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A/N My friends have turned me onto this Tubi series Breaking Bear! My wife loved it, I did as well. However we did not like how the season finale ended. So that’s why I wrote this fanfic. Read and review when you’re done reading it.
Breaking Bear
Fanfic title:
Submarine Meth-Wich
By Trenton Sands.
Scene 1:
When we last left off Blair was getting kidnapped on a helicopter by a polar bear named Wilfred. Who wanted to take her to the arctic to make her his meth cooking slave. Wilfred first met Blair when she was kidnapped and chained up by bikers forced to make meth for them until Wilfred came disguised as Kanye West. Jer, Allistair, and Tawny all watch apathetically.
Jer: Well, I guess I’m in charge of this meth business now.
Suddenly, just when the ending credits were about to roll, the filmstrip of the episode The Ultimate Climax which is the season finale was cut in half. Jer, Blair, and Allistair come out to explain what happened.
Jer: Due to circumstances beyond our control…..
Blair: We had to destroy this season finale cliffhanger.
Allistair (shows a pair of scissors): Actually it didn’t really break! (laughs)
Jer: Way to pull a Bugs Bunny there, Allistair.
Allistair: Ain’t I a stinker!
Jer: You’d think we’d let the season finale end like that? Blair getting kidnapped and taken to fuck knows where and we’re moving on without her?
Allistair: Who knows if we’ll return for another season!
Blair: Anyway, this is our REAL season finale! Roll the tapes.
Jer: Oh, and did we mention it’s an hour long?
Allistair: For those of you viewing at home The Ultimate Climax has been obliterated! SO now enjoy this even better season finale called Submarine Meth-Wich!
Scene 2:
The scene opens with Kanye West in the helicopter as he throws Allistair off because Blair told him to pull the ladder. Kanye West then hones in on Blair.
Blair: Oh fuck no! I don’t want to have another encounter with you again! I’m gone!
Jumping out of the helicopter. Blair lands into the flooded waters. Swims her way to land and rejoins Tawny, Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Allistair: Wow, Blair! You could beat Super Dave Osbourne in a world record with that jump.
Blair: Kayne West was there.
Allistair: Sorry, Blair. I had no idea he was coming up that ladder.
Blair: It’s not your fault. How were you supposed to know?
Jer: The helicopter is flying without a pilot!
Tawny: This could be the big news story of my career!
Jer, Blair, Allistair, and Tawny all watch the helicopter crash into a mountain.
Allistair: Now he really is Black Je, I mean Yeesus!
Jer: His ego was bigger than Flava Flav’s!
Tawny: Jer, do you still have that bed we had sex on when the flood was going on?
Jer: Shit! It’s gone!
A submarine came to pick up Jer, Tawny, Blair, and Allistair. The four of them enter.
Tawny: A submarine? Never been in one of these before! Imagine, Jer, we can make Tiktok videos of ourselves and start The 10000 Feet Deep Club!
Jer: Love it, Tawny! Anyway, I’m baffled. Where did this submarine come from?
Blair: Who cares if it’s our only way out, let’s take it.
Allistair, Tawny, Blair, and Jer all enter the submarine. Once they come inside. They were impressed with the layouts.
Blair: Wow, it’s beautiful here! So roomy! We can cook our meth here. Better than that trailer Dwight Salter let us have.
Allistair: Wow, this is just like the one submarine in Down Periscope.
Jer: More like The Land That Time Forgot.
Touring the Submarine, Tawny screams as she sees Kanye West laying on the floor as if he’s been mutilated.
Jer (screaming) Yeesus is DEAD!
Tawny: Another thing to add to my story! A crime scene and the death of a celebrity! People crave celebrity deaths!
Allistair: Whoever did this sure did a number on him.
Blair (looks closely as Kanye) Wait a minute, this looks like a costume.
Looking more closely, Jer, Blair, Allistair, and Tawny now see that the bloodied Kayne West was actually a costume. Then the four of them hear sarcastic clapping. Turning their heads they see a polar bear who was wearing a White Lives Matter shirt approaching before them. Also he was holding some melons in his arms. His name was Wilfred.
Wilfred: Well played my friends. Well played indeed! Don’t pay any attention to these melons. They’re my property!
Jer: I’m getting Hannibal Lecter vibes from this asshole!
Wilfred: Welcome to my submarine. My name is Wilfred.
Blair: Are you a friend or foe?
Wilfred: No need to worry. I’m on your side. In fact, how about we put aside our racial differences and work together to make our own meth. What do you say to that?
Tawny: I love diversity! So wonderful!
In a twist of fate, Wilfred lowers the submarine deep into the flooded waters. That sends Tawny, Blair, Jer, and Allistair flying around.
Scene 3:
It landed hard after the submarine submerged. Jer, Blair, Tawny, and Blair who think Wilfred is on their side. Want to sing a song.
Jer: You know what. Now that we have Wilfred in our corner. This calls for a song!
Blair: Let me guess, Yellow Submarine?
