Categories > Cartoons > Strip Law
Wanting to relive their Lake Tahoe vacation. Lincoln, Glem, Irene and Sheila build a ski ramp that's too dangerous for their own good.
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Strip Law
Fanfic Title:
Last One In Is A Rotten Ramp
By: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At Lake Tahoe during the winter. People were on snowboards, skis, and inner tubes as well. The Led Zeppelin song Immigrant Song plays throughout. On top of a ski ramp is Lincoln Gumb. Las Vegas lawyer and his friends Sheila, his niece Irene, and Glem. The first one to go down the ski slope is Lincoln as he slides down an inner tube. As Sheila, Irene, and Glem cheer him on.
Next is Sheila who is on a snowboard sliding down the pure white snow on the ski ramp. Sliding down as she flew up in the sky before landing onto the snow. Then came Irene who was on a snowmobile and slid down the ski ramp and did a flip in the air. Thank heavens no one was looking.
Last was Glem who was the only one of the group who had skis. He slid down the ski ramp and Sheila went down with her snowboard once more and the both of them were high in the air and gave each other a high five.
Sheila (cheers): THIS IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!
Glem (cheers): I’M NEVER GOING HOME!
The scene freezes and as it turns out, LIncoln, Sheila, Glem, and Irene were actually watching a video of themselves of their time at Lake Tahoe. Everyone was in Lincoln’s basement. In was the dead of winter in Las Vegas. The temp was 15 degrees but there was no snow around.
Glem: And dammit! We came home. We spent 12 days on that ski ramp and it never got old. I’ve already forgotten how awesome it felt. The empty patience of climbing a ladder…
Lincoln: My yes. The butterflies that were in our stomachs. Right before our turn.
Irene: The permanent layer of melted snow on every toilet seat.
Sheila, Lincoln, and Glem: YES YES YES YES!
Glem: But we left those feelings behind at The Village at Palisades Tahoe.
Sheila: Yes I know. But what if we can get them back? It gets really cold here in Vegas as it is now. How hard could it be to build a ski ramp?
Glem: Have you ever slipped on a wet spot?
Sheila: Haven’t we all?
Glem: Then you’ve already built a ski ramp.
Irene: I’m sorry?
Sheila: What were you implying?
Glem: We’re building our own ski ramp!
Lincoln: First stop, Home Depot!
Glem leads the way as they all exit Lincoln’s house to go to Home Depot to build a ski ramp.
Scene 2:
Lincoln, Irene, Glem, and Sheila were now at the Home Depot. Getting what they all need to build the ski ramp of their dreams. The automatic doors slide open.
Lincoln, Glem, Sheila, and Irene walk into the store like they are entering the headquarters of a highly classified government operation.
Glem grabs a shopping cart.
Lincoln: We’ll have more fun than those people in that movie Hot Dog….The Movie!
Sheila: And we’ll be smarter than Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber!
Glem: All right, people. We have one mission.
Sheila: Build a ski ramp.
Irene: In Las Vegas.
Lincoln: Yes in Vegas. But in my backyard.
They all nod seriously.
Glem: And absolutely nothing can go wrong.
Irene:That's usually when something goes wrong.
Lincoln: Don't ruin the optimism, Irene.
Pulling out a piece of paper that Glem had in his pocket. He reads it out loud.
Glem: I made a list.
Sheila: You made a list?
Glem: Yes.
Lincoln: What's on it?
Glem (unfolds the paper): Lumber.
Lincoln: Good.
Glem: Screws.
Sheila: Obviously.
Glem: Plywood.
Irene: Makes sense.
Glem: Metal brackets.
Lincoln: Yep.
Glem: Waterproof tarp.
Sheila: For snow?
Glem: No. For when we realize we have no idea what we're doing.
Then Sheila takes the list from him.
Sheila: This says, "One enormous bag of ice."
Glem: That's for the snow.
Irene: You know ice isn't snow, right?
Glem (stares at Irene) : Not with that attitude.
The four of them begin walking through the lumber section Lincoln looks at the enormous stacks of wood.
Lincoln: Should’ve paid more attention in Shop Class. So how much lumber do we actually need?
Glem (points to the stacks): That much.
Lincoln: That's not a measurement.
Glem: It's the measurement of ambition.
Sheila (picks up a long board): How about these?
Glem: Perfect.
Lincoln (looks at the board): That's twelve feet long.
Glem: Exactly.
Lincoln: And our backyard isn't twelve feet wide.
Glem: Then we'll make the backyard wider.
Irene: You can't just make a backyard wider.
Glem: I said it once and I’ll say it again, Not with that attitude.
Irene sighs. As a Home Depot employee approaches.
Employee: Can I help you folks find something?
Lincoln: (smiles): Yes. We're building a ski ramp.
The employee looks at the four of them.
Employee:: A... ski ramp?
Sheila: Yes.
Glem: A very large one.
Irene: In someone's backyard.
The employee slowly looks at Lincoln.
Employee: Do you have experience building ramps?
Lincoln: Not really, I am a lawyer.
The employee blinks.
Lincoln: So... no.
Glem: But we're extremely confident.
The employee looks even more concerned.
Employee: You'll probably want pressure-treated lumber for anything that's going outside.
Lincoln: See? We're already learning.
Sheila: What about the actual sliding surface? The employee points toward another section.
