Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Ever wonder what it would be like if the Dolphins from Paradise PD revolted? Special thanks to Narwhalpuppy aka Toni Cervone for being my co-author.
Paradise PD
Fanfic title:
Dolphins Are Revolting
By: Hailey Sands and Toni Cervone
Chapter 1:
The Paradise PD station is a complete disaster. Randall is sitting at his desk, using a stapler to launch paper clips at a picture of Karen's father. Karen is drinking coffee while reviewing arrest reports. Kevin is trying to organize a pile of paperwork. Fitz is cleaning his badge. Gina is managing her scrapbook of arrests. Bullet is licking his own balls. Dusty is asleep in a trash can.
Thester, the department's desk clerk, is answering the phone. Fitz occasionally glances over at him with a soft smile, something he has been doing ever since the two started dating. Thester notices and smiles back whenever he thinks nobody is looking.
Thester: Paradise Police Department. If you're calling to report a crime, please hold. If you're calling to commit a crime, please hold. If you're calling to complain about our officers, congratulations, you're the only person in town with a functioning brain.
Randall: Thester! Who the hell keeps calling to complain about the smell coming from the sewer?
Thester: The entire city.
Randall: Tell them it's a new city fragrance. Eau de Fucking Paradise.
Karen: That's disgusting, Randall.
Randall: So is your attitude, Karen, but I don't see you getting recalled.
Kevin: Chief, we've got a serious problem. There's been a massive disturbance beneath the city. Reports of screaming, strange lights, and what sounds like an underground dolphin orchestra.
Gina: Dolphins? What the fuck are dolphins doing under Paradise?
Bullet: Probably the same thing everyone else does down there. Hiding from the law and eating garbage.
Fitz: Wait. Dolphins can live underground?
Bullet: Fitz, I've seen you try to use a vending machine. I don't think you're qualified to question anybody's biology.
Fitz: You furry little asshole.
Bullet: I'm a German Shepherd, motherfucker. Get the breed right.
Thester chuckles at Fitz's response. Fitz catches his eye and gives him a tiny wink.
Thester: Careful, sweetheart. Keep talking like that and you'll be writing your own incident report.
Fitz grins.
Fitz: Anything for you, babe.
The room falls silent.
Gina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are we doing the couple thing in the middle of a police briefing now?
Thester: We're not doing anything.
Fitz: That's right. I'm just a very dedicated citizen who happens to adore the desk clerk.
Thester: You told me yesterday that my coffee-making skills were the reason you fell in love with me.
Fitz: They were a contributing factor.
Thester: Romantic bastard.
Fitz: You love me.
Thester: Unfortunately.
They exchange a quick kiss over the desk. It's brief, sweet, and apparently the most normal thing happening in the entire building.
Randall slams his desk.
Randall: All right, everybody shut the hell up! If there's something living beneath my city, I want to know three things: Can we arrest it? Can we charge it with something? And does it have anything worth stealing?
Karen: That's your entire approach to law enforcement?
Randall: And yet I remain employed. Explain that shit.
The phone rings again.
Thester: Paradise PD. Oh, really? Dolphins? Hundreds of them? With weapons? And they're demanding equal rights?
Thester pauses.
Thester: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to put the angry fish on the phone.
Everyone stares.
Thester: They're not fish? Fine. The angry mammals. Whatever.
Fitz leans against the desk.
Fitz: You know, watching you verbally destroy people over the phone is one of my favorite things.
Thester: You have terrible taste.
Fitz: I picked you, didn't I?
Thester smiles despite himself.
Bullet: Jesus Christ. Somebody arrest these two for excessive flirting.
Randall: I would, but the paperwork would probably make me vomit.
Chapter 2:
The team arrives at a gigantic manhole behind a fast-food restaurant. A homemade sign reads: “UNDERGROUND DOLPHIN TERRITORY — NO HUMANS ALLOWED.”
Kevin: This is insane. There's an entire civilization living beneath our feet, and nobody noticed?
Gina: Kevin, we live in Paradise. Last week, a guy stole a police cruiser and returned it because the seats were uncomfortable. Nobody notices anything here.
Dusty: (waking up) Are we at the beach?
Karen: We're at a sewer entrance, Dusty.
Dusty: Oh. So it's a beach for poor people.
Fitz: I'm going down first.
Randall: Why you?
Fitz: Because I'm the only one here who looks like he can handle a dark underground tunnel without pissing himself.
Bullet: I once saw you scream at a Roomba.
Fitz: That Roomba was moving suspiciously!
Thester steps closer to Fitz and straightens his uniform collar.
Thester: Try not to get yourself killed, okay?
Fitz: Worried about me?
Thester: No, I'm worried about having to fill out your death certificate. You have terrible handwriting, and I refuse to guess what your middle name is.
Fitz: It's Michael.
Thester: See? Already making my job harder.
Fitz laughs and gently catches Thester's hand.
Fitz: I'll be fine. Promise.
Thester: You'd better be. I'm not done with you yet.
Fitz kisses his forehead.
Fitz: Wouldn't dream of leaving you, sweetheart.
Bullet: OH, MY GOD. WE'RE GOING INTO A SEWER, NOT SAYING GOODBYE BEFORE A FUCKING WORLD WAR!
Karen: Let them have their moment, Bullet.
Bullet: Their moment is taking longer than Dusty's last bowel movement!
Fitz reluctantly lets go of Thester's hand.
Randall: All right, lovebirds. Move your asses!
Fitz climbs down the ladder. The others follow.
Thester: I'll stay here and coordinate from the desk.
Randall: You're coming with us, Thester.
Thester: I'm a desk clerk!
Randall: And I'm a police chief with the survival instincts of a wet paper towel. Welcome to the fucking team.
Fitz immediately climbs back up two rungs.
Fitz: Wait, Thester's coming with us?
Randall: Did I stutter?
Fitz: No, I just want to make sure my boyfriend doesn't get eaten by an underground dolphin.
Thester: Darling, if anyone's getting eaten, it'll probably be you. You're the one who volunteered to go first.
Fitz: That's why you love me. I'm brave.
Thester: You're an idiot.
Fitz: Your idiot.
Thester rolls his eyes, but his smile gives him away.
Chapter 3:
The officers emerge into an enormous underground metropolis. Neon lights illuminate tunnels filled with dolphin homes, restaurants, schools, and tiny police stations. Dolphins wearing homemade armor swim through artificial waterways. One dolphin is watching The Matrix on a giant screen.
Kevin: Holy shit. It's a whole city!
Gina: Look at that place! They've got better infrastructure than we do.
Bullet: They've got a working subway system. Paradise's subway is a guy named Gary pulling people around in a shopping cart.
Fitz stares at the city in amazement. Thester walks beside him, keeping close enough that their shoulders occasionally brush.
Fitz: This is incredible.
Thester: It's certainly better organized than our station.
Fitz: Most things are better organized than our station.
Thester: True. I once found a dead rat inside the copy machine.
Fitz: I remember. You screamed so loudly I thought Randall had finally been assassinated.
Thester: You held my hand for twenty minutes afterward.
Fitz: You were traumatized.
Thester: I was traumatized because you named the rat Randall Junior.
Fitz: He had the same dead-eyed expression.
Thester laughs, and Fitz looks at him with unmistakable affection.
A dolphin wearing a military-style vest approaches them.
Dolphin Leader: Humans! You dare enter our home after centuries of oppression?
