Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > The Curse of the Curls

The life & times of Kylene Imogen Sheryl Stump

by FrostedGlass 17 reviews

Despite the risk of actually learning something, Kylene goes to school and introduces us to her gang. Their lingo may seem daft at first... and actually appears to be even dafter at second glance. ...

Category: Fall Out Boy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama, Humor, Sci-fi - Published: 2006-12-27 - Updated: 2006-12-27 - 1439 words

2. The life & times of Kylene Imogen Sheryl Stump

I don't really mind going to school. Not because I feel the urge to accumulate a wad of knowledge about algebra or think it's vital to be able to dissect a frog but because it's a place where I meet my friends. And a place where I can avoid my mother whose mind is set in the Stonge Age.

"Hey, Dana," I greeted my best friend whose locker was conveniently positioned right next to mine.

"What's up, Kyle?" she slammed her locker door shut. "Big date with Travis later, huh? What are you gonna wear?"

We walked in the direction of our form room for the first period. "Some skirt and some top," I replied, trying to sound as if I hadn't wrecked my brain over that matter the whole week.

"You know you have to give me all the details later today. Like call me as soon as you're home."

Dana. She's a great friend. We have tons in common. We listen to the same type of music and we tend to pick the same film whenever we decide to go to the movies. My parents like her too. Her grades are a lot better than mine so Mom keeps telling me to study with her and ask her about the strategies she uses for preparing for an exam. "Strategies for studying", get that. For some weird reason Dana thinks I have the coolest mother on this planet, probably because my Mom used to play bass and is more of a loner. It really beats me.

"Do you need the answers to the problems we had to do for math?" Dana handed me a few sheets of paper with her scribbling on them.

I usually copied her math homework during history lesson on Fridays. You could always rely on Dana.

I smiled at her, "Thanks, dudette. You're the best."

During lunch break the both of us sat with the rest of the gang: Alice, Mark (her boyfriend) and Isaac (Dana's older brother).

"So what are you guys doing this weekend?" Alice asked.

"Pretty much just doing the possum dance*," Isaac replied.

"Ditto," the rest of us said. Weekends were for doing the possum dance, everybody knew that.

"British!"** Mark squealed (he's never made a particularly manly impression on me). "So you can check out my new band tonight."

"You are in a band? Since when?" Isaac arched an eyebrow at the other dude.

"Marky's tried out the other day," Alice patted her boyfriend's thigh. "It's plonktacular!"

Dana giggled, "Noone says 'plonktacular' these days, Alice."

"Well, it's the shit anyways,"* Alice stressed.

"I didn't know you played an instrument," I turned to Mark.

"I don't. I sing."

Isaac burst out laughing and earned two killer looks from both Mark and Alice.

"Well, I'd love to," I lied (I heard Mark sing before; if mankind hadn't invented ear plugs before my time it surely would have now**), "but I'm going out with Travis this evening. Sorries."

A wolf whistle went through our little round and everyone grinned like a moron. Not Isaac, he grinned like an über-moron.***

"Grow up, you guys," I sighed.

Then there was a loud clang in the cafeteria. As we turned our heads to find out who had caused it we saw it was Hedwig, one of our exchange students. She came from some European country, always spoke with a weird accent. I've never talked much to her.

"Vhoops," she slowly picked herself up the floor, removing her hands out of the mashed potatoes that had smeared all over her food tray as she had tripped. People around her were sniggering. "I feel goot. No vorries ewrywon." The girl grinned.

"What a loser, that girl," Isaac said to us. "She's in my English class. I hardly understand a word she's saying. Or should I say 'vort'?" He laughed at his own joke.

"Where is she from again?" Dana asked me.

I shrugged.

"Germany or something," Alice informed us. "I think her mother tongue is German or something."

In the meantime Hedwig had seated herself cheerfully on a vacant bench and started to pick out the peas from her mashed potatoes.

"Poor thing," Dana nodded in her direction. "She's been here all school year and still noone wants to have lunch with her."

"Hey, no vorries ewrywon," Isaac mimicked her accent. "Because she feels goot." More laughing at his own joke.

Sometimes I think he should be having lunch all by himself.


When I got home after teaching my little students I heard Patrick talking on the phone in his office. I knocked and entered. He smiled as he saw me coming in and continued his phone conversation.

At first I really liked the idea of him having a recording studio and his office at home so he would always be around for Kyle and me. As time passed I realized that this also meant that it was hard for him to draw a clear line between family time and working time.

"Hey, mane girl," (a nickname he's started using before Kyle was born) he pressed a kiss on my lips after he had hung up and placed the phone back in its charging station. "How was school?"

"An ok day, thanks," I replied. "How was your day, hubby?"

"Can't complain. That was one of the guys from a new band on the phone. They sound really promising."

Patrick's always had the finer ear when it came to music but lately I slowly started to doubt his taste. The last band he had produced a CD with was one of those who use animals sounds in the background.

In case you stopped being up to date in the early beginning of the 21st century, I should probably inform you of the newest development in the music industry. 'Ani-Hop' is a new music style that combines elements of hip-hop and wildlife. In its early stages two or three years ago artists (I wouldn't call them that though) mostly used domestic animals such as cats, dogs and house-trained ferrets. These days musicians (not necessarily my choice of words again) also include samples of sounds produced by elephants, ostriches, gorillas and whatnot.

Kyle keeps telling me I should go with the times but I'm finding it rather difficult to find the musicality in such a kind of noise. If I want to listen to the sounds of a zoo I invite the former members of Fall Out Boy into my house for dinner.

"Patrick, honey, I want to have a short talk with Kyle before she leaves for her date with this Travis boy this evening. I would appreciate it greatly if you played an active role in it too."

He looked at me with wide eyes, the relaxed look on his face had disappeared, "A talk about what exactly? Not about..."

I nodded, "Yes, about sex. I don't trust... anyone with Kylene. You know I don't think she's very responsible, I just want to be on the safe side."

"Can't we just give her a pack of condoms?"

"Patrick!" Can you believe that man? And he calls himself a father? "I don't want to encourage her to have sex, you silly fool."

"Sheena, you know I'm not good with these kinds of talks. I couldn't even bear to be in the same room when you guys discussed this whole menstruation thing." He shuddered slightly.

"5 PM, living room, be there or face the consequences," I replied. You won't wiggle your way out of this one, Stump.


* Roggenheimer's Unabridged Dictionary of the English language (/RUDE/), latest impression from 2027, states the following:
to do the possum dance/ to do the possum polka: [slg.] mainly used by adolescents; to relax, to be lazy

** /RUDE/:
British: 1) referring to people that live in Great Britain and objects that come from Great Britain
2) [slg.] used to express joy or consent; COMPARE: awesome [archaic], rad [arch.] and plonktacular [arch.]

* A timeless expression. However, the 2010's, a decade strongly affected by overly political correctness (and covertly incorrect politics), saw the short-lived usage of the alternative "to be the stool". Since most English native speakers failed to understand what was so grand about a chair-like piece of furniture, people eventually stopped using it.

** Ear plugs in 2027 double as chewing gum. It's quite convenient actually. It only gets a bit disturbing if you chew on a used pair.

*** In 2009 "ü" was added to English keyboards in order to facilitate multicultural communication. Nobody cared for multicultural communication so "ü" was the only foreign letter added. (The French even demanded that "ü" be removed from German keyboards.)
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