Jer: Even better! The Sex Pistols Sub Mission!
Allstair: I know that one! I’m On A Submarine Mission For You, Baby!
Wilfred: All right! Enough of this fucking nonsense!
Once the submarine was finally deep in the waters. Wilfred explains why he dressed as Kanye West.
Wilfred: You see, I put on this Kanye West costume because I wanted to keep my identity a secret.
Jer: Okay, so…..
Wilfred: When I was in the helicopter, when I made it explode, it morphed into this submarine.
Blair: How the fuck is that even possible!
Wilfred: Can’t argue with cartoon logic!
Allistair: How did I know he was going to say that!
Wilfred: I followed Blair around and that’s how I found out you all are bears who cook meth to save your forest. You’d be surprised with what tracking apps can do! I have followed your every move since you started this meth bullshit!
Blair: (rolls eyes): Great. I have a stalker.
Wilfred: Why? Because I knew all four of you dumbasses were stupid enough to fall for this!
Tawny: I thought you were a friend!!!
Wilfred: No I’m not! Now with this submarine, I will take all four of you to the arctic so you can ALL be my slaves and make meth for me! (points to Tawny) And that includes you, you ditzy bimbo bitch!
Tawny and Allistair begin to laugh uncontrollably.
Jer: Hey! Why are you two laughing for!
Blair: We’re prisoners in his corrupt game! Don’t you get it?
Tawny: Does this mean we’re stowaways?
Scene 4:
As the submarine was sailing in the flood waters. Wilfred sits down to eat. Tawny, Allistair, Jer and Blair all stand over him and watch.
Wilfred: While you guys are in my submarine, you will do everything I tell you to! If you want to live!
Tawny: OKay. hee hee I’m willing to do anything at this point.
Wilfred: Like Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. I AM THE COMMANDER OF THIS SHIP!
Allistair: Ship? It’s a sub! Did you forget?
Jer: What are you having to eat? Can we have some too?
Wilfred: This is all for me! (pulls out the corpse of Armie Hammer)
Allistair: Holy fuck! You killed Armie Hammer?!?! (under his breath) serves him right for making that shitty Lone Ranger movie.
Tawny: Come on! Have a heart! Give us a piece of Armie Hammer!
Jer: Me and Tawny are into cannibalism!
Blair: I get dibs on his penis!
Wilfred gets out a meat cleaver and starts to chop the corpse of Armie Hammer.
Jer: Uhhh, you know you can’t eat him all by yourself……
Wilfred (slams meat cleaver): I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH! Leave me alone!
As soon as the meat cleaver slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse, a piece of his arm landed in Jer’s mouth.
Wilfred: Don’t you understand English! I said I don’t have enough! (slams meat cleaver)
The meat cleaver Wilfred used slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse again, and a piece of foot landed in Tawny’s mouth.
Wilfred: When I say shut up! I mean shut up! I’m telling you for the last time, shut up! (slams meat cleaver)
The meat cleaver Wilfred used slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse for a third time, and two pieces of torso landed in Blair’s and Allistair’s mouth.
Wilfred: I will beat your heads in! I will rape every hole in your body! Don’t bother me anymore! Go away, I'm starving! I’ll call you when I need you!
Allistair finds a mannequin and when Wilfred wasn’t looking, he pushed Armie Hammer’s corpse off the table and replaced him with the mannequin.
Wilfred: You’re keeping me from eating! Now leave me the fucking hell alone!
Allistair: Now don’t get excited. Go on and eat!
Wilfred bit into the mannequin. Without noticing he was eating the mannequin instead of Armie Hammer. Wilfred sighed in content. Then tries to look for garlic mumbling under his breath. “Now where did I put that garlic?” Jer finds some pepper in a glass shaker. He sprinkles the pepper into his hand.
Tawny: Hey Wilfred!
Jer blows the pepper into Wilfred’s face. Wilfred begins to sneeze like crazy.
Allistair (takes Armie Hammer’s corpse): Let’s get out of here before he brings back covid! Right face! Left hut!
Tawny, Jer, and Blair all follow Allistair while Wilfred continues to sneeze.
Scene 5:
The submarine begins to emerge and shakes back and forth. Tawny, Jer, Blair,and Allistair were all enjoying eating Armie Hammer’s dead body.
Allistair: Ahhh! Delicious! If only we had some meth!
Blair: If only the Wolf Queen can see us now!
Tawny: Hey I’m eating the foot? Does this mean I have a foot fetish?
Jer: Don’t mean much to me if you do!
Suddenly sea sickness hits Jer, Tawny, and Blair. But not Allistair.
Jer: I wish I hadn’t eaten so much! Now I don’t feel so good.
Blair: Me too! If only this sub would stop wobbling like a fucking dildo!
Tawny: I’m done with this. Gotta watch my figure.
Allistair: Oh softies! Can’t take it, hey? (laughs)
Tawny, Blair, and Jer all fall to the floor feeling sick. Allistair remains standing. Taking the pieces of Armie Hammer from Tawny, Jer, and Blair to eat it himself.