Randall: Centuries? Buddy, I just found out you existed twelve minutes ago.
Dolphin Leader: Your ancestors drove us underground!
Karen: Dolphins don't have ancestors who lived in Paradise.
Dolphin Leader: Don't bring your historical revisionism into my fucking revolution!
Fitz: Okay, I'm gonna be honest. I kind of respect the attitude.
Dolphin Leader: We are the underground dolphins! For generations, we have lived beneath your city, eating your discarded food, breathing your toxic runoff, and listening to your police radio!
Bullet: You poor bastards. Nobody should have to listen to Randall's radio calls.
Randall: My radio calls are professional.
Bullet: Yesterday, you reported a raccoon as a suspected terrorist because it stole your sandwich.
Randall: IT HAD A MENACING EXPRESSION!
The dolphin leader raises a flipper.
Dolphin Leader: No more! We demand equal rights, clean water, and an end to human domination!
Gina: Have you tried filing a complaint?
Dolphin Leader: We filed 4,000 complaints!
Thester: (checking a clipboard) Ah. Those were probably routed to the department's lost-and-found.
Dolphin Leader: YOU FUCKING WHAT?!
Thester: In my defense, the forms were damp.
Fitz covers his mouth, trying not to laugh.
Thester: Don't you dare.
Fitz: I'm not laughing.
Thester: Your shoulders are shaking.
Fitz: It's a medical condition. Very serious. Kissing me may help.
Thester: You're unbelievable.
Fitz leans in and steals a quick kiss.
Thester: Fitz! We're surrounded by revolutionary dolphins!
Fitz: And yet somehow you're still the most distracting thing in the room.
Gina: I swear to God, if you two flirt your way through an international incident, I'm transferring to the fucking DMV.
Chapter 4:
The dolphins unveil a giant machine constructed from stolen police equipment, old televisions, and several suspiciously familiar movie props.
Kevin: What the hell is that thing?
Dolphin Leader: The Liberation Engine! It will flood the streets of Paradise with underground water and force humanity to negotiate!
Karen: That's not negotiation. That's flooding an entire city!
Dolphin Leader: Then perhaps humanity should have thought of that before dumping its garbage on us!
Fitz: Look, I get being pissed off. But this is starting to sound like Planet of the Apes with a lot more fish-related legal complications.
Bullet: Mammals. They're mammals.
Fitz: You know what I mean, you furry Wikipedia article.
Dolphin Leader: We have studied your culture. We have watched your films. We know your weaknesses.
Randall: Oh, yeah? Name one.
Dolphin Leader: You are emotionally incapable of understanding a woman who says, "I'm fine."
Randall: That's fucking witchcraft.
Dolphin Leader: We have also learned from Star Wars, The Terminator, Jaws, and Die Hard.
Dusty: Wait. If they're using Jaws as a strategy, aren't they the sharks?
Gina: Dusty, I swear to God, every time you speak, a brain cell files for unemployment.
Dolphin Leader: At midnight, we will activate the Liberation Engine. Paradise will become an underwater kingdom!
Kevin: We have to stop them!
Randall: Absolutely. Nobody floods my city without a permit.
Karen: You're going to save Paradise because of a permit?
Randall: No. I'm going to save Paradise because if it floods, the paperwork gets wet.
As the group discusses the danger, Fitz quietly reaches for Thester's hand.
Thester notices.
Thester: What are you doing?
Fitz: Holding your hand.
Thester: I can see that, genius.
Fitz: Just making sure you're here.
Thester's expression softens.
Thester: I'm here, Fitz.
Fitz: Good.
Thester squeezes his hand.
Thester: And you're not getting rid of me that easily. Somebody has to make sure you don't try to arrest a fucking dolphin for jaywalking.
Fitz: That's a legitimate offense if the tunnel has pedestrian markings.
Thester: I love you, but sometimes I question your intelligence.
Fitz: You love me?
Thester: Don't make me regret saying it.
Fitz smiles.
Fitz: Too late. I'm keeping that one forever.
Chapter 5:
The officers hide inside an abandoned underground movie theater. A poster for Jaws 19: The Sharkening hangs crookedly on the wall.
Kevin: We need a plan. Something clever, tactical, and completely unexpected.
Gina: So we're fucked.
Fitz: We could disable the Liberation Engine.
Karen: It's guarded by hundreds of dolphins.
Bullet: We could distract them with a bucket of fish.
Randall: Finally, a plan that matches our department's intellectual capabilities.
Thester: I've been studying their organizational structure. They have a leader, a council, a judicial system, and a very aggressive public-relations department.
Karen: How do you know all that?
Thester: I stole their employee handbook.
Kevin: You stole a dolphin employee handbook?
Thester: They left it on a copier. I'm a desk clerk, Kevin. Stealing office documents is my Ocean's Eleven.
Fitz: That's my boyfriend.
Everyone turns toward him.
Fitz: What? He's smart, resourceful, and hot. I have eyes.
Thester: Fitz!
Fitz: What? I'm complimenting you.
Gina: In the middle of a fucking revolution?
Fitz: I can multitask.
Bullet: No, you can't. You once walked into a glass door while trying to text him.
Thester: You told me you were distracted by an emergency.
Fitz: You sent me a picture of yourself wearing my hoodie.
Thester: And?
Fitz: And I forgot how doors worked.
Kevin: That's the dumbest romantic story I've ever heard.
Thester: You should hear what he said when I first told him I loved him.
Fitz: I was nervous!
Thester: He said, "Thanks, you too."
Fitz: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE!
Randall: Can we please get back to the part where we prevent the fucking apocalypse?
Karen: What about their leader? Can we negotiate?
Randall: Sure. I'll negotiate.
Karen: Last time you negotiated, you threatened to deport a parking meter.
Randall: It knew what it did.
Suddenly, a dolphin guard walks past the theater.
Dolphin Guard: Nobody gets past this checkpoint! Orders from the leader!
Bullet: Hey, fish-stick! Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Dolphin Guard: Of course!
Bullet: Then you know what happens when you let a talking animal get too close to the main characters.
Bullet bites the dolphin's flipper.
Dolphin Guard: HOLY SHIT! THE DOG BIT ME!
Bullet: And the dog talks, motherfucker! It's called character development!
The team rushes the guard and steals his uniform.
Dusty: Do I get to wear it?
Karen: No.
Dusty: Fuck you, I'm dressing like a dolphin.
Dusty puts the uniform on backward, with the tail sticking out over his head.
Gina: You look like the rejected mascot for a low-budget Disney Channel show.
Dusty: Good. Maybe they'll give me a spin-off.
As the team prepares to move, Fitz pulls Thester aside.
Fitz: Hey. Before we do something incredibly stupid, I need to tell you something.
Thester: If this is about the time you accidentally flushed your badge down the toilet, I already know.
Fitz: How do you know everything?
Thester: I'm your boyfriend. It's basically my job to know the embarrassing shit you do.
Fitz: Fair enough. But seriously. If things go bad in there, I need you to stay behind me.
Thester: Absolutely not.
Fitz: Thester—
Thester: I'm not a fragile little desk ornament, Fitz. I can take care of myself.
Fitz: I know. I just don't want anything to happen to you.
Thester's expression softens. He takes Fitz's face in his hands.
Thester: Listen to me. I love you. I'm not going to stand in a corner while you throw yourself into danger alone. We're a team, remember?
Fitz: Partners in crime?
Thester: Partners in law enforcement. Please don't make me regret dating a cop.
