
Randall: Dreezle! Dreezle! Drazzle! Drone! Time for this fucker to go home!
Walking over to Robbie's and Delbert's crack house, Randall screamed outside to get their attention.
Randall: Hey crack heads! DOES THIS BELONG TO YOU?!?!?!? (kicks Dobby to the crack house)
Dobby: DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY!!!!
As soon as Dobby landed though a broken window, Robbie and Delbert begin to scream and yell at each other.
Delbert: Robbie! You fix that window!
Robbie: Fuck you! I ain't gonna do that! You think I'm fucking Bob Vila!
Randall: That'll teach that miserable freak to ruin my fun!
Scene 2:
Walking back to Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was still alone. Dusty, Gina, Stanley, and Kevin were still out on duty. Randall begins to have a hangover.
Randall: Oh fuck! Now I got a hangover! Have mercy on me!
Going to the evidence room to see if there were some painkillers he can use, Randall opens the door and there was Bullet who just snorted up all the cocaine. Randall was flaming mad.
Randall: GODDAMMIT BULLET! Where the fuck have you been?
Bullet: In the evidence room. Had the best crack of my life!
Randall: I sent everyone else out on duty to have some alone time and I assumed you were with everyone else?
Bullet: I heard you had quite the party in here! And with Dobby of all people! (laughs)!
Randall: ENOUGH! Both you and Dobby are on my shit list for ruining my alone time!
Bullet: Oh come on, Randall. Give me another chance!
Randall: Too late to redeem yourself this time, Bullet! For 'cleaning' up that evidence room when you were supposed to join Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley, you are going to be my errand boy for the rest of the month!
Bullet: Is that like a servant?
Randall: That's exactly what it means!
Bullet: This is bullshit! I'm a police dog! I deserve better than this and...
Randall: Hate to tell you this but, dogs are meant to serve humans! You start your new job first thing in the morning! You get me?!
Bullet: Yes sir! (rolls eyes)
The next day, Bullet was ready for his punitive job. Dusty, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley were still out on duty. Bullet reports to the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Bullet! Glad you showed up!
Bullet: I await your orders boss!
Randall: Ha! Good I knew you'd see it my way. Go down to the Coffee House and get me a huge black cup of Folgers!
Bullet (walking out): Coming right up!
Randall (sits back in his chair): I can get used to this!
Walking down to the Coffee shop. Much to Bullet's surprise, he sees Kevin, Gina Dusty, and Stanley there.
Kevin: Bullet! Thank God! We need your help!
Bullet: You guys are at the coffee shop too?!
Dusty: If you must know, we're doing a stakeout! It feels like that Al Pacino movie Heat!
Gina: Some twat waffle inside has hostages and is threatening the place with a bomb.
Stanley: I went to get some coffee once with Audrey Hepburn at Breakfast At Tiffanys.
Bullet: Fun fact, that was also a 1990's song too.
Kevin: Why can't you join us, Bullet?
Bullet: Randall has me on some punitive thing where I have to be his servant for the next month.
Dusty: Bummer for you, Bullet. What did you do?
Bullet: Snorting up all the cocaine in the evidence room, Randall thought I was with you guys.
Gina: Good luck trying to get Randall's coffee here.
Going into the Coffee House anyway, Bullet tries to get some coffee for Randall.
Scene 3:
In the Lovely Corp Building, inside the break room. Fitz storms in holding a toothbrush like it's a weapon.
Fitz: Brett DeMarco… explain why my toothbrush smells like shoe polish.
Brett DeMarco: Maybe your mouth smells like shoe polish.
Fitz: Don’t play games with me, DeMarco.
Bursting in, punching the air. Frank Flipperfist walks into the break room.
Frank Flipperfist: Pedro Pooptooth! You dented my punching bag with your golf clubs!
Pedro Pooptooth: Your punching bag dented my golf clubs, puto!
Frank Flipperfist: Why would your golf clubs be near my punching bag?!
Pedro Pooptooth: Why would your punching bag be near my golf clubs?!
Now entering the room was Russian Mobster, holding a sad, empty lunchbox decorated with a hammer and sickle.
Russian Mobster: Marcos Narcos… you ate my communist lunches. They were for comrades only.
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! I thought they were free samples.
Russian Mobster: They were not free. They cost 1..2...3...4...5...6....7 7 dollars! They were ideological.
Everyone starts yelling over each other.
Scene 4:
Slamming a USB drive into the computer. Fitz shows him evidence.
Fitz: Enough. I have video proof.
The screen shows: Brett polishing his shoes with Fitz’s toothbrush. Frank smashing Pedro’s golf clubs into his punching bag. Pedro pounding dents out of the jet with his golf club. Marcos eating the communist lunches while humming the Soviet anthem. Everyone freezes.
Brett DeMarco: …Okay, maybe we need help.
Fitz: Exactly. Trust retreat time.
Frank Flipperfist: Oh no! Not that! Last time we were there they gave us shock boosters!
Pedro Pooptooth: Never want to go through that again!
Russian Mobster: It was very expensive. It cost 100...200...300...
Fitz: SHUT UP! I found a better one! Besides we're rich did you forget! This one is run by Chip Fuckyeah! It's called The Fuckyeah Trust Center.
Brett DeMarco: Yes this retreat is run by people just as evil as we are!
Marcos Narcos: Okay then. I'll take it.
Frank Flipperfist: Yeah me too.
Fitz, Brett, Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster and Marcos Narcos all agree to go to the new retreat.
Scene 5:
4 Weeks Later Bullet trudges into Paradise PD Headquarters, looking like a dog who’s aged ten human years in a month.
Sitting at his desk like a smug Roman emperor, Randall has his feet up, sunglasses on indoors, sipping the Folgers Bullet got him hours ago.
Randall: Bullet! Good. You’re only five minutes late today. Improvement! I’ve got a list of shit for you.
Bullet (dead inside): I live to serve, boss.
Randall: Great! First, go down to Amici and get me a large pepperoni. Extra grease. If it doesn’t soak through the box, I’m sending you back in the oven.
Bullet: Fine…
Randall: Then swing by Paradise Peeper and grab today’s newspaper. I need something to roll up and smack Kevin with when he gets back.
Bullet: Can’t wait.
Randall: Oh, and make copies of all the police reports from last night. Every single one. Even the ones Dusty wrote in crayon.
Bullet: He only writes in crayon.
Randall: Exactly! And I want them neatly stapled. None of that crooked-ass kindergarten shit you usually do.
Bullet (muttering): I swear to God I’m gonna pull a Norma Rae and unionize…
Randall: What was that?
Bullet: NOTHING! I said “I’ll get right on it,” sir!
Randall: Good. After that, go to Big Earl’s Hardware and get me a new plunger. Kevin clogged the toilet again. I don’t know what he eats, but it’s a crime against humanity.
Bullet: I’m a police dog… I used to chase criminals… now I chase plungers…
Randall: And finally—this is important—go to the Paradise Donut Shop and get me one of those cinnamon rolls with the frosting that looks like it’s been applied by a horny angel.
Bullet: Randall, this list is longer than Gina’s arrest record.
Randall: And growing! Now MOVE IT, MUTT!
Bullet drags himself out the door, mumbling curses in dog language. Randall leans back, hands behind his head, grinning.
Randall: Ahhh… every bullet does have his day. And today? It’s mine.
Scene 6:
After Bullet does all his tasks, he forgot the newspaper. So he walks into the Paradise PD Headquarters and gives Randall the copies, the pizza, plunger, and the donuts.
Randall: Great job, Bullet! Good work. You're getting to be dependable little subordinate!
Bullet: Uhhh, thanks.
Looking through all the things Bullet got for Randall, he noticed that there was no newspaper.
Randall: Uhhh, something's missing here.
Bullet: How could that be possible? I got everything but the kitchen sink, literally!
Randall: YOU FORGOT THE NEWSPAPER!
Bullet: WHAT? You are fucking kidding me! I thought I had it!
Randall: Well, I don't see it! Knowing you, you probably sold it for drug money or took a piss on it!
Bullet: I would never do THAT! I swear!
Randall: Oh bullshit! Due to your past behavior it's sounds plausible!
Bullet: I had no idea I forgot the newspaper! I swear! Give me a second chance!
Randall: No Bullet! I am sick of your excuses all the time! What do you think this is? That shitty coming of age FOX Show The OC?
