FicWad

Paradise PD


Fanfic title:


Vices and Virtues


By: Trenton Sands


Scene 1:
Coming back to Paradise PD Headquarters. Randall was feeling triumphant that he and his crew, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Stanley have cracked another case.

Randall: That was some case, wasn’t it!


Kevin: I know right? Who knew there was a Satanic Cult at You Store It Some?
Bullet: The food there was good!

Gina: Those Satanic Cult twat waffles! I gave them a few human sacrifices of my own!

Dusty: Duly noted, Gina. My favorite part of this mission was using Stanley as bait. (laughs) he started humping carpets like those female bikers in my favorite Cow and Chicken
episode! (bumps Stanley’s shoulder) Isn’t that right, Stanley?

Stanley doesn’t respond, as he was sleeping the whole ride back.

Dusty: Stanley!! Stanley?!?!? Oh no! Stanley! Wake up!

Randall: What’s going on now?

Dusty: Stanley fell asleep!

Randall: So what! That’s nothing new!

Kevin: He’s always going in and out of sleep.

Dusty: Could be the big one!

Bullet: The Big One? (imitating Red Fox): This is The Big One, This Is The Big One! Hear That, Elizabeth! I’m Comin’ To Join Ya!

Gina: Could it be he finally kicked the bucket?

Kevin checked on Stanley by tapping his chest.

Dusty: Any signs of life?

Kevin: Looks like he is dead. We need to go to the hospital!

Bullet: I regret that Red Foxx joke now.

Randall: OKay. We’ll take him to the hospital and have Dr Funtlicher look at him.

Bullet: Just my luck. We come back from the best mission ever. Now we have to go to a hospital.


Scene 2:

Later on, The Paradise PD are at Paradise Hospital. Dr Funtlicher was examining Stanley who was now sleeping in a hospital bed.

Dusty: What’s the prognosis Doctor? Is it Diagnosis Murder?

Dr Funtlicher: I’m not Dick Van Dyke, but he is showing signs of life. He appears to be in a coma.

Gina: He’s always going in and out of those. Will he this time?

Dr Funtlicher: Hard to say. Stanley is going to have to stay here until we can figure out what’s going on with him.

Bullet: Guess this is our cue to leave now, right?

Dr Funtlicher: Yes. All of you are already making his vital signs go out of whack with your presence. NOW GET OUT!

Kevin, Dusty, Gina, Bullet, and Randall all heed Dr Funtlicher’s order and leave the hospital room Stanley was in. Dr Funtlicher gets a ball out of his pocket.

Dr Funtlicher: Now that they’re gone, I can do this! (throws ball at Stanley) AWAKENINGS!

Randall: Fine! We’ll go! (slams fist on hand): God Dammit! I was never too crazy about the old son of a bitch, but our squad doesn’t feel complete without him.

Kevin: I feel a hole in my heart already.

Bullet: We need to accept the fact he’s probably going to die. If he does I get dibs on his sex toy collection!

Dusty: If he does die, we could send him back to Red Lobster….

Gina: Maybe we should find a replacement for Stanley.

Randall: Good thinking, Gina! We’ll all go back to headquarters and make a sign that reads INTERN WANTED. Kevin get at it!

Kevin: Right Dad! (steps on Randall on the foot)

Randall: AHHHHHH! (kicks the air) Get outta here!


Scene 3:

Momentarily at Paradise PD Headquarters. Kevin puts up a sign that has a rainbow and the Starship Enterprise on it that reads INTERN WANTED. Dusty, Gina, and Randall stand in front of the job posting Kevin just taped to the wall. The poster features a glowing rainbow, the Starship Enterprise, and the words "INTERN WANTED" in glittering letters.

Bullet: Why are you all standing outside? Is this Reality Bites all of the sudden?

Randall: Kevin, why is there a sci-fi spaceship on a job posting? And why is it glowing?

Kevin: (proudly dusting off his hands) It represents forward-thinking and exploratory career opportunities, Chief! Plus, I had leftover glitter from last year’s parade.

Randall winds up to kick Kevin, but the front doors push open. A line of hopeful candidates trickles into the lobby. Randall sits behind his desk, glaring at Candidate One, a middle-aged man wearing a threadbare velvet tuxedo jacket.

Terry: Hello! I am Terry! I run a magic shop like that one in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure!

Randall: So, Terry. What qualifies you to replace an elderly, highly unstable police officer?

Terry (whispering mysteriously) Watch closely, Chief...

Randall watches as Terry dramatically fans out a deck of cards.

Terry (continues) Pick a card. Any card. Is this your card? The Seven of Spades?

Randall: No, it's my social security card, and you just pulled it out of my back pocket! Get the hell out!

Terry throws a handful of flash powder onto the rug. It fails to ignite, creating only a sad cloud of dust. He coughs violently for ten seconds before shuffling out. Candidate 2 is a Golden Retriever wearing a tiny silk necktie, sitting calmly on the chair across from Randall. Gina taps her foot, inspecting the dog.

Gina: I don't know, Chief. He’s got a strong jawline. I respect that. But can he handle high-stress interrogations?

The dog tilts its head and lets out a soft pant, thumping its tail twice against the floor.

Bullet: (trotting in, chewing a squeaky toy) He’s too soft! He lacks the ruthless instinct required for the job! Plus, he’s stealing my spotlight as the token canine on the payroll. Next!

The front door swings open with deliberate force. Faye Maplewood steps in—wearing round glasses, a canvas tote bag covered in political buttons, and an expression of both disapproval and excitement..

Faye: (smiling brightly) Hello, everyone! Is this the Paradise Police Department? I’m Faye Maplewood, and I am so excited to be here!

Randall: Uh... yeah, this is the Paradise PD. What can we do for you, kid?

