Categories > Movies > Outsiders > Darkest Hour

Contemplating Death

by Varinia 0 reviews

What if Pony had been seriously injured in the fire as well as Johnny? Will the gang be able to cope with it? COMPLETE!

Category: Outsiders - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst, Drama - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006-11-05 - Updated: 2006-11-06 - 1074 words

Contemplating Death

Pony's POV

Why me? It's not like my life wasn't hard enough already. Everything that I ever hoped for, is gone. What was I thinking? Dally was right. It wasn't worth it. Those kids didn't deserve to die, but I don't deserve to be blind either. I'm useless. The only thing I was ever good at was school and track. Now, I can't even do that. I just wish I had died in that fire, so that it could all be over. I wish none of this had ever happened.

"Pony? You all right?" I heard Johnny say as he walked into the room.

"Yeah," I said trying to convince, not only Johnny, but myself that I really was okay.

"You know Soda's really worried 'bout you. We're all worried 'bout you, Ponyboy. You can talk to me anytime. You should know that. I've always got your back and I know that you've always got mine. I'll be in the living room with the gang if you need me. We're here for you and we want you to know that," Johnny said before I heard him quietly slip out of the room.

You're wrong, Johnny. I haven't always been there for you like I should have. If wasn't for me, you wouldn't have gone into that church. You may not be on crutches anymore, but you could have been for life. How can you say that you're there for me when I wasn't there for you? What kind of a friend am I? If only there was someway that I could end it all. Get away from the pain and the guilt. There's nothing left to live for anymore. I can't seem to bring my self to eat anything, no matter how hungry I really am. It just seems that eating postpones all of it. I want it to be over with. I just want to die.

"Hey Pony. Time to finally get some shut eye," Soda said as he and Johnny entered our room to go to sleep for the night. I could hear Johnny settle in his sleeping bag and Soda climbin' into our bed.

"I'm sure glad you're okay, Pony. I don't think I could live without you," Soda said as he wrapped his arm around me and was soon off to sleep. How could he not see it? How could he not see that I had let them down? I'm not worth anything. Who in the world could be happy that I was okay? Only Sodapop would say something like that, and I knew he meant it. But before I could think on it any longer, my eyes began to feel heavy and I drifted off to sleep.

I woke in the morning to someone jumping on our bed. It couldn't be Soda, cause he was still half asleep lying next to me. And there was no way it could be Johnny, cause he just got off his crutches a few days ago. It had to be Two-Bit or Steve.

"Time to wake up you lazy bums!" I heard Two-Bit shout, still jumping on our bed.

"Why do you always have to come to wake us up?" Soda complained.

"Cause it seems that I'm the only one who can," Two-Bit said giving Soda a wacky grin.

"Where's Steve?"

"He already left to go to work. Darry told him that you're stayin' home today, like you should've yesterday."

"I need to get to work. How long ago did he leave?"

"You're not going anywhere. Darry asked me to babysit you, to make sure that you don't go to work."

"Two-Bit, you aren't actually going to listen to him, are you? I feel fine."

"Nope. You're stayin' home. Don't worry, you'll thank me later." Two-Bit said as Soda rolled his eyes at him.

"Well, at least give us a few minutes to get dressed," Soda said slowly getting out of the bed.

"Johnny, you want to help me cook up a few eggs or somethin'?"

"Sure. Somebody's got to supervise you," Johnny said as he and Two-Bit walked down the hall together.

"Did ya sleep well, Ponyboy?" Soda asked me.


"Let's go get a bite to eat, before Two-Bit eats it all," Soda said to me once we had finished getting dressed.

"I'm not hungry."

"What do you mean you're not hungry. You haven't eaten for two days! Something's wrong, Pony. Tell me what's going on. I'm here for you and you should know that," Soda pleaded with me, as he sat beside me on the bed.

"There's no point in eating, Soda. It postpones everything! Don't you get it? I just want to die! I want to it to be over and get away from it all! I don't want to live like this anymore!" I shouted at him. And even though I couldn't see his face, I knew it was one of shock and disbelief.

"Why, Pony? Do you really think death will solve your problems? Did you even think about us? Did you think about what it would do to me, Pony? What it would do to the gang? Dally already blames himself enough for the accident, he wouldn't be able to handle your death. I know I couldn't. I'd kill myself before I would live without you! You may end your own problems, but you leave us to deal with them. Don't you understand how important you are to us? You're my little brother and I can't imagine life without you. Please, don't end your life. You're too young and you don't deserve to die. It's not you're time. I can't live without you. I just can't," Soda said between his sobs and tears.

"I don't think I can. I'm worthless! What good am I to you?"

"You're my brother and you help me get through each day. We need you Pony, we all do. Please, stay with us. We need you," Soda said trying to hold back another sob.

"I'll try, Soda. But I can't say that I'll make it," I said trying hard not to start crying myself.

"Please try. I love you, Pony and I want you to know that. I'm here for you, anytime you want to talk. I'm here for you," Soda said as he embraced me in a tight hug. I guess I can give life another go, so I can say I tried. For Soda's sake, I'll try.
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