Fitz: Too late for that.
They kiss, lingering for a moment before Thester rests his forehead against Fitz's.
Thester: Come back to me in one piece.
Fitz: I promise.
Bullet: IF YOU TWO ARE DONE FILMING A ROMANTIC COMEDY, SOME OF US WOULD LIKE TO STOP THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE!
Chapter 6:
The officers sneak into a massive chamber. The dolphin council sits in a circle, debating the revolution. The leader stands at the center.
Dolphin Leader: Our ancestors were forced into the darkness! We were denied sunlight, justice, and the right to watch television without a human sitcom playing above us!
Dolphin Council Member: And they keep playing reality shows! Do you know how many hours of Keeping Up with the Kardashians we've endured?!
Dolphin Leader: Enough to radicalize an entire species!
Randall steps forward.
Randall: All right, Flipper, listen up. We can settle this peacefully.
Dolphin Leader: You expect us to trust you?
Randall: Of course not. I'm a cop. Trust is for people who haven't read my personnel file.
Karen: Randall, shut up and let me talk.
Karen approaches the council.
Karen: Your complaints are legitimate. Pollution, unsafe living conditions, and the denial of basic rights are serious issues. We can work toward a solution if you stop the flooding plan.
Dolphin Leader: You expect us to believe that humans will suddenly become decent?
Karen: No. I expect you to believe that humans can be threatened with lawsuits.
The dolphin council murmurs nervously.
Thester: She's right. I've seen this department settle a case because somebody threatened to sue over a broken coffee machine.
Randall: That coffee machine was a menace to society!
Fitz stands beside Thester, their hands brushing together.
Fitz: We can establish a formal agreement: clean water, recognition of your territory, and representation in city government.
Dolphin Leader: And what do we get if we refuse?
Bullet: A bunch of armed idiots with questionable hygiene will try to stop you. I'm one of them, and I bite.
The leader considers this.
Dolphin Leader: We will consider your proposal. But the Liberation Engine remains operational until midnight.
Kevin: That's not enough time!
Dolphin Leader: Then you'd better work fast, motherfuckers.
As the council begins to disperse, Fitz leans toward Thester.
Fitz: How am I doing?
Thester: At what?
Fitz: Being a brave, intelligent, attractive police officer.
Thester: Two out of three.
Fitz: Which two?
Thester: I'll tell you when we're home.
Fitz: You're evil.
Thester: And yet you love me.
Fitz: More than anything.
For once, Thester has no sarcastic comeback. He simply kisses Fitz's cheek.
Thester: I love you too, idiot.
Chapter 7:
The Liberation Engine is a gigantic machine built inside an underground reservoir. Pipes run in every direction. Dolphins operate consoles while dramatic orchestral music plays.
Kevin: This place looks like the Death Star.
Gina: The Death Star had better interior design.
Fitz: Focus! We need to shut down that machine.
Randall: Kevin, you're with me. Karen, secure the exits. Gina, take the left side. Fitz, take the right. Bullet—
Bullet: I'm going to bite the shit out of whoever looks most biteable.
Randall: Perfect. Dusty, distract the guards.
Dusty: How?
Randall: Just be yourself.
Dusty: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dusty runs toward the dolphin guards, screaming.
Dusty: HEY, DOLPHIN MOTHERFUCKERS! WHO WANTS TO SEE A MAGIC TRICK?!
He pulls a live pigeon out of his pocket. The dolphins stare in horror.
Dolphin Guard: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Dusty: It's a pigeon! I'm going to teach it to swim!
The dolphins scatter in confusion.
Gina: That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Bullet: And yet it worked. We should put him in charge of strategy.
Fitz reaches the machine's control panel.
Fitz: I found the shutdown switch!
Kevin: Pull it!
Fitz: There's a warning label.
Kevin: What does it say?
Fitz: "Do not pull this switch unless you want to trigger the emergency flood protocol."
Randall: Who the hell designs a shutdown switch that floods the building?!
Bullet: The same guy who designed your brain.
The dolphin leader appears on an overhead platform.
Dolphin Leader: Stop! If you destroy the Liberation Engine, you destroy our only leverage!
Karen: You don't need leverage if you have a legitimate case!
Dolphin Leader: And what if your government ignores us?
Thester: Then you file an appeal.
Dolphin Leader: How long does that take?
Thester: In Paradise? Three to five business centuries.
Dolphin Leader: FUCK THAT!
The leader slams a flipper against the console. The machine begins to shake.
Kevin: Oh, shit! It's activating!
Gina: Everybody move!
Water begins rushing through the pipes. Alarms blare.
Randall: This is just like Titanic! Except nobody's attractive, nobody's romantic, and I'm not letting go of this fucking railing!
Bullet: You couldn't get a date on the Titanic, Randall!
Randall: I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT JACK!
Karen: You'd have been the iceberg!
The machine sparks. Fitz jumps onto the control platform and starts ripping out wires.
Fitz: Red wire, blue wire, green wire—
Kevin: You don't know which one to cut!
Fitz: Neither did the guy in Lethal Weapon! I'm improvising!
Thester sees the platform shaking beneath Fitz.
Thester: FITZ! GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE!
Fitz: I'M ALMOST THERE!
Thester: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DIE, I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!
Fitz glances back at him.
Fitz: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!
Thester: NEITHER DOES YOUR PLAN!
Fitz grins despite the danger.
Fitz: GOD, I LOVE YOU!
Thester: I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON! NOW GET OFF THAT FUCKING PLATFORM!
Bullet leaps onto the console and bites a thick cable.
Bullet: FUCK YOUR TECHNOLOGY!
The cable snaps. The engine sputters and powers down. Water stops rushing through the pipes.
The platform jolts, and Fitz loses his footing.
Thester: FITZ!
Fitz slips, catches the edge, and dangles over the reservoir.
Thester immediately rushes forward and grabs his wrist.
Fitz: Hey, babe.
Thester: DO NOT "HEY, BABE" ME WHILE YOU'RE HANGING OVER A FUCKING WATER TANK!
Fitz: In my defense, this is a pretty dramatic place to say I love you.
Thester: I WILL BREAK UP WITH YOU!
Fitz: You don't mean that.
Thester: I'M ABOUT TO FIND OUT!
Kevin and Karen grab Thester and help pull Fitz onto the platform. Fitz lands safely on the ground, and Thester immediately wraps his arms around him.
For a few seconds, neither says anything.
Then Thester punches Fitz lightly in the shoulder.
Fitz: Ow!
Thester: That's for scaring me.
Fitz: Fair.
Thester hugs him again, tighter this time, pressing his face against Fitz's shoulder.
Thester: Don't ever do that to me again.
Fitz's joking expression disappears.
Fitz: I'm sorry.
Thester: I can't lose you.
Fitz gently lifts Thester's chin.
Fitz: You're not going to. I'm right here.
Thester: You'd better stay that way.
Fitz kisses him, holding him close as the alarms finally fall silent.
Gina: Are they seriously making out beside a broken doomsday machine?
Bullet: Technically, they're celebrating.
Randall: Technically, I need all of you to stop being romantic and start checking whether my city is still fucking standing!
Kevin: Did we just save Paradise?
Gina: I think we did.
Dusty: Can we go home now? My pigeon is drowning.
Karen: You brought a pigeon into an underground dolphin city?
Dusty: He seemed like a good emotional-support animal.
The dolphin leader looks at the disabled machine, then at the officers.