Bullet: What are you going to do to me? Send me to the pound and get me euthanized like you always threatened?
Randall: You can't be responsible if you forget one thing! So you're FIRED! (screams in Bullet's face)
Bullet: You can't fire me! Because I QUIT! I've had it with all your endless errands!
Randall: That was your own fault, Bullet! You brought this all upon yourself!
Bullet: If you need me I'll be at....oh yes that's right! You don't need me! (runs away cries) Sayonara Butterball!
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all walk back to the Police Headquarters feeling victorious!
Gina: We solved the Coffee House bomb case!
Kevin: After a standoff that felt like an eternity it was worth it!
Dusty: Haven't eaten since then, off to the fridge I go! (runs away)
Stanley: What's happened to Rin Tin Tin there?
Randall: Oh you mean Bullet? I fired him
Kevin: He seemed very upset, he was actually crying.
Randall: I've had him be my errand dog for a while because he cleaned out the evidence room. Then I made him be my errand dog.
Gina: Why did you fire him?
Randall: He forgot the newspaper! Or so he said. But I know better. He possibly wanted to get back at me so he either sold the newspaper or pissed on it.
Kevin: Hope he can find a new job soon.
Randall: Let this be a lesson to all of you! If either of you fuck up in any way! You will become the new Bullet!
Stanley: I used to be an errand boy once for President Herbert Hoover!
Dusty (walks in eating a cherry pie): Did anybody try this pie? Is Big Boy still open? Dr Evil used it as a spaceship you know!
Scene 7:
Fitz along with his Lovely Corp members formerly known as the Legion of DOOOOM are now all on a bus riding down the highway with Chip Fuckyeah driving it. His choice of clothes is wearing a “TEAM BUILDING IS MY PASSION” shirt.
Chip Fuckyeah: Alright crew, today we learn trust, unity, and maybe friendship.
He stops for a hitch‑hiker.
Chip Fuckyeah: Look! A new friend to join us!
Brett DeMarco: What is this hitchhiker supposed to teach us about trust?
Fitz: Just go along with it.
The hitch‑hiker climbs aboard. He looks normal… until he doesn’t. His jaw unhinges. His eyes multiply. His spine makes a wet accordion noise.
Hitch Hiker: I hunger.
Chip Fuckyeah: …Oh no.
The monster devours Chip in one gulp.
Fitz: EVERYBODY OUT!
Frank Flipperfist: Quick to the panic room!
Marcos Narcos: Bus has a panic room!
Pedro Pooptooth: Apparantly this one does!
The Lovely Corp crew slams the door shut.
Frank Flipperfist: That thing is eating everyone!
Fitz: And looks like it's assuming our indentities!
Pedro Pooptooth: It keeps turning into us! It turned into me and tried to eat me!
Russian Mobster: It turned into my lunch and then ate me. That is political satire.
One by one, the monster shape‑shifts into crew members and drags them away. Soon only Fitz and Brett remain.
Scene 8:
Walking down the streets of Paradise. Bullet was forlorn and downtrottened.
Bullet: Being a police dog drug sniffer is all I know. What will I do for a living now?
Beamoning himself, Bullet tries to look around to see if any stores were hiring. He comes across a Victoria's Secret.
Bullet: I always did like to sniff women's undergarments. Maybe they'll hire me.
As the German Shepard was about to end the Victoria's Secret store, Camaro Bob walks out with a bag in his hand.
Camaro Bob: Hey, Bullet? Why so morbid? You're usually the happiest resident here in Paradise.
Bullet: Randall fired me.
Camaro Bob: Well that's not right. Nobody's perfect, baby.
Bullet: You see, Randall was at the police office alone and enjoying himself. He sent everyone else to do a standoff. Then he discovered me in the evidence room high on drugs.
Camaro Bob: Then it went to shit from there I bet.
Bullet: Exactly. He forced me to be his errand boy for 4 weeks. Then I forgot a stupid as newspaper. Where am I going to find a job now? Guess I can work for you at your Auto Mall, from what I heard you like to do weed.
Camaro Bob: You know, you remind me of myself. Because I was in this situation once too baby.
Bullet: Really? What happened with you?
Camaro Bob: Before I became the second richest guy in Paradise I joined this thing called The Peace Corps.
Bullet: Really? And just for that, I am NEVER going back to the Paradise PD!
Camaro Bob: You can't just run away from your problems.
Bullet: So anyway what did you do at the Peace Corps?
Camaro Bob: Once I joined. Two days later I was already two continents away.
Bullet: Wow?
Camaro Bob: Yep but 6000 miles and all the dope I can smoke still could not separate me from my problems.
When Bullet listened to Camaro Bob's story. He gets an idea.
Bullet: Hold that thought. Your story just inspired me!
Camaro Bob: Wow! That's very flattering baby.
Bullet gets out a pen and paper he always carries on him, and writes a letter.
Camaro Bob: You're probably wondering why I'm at Victoria's Secret. This is some sexy lingerie I'm making my models wear.
Bullet: Have a nice life, Camaro Bob! And thank you!
Camaro Bob: I already have a nice life with All American Orgies! Glad I helped him out!
Bullet got done writing the letter then he goes to Mrs Whiskers.
Mrs Whiskers: Hey Bullet. You coming back for a handjob?
Bullet: Give this letter to the Paradise PD Headquarters!
Mrs Whiskers: OKay! You're my favorite customer anyway.
Bullet (looks up in the sky): Fuck you Paradise! Thanks for nothing! Bullet is joining the Peace Corp!
Scene 9:
Four days have passed since Bullet left town for the Peace Corp. Mrs Whiskers comes into the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Mrs Whiskers: Uhhh, telegram!
Stanley: I got a telegram once when I was performing at the USO in Iwo Jima!
Gina (takes the letter): Thanks Mrs Whiskers.
Kevin and Dusty walk into the room.
Dusty: I miss Bullet.
Kevin: I do too. I'll never forget him.
Dusty: Not to mention his fun drug filled antics.
Gina: This letter is from him! Let's all read it.
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all read the letter.
Dusty: Oh no! He's....he's.....gone.
Randall was reading some arrest report papers, and Kevin runs into the conference room.
Kevin: Dad! Dad! We just heard from Bullet!
Randall: Bet he's begging to come back.
Gina: That's the thing in this letter he wrote. He's not coming back!
Randall: Good! One last thing to worry about. At least the evidence locker will be full again.
Dusty: No! You don't understand, Randall! Bullet is gone forever! He ran away and joined the Peace Corps!
Randall reads the letter and begins to laugh.
Dusty: Where ever Bullet I hope he's happy.
Gina: In the letter it says he's going to South America!
Randall: Where the hell would he get an idea like that?
Dusty: Do we know someone who used to be in the Peace Corps? Was it Jeff Daniels? Do we know Jeff Daniels?
Stanley: The letter says that Camaro Bob guy had something to do with it.
Randall: Hand me the phone!
Kevin gives Randall the phone and he uses it to call Camaro Bob.
Camaro Bob: You reached the auto mall of Camaro Bob!
Randall: Camaro Bob! This is Randall Crawford of the Paradise PD! Did you encourage Bullet to run away and join the Peace Corps?
Camaro Bob: Woah! You're sounding really loaded, baby. Yes he did get the idea from me, baby!
Randall: What the fuck is wrong with you?!?! I was only going to fire him for a while then give him his job back.
Camaro Bob: I didn't do it on purpose! And before you fly off the handle, the dog was confused. Obviously this experience could be good for him.
Randall: Yeah well fuck you anyway! I won't be buying a car from you ever again! If Bullet never comes back you'll be hearing from my lawyer! Good riddance you horny ass cocksucker!! (slams phone)
Scene 10:
On Chip Fuckyeah's Bus. Fitz and Brett huddle together. They were nowhere near Chip Fuckyeah's Trust Center.
Brett DeMarco: We’re the last ones.
Fitz: Then we stick together. No more toothbrush crimes.
Suddenly Chip appears, perfectly fine, holding a bowling ball.
Chip Fuckyeah: Hey guys! Surprise! It was all part of the trust retreat! The monster is harmless! Everyone’s safe! We’re having a bowling game!
Brett DeMarco: …Bowling?
Fitz: You faked your own fucking death?
Chip Fuckyeah: Yup! And the monster is actually named Glerp. He’s very friendly once he’s eaten.
Glerp (now a cute blob): Hiii!
