FicWad

Piccolo's eyes were only partly open as his college professor droned on about some boring matter. The classroom's air conditioning had broken, and every student was down to their undershirts (if they weren't already wearing something sleeveless). Piccolo was no exception, and his attention span was growing increasingly thin. Little things snagged his concentration and kept it there. The scantily clad girl in front in him, for instance- fanning herself obnoxiously loud with her notebook, throwing her thick hair around in agitation. Piccolo's eyes wandered lazily to the guy next to him, who was drawing a naked woman on the desk in boredom. The green man sighed and finally let his weary pupils settle on his professor, who seemed to notice the eye contact.

"Ah, welcome back Mr. Damioh! Perhaps you would care to expand on what I just said?" He asked, turning the projector off with a snap.

"Um, that's ok. I think you were doing a very good job of it, sir." Piccolo shrugged and leaned forward a little to show he was making an effort to pay attention, making the older man up front sigh.

"Well, it is rather hot today... we can end class early today, but only today! The AC should be fixed soon, so I expect everyone to be more receptive next time. Remember, your research papers are being graded this week, but hat doesn't let you all off the hook. All right, get out of here." The entire room let out a grateful sigh, and the clatter of books being shut and tossed into bags filled the air. Piccolo noticed his book wasn't even open, and slid it nonchalantly into his bag. He was about to rise from his chair when a figure suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Hey, Pic!" The young man grinned, tilting his head to the side. Likewise, Piccolo grinned and shook his head.

"Goku, haven't seen you in a while. What are you doing here, this isn't your class." Goku grinned even bigger and sheepishly scratched his head.

"Yeah, I was waiting outside. I uh, really needed your help." Piccolo frowned at the news. He had known Goku since they were kids, and he liked the guy. Sure he was stupid, but he wasn't in trouble, was he?

"Sure, shoot." Piccolo said, getting up and slinging his bag over one shoulder. Goku followed him out of the room a moment later, obviously choosing his words.

"Well, here's the thing...I am getting really- what I mean is Chi-Chi and I..."

"Son, spit it out." Piccolo said in slight agitation. It was too damn hot to be pussy footing around. Goku nodded and swallowed hardly.

"Piccolo, I want to ask Chi-Chi to be my wife."

The green man's eyes widened substantially as he stared at his friend, wondering if he had heard right. "M-marriage?"

Goku nodded and smiled. "Crazy, I know. But, that's not all..."

"Goku, if you think I'm going to help you ask her-"

"No no, Pic, you got it all wrong. See, I have the ring picked out and everything. The only problem is buying it."

Piccolo frowned and looked at his friend. "You have a steady job, you can afford it, right?"

Goku laughed nervously and shrugged. "I did have a steady job. I accidentally got fired for sleeping on duty. I came to you because your job seems to pay well, and I wanted to know if they were hiring."

Piccolo's eyes rolled before he could stop them. The idiot had no idea of what Piccolo's night job was. "Goku, you wouldn't like it. Hours are shitty, and you don't get any respect..."

"But the money's good, and I wanna buy that ring as soon as I can!" He seemed so determined that Piccolo just didn't have the heart to turn him down. Besides, amateur night was only three days away, and Goku could try out his luck there.

"Ok, but I have to prepare you for it's uh...demands. Come to my place around seven tonight, and um... yeah, I'll explain everything there."

-

Although his instincts had warned him against it, Piccolo had ended up calling Sofia. He knew he could use her help with Goku, and she was the only woman he knew who could. So, after agreeing to another night of pleasure/pain, Piccolo had the sworn aid of the young woman.

'I just hope I'm doing the right thing.' Piccolo thought as his doorbell rang. He opened it, seeing Goku's grinning face.

"Hey Piccolo! I brought movies, and some snacks, ok? It'll be fun! I got a comedy and an action, because tonight doesn't have to be all business, you know."

"Goku, this isn't a damn sleep-over. God, get in here." Piccolo pulled his friend in, hoping no one in his wing had witnessed the embarrassing little incident. "Now, I need to know one thing: do you know what a strip club is?"

Goku chewed on his bottom lip, squinting slightly. "Um...is that a chicken joint or something?" Piccolo sighed and resisted the urge to slap his friend silly.

"Man, I know you grew up in the country, but Christ...You know what, it's ok. All right, this may be difficult for you to understand, but people like to see other people-strangers, Goku- completely naked."

Goku nodded, but looked confused. "Why would they wanna do that? Don't they know everyone looks the same?"