Employee: You could use plywood for the structure and something smoother over the top.
Glem (eyes widen): Something smoother?
Sheila: Oh no.
Glem: We need that.
Irene: Glem, don't say "we need that" unless you know what it is.
Glem: I don't know what it is.
Lincoln grabs the cart.
Glem: But we need it.
Scene 3:
The cart is now overflowing. Inside are boards, plywood, screws, brackets, a level, measuring tape, rope, a drill, several tools, tarps, buckets, plastic sheeting, and an enormous bag of ice.
Lincoln: (looks into the cart): Why do we have three levels?
Glem: One for the ramp.
Sheila: And the other two?
Glem: Backups.
Irene: Backups for a level?
Glem: You never know.
Sheila: (holds up a roll of paper plastic sheeting) This could make the surface slippery.
Lincoln: Good.
Irene: How slippery?
Sheila (grins): Very. So much so I probably won’t have to use my magic for it!
Glem: That's the spirit.
They continue down the aisle. Irene spots something.
Irene: Hey! What about safety equipment?
Everyone stops.
Lincoln: Excellent idea.
Sheila and Irene pick up several pairs of goggles and protective gloves.
Irene: Helmets.
Sheila: Definitely.
Glem: Knee pads.
Lincoln: Yes.
Irene (points towards a shelf): And maybe some warning signs.
Then Glem picks up a bright orange caution sign It reads: CAUTION — WET FLOOR Glem studies it.
Glem: Perfect.
Lincoln: That's for wet floors.
Glem: Our ramp will be wet.
Sheila: Technically, that's true.
Irene:I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's making sense.
They toss the sign into the cart. Suddenly, Glem stops.
Glem: WAIT!
Everyone jumps.
Lincoln: What?!
Lincoln and Sheila see Glem point as he points dramatically toward the far end of the store.
Glem: SNOW SHOVELS!
Sheila: Why do we need snow shovels?
Glem: For the snow.
Irene: We're in Las Vegas! In the winter there's no snow here like there is in Lake Tahoe.
Glem: Exactly. There isn't any.
He grabs two snow shovels and puts them in the cart.
Lincoln (shakes his head): Fine. But we're not buying a snow blower.
Glem (glances at the snow blowers:)I wasn't going to…..until….NOW!
Lincoln: NO.
Sheila (laughing): Come on, Lincoln. It's our ski ramp!
Lincoln: (sighs) Fine. But if we're going to do this, we're doing it properly.
He grabs the snow blower.
Lincoln: Put it in the cart.
Irene: You just said no Uncle Lincoln.
Lincoln: That was before I remembered I'm the one paying for this.
Sheila and Glem both push the cart toward the checkout.
Glem: We've got everything!
The cart wheel suddenly squeaks loudly.SQUEEEEEAK! Everyone stops.
Sheila: That's going to be annoying.
Glem: Not as annoying as spending twelve days in Tahoe and then having to come home.
Lincoln: Let's check out.
They push the mountain of supplies toward the registers. Reaching the checkout counter. The cashier scans item after item. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Lincoln watches the total climb. His smile slowly disappears.
LINCOLN: Oh, dear.
Sheila: What?
LINCOLN (points to the register): We're already spending more than I expected.
Glem: Think of it as an investment. We’re big shot hot lawyers. We make good money!
Lincoln: In what?
Glem: Happiness.
Sheila and Irene look at the enormous pile of lumber
Irene: And possibly a lawsuit.
Lincoln: I'm the lawyer. I'll handle it.
.
Sheila: Then let's build a ski ramp. (grins)
Glem: AND GET THAT TAHOE FEELING BACK!
The cashier looks at them.
Cashier: Good luck.
Lincoln: We'll need it.
Scene 4:
A week later. Winter was at an all time high in Las Vegas. Wearing their winter gear, Lincoln, Glem, Sheila, and Irene were hard at work building their ski ramp. Glem however doesn’t know where to hammer a nail.
Glem: Uhhh, here? Maybe here I guess?
Lincoln: Hope it’s sturdy to hold us all.
Sheila: I don’t know. Think that looks right….
Glem: I guess?
Lincoln: Meaning…we’re finally done!
The ski ramp was revealed. The ladder is 20 feet long and the ski ramp is longer than 50 feet with a slip and fly jump at the end. Then the ladder began to wobble.
Irene: We should’ve watched This Old House before we did this!
Lincoln: We can’t let it collapse! We’ve come this far!
Sheila: Promised I said I won’t involve my magic in this. Looks like I’ll have to use it.
Using her magic abilities, Sheila takes out a Double-sided tape Clear thread/fishing line to use two magic tricks called The Miraculous Hold and The Never-Fall. Both magic tricks were successful.
Lincoln: Wow! That was awesome Sheila! Your magic can help me with anything!
Sheila: Aside from court cases.
Glem: I can’t believe we did it!
Suddenly, a thrill seeker comes to Lincoln’s back yard and sees the ski ramp. He had a snowboard with him. His name was Nathan McLovin.
Nathan: Woah! Now that’s what I’m talking about! (to Sheila) Are you one of those Carrie types by any chance? Can I pour a bucket of pig blood on you?
Sheila: I don’t think so.
Lincoln: Who the fuck are you?
Nathan: I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Nathan McLovin! Winter sports extraordinaire!
Irene: Excuse me! This ski ramp is supposed to be for us only!