Faye: (clasping her hands together) I saw your flyer outside! The design was so creative, especially the glitter! I couldn't wait to come in and offer my help. I’ve always wanted to get real hands-on experience and support the team however I can!

Dusty: (whispering to Kevin) She seems really energetic. Do you think that means she brought donuts?

Faye: (giggling cheerfully) I actually brought homemade vegan oat bars if anyone wants one! I’m just super eager to jump in, learn the ropes, help organize the office, and make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible for all of you!

Stepping forward, Gina begins to be narrowing her eyes as she inspects the new applicant.
Gina: Alright, positivity, tone it down a notch. Can you handle high-stress situations and tough cases?

Faye: (nodding eagerly) Absolute 100% dedication! I'm ready to dive right into the deep end, tackle administrative tasks, assist with paperwork, and support field operations in any way I can. You name it, I'm ready to learn it!

Looking over at Kevin and Dusty, who are nodding in agreement. A satisfied grin spreads across Randall's face.

Randall: She's got enthusiasm, and more importantly, she's ready to do the work so I don't have to!

Kevin: (grinning) Honestly, Dad, her positive energy is pretty infectious.

Randall: (slapping his desk) She's hired! Welcome aboard, kid. Your first assignment is helping Dusty organize the breakroom shelves!

Faye: (saluting enthusiastically) On it, Chief! I won't let you down!



Scene 4:

In the conference room. Faye stands near the front desk holding her canvas tote bag, looking around with bright curiosity.

Faye: So, Chief, if I’m taking over as an intern, what happened to the officer who usually works at this desk? Where’s Stanley?

Kevin (sighs, rubbing the back of his neck): Stanley’s in a coma right now over at Paradise Hospital. Dr. Funtlicher is looking after him. That’s why we put up the flyer—you’re basically his temporary replacement.

Faye (gasping, clutching her tote bag) Oh no! I miss Stanley so much already! Honestly, I think he’s so amazingly brave. To be openly LGBTQ back when he was young must have taken so much courage. He's a true icon!

Bullet (squinting) I don't know if "brave" is the word I’d use, but he definitely didn't care what anyone thought.

Faye (beaming with intense determination) Well, I’ve decided! I want to spend a whole week shadowing all of you! Every single day!

Bullet (looking directly at the camera) Why do I feel a BASEketball scenario is about to happen?
Faye hugs and squeezes Bullet and kisses him.

Bullet: Get her off me! I…Can’t…..Breathe!

Faye: You feel sorry for George Floyd too?

Bullet feels Faye letting her go.

Faye: You are just so adorable I can’t help myself. I’d do anything to protect you! (kisses Bullet)

Bullet: SHIT! And I thought Miss Whiskers liked it rough. (coughs)

The next day in the break room. Faye sets up a tablet on the breakroom table. Randall, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet gather around.

Faye: Okay team, for my first official day, I made something special to showcase my creative skill set! Check this out!

Tapping the screen. Faye shows An animated video plays featuring an anthropomorphic wolf character in full stylized fur gear, lip-syncing passionately to "Misery" by Maroon 5 with dramatic camera pans and glowing effects.

Misery by Maroon 5 plays from the tablet

Randall(staring at the screen, genuinely surprised) Well, holy shit!. The animation frame rate on that is actually smoother than our department's entire operating budget.

Gina: I hate to admit it, but that wolf's rhythm is pretty impressive.

Kevin: That was awesome, Faye! You’ve got serious talent.

The day after Randall, Gina, Kevin, and Dusty step out of the police cruiser, tactical gear on.

Randall: Alright squad, keep your eyes peeled. This is a high-risk location. Faye, stay right behind—wait, where the hell is Faye?


Kevin: I’ll find her!

Dusty and Kevin jog around the corner into an adjacent alley. Faye is standing in front of a ring light mounted on a tripod, aggressively performing a viral dance routine. "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet blasting from a portable speaker.

Faye (dancing energetically while filming her phone) So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come along with me! You look so fine I really wanna make you mine! 4 5 6 come on and get your kicks…..

Randall (stomping into the frame, face turning bright red) DAMMIT Faye, FOCUS! WE ARE ON A POLICE MISSION!

Faye (giggling cheerfully, stopping the recording) Oh, Chief! Don't be such a square, it’s just for my TikTok! The lighting in this alley was simply irresistible!

Randall (groaning and rubbing his temples) Lord give me strength...



Scene 5:


Washing machines hum in the background. Randall, Gina, Kevin, Dusty, and Faye sit on plastic chairs surrounded by baskets of police uniforms.

Faye: While our clothes are in the spin cycle, I brought some art I drew of everyone! (pulls out a sketchpad.) Here’s one of me and Gina being best friends at a spa day!

Gina (looking at the drawing) Huh. You drew my temper pretty accurately. I’ll allow it.

Faye: And here’s a solo portrait of Kevin looking heroic! And... ta-da!

Then Faye flips to an elaborate colored drawing of Kevin and Gina standing at an altar in wedding attire, surrounded by flowers.

Kevin (recoiling) Whoa, whoa, wait! What is this?!

Gina (glaring at the paper): Is that... us getting married?! SHIT! Faye, Kevin and I never dated! Kevin and I agree we ONLY work as co-workers! That’s all, nothing else!

Kevin: Yeah! I would not date Gina if my life depended on it, and that's okay by me!

Gina: Add it to the fact that I'm in the mid 30's!

Kevin: I graduated from high school a year ago!

Gina: Why would a woman like me in her mid 30's want to marry an 18 year old man?

Kevin: I'm sticking to women my own age, thank you very much!

As her smile collapses. Faye's eyes fill with tears.