Allistair: I’ll finish it for you! Give me the high seas! Give me the salty water…(munching and laughing).....they can’t take it! We’re supposed to be tough bears who make meth!
After a while, Allistair starts to fall ill and vomits into a FIRE ONLY bucket. The bucket tips and lands all over Jer. Who is really mad.
Jer: Why did you vomit on me? Go on, beat it!
Allistair walks away and opens a window to the sub. He sniffs the water and a huge wave of water splashes on Allistair. Then Allistair opens the window again and waves at the water. Taking a quick peek, Allistair ducks again. Getting up and breathing the fresh air an even bigger wave hits Allistair makes him all wet. Momentarily nightful has arrived. Jer, Blair, and Tawny were sleeping on hard boxes. As was Wilfred. Allistair finds a swinging hammock.
Allistair: Shit for brains sleeping on boxes! I’ll swing myself to sleep!
Struggling to get on the hammock a few times. Allistair finally makes it on. Then he lights up some meth he was saving and smokes it.
Allistair: Time for a little peace and quiet.
After smoking the meth. Allistair throws a lit match into a rolling garbage can. Then falls asleep and snores. The submarine was still sailing in the choppy waters. Allistair was asleep on the hammock and the rolling garbage can was moving back and forth with a fiery blaze on top. Until such a time the garbage can rolls under Allistair as he was still snoring. The fire was set on the strings of the hammock and then it broke and landed Allistair into the fiery garbage can.
Allistair: HELP! HELP! HELP! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!
Scene 6:
Morning had come. Tawny was sleeping on a wooden box with Allistair sleeping on top of her. Jer and Blair woke up.
Jer: That was a great sleep!
Blair: Best I’ve had in a while.
Jer yelps as Blair looks at her older brother with concern.
Blair: What’s the matter?
Jer: Allistair is sleeping with my girl!
Blair and Jer gasp as they see Tawny and Allistair sleep together. Jer slaps Allistair.
Allistair: What was that for?
Jer: You fucked Tawny, didn’t you?
Allistair: No! A hammock I was using caught fire and she let me sleep on her bed.
Tawny: It’s true. We didn’t do anything.
Jer: Okay I believe you. (to Allistair) Consider this a warning….
Allistair: All right! All right! I get the point!
Blair: Now, how are we going to get out of here and defeat Wilfred?
Allistair: Can we eat first?
Tawny: Yes, I’m starving too.
Jer: You know I thought I saw Wilfred sleep with some watermelons?
Allistair: He’s having sex with watermelons?
Blair: No he’s using them as a pillow. Maybe there’s something inside the watermelons we can use against him!
Jer: After all he told us not to pay attention to them.
Tawny: Ooooh! A spy story! This’ll be so cool for my career!
Walking over to where Wilfred was sleeping. Blair, Jer, Tawny, and Allistair all grabbed the melons while Wilfred was asleep. Tawny used her head to push another melon out from under Wilfred’s head. Jer, Blair, and Allistair make way with the melons and Tawny is stuck under Wilfred’s head.
Jer (opening the melon): HEY-YAHHH!!!
Blair: Check what’s inside.
Jer: (clawing the melon) This melon has big seeds.
Clawing out the inside of the watermelon. Jer takes out an iphone and begins to play it. Allistair, Jer, and Blair all watch its contents.
Jer: Son of a bitch! This guy’s been stalking us!
Allistair: He’s pulling a Nightcrawler on us!
Blair: He planned to expose us for making meth to stop fracking and save our forest!
Jer: No wonder Wilfred acted so mysteriously! Holy fuck! He even has me eating Jesse, Tawny’s brother!
Allistair: Yeah, no wonder he wanted to kidnap us all!
Tawny sneezed which woke up Wilfred. Who quickly notices his melons are gone.
Wilfred (whispers gruffly): The melons!
Soon after, Wilfred sees Tawny was under his head.
Tawny: Hi! You up for an interview! I have connections to E Entertainment!
Wilfred grabs Tawny and takes her hostage.
Jer: If he exposes us, he’ll turn us over to the authorities!
Blair: You’re right. Worst case scenario the wolves will take over our forest while we’re in prison.
Allistair: Or a zoo.
Wilfred forces Tawny to walk with him over to Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Jer: Now we’ll hold these iphone for safekeeping while we find a way to get rid of Wilfred.
Wilfred: That’s what you think!
Jer: That’s what I said!
Allstair, Blair, and Jer yelp as they see Wilfred standing behind him holding Tawny hostage with a knife.
Tawny: Jer help me! I’m having a damsel in distress moment here!
Wilfred pulls a knife on the bear siblings. Blair punches Wilfred in the gut. Tawny runs. Jer, Blair, Tawny, and Allistair all run in opposite directions. Wilfred chases Allistair with a knife.
Allistair: WOAH!!!
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE!
Allistair runs away and Wilfred catches up to him. He chases the youngest bear sibling around a box. Jer and Blair find a swinging spring board next to the fire bucket.