Glem: She’s right. Look, uh, McLovin? Was it? (mutters) watching too many Judd Apatow movies. (normal voice) We built this ramp to recapture this amazing butterfly feeling so if you can just respect that, and kind of what we’re all about…..
Irene points in the air to Lincoln. Now Glem, Sheila, Lincoln, and Irene see that Nathan didn’t listen to them and was now on top of the ladder.
Lincoln: Son of a bitch! He didn’t listen to us!
Nathan: Suck my dick, motherfuckers! YYYEAAAAHHHH!!!!
Taking out his snowboard and strapping his feet into the holes, Nathan slides down the ski ramp at incredibly high speeds. Nathan then finds himself flying in the sky. Unexpectedly, Nathan lands on top of an SUV with a car alarm blaring. Lincoln, Sheila, Irene, and Glem were all mortified.
Lincoln: Please let him have landed on a neighbor’s snowpile…..
Glem: Does that sound like he landed on someone else’s snowpile?
Scene 5:
In horrific shock over the fact that the ski ramp they all built got someone killed. Lincoln, Sheila, Glem, and Irene were sitting on a pile of snow. Reflecting on what they had done.
Irene (moans): What if one of those criminals you prosecuted finds out, Uncle Lincoln.
Lincoln: You got a point there Irene. There have been some criminals who swore revenge on me. I even caused some to get sent to death row.
Sheila: I can’t believe our ski ramp actually got a guy killed.
Glem: Whoever you sent to death row let’s hope they didn’t escape or their execution wasn’t botched like that bitch in Tennessee!
Lincoln: If my mom is watching. She is in hell, looking up. And laughing at me along with old Satan himself.
Irene: Nice Rain Man reference there, Uncle Lincoln!
Lincoln: Let’s just all keep our cool. If someone found out, we would’ve heard something by now.
Glem: Lincoln is right. Oh and just as a precaution. I buried our winter coats and our tools. Just to be on the safe side.
Sheila: And I used a dissolving potion to reduce McLovin’s body into ashes and flushed it down the toilet.
Lincoln: And I had every intention of getting rid of his snowsuit.
Glem: Might as well call our ski ramp Corpse Vanishes like that old Bela Lugosi movie.
Irene: We’ve gotten rid of everything. There is not a single shred of evidence lurking around here. Linking us to his death.
Voice: Just like my mother.
Lincoln (gasps): Who said that?
Sheila, Irene, Lincoln, and Glem turns their heads to the voice. It was Lincoln’s rival. Steve Nichols.
Glem: Shit! The ramp! We forgot about the ramp!
Steve: Well well well. Mind telling me what’s going on here?
Lincoln: Steve! Why are you here?
Steve: There’s a report of a man who went missing after riding a ski ramp.
Lincoln: Since when did you become a detective Mr Shitspeed and Fuck-Shoe!
Glem: Well it wasn’t us! This is a huge city guy! Swing a dead McLovin and you’ll hit one!
Steve: I never mentioned the name McLovin.
Putting on the snowsuit, Lincoln thinks it can throw off suspicion from himself.
Lincoln: This snowsuit is mine.
Glem glances nervously as Steve takes out a picture of Nathan McLovin wearing the snowsuit Lincoln now had on. He decides to walk off.
Steve: Great. You have yourselves a wonderful day. Steve exits.
Glem: Did he just say, Steve exits?
Lincoln, Glem, Shiela, and Irene decide to take down the ski ramp.
Scene 6:
Hours later, Lincoln, Glem, Irene, and Sheila were dismantling the ski ramp.
Lincoln: Well, so much for reliving the fun of Lake Tahoe.
Sheila: I’ll use my magic and Irene. Since you’re the strongest one you can carry the remnants of the ski ramp.
Irene: Fine. My days of body building were made for situations like this.
Glem: good plan! Steve Nichols gave me the creeps!
Steve: Which Steve are you talking about? Steve Martin? Steve Jobs? Steve Carell? Steve Harvey?
Glem: Lincoln? Didn’t you close the gate to your backyard? Were you raised in a barn? It’s like Leopold and Loeb up in here!
Steve: Forensics came back from the lab. It says the ski ramp’s flight path originated from this ramp.
Sheila: There’s no way. Our ramp is totally safe.
Steve: Good. I can close the case and have nothing to use against you to smear campaign Lincoln Gumb as a lawyer.
Irene: That’s a relief.
Steve: Until one of you goes down the ramp!
Sheila: No problem. (nudges Glem in the ribs)
Glem: OKay. I’ll be the sacrificial lamb.
Lincoln: You’re a good friend, Glem.
It took an hour for Glem to climb up the 20 foot ladder. Glem is so far up he sees eagles flying and screeching as he looks down on Steve, Lincoln, Irene, and Sheila. Glem puts his boot onto the ramp.
Glem: Just gonna test the snow.
The boot Glem was wearing falls off and launches into space.
Glem (sits down): Cool! OKay (nervously) It’s ramping time y’all! (slides down the ramp)
The ski ramp sends Glem in exhilarating speeds. Glem then gets an idea to hold onto the sides of the ski ramp to slow himself down. His gloves and his boot caused friction and even started to burn a little to a point where fire showed up. Glem reached to the end of the ramp slowly and landed in a snowplank in Lincoln’s back yard.