Faye (sniffling, voice trembling): But... but the dynamic... the romantic subtext...Kevin is the main character, and Gina is the lead female! They're perfect for each other!
Dusty (patting her shoulder gently) Hey, look, Faye... we can't always get what we want in life. Believe me, I know that better than anyone. Those sons of bitches at Disney cancelling Wall Eye
Wally!


Scene 6:


As they day goes by. Coming back from the laundromat Faye walks down the hallway, still looking sniffly and visibly hurt from yesterday's conversation. She stops outside a cell where Robbie and Delbert are sitting on the floor playing jacks.

Faye (gasping loudly in excitement) OMG! Robbie and Delbert! You guys are literally my absolute favorite characters in the whole town!

Robbie (looking up from the floor) We got a motherfucking fan here!

Delbert: Hopefully not one like Kathy Bates.

Robbie: Well, hey there, little lady. Say, since you're the new intern with the keys right there on your belt... how about you slip that key in the lock and help two handsome gentlemen escape?

Delbert: We'll make it a threesome if you'd like.

Faye: Hmm you guys sure can be horny at times! How about I draw a picture of you guys instead?

Delbert: A picture? Well, shit, I reckon a custom portrait sounds mighty fine while we wait!
As she rapidly scribbles on her sketchbook for two minutes with intense artistic focus. Faye was done with the fanart.

Faye: Done! What do you think?!

She turns the sketchpad around. Robbie and Delbert lean in, read the captions, examine the hearts and romantic poses, and instantly shriek in utter horror.

Robbie (screaming at the top of his lungs): YOU DREW US BEING GAY!!!! WE'RE STRAIGHT YOU DUMBASS BITCH!

Delbert: WE ARE NOT GAY! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? GODS AND MONSTERS?!

Running out of the cell, Robbie snatches a concealed revolver from his tank top and starts firing frantically at the ceiling and floor.

Robbie: GET THAT MADWOMAN OUTTA HERE!

Faye (screaming in panic) AHHHHHHH!

As she sprints out of the holding area at top speed, Faye feels tears streaming down her face, as gunfire pops behind her. She bursts back into the main office area where the crew is relaxing.

Faye (gasping for air, crying) Wh-where is Fitz?! Where is Officer Fitz?!

Randall (shrugging without looking up from his coffee) Oh, he dropped out of this job a long time ago.

Bullet: (licking a paw) Yeah, Fitz never got over being evil.

Dusty: At first he was a kingpin, now he’s head of Lovely Corp.

Faye (horrified) Are you saying you'll NEVER arrest him?!

Kevin: No, we just let him do what he wants.

Faye: (bursting into dramatic sobs) That's terrible! Fitz being a villain is totally racist! He should be a hero again and start a loving family with Dolphin Queen!

Gina (flatly) He killed her too, from what I gather.

Faye (wailing, wiping her nose) WHAT?! NO! What about Thester Carbomb?! That Thester guy... he was a shrink who reformed Fitz! Where is he?!

Bullet: Him? Oh, he was never a shrink. He was really just an uneducated employee at a furniture store who worked part-time and died in an explosion. Spend most of his free time ripping off people in bowling alleys, casinos, and roller rinks.

Faye (falling to her knees, crying uncontrollably and ranting) NOOOOO! THIS IS ALL WRONG! Fitz was so sweet! His redemption arc was ruined! I never cared about Thester but him being a shrink worked so well! The whole narrative continuity is broken! THIS IS A TRAVESTY!


Scene 7:


Muffled piano chords and dramatic vocals ring out from behind the heavy metal door of the evidence locker. "My Immortal" by Evanescence echoes through the corridor.

Faye: (singing along dramatically through tears) "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real..."

Dusty (knocking gently on the door) Come on out, Faye! You've been in there for almost an hour! We can talk about narrative continuity!

Gina (banging her fist against the steel) Faye, open up or I’m kicking this door off its hinges! You remember how violent I can be!

Bullet (glaring at the door, pacing furiously) She better not be getting into my cocaine in there! If my stash is touched, somebody’s going to pay!

Kevin (scratching his head) Why is she playing such spooky music? Maybe she's watching Amityville movies there or something?

Randall (marching down the hallway, veins popping on his forehead) Faye! Turn off that god damn fucking ghost piano music and get your butt out here right now! Who’s playing that song, Adrien Brody from The Pianist?

Kevin: Seriously, what is she even doing in there?

Gina: Step back. I'm done asking nicely.

Taking two steps back, Gina lunges forward, and delivers a massive kick directly to the lock. The door crashes open, slamming hard against the interior wall. Faye runs crying down the hallway, slams the heavy metal door to the evidence locker shut, and turns the lock from the inside. Seconds later, dramatic, melancholy music begins blasting from inside the locker.

My Immortal by Evanescence continues to play loudly from behind the door)\ Dusty and Gina rush up to the locked door, looking concerned. Dusty knocks softly on the steel frame.

Dusty Faye? Honey? Please come out of the evidence locker. It’s okay!

Gina (banging her fist on the door) Yo Twat Waffle! open up before I break this door down! I’m warning you fucking twat waffle! You can't just lock yourself in police property!

Bullet (trotting up, ears pinned back, growling angrily) She better not be getting into my cocaine! If I find one sniff missing from baggie #4, so help me God!

Kevin (scratching his head) Why is she playing such super sad music? Maybe she’s in there watching Amityville movies?

Randall (to Kevin) you said that twice already! (marching down the hall, red-faced and vein-popping) I don't give a damn what movie she's watching! Faye! Why did that ghost piano music suddenly turn into a rock ballad? The hell with it! That’s not important. We demand you get your ass out here right now!

Kevin: Come on, Faye. We can talk things out.

Gina: Out of the way!

Taking two steps back, Gina charges forward, and kicks the heavy door straight off its hinges with a loud CRASH.