Fitz and Brett stare at Chip. Then they vaporize him with a disintegration ray.
Brett DeMarco: That felt… cleansing.
Fitz: He really should’ve led with “bowling.”
Chip Fuckyeah: Why did you do that for? Glerp was the key to getting you all to trust each other again!
Brett DeMarco: Because you used that thingamajig to kill our friends!
Fitz: Like Mel Gibson in Ransom! GIVE ME BACK MY FRIENDS!
Scene 11:
Meanwhile on an airplane. Flying to South America. A Peace Corps member was giving Bullet some instructions. Bullet had on a parachute as did the Peace Corps member.
Member: OKay Bullet. We're approaching your assigned village. Tell the people to work together and drink clean water. Oh and by the way the word 'colored' still flies down there so get your fill. (pushes Bullet off the plane)
Bullet (screaming): WWWWOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The parachute opens and Bullet lands into a jungle village full of natives. Once Bullet got out of the parachute the jungle natives look at him with confusion. And speak broken English.
Jungle Native #1: Look! Dog!
Jungle Native #2: Should eat it?
Then the chief comes over to introduce himself to Bullet.
Chief: Hello! I am Head Chief of this village. Welcome here canine friend. Our air is clean our food is bountiful and our water is caffeine free! Never had it HA HA! Never will!
Then the chief introduces Bullet to his daughter.
Chief: This is my daughter! She is the Princess of this island.
Bullet was lovestruck and smitten with her.
Princess (pinches Bullet's cheek): You're a cute one yes you are!
Bullet: Yeah I get that a lot!
Chief: And this is my son the Prince and my Cousin Vinny!
Vinny: Give me a word, any word! And I'll pronounce it funny for a nickel!
Bullet: Wow! This sure beats working at the Police Station with that asshole Randall! From now on this is my new home! Think I'll call Kevin! (reaches for his cellphone.)
Back in Paradise PD Headquarters, Kevin was eating lunch worried sick about Bullet. with Dusty, Gina, Randall, and Stanley.
Dusty; Hey Kevin. Something on your mind?
Gina: You haven't said a word.
Kevin: I'm just worried about Bullet. Hope he's okay.
Randall: It's been a week since Bullet left. Forget about him already!
Scene 12:
Fate has twisted it's hand. Kevin's cellphone rings.
Kevin (answers): Hello?
Bullet: Kevin!
Kevin: Bullet! Are you okay? How are you doing, buddy?
Bullet: I'm awesome! Never been better!
Randall (grabs phone): Bullet buddy! Thank God you're okay!
Bullet: Yeah, like you care, Randall! You're the reason why I ran away.
Dusty (grabs phone): Hey Bullet! Glad to hear you're well. This has been driving me bonkers. Who's the lead actor on that show Midnight Caller?
Bullet: Uhhh, Gary Cole? I'm surprised anyone remembers that show.
Gina (grabs phone): What exactly are you doing down there?
Bullet: Oh relax Gina! I'm having an awesome time!
Stanley (grabs phone): You people knocked me off the Wifi! Whatever that is.
Gina: Are you ever coming back?
Randall: How's the food in South America?
Stanley: Do the men have exposed crotches?
Bullet: I'll be home in the month after I finish my mission. By then my spat with Randall will have been all forgotten about.
Dusty: All right, Bullet. Take care of yourself.
Bullet: OKay bye! (hangs up)
Randall runs away.
Kevin: Wow, wonder what's going on with Dad.
Scene 13:
To drown his sorrows for what he did to Bullet. Randall hits the bar and begins to drink himself into a stupor.
Bartender: What'll be police chief?
Randall: Something that will cure my conscience.
Bartender: Schlitz on the rocks!
Three hours later, Randall was wasted on Schlitz. Robbie and Delbert came into the bar.
Robbie: Hey, Bartender! Heard you got some Schlitz!
Delbert: It's a fan favorite of beers!
Robbie and Delbert Yelp in shock when they see Randall drunken and naked.
Delbert: Holy fuck! Chief Randall!
Robbie: What happened to your pants?!?!?!
Randall (drunk and slurring): Well look who's here! Mr I Don't Have Time For Your Varsity Football Games! (throws bottle) Come here you son of a bitch!
Beginning to sob, Randall hugs Robbie and Delbert who are both feeling extremely awkward.
Randall (crying and crunk): Why do you close your eyes when we make love!
Suddenly out of the blue, Randall is hit with a chair from behind. It was Camaro Bob.
Robbie: Thank you Camaro Bob!
Delbert: I never want to know what it's like to get hugged by a naked drunk fat man again!
Randall: Camaro Bob! Why did you do that for?
Camaro Bob: Bullet happens to be a very good friend of mine! And when anyone messes with my friends, they're going to feel the wrath of my Kenpo Karate!
Randall soon finds himself getting beaten up by Camaro Bob.
Robbie: This reminds me of that scene from Fight Club!
Delbert: More like the one from Desperado!
When Camaro Bob was done beating up Randall. He decides to talk some sense into him.
Camaro Bob: You're going to do everything you can to get Bullet back and give him back his job! We clear!
Randall: Yeah, Clar!
Camaro Bob: Good (drop kicks Randall) It's all your fault Bullet ran away from his problems! And it's your responsibility as a man and a police chief to give him back his job!
Randall (slurs): Thanks! I needed that! (collapses)
Scene 14:
Chip Fuckyeah's bus was now at the Paradise Bowling Alley. The rest of the Lovely Corp crew bowls happily.
Frank bowls a strike. Pedro bowls a gutter ball. Russian Mobster bowls a ball so hard it sparks. Glerp cheers for everyone.
Marcos Narcos: Fitz! Brett! Over here!
Russian Mobster: Turns out that glerp thing transported us all here.
Frank Flipperfist: Where’s Chip?
Pedro Pooptooth: Probably doing trust exercises.
Fitz: Well, I guess this concludes our story.
Brett DeMarco: Now that we got our trust back. I guess it's safe to say.
Everyone shrugs and keeps bowling. After their bowling game was over Fitz and Brett sit on the couch, watching TV. The news anchor Kurt Connors speaks.
Kurt Connors: Authorities continue searching for missing Gun Rights Activist Chip Fuckyeah. Police suspect homicide. A reward of 1 million dollars will be given to anyone who turns in the murderer. If two criminals are involved, whoever turns in the other will receive 2 million dollars and walk free.
Fitz and Brett slowly turn toward each other. Their eyes narrow. Their smiles sharpen. Then they both look at the telephone. Silence. Tension. Comedy.
Scene 15:
Back in South America. Bullet gets to know The Jungle Princess Better as they walk around.
Princess: Thank you for bringing water to our island.
Bullet: That was the job I was sent to do.
Princess (takes out a loincloth): This is what all the men wear so I am giving it to you as a special gift.
Bullet: Wow! I don't think I'll ever go back to Paradise!
Trying on the loincloth, Bullet admires himself in it.
Bullet: Well will you look at me! I'm a regular Johnny Weismuller! Me Tarzan! You Jane!
The Princess laughs as the Chief and all other jungle natives engage in a song and dance. Bullet does a dance with the jungle natives. To the J Giles Band Song Freeze Frame. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. When the dance stopped The Chief had an announcement to make.
Chief: By participating in this dance, you are here by married to my daughter!
Bullet: WHAT?!?! Am I missing something here? Did I forget to read the fine print or something!
Chief: My daughter is 21 if that was what you were worried about.
Bullet: It's perfect! I'm that age in dog years! At least in my mind I am!
Princess: Come on brave hero. Let's make love!
Bullet: Wowee wow! Before we do can I talk to my friends back home first?
Princess: Sure. I want our relationship to allow each other to still keep in touch with your friends back home.
Bullet: I'm going to tell them I'm never coming back! Stupid gay ass fucking Randall!
Scene 16 Conclusion:
Back at Paradise PD Headquarters. The phone rings and Kevin answers it.
Kevin: Hello! Oh hi Bullet! (to Dusty, Gina, and Stanley): You guys it's Bullet!
Dusty, Gina, and Stanley gather around to listen. The phone call was one sided.
Kevin: So, how's it going on South America? Wow that's awesome! You meet a girl? A princess! You married her! You're really moving on up in the East Side there! You're not coming back. Well we're going to miss you. What? You're inviting us to come visit you for a final goodbye? Okay, sounds good. It won't be the same without you. We'll be there when we can. What? No Randall? Sure thing! Thank you, bye.