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE! GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I’LL KILL YOU! (points a knife)
Jer releases the spring board and it hits Wilfred square in the back of the head.
Blair: Good job, big brother.
Jer: That took care of him!
Tawny walks into the direction of the spring board and gets knocked out.
Scene 7 Conclusion:
Jer and Blair try to revive Tawny.
Blair: Oh no, Tawny!
Jer: My girl! We can’t let her die!
Blair: We need to snap her out of this.
Jer: Allistair, take care of Wilfred!
Wilfred begins to regain his mobility and Allstair begins to taunt him!
Allistair: Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Up your ass with a rubber brass!
Song: Gothic Pink by Tommy Heavenly 6 plays.
Wilfred roars in anger chasing Allstair all over the submarine. Into a hallway full of doors. Allistair uses the doors to walk in and out to confuse Wilfred as he does the same.
Allstair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: YYYAAAAAHHHHH!
Allistair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: GGGGRRRRRR!!!
Jer and Blair finally revive Tawny.
Tawny: Am I at the Golden Globes?
Jer: No you’re still in this stupid submarine.
Blair (watches Allistair chase Wilfred): That’s our Allistair!
Jer finds some dynamite in a box.
Blair: Why are you looking at the dynamite?
Jer: We can use it to escape, blow up everything in this submarine with Wilfred inside and that evidence he has against us!
Blair: Wow! Like the way you think!
Wilfred was tired from running around chasing after Allistair, who then sneaks up behind him and kicks his ass and punches his face.
Allistair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: WHY YOU DIRTY!
Allistair tries to get away from Wilfred by jumping over a box only to have Allistair land in some watermelons. Wilfred was getting even more angerier by the minute.
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE! GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I’LL KILL YOU!
Allistair (still getting chased by WIlfred): NO DON’T!
Jer, Blair, and Tawny all set some dynamite sticks all over the submarine.
Tawny: What’s the use of these birthday candles?
Jer: They’re dynamite sticks! We’ll use them to blow up this submarine.
Blair: Got a match Tawny.
Tawny: Does a hairpin work?
Jer: Yeah, sure.
Wilfred now has Allistair cornered.
Allistair: You keep away from me! And my siblings! You’ll never succeed in exposing us!
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE!
Allistair uses the watermelons stuck to his feet to kick them off and both watermelons land square on Wilfred’s head. The watermelons didn’t phase Wilfred at all as he was still determined as ever to destroy Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Allistair: Bullseye motherfucker! (laughs)
Jer (kisses the spring board): Do you stuff, baby!
Throwing the springboard in Wilfred’s direction. It misses and hits Allistair by mistake.
Jer: SHIT! WHO CARES! I’LL TAKE HIM DOWN MYSELF!
Walking causally up to Wilfred who was trying to frisk Allistair, Jer has the springboard in his hands.
Jer: MR WILFRED!
Wilfred: YES??!?!
Jer knocks out Wilfred with flying colors. Then uses a rope to tie him up. Blair helps.
Blair: In the original season finale, he tied me up! Oh how the tables have turned!
Jer: Exactly! This season finale is way better than The Ultimate Climax!
Allistair (regains consciousness): Even though I have a horrible hangover from getting beaten and knocked on my ass. I’m really happy we won out!
Tawny: Hey guys! I lighted all the dynamite sticks!
Blair: This is our chance!
Jer: Let’s go!
Allistair: How do we get out? We’re in the middle of these flood waters!
Jer: We swim our way back, that’s what!
Tawny, Blair, Jer, and Allistair all open an emergency exit door with their brute strength and all jump off the submarine. And swam into the flood waters. Tawny was about to drown.
Tawny: HELP! I CAN’T SWIM!
Jer: Tawny! Get on me!
Tawny: Can I do a reserve cowgirl on you?
Jer: You bet! (grabs Tawny)
As fast as they could. Blair, Jer, and Allistair try to swim their way to dry land. Jer was getting aroused by Tawny which motivated him to swim faster. In no time at all, Jer, Blair, Allstair, and Tawny all ended up on dry land! Behind them the submarine exploded. Wilfred was no more, and the evidence Wilfred had gathered to expose Blair, Jer, and Allstair was long gone.
Allistair: LAND! LAND!
Blair: Oh look! We’re back home!
Jer: At J.E.’s lair we took over!
Tawny: Wow! That was a fun adventure! Let’s do it again sometime!
Jer: If you hang with us you’ll have lots of adventures ahead.
Blair: That would be good for your reporter job.
Allistair (to the camera): And so this concludes our first season! We hope you enjoyed Breaking Bear!
Blair: Best season finale ever!
Jer: More importantly! No cliffhangers!
Tawny: Now let’s hope this show gets a season 2!
All of them have a laugh. And say a final word before entering J.E.’s Lair
Jer, Blair, and Allistair: From all of us at Breaking Bear! See you all in 2027!
Tawny: Pray it’s released in early 2027! Bye for now!