Scene 8:


The door hits the floor. The squad stares inside, horrified. The walls of the evidence locker are completely covered in taped-up fan art. On the left wall: Drawings of Fitz as a shining superhero, happily married to Dolphin Queen, holding a baby labeled "Fitz Jr."
On the right wall:

Kevin and Gina on a romantic picnic feeding each other strawberries. Next to it, a massive poster of Kevin dressed as a majestic superhero, heroically saving Gina—who is drawn as a helpless damsel in distress tied to a chair with a giant bow in her hair.
On the back wall:

A deeply detailed drawing of Robbie and Delbert in an extremely compromising, romantic position. Surrounding those are dozens of drawings of Faye holding a mug labeled "Here Some Choccy Milk Cuz You're Epic." And even more pictures of Faye of her as 26 genders and Faye holding a rainbow that says LOVE ALWAYS WINS. Even larger fan art of her other favorite adult cartoons, Mating Season and Captain Laserhawk, completely outnumber the Paradise PD sketches.

Dusty: She’s gone full blown narc! Drawing pictures of herself?

Bullet marches in and slams his paw onto Faye’s phone, stopping the music mid-chorus.

Faye (gasping, tears streaming down her face) Hey! That was "My Immortal" by Evanescence! Why did you turn off my music?! It reminds me of Kevin and Gina's doomed tragic passion!

The entire Paradise PD team stands in stunned, mortified silence as they look at the art.

Bullet (pointing a paw at the wall) Hold on a minute! Look at all these pictures! I thought WE were your favorite cartoon!

Faye (crossing her arms, wiping her nose) Well, I’m over you guys now!

Kevin (staring at her) A week ago you were literally our number one fan!

Randall (rubbing his forehead, groaning) Oh, shit. You’re one of those Gen Zs who go from one hyperfixation to another in forty-eight hours!

Faye (gasping, deeply offended) Excuse me?! That is so toxic! You know what? The police are inherently violent and should be defunded anyway! I hope a Democrat becomes our next President so they can shut this place down forever!

Kevin (ignoring the rant, pointing at the wall in utter disbelief) Wait, back up! Us on a picnic?! Me as a superhero?!

Gina (glaring daggers at the paper) And me as a damsel tied to a chair?! I have a body count, Faye! I don't get tied to chairs!

Kevin And what is that picture of Robbie and Delbert doing a porn?!

Faye (defensively shouting back) Because that’s how it SHOULD be! It’s called vision! It’s called subtext!

Bullet (snickering, pointing at a drawing) Oh, please! And you actually like Mating Season? What a trash taste in shows!

Dusty (stepping forward, shaking his head disappointedly) That's it. Faye, you leave us no choice. You're out of the internship! You're fired!

Faye (screaming) YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT! I'll quiet quit!

In a fit of rage, Faye starts smashing evidence boxes, kicking over shelf units, knocking over plastic bags of evidence, and tearing her drawings off the wall.

Kevin: Yeah, she's quietly quitting all right!

Randall HEY! STOP DESTROYING POLICE EVIDENCE!

The squad angrily closes in on her, cornering her against the back wall. Faye looks up, widening her eyes, putting on a sweet, innocent voice.

Faye (smiling creeping into her face) Do you guys... want to play a game?

Randall (grabbing her by the back of her hoodie) Yeah! We’re gonna play WarGames with you, just like that movie with Matthew Broderick—where the only winning move is GETTING THE HELL OUT!

Bullet and Randall toss Faye out the front doors. She lands on the sidewalk with a thud, her canvas tote bag spilling out next to her. The heavy front doors slam shut.

Now finding herself as she sits on the pavement, Faye feels tears welling up in her eyes as she gathers her sketchpads.

Faye (yelling back at the building, sniffing loudly) YEAH, WELL, I NEVER LIKED PARADISE PD ANYWAY! Randall IS A TYRANT!

She stands up, Faye is now stomping her foot down the street, crying and shouting at the top of her lungs

Faye: Kevin DESERVED TO HAVE "Kevin SUCKS DAY" HAPPENED TO HIM! Dusty GLORIFIES OBESITY and UNHEALTHY EATING! Gina IS A LITERAL SERIAL KILLER! AND I HOPE Bullet CATCHES RABIES AND GETS TAXIDERMIED!

She turns the corner, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

Faye (still ranting): Mating Season and Captain Laserhawk are way better anyway! At least those shows know how to be woke!

Pulls out her smartphone out of her pocket with shaky, Faye feels furious fingers and speed-dials a contact labeled "Bernie FLUID, a lanky young man wearing a black hoodie, rainbow wristbands, and a pronoun pin that reads THEY/THEM/FLUID.

Bernie: Faye! Babe! Get in!

Faye opens the passenger door, throws her tote bag into the back seat, and practically collapses into the car.

Faye: (bursting into tears) BERNIE! THEY'RE MONSTERS! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!

Bernie: (gasping dramatically) Oh my God! Who? The police? The cops? The carceral oppressors?

Faye: YES! Randall CRAWFORD IS A TYRANT! Kevin HAS NO RESPECT FOR MY ART! Gina IS A VIOLENT THREAT TO THE COMMUNITY! AND Bullet WISHED RABIES UPON ME!

Bernie: (slamming his fist against the steering wheel) THAT'S LITERALLY VIOLENCE!

The horn blares. A pedestrian gives them the finger.

Bernie: (shouting out the window) CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, YOU VEHICLE-CENTRIC COLONIZER!

He turns back to Faye and gently pats her shoulder.

Bernie: There, there, sweetheart. You know what? I've been through this kind of systemic oppression myself.


Scene 9:

Driving to Goopy Goopers, Faye was knee-deep in conversation with her boyfriend Bernie.

Faye: (sniffling) You have?