Dusty: Bullet got married?
Gina: He's not coming back?
Stanley: Final goodbye? That's my job.
Randall runs inside as people from Paradise were chasing him with torches and pitchforks and even throwing eggs and tomatoes at him in anger.
Gina: You getting chased by twat waffles? Let me at 'em? I'll know what to do with them.
Randall: No you don't have to.
Dusty: Why are you being chased around like you're Ted Bundy?
Randall (breaths) Let me explain. I'm now a pariah! Camaro Bob turned the whole town against me after for what I did to Bullet! Even animal rights groups are after me.
Kevin: Funny you should say that. We just heard from Bullet. He's invited us to come visit him in South America.
Randall: Then South America we shall go! Anything to get away from this fucking angry mob! Pack your bags!
Momentarily, Randall, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley were on a plane to South America.
Dusty: We traveling overseas a earlier this year.
Kevin: Yeah the whole Indonesia thing with that poor dog who was being exploited and those sickening honeycomb removal videos.
Gina: I predict once Bullet's wife finds out he's on drugs, she'll dump him in a New York minute.
Stanley: Want to know someone who has failed marriages? Joan Crawford!
The airplane pilot has an announcement.
Pilot: Folks, this is your captain speaking......
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Randall ignore the pilot's announcement.
Gina: Have you figured out where we're going to find Bullet?
Randall: We're policemen. We can track anyone anywhere!
By the time the Paradise PD arrive on the South American Island where Bullet now resided. Bullet and the Princess come to greet them.
Bullet: Hey, guys! Glad you can make it!
Kevin: Wow, Bullet. Don't you think this place is a little too primitive for you?
Gina: Hate what they did to this place.
Bullet: Not at all. There's no laws here. It's perfect for me. (sees Randall) What's he doing here??!?!! I came here to run away from him.
Randall: I just want to make it up to you, Bullet. Now I'm hated all over turn because of what I did to you.
Bullet: Oh? Is that so! I said in that phone call to Kevin that I didn't want you to come here! (To Kevin): Did you miss the memo?
Kevin: Sorry!
Stanley (looks at the natives): Wow, sure wish I can dress like that.
Gina: We all came to visit you for your last goodbye.
Bullet: OKay let me introduce you to everyone! This is the chief and....
Just before Bullet can introduce his friends to the jungle natives. Randall takes out his wallet.
Randall: There has to be some kind of technology around here? Anyone here heard of ATM Machines?
As soon as Randall waved the money out of his wallet, all the jungle natives bowed down to him.
Randall: Hmmmmmm. Maybe this place won't be so bad after all.
Dusty: Cheese and taters, Randall! they think you're a God and something or other!
Chief: Obese man nailed it! You are now our new ruler!
Overtime, the Jungle Natives give Randall a huge straw hut in live in. Then the jungle natives all serve him. Bullet and Kevin are in the hut as well.
Randall: Ahhh, this is the life! I went from being the most hated man in Paradise to the most beloved man in this South American Island!
Bullet: You stay away from my wife!
Randall: Too late! She's giving me a massage! She likes me better now!
Kevin (sees Vinnie): There's even a Mob Boss looking guy here!
Vinnie: Ask me to say something and I'll say it funny for a nickel!
Kevin: OKay....pajamas..
Vinnie: You got it! (in eggerated accent): PUH-JA-MAS!
Randall throws a nickel at Vinnie.
Bullet: He's only been here thirty minutes and he's already taken over that is rightfully mine!
Randall: That's because I came here with money! Did you, nope! Finders Keepers! Losers Weepers! (laughs)
Kevin: We used to say that in the first grade. Wonder how Dusty, Gina, and Stanley are doing?
In another part of the island. Stanley was doing a documentary while some jungle natives behind him were chopping up a tree while Dusty and Gina were filiming him on their cellphones.
Stanley: The native man is the closest physical specimen. Look closely as we see their seemingly muscular form and their usual vitality! It would be thrilling to watch them dig a grave or lift a jug of water and participate in the hunt!
Dusty: Cut....Print.....
Gina: Gay! And that's a fucking wrap!
Later on, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, were in the straw hut where Randall ruled. Randall was sitting in his chair watching the natives put on for him what appears to be a play.
Dusty: What's going on?
Bullet (angerly): Ask Randall! He's making the jungle natives reeacnt the Game Show episode from Night Court!
Jungle Native #4: I catch my wagon to a tree stump!
Jungle Native #5: You're a bonehead!
Randall: NNNNNOOOO! You all left out the part about the game show where the host asks "I Catch My Food With A Long Sticky Tongue" then the geek contestant says, "I Am A Toad!"
Bullet: Randall! You and I need to talk! NOW!
Randall and Bullet exit the large straw hut. Kevin Dusty, Stanley, and Gina follow.
Bullet: You destroy everything you touch, Randall!
Randall: Come on, I'm just trying to have a little fun here! I'm a pariah back home. Here, I'm a leader again!
Bullet: You're using these natives to do degrading things for you! The jungle Native woman who was playing Christine Sullivan is a high preistess!
High Priestess: I Want To Be Your Love Slave!
Randall: None of this would've happened if you had just stayed out of the evidence locker while I was getting drunk having my one man party. You are responsible for this all the way around!
Bullet: When I invited you all here, I was hoping you wouldn't come! Yet you did, anyway!
Randall: I just wanted to make it up to you!
Bullet: Bull fucking shit. You just wanted to ruin the fun I was having here! I was jobless because of you! That's why I joined the Peace Corps so I can find some other life option!
Randall: Yeah, well you're just using this place to run away from your problems!
Bullet: Isn't that what you're doing?!
Randall: What are you talking about? Kevin's right here!
Kevin (rolls eyes): I appreciate that, Dad.
Some jungle natives screamed in the distance. The Chief and the Princess run to see what was going on.
Chief: Princess! It appears your husband is on crack cocaine!
Princess: Oh no! What'll we do!
As soon as all the jungle natives heard about Bullet's crack cocaine , they all get ready to chase the Paradise PD out of their jungle island. With their spears in their hands.
Jungle Natives: Cocaine! Cocaine! Cocaine!
Princess: I already want a divorce from that druggie!
Randall: I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere!
Dusty: Let's GO!!!!
Gina, Kevin, Dusty, Randall, Stnaley, and Bullet all run away from the Jungle Natives.
Dusty (singing): It's the Get Away Chase Gang, Get Away!
Bullet: Gotta Get Away! Get Away!
Gina: Wish I could kill these twat waffle natives!
The Natives continue to chase the Paradise PD out of their jungle island. Then pass a tiki hut which had bats flying out.
Kevin (screams): BATS! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BATS!!!
As the jungle natives still chase the Paradise PD, they throw their spears but miss. Gina catches one of the spears and kills 10 jungle natives with it. Which angered the jungle natives even more. Thankfully after 30 minutes of being chased by the jungle natives, Randall sees a seaplane with a pilot fishing.
Randall: Jacque! Start the engine! Get the plane up!
Dusty, Gina, Randall, Bullet, and Kevin all find a swinging vine as the pilot goes inside his seaplane and departs. All of them manage to reach the seaplane via the swinging vine and jumped onto the seaplane as the angry jungle natives still throw their spears at them and miss and even use poison darts. The seaplane flies away with all the Paradise PD inside. Sans Stanley.
Bullet (looking down): Uhhh, guys? I think we forgot Stanley!
The Jungle Natives were shaking their hands in the air. Vowing revenge on the Paradise PD as they fly away back home in the seaplane. Stanley stands over the water seemingly in a trance. Stanley ends up falling face down in the river riddled with darts and arrows in his back.
THE END
fanfic title:
Every Bullet Has His Day
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Quiet day at the Paradise PD Headquarters. Chief Randall Crowford was alone and enjoying it. Sending, Stanley, Dusty, Kevin, and Gina out on duty. Randall decides to have some alone time.
Randall: YES! FINALLY! Peace and quit! Elmer Fudd said it best, "Rest And Relaxation At Last!"
Deciding to have a little fun by himself. Randall drinks a bottle of beer he was saving for himself. Then begins to get drunk and turn up the radio. War By Edwin Starr begins to play and Randall sings along to it.
Randall (singing drunkenly): War! Huh! Yeah! What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!