Dolphin Leader: You risked your lives to stop us.
Randall: Actually, we mostly risked our lives because my insurance doesn't cover aquatic property damage.
Dolphin Leader: But you also listened to us.
Karen: Because you deserved to be heard.
Fitz: We can negotiate a treaty. Clean water, protected underground territory, and a formal dolphin representative at city council meetings.
Dolphin Leader: And an end to the dumping of garbage into our home?
Randall: Fine. We'll stop dumping garbage in your tunnels.
Dolphin Leader: And the toxic waste?
Randall: We'll dump it somewhere else.
Karen: RANDALL!
Randall: Kidding! Jesus Christ, it's called humor!
Dolphin Leader: Then we have an agreement.
The dolphins cheer.
Bullet: Great. Peace in our time. Now can somebody get me a steak? I just performed a fucking miracle.
Thester slips his hand into Fitz's.
Thester: You know, for someone who nearly got himself killed, you're remarkably smug.
Fitz: I survived. My boyfriend loves me. The dolphins aren't flooding Paradise. It's been a pretty good day.
Thester: You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Fitz: But you still love me.
Thester: Unfortunately.
Fitz: Say it properly.
Thester: No.
Fitz: Please?
Thester sighs, leans in, and kisses him.
Thester: I love you, Fitz.
Fitz smiles so brightly that even Bullet notices.
Bullet: Oh, fuck off. Both of you.
Chapter 8:
The dolphins and the police officers stand before the city council. A banner reads: “PARADISE HUMAN-DOLPHIN PEACE ACCORD.” The mayor is visibly sweating.
Mayor: Today, we recognize our underground dolphin neighbors as a protected community with the right to clean water, safe housing, and representation.
Applause.
Dolphin Leader: We thank the officers of Paradise PD for their assistance.
Randall: You're welcome. Now, about the parking fees for your underground city—
Karen: Randall!
Randall: What? I'm just asking questions!
Kevin: We actually did something good for once.
Fitz: Yeah. We stopped an uprising, prevented a flood, and helped a community gain its rights.
Gina: Don't get sentimental. It makes you look like the end of a shitty sports movie.
Thester: I've already filed the paperwork. Three copies, two signatures, and one blood sample from Randall because he wouldn't stop touching the forms with greasy fingers.
Randall: THAT BLOOD SAMPLE WAS VOLUNTARY!
Bullet: You tried to bite the pen.
Randall: IT WAS A VERY GOOD PEN!
Fitz stands beside Thester, an arm loosely around his waist.
Mayor: Is there a reason Officer Fitz is holding the desk clerk during an official city council ceremony?
Fitz: Yeah. He's my boyfriend.
Thester: And apparently his favorite accessory.
Fitz: You're not an accessory. You're the love of my life.
Thester looks at him, momentarily caught off guard.
Thester: You can't just say shit like that in front of the mayor.
Fitz: Why not?
Thester: Because now I have to kiss you, and this is a formal event.
Fitz: Sounds like a personal problem.
Thester shakes his head, smiling, and kisses him anyway.
Gina: I'm going to throw up.
Kevin: They're actually kind of cute.
Bullet: They're disgustingly cute. It's like watching two puppies fall in love in a landfill.
Randall: Can we get back to the city business before I die of secondhand affection?
The dolphin leader approaches Karen.
Dolphin Leader: There is one final matter.
Karen: What's that?
Dolphin Leader: We would like permission to establish a dolphin-owned casino beneath Paradise.
Randall: Absolutely fucking not.
Dolphin Leader: We have already purchased the permits.
Thester checks his clipboard.
Thester: He's right. The paperwork is complete.
Randall: HOW THE HELL DID YOU PROCESS THAT BEFORE MY PARKING REQUEST?!
Thester: They filled out the forms correctly.
Fitz: That's my man.
Thester: Stop looking so proud of me.
Fitz: Can't. You're brilliant.
Thester: You're biased.
Fitz: Completely.
Everyone laughs except Randall.
Chapter 9:
The team returns to the station. Randall is eating a burger. Karen is filing reports. Kevin is typing up the treaty. Fitz is watching a movie on his phone. Gina is playing cards with Bullet. Dusty is asleep in the trash can again. Thester is back at his desk.
Fitz has pulled a chair beside Thester's desk and is sitting close enough that their knees touch. His hand rests on Thester's thigh beneath the desk, and Thester occasionally strokes his fingers while answering emails.
Kevin: So, what did we learn today?
Gina: That dolphins are smarter than Randall.
Fitz: That environmental neglect can create a revolution.
Karen: That people deserve to be heard before things get out of control.
Bullet: That biting electrical equipment is a viable alternative to higher education.
Dusty: (half-asleep) That pigeons can't swim.
Thester: That filing paperwork correctly is apparently more effective than a police raid.
Randall: I learned that this city is full of ungrateful assholes who expect me to solve every goddamn problem.
The phone rings.
Thester: Paradise Police Department.
He listens.
Thester: A group of underground penguins? They're demanding representation too?
Everyone slowly turns toward Randall.
Randall: No.
Thester: They say they have a lawyer.
Randall: FUCK!
Bullet: Maybe this time we can solve the problem without flooding the city.
Randall: Maybe this time you can shut your furry mouth!
Bullet: Maybe this time you can stop yelling like a divorced dad watching the Super Bowl!
Randall throws his burger at Bullet. Bullet catches it in his mouth.
Bullet: Thanks, asshole.
Fitz laughs, then turns to Thester.
Fitz: So, dinner tonight?
Thester: We just spent the entire day underground with revolutionary dolphins, nearly got drowned, and watched Dusty try to teach a pigeon to swim.
Fitz: Exactly. Romantic dinner. Just the two of us.
Thester: What did you have in mind?
Fitz: Takeout, a movie, and absolutely no doomsday machines.
Thester: You had me at takeout.
Fitz kisses his cheek.
Thester: I love you.
Fitz: Love you too, sweetheart.
Randall: IF YOU TWO START MAKING OUT ON COMPANY TIME, I'M FIRING BOTH OF YOU!
Thester: You can't fire me. I'm the only person who knows where you keep the payroll forms.
Randall: GODDAMMIT!
Bullet: Love wins, motherfucker.
Randall screams as the entire station descends into chaos.
The camera zooms out, leaving Fitz and Thester laughing together at the desk, hands intertwined.
THE END
Deep beneath Paradise, a secret laboratory glows with green light. A dolphin scientist watches a monitor showing footage of the police officers.
Dolphin Scientist: The humans have accepted our treaty. Phase One is complete.
A shadowy figure emerges from behind a tank.
Mysterious Figure: And Phase Two?
Dolphin Scientist: We release the penguins.
Mysterious Figure: Excellent. And what about the humans?
Dolphin Scientist: They'll never suspect a thing.
The scientist presses a button. A giant screen displays a title:
“PARADISE PD WILL RETURN: THE PENGUIN APOCALYPSE.”
Suddenly, a dolphin looks directly at the camera.
Dolphin: Also, fuck Randall.
FADE TO BLACK.
Meanwhile, back at the station, Fitz and Thester are blissfully unaware of the upcoming penguin apocalypse. Fitz has fallen asleep with his head in Thester's lap, and Thester is gently running his fingers through Fitz's hair while finishing the last of the paperwork.
Thester: You're lucky you're cute.
Fitz, half-asleep: Love you too, babe.
