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Davey watched Tyler in the mirror doing his hair. He'd been at it for 45 minutes now. It was perfect, but try telling him that. It could always be better. Smoother, flatter, shinier, etc.

'Why am I doing this?'

His brain spat the question out so abruptly he had to take a moment to figure out what he meant.

'Why am I with him when he's so...shallow? Well, nobody is going to be perfect. But am I doing this because it's what's expected of me, or do I really have feelings for him? God, I don't know what I feel anymore.'

"What's the matter?" Tyler asked, catching a glimpse of his face in the mirror.
"Nothing," he said, grabbing his Sidekick. "I'll be right back."

He went outside the venue just to get a little space from everyone. The tradeoff was that he was now freezing his ass off outside in nothing but a t-shirt and some black pants. But he just had one call to make. A call he knew might upset Tyler, since everything to do with Litzy upset Tyler. He hated to see pictures of her or hear mention of her. He would throw a tantrum and leave to go off by himself and sulk, waiting for Davey to come pay him some attention and reassure him about his place in his life. Jealousy was cute in the beginning but soon got tiresome.

He found her in his Contacts list and dialed the number.

"Hello," she answered.
She sounded like she'd been crying. It was 8:00pm in New York and 7:00pm in Chicago. The presentation must not have gone well.
"Hi hon. What's wrong?" he asked.
"Everything."
"How did the presentation go?"
"Awful," she sniffled. "I messed up unbelievably."
"What? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it, it's too embarrassing."
"Aw sweetie, I'm so sorry."
"Thanks. Well, at least I got a mini vacation out of it."
"Oh, you got time off?"
"A few days. Nothing major."
"So now what's your excuse for not coming to New York?"
"Ah...I..."
"Oh you forgot about that?"
"It's not a good time, Davey."
"Why not?"?"Because I'm upset and my life is falling apart."
"That's the best time to be amongst friends. You should come."
"Well how will the boyfriend take it if I show up?"
"He wont like it, but he cant pick my friends."
"How much does he know about us?"
"He doesn't know that we made love."
"Does anybody?"
"No."
"So I'm a dirty little secret," she said.
"No, it's not like that. It's just that its none of their business."
She was quiet for a while.
"Davey, I need to talk to you about something. Something important."
"Okay..." he said, waiting for her to start talking.
"No, not over the phone. I guess I should come out there."
"You should. I'll send you a ticket."?"I can get my own -"
"I know that. But I'm still sending you one. Shannon will be in touch."
"Alright."
"See you soon, have a safe flight. I love you."
"See you soon."

He hadn't missed her refusal to say those three little words. And even though he knew why, it still hurt.

"So, who was that?" Tyler asked, from the doorway. His voice was just dripping with jealousy.
'God! What, did he follow me out here?' he wondered.
"That was Litzy," he said, turning around to face him. "She's having a rough time at work so she's taking some time off and coming to hang with us for a few days."
Tyler looked as though Davey had just slapped him in the face.
"Davey, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"What exactly is your obsession with that fat bitch?"
"Okay look, first of all, Litzy and I have been friends for 3 years. That's a long time. And it was before I met you. So if you take my hanging out with her as a personal attack, then you're being ridiculous."
"I'm being ridiculous?!"
"Second, don't ever talk about her like that. Don't talk about any of my friends like that."
"I'm being ridiculous?! You think I don't know about you two?"
"What is there to know?! Enlighten me. Please."
"You're not just friends. You never were. And now you expect me to just roll out the red carpet for her when I know what's going to happen when she gets here?!"
"Nothing is going to happen! Litzy and I had a fight, she can barely even stand me -"
"Is that why you're telling her you fucking love her on the phone?!" he cried, tearing up.
"I tell Jade I love him, too! You want me to stop talking to Jade?!"
"It's not the same, Davey! You don't love her like you love Jade. You love her...like I love you."

Davey now felt guilty and trapped. Because now he had to say something or someone was going to be hurt. But he also felt angry because Tyler's feelings weren't supposed to be his responsibility to begin with. He'd been pushed on him yet again by Jade and his matchmaking. Jade had noticed that he seemed down after his birthday and he confronted him about it, saying that he was in love with Litzy and that women were all the same - destined to make you miserable. When he denied that anything was going on between himself and Litzy, Jade said "Good. So, then you won't mind that we're meeting up with Tyler in Vegas? I'm sure he can fix what ails ya."

He was pissed off, but he still got it on with Tyler, out of the simple need to just be with someone. Which did make him feel better. Next thing he knew, he had a boyfriend. Now, said boyfriend was in love with him. And in Tyler's defense, he wasn't just vain, jealous and bitchy. He was supportive and affectionate and a good listener. When he wasn't throwing a tantrum he genuinely tried to be there for Davey. Which was why he didn't want to break his heart.

"Listen to me," he said, taking his hand. "Tyler, you are an amazing boyfriend. I was lucky to find you, and the last thing I would do is mess around with someone else or do anything to hurt you. But at the same time I do have friends that I spend time with, and that's just part of who I am. I need you to trust me. Can you do that?"
"Of course," he nodded, starry-eyed.