Dobby, Robbie's and Delbert's mutated son hears the loud music that Randall was playing, then decides to join in. Dobby walks into the Paradise Police Department and begins to dance with Randall who was so drunk he didn't even notice. Dobby by mistake hits Randall over the head with a nightstick. Randall soon loses conscienceness. Dobby feeling bad stayed by Randall's side until he woke up.
Randall (waking up): Wow! I enjoyed myself too much last night! And I'm not talking masterbation!
Looking all around, Randall sees Dobby starring at him.
Dobby: Dobby! Dobby! Dobby! Dobby Dobby!
Randall: AAAAHHHHH! You fucking son of a bitch! How did you get in here!
Soon, Dobby found himself being dragged away by Randall who had him by the neck.
Randall: Dreezle! Dreezle! Drazzle! Drone! Time for this fucker to go home!
Walking over to Robbie's and Delbert's crack house, Randall screamed outside to get their attention.
Randall: Hey crack heads! DOES THIS BELONG TO YOU?!?!?!? (kicks Dobby to the crack house)
Dobby: DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY!!!!
As soon as Dobby landed though a broken window, Robbie and Delbert begin to scream and yell at each other.
Delbert: Robbie! You fix that window!
Robbie: Fuck you! I ain't gonna do that! You think I'm fucking Bob Vila!
Randall: That'll teach that miserable freak to ruin my fun!
Scene 2:
Walking back to Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was still alone. Dusty, Gina, Stanley, and Kevin were still out on duty. Randall begins to have a hangover.
Randall: Oh fuck! Now I got a hangover! Have mercy on me!
Going to the evidence room to see if there were some painkillers he can use, Randall opens the door and there was Bullet who just snorted up all the cocaine. Randall was flaming mad.
Randall: GODDAMMIT BULLET! Where the fuck have you been?
Bullet: In the evidence room. Had the best crack of my life!
Randall: I sent everyone else out on duty to have some alone time and I assumed you were with everyone else?
Bullet: I heard you had quite the party in here! And with Dobby of all people! (laughs)!
Randall: ENOUGH! Both you and Dobby are on my shit list for ruining my alone time!
Bullet: Oh come on, Randall. Give me another chance!
Randall: Too late to redeem yourself this time, Bullet! For 'cleaning' up that evidence room when you were supposed to join Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley, you are going to be my errand boy for the rest of the month!
Bullet: Is that like a servant?
Randall: That's exactly what it means!
Bullet: This is bullshit! I'm a police dog! I deserve better than this and...
Randall: Hate to tell you this but, dogs are meant to serve humans! You start your new job first thing in the morning! You get me?!
Bullet: Yes sir! (rolls eyes)
The next day, Bullet was ready for his punitive job. Dusty, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley were still out on duty. Bullet reports to the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Randall: Bullet! Glad you showed up!
Bullet: I await your orders boss!
Randall: Ha! Good I knew you'd see it my way. Go down to the Coffee House and get me a huge black cup of Folgers!
Bullet (walking out): Coming right up!
Randall (sits back in his chair): I can get used to this!
Walking down to the Coffee shop. Much to Bullet's surprise, he sees Kevin, Gina Dusty, and Stanley there.
Kevin: Bullet! Thank God! We need your help!
Bullet: You guys are at the coffee shop too?!
Dusty: If you must know, we're doing a stakeout! It feels like that Al Pacino movie Heat!
Gina: Some twat waffle inside has hostages and is threatening the place with a bomb.
Stanley: I went to get some coffee once with Audrey Hepburn at Breakfast At Tiffanys.
Bullet: Fun fact, that was also a 1990's song too.
Kevin: Why can't you join us, Bullet?
Bullet: Randall has me on some punitive thing where I have to be his servant for the next month.
Dusty: Bummer for you, Bullet. What did you do?
Bullet: Snorting up all the cocaine in the evidence room, Randall thought I was with you guys.
Gina: Good luck trying to get Randall's coffee here.
Going into the Coffee House anyway, Bullet tries to get some coffee for Randall.
Scene 3:
In the Lovely Corp Building, inside the break room. Fitz storms in holding a toothbrush like it's a weapon.
Fitz: Brett DeMarco… explain why my toothbrush smells like shoe polish.
Brett DeMarco: Maybe your mouth smells like shoe polish.
Fitz: Don’t play games with me, DeMarco.
Bursting in, punching the air. Frank Flipperfist walks into the break room.
Frank Flipperfist: Pedro Pooptooth! You dented my punching bag with your golf clubs!
Pedro Pooptooth: Your punching bag dented my golf clubs, puto!
Frank Flipperfist: Why would your golf clubs be near my punching bag?!
Pedro Pooptooth: Why would your punching bag be near my golf clubs?!
Now entering the room was Russian Mobster, holding a sad, empty lunchbox decorated with a hammer and sickle.
Russian Mobster: Marcos Narcos… you ate my communist lunches. They were for comrades only.
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! I thought they were free samples.
Russian Mobster: They were not free. They cost 1..2...3...4...5...6....7 7 dollars! They were ideological.
Everyone starts yelling over each other.
Scene 4:
Slamming a USB drive into the computer. Fitz shows him evidence.
Fitz: Enough. I have video proof.
The screen shows: Brett polishing his shoes with Fitz’s toothbrush. Frank smashing Pedro’s golf clubs into his punching bag. Pedro pounding dents out of the jet with his golf club. Marcos eating the communist lunches while humming the Soviet anthem. Everyone freezes.
Brett DeMarco: …Okay, maybe we need help.
Fitz: Exactly. Trust retreat time.
Frank Flipperfist: Oh no! Not that! Last time we were there they gave us shock boosters!
Pedro Pooptooth: Never want to go through that again!
Russian Mobster: It was very expensive. It cost 100...200...300...
Fitz: SHUT UP! I found a better one! Besides we're rich did you forget! This one is run by Chip Fuckyeah! It's called The Fuckyeah Trust Center.
Brett DeMarco: Yes this retreat is run by people just as evil as we are!
Marcos Narcos: Okay then. I'll take it.
Frank Flipperfist: Yeah me too.
Fitz, Brett, Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster and Marcos Narcos all agree to go to the new retreat.
Scene 5:
4 Weeks Later Bullet trudges into Paradise PD Headquarters, looking like a dog who’s aged ten human years in a month.
Sitting at his desk like a smug Roman emperor, Randall has his feet up, sunglasses on indoors, sipping the Folgers Bullet got him hours ago.
Randall: Bullet! Good. You’re only five minutes late today. Improvement! I’ve got a list of shit for you.
Bullet (dead inside): I live to serve, boss.
Randall: Great! First, go down to Amici and get me a large pepperoni. Extra grease. If it doesn’t soak through the box, I’m sending you back in the oven.
Bullet: Fine…
Randall: Then swing by Paradise Peeper and grab today’s newspaper. I need something to roll up and smack Kevin with when he gets back.
Bullet: Can’t wait.
Randall: Oh, and make copies of all the police reports from last night. Every single one. Even the ones Dusty wrote in crayon.
Bullet: He only writes in crayon.
Randall: Exactly! And I want them neatly stapled. None of that crooked-ass kindergarten shit you usually do.
Bullet (muttering): I swear to God I’m gonna pull a Norma Rae and unionize…
Randall: What was that?
Bullet: NOTHING! I said “I’ll get right on it,” sir!
Randall: Good. After that, go to Big Earl’s Hardware and get me a new plunger. Kevin clogged the toilet again. I don’t know what he eats, but it’s a crime against humanity.
Bullet: I’m a police dog… I used to chase criminals… now I chase plungers…
Randall: And finally—this is important—go to the Paradise Donut Shop and get me one of those cinnamon rolls with the frosting that looks like it’s been applied by a horny angel.
Bullet: Randall, this list is longer than Gina’s arrest record.
Randall: And growing! Now MOVE IT, MUTT!
Bullet drags himself out the door, mumbling curses in dog language. Randall leans back, hands behind his head, grinning.
Randall: Ahhh… every bullet does have his day. And today? It’s mine.
Scene 6:
After Bullet does all his tasks, he forgot the newspaper. So he walks into the Paradise PD Headquarters and gives Randall the copies, the pizza, plunger, and the donuts.
Randall: Great job, Bullet! Good work. You're getting to be dependable little subordinate!
Bullet: Uhhh, thanks.
Looking through all the things Bullet got for Randall, he noticed that there was no newspaper.
Randall: Uhhh, something's missing here.