Lincoln: He did it!
Irene: All right, Glem!
Steve: Well I guess i had it all wrong. Case closed.
Lincoln: Does this mean you’re not going to smear campaign me?
Steve: There’s always other times for that. So consider that a warning! Unsolved coldest case! I’m a cold chowder man! You can really taste the clams that way.
Glem gets out of the snowplank. His hands and feet had second degree burns.
Sheila: Glem? Are you okay?
Glem: I’m cool! As ice! (laughs) My hands and feet took the worst of it. When summer comes I guess I won’t need my flip flops! Nothing a little ice can’t fix.
Lincoln, Sheila, and Irene watch as Glem walks back to his car. Much to their shock, Glem’s whole backside of his body had the same type of second degree burns as his hands and feet.
Scene 7 Conclusion:
Lincoln, Sheila, Irene, and Glem stood in Lincoln’s backyard, staring at what remained of the ski ramp. Most of it had already been taken apart, leaving behind piles of broken boards, pieces of plywood, screws, plastic sheeting, and a large mound of snow. Glem was wearing bandages around his hands and feet. He looked at the remains of the ramp.
Glem: Well, guys... I think it's time.
Lincoln: Time for what?
Glem: To say goodbye.
Sheila: To the ski ramp?
Glem: To the greatest terrible idea we ever had.
Irene: That's actually a pretty long list.
Lincoln: She's right.
Glem: Lake Tahoe gave us twelve days of happiness. This backyard gave us one dead thrill seeker, a visit from Steve Nichols, second-degree burns, and a massive Home Depot bill.
Sheila: So basically, it was exactly like Tahoe.
Lincoln: Except for the dead guy.
Everyone becomes silent.
Irene: Yeah. Except for that.
Lincoln: All right. Let's get this thing down before somebody else decides to use it. (picks up a crowbar)
Sheila: I'll use my magic to loosen the supports.
Irene: And I'll move the heavier pieces.
Glem: And I'll supervise.
Lincoln: You're helping.
Glem: Damn.
Sheila uses her magic to make the ropes and supports loosen. Irene grabs one of the large wooden beams and carries it away as if it weighs nothing.
Irene: Where do you want this?
Lincoln: By the garage.
Irene: Got it.
Irene throws the beam toward the garage.
CRASH!
Everyone jumps.
Lincoln: Irene!
Irene: What?
Lincoln: You were supposed to carry it!
Irene: I did carry it.
Sheila: For about three seconds.
Glem: Technically, she's not wrong.
They continue dismantling the ramp.
A few minutes later, the top of the ramp finally collapses into a giant pile of lumber and snow.
CRAAAAASH!
Everyone stares at the wreckage.
Lincoln: Well...
Sheila: It's gone.
Irene: Not completely.
She points toward the enormous pile of snow and debris covering the backyard. Glem walks toward the garage.
Glem: Don't worry.
Lincoln: Where are you going?
Sheila: Is he going to do what I think he's going to do?
Everyone watches as Glem returns pushing the snow blower they bought at Home Depot.
Glem: It's time for the final stage.
Irene: You actually kept the snow blower?
Glem: Of course.
Sheila: What are you going to do with it?
Glem starts the engine. The snow blowers goes VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Glem: I'm getting rid of the evidence!
Lincoln: Glem!
Glem: I mean the remnants of the ski ramp!
Pushing the snow blower through the backyard. Glen feels Snow fly through the air as the machine chews through the remaining snow surrounding the ramp.
Sheila: Glem, you're blowing the snow onto Lincoln's lawn!
Glem: It's called landscaping!
Irene: You're also blowing pieces of plywood everywhere!
A small piece of wood flies past Lincoln's head.
Lincoln: Glem!
Glem: Minor landscaping issue!
When Glem keeps going. The snow blower sends the last mound of snow flying over the fence. FWOOOOOSH! Everyone watches as the snow lands somewhere beyond the backyard.
Lincoln: Is that it?
Glem shuts off the snow blower.
Glem: It's done.
They all look at the backyard.
Where the massive ski ramp once stood is now nothing but a slightly flattened patch of snow, a few tire tracks, and one lonely screw sticking out of the ground.
Sheila: It's hard to believe we actually built that thing.
Irene: And even harder to believe we took it down.
Lincoln: At least we'll always have the memories.
Glem pulls out his phone.
Glem: And the video.
Everyone looks at him.
Glem: What?
Sheila: You still have the video of us at Tahoe?
Glem: Of course.
He presses play.
The four of them watch the video of themselves going down the Lake Tahoe ski ramp. They hear their younger voices cheering.
Sheila (on video): THIS IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!
Glem (on video): I'M NEVER GOING HOME!
The four friends smile.
Lincoln: You know what?
Irene: What?
Lincoln: Maybe we didn't need to build a ski ramp to get that feeling back.
Sheila: We just needed to remember it.
Glem: That's surprisingly profound coming from a lawyer.
Lincoln: Don't get used to it.
They all laugh. Glem looks back at the empty backyard.
Glem: So... who's up for building a roller coaster?
Lincoln, Sheila, and Irene: NO!
Glem: Worth a shot. (shrugs)
They walk toward the house together. Glem stops.
Glem: Wait!
Everyone turns around.
Glem: We forgot the snow blower!
Irene: Glem, you're holding it.