THE END!
Breaking Bear
Fanfic title:
Submarine Meth-Wich
By Trenton Sands.
Scene 1:
When we last left off Blair was getting kidnapped on a helicopter by a polar bear named Wilfred. Who wanted to take her to the arctic to make her his meth cooking slave. Wilfred first met Blair when she was kidnapped and chained up by bikers forced to make meth for them until Wilfred came disguised as Kanye West. Jer, Allistair, and Tawny all watch apathetically.
Jer: Well, I guess I’m in charge of this meth business now.
Suddenly, just when the ending credits were about to roll, the filmstrip of the episode The Ultimate Climax which is the season finale was cut in half. Jer, Blair, and Allistair come out to explain what happened.
Jer: Due to circumstances beyond our control…..
Blair: We had to destroy this season finale cliffhanger.
Allistair (shows a pair of scissors): Actually it didn’t really break! (laughs)
Jer: Way to pull a Bugs Bunny there, Allistair.
Allistair: Ain’t I a stinker!
Jer: You’d think we’d let the season finale end like that? Blair getting kidnapped and taken to fuck knows where and we’re moving on without her?
Allistair: Who knows if we’ll return for another season!
Blair: Anyway, this is our REAL season finale! Roll the tapes.
Jer: Oh, and did we mention it’s an hour long?
Allistair: For those of you viewing at home The Ultimate Climax has been obliterated! SO now enjoy this even better season finale called Submarine Meth-Wich!
Scene 2:
The scene opens with Kanye West in the helicopter as he throws Allistair off because Blair told him to pull the ladder. Kanye West then hones in on Blair.
Blair: Oh fuck no! I don’t want to have another encounter with you again! I’m gone!
Jumping out of the helicopter. Blair lands into the flooded waters. Swims her way to land and rejoins Tawny, Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Allistair: Wow, Blair! You could beat Super Dave Osbourne in a world record with that jump.
Blair: Kayne West was there.
Allistair: Sorry, Blair. I had no idea he was coming up that ladder.
Blair: It’s not your fault. How were you supposed to know?
Jer: The helicopter is flying without a pilot!
Tawny: This could be the big news story of my career!
Jer, Blair, Allistair, and Tawny all watch the helicopter crash into a mountain.
Allistair: Now he really is Black Je, I mean Yeesus!
Jer: His ego was bigger than Flava Flav’s!
Tawny: Jer, do you still have that bed we had sex on when the flood was going on?
Jer: Shit! It’s gone!
A submarine came to pick up Jer, Tawny, Blair, and Allistair. The four of them enter.
Tawny: A submarine? Never been in one of these before! Imagine, Jer, we can make Tiktok videos of ourselves and start The 10000 Feet Deep Club!
Jer: Love it, Tawny! Anyway, I’m baffled. Where did this submarine come from?
Blair: Who cares if it’s our only way out, let’s take it.
Allistair, Tawny, Blair, and Jer all enter the submarine. Once they come inside. They were impressed with the layouts.
Blair: Wow, it’s beautiful here! So roomy! We can cook our meth here. Better than that trailer Dwight Salter let us have.
Allistair: Wow, this is just like the one submarine in Down Periscope.
Jer: More like The Land That Time Forgot.
Touring the Submarine, Tawny screams as she sees Kanye West laying on the floor as if he’s been mutilated.
Jer (screaming) Yeesus is DEAD!
Tawny: Another thing to add to my story! A crime scene and the death of a celebrity! People crave celebrity deaths!
Allistair: Whoever did this sure did a number on him.
Blair (looks closely as Kanye) Wait a minute, this looks like a costume.
Looking more closely, Jer, Blair, Allistair, and Tawny now see that the bloodied Kayne West was actually a costume. Then the four of them hear sarcastic clapping. Turning their heads they see a polar bear who was wearing a White Lives Matter shirt approaching before them. Also he was holding some melons in his arms. His name was Wilfred.
Wilfred: Well played my friends. Well played indeed! Don’t pay any attention to these melons. They’re my property!
Jer: I’m getting Hannibal Lecter vibes from this asshole!
Wilfred: Welcome to my submarine. My name is Wilfred.
Blair: Are you a friend or foe?
Wilfred: No need to worry. I’m on your side. In fact, how about we put aside our racial differences and work together to make our own meth. What do you say to that?
Tawny: I love diversity! So wonderful!
In a twist of fate, Wilfred lowers the submarine deep into the flooded waters. That sends Tawny, Blair, Jer, and Allistair flying around.
Scene 3:
It landed hard after the submarine submerged. Jer, Blair, Tawny, and Blair who think Wilfred is on their side. Want to sing a song.
Jer: You know what. Now that we have Wilfred in our corner. This calls for a song!
Blair: Let me guess, Yellow Submarine?
Jer: Even better! The Sex Pistols Sub Mission!
Allstair: I know that one! I’m On A Submarine Mission For You, Baby!
Wilfred: All right! Enough of this fucking nonsense!