Bullet: How could that be possible? I got everything but the kitchen sink, literally!
Randall: YOU FORGOT THE NEWSPAPER!
Bullet: WHAT? You are fucking kidding me! I thought I had it!
Randall: Well, I don't see it! Knowing you, you probably sold it for drug money or took a piss on it!
Bullet: I would never do THAT! I swear!
Randall: Oh bullshit! Due to your past behavior it's sounds plausible!
Bullet: I had no idea I forgot the newspaper! I swear! Give me a second chance!
Randall: No Bullet! I am sick of your excuses all the time! What do you think this is? That shitty coming of age FOX Show The OC?
Bullet: What are you going to do to me? Send me to the pound and get me euthanized like you always threatened?
Randall: You can't be responsible if you forget one thing! So you're FIRED! (screams in Bullet's face)
Bullet: You can't fire me! Because I QUIT! I've had it with all your endless errands!
Randall: That was your own fault, Bullet! You brought this all upon yourself!
Bullet: If you need me I'll be at....oh yes that's right! You don't need me! (runs away cries) Sayonara Butterball!
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all walk back to the Police Headquarters feeling victorious!
Gina: We solved the Coffee House bomb case!
Kevin: After a standoff that felt like an eternity it was worth it!
Dusty: Haven't eaten since then, off to the fridge I go! (runs away)
Stanley: What's happened to Rin Tin Tin there?
Randall: Oh you mean Bullet? I fired him
Kevin: He seemed very upset, he was actually crying.
Randall: I've had him be my errand dog for a while because he cleaned out the evidence room. Then I made him be my errand dog.
Gina: Why did you fire him?
Randall: He forgot the newspaper! Or so he said. But I know better. He possibly wanted to get back at me so he either sold the newspaper or pissed on it.
Kevin: Hope he can find a new job soon.
Randall: Let this be a lesson to all of you! If either of you fuck up in any way! You will become the new Bullet!
Stanley: I used to be an errand boy once for President Herbert Hoover!
Dusty (walks in eating a cherry pie): Did anybody try this pie? Is Big Boy still open? Dr Evil used it as a spaceship you know!
Scene 7:
Fitz along with his Lovely Corp members formerly known as the Legion of DOOOOM are now all on a bus riding down the highway with Chip Fuckyeah driving it. His choice of clothes is wearing a “TEAM BUILDING IS MY PASSION” shirt.
Chip Fuckyeah: Alright crew, today we learn trust, unity, and maybe friendship.
He stops for a hitch‑hiker.
Chip Fuckyeah: Look! A new friend to join us!
Brett DeMarco: What is this hitchhiker supposed to teach us about trust?
Fitz: Just go along with it.
The hitch‑hiker climbs aboard. He looks normal… until he doesn’t. His jaw unhinges. His eyes multiply. His spine makes a wet accordion noise.
Hitch Hiker: I hunger.
Chip Fuckyeah: …Oh no.
The monster devours Chip in one gulp.
Fitz: EVERYBODY OUT!
Frank Flipperfist: Quick to the panic room!
Marcos Narcos: Bus has a panic room!
Pedro Pooptooth: Apparantly this one does!
The Lovely Corp crew slams the door shut.
Frank Flipperfist: That thing is eating everyone!
Fitz: And looks like it's assuming our indentities!
Pedro Pooptooth: It keeps turning into us! It turned into me and tried to eat me!
Russian Mobster: It turned into my lunch and then ate me. That is political satire.
One by one, the monster shape‑shifts into crew members and drags them away. Soon only Fitz and Brett remain.
Scene 8:
Walking down the streets of Paradise. Bullet was forlorn and downtrottened.
Bullet: Being a police dog drug sniffer is all I know. What will I do for a living now?
Beamoning himself, Bullet tries to look around to see if any stores were hiring. He comes across a Victoria's Secret.
Bullet: I always did like to sniff women's undergarments. Maybe they'll hire me.
As the German Shepard was about to end the Victoria's Secret store, Camaro Bob walks out with a bag in his hand.
Camaro Bob: Hey, Bullet? Why so morbid? You're usually the happiest resident here in Paradise.
Bullet: Randall fired me.
Camaro Bob: Well that's not right. Nobody's perfect, baby.
Bullet: You see, Randall was at the police office alone and enjoying himself. He sent everyone else to do a standoff. Then he discovered me in the evidence room high on drugs.
Camaro Bob: Then it went to shit from there I bet.
Bullet: Exactly. He forced me to be his errand boy for 4 weeks. Then I forgot a stupid as newspaper. Where am I going to find a job now? Guess I can work for you at your Auto Mall, from what I heard you like to do weed.
Camaro Bob: You know, you remind me of myself. Because I was in this situation once too baby.
Bullet: Really? What happened with you?
Camaro Bob: Before I became the second richest guy in Paradise I joined this thing called The Peace Corps.
Bullet: Really? And just for that, I am NEVER going back to the Paradise PD!
Camaro Bob: You can't just run away from your problems.
Bullet: So anyway what did you do at the Peace Corps?
Camaro Bob: Once I joined. Two days later I was already two continents away.
Bullet: Wow?
Camaro Bob: Yep but 6000 miles and all the dope I can smoke still could not separate me from my problems.
When Bullet listened to Camaro Bob's story. He gets an idea.
Bullet: Hold that thought. Your story just inspired me!
Camaro Bob: Wow! That's very flattering baby.
Bullet gets out a pen and paper he always carries on him, and writes a letter.
Camaro Bob: You're probably wondering why I'm at Victoria's Secret. This is some sexy lingerie I'm making my models wear.
Bullet: Have a nice life, Camaro Bob! And thank you!
Camaro Bob: I already have a nice life with All American Orgies! Glad I helped him out!
Bullet got done writing the letter then he goes to Mrs Whiskers.
Mrs Whiskers: Hey Bullet. You coming back for a handjob?
Bullet: Give this letter to the Paradise PD Headquarters!
Mrs Whiskers: OKay! You're my favorite customer anyway.
Bullet (looks up in the sky): Fuck you Paradise! Thanks for nothing! Bullet is joining the Peace Corp!
Scene 9:
Four days have passed since Bullet left town for the Peace Corp. Mrs Whiskers comes into the Paradise PD Headquarters.
Mrs Whiskers: Uhhh, telegram!
Stanley: I got a telegram once when I was performing at the USO in Iwo Jima!
Gina (takes the letter): Thanks Mrs Whiskers.
Kevin and Dusty walk into the room.
Dusty: I miss Bullet.
Kevin: I do too. I'll never forget him.
Dusty: Not to mention his fun drug filled antics.
Gina: This letter is from him! Let's all read it.
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley all read the letter.
Dusty: Oh no! He's....he's.....gone.
Randall was reading some arrest report papers, and Kevin runs into the conference room.
Kevin: Dad! Dad! We just heard from Bullet!
Randall: Bet he's begging to come back.
Gina: That's the thing in this letter he wrote. He's not coming back!
Randall: Good! One last thing to worry about. At least the evidence locker will be full again.
Dusty: No! You don't understand, Randall! Bullet is gone forever! He ran away and joined the Peace Corps!
Randall reads the letter and begins to laugh.
Dusty: Where ever Bullet I hope he's happy.
Gina: In the letter it says he's going to South America!
Randall: Where the hell would he get an idea like that?
Dusty: Do we know someone who used to be in the Peace Corps? Was it Jeff Daniels? Do we know Jeff Daniels?
Stanley: The letter says that Camaro Bob guy had something to do with it.
Randall: Hand me the phone!
Kevin gives Randall the phone and he uses it to call Camaro Bob.
Camaro Bob: You reached the auto mall of Camaro Bob!
Randall: Camaro Bob! This is Randall Crawford of the Paradise PD! Did you encourage Bullet to run away and join the Peace Corps?
Camaro Bob: Woah! You're sounding really loaded, baby. Yes he did get the idea from me, baby!
Randall: What the fuck is wrong with you?!?! I was only going to fire him for a while then give him his job back.
Camaro Bob: I didn't do it on purpose! And before you fly off the handle, the dog was confused. Obviously this experience could be good for him.
Randall: Yeah well fuck you anyway! I won't be buying a car from you ever again! If Bullet never comes back you'll be hearing from my lawyer! Good riddance you horny ass cocksucker!! (slams phone)
Scene 10:
On Chip Fuckyeah's Bus. Fitz and Brett huddle together. They were nowhere near Chip Fuckyeah's Trust Center.