Bernie: Absolutely. Ever since I changed my name from Bernie Oldbauer to Bernie Fluid, people keep trying to call me by my deadname!

Faye: (horrified) Old-Bauer?! That's basically a hate crime!

Bernie: Exactly! Bernie Fluid is my authentic identity. Bernie Oldbauer is dead to me. And yet my mom still puts "Bernie Oldbauer" on my birthday cards!

Faye: Your mother needs to educate herself!

Bernie: She says I'm twenty-six and should get a job that pays more than minimum wage.

Faye: (gasping) CAPITALIST PROPAGANDA!

Bernie: And she keeps asking when I'm moving out of her basement!

Faye: BOOMER MENTALITY!

Bernie nods solemnly, putting the car into gear.

Faye: We're here, good.

Bernie: That's why we're going to Goopy Goopers. The squad is waiting for us.

Faye: (wiping her eyes) The Woke DEI Vice and Virtue Squad?

Bernie: The very same.

He accelerates down the street.

Bernie: We're going to turn our collective trauma into a teachable moment.

Faye: (her expression hardening) No. We're going to turn it into REVENGE.

Bernie: Now that's what I call restorative justice. (grins)

EXT. GOOPY GOOPERS — NIGHT

Bernie's sedan pulls into the parking lot of GOOPY GOOPERS, a fast-food restaurant with a giant cartoon mascot shaped like a green blob.

Unfortunately, the restaurant is closed. A handwritten sign on the front door reads: CLOSED FOR THE DAY. PLEASE COME BACK TOMORROW.

Faye stares at the sign in disbelief.

Faye: (whispering) No.

She steps closer.

Faye: No, no, no, no, NO!

She shakes the locked door.

Faye: HOW CAN YOU CLOSE A RESTAURANT BEFORE EVERYONE HAS HAD AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TO EAT?!

Bernie: Babe, it's nine o'clock.

Faye: TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!

Then Bernie pulls out his phone and sends a message to their group chat.

Bernie: Whatever. The squad is meeting behind the building.

They walk around the corner.

Scene 10:

A group of six young adults sits around a plastic folding table covered with energy-drink cans, half-eaten vegan burgers, protest signs, and several laptops.

They are the WOKE DEI VICE AND VIRTUE SQUAD.

Their members include:

Juniper Pronouns, a non-binary activist who wears a different set of pronoun pins every day.

Ashley Theyson, a self-described intersectional revolutionary who livestreams practically everything.

Dexx Morrison, an aspiring social-media influencer who calls himself an abolitionist but has never read a book about abolition.

Skyler Rain, a climate activist who drives a gas-guzzling SUV borrowed from their parents.

River Justice, a college dropout who claims capitalism personally owes them an apology.

Chadwick "Chad" Equity, a former fraternity bro who discovered social justice after being banned from three dating apps.

Everyone looks up as Faye approaches, sobbing.

Juniper: Oh my God! Faye! What happened to your face?

Faye: (wailing) THE PARADISE POLICE DEPARTMENT HAPPENED!

Everyone gasps.

Ashley: Wait. The same Paradise PD that employs cops?

Faye: YES!

Dexx: That's literally their entire brand.

Faye: They mocked my fan art! They fired me! They rejected my vision for Kevin and Gina's relationship! They refused to acknowledge that Fitz deserves a redemption arc!

River: (shaking their head) This is what happens when institutions refuse to center marginalized voices.

Chad: We should cancel them.

Skyler: Cancel them? We should make them go viral for all the wrong reasons!

Bernie: (raising a hand) Friends, I believe we've exhausted the performative activism phase of this discussion.

Everyone stares at him.

Bernie: It's time to escalate.

He places his phone on the table and pulls up a photograph of a newly constructed retirement community.

The image shows a beautiful complex with landscaped gardens, spacious apartments, a swimming pool, and a sign reading PARADISE PALMS RETIREMENT COMMUNITY — GRAND OPENING TODAY!

Faye: (narrowing her eyes) A retirement community?

Bernie: Paradise Palms. A luxury retirement development for senior citizens.

Dexx: Senior citizens?

Ashley: You mean BOOMERS?!

The entire group erupts into angry shouting.

River: Those people had affordable housing!

Skyler: They had pensions!

Chad: They had houses that cost three dollars and a handshake!

Juniper: And now we're expected to work minimum-wage jobs while living with our parents? That's intergenerational violence!

Faye: (standing up, raising both fists) EXACTLY! They took everything from us! The housing market, the economy, the future, and probably the last decent avocado toast!

Bernie: We could spend the next thirty years writing angry posts about it.

Faye: Or we could do something that makes the Paradise PD show up!

A long silence follows. Bernie slowly smiles.

Bernie: Now you're thinking strategically.

Ashley: What are you proposing?

Dexx points to the photograph of Paradise Palms.

Bernie: We make the grand opening impossible to ignore. The Paradise PD will have to respond. We'll draw them into a confrontation, expose them on camera, and make the whole town watch.

Dexx: And the retirement community?

Faye: (with exaggerated theatrical intensity) We demolish it!

Everyone stares at her.

River: You mean... literally demolish a building full of elderly people?

Faye: It's a metaphorical demolition of the generational power structure!

Bernie: (nodding quickly) Yes! A symbolic protest! With very real property damage, apparently.

Juniper: And what about the residents?

Faye: They're Boomers!

Juniper: Fair point.

Chad: I have one question. Are we getting paid for this?

Bernie: No.

Chad: Then I'm doing it for the cause.

Ashley: We need costumes.

Dexx: Squid Game costumes! The pink guards and red symbols are visually striking, and the masks will make us look mysterious!

Skyler: What about music?

Her eyes light up.

Faye: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!

She snatches up her phone.

Faye: "WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE!"

Bernie: That's perfect! Nothing says peaceful social change like screaming emo music at a volume that violates several noise ordinances!

