(#) kage_ishtar 2006-09-16I really liked the idea of the story, and how you went about starting it was very good. However, not to be mean or anything, your grammar could use a bit of work. I noticed there were a lot of run-on sentences. I think you could use a beta-reader, someone who checks for spelling mistakes and what-not, before your post the story. If you check on the mailing list, I'm sure there would be lots who would like to help. Any way, I really like it, and I would definetly like to read the second chapter. I hope that helps.
Sign up to review this story.