FicWad

Willow stared at the pictures. They were what were keeping her going at the moment. Seeing those two little angels staring back at her gave her the strength to do what she needed to do. It was something that she should have done a long time ago. She had started and then had been interrupted. If only the bad hadn't gone down the way that it had last summer.
But this was this summer. A year later and her control had once again gone kerplewy. It always seemed to kerplewy when they needed it the most. This time, Giles has said it was needed to defeat Drusilla. But that didn't mean that she had to turn herself totally over to it. That dark side that just grew and grew until it was bigger then life itself.
The redhead knew the things that Tara had said were true. She, not once in her life, had really ever been in control. She had all these choices surrounding her. But she always seemed to let others make the decision for her. It had started the instant that Xander had defended her back in kindergarten. She had simply followed his lead after that.
Life was full of choices for her now. She could pack it in and not face the things that she had done or she could fight the good fight. Realize that she had taken more then one life. Rack had been one that some would say was not a human. But he was a warlock. He lived on the powers that others had. He got off on it. Just like she had begun to do.
But the real one that was going to haunt her the rest of her life was the fact that she had killed her very own father. It was true that the Ethan Rayne that she had known was more trouble then anything else. He had messed with the scoobies on several occasions. Halloween she had become a ghost because of it. Though, she had gotten a bit more confidence because of it. Then there was the band candy. That had made all the grownups act even worse then they were. Talk about nightmares.
The worse thing that he had down was get involved in with evil Riley. Or could it be him almost helping with Drusilla? That one really topped everything. He had nearly sacrificed his own grandchildren. And for what? What Drusilla had sought to bring to earth went beyond the chaos that he claimed to worship and revere.
It did make one wonder what was going through his mind. Was it the promise of riches? Was it the promise of power? What had driven her father to go to such lengths. Perhaps if she understood him better she could understand herself better. Though your parents do influence you and your behavior, it is up to you to figure out for yourself who you really are.
As Tara pointed out to her, she was affected by outside forces. Not just those that controlled her either. Everything surrounding her affected her in one way or another. It was up to her how she let it affect her. That happened the moment that she had met Tara. It was the first time in her life that she had begun to make her own decisions. Granted, Tara was a large part of that. But she was more independent then she ever had been before in her life.
Perhaps independence isn't everything that it is cracked up to be. Perhaps it would be better to be a part of a team. Perhaps it would be better to be able to consult one another and then to be able to make better choices with better ways of looking at things. A partnership truly did have its advantages.
The two innocent faces looked back up at the fallen witch. She had know ultimate power though it was all evil. She had yet to experience that kind of power that was pure and good. She longed to feel that kind of power. Perhaps then she could stop having the nightmares over and over and over again.
Willow didn't know which ones were worse. There were the ones where by her doing whatever it took to get her children back that she would destroy the people she loved. That had not really happened but it was still crystal clear in her mind from the vision/nightmare that she had had foretelling of it.
There was the one where she did not even think about it. She simply just killed her father. Just a wave of the hand and he ceased to exist anymore. There was no human being that deserved or could handle that kind of power. She was living proof of that. It would forever haunt her, not only the taking of his life, but the ease to which she had done it.
There were nightmares involving her friends. How close she had come to destroying Buffy and Faith. It saddened her to think how easily that friendship was just thrown out the window. Granted, Faith had turned her back on the scoobies a few years ago. But she had more then made amends. It was now her turn to have to try and make up for what she had done.
Even though she loved Tara more then anything, the one nightmare that seemed to haunt her every single night was the one about Xander. She had not seen him in the past five weeks. She knew that he had scars on his face and on his chest from what she had done to him. For that, she would feel the most guilty about.
Nearly choking the life out of the one person that had been there for her since she was five years old was not a feeling that she relished. Yet, when the dark powers had control of her, it was that feeling that had been so darn intoxicating to her. How could taking the life of someone that you loved feel so good to you?