River: So it's settled?

Everyone and Bernie place their hands in the middle of the table.

Bernie: For justice!

Faye: For equality!

Juniper: For intersectionality!

Dexx: For engagement!

Chad: For free food!

Everyone stacks their hands together.

ALL: THE WOKE DEI VICE AND VIRTUE SQUAD!

Ashley: Wait. Are we the vice or the virtue?

Bernie: We'll workshop that later.



Scene 11:


A bright, sunny morning. A crowd of senior citizens, local officials, reporters, and invited guests gathers outside the entrance to Paradise Palms.

A brass band plays cheerful music. Balloons float in the breeze. A long red ribbon stretches across the front doors.

Standing at a podium is Mayor Karen Crawford, dressed in a smart blue suit and wearing a broad political smile.

Karen: Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, and our wonderful future residents, welcome to Paradise Palms!

The crowd applauds.

Karen: Today marks an exciting new chapter for our community. Paradise Palms will provide our senior citizens with comfort, dignity, recreation, and the opportunity to enjoy the retirement they've worked so hard to earn!

A group of elderly residents cheer enthusiastically.

Elderly Man: I can't wait to use the pool!

Elderly Woman: I heard they have a bingo room!

Another Resident: And a bowling alley!

Karen: And now, with great pride, I officially declare Paradise Palms open!

She raises a pair of oversized ceremonial scissors and cuts the ribbon.

SNIP!

The crowd erupts into cheers and applause.

Crowd: HOORAY!

Confetti cannons pop.

Suddenly, from across the street, a deafening wall of guitar music blasts through enormous portable speakers.

“Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance — playing at an absurdly high volume.

The crowd turns.

A group of figures in pink and red Squid Game-style costumes marches toward the retirement community. Faye leads the procession, carrying a megaphone. Bernie marches beside her. Behind them are the Woke DEI Vice and Virtue Squad. Their costumes are mismatched, their masks are crooked, and one member has somehow attached a rainbow flag to a plastic triangle mask.

Faye: (shouting into the megaphone) ATTENTION, BOOMER PRIVILEGE HOLDERS! YOUR GENERATIONAL MONOPOLY IS OVER!

Bernie: (through a megaphone of his own) THIS IS A DIRECT ACTION AGAINST INTERGENERATIONAL INEQUITY!

Chad: (marching out of step) AND SOMEBODY BETTER HAVE A VEGAN CATERING TABLE!

Karen (shocked): Excuse me! Who are these people, and why are they playing heavy metal at a retirement ceremony?!

Faye: We are the Woke DEI Vice and Virtue Squad! And we're here to hold this community accountable! (runs to the podium)

Karen: Accountable for WHAT?!

Faye: FOR BEING OLD!

A stunned silence falls over the crowd.

Elderly Woman: Well, that's a new one.

Bernie: (pointing dramatically at the building) You people inherited the entire economy and left us with student debt, unaffordable rent, and entry-level jobs that demand five years of experience!

Elderly Man: I'm eighty-two. I worked in a steel mill for forty years.

Chad: That's exactly the sort of privilege we're talking about!

Elderly Man: I lost two fingers in that mill!

Chad: And did you lose them intersectionally?!

Running away from the podium. Karen watches in fear.

Karen: All right, that's enough! This is a private retirement community, and you're disrupting a lawful public event. Turn off that music and leave the premises immediately!

Now Faye was staring at her. Then she slowly turns toward Bernie.

Faye: Is she... telling us what to do?

Bernie: She's exercising institutional authority over marginalized youth.

Faye: (horrified) A MAYORAL MICROAGGRESSION!

Karen: I beg your pardon?!

Faye: SQUAD! INITIATE THE PROTEST!

Scene 12:

The group surges forward, overwhelms the startled mayor and her security detail, and forces their way toward the entrance amid a chaotic crush of costumes, shouting, and blaring music.

Now Karen is knocked off balance and restrained by several masked protesters as the crowd scatters.

Karen: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I'M THE MAYOR!

Bernie: Your title doesn't exempt you from accountability!

Karen: IT DOES WHEN YOU'RE ASSAULTING AN ELECTED OFFICIAL!

Faye points toward the retirement community.

Faye: EVERYONE INSIDE! WE'RE GOING TO MAKE HISTORY!

The Squad rushes into the building, where alarms immediately begin sounding.

A security guard reaches for his radio.

Security Guard: We've got an unauthorized mob inside Paradise Palms! Somebody call the police!

From somewhere in the building, a crash echoes through the lobby.

Karen: (struggling free) THIS IS ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!

She scrambles toward a nearby bench, retrieves her phone, and dials a familiar number. Karen ducks behind a decorative planter as the music continues to thunder from the speakers. She presses the phone to her ear.

Randall (V.O.): (answering irritably) Crawford.

Karen: Randall! It's Karen!

Randall (V.O.): I KNOW WHO IT IS! YOU'RE CALLING MY PHONE!

Karen: I NEED HELP! A GROUP OF MASKED LUNATICS HAS INVADED PARADISE PALMS!

Randall (V.O.): What?!

Karen: THEY'RE WEARING SQUID GAME COSTUMES! THEY'RE BLASTING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! THEY'VE FORCED THEIR WAY INTO THE BUILDING, AND I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO DESTROY IT!

Randall (V.O.): What the hell does My Chemical Romance have to do with anything?!

Karen: Randall, THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS YOUR MUSICAL TASTE!

A loud crash echoes behind her. Karen ducks.

Karen: OH, MY GOD! SOMETHING JUST EXPLODED!

Randall (V.O.): DID YOU SAY EXPLODED?!

Karen: I DON'T KNOW! I'M A MAYOR, NOT A FORENSIC EXPERT!