Once the submarine was finally deep in the waters. Wilfred explains why he dressed as Kanye West.
Wilfred: You see, I put on this Kanye West costume because I wanted to keep my identity a secret.
Jer: Okay, so…..
Wilfred: When I was in the helicopter, when I made it explode, it morphed into this submarine.
Blair: How the fuck is that even possible!
Wilfred: Can’t argue with cartoon logic!
Allistair: How did I know he was going to say that!
Wilfred: I followed Blair around and that’s how I found out you all are bears who cook meth to save your forest. You’d be surprised with what tracking apps can do! I have followed your every move since you started this meth bullshit!
Blair: (rolls eyes): Great. I have a stalker.
Wilfred: Why? Because I knew all four of you dumbasses were stupid enough to fall for this!
Tawny: I thought you were a friend!!!
Wilfred: No I’m not! Now with this submarine, I will take all four of you to the arctic so you can ALL be my slaves and make meth for me! (points to Tawny) And that includes you, you ditzy bimbo bitch!
Tawny and Allistair begin to laugh uncontrollably.
Jer: Hey! Why are you two laughing for!
Blair: We’re prisoners in his corrupt game! Don’t you get it?
Tawny: Does this mean we’re stowaways?
Scene 4:
As the submarine was sailing in the flood waters. Wilfred sits down to eat. Tawny, Allistair, Jer and Blair all stand over him and watch.
Wilfred: While you guys are in my submarine, you will do everything I tell you to! If you want to live!
Tawny: OKay. hee hee I’m willing to do anything at this point.
Wilfred: Like Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. I AM THE COMMANDER OF THIS SHIP!
Allistair: Ship? It’s a sub! Did you forget?
Jer: What are you having to eat? Can we have some too?
Wilfred: This is all for me! (pulls out the corpse of Armie Hammer)
Allistair: Holy fuck! You killed Armie Hammer?!?! (under his breath) serves him right for making that shitty Lone Ranger movie.
Tawny: Come on! Have a heart! Give us a piece of Armie Hammer!
Jer: Me and Tawny are into cannibalism!
Blair: I get dibs on his penis!
Wilfred gets out a meat cleaver and starts to chop the corpse of Armie Hammer.
Jer: Uhhh, you know you can’t eat him all by yourself……
Wilfred (slams meat cleaver): I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH! Leave me alone!
As soon as the meat cleaver slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse, a piece of his arm landed in Jer’s mouth.
Wilfred: Don’t you understand English! I said I don’t have enough! (slams meat cleaver)
The meat cleaver Wilfred used slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse again, and a piece of foot landed in Tawny’s mouth.
Wilfred: When I say shut up! I mean shut up! I’m telling you for the last time, shut up! (slams meat cleaver)
The meat cleaver Wilfred used slammed into Armie Hammer’s corpse for a third time, and two pieces of torso landed in Blair’s and Allistair’s mouth.
Wilfred: I will beat your heads in! I will rape every hole in your body! Don’t bother me anymore! Go away, I'm starving! I’ll call you when I need you!
Allistair finds a mannequin and when Wilfred wasn’t looking, he pushed Armie Hammer’s corpse off the table and replaced him with the mannequin.
Wilfred: You’re keeping me from eating! Now leave me the fucking hell alone!
Allistair: Now don’t get excited. Go on and eat!
Wilfred bit into the mannequin. Without noticing he was eating the mannequin instead of Armie Hammer. Wilfred sighed in content. Then tries to look for garlic mumbling under his breath. “Now where did I put that garlic?” Jer finds some pepper in a glass shaker. He sprinkles the pepper into his hand.
Tawny: Hey Wilfred!
Jer blows the pepper into Wilfred’s face. Wilfred begins to sneeze like crazy.
Allistair (takes Armie Hammer’s corpse): Let’s get out of here before he brings back covid! Right face! Left hut!
Tawny, Jer, and Blair all follow Allistair while Wilfred continues to sneeze.
Scene 5:
The submarine begins to emerge and shakes back and forth. Tawny, Jer, Blair,and Allistair were all enjoying eating Armie Hammer’s dead body.
Allistair: Ahhh! Delicious! If only we had some meth!
Blair: If only the Wolf Queen can see us now!
Tawny: Hey I’m eating the foot? Does this mean I have a foot fetish?
Jer: Don’t mean much to me if you do!
Suddenly sea sickness hits Jer, Tawny, and Blair. But not Allistair.
Jer: I wish I hadn’t eaten so much! Now I don’t feel so good.
Blair: Me too! If only this sub would stop wobbling like a fucking dildo!
Tawny: I’m done with this. Gotta watch my figure.
Allistair: Oh softies! Can’t take it, hey? (laughs)
Tawny, Blair, and Jer all fall to the floor feeling sick. Allistair remains standing. Taking the pieces of Armie Hammer from Tawny, Jer, and Blair to eat it himself.
Allistair: I’ll finish it for you! Give me the high seas! Give me the salty water…(munching and laughing).....they can’t take it! We’re supposed to be tough bears who make meth!