Glem: Oh. (stares at the snow blower)
Not knowing what button to use, Glem pushes it toward the garage as everyone laughs.
THE END
Fanfic Title:
Last One In Is A Rotten Ramp
By: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At Lake Tahoe during the winter. People were on snowboards, skis, and inner tubes as well. The Led Zeppelin song Immigrant Song plays throughout. On top of a ski ramp is Lincoln Gumb. Las Vegas lawyer and his friends Sheila, his niece Irene, and Glem. The first one to go down the ski slope is Lincoln as he slides down an inner tube. As Sheila, Irene, and Glem cheer him on.
Next is Sheila who is on a snowboard sliding down the pure white snow on the ski ramp. Sliding down as she flew up in the sky before landing onto the snow. Then came Irene who was on a snowmobile and slid down the ski ramp and did a flip in the air. Thank heavens no one was looking.
Last was Glem who was the only one of the group who had skis. He slid down the ski ramp and Sheila went down with her snowboard once more and the both of them were high in the air and gave each other a high five.
Sheila (cheers): THIS IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!
Glem (cheers): I’M NEVER GOING HOME!
The scene freezes and as it turns out, LIncoln, Sheila, Glem, and Irene were actually watching a video of themselves of their time at Lake Tahoe. Everyone was in Lincoln’s basement. In was the dead of winter in Las Vegas. The temp was 15 degrees but there was no snow around.
Glem: And dammit! We came home. We spent 12 days on that ski ramp and it never got old. I’ve already forgotten how awesome it felt. The empty patience of climbing a ladder…
Lincoln: My yes. The butterflies that were in our stomachs. Right before our turn.
Irene: The permanent layer of melted snow on every toilet seat.
Sheila, Lincoln, and Glem: YES YES YES YES!
Glem: But we left those feelings behind at The Village at Palisades Tahoe.
Sheila: Yes I know. But what if we can get them back? It gets really cold here in Vegas as it is now. How hard could it be to build a ski ramp?
Glem: Have you ever slipped on a wet spot?
Sheila: Haven’t we all?
Glem: Then you’ve already built a ski ramp.
Irene: I’m sorry?
Sheila: What were you implying?
Glem: We’re building our own ski ramp!
Lincoln: First stop, Home Depot!
Glem leads the way as they all exit Lincoln’s house to go to Home Depot to build a ski ramp.
Scene 2:
Lincoln, Irene, Glem, and Sheila were now at the Home Depot. Getting what they all need to build the ski ramp of their dreams. The automatic doors slide open.
Lincoln, Glem, Sheila, and Irene walk into the store like they are entering the headquarters of a highly classified government operation.
Glem grabs a shopping cart.
Lincoln: We’ll have more fun than those people in that movie Hot Dog….The Movie!
Sheila: And we’ll be smarter than Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber!
Glem: All right, people. We have one mission.
Sheila: Build a ski ramp.
Irene: In Las Vegas.
Lincoln: Yes in Vegas. But in my backyard.
They all nod seriously.
Glem: And absolutely nothing can go wrong.
Irene:That's usually when something goes wrong.
Lincoln: Don't ruin the optimism, Irene.
Pulling out a piece of paper that Glem had in his pocket. He reads it out loud.
Glem: I made a list.
Sheila: You made a list?
Glem: Yes.
Lincoln: What's on it?
Glem (unfolds the paper): Lumber.
Lincoln: Good.
Glem: Screws.
Sheila: Obviously.
Glem: Plywood.
Irene: Makes sense.
Glem: Metal brackets.
Lincoln: Yep.
Glem: Waterproof tarp.
Sheila: For snow?
Glem: No. For when we realize we have no idea what we're doing.
Then Sheila takes the list from him.
Sheila: This says, "One enormous bag of ice."
Glem: That's for the snow.
Irene: You know ice isn't snow, right?
Glem (stares at Irene) : Not with that attitude.
The four of them begin walking through the lumber section Lincoln looks at the enormous stacks of wood.
Lincoln: Should’ve paid more attention in Shop Class. So how much lumber do we actually need?
Glem (points to the stacks): That much.
Lincoln: That's not a measurement.
Glem: It's the measurement of ambition.
Sheila (picks up a long board): How about these?
Glem: Perfect.
Lincoln (looks at the board): That's twelve feet long.
Glem: Exactly.
Lincoln: And our backyard isn't twelve feet wide.
Glem: Then we'll make the backyard wider.
Irene: You can't just make a backyard wider.
Glem: I said it once and I’ll say it again, Not with that attitude.
Irene sighs. As a Home Depot employee approaches.
Employee: Can I help you folks find something?
Lincoln: (smiles): Yes. We're building a ski ramp.
The employee looks at the four of them.
Employee:: A... ski ramp?
Sheila: Yes.
Glem: A very large one.
Irene: In someone's backyard.
The employee slowly looks at Lincoln.
Employee: Do you have experience building ramps?
Lincoln: Not really, I am a lawyer.
The employee blinks.
Lincoln: So... no.
Glem: But we're extremely confident.
The employee looks even more concerned.
Employee: You'll probably want pressure-treated lumber for anything that's going outside.
Lincoln: See? We're already learning.
Sheila: What about the actual sliding surface? The employee points toward another section.
Employee: You could use plywood for the structure and something smoother over the top.
Glem (eyes widen): Something smoother?
Sheila: Oh no.