Brett DeMarco: We’re the last ones.
Fitz: Then we stick together. No more toothbrush crimes.
Suddenly Chip appears, perfectly fine, holding a bowling ball.
Chip Fuckyeah: Hey guys! Surprise! It was all part of the trust retreat! The monster is harmless! Everyone’s safe! We’re having a bowling game!
Brett DeMarco: …Bowling?
Fitz: You faked your own fucking death?
Chip Fuckyeah: Yup! And the monster is actually named Glerp. He’s very friendly once he’s eaten.
Glerp (now a cute blob): Hiii!
Fitz and Brett stare at Chip. Then they vaporize him with a disintegration ray.
Brett DeMarco: That felt… cleansing.
Fitz: He really should’ve led with “bowling.”
Chip Fuckyeah: Why did you do that for? Glerp was the key to getting you all to trust each other again!
Brett DeMarco: Because you used that thingamajig to kill our friends!
Fitz: Like Mel Gibson in Ransom! GIVE ME BACK MY FRIENDS!
Scene 11:
Meanwhile on an airplane. Flying to South America. A Peace Corps member was giving Bullet some instructions. Bullet had on a parachute as did the Peace Corps member.
Member: OKay Bullet. We're approaching your assigned village. Tell the people to work together and drink clean water. Oh and by the way the word 'colored' still flies down there so get your fill. (pushes Bullet off the plane)
Bullet (screaming): WWWWOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The parachute opens and Bullet lands into a jungle village full of natives. Once Bullet got out of the parachute the jungle natives look at him with confusion. And speak broken English.
Jungle Native #1: Look! Dog!
Jungle Native #2: Should eat it?
Then the chief comes over to introduce himself to Bullet.
Chief: Hello! I am Head Chief of this village. Welcome here canine friend. Our air is clean our food is bountiful and our water is caffeine free! Never had it HA HA! Never will!
Then the chief introduces Bullet to his daughter.
Chief: This is my daughter! She is the Princess of this island.
Bullet was lovestruck and smitten with her.
Princess (pinches Bullet's cheek): You're a cute one yes you are!
Bullet: Yeah I get that a lot!
Chief: And this is my son the Prince and my Cousin Vinny!
Vinny: Give me a word, any word! And I'll pronounce it funny for a nickel!
Bullet: Wow! This sure beats working at the Police Station with that asshole Randall! From now on this is my new home! Think I'll call Kevin! (reaches for his cellphone.)
Back in Paradise PD Headquarters, Kevin was eating lunch worried sick about Bullet. with Dusty, Gina, Randall, and Stanley.
Dusty; Hey Kevin. Something on your mind?
Gina: You haven't said a word.
Kevin: I'm just worried about Bullet. Hope he's okay.
Randall: It's been a week since Bullet left. Forget about him already!
Scene 12:
Fate has twisted it's hand. Kevin's cellphone rings.
Kevin (answers): Hello?
Bullet: Kevin!
Kevin: Bullet! Are you okay? How are you doing, buddy?
Bullet: I'm awesome! Never been better!
Randall (grabs phone): Bullet buddy! Thank God you're okay!
Bullet: Yeah, like you care, Randall! You're the reason why I ran away.
Dusty (grabs phone): Hey Bullet! Glad to hear you're well. This has been driving me bonkers. Who's the lead actor on that show Midnight Caller?
Bullet: Uhhh, Gary Cole? I'm surprised anyone remembers that show.
Gina (grabs phone): What exactly are you doing down there?
Bullet: Oh relax Gina! I'm having an awesome time!
Stanley (grabs phone): You people knocked me off the Wifi! Whatever that is.
Gina: Are you ever coming back?
Randall: How's the food in South America?
Stanley: Do the men have exposed crotches?
Bullet: I'll be home in the month after I finish my mission. By then my spat with Randall will have been all forgotten about.
Dusty: All right, Bullet. Take care of yourself.
Bullet: OKay bye! (hangs up)
Randall runs away.
Kevin: Wow, wonder what's going on with Dad.
Scene 13:
To drown his sorrows for what he did to Bullet. Randall hits the bar and begins to drink himself into a stupor.
Bartender: What'll be police chief?
Randall: Something that will cure my conscience.
Bartender: Schlitz on the rocks!
Three hours later, Randall was wasted on Schlitz. Robbie and Delbert came into the bar.
Robbie: Hey, Bartender! Heard you got some Schlitz!
Delbert: It's a fan favorite of beers!
Robbie and Delbert Yelp in shock when they see Randall drunken and naked.
Delbert: Holy fuck! Chief Randall!
Robbie: What happened to your pants?!?!?!
Randall (drunk and slurring): Well look who's here! Mr I Don't Have Time For Your Varsity Football Games! (throws bottle) Come here you son of a bitch!
Beginning to sob, Randall hugs Robbie and Delbert who are both feeling extremely awkward.
Randall (crying and crunk): Why do you close your eyes when we make love!
Suddenly out of the blue, Randall is hit with a chair from behind. It was Camaro Bob.
Robbie: Thank you Camaro Bob!
Delbert: I never want to know what it's like to get hugged by a naked drunk fat man again!
Randall: Camaro Bob! Why did you do that for?
Camaro Bob: Bullet happens to be a very good friend of mine! And when anyone messes with my friends, they're going to feel the wrath of my Kenpo Karate!
Randall soon finds himself getting beaten up by Camaro Bob.
Robbie: This reminds me of that scene from Fight Club!
Delbert: More like the one from Desperado!
When Camaro Bob was done beating up Randall. He decides to talk some sense into him.
Camaro Bob: You're going to do everything you can to get Bullet back and give him back his job! We clear!
Randall: Yeah, Clar!
Camaro Bob: Good (drop kicks Randall) It's all your fault Bullet ran away from his problems! And it's your responsibility as a man and a police chief to give him back his job!
Randall (slurs): Thanks! I needed that! (collapses)
Scene 14:
Chip Fuckyeah's bus was now at the Paradise Bowling Alley. The rest of the Lovely Corp crew bowls happily.
Frank bowls a strike. Pedro bowls a gutter ball. Russian Mobster bowls a ball so hard it sparks. Glerp cheers for everyone.
Marcos Narcos: Fitz! Brett! Over here!
Russian Mobster: Turns out that glerp thing transported us all here.
Frank Flipperfist: Where’s Chip?
Pedro Pooptooth: Probably doing trust exercises.
Fitz: Well, I guess this concludes our story.
Brett DeMarco: Now that we got our trust back. I guess it's safe to say.
Everyone shrugs and keeps bowling. After their bowling game was over Fitz and Brett sit on the couch, watching TV. The news anchor Kurt Connors speaks.
Kurt Connors: Authorities continue searching for missing Gun Rights Activist Chip Fuckyeah. Police suspect homicide. A reward of 1 million dollars will be given to anyone who turns in the murderer. If two criminals are involved, whoever turns in the other will receive 2 million dollars and walk free.
Fitz and Brett slowly turn toward each other. Their eyes narrow. Their smiles sharpen. Then they both look at the telephone. Silence. Tension. Comedy.
Scene 15:
Back in South America. Bullet gets to know The Jungle Princess Better as they walk around.
Princess: Thank you for bringing water to our island.
Bullet: That was the job I was sent to do.
Princess (takes out a loincloth): This is what all the men wear so I am giving it to you as a special gift.
Bullet: Wow! I don't think I'll ever go back to Paradise!
Trying on the loincloth, Bullet admires himself in it.
Bullet: Well will you look at me! I'm a regular Johnny Weismuller! Me Tarzan! You Jane!
The Princess laughs as the Chief and all other jungle natives engage in a song and dance. Bullet does a dance with the jungle natives. To the J Giles Band Song Freeze Frame. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. When the dance stopped The Chief had an announcement to make.
Chief: By participating in this dance, you are here by married to my daughter!
Bullet: WHAT?!?! Am I missing something here? Did I forget to read the fine print or something!
Chief: My daughter is 21 if that was what you were worried about.
Bullet: It's perfect! I'm that age in dog years! At least in my mind I am!
Princess: Come on brave hero. Let's make love!
Bullet: Wowee wow! Before we do can I talk to my friends back home first?
Princess: Sure. I want our relationship to allow each other to still keep in touch with your friends back home.