Willow shivered at the thought. They were thoughts that plagued her now night and day. It had been like this ever since she got back to England. Althena and her coven were teaching her the proper ways to deal with her powers. She could sense that many of them were terrified of her. She was the most powerful being that they had ever come in contact with. And of course there was the fact that she had killed someone.
That was not a good way to make friends. 'Hello. My name is Willow Rosenberg. I'm the most powerful witch on the earth. To prove it, I simply waved my hand and killed my father.' They were all so terrified of her. And she could not blame them. If she had been them, she would be terrified of herself as well.
Tears streamed down her face as she looked at those sweet innocent faces. She had missed so much of their growing up now. She felt so guilty that Tara was having to raise them by herself. Of course, the gang was all pitching in when they could. But they were busy rebuilding their lives after the latest apocalypse that she herself was at fault for.
Buffy was still adjusting from coming from the other dimension. What she had said about the witch had come true. It appeared that it was almost like a destiny that she had to go down the dark road. Was there a reason why she had to? Would some day having experienced it help her to do something great? The witch could only hope so.
Xander had proposed to Anya. They were going to get married in the fall. Her best friend had sent her a letter asking that he be her best man. Even after everything that had happened, he still wanted her by his side. That letter had made her feel so guilty and so sad. Because of the things that she had done, she nearly cost Xander his once in a lifetime happiness.
Faith was still pretty much on her own. She seemed to be distancing herself from everyone again. But unlike past times, she would always come to every scooby meeting and if Giles asked her to do something, she would without hesitation. Willow suspected that all the alone time was due to her. The slayer was reflecting on her own bout with evil.
Seemed that Spike was getting a bit restless. It was obvious to anyone that he was in love with Buffy. That was the main reason that he had fought to get his soul back. It was the reason that he was continuing to fight the good fight. But Buffy was seeming to want to keep to her own. Something about her past in the other dimension hitting too close for comfort.
The only one that seemed to be happy as of late was Giles. It was something so unexpected yet everyone just saw it as something natural happening. It seemed that he was now officially dating Mrs. Summers. It seemed that there was something that had happened during the whole band candy episode. Both had tried to bury their feelings, but now they figured that life was too short. They had to grab happiness where they could find it.
Willow covered her ears with her hands. She could hear that sound. That bloody sound of her ripping Xander's skin. It was the most gut wrenching sound that she had ever heard in her life. For her to cause that much pain was just more then she could bear. But she had to. She had to face up to everything that she had done.
There was sweat dripping down her face as she finally opened her eyes and uncovered her ears. It was like she wanted to torture herself over and over again. With good reason too. How many people did what she did and lived. How many people did what she did and didn't get some kind of punishment. For killing her own father, she should be in jail. Probably for the rest of her life all alone.
There was a knock on the door. "Sorry to interrupt your meditation time but you have a phone call. If you feel up to it." The voice was a bit strained. Willow realized it was because of the fear of her.
"Thanks. I'll make up the time, I promise." The redhead made her way over to the phone by her bed. She sat on the edge of the bed as she answered. "Hello?" She was hoping that it was the one person that she wanted and hoped for forgiveness from the most.
"Hey sweetie." Tara's voice was soft and gentle. It still held all of the love that she felt and more. If Willow were to be able to really listen, she would hear the fact that she forgave her everything that had happened. "I'm not exactly sure what time it is there but the twins got me up and I had trouble getting back to sleep. I figured that you could use a break from everything."
"Always nice to be interrupted by you." Willow instantly had a smile on her face. "Thinking of you and the kids are what keep me going. I have so much to deal with. And not just the power issue. I have to learn to deal with what I've done. And to wonder if anyone will every be able to look at me the same."
"They will." Tara's voice was sweet and assured at the same time. "You just have to give everyone time. The wounds are so new yet. And it will take some longer then others to be able to forgive you. Xander holds no grudge whatsoever. In fact, he keeps telling the story of the yellow crayon. How it seemed to be what snapped you out of your spell."
