Categories > TV > Thunderbirds > The Star Spangled Banner

Mary Sues

by Crystal_Phoenix 0 reviews

More SSB

Category: Thunderbirds - Rating: G - Genres: Humor, Parody - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2006-10-19 - Updated: 2006-10-19 - 747 words

Written in response to reading one too many Mary-Sue fics a few years ago. originally posted on
Disclaimer, not mine, it all belongs to someone else, even the idea of the pub!

The bar was unusually silent as the workmen and technicians finished their work. Most of the clientele had been observing the proceedings with varying degrees of apprehension. Finally Jeff Tracy spoke,

"Well Brains" he asked the creator of the sleek metal device, which was now snugly adhering to the doorframe of the main door. "Would you mind telling us what this is?"

"Er n-not at all, er Mr. Tracy." Answered the bespectacled genius. "It's a er M-Mary-sue detector"

"Brains" exclaimed Commander Shore, "You're a genius"

This is the Star Spangled banner, the supermarionation pub outside continuity. It has all the trappings of a normal (or derivative thereof) public house or other licensed premises, the bar, the jukebox, the pool room and a family room. The games machine in the corner emits random beeps occasionally but don't worry, it's essentially harmless. Well, I THINK it is. The bar itself serves various drinks, including the infamous Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, or at least its nearest human equivalent (I think it contains the traditional olive at least.). People have enquired about the décor. Think dingy, the pub has had numerous lights added over the years but NOTHING can prevent the "olde worlde" pub gloom which abounds. There are usually some ancient, smoke blackened beams set in the ceiling, but these, as is the case with all the interior fixtures are subject to change. This is complex and to describe the phenomena properly requires a good understanding of intercontinuity physics. Suffice to say that the décor is subject to change according to the authors personal preferences. This however is frowned upon by the clientele.

Recently the proprietor noticed that too many Mary-Sues were creeping into Supermarionation stories. He got worried.

No I'm wrong, he got furious. He HATES Mary-Sues and he has decided to protect his sacred charge by commissioning Brains to invent a Mary-Sue detector.

It's a good plan, however.....

"Er, t-this device only detects M-Mary-sues, er it doesn't stop them from er entering."

Continued Brains as if the authors interjection had never happened. "We, er need to be vigilant".

"But Brains" put in Colonel White, "How do we stop the blighters getting in?"

"Yeah" added Jeff, "How am I supposed to play darts with 10 or so strange girls wandering in claiming to be my daughter or niece or cousin or something?"

"And what about us?" asked John Tracy "What are we supposed to do when half a dozen girls all claim to be our girlfriends at once"

"We kick back and watch a major cat-fight?" Asked Gordon.

"No." said Jeff firmly "We have to prevent them getting in at all. We need a bouncer."

So it was decided that Captain Black would be paid to watch the door and kick out all Mary-Sues. He was considered the most reliable choice because he wasn't bribable (they think that not everything was mysteronised in total working order!) Plus he looks kind of mean anyway. Colonel White voiced his concerns that Captain Black could not be relied upon to keep his promise not to mysteronise any casualties but it was pointed out, by a "think tank" headed by Dr Beaker, that an evil Mary-Sue could not exist outside her creators direct control. There was much relief at this, the last thing an out of continuity place needs is Mary-Sues trying to take over the world. It plays hell with the serious drinking which needs to be done.

Soon the beeping of the detector was herd as Mary-Sue after Mary-Sue was turned away and the phrase "Hi I'm Elinor/Katharine/Lucy/Amiee Tracy, I'm here to see my father" was interspersed with "I'm Timpani/Eulogy/Soliloquy Angel, Is the Colonel there?" And sometimes "I'm Marinas sister, but of course I can speak" echoed desolately through the car park.

Captain Black took to shooting the most persistent ones with the gun Scott had lent him but managed to hit none of them, Mary-Sues are notoriously good at dodging gunshots.
As Captain Scarlet pointed out, they get a lot of practice.

Some of them started singing strange songs in praise of Thunderbirds but Troy fired Sting missiles at them till they went away. Hopefully Brains will have that Mary-Sue repeller ready in time for the next expected wave.
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