Bullet: I'm going to tell them I'm never coming back! Stupid gay ass fucking Randall!
Scene 16 Conclusion:
Back at Paradise PD Headquarters. The phone rings and Kevin answers it.
Kevin: Hello! Oh hi Bullet! (to Dusty, Gina, and Stanley): You guys it's Bullet!
Dusty, Gina, and Stanley gather around to listen. The phone call was one sided.
Kevin: So, how's it going on South America? Wow that's awesome! You meet a girl? A princess! You married her! You're really moving on up in the East Side there! You're not coming back. Well we're going to miss you. What? You're inviting us to come visit you for a final goodbye? Okay, sounds good. It won't be the same without you. We'll be there when we can. What? No Randall? Sure thing! Thank you, bye.
Dusty: Bullet got married?
Gina: He's not coming back?
Stanley: Final goodbye? That's my job.
Randall runs inside as people from Paradise were chasing him with torches and pitchforks and even throwing eggs and tomatoes at him in anger.
Gina: You getting chased by twat waffles? Let me at 'em? I'll know what to do with them.
Randall: No you don't have to.
Dusty: Why are you being chased around like you're Ted Bundy?
Randall (breaths) Let me explain. I'm now a pariah! Camaro Bob turned the whole town against me after for what I did to Bullet! Even animal rights groups are after me.
Kevin: Funny you should say that. We just heard from Bullet. He's invited us to come visit him in South America.
Randall: Then South America we shall go! Anything to get away from this fucking angry mob! Pack your bags!
Momentarily, Randall, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley were on a plane to South America.
Dusty: We traveling overseas a earlier this year.
Kevin: Yeah the whole Indonesia thing with that poor dog who was being exploited and those sickening honeycomb removal videos.
Gina: I predict once Bullet's wife finds out he's on drugs, she'll dump him in a New York minute.
Stanley: Want to know someone who has failed marriages? Joan Crawford!
The airplane pilot has an announcement.
Pilot: Folks, this is your captain speaking......
Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Stanley, and Randall ignore the pilot's announcement.
Gina: Have you figured out where we're going to find Bullet?
Randall: We're policemen. We can track anyone anywhere!
By the time the Paradise PD arrive on the South American Island where Bullet now resided. Bullet and the Princess come to greet them.
Bullet: Hey, guys! Glad you can make it!
Kevin: Wow, Bullet. Don't you think this place is a little too primitive for you?
Gina: Hate what they did to this place.
Bullet: Not at all. There's no laws here. It's perfect for me. (sees Randall) What's he doing here??!?!! I came here to run away from him.
Randall: I just want to make it up to you, Bullet. Now I'm hated all over turn because of what I did to you.
Bullet: Oh? Is that so! I said in that phone call to Kevin that I didn't want you to come here! (To Kevin): Did you miss the memo?
Kevin: Sorry!
Stanley (looks at the natives): Wow, sure wish I can dress like that.
Gina: We all came to visit you for your last goodbye.
Bullet: OKay let me introduce you to everyone! This is the chief and....
Just before Bullet can introduce his friends to the jungle natives. Randall takes out his wallet.
Randall: There has to be some kind of technology around here? Anyone here heard of ATM Machines?
As soon as Randall waved the money out of his wallet, all the jungle natives bowed down to him.
Randall: Hmmmmmm. Maybe this place won't be so bad after all.
Dusty: Cheese and taters, Randall! they think you're a God and something or other!
Chief: Obese man nailed it! You are now our new ruler!
Overtime, the Jungle Natives give Randall a huge straw hut in live in. Then the jungle natives all serve him. Bullet and Kevin are in the hut as well.
Randall: Ahhh, this is the life! I went from being the most hated man in Paradise to the most beloved man in this South American Island!
Bullet: You stay away from my wife!
Randall: Too late! She's giving me a massage! She likes me better now!
Kevin (sees Vinnie): There's even a Mob Boss looking guy here!
Vinnie: Ask me to say something and I'll say it funny for a nickel!
Kevin: OKay....pajamas..
Vinnie: You got it! (in eggerated accent): PUH-JA-MAS!
Randall throws a nickel at Vinnie.
Bullet: He's only been here thirty minutes and he's already taken over that is rightfully mine!
Randall: That's because I came here with money! Did you, nope! Finders Keepers! Losers Weepers! (laughs)
Kevin: We used to say that in the first grade. Wonder how Dusty, Gina, and Stanley are doing?
In another part of the island. Stanley was doing a documentary while some jungle natives behind him were chopping up a tree while Dusty and Gina were filiming him on their cellphones.
Stanley: The native man is the closest physical specimen. Look closely as we see their seemingly muscular form and their usual vitality! It would be thrilling to watch them dig a grave or lift a jug of water and participate in the hunt!
Dusty: Cut....Print.....
Gina: Gay! And that's a fucking wrap!
Later on, Dusty, Gina, Stanley, were in the straw hut where Randall ruled. Randall was sitting in his chair watching the natives put on for him what appears to be a play.
Dusty: What's going on?
Bullet (angerly): Ask Randall! He's making the jungle natives reeacnt the Game Show episode from Night Court!
Jungle Native #4: I catch my wagon to a tree stump!
Jungle Native #5: You're a bonehead!
Randall: NNNNNOOOO! You all left out the part about the game show where the host asks "I Catch My Food With A Long Sticky Tongue" then the geek contestant says, "I Am A Toad!"
Bullet: Randall! You and I need to talk! NOW!
Randall and Bullet exit the large straw hut. Kevin Dusty, Stanley, and Gina follow.
Bullet: You destroy everything you touch, Randall!
Randall: Come on, I'm just trying to have a little fun here! I'm a pariah back home. Here, I'm a leader again!
Bullet: You're using these natives to do degrading things for you! The jungle Native woman who was playing Christine Sullivan is a high preistess!
High Priestess: I Want To Be Your Love Slave!
Randall: None of this would've happened if you had just stayed out of the evidence locker while I was getting drunk having my one man party. You are responsible for this all the way around!
Bullet: When I invited you all here, I was hoping you wouldn't come! Yet you did, anyway!
Randall: I just wanted to make it up to you!
Bullet: Bull fucking shit. You just wanted to ruin the fun I was having here! I was jobless because of you! That's why I joined the Peace Corps so I can find some other life option!
Randall: Yeah, well you're just using this place to run away from your problems!
Bullet: Isn't that what you're doing?!
Randall: What are you talking about? Kevin's right here!
Kevin (rolls eyes): I appreciate that, Dad.
Some jungle natives screamed in the distance. The Chief and the Princess run to see what was going on.
Chief: Princess! It appears your husband is on crack cocaine!
Princess: Oh no! What'll we do!
As soon as all the jungle natives heard about Bullet's crack cocaine , they all get ready to chase the Paradise PD out of their jungle island. With their spears in their hands.
Jungle Natives: Cocaine! Cocaine! Cocaine!
Princess: I already want a divorce from that druggie!
Randall: I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere!
Dusty: Let's GO!!!!
Gina, Kevin, Dusty, Randall, Stnaley, and Bullet all run away from the Jungle Natives.
Dusty (singing): It's the Get Away Chase Gang, Get Away!
Bullet: Gotta Get Away! Get Away!
Gina: Wish I could kill these twat waffle natives!
The Natives continue to chase the Paradise PD out of their jungle island. Then pass a tiki hut which had bats flying out.
Kevin (screams): BATS! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BATS!!!
As the jungle natives still chase the Paradise PD, they throw their spears but miss. Gina catches one of the spears and kills 10 jungle natives with it. Which angered the jungle natives even more. Thankfully after 30 minutes of being chased by the jungle natives, Randall sees a seaplane with a pilot fishing.
Randall: Jacque! Start the engine! Get the plane up!
Dusty, Gina, Randall, Bullet, and Kevin all find a swinging vine as the pilot goes inside his seaplane and departs. All of them manage to reach the seaplane via the swinging vine and jumped onto the seaplane as the angry jungle natives still throw their spears at them and miss and even use poison darts. The seaplane flies away with all the Paradise PD inside. Sans Stanley.
Bullet (looking down): Uhhh, guys? I think we forgot Stanley!
The Jungle Natives were shaking their hands in the air. Vowing revenge on the Paradise PD as they fly away back home in the seaplane. Stanley stands over the water seemingly in a trance. Stanley ends up falling face down in the river riddled with darts and arrows in his back.
THE END
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