Glem: We need that.
Irene: Glem, don't say "we need that" unless you know what it is.
Glem: I don't know what it is.
Lincoln grabs the cart.
Glem: But we need it.
Scene 3:
The cart is now overflowing. Inside are boards, plywood, screws, brackets, a level, measuring tape, rope, a drill, several tools, tarps, buckets, plastic sheeting, and an enormous bag of ice.
Lincoln: (looks into the cart): Why do we have three levels?
Glem: One for the ramp.
Sheila: And the other two?
Glem: Backups.
Irene: Backups for a level?
Glem: You never know.
Sheila: (holds up a roll of paper plastic sheeting) This could make the surface slippery.
Lincoln: Good.
Irene: How slippery?
Sheila (grins): Very. So much so I probably won’t have to use my magic for it!
Glem: That's the spirit.
They continue down the aisle. Irene spots something.
Irene: Hey! What about safety equipment?
Everyone stops.
Lincoln: Excellent idea.
Sheila and Irene pick up several pairs of goggles and protective gloves.
Irene: Helmets.
Sheila: Definitely.
Glem: Knee pads.
Lincoln: Yes.
Irene (points towards a shelf): And maybe some warning signs.
Then Glem picks up a bright orange caution sign It reads: CAUTION — WET FLOOR Glem studies it.
Glem: Perfect.
Lincoln: That's for wet floors.
Glem: Our ramp will be wet.
Sheila: Technically, that's true.
Irene:I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's making sense.
They toss the sign into the cart. Suddenly, Glem stops.
Glem: WAIT!
Everyone jumps.
Lincoln: What?!
Lincoln and Sheila see Glem point as he points dramatically toward the far end of the store.
Glem: SNOW SHOVELS!
Sheila: Why do we need snow shovels?
Glem: For the snow.
Irene: We're in Las Vegas! In the winter there's no snow here like there is in Lake Tahoe.
Glem: Exactly. There isn't any.
He grabs two snow shovels and puts them in the cart.
Lincoln (shakes his head): Fine. But we're not buying a snow blower.
Glem (glances at the snow blowers:)I wasn't going to…..until….NOW!
Lincoln: NO.
Sheila (laughing): Come on, Lincoln. It's our ski ramp!
Lincoln: (sighs) Fine. But if we're going to do this, we're doing it properly.
He grabs the snow blower.
Lincoln: Put it in the cart.
Irene: You just said no Uncle Lincoln.
Lincoln: That was before I remembered I'm the one paying for this.
Sheila and Glem both push the cart toward the checkout.
Glem: We've got everything!
The cart wheel suddenly squeaks loudly.SQUEEEEEAK! Everyone stops.
Sheila: That's going to be annoying.
Glem: Not as annoying as spending twelve days in Tahoe and then having to come home.
Lincoln: Let's check out.
They push the mountain of supplies toward the registers. Reaching the checkout counter. The cashier scans item after item. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Lincoln watches the total climb. His smile slowly disappears.
LINCOLN: Oh, dear.
Sheila: What?
LINCOLN (points to the register): We're already spending more than I expected.
Glem: Think of it as an investment. We’re big shot hot lawyers. We make good money!
Lincoln: In what?
Glem: Happiness.
Sheila and Irene look at the enormous pile of lumber
Irene: And possibly a lawsuit.
Lincoln: I'm the lawyer. I'll handle it.
.
Sheila: Then let's build a ski ramp. (grins)
Glem: AND GET THAT TAHOE FEELING BACK!
The cashier looks at them.
Cashier: Good luck.
Lincoln: We'll need it.
Scene 4:
A week later. Winter was at an all time high in Las Vegas. Wearing their winter gear, Lincoln, Glem, Sheila, and Irene were hard at work building their ski ramp. Glem however doesn’t know where to hammer a nail.
Glem: Uhhh, here? Maybe here I guess?
Lincoln: Hope it’s sturdy to hold us all.
Sheila: I don’t know. Think that looks right….
Glem: I guess?
Lincoln: Meaning…we’re finally done!
The ski ramp was revealed. The ladder is 20 feet long and the ski ramp is longer than 50 feet with a slip and fly jump at the end. Then the ladder began to wobble.
Irene: We should’ve watched This Old House before we did this!
Lincoln: We can’t let it collapse! We’ve come this far!
Sheila: Promised I said I won’t involve my magic in this. Looks like I’ll have to use it.
Using her magic abilities, Sheila takes out a Double-sided tape Clear thread/fishing line to use two magic tricks called The Miraculous Hold and The Never-Fall. Both magic tricks were successful.
Lincoln: Wow! That was awesome Sheila! Your magic can help me with anything!
Sheila: Aside from court cases.
Glem: I can’t believe we did it!
Suddenly, a thrill seeker comes to Lincoln’s back yard and sees the ski ramp. He had a snowboard with him. His name was Nathan McLovin.
Nathan: Woah! Now that’s what I’m talking about! (to Sheila) Are you one of those Carrie types by any chance? Can I pour a bucket of pig blood on you?
Sheila: I don’t think so.
Lincoln: Who the fuck are you?
Nathan: I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Nathan McLovin! Winter sports extraordinaire!
Irene: Excuse me! This ski ramp is supposed to be for us only!