Piccolo held his hand out, covering his eyes with the other one. "Just, let me finish...ok? Now, that's a little too boring for the general person. They like to see the person taking off their clothes...God, I feel so disgusting explaining this..." Piccolo rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and continued. "Anyway, the person removing their clothes-or 'stripping' as it's known- usually does it in a very erotic -that means sexy- way. NOW, it's hardly ever just everyday clothes. The stripper dons many costumes, ranging from construction worker to cop. It depends what the club says. Do you understand any of that?"

Goku looked a little confused. "But, I take off my clothes all the time in the locker room, and nobody-"

"Damn it, Goku, you do it for the opposite sex. Jesus, didn't your father teach you anything? Have you never seen porn in your life?" Piccolo was a little exasperated, but only because he was worried about his friend's innocence. "It doesn't matter. Look, I don't think you are cut out for this, buddy. It's not most people's thing, and well..."

"Piccolo, I need the money. Fast. Please, just teach me what I need to know, ok?" His face looked so pleadingly at Piccolo, that the exotic dancer just couldn't resist.

"Oh all right. But the first thing you need to do is come with me."

-

Goku covered his ears as the loud bass thumped the speakers. "Piccolo, is it always so loud?" The green man shrugged.

"Not always, but for the most part, yeah. Better get used to it. Now look," he said, pointing to the central stage. "You see that? We gotta get as close as we can to it, so you can see what I'm talking about." As they managed their way up, Goku became more and more confused.

"Piccolo, what are those women doing?"

"Just look ahead, Goku. You don't need to worry about that." Goku followed orders and the two young men finally made it to the front row. "Now, just watch the show and get an idea of what goes on in such a place."

The lights on stage danced wildly as a fast paced techno started up, followed by an energetic young woman in a jogger's uniform. She did a backbend and grabbed on to the pole on the center stage, flipping herself onto it and holding herself upside down, letting her ponytail swing in circles. She ripped off the hair tie and her blonde hair covered her face, only to be shaken away saucily a moment later. She gracefully hopped off the pole and fake-jogged to the edge of the catwalk, her high-heeled shoes clashing with the miniscule sport shorts.

"Piccolo, I don't think I understand," Goku began, but stopped when the woman started to teasingly lift up her jersey shirt, reavling something a bit more provocative than a sport bra.

Goku's eyes flew wide open and he stared at Piccolo, shaking. "Wh-what on earth is she doing! Everyone's watching!"

"No shit, that's the point," Piccolo said dully, shaking his head. "Look, Goku, the men aren't any better. They take off their clothes in an act, they get paid, everyone's happy."

Goku's eyes wouldn't leave Piccolo's, as if he was afraid to look to the stage. "But why?"

Piccolo shrugged and patted his friend on the shoulder. "It's a living."

-

After letting Goku be disturbed for a while, Piccolo took him back to his place and shoved him inside the door, tired of his whining.

"Piccolo, I wanna do it, but I don't know what it feels like-"

"I KNOW, Goku. I brought you back here so you could learn, damn. She should be here any minute..."

"Who?" Now Goku was really confused, and sat on the couch in a daze. Piccolo ignored him and tapped his foot on the ground.

"Goku, have you and Chi-Chi...well, did you guys ever...you know, hook up?"

"Huh? She's not a fish, Piccolo." Goku's large eyes followed Piccolo's agitated and pacing form.

"I know that, you silly bastard. I mean did you all ever...do the deed?"

"Now you're not making any sense at all. First she's a fish, and now you're talking about deeds or wills or something..."

"DAMNIT, GOKU! Did you two ever have SEX? SEX! That's what I wanted to know! This is going to be a LOT harder for you to understand if you're a virgin."

Goku blinked and tilted his head. "Uhhh... great, I don't need things to get any worse." He frowned and rubbed his chin. "But that's how it's gonna be, I guess. I think I'd remember if we did that."

I would hope so," Piccolo muttered, stopping his pacing at the sound of his door being knocked on. The grass-hued man walked to the door and yanked it open, grabbing a giddy looking Sofia and pulling her inside. "Thank fuck. Now listen, my friend here needs to learn the tricks of the trade, shall we say. We need to simulate what it will be like for him on stage. I personally don't want to play the women's part, so that's where you come in."

Sofia nodded and grinned widely. "Is he shy about being naked? Because I don't want to deal with some poor sobbing man about losing his pants..."

