Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Harry Potter and the Innate Malapropism
Harry Enjoys Some Lunch
0 reviewsHarry Potter's new adventure into awkward indoctrination. HPPH/HPYR/RPYH
1TrainWreck
Harry Potter was fed up. His mesmerizing green eyes flashed with a glint of anger; if any fool had seen that penetrating gaze, they would assuredly faint from the pure hatred permeating the very depths of the Boy-Who-Lived's eyes. Harry closed his eyes and sighed. He turned to face the door to his room and opened his eyes, affixing a determined expression on his face.
Harry gritted his teeth. "It's time for me to be independent," Harry declared in a firm, clear voice. "No longer shall I suffer from the shackles and bindings of oppressing adults, neither well-meaning nor ill-wishing! Those foolish so-called 'rules' they insist are for my safety are nothing but unintentional constraints to my very dignity!"
He thrust open the door with a fluid but powerful motion, and stepped out into the hallway. Harry breathed in deeply, savoring the air of freedom. His brilliant emerald eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and he choked slightly, caught up in the intense emotions that raced through his veins.
"This is it," Harry murmured in an awed voice. "My chance to truly live for once; to do something I've wanted to do for so long... Something I've truly... needed. My freedom."
****
Frankie The Spoon Presents
A Djinni Softworks Production
Harry Enjoys Some Lunch
by Lord Jeram
**
Harry whistled a merry tune as he rummaged through the Dursley's refrigerator. Due to an astonishing plot twist, the Dursley's had all gone on vacation for that afternoon, leaving their "freakish" relative free to roam the house on his own. Of course, Uncle Vernon had warned his nephew to stay in his room the entire time, and to focus on one thing during their absence: doing nothing to disturb the house or the neighborhood in any possible way.
The Dursley's planned a vacation to distant West Essex, nearly three Kylometers away. Dudley had reached a truly epic degree of improbable girth and bodily proportion, with a perfectly round body from the neck down, two stubby legs sticking out at odd angles, and his bulbous arms protruding like tubes of gelatin from his corpulent form, his two massive fists bristling with calluouses and bruises. His face was scrunched and his skin stretched over his reddened face. As the spherical boy breathed, his body shook with his intense efforts to maintain his cardiovascular efforts.
Aunt Petunia waited in the car.
While the exposition had continued, Harry had busied himself gathering the essential components to his sumptuous banquet in waiting. It was now time - high time - to eat him some lunch. Harry scratched his chin thoughtfully, ignoring the bare scruffiness of his miniscule facial hair. "I think a tasty soup shall be first," Harry remarked with a grin as he looked at his reflection at a nearby mirror.
Of course, this particular mirror was not enchanted or charmed to do anything useful, such as provide superficial compliments or display the results of a curse or hex thrown at a victim. It was just an ordinary muggle mirror. Just the way Harry liked it.
***
The soup simmered with a friendly gurgle on the range, letting off the distinct scent of pepper and ginger, of which Harry had added in abundance. It was a creamy corn squash soup, although Harry had replaced the milk in the recipe with rice milk, being a strict 3rd-level vegan. Now that the soup was nearing completion, the Boy-Who-Lived added a dash of paprika for color and set the soup aside to cool.
Harry grinned and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Now for my favorite part: making the sandwiches!" Harry planned to make three sandwiches, each a collection of his favorite tastes to form a symbiotic symphony of magnificent culinary magnitude. The first sandwich would be on glazed sourdough, fresh from the cupboard. Harry added a thin slice of ham, followed by four strips of vegetarian bacon. Following this were, in quick succession (Harry's Seeker instincts coming to play) a boiled egg, four slices of romaine lettuce, a sprinkling of shredded mozzarella, and (as Harry was a strict 3rd-level vegan) an egg-free, dairy-free, meat-free piece of organic celery.
Next would be the rye on wheat, which was just three slices of rye bread between two whole wheat slices. This sandwich was one of Harry's favorites; he called it his Quintuple Breads of Glory.
Finally Harry completed his post-penultimate sandwich, his ultimate solace from the cold, harsh world. Squeezed between two firm slices of crisp toasted pumpernickel was a slice of turkey, four strips of Canadian bacon, a dollop of mayonnaise, three pieces of American cheese, another helping of mayonnaise, four sweet pickle slices, and an Earl Grey tea bag, topped off with another glop of mayonnaise. As Harry put away the mayonnaise, a drop of the sweet, sweet mixture dripped from the jar, speeding towards the clean kitchen floor. Finally putting his Seeker reflexes to good use, Harry's finger darted down, and with one smooth motion, snatched the wayward mayo out of the air and put it in his mouth, where it found a good home.
Harry grinned, satisfied.
**
"Finally," Harry grinned. "Only two things are left for my sumptuous feast! Lemon meringue pie and egg-free pizza for dessert, followed by the eating of said things!" Licking his lips in anticipation, Harry did a little awkward dance on the way to the refrigerator. Oddly enough, if someone happened to glance through the kitchen window at that moment, they would see a boy moving in a manner similar to a hummingbird carrying a tiny elephant.