Glem: She’s right. Look, uh, McLovin? Was it? (mutters) watching too many Judd Apatow movies. (normal voice) We built this ramp to recapture this amazing butterfly feeling so if you can just respect that, and kind of what we’re all about…..
Irene points in the air to Lincoln. Now Glem, Sheila, Lincoln, and Irene see that Nathan didn’t listen to them and was now on top of the ladder.
Lincoln: Son of a bitch! He didn’t listen to us!
Nathan: Suck my dick, motherfuckers! YYYEAAAAHHHH!!!!
Taking out his snowboard and strapping his feet into the holes, Nathan slides down the ski ramp at incredibly high speeds. Nathan then finds himself flying in the sky. Unexpectedly, Nathan lands on top of an SUV with a car alarm blaring. Lincoln, Sheila, Irene, and Glem were all mortified.
Lincoln: Please let him have landed on a neighbor’s snowpile…..
Glem: Does that sound like he landed on someone else’s snowpile?
Scene 5:
In horrific shock over the fact that the ski ramp they all built got someone killed. Lincoln, Sheila, Glem, and Irene were sitting on a pile of snow. Reflecting on what they had done.
Irene (moans): What if one of those criminals you prosecuted finds out, Uncle Lincoln.
Lincoln: You got a point there Irene. There have been some criminals who swore revenge on me. I even caused some to get sent to death row.
Sheila: I can’t believe our ski ramp actually got a guy killed.
Glem: Whoever you sent to death row let’s hope they didn’t escape or their execution wasn’t botched like that bitch in Tennessee!
Lincoln: If my mom is watching. She is in hell, looking up. And laughing at me along with old Satan himself.
Irene: Nice Rain Man reference there, Uncle Lincoln!
Lincoln: Let’s just all keep our cool. If someone found out, we would’ve heard something by now.
Glem: Lincoln is right. Oh and just as a precaution. I buried our winter coats and our tools. Just to be on the safe side.
Sheila: And I used a dissolving potion to reduce McLovin’s body into ashes and flushed it down the toilet.
Lincoln: And I had every intention of getting rid of his snowsuit.
Glem: Might as well call our ski ramp Corpse Vanishes like that old Bela Lugosi movie.
Irene: We’ve gotten rid of everything. There is not a single shred of evidence lurking around here. Linking us to his death.
Voice: Just like my mother.
Lincoln (gasps): Who said that?
Sheila, Irene, Lincoln, and Glem turns their heads to the voice. It was Lincoln’s rival. Steve Nichols.
Glem: Shit! The ramp! We forgot about the ramp!
Steve: Well well well. Mind telling me what’s going on here?
Lincoln: Steve! Why are you here?
Steve: There’s a report of a man who went missing after riding a ski ramp.
Lincoln: Since when did you become a detective Mr Shitspeed and Fuck-Shoe!
Glem: Well it wasn’t us! This is a huge city guy! Swing a dead McLovin and you’ll hit one!
Steve: I never mentioned the name McLovin.
Putting on the snowsuit, Lincoln thinks it can throw off suspicion from himself.
Lincoln: This snowsuit is mine.
Glem glances nervously as Steve takes out a picture of Nathan McLovin wearing the snowsuit Lincoln now had on. He decides to walk off.
Steve: Great. You have yourselves a wonderful day. Steve exits.
Glem: Did he just say, Steve exits?
Lincoln, Glem, Shiela, and Irene decide to take down the ski ramp.
Scene 6:
Hours later, Lincoln, Glem, Irene, and Sheila were dismantling the ski ramp.
Lincoln: Well, so much for reliving the fun of Lake Tahoe.
Sheila: I’ll use my magic and Irene. Since you’re the strongest one you can carry the remnants of the ski ramp.
Irene: Fine. My days of body building were made for situations like this.
Glem: good plan! Steve Nichols gave me the creeps!
Steve: Which Steve are you talking about? Steve Martin? Steve Jobs? Steve Carell? Steve Harvey?
Glem: Lincoln? Didn’t you close the gate to your backyard? Were you raised in a barn? It’s like Leopold and Loeb up in here!
Steve: Forensics came back from the lab. It says the ski ramp’s flight path originated from this ramp.
Sheila: There’s no way. Our ramp is totally safe.
Steve: Good. I can close the case and have nothing to use against you to smear campaign Lincoln Gumb as a lawyer.
Irene: That’s a relief.
Steve: Until one of you goes down the ramp!
Sheila: No problem. (nudges Glem in the ribs)
Glem: OKay. I’ll be the sacrificial lamb.
Lincoln: You’re a good friend, Glem.
It took an hour for Glem to climb up the 20 foot ladder. Glem is so far up he sees eagles flying and screeching as he looks down on Steve, Lincoln, Irene, and Sheila. Glem puts his boot onto the ramp.
Glem: Just gonna test the snow.
The boot Glem was wearing falls off and launches into space.
Glem (sits down): Cool! OKay (nervously) It’s ramping time y’all! (slides down the ramp)
The ski ramp sends Glem in exhilarating speeds. Glem then gets an idea to hold onto the sides of the ski ramp to slow himself down. His gloves and his boot caused friction and even started to burn a little to a point where fire showed up. Glem reached to the end of the ramp slowly and landed in a snowplank in Lincoln’s back yard.
Lincoln: He did it!
Irene: All right, Glem!
Steve: Well I guess i had it all wrong. Case closed.