"He keeps telling me that. I mean about the whole forgiveness thing." Willow sighed a bit. "I can't believe that he still wants me to be his best man. After everything that I put him through, I feel so guilty. Of course, I feel guilty just for breathing right now. But still, he's the one that has the scars on the outside of what I did to him. Bet Anya just loves that."
"Actually, Anya is quite proud of him." Tara giggled a bit. "Not that she wasn't before but now she has something to brag about. How her man saved the earth. Not that she can tell many people who don't think she's crazy. But she still goes around telling everyone."
"Yeah. That's Anya for you." There was a slight lull in the conversation. "This feels so weird. And I don't mean us talking on the phone. I mean struggling to find the right words. Afraid that I'll say or do the wrong thing. I seem to be second guessing myself about everything. It took me twenty minutes just to decide what to eat."
"It's going to for a long time." Tara could only emphasize with her girl. There was no way that she could know for sure exactly what Willow was going through. "It's awkward for me as well. Not because of the things that you've done. Not because I'm not sure of what to say to you. It's just that it feels like we are starting from the beginning again. I mean, we never really did do the phone thing now did we."
This brought out a bit of a laugh from Willow. It was the first that she had in what seemed like weeks. It only seemed to happen when she was talking to her everything. "No, we never did. We went from you writing me letters to us meeting on campus. Things kinda happened quickly after that. I think we never really were friends. I think we were always girlfriends."
"I know." Tara's voice was so sweet. "I don't know what made us both go to The University of Michigan, but I do know that I was the one that pursued you. I wanted you in every way. I still do."
"Oh Tara!" That made Willow burst into tears. It had been implied how Tara had felt. But she had yet to say it like that since everything had happened. Partly it was to not pressure Willow. Partly it was because it was difficult to say. "My biggest fear all along has been to lose you. I should know better. You will stand by me no matter what happens. But to hear it..."
"I know." Tara's smile could be heard through the telephone wires. "It goes without saying that we both love one another very much. But it's nice to hear it. It's nice to know that we are both desired and needed. And we always will be. Especially when things happen."
"Like me going all crazy on everyone." Willow's voice got so sad. "I could have killed you all and not blinked twice if you hadn't figured out how to deal with the inner demon. I think everyone thought that it would be you that would get to me. And I think that talk we had before it was just me and Xander did soften me up a bit."
"It was meant to." Tara's voice also had a sad tone to it. "I was trying to put the evil you in her place. Making sure that she knew that she wasn't all that. I knew deep down inside that you knew what I was telling you. It was that veil that was over you that was denying everything. I'm just glad that my theory worked."
"I know." Willow looked at the clock. "I don't want to let you go but it's time for my class with Mrs. Muir. Hers is the most important class I think. She deals with two things. One, how to control the power and how not to let it control you. And two, how to in every day life to keep your cool. Especially not to resort to magicks."
"That sounds good." Tara smiled a bit again and it shown in her voice. "Because you were such a spaz before." Both chuckled a bit at this. "I hate to let you go as well. But I should probably try and get some sleep. The twins will be up and a handful before too long. They are a bit cranky without you here."
"I'm a bit depressed without all my darlings with me." Willow sighed. "But unlike last time, I'm going to finish this control course. And then will come the hardest part of my recovery."
"You'll have to face your friends." Tara knew how hard that would be for her. Or at least she could imagine how hard it was going to be.
"Exactly." Willow looked out the window. She could see her class gathering. "I really haven't had to face them yet. That's still what is driving me insane. I know you'll love me no matter what. And Xander seems pretty cool with everything. But how will the others react? Especially since Buffy already lived dealing with evil me once. And you know how hard it was for her to trust me. Now how am I going to earn everyone's trust once again?" Only time would tell if she could. Fortunately, time was something that Willow had a lot of.