While the pie cooked in the oven, Harry whirled around dramatically, and began juggling the egg-free eggs for the pizza. Three eggs were snatched with Seeker quickness, broken, emptied, and the shells thrown away, while Harry continued the juggle the rest. Harry smirked triumphantly, knowing that the hour was nearly nigh. Even though Harry had not tried juggling eggs in several years, it was clear he had not lost his touch.
Dancing merrily to the counter, Harry began tossing on his favorite toppings: ham, sausage, bacon, shredded beef, chicken nuggets, onions, garlic, falafel bits, and vegetarian slime. At the sight of the beauteous circle of planned perfection, the Boy-Who-Lived sighed in satisfaction. Now the food was ready for the final step in Harry's clever master plan. Grinning beatifically, Harry rolled up his sleeves and sat down at the table to begin his feast.
*****
Brief Interlude:
Voldemort frowned and grimaced, scowling with an annoyed expression, glancing at Wormtail with a bitter look on his exasperated face. Wormtail shook and quivered, nearly half dead with fright. Voldemort continued to look at his peon with evil eyes, pursing his lips and growling, sending Wormtail into a near catatonia of terror.
Wormtail blinked.
"HA!" Voldemort roared triumphantly. "I win again! NONE SHALL DEFEAT ME IN THE CONTEST OF STARING!"
"Two out of three, Lord?" Wormtail inquired.
"Crucio!"
**
Harry burped contentedly.
********
Author's Note:
Heard of The DaPotter Code? All my Harry Potter stories that are being written will contain a very special mysterious puzzle, a code if you will.
This story came about because of a disturbing trend I've noticed in fanfiction.
Bit O' Background: I have been reading and writing fanfiction since my first year of college back in 1999. Of course, I had written original prose and poetry previously, and continue to do so. I started writing HP fanfiction a bit after GoF came out; so many ideas I had! Of course, due to certain "Events" occurring, they remained incomplete. Just a taste:
Mangled Memory: My idea of a psychological thrill ride of alternate dimensions (I was one of the first to come up with this idea!) and the mysteries of memory.
Extremus Incantus: Another idea, this one about a mystical word that seemingly causes illusionary effects, but is hiding something far more sinister.
The trend I mentioned earlier was over-describing the food Harry eats and prepares in various fics, usually the Independent!Harry and TimeTravel!Harry fics. Personally, I also like the Iron Chef!Harry fics, but at least those discuss food in a way that make sense.
As for the first clue for The DaPotter Code? It's hidden somewhere in this document. The key to where exactly is by reading the rating of movie critic Roger Ebert for the movie Match Point from 2006. Good luck!
-Jeram
Harry gritted his teeth. "It's time for me to be independent," Harry declared in a firm, clear voice. "No longer shall I suffer from the shackles and bindings of oppressing adults, neither well-meaning nor ill-wishing! Those foolish so-called 'rules' they insist are for my safety are nothing but unintentional constraints to my very dignity!"
He thrust open the door with a fluid but powerful motion, and stepped out into the hallway. Harry breathed in deeply, savoring the air of freedom. His brilliant emerald eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and he choked slightly, caught up in the intense emotions that raced through his veins.
"This is it," Harry murmured in an awed voice. "My chance to truly live for once; to do something I've wanted to do for so long... Something I've truly... needed. My freedom."
****
Frankie The Spoon Presents
A Djinni Softworks Production
Harry Enjoys Some Lunch
by Lord Jeram
**
Harry whistled a merry tune as he rummaged through the Dursley's refrigerator. Due to an astonishing plot twist, the Dursley's had all gone on vacation for that afternoon, leaving their "freakish" relative free to roam the house on his own. Of course, Uncle Vernon had warned his nephew to stay in his room the entire time, and to focus on one thing during their absence: doing nothing to disturb the house or the neighborhood in any possible way.
The Dursley's planned a vacation to distant West Essex, nearly three Kylometers away. Dudley had reached a truly epic degree of improbable girth and bodily proportion, with a perfectly round body from the neck down, two stubby legs sticking out at odd angles, and his bulbous arms protruding like tubes of gelatin from his corpulent form, his two massive fists bristling with calluouses and bruises. His face was scrunched and his skin stretched over his reddened face. As the spherical boy breathed, his body shook with his intense efforts to maintain his cardiovascular efforts.
Aunt Petunia waited in the car.
While the exposition had continued, Harry had busied himself gathering the essential components to his sumptuous banquet in waiting. It was now time - high time - to eat him some lunch. Harry scratched his chin thoughtfully, ignoring the bare scruffiness of his miniscule facial hair. "I think a tasty soup shall be first," Harry remarked with a grin as he looked at his reflection at a nearby mirror.
Of course, this particular mirror was not enchanted or charmed to do anything useful, such as provide superficial compliments or display the results of a curse or hex thrown at a victim. It was just an ordinary muggle mirror. Just the way Harry liked it.