Lincoln: Does this mean you’re not going to smear campaign me?
Steve: There’s always other times for that. So consider that a warning! Unsolved coldest case! I’m a cold chowder man! You can really taste the clams that way.
Glem gets out of the snowplank. His hands and feet had second degree burns.
Sheila: Glem? Are you okay?
Glem: I’m cool! As ice! (laughs) My hands and feet took the worst of it. When summer comes I guess I won’t need my flip flops! Nothing a little ice can’t fix.
Lincoln, Sheila, and Irene watch as Glem walks back to his car. Much to their shock, Glem’s whole backside of his body had the same type of second degree burns as his hands and feet.
Scene 7 Conclusion:
Lincoln, Sheila, Irene, and Glem stood in Lincoln’s backyard, staring at what remained of the ski ramp. Most of it had already been taken apart, leaving behind piles of broken boards, pieces of plywood, screws, plastic sheeting, and a large mound of snow. Glem was wearing bandages around his hands and feet. He looked at the remains of the ramp.
Glem: Well, guys... I think it's time.
Lincoln: Time for what?
Glem: To say goodbye.
Sheila: To the ski ramp?
Glem: To the greatest terrible idea we ever had.
Irene: That's actually a pretty long list.
Lincoln: She's right.
Glem: Lake Tahoe gave us twelve days of happiness. This backyard gave us one dead thrill seeker, a visit from Steve Nichols, second-degree burns, and a massive Home Depot bill.
Sheila: So basically, it was exactly like Tahoe.
Lincoln: Except for the dead guy.
Everyone becomes silent.
Irene: Yeah. Except for that.
Lincoln: All right. Let's get this thing down before somebody else decides to use it. (picks up a crowbar)
Sheila: I'll use my magic to loosen the supports.
Irene: And I'll move the heavier pieces.
Glem: And I'll supervise.
Lincoln: You're helping.
Glem: Damn.
Sheila uses her magic to make the ropes and supports loosen. Irene grabs one of the large wooden beams and carries it away as if it weighs nothing.
Irene: Where do you want this?
Lincoln: By the garage.
Irene: Got it.
Irene throws the beam toward the garage.
CRASH!
Everyone jumps.
Lincoln: Irene!
Irene: What?
Lincoln: You were supposed to carry it!
Irene: I did carry it.
Sheila: For about three seconds.
Glem: Technically, she's not wrong.
They continue dismantling the ramp.
A few minutes later, the top of the ramp finally collapses into a giant pile of lumber and snow.
CRAAAAASH!
Everyone stares at the wreckage.
Lincoln: Well...
Sheila: It's gone.
Irene: Not completely.
She points toward the enormous pile of snow and debris covering the backyard. Glem walks toward the garage.
Glem: Don't worry.
Lincoln: Where are you going?
Sheila: Is he going to do what I think he's going to do?
Everyone watches as Glem returns pushing the snow blower they bought at Home Depot.
Glem: It's time for the final stage.
Irene: You actually kept the snow blower?
Glem: Of course.
Sheila: What are you going to do with it?
Glem starts the engine. The snow blowers goes VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Glem: I'm getting rid of the evidence!
Lincoln: Glem!
Glem: I mean the remnants of the ski ramp!
Pushing the snow blower through the backyard. Glen feels Snow fly through the air as the machine chews through the remaining snow surrounding the ramp.
Sheila: Glem, you're blowing the snow onto Lincoln's lawn!
Glem: It's called landscaping!
Irene: You're also blowing pieces of plywood everywhere!
A small piece of wood flies past Lincoln's head.
Lincoln: Glem!
Glem: Minor landscaping issue!
When Glem keeps going. The snow blower sends the last mound of snow flying over the fence. FWOOOOOSH! Everyone watches as the snow lands somewhere beyond the backyard.
Lincoln: Is that it?
Glem shuts off the snow blower.
Glem: It's done.
They all look at the backyard.
Where the massive ski ramp once stood is now nothing but a slightly flattened patch of snow, a few tire tracks, and one lonely screw sticking out of the ground.
Sheila: It's hard to believe we actually built that thing.
Irene: And even harder to believe we took it down.
Lincoln: At least we'll always have the memories.
Glem pulls out his phone.
Glem: And the video.
Everyone looks at him.
Glem: What?
Sheila: You still have the video of us at Tahoe?
Glem: Of course.
He presses play.
The four of them watch the video of themselves going down the Lake Tahoe ski ramp. They hear their younger voices cheering.
Sheila (on video): THIS IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!!!
Glem (on video): I'M NEVER GOING HOME!
The four friends smile.
Lincoln: You know what?
Irene: What?
Lincoln: Maybe we didn't need to build a ski ramp to get that feeling back.
Sheila: We just needed to remember it.
Glem: That's surprisingly profound coming from a lawyer.
Lincoln: Don't get used to it.
They all laugh. Glem looks back at the empty backyard.
Glem: So... who's up for building a roller coaster?
Lincoln, Sheila, and Irene: NO!
Glem: Worth a shot. (shrugs)
They walk toward the house together. Glem stops.
Glem: Wait!
Everyone turns around.
Glem: We forgot the snow blower!
Irene: Glem, you're holding it.
Glem: Oh. (stares at the snow blower)
Not knowing what button to use, Glem pushes it toward the garage as everyone laughs.
THE END
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