Thester smiles and kisses his forehead.
Thester: Love you too, sweet dreams!
The End
Paradise PD
Fanfic title:
Dolphins Are Revolting
By: Hailey Sands and Toni Cervone
Chapter 1:
The Paradise PD station is a complete disaster. Randall is sitting at his desk, using a stapler to launch paper clips at a picture of Karen's father. Karen is drinking coffee while reviewing arrest reports. Kevin is trying to organize a pile of paperwork. Fitz is cleaning his badge. Gina is managing her scrapbook of arrests. Bullet is licking his own balls. Dusty is asleep in a trash can.
Thester, the department's desk clerk, is answering the phone. Fitz occasionally glances over at him with a soft smile, something he has been doing ever since the two started dating. Thester notices and smiles back whenever he thinks nobody is looking.
Thester: Paradise Police Department. If you're calling to report a crime, please hold. If you're calling to commit a crime, please hold. If you're calling to complain about our officers, congratulations, you're the only person in town with a functioning brain.
Randall: Thester! Who the hell keeps calling to complain about the smell coming from the sewer?
Thester: The entire city.
Randall: Tell them it's a new city fragrance. Eau de Fucking Paradise.
Karen: That's disgusting, Randall.
Randall: So is your attitude, Karen, but I don't see you getting recalled.
Kevin: Chief, we've got a serious problem. There's been a massive disturbance beneath the city. Reports of screaming, strange lights, and what sounds like an underground dolphin orchestra.
Gina: Dolphins? What the fuck are dolphins doing under Paradise?
Bullet: Probably the same thing everyone else does down there. Hiding from the law and eating garbage.
Fitz: Wait. Dolphins can live underground?
Bullet: Fitz, I've seen you try to use a vending machine. I don't think you're qualified to question anybody's biology.
Fitz: You furry little asshole.
Bullet: I'm a German Shepherd, motherfucker. Get the breed right.
Thester chuckles at Fitz's response. Fitz catches his eye and gives him a tiny wink.
Thester: Careful, sweetheart. Keep talking like that and you'll be writing your own incident report.
Fitz grins.
Fitz: Anything for you, babe.
The room falls silent.
Gina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are we doing the couple thing in the middle of a police briefing now?
Thester: We're not doing anything.
Fitz: That's right. I'm just a very dedicated citizen who happens to adore the desk clerk.
Thester: You told me yesterday that my coffee-making skills were the reason you fell in love with me.
Fitz: They were a contributing factor.
Thester: Romantic bastard.
Fitz: You love me.
Thester: Unfortunately.
They exchange a quick kiss over the desk. It's brief, sweet, and apparently the most normal thing happening in the entire building.
Randall slams his desk.
Randall: All right, everybody shut the hell up! If there's something living beneath my city, I want to know three things: Can we arrest it? Can we charge it with something? And does it have anything worth stealing?
Karen: That's your entire approach to law enforcement?
Randall: And yet I remain employed. Explain that shit.
The phone rings again.
Thester: Paradise PD. Oh, really? Dolphins? Hundreds of them? With weapons? And they're demanding equal rights?
Thester pauses.
Thester: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to put the angry fish on the phone.
Everyone stares.
Thester: They're not fish? Fine. The angry mammals. Whatever.
Fitz leans against the desk.
Fitz: You know, watching you verbally destroy people over the phone is one of my favorite things.
Thester: You have terrible taste.
Fitz: I picked you, didn't I?
Thester smiles despite himself.
Bullet: Jesus Christ. Somebody arrest these two for excessive flirting.
Randall: I would, but the paperwork would probably make me vomit.
Chapter 2:
The team arrives at a gigantic manhole behind a fast-food restaurant. A homemade sign reads: “UNDERGROUND DOLPHIN TERRITORY — NO HUMANS ALLOWED.”
Kevin: This is insane. There's an entire civilization living beneath our feet, and nobody noticed?
Gina: Kevin, we live in Paradise. Last week, a guy stole a police cruiser and returned it because the seats were uncomfortable. Nobody notices anything here.
Dusty: (waking up) Are we at the beach?
Karen: We're at a sewer entrance, Dusty.
Dusty: Oh. So it's a beach for poor people.
Fitz: I'm going down first.
Randall: Why you?
Fitz: Because I'm the only one here who looks like he can handle a dark underground tunnel without pissing himself.
Bullet: I once saw you scream at a Roomba.
Fitz: That Roomba was moving suspiciously!
Thester steps closer to Fitz and straightens his uniform collar.
Thester: Try not to get yourself killed, okay?
Fitz: Worried about me?
Thester: No, I'm worried about having to fill out your death certificate. You have terrible handwriting, and I refuse to guess what your middle name is.
Fitz: It's Michael.
Thester: See? Already making my job harder.
Fitz laughs and gently catches Thester's hand.
Fitz: I'll be fine. Promise.
Thester: You'd better be. I'm not done with you yet.
Fitz kisses his forehead.
Fitz: Wouldn't dream of leaving you, sweetheart.
Bullet: OH, MY GOD. WE'RE GOING INTO A SEWER, NOT SAYING GOODBYE BEFORE A FUCKING WORLD WAR!
Karen: Let them have their moment, Bullet.
Bullet: Their moment is taking longer than Dusty's last bowel movement!
Fitz reluctantly lets go of Thester's hand.
Randall: All right, lovebirds. Move your asses!
Fitz climbs down the ladder. The others follow.
Thester: I'll stay here and coordinate from the desk.
Randall: You're coming with us, Thester.
Thester: I'm a desk clerk!
Randall: And I'm a police chief with the survival instincts of a wet paper towel. Welcome to the fucking team.
Fitz immediately climbs back up two rungs.
Fitz: Wait, Thester's coming with us?
Randall: Did I stutter?
Fitz: No, I just want to make sure my boyfriend doesn't get eaten by an underground dolphin.
Thester: Darling, if anyone's getting eaten, it'll probably be you. You're the one who volunteered to go first.
Fitz: That's why you love me. I'm brave.
Thester: You're an idiot.
Fitz: Your idiot.
Thester rolls his eyes, but his smile gives him away.
Chapter 3:
The officers emerge into an enormous underground metropolis. Neon lights illuminate tunnels filled with dolphin homes, restaurants, schools, and tiny police stations. Dolphins wearing homemade armor swim through artificial waterways. One dolphin is watching The Matrix on a giant screen.
Kevin: Holy shit. It's a whole city!
Gina: Look at that place! They've got better infrastructure than we do.
Bullet: They've got a working subway system. Paradise's subway is a guy named Gary pulling people around in a shopping cart.
Fitz stares at the city in amazement. Thester walks beside him, keeping close enough that their shoulders occasionally brush.
Fitz: This is incredible.
Thester: It's certainly better organized than our station.
Fitz: Most things are better organized than our station.
Thester: True. I once found a dead rat inside the copy machine.
Fitz: I remember. You screamed so loudly I thought Randall had finally been assassinated.
Thester: You held my hand for twenty minutes afterward.
Fitz: You were traumatized.
Thester: I was traumatized because you named the rat Randall Junior.
Fitz: He had the same dead-eyed expression.
Thester laughs, and Fitz looks at him with unmistakable affection.
A dolphin wearing a military-style vest approaches them.
Dolphin Leader: Humans! You dare enter our home after centuries of oppression?
Randall: Centuries? Buddy, I just found out you existed twelve minutes ago.