***
The soup simmered with a friendly gurgle on the range, letting off the distinct scent of pepper and ginger, of which Harry had added in abundance. It was a creamy corn squash soup, although Harry had replaced the milk in the recipe with rice milk, being a strict 3rd-level vegan. Now that the soup was nearing completion, the Boy-Who-Lived added a dash of paprika for color and set the soup aside to cool.
Harry grinned and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Now for my favorite part: making the sandwiches!" Harry planned to make three sandwiches, each a collection of his favorite tastes to form a symbiotic symphony of magnificent culinary magnitude. The first sandwich would be on glazed sourdough, fresh from the cupboard. Harry added a thin slice of ham, followed by four strips of vegetarian bacon. Following this were, in quick succession (Harry's Seeker instincts coming to play) a boiled egg, four slices of romaine lettuce, a sprinkling of shredded mozzarella, and (as Harry was a strict 3rd-level vegan) an egg-free, dairy-free, meat-free piece of organic celery.
Next would be the rye on wheat, which was just three slices of rye bread between two whole wheat slices. This sandwich was one of Harry's favorites; he called it his Quintuple Breads of Glory.
Finally Harry completed his post-penultimate sandwich, his ultimate solace from the cold, harsh world. Squeezed between two firm slices of crisp toasted pumpernickel was a slice of turkey, four strips of Canadian bacon, a dollop of mayonnaise, three pieces of American cheese, another helping of mayonnaise, four sweet pickle slices, and an Earl Grey tea bag, topped off with another glop of mayonnaise. As Harry put away the mayonnaise, a drop of the sweet, sweet mixture dripped from the jar, speeding towards the clean kitchen floor. Finally putting his Seeker reflexes to good use, Harry's finger darted down, and with one smooth motion, snatched the wayward mayo out of the air and put it in his mouth, where it found a good home.
Harry grinned, satisfied.
**
"Finally," Harry grinned. "Only two things are left for my sumptuous feast! Lemon meringue pie and egg-free pizza for dessert, followed by the eating of said things!" Licking his lips in anticipation, Harry did a little awkward dance on the way to the refrigerator. Oddly enough, if someone happened to glance through the kitchen window at that moment, they would see a boy moving in a manner similar to a hummingbird carrying a tiny elephant.
While the pie cooked in the oven, Harry whirled around dramatically, and began juggling the egg-free eggs for the pizza. Three eggs were snatched with Seeker quickness, broken, emptied, and the shells thrown away, while Harry continued the juggle the rest. Harry smirked triumphantly, knowing that the hour was nearly nigh. Even though Harry had not tried juggling eggs in several years, it was clear he had not lost his touch.
Dancing merrily to the counter, Harry began tossing on his favorite toppings: ham, sausage, bacon, shredded beef, chicken nuggets, onions, garlic, falafel bits, and vegetarian slime. At the sight of the beauteous circle of planned perfection, the Boy-Who-Lived sighed in satisfaction. Now the food was ready for the final step in Harry's clever master plan. Grinning beatifically, Harry rolled up his sleeves and sat down at the table to begin his feast.
*****
Brief Interlude:
Voldemort frowned and grimaced, scowling with an annoyed expression, glancing at Wormtail with a bitter look on his exasperated face. Wormtail shook and quivered, nearly half dead with fright. Voldemort continued to look at his peon with evil eyes, pursing his lips and growling, sending Wormtail into a near catatonia of terror.
Wormtail blinked.
"HA!" Voldemort roared triumphantly. "I win again! NONE SHALL DEFEAT ME IN THE CONTEST OF STARING!"
"Two out of three, Lord?" Wormtail inquired.
"Crucio!"
**
Harry burped contentedly.
********
Author's Note:
Heard of The DaPotter Code? All my Harry Potter stories that are being written will contain a very special mysterious puzzle, a code if you will.
This story came about because of a disturbing trend I've noticed in fanfiction.
Bit O' Background: I have been reading and writing fanfiction since my first year of college back in 1999. Of course, I had written original prose and poetry previously, and continue to do so. I started writing HP fanfiction a bit after GoF came out; so many ideas I had! Of course, due to certain "Events" occurring, they remained incomplete. Just a taste:
Mangled Memory: My idea of a psychological thrill ride of alternate dimensions (I was one of the first to come up with this idea!) and the mysteries of memory.
Extremus Incantus: Another idea, this one about a mystical word that seemingly causes illusionary effects, but is hiding something far more sinister.
The trend I mentioned earlier was over-describing the food Harry eats and prepares in various fics, usually the Independent!Harry and TimeTravel!Harry fics. Personally, I also like the Iron Chef!Harry fics, but at least those discuss food in a way that make sense.
As for the first clue for The DaPotter Code? It's hidden somewhere in this document. The key to where exactly is by reading the rating of movie critic Roger Ebert for the movie Match Point from 2006. Good luck!
-Jeram
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