"He um...I think he pretty much grew up naked, shit. Country kid, you know? Anway, let's get started."

Goku just watched in confusion, large eyes pleading towards his friend. "Piccolo, who's she? And why is she smiling like that, it's scary!"

"Be a man, Goku. We're trying to help." Piccolo snapped, before sauntering over to his entertainment center and browsing through his CD collection. "We'll try displaying the action that goes into stripping, Goku. It's not something that just comes to most people. You have to be ready to throw your pride away and disgrace yourself in front of total strangers...Ah, here's a good one. Now, based on what you saw at that joint we went to, imitate what you think women would find arousing."

"...I don't get it."

Piccolo slapped hishead and pushed the play button. "Aroused...turns them on...makes them horny. Ok? Haven't you ever felt excited when you see, say, Chi-Chi in a bikini?"

"Well, not really, I mean...well, I get kinda warm in my nethers, but other than that-"

"Jesus, just try it."

The music started in with a far-away sounding beat, but quickly changed into a loud, thumping bassline. Goku nervously looked at Piccolo, then Sofia. He unflinchingly took off his clothes, but he might as well have been getting into the shower for all the eroticism he put into it. Piccolo hit the stop button and pointed at Sofia.

"You, fix it."

Sofia nodded and moved over to Goku, handing him his pants and shirt. "I felt about as randy as a blind 80 year-old. There wasn't any life there, pal. Look, women go crazy when they see a muscled body passionately ripping off it's clothes...so what you need to do is act more...well, teasingly. Don't just take off your pants for nothing! Make some horny bitch scream for it. Gyrate your hips, flex your pecs, whatever!"

"Before you ask, this is the action of 'gyrating'," Piccolo said dully, simulating the movement and holding out his hand, signalling for Goku to try. The young man repeated the move in confusion, making Sofia clap her hands.

"Not bad, but for you...I want you to smile real big the whole time, but not like a happy smile. More like a 'there's more where that came from' smile, ok? Here, like this." Sofia looked over her shoulder at Goku and let the corners of her mouth gently turn up, mouthing something while exaggerating the syllables with her tongue. Goku nodded and turned to Piccolo, face set in a determined line.

"Hit the music again, Piccolo... I think I'm ready."

-

"Now, this is going to be your biggest tool, so pay attention: When you gave a good performance, women will reward you. That's when you pull suggestively on this thing here," Piccolo said, pointing to the money band around Goku's now bare thigh, "and move to the edge of the stage/catwalk."

For the past two hours, Piccolo and Sofia had painstakingly shown Goku the do's and don'ts of exotic dancing. They had taken a few breaks, so that Goku wouldn't completely blow a brain cell. Now, however, Piccolo was summing up the session with a few tips and hints that would help his naive friend.

Piccolo sat on his couch and sighed. "I think you've had enough. You can go ahead and get back to your place now. Just think over your decision...like I said, it's not for everyone."

Goku nodded and walked over to Piccolo. The fact that he was dressed only in a man thong didn't seem to faze him, although he had complained about it being uncomfortable. Now, though he began taking it off so he could put his other garments on, when the front door suddenly opened, revealing none other than Vegeta. He blinked and looked from the g-stringed Goku to the peverted-appearing Piccolo and walked out again. Piccolo swore under his breath and raced after his friend, leaving Goku an Sofia in the room alone. Sofia had apparently fainted after Piccolo had helped Goku with pole dancing the coat rack, and hadn't come to since.

Meanwhile, Piccolo tried to explain the rather embarrassing situation with himself and Goku. "Vegeta, I swear it's not like that. I'm not a fucking fag or anything, I was just helping Goku because-"

"Help that stupid ass clown?" Vegeta bellowed, making Piccolo wince. Although Goku had no problems with the vertically challanged stripper, Vegeta himself hated everything about Goku. Everything from his carefree smile to his retarded questions in class. Piccolo suspected he really hated him because in highschool Vegeta and Goku had both tried out for starting quarterback, and Goku had won the position.

"Vegeta, just calm down. He's going to try his luck at AW on Amateur night, so he can buy...something. Just leave him alone; he's not that bad. Sure, he's a stupid dildo, but he means well."

"How can a guy who doesn't know what the word 'clit' means be a stripper?" Vegeta demanded, making Piccolo shrug.

"I guess we'll see, then, won't we? Now, stop being such a douche and come inside. Goku was just leaving anyway." Vegeta growled but obliged, following the emerald man through the door.