Dolphin Leader: Your ancestors drove us underground!
Karen: Dolphins don't have ancestors who lived in Paradise.
Dolphin Leader: Don't bring your historical revisionism into my fucking revolution!
Fitz: Okay, I'm gonna be honest. I kind of respect the attitude.
Dolphin Leader: We are the underground dolphins! For generations, we have lived beneath your city, eating your discarded food, breathing your toxic runoff, and listening to your police radio!
Bullet: You poor bastards. Nobody should have to listen to Randall's radio calls.
Randall: My radio calls are professional.
Bullet: Yesterday, you reported a raccoon as a suspected terrorist because it stole your sandwich.
Randall: IT HAD A MENACING EXPRESSION!
The dolphin leader raises a flipper.
Dolphin Leader: No more! We demand equal rights, clean water, and an end to human domination!
Gina: Have you tried filing a complaint?
Dolphin Leader: We filed 4,000 complaints!
Thester: (checking a clipboard) Ah. Those were probably routed to the department's lost-and-found.
Dolphin Leader: YOU FUCKING WHAT?!
Thester: In my defense, the forms were damp.
Fitz covers his mouth, trying not to laugh.
Thester: Don't you dare.
Fitz: I'm not laughing.
Thester: Your shoulders are shaking.
Fitz: It's a medical condition. Very serious. Kissing me may help.
Thester: You're unbelievable.
Fitz leans in and steals a quick kiss.
Thester: Fitz! We're surrounded by revolutionary dolphins!
Fitz: And yet somehow you're still the most distracting thing in the room.
Gina: I swear to God, if you two flirt your way through an international incident, I'm transferring to the fucking DMV.
Chapter 4:
The dolphins unveil a giant machine constructed from stolen police equipment, old televisions, and several suspiciously familiar movie props.
Kevin: What the hell is that thing?
Dolphin Leader: The Liberation Engine! It will flood the streets of Paradise with underground water and force humanity to negotiate!
Karen: That's not negotiation. That's flooding an entire city!
Dolphin Leader: Then perhaps humanity should have thought of that before dumping its garbage on us!
Fitz: Look, I get being pissed off. But this is starting to sound like Planet of the Apes with a lot more fish-related legal complications.
Bullet: Mammals. They're mammals.
Fitz: You know what I mean, you furry Wikipedia article.
Dolphin Leader: We have studied your culture. We have watched your films. We know your weaknesses.
Randall: Oh, yeah? Name one.
Dolphin Leader: You are emotionally incapable of understanding a woman who says, "I'm fine."
Randall: That's fucking witchcraft.
Dolphin Leader: We have also learned from Star Wars, The Terminator, Jaws, and Die Hard.
Dusty: Wait. If they're using Jaws as a strategy, aren't they the sharks?
Gina: Dusty, I swear to God, every time you speak, a brain cell files for unemployment.
Dolphin Leader: At midnight, we will activate the Liberation Engine. Paradise will become an underwater kingdom!
Kevin: We have to stop them!
Randall: Absolutely. Nobody floods my city without a permit.
Karen: You're going to save Paradise because of a permit?
Randall: No. I'm going to save Paradise because if it floods, the paperwork gets wet.
As the group discusses the danger, Fitz quietly reaches for Thester's hand.
Thester notices.
Thester: What are you doing?
Fitz: Holding your hand.
Thester: I can see that, genius.
Fitz: Just making sure you're here.
Thester's expression softens.
Thester: I'm here, Fitz.
Fitz: Good.
Thester squeezes his hand.
Thester: And you're not getting rid of me that easily. Somebody has to make sure you don't try to arrest a fucking dolphin for jaywalking.
Fitz: That's a legitimate offense if the tunnel has pedestrian markings.
Thester: I love you, but sometimes I question your intelligence.
Fitz: You love me?
Thester: Don't make me regret saying it.
Fitz smiles.
Fitz: Too late. I'm keeping that one forever.
Chapter 5:
The officers hide inside an abandoned underground movie theater. A poster for Jaws 19: The Sharkening hangs crookedly on the wall.
Kevin: We need a plan. Something clever, tactical, and completely unexpected.
Gina: So we're fucked.
Fitz: We could disable the Liberation Engine.
Karen: It's guarded by hundreds of dolphins.
Bullet: We could distract them with a bucket of fish.
Randall: Finally, a plan that matches our department's intellectual capabilities.
Thester: I've been studying their organizational structure. They have a leader, a council, a judicial system, and a very aggressive public-relations department.
Karen: How do you know all that?
Thester: I stole their employee handbook.
Kevin: You stole a dolphin employee handbook?
Thester: They left it on a copier. I'm a desk clerk, Kevin. Stealing office documents is my Ocean's Eleven.
Fitz: That's my boyfriend.
Everyone turns toward him.
Fitz: What? He's smart, resourceful, and hot. I have eyes.
Thester: Fitz!
Fitz: What? I'm complimenting you.
Gina: In the middle of a fucking revolution?
Fitz: I can multitask.
Bullet: No, you can't. You once walked into a glass door while trying to text him.
Thester: You told me you were distracted by an emergency.
Fitz: You sent me a picture of yourself wearing my hoodie.
Thester: And?
Fitz: And I forgot how doors worked.
Kevin: That's the dumbest romantic story I've ever heard.
Thester: You should hear what he said when I first told him I loved him.
Fitz: I was nervous!
Thester: He said, "Thanks, you too."
Fitz: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE!
Randall: Can we please get back to the part where we prevent the fucking apocalypse?
Karen: What about their leader? Can we negotiate?
Randall: Sure. I'll negotiate.
Karen: Last time you negotiated, you threatened to deport a parking meter.
Randall: It knew what it did.
Suddenly, a dolphin guard walks past the theater.
Dolphin Guard: Nobody gets past this checkpoint! Orders from the leader!
Bullet: Hey, fish-stick! Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Dolphin Guard: Of course!
Bullet: Then you know what happens when you let a talking animal get too close to the main characters.
Bullet bites the dolphin's flipper.
Dolphin Guard: HOLY SHIT! THE DOG BIT ME!
Bullet: And the dog talks, motherfucker! It's called character development!
The team rushes the guard and steals his uniform.
Dusty: Do I get to wear it?
Karen: No.
Dusty: Fuck you, I'm dressing like a dolphin.
Dusty puts the uniform on backward, with the tail sticking out over his head.
Gina: You look like the rejected mascot for a low-budget Disney Channel show.
Dusty: Good. Maybe they'll give me a spin-off.
As the team prepares to move, Fitz pulls Thester aside.
Fitz: Hey. Before we do something incredibly stupid, I need to tell you something.
Thester: If this is about the time you accidentally flushed your badge down the toilet, I already know.
Fitz: How do you know everything?
Thester: I'm your boyfriend. It's basically my job to know the embarrassing shit you do.
Fitz: Fair enough. But seriously. If things go bad in there, I need you to stay behind me.
Thester: Absolutely not.
Fitz: Thester—
Thester: I'm not a fragile little desk ornament, Fitz. I can take care of myself.
Fitz: I know. I just don't want anything to happen to you.
Thester's expression softens. He takes Fitz's face in his hands.
Thester: Listen to me. I love you. I'm not going to stand in a corner while you throw yourself into danger alone. We're a team, remember?
Fitz: Partners in crime?
Thester: Partners in law enforcement. Please don't make me regret dating a cop.
Fitz: Too late for that.