He took him in his arms and held him, feeling him stroke his hair, lovingly. And it felt right. It felt comfortable and natural. This was the life he'd chosen so many years ago. How could he change that now?

When Litzy arrived, how would things be between them? What did she have to tell him that was so important? Just the thought of seeing her gave him butterflies in his stomach. Was that normal? Was any of this normal?

But then again, what was 'normal,' anyway?







AFI had an instore at a Virgin at 4:00pm and Litzy arrived at JFK at noon. Davey went to pick her up in a limo. He was amazed at what she was wearing. A short black fur jacket and a red and white polka dot dress that was so low-cut it was obvious she wasn't wearing a bra. She also wore fishnets, ankle-high black shiny high-heeled boots, and red matte lipstick. Her glossy dark hair fell in loose curls. She looked like some sort of pinup girl. All his hopes of not being attracted to her were dead.

"Oh my God."
"What?" she asked, innocently.
"Nothing," he said, figuring it best not to inform her that she looked like sex. He hugged her and kissed her cheek. She smelled good too. "It's just so good to see you."
"I missed you," she said, in a way that made him hug her again.

She squeezed him and held on for a minute. He just enjoyed it, smelling her hair and letting his hands rest on her waist. Her hand gently ran up and down his back. He thought about the fact that those gorgeous breasts were pressed against his chest, and wondered if her fishnets went all the way up or if they were thigh his. He realized he was developing a serious hard-on, and he hoped she wouldn't notice. He really hoped she wouldn't. He'd told himself it was a one-time thing, what had happened between them. That he was just curious and she was someone he knew very well so he felt safe experimenting with her. But seeing her again now, he had to accept that it was more than that. Much more.

'God, what am I going to do?'

They let go and he grabbed her bags. She said she wanted to drop them at the hotel first.

In the car, they sat there on opposite ends of the long seat, looking at each other. Things were awkward, as he'd expected. She wasn't just a close friend anymore. She was a close friend and someone he'd been intimate with.

"You look gorgeous," she said. She often said so after she hadnt seen him in awhile. But somehow now it was different.
"Thank you. You look...amazingly beautiful."
She laughed. "You're a good liar."
"Why would I lie?" he asked, scooting closer.
"I don't know, but you must be lying," she said. "We both know your attraction to me is on a limited basis."
"That's true only if 'limited basis' means whenever I'm around you."
She smiled but wasn't buying it.
"Whatever," she said, looking out the window.
"Come here," he said, patting the seat next to him.
She looked at him, deliberated for a moment, then slid over.
"Litzy, there's something about you - just you - that has me all confused. I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. I dont know what I want. I need your help here."
"How can I help?"
"I just need to kiss you one time. Just to see what's really there. You know?"
She looked hesitant but agreed with a nod of her head.
He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he told himself it wasn't cheating, it was something that just needed to be done. He scooted a little closer and placed his hand on her face, kissing her softly. It was so nice he sighed.
"Well?" she asked, looking at him dreamily.
"Inconclusive," he said, and kissed her again, deeper this time.
She put her arms around him, fully returning the kiss.
"Mmmm Davey," she murmured, running her fingers through his hair.
He pulled her closer, pulling her legs over his and kissing her. He slid his hand up to cup her breast with his left hand. She caught his hand and pulled back.
"I didn't come down here for you to experiment with me again," she said, eyes blazing.
"That's not what I'm doing," he blinked, caught off guard.
"Then what are you doing?"
"I...I really dont know."
"Davey, what's going on? You're into girls now?"
"I'm apparently into you."
"And what about Tyler?"
"I dont know."
"How can you not know?!"
"Because, it's complicated. Litzy, living your life as a gay man is hard. You have to endure certain things, like social ignorance and intolerance. You have to deal with parents who will never look at you the same - never love you the same. And I faced all of that to be able to live the lifestyle I chose. But every time I kiss you, I feel like I'm giving up what I fought for. Like I'm giving up a little piece of who I am."
"So...maybe you shouldn't kiss me."
"But when I do, it just feels so good. I think its because of the connection that we have. I mean, we're close, but I want to be closer with you. As close as I can be. The night of my birthday something happened -"
"Yeah, something happened, alright," she said, and looked away.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing."
"Well, what I mean is that it wasn't just the sex itself. It's like when we were together it was a whole new level I could reach with you. And it's hard for me not to want that. I don't know. I think I might be Bi. I dunno. God, I hate these labels."
"So, you're saying that you love me as a friend but you're also attracted to me and want to make love to me, but at the same time you want to have a boyfriend because you're unable and/or unwilling to give up your gold membership card to the Gay Club?"
He started to say something but then just cracked up laughing. Litzy couldn't help but laugh, too.
"There's no card, you know," he said, after the laughter had died down. "Though it'd be kinda nice if there was..."
She just laughed and put her arms around his neck.
"I know its a confusing situation for you. We'll figure it out," she said, and kissed his cheek.
He leaned his head against hers, feeling more hopeful than he had in weeks.