Randall (V.O.): All right, all right! I'm on my way! Stay somewhere safe, and don't do anything stupid!

Karen: I'M HIDING BEHIND A PLANTER WHILE A GANG OF EMO COMMUNISTS TRIES TO DESTROY A RETIREMENT HOME! HOW MUCH STUPIDER CAN IT GET?! (to herself) I divorced that man for a reason.

Randall (V.O.): Knowing this town? Don't tempt fate! (hangs up)


Scene 13:


At Paradise Hospital Stanley lies motionless in his hospital bed, connected to monitoring equipment. Dr. Funtlicher enters the room carrying a clipboard and a cup of coffee.

Dr. Funtlicher: Well, Stanley, still sleeping, I see. You know, most people at least have the decency to wake up when someone throws a ball at them.

He checks Stanley's vital signs.

Dr. Funtlicher: Nothing unusual. Heart rate stable. Blood pressure is acceptable. Brain activity
Suddenly, the monitor begins beeping rapidly. HUH?

Stanley's fingers twitch. His eyes flutter. Then, with the force of a man who has slept through several decades of bad decisions, Stanley bolts upright in bed.

Stanley: (gasping) MY FELLOW SENIORS ARE IN TROUBLE!

Dr. Funtlicher drops his clipboard.

Dr. Funtlicher: JESUS CHRIST!

Stanley rips the oxygen monitor off his finger and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

Dr. Funtlicher: Stanley! You were in a coma!

Stanley: NOT ANYMORE!

Dr. Funtlicher: You can't just wake up and leave! We haven't completed your neurological assessment!

Stanley: DOC, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR MEDICAL MALARKEY! I HAVE A SIXTH SENSE ABOUT THESE THINGS!

Dr. Funtlicher: A sixth sense?! Does that mean you see dead people?

Stanley: YES! MY SENIOR CITIZEN SPIDEY-SENSE IS TINGLING!

Stanley points dramatically toward the window.

Stanley: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, A BUNCH OF YOUNG ASSWIPERS ARE HARASSING MY GENERATION!

Dr. Funtlicher: Stanley, how on Earth could you possibly know that?

Stanley pauses. He tilts his head. From a television in the corner of the room, a breaking-news report is playing.

Kurt Connors (on TV): We're receiving reports of a disturbance at the newly opened Paradise Palms Retirement Community. Witnesses say a group of masked young protesters has entered the building—

Then Stanley slowly turns toward the television. His eyes widen.

Stanley: I KNEW IT!

Dr. Funtlicher: That's not a sixth sense! That's the local news!

Stanley: DETAILS, DETAILS!

Yanking the hospital gown off his shoulders, Stanley grabs his clothes from a nearby chair.

Dr. Funtlicher: You can't leave the hospital in your condition!

Stanley: WATCH ME, DOC!

He pulls on his trousers to hus uniform , accidentally puts one leg through both pant legs, corrects himself, and marches toward the door.

Stanley: I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING THE MOST UNSTABLE OLD BASTARD IN PARADISE! I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET SOME EMO KIDS DESTROY A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY WITHOUT ME!

Dr. Funtlicher: At least let me call an ambulance!

Stanley: I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES!

Stanley bursts out into the corridor.

A nurse carrying a tray of medication nearly drops everything.

Nurse: Stanley?! YOU'RE AWAKE?!

Stanley: DAMN RIGHT I'M AWAKE! AND I'M GOING TO SAVE MY FELLOW SENIORS!

He charges toward the hospital exit.

Dr. Funtlicher: (running after him) SOMEBODY STOP THAT PATIENT!

Stanley disappears around the corner, shouting at the top of his lungs.

Stanley (O.S.): OLD PEOPLE UNITE! THE YOUTH ARE OUT OF CONTROL!

Dr. Funtlicher stops in the hallway, breathing heavily.

He looks directly toward the camera.

Dr. Funtlicher: Eldery. You can't live with them. You can't live without them. Man I wish Dr Kevorkian were still alive!


Scene 14 Concluscion:



Scene 14 Conclusion



A police cruiser screeches to a halt outside Paradise Palms. Randall, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet jump out to find the retirement community in complete chaos. Smoke rises from shattered windows as residents flee and the WOKE DEI Vice and Virtue Squad chants in the courtyard.

Faye and Bernie stand triumphantly on the front steps.

Faye: THE AGE OF BOOMER DOMINATION IS OVER!

Bernie: WE DEMAND A REDISTRIBUTION OF PRIVILEGE!

Randall: Oh, you've got to be shitting me!

Faye: Paradise PD! Right on schedule! Prepare to face the consequences of your oppression!

Randall: YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET EVER SETTING FOOT IN MY TOWN!

The opening riff of “Holiday in Cambodia” blasts from a nearby speaker.

Dusty: Now that's a soundtrack.

Faye: SQUAD, ATTACK!

The Squad charges, and the courtyard erupts into a ridiculous brawl.

Gina throws Juniper into a hedge. Kevin tackles Dexx into a pile of cushions and handcuffs him. Bullet bites Skyler's costume while insisting he's a police officer. Dusty swings a foam protest sign, knocking Chad into a fountain, while Randall grabs River and throws him onto a pile of banners.

Bernie desperately tries to rally his teammates.

Bernie: HOLD THE LINE! REMEMBER OUR TRAINING!

Ashley: WE WATCHED THREE PODCASTS!

Bernie: WHATEVER! FIGHT!

Gina promptly dumps Ashley into a stack of cardboard boxes.

Faye shrieks as her squad gets beaten back.

Faye: THIS IS POLICE BRUTALITY!

Randall: YOU STARTED THE FIGHT!

Faye: THAT'S IRRELEVANT TO THE NARRATIVE!

Looking around, Dusty spots several catapults left over from a historical reenactment.