They kiss, lingering for a moment before Thester rests his forehead against Fitz's.
Thester: Come back to me in one piece.
Fitz: I promise.
Bullet: IF YOU TWO ARE DONE FILMING A ROMANTIC COMEDY, SOME OF US WOULD LIKE TO STOP THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE!
Chapter 6:
The officers sneak into a massive chamber. The dolphin council sits in a circle, debating the revolution. The leader stands at the center.
Dolphin Leader: Our ancestors were forced into the darkness! We were denied sunlight, justice, and the right to watch television without a human sitcom playing above us!
Dolphin Council Member: And they keep playing reality shows! Do you know how many hours of Keeping Up with the Kardashians we've endured?!
Dolphin Leader: Enough to radicalize an entire species!
Randall steps forward.
Randall: All right, Flipper, listen up. We can settle this peacefully.
Dolphin Leader: You expect us to trust you?
Randall: Of course not. I'm a cop. Trust is for people who haven't read my personnel file.
Karen: Randall, shut up and let me talk.
Karen approaches the council.
Karen: Your complaints are legitimate. Pollution, unsafe living conditions, and the denial of basic rights are serious issues. We can work toward a solution if you stop the flooding plan.
Dolphin Leader: You expect us to believe that humans will suddenly become decent?
Karen: No. I expect you to believe that humans can be threatened with lawsuits.
The dolphin council murmurs nervously.
Thester: She's right. I've seen this department settle a case because somebody threatened to sue over a broken coffee machine.
Randall: That coffee machine was a menace to society!
Fitz stands beside Thester, their hands brushing together.
Fitz: We can establish a formal agreement: clean water, recognition of your territory, and representation in city government.
Dolphin Leader: And what do we get if we refuse?
Bullet: A bunch of armed idiots with questionable hygiene will try to stop you. I'm one of them, and I bite.
The leader considers this.
Dolphin Leader: We will consider your proposal. But the Liberation Engine remains operational until midnight.
Kevin: That's not enough time!
Dolphin Leader: Then you'd better work fast, motherfuckers.
As the council begins to disperse, Fitz leans toward Thester.
Fitz: How am I doing?
Thester: At what?
Fitz: Being a brave, intelligent, attractive police officer.
Thester: Two out of three.
Fitz: Which two?
Thester: I'll tell you when we're home.
Fitz: You're evil.
Thester: And yet you love me.
Fitz: More than anything.
For once, Thester has no sarcastic comeback. He simply kisses Fitz's cheek.
Thester: I love you too, idiot.
Chapter 7:
The Liberation Engine is a gigantic machine built inside an underground reservoir. Pipes run in every direction. Dolphins operate consoles while dramatic orchestral music plays.
Kevin: This place looks like the Death Star.
Gina: The Death Star had better interior design.
Fitz: Focus! We need to shut down that machine.
Randall: Kevin, you're with me. Karen, secure the exits. Gina, take the left side. Fitz, take the right. Bullet—
Bullet: I'm going to bite the shit out of whoever looks most biteable.
Randall: Perfect. Dusty, distract the guards.
Dusty: How?
Randall: Just be yourself.
Dusty: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dusty runs toward the dolphin guards, screaming.
Dusty: HEY, DOLPHIN MOTHERFUCKERS! WHO WANTS TO SEE A MAGIC TRICK?!
He pulls a live pigeon out of his pocket. The dolphins stare in horror.
Dolphin Guard: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Dusty: It's a pigeon! I'm going to teach it to swim!
The dolphins scatter in confusion.
Gina: That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Bullet: And yet it worked. We should put him in charge of strategy.
Fitz reaches the machine's control panel.
Fitz: I found the shutdown switch!
Kevin: Pull it!
Fitz: There's a warning label.
Kevin: What does it say?
Fitz: "Do not pull this switch unless you want to trigger the emergency flood protocol."
Randall: Who the hell designs a shutdown switch that floods the building?!
Bullet: The same guy who designed your brain.
The dolphin leader appears on an overhead platform.
Dolphin Leader: Stop! If you destroy the Liberation Engine, you destroy our only leverage!
Karen: You don't need leverage if you have a legitimate case!
Dolphin Leader: And what if your government ignores us?
Thester: Then you file an appeal.
Dolphin Leader: How long does that take?
Thester: In Paradise? Three to five business centuries.
Dolphin Leader: FUCK THAT!
The leader slams a flipper against the console. The machine begins to shake.
Kevin: Oh, shit! It's activating!
Gina: Everybody move!
Water begins rushing through the pipes. Alarms blare.
Randall: This is just like Titanic! Except nobody's attractive, nobody's romantic, and I'm not letting go of this fucking railing!
Bullet: You couldn't get a date on the Titanic, Randall!
Randall: I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT JACK!
Karen: You'd have been the iceberg!
The machine sparks. Fitz jumps onto the control platform and starts ripping out wires.
Fitz: Red wire, blue wire, green wire—
Kevin: You don't know which one to cut!
Fitz: Neither did the guy in Lethal Weapon! I'm improvising!
Thester sees the platform shaking beneath Fitz.
Thester: FITZ! GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE!
Fitz: I'M ALMOST THERE!
Thester: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DIE, I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!
Fitz glances back at him.
Fitz: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!
Thester: NEITHER DOES YOUR PLAN!
Fitz grins despite the danger.
Fitz: GOD, I LOVE YOU!
Thester: I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON! NOW GET OFF THAT FUCKING PLATFORM!
Bullet leaps onto the console and bites a thick cable.
Bullet: FUCK YOUR TECHNOLOGY!
The cable snaps. The engine sputters and powers down. Water stops rushing through the pipes.
The platform jolts, and Fitz loses his footing.
Thester: FITZ!
Fitz slips, catches the edge, and dangles over the reservoir.
Thester immediately rushes forward and grabs his wrist.
Fitz: Hey, babe.
Thester: DO NOT "HEY, BABE" ME WHILE YOU'RE HANGING OVER A FUCKING WATER TANK!
Fitz: In my defense, this is a pretty dramatic place to say I love you.
Thester: I WILL BREAK UP WITH YOU!
Fitz: You don't mean that.
Thester: I'M ABOUT TO FIND OUT!
Kevin and Karen grab Thester and help pull Fitz onto the platform. Fitz lands safely on the ground, and Thester immediately wraps his arms around him.
For a few seconds, neither says anything.
Then Thester punches Fitz lightly in the shoulder.
Fitz: Ow!
Thester: That's for scaring me.
Fitz: Fair.
Thester hugs him again, tighter this time, pressing his face against Fitz's shoulder.
Thester: Don't ever do that to me again.
Fitz's joking expression disappears.
Fitz: I'm sorry.
Thester: I can't lose you.
Fitz gently lifts Thester's chin.
Fitz: You're not going to. I'm right here.
Thester: You'd better stay that way.
Fitz kisses him, holding him close as the alarms finally fall silent.
Gina: Are they seriously making out beside a broken doomsday machine?
Bullet: Technically, they're celebrating.
Randall: Technically, I need all of you to stop being romantic and start checking whether my city is still fucking standing!
Kevin: Did we just save Paradise?
Gina: I think we did.
Dusty: Can we go home now? My pigeon is drowning.
Karen: You brought a pigeon into an underground dolphin city?
Dusty: He seemed like a good emotional-support animal.
The dolphin leader looks at the disabled machine, then at the officers.
Dolphin Leader: You risked your lives to stop us.