After a while, Allistair starts to fall ill and vomits into a FIRE ONLY bucket. The bucket tips and lands all over Jer. Who is really mad.
Jer: Why did you vomit on me? Go on, beat it!
Allistair walks away and opens a window to the sub. He sniffs the water and a huge wave of water splashes on Allistair. Then Allistair opens the window again and waves at the water. Taking a quick peek, Allistair ducks again. Getting up and breathing the fresh air an even bigger wave hits Allistair makes him all wet. Momentarily nightful has arrived. Jer, Blair, and Tawny were sleeping on hard boxes. As was Wilfred. Allistair finds a swinging hammock.
Allistair: Shit for brains sleeping on boxes! I’ll swing myself to sleep!
Struggling to get on the hammock a few times. Allistair finally makes it on. Then he lights up some meth he was saving and smokes it.
Allistair: Time for a little peace and quiet.
After smoking the meth. Allistair throws a lit match into a rolling garbage can. Then falls asleep and snores. The submarine was still sailing in the choppy waters. Allistair was asleep on the hammock and the rolling garbage can was moving back and forth with a fiery blaze on top. Until such a time the garbage can rolls under Allistair as he was still snoring. The fire was set on the strings of the hammock and then it broke and landed Allistair into the fiery garbage can.
Allistair: HELP! HELP! HELP! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!
Scene 6:
Morning had come. Tawny was sleeping on a wooden box with Allistair sleeping on top of her. Jer and Blair woke up.
Jer: That was a great sleep!
Blair: Best I’ve had in a while.
Jer yelps as Blair looks at her older brother with concern.
Blair: What’s the matter?
Jer: Allistair is sleeping with my girl!
Blair and Jer gasp as they see Tawny and Allistair sleep together. Jer slaps Allistair.
Allistair: What was that for?
Jer: You fucked Tawny, didn’t you?
Allistair: No! A hammock I was using caught fire and she let me sleep on her bed.
Tawny: It’s true. We didn’t do anything.
Jer: Okay I believe you. (to Allistair) Consider this a warning….
Allistair: All right! All right! I get the point!
Blair: Now, how are we going to get out of here and defeat Wilfred?
Allistair: Can we eat first?
Tawny: Yes, I’m starving too.
Jer: You know I thought I saw Wilfred sleep with some watermelons?
Allistair: He’s having sex with watermelons?
Blair: No he’s using them as a pillow. Maybe there’s something inside the watermelons we can use against him!
Jer: After all he told us not to pay attention to them.
Tawny: Ooooh! A spy story! This’ll be so cool for my career!
Walking over to where Wilfred was sleeping. Blair, Jer, Tawny, and Allistair all grabbed the melons while Wilfred was asleep. Tawny used her head to push another melon out from under Wilfred’s head. Jer, Blair, and Allistair make way with the melons and Tawny is stuck under Wilfred’s head.
Jer (opening the melon): HEY-YAHHH!!!
Blair: Check what’s inside.
Jer: (clawing the melon) This melon has big seeds.
Clawing out the inside of the watermelon. Jer takes out an iphone and begins to play it. Allistair, Jer, and Blair all watch its contents.
Jer: Son of a bitch! This guy’s been stalking us!
Allistair: He’s pulling a Nightcrawler on us!
Blair: He planned to expose us for making meth to stop fracking and save our forest!
Jer: No wonder Wilfred acted so mysteriously! Holy fuck! He even has me eating Jesse, Tawny’s brother!
Allistair: Yeah, no wonder he wanted to kidnap us all!
Tawny sneezed which woke up Wilfred. Who quickly notices his melons are gone.
Wilfred (whispers gruffly): The melons!
Soon after, Wilfred sees Tawny was under his head.
Tawny: Hi! You up for an interview! I have connections to E Entertainment!
Wilfred grabs Tawny and takes her hostage.
Jer: If he exposes us, he’ll turn us over to the authorities!
Blair: You’re right. Worst case scenario the wolves will take over our forest while we’re in prison.
Allistair: Or a zoo.
Wilfred forces Tawny to walk with him over to Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Jer: Now we’ll hold these iphone for safekeeping while we find a way to get rid of Wilfred.
Wilfred: That’s what you think!
Jer: That’s what I said!
Allstair, Blair, and Jer yelp as they see Wilfred standing behind him holding Tawny hostage with a knife.
Tawny: Jer help me! I’m having a damsel in distress moment here!
Wilfred pulls a knife on the bear siblings. Blair punches Wilfred in the gut. Tawny runs. Jer, Blair, Tawny, and Allistair all run in opposite directions. Wilfred chases Allistair with a knife.
Allistair: WOAH!!!
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE!
Allistair runs away and Wilfred catches up to him. He chases the youngest bear sibling around a box. Jer and Blair find a swinging spring board next to the fire bucket.
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE! GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I’LL KILL YOU! (points a knife)
Jer releases the spring board and it hits Wilfred square in the back of the head.