Dusty: Chief, why don't we settle this like they did in Addams Family Values?

Kevin: Why does a retirement community have catapults?

Randall: I DON'T KNOW, KEVIN! LOAD THEM UP!

The officers load the catapults with oversized padded projectiles and fire. The ammunition flies across the courtyard, sending Squad members tumbling into bushes, flower beds, and decorative cushions.

Chad: I'M EXPERIENCING WATER-BASED OPPRESSION!

Dusty: YOU'RE EXPERIENCING A SWIMMING LESSON!

The remaining Squad retreats toward the parking lot, only to find themselves cornered near a sewer grate.

Bernie: WE HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND!

Kevin: YOU'RE STANDING NEXT TO A SEWER!

Bernie: THAT'S A METAPHOR!

Suddenly, Stanley appears at the courtyard entrance, looking remarkably healthy for someone who was recently in a coma.

Randall: Stanley?!

Stanley: Can't a man wake up from a coma and go for a walk?

Kevin hugs him.

Kevin: You're alive! (hugs Stanley)

Stanley: OF COURSE I'M ALIVE! I'M TOO STUBBORN TO DIE!

Stanley rolls up his sleeves and charges into battle. He swings a garden hose like a lasso, sending two Squad members spinning into a pile of leaves.

Stanley: THAT'S WHAT I CALL RETIREMENT PLANNING!

Bullet rides a protest sign like a skateboard, crashing into another attacker, while Gina knocks opponents into flowerpots. Dusty fires the catapult one last time, scattering the remaining Squad.

Randall and Kevin corner Faye and Bernie beside the sewer grate.

Randall: IT'S OVER!

Faye: YOU'LL NEVER SILENCE OUR VOICES!

Before Gina can grab them, Stanley steps forward and lets out an enormous fart.

Everyone freezes.

Stanley: Say hello to the battle of the bulge!

Bullet collapses laughing.

Bullet: THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SMELLED!

Randall: CAN WE PLEASE FINISH THIS?!

The Squad backs toward the sewer grate, which suddenly gives way beneath them. Juniper, Ashley, Chad, River, and the others tumble into the sewer with a chorus of screams.

Faint voices echo from below.

Juniper (O.S.): I DEMAND A SAFE WORKING ENVIRONMENT!

Ashley (O.S.): THERE'S NO WI-FI DOWN HERE!

Chad (O.S.): I NEED A SANDWICH!

Randall: GOOD RIDDANCE!

Then a gigantic baboon pops out of a nearby manhole, looks around, and vomits the entire Squad onto the pavement in a heap of sewer sludge.

Kevin: Dad, I think the baboon just threw up six people.

Randall: THANK YOU, KEVIN! I HAVE EYES!

The baboon wanders off as Faye and Bernie sit nearby, sobbing over their ruined careers and sludge-covered costumes.

Gina ties them to a sturdy pole while Bullet gathers sticks for what he calls a victory barbecue. He lights a fire beneath the pole.

Randall: BULLET! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Bullet: WHAT? I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A VICTORY BARBECUE!

Before anyone can stop him, the enormous baboon returns, opens its mouth, and swallows Faye and Bernie whole. GULP! The fire goes out. Silence. Randall, Stanley, Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet stare at the animal as it burps and casually wanders away.

Randall: ...Well, that's one way to end an internship.

Stanley: I LIKE THAT BABOON!

Bullet: BEST DAY EVER!

The six burst into laughter. The officers survey the wreckage. Broken flowerpots, shattered windows, a damaged fountain, and enormous holes in the landscaping surround them. Suddenly, Mayor Karen storms around the corner, covered in dust and absolutely furious.

Karen: RANDALL CRAWFORD! LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

Randall: Hey, Karen.

Karen: DON'T YOU "HEY, KAREN" ME! I SPENT MONTHS BUILDING THIS COMMUNITY, AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A PACK OF DRUNKEN GORILLAS HELD A WRESTLING MATCH IN A DEMOLITION YARD!

Dusty: Technically, there was a baboon. Looked like something Terry Gilliam could've conjured up!

Karen: WHAT?!

Dusty: Nothing!

Karen demands to know who destroyed the property, fired the catapults, started the fire, and allowed a baboon to eat two people.

Everyone looks at Randall.

Randall: Look, we'll repair the building, replace the landscaping, and take care of the residents.

Karen: YOU HAVE ONE WEEK! OR I'LL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL!

Randall: Understood.

Karen storms away, muttering about baboons and city council meetings.

Bullet: So, who's buying lunch?

Randall: YOU'RE ALL HELPING CLEAN UP FIRST!

Everyone groans. The exhausted officers sit on overturned chairs while maintenance workers inspect the damage.

Randall: Well, that was one hell of a day.

Kevin: This all started because we needed an intern to replace Stanley.

Dusty: Then we hired Faye, and everything went to hell.

Gina: No more interns.

Stanley: Damn straight!

Randall: That's settled. We're NEVER hiring another intern!

Everyone raises a hand in agreement.

All six: NEVER AGAIN!

Bullet: So, does that mean I'm getting a raise?

Randall: NO!

Suddenly, Hobo Cop appears, carrying a battered cardboard box full of office supplies.

Hobo Cop: You know, this never would've happened if you'd made me an intern.

Randall: GET OUT OF HERE, HOBO COP!

Hobo Cop: Fine! But when you need another intern, don't come crying to me!

He walks away, dragging his box behind him.

Kevin: At least he didn't destroy a retirement community.

Dusty: Give him time.

Stanley leans back and closes his eyes.

Stanley: Wake me up when the next disaster happens.

Randall: Knowing this town, that'll be in about five minutes.

Everyone groans as the camera pulls away from the battered retirement community, the officers arguing in the background.


THE END