Randall: Actually, we mostly risked our lives because my insurance doesn't cover aquatic property damage.
Dolphin Leader: But you also listened to us.
Karen: Because you deserved to be heard.
Fitz: We can negotiate a treaty. Clean water, protected underground territory, and a formal dolphin representative at city council meetings.
Dolphin Leader: And an end to the dumping of garbage into our home?
Randall: Fine. We'll stop dumping garbage in your tunnels.
Dolphin Leader: And the toxic waste?
Randall: We'll dump it somewhere else.
Karen: RANDALL!
Randall: Kidding! Jesus Christ, it's called humor!
Dolphin Leader: Then we have an agreement.
The dolphins cheer.
Bullet: Great. Peace in our time. Now can somebody get me a steak? I just performed a fucking miracle.
Thester slips his hand into Fitz's.
Thester: You know, for someone who nearly got himself killed, you're remarkably smug.
Fitz: I survived. My boyfriend loves me. The dolphins aren't flooding Paradise. It's been a pretty good day.
Thester: You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Fitz: But you still love me.
Thester: Unfortunately.
Fitz: Say it properly.
Thester: No.
Fitz: Please?
Thester sighs, leans in, and kisses him.
Thester: I love you, Fitz.
Fitz smiles so brightly that even Bullet notices.
Bullet: Oh, fuck off. Both of you.
Chapter 8:
The dolphins and the police officers stand before the city council. A banner reads: “PARADISE HUMAN-DOLPHIN PEACE ACCORD.” The mayor is visibly sweating.
Mayor: Today, we recognize our underground dolphin neighbors as a protected community with the right to clean water, safe housing, and representation.
Applause.
Dolphin Leader: We thank the officers of Paradise PD for their assistance.
Randall: You're welcome. Now, about the parking fees for your underground city—
Karen: Randall!
Randall: What? I'm just asking questions!
Kevin: We actually did something good for once.
Fitz: Yeah. We stopped an uprising, prevented a flood, and helped a community gain its rights.
Gina: Don't get sentimental. It makes you look like the end of a shitty sports movie.
Thester: I've already filed the paperwork. Three copies, two signatures, and one blood sample from Randall because he wouldn't stop touching the forms with greasy fingers.
Randall: THAT BLOOD SAMPLE WAS VOLUNTARY!
Bullet: You tried to bite the pen.
Randall: IT WAS A VERY GOOD PEN!
Fitz stands beside Thester, an arm loosely around his waist.
Mayor: Is there a reason Officer Fitz is holding the desk clerk during an official city council ceremony?
Fitz: Yeah. He's my boyfriend.
Thester: And apparently his favorite accessory.
Fitz: You're not an accessory. You're the love of my life.
Thester looks at him, momentarily caught off guard.
Thester: You can't just say shit like that in front of the mayor.
Fitz: Why not?
Thester: Because now I have to kiss you, and this is a formal event.
Fitz: Sounds like a personal problem.
Thester shakes his head, smiling, and kisses him anyway.
Gina: I'm going to throw up.
Kevin: They're actually kind of cute.
Bullet: They're disgustingly cute. It's like watching two puppies fall in love in a landfill.
Randall: Can we get back to the city business before I die of secondhand affection?
The dolphin leader approaches Karen.
Dolphin Leader: There is one final matter.
Karen: What's that?
Dolphin Leader: We would like permission to establish a dolphin-owned casino beneath Paradise.
Randall: Absolutely fucking not.
Dolphin Leader: We have already purchased the permits.
Thester checks his clipboard.
Thester: He's right. The paperwork is complete.
Randall: HOW THE HELL DID YOU PROCESS THAT BEFORE MY PARKING REQUEST?!
Thester: They filled out the forms correctly.
Fitz: That's my man.
Thester: Stop looking so proud of me.
Fitz: Can't. You're brilliant.
Thester: You're biased.
Fitz: Completely.
Everyone laughs except Randall.
Chapter 9:
The team returns to the station. Randall is eating a burger. Karen is filing reports. Kevin is typing up the treaty. Fitz is watching a movie on his phone. Gina is playing cards with Bullet. Dusty is asleep in the trash can again. Thester is back at his desk.
Fitz has pulled a chair beside Thester's desk and is sitting close enough that their knees touch. His hand rests on Thester's thigh beneath the desk, and Thester occasionally strokes his fingers while answering emails.
Kevin: So, what did we learn today?
Gina: That dolphins are smarter than Randall.
Fitz: That environmental neglect can create a revolution.
Karen: That people deserve to be heard before things get out of control.
Bullet: That biting electrical equipment is a viable alternative to higher education.
Dusty: (half-asleep) That pigeons can't swim.
Thester: That filing paperwork correctly is apparently more effective than a police raid.
Randall: I learned that this city is full of ungrateful assholes who expect me to solve every goddamn problem.
The phone rings.
Thester: Paradise Police Department.
He listens.
Thester: A group of underground penguins? They're demanding representation too?
Everyone slowly turns toward Randall.
Randall: No.
Thester: They say they have a lawyer.
Randall: FUCK!
Bullet: Maybe this time we can solve the problem without flooding the city.
Randall: Maybe this time you can shut your furry mouth!
Bullet: Maybe this time you can stop yelling like a divorced dad watching the Super Bowl!
Randall throws his burger at Bullet. Bullet catches it in his mouth.
Bullet: Thanks, asshole.
Fitz laughs, then turns to Thester.
Fitz: So, dinner tonight?
Thester: We just spent the entire day underground with revolutionary dolphins, nearly got drowned, and watched Dusty try to teach a pigeon to swim.
Fitz: Exactly. Romantic dinner. Just the two of us.
Thester: What did you have in mind?
Fitz: Takeout, a movie, and absolutely no doomsday machines.
Thester: You had me at takeout.
Fitz kisses his cheek.
Thester: I love you.
Fitz: Love you too, sweetheart.
Randall: IF YOU TWO START MAKING OUT ON COMPANY TIME, I'M FIRING BOTH OF YOU!
Thester: You can't fire me. I'm the only person who knows where you keep the payroll forms.
Randall: GODDAMMIT!
Bullet: Love wins, motherfucker.
Randall screams as the entire station descends into chaos.
The camera zooms out, leaving Fitz and Thester laughing together at the desk, hands intertwined.
THE END
Deep beneath Paradise, a secret laboratory glows with green light. A dolphin scientist watches a monitor showing footage of the police officers.
Dolphin Scientist: The humans have accepted our treaty. Phase One is complete.
A shadowy figure emerges from behind a tank.
Mysterious Figure: And Phase Two?
Dolphin Scientist: We release the penguins.
Mysterious Figure: Excellent. And what about the humans?
Dolphin Scientist: They'll never suspect a thing.
The scientist presses a button. A giant screen displays a title:
“PARADISE PD WILL RETURN: THE PENGUIN APOCALYPSE.”
Suddenly, a dolphin looks directly at the camera.
Dolphin: Also, fuck Randall.
FADE TO BLACK.
Meanwhile, back at the station, Fitz and Thester are blissfully unaware of the upcoming penguin apocalypse. Fitz has fallen asleep with his head in Thester's lap, and Thester is gently running his fingers through Fitz's hair while finishing the last of the paperwork.
Thester: You're lucky you're cute.
Fitz, half-asleep: Love you too, babe.
Thester smiles and kisses his forehead.
Thester: Love you too, sweet dreams!
The End
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