Blair: Good job, big brother.
Jer: That took care of him!
Tawny walks into the direction of the spring board and gets knocked out.
Scene 7 Conclusion:
Jer and Blair try to revive Tawny.
Blair: Oh no, Tawny!
Jer: My girl! We can’t let her die!
Blair: We need to snap her out of this.
Jer: Allistair, take care of Wilfred!
Wilfred begins to regain his mobility and Allstair begins to taunt him!
Allistair: Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Up your ass with a rubber brass!
Song: Gothic Pink by Tommy Heavenly 6 plays.
Wilfred roars in anger chasing Allstair all over the submarine. Into a hallway full of doors. Allistair uses the doors to walk in and out to confuse Wilfred as he does the same.
Allstair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: YYYAAAAAHHHHH!
Allistair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: GGGGRRRRRR!!!
Jer and Blair finally revive Tawny.
Tawny: Am I at the Golden Globes?
Jer: No you’re still in this stupid submarine.
Blair (watches Allistair chase Wilfred): That’s our Allistair!
Jer finds some dynamite in a box.
Blair: Why are you looking at the dynamite?
Jer: We can use it to escape, blow up everything in this submarine with Wilfred inside and that evidence he has against us!
Blair: Wow! Like the way you think!
Wilfred was tired from running around chasing after Allistair, who then sneaks up behind him and kicks his ass and punches his face.
Allistair: Up your ass!
Wilfred: WHY YOU DIRTY!
Allistair tries to get away from Wilfred by jumping over a box only to have Allistair land in some watermelons. Wilfred was getting even more angerier by the minute.
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE! GIVE ME THAT IPHONE OR I’LL KILL YOU!
Allistair (still getting chased by WIlfred): NO DON’T!
Jer, Blair, and Tawny all set some dynamite sticks all over the submarine.
Tawny: What’s the use of these birthday candles?
Jer: They’re dynamite sticks! We’ll use them to blow up this submarine.
Blair: Got a match Tawny.
Tawny: Does a hairpin work?
Jer: Yeah, sure.
Wilfred now has Allistair cornered.
Allistair: You keep away from me! And my siblings! You’ll never succeed in exposing us!
Wilfred: GIVE ME THAT IPHONE!
Allistair uses the watermelons stuck to his feet to kick them off and both watermelons land square on Wilfred’s head. The watermelons didn’t phase Wilfred at all as he was still determined as ever to destroy Jer, Blair, and Allistair.
Allistair: Bullseye motherfucker! (laughs)
Jer (kisses the spring board): Do you stuff, baby!
Throwing the springboard in Wilfred’s direction. It misses and hits Allistair by mistake.
Jer: SHIT! WHO CARES! I’LL TAKE HIM DOWN MYSELF!
Walking causally up to Wilfred who was trying to frisk Allistair, Jer has the springboard in his hands.
Jer: MR WILFRED!
Wilfred: YES??!?!
Jer knocks out Wilfred with flying colors. Then uses a rope to tie him up. Blair helps.
Blair: In the original season finale, he tied me up! Oh how the tables have turned!
Jer: Exactly! This season finale is way better than The Ultimate Climax!
Allistair (regains consciousness): Even though I have a horrible hangover from getting beaten and knocked on my ass. I’m really happy we won out!
Tawny: Hey guys! I lighted all the dynamite sticks!
Blair: This is our chance!
Jer: Let’s go!
Allistair: How do we get out? We’re in the middle of these flood waters!
Jer: We swim our way back, that’s what!
Tawny, Blair, Jer, and Allistair all open an emergency exit door with their brute strength and all jump off the submarine. And swam into the flood waters. Tawny was about to drown.
Tawny: HELP! I CAN’T SWIM!
Jer: Tawny! Get on me!
Tawny: Can I do a reserve cowgirl on you?
Jer: You bet! (grabs Tawny)
As fast as they could. Blair, Jer, and Allistair try to swim their way to dry land. Jer was getting aroused by Tawny which motivated him to swim faster. In no time at all, Jer, Blair, Allstair, and Tawny all ended up on dry land! Behind them the submarine exploded. Wilfred was no more, and the evidence Wilfred had gathered to expose Blair, Jer, and Allstair was long gone.
Allistair: LAND! LAND!
Blair: Oh look! We’re back home!
Jer: At J.E.’s lair we took over!
Tawny: Wow! That was a fun adventure! Let’s do it again sometime!
Jer: If you hang with us you’ll have lots of adventures ahead.
Blair: That would be good for your reporter job.
Allistair (to the camera): And so this concludes our first season! We hope you enjoyed Breaking Bear!
Blair: Best season finale ever!
Jer: More importantly! No cliffhangers!
Tawny: Now let’s hope this show gets a season 2!
All of them have a laugh. And say a final word before entering J.E.’s Lair
Jer, Blair, and Allistair: From all of us at Breaking Bear! See you all in 2027!
Tawny: Pray it’s released in early 2027! Bye for now!
THE END!
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