Categories > TV > Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Choices of Life
AN Here's another chapter. Sorry it took so long to get posted. Hope you guys like this. Dealing with emotions is tricky. On with the show. And to my sweet who I love more every day.
Willow concentrated as she pulled a flower from across the globe. She could feel a presence behind her but chose to ignore it and instead keep her focus and control. It was one of the exercises that Mrs. Muir wanted her to do every day. There were also times when she wanted her to restrain from any magick at all. That one was still her most difficult. She could literally feel the magick flowing throughout her entire body.
"That's from Africa, I do believe." The flower slowly went back into the earth that it had come from. "That's quite impressive. Must take a lot of control and energy to be able to do such a thing."
The redhead smiled and looked up at the unexpected visitor. "You already know that, Giles." The witch pulled herself up from the ground and looked her mentor in the eye. "Too bad I couldn't have learned to do it a few months ago. All of this could have been avoided. If only I hadn't rushed things and had learned the control when I had the chance."
"It's not all your fault." Willow raised an eyebrow at the former librarian. "True, you could have come back here after you knew that Buffy and I were safe. But you were needed back in Sunnydale. You are still needed back in Sunnydale. And not just by your wife and your children."
Willow looked away from him at the mention of Tara and her kids. She knew that Tara had forgive her. And would love her forever and for always. What had her ashamed and worried now was what her little ones would think of her when they grew up. When they could finally be able to take in what their mother had done and nearly done. How would she explain it to them? Could she say, 'learn control like your mother didn't so you don't feel guilt every single nanosecond of every day'?
The witch turned her back on her friend. "Giles, why?" He came up and place a hand on her shoulder. "Why was I given this power? You and the other elders say that it is now a part of me. That, in a smaller form, always was. Why would something like that be given to someone like me? One that goes all wonky the second she gets a taste of power. Not once, but over and over and over again."
"We are given all that we can handle." Giles forced the young witch to face him. "Life sometimes takes twists that we could never imagine happening. We have to deal with each one as they come along. I believe that we can handle whatever is thrown at us. Even those that think they are not strong have an inner strength." He fell silent but there was something on his face.
"You know something, don't you?" Giles took off his glasses and began cleaning them. "I know that tactic, Giles. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel your energy and how it wants to release a bit of itself. You know something about me. Is it something I should know? Should I be concentrating harder? Did one of the seers see a relapse for me? Tell me, please!"
Giles smiled sadly at his young charge. There was still so much wonder and power and knowledge about the young woman. Her energies were amazing to him, not including the magickal ones. She was one that wanted to live life to its fullest. And yet, she was the one that had nearly destroyed all of that. Human frailties amazed and scared him at the same time.
"I believe I do know something." Giles took her hand. "But I can't share it with you quite yet. I just know that you will be ready when the time comes. Unfortunately, it might be sooner then we had thought. But for now, just worry about your studies. If you can complete Mrs. Muir's class, you should be ready to face whatever the world has to offer you. The other courses are just icing on the cake."
Willow looked at the watcher. She knew that he could be trusted. But something just didn't seem right to her. Not that she had the best judgement. The past showed that in glaring ways. The only good choices she seemed to make were being with Tara and having the kids. And then she knew that they weren't exactly her choices. Fate played a hand that she was just grateful to be playing. With the exception of all the darkness that she had caused and lived through.
"I'm not worthy of anything good." Willow pulled her hand out of her mentors. "I destroyed lives! Not just by taking them, either. I don't know if Ethan had any family, but it still affects the rest of the universe that I took a life before its time. I must have really traumatized Buffy in the other dimension. She won't even write to me let alone talk to me on the phone. Xander is still too scared to talk to me on the phone yet writes to me that he still wants me to be his best man. Tara is all alone with the kids when I should be there sharing in the responsibilities. I don't deserve whatever good is to come from this."
Giles took a careful step toward her. Not because he was afraid, but because he did not want to frighten her. "You have to understand something. We all have our pasts that we are not proud of. We've all dabbled with the forces of darkness. We've all done things that we wish that we could take back. If I hadn't dabbled in the dark arts when I was a young man, I wouldn't have put you and the others in danger. I nearly am the one that killed Jenny. I won't forgive myself for that. And yet, I know that if I had not gone through those things, I would not be able to be the person that I am. I learned that we have to accept who we are. Whether that means that we are limited in certain ways or that we have to limit what gifts we have. It's called life, my dear. It's not easy to live. It's not easy to figure out. All you have to do is to keep on living it. You've got three very important reasons. Four should you choose to include yourself. I hate to say it, but it might be the biggest reason of all."
Willow looked up at the watcher. She was trying to take in what he had said. Not only about how you can't change life and it throws punches at you that you don't expect, but also the fact that she herself would be the biggest reason. In her mind, she felt that she did not deserve redemption. That she should not even consider the fact that others may forgive her. Or that she would ever be able to forgive herself. The things that she had done...
"Perhaps I'm not the one that you need be talking to." Giles waved his hand. "I thought that you might just need someone to help give you encouragement. And to help you see what I am saying. I feel that they are the only ones that you will really listen to. At least about this subject anyways."
The redhead's eyes lit up. She did not think she would be seeing Tara so soon. She thought that it would be months before either she could go to her or Tara could come to her. And to see her little ones. The pictures were nice, but they did not do it justice. To see them and to feel them was a whole new story. One that she knew that she did not deserve but so desperately wanted. How selfish of her. Perhaps that was part of her problem as well. She was more selfish then she cared to admit.
There were tears in the witch's eyes as she saw the size of her little ones. The little blond haired little girl with her mother's blue eyes looked at her in wonder. It was as if she was looking at a stranger. In a way, she was. The little redhead boy with green eyes smiled instantly at her. It was as if he knew exactly who she was and loved her without question.
Tara didn't say a word. She slowly walked toward her everything. She gently kissed each of the tears away from her everything's cheeks. The blond then put each of the little ones in one of Willow's arms. Mother and children were finally reunited. Willow knew that it was only temporary but it was still the most amazing feeling in the world to have her babies in her arms. She never thought that she could feel more love until she held them in her arms.
"I thought that it might help." Giles took a few steps back from the happy couple. "To have your family around you." He smiled as the foursome embraced one another. "I hate to do this but I must remind you that it is only for three days. I'm bending the rules a bit in allowing you to see each other. But I feel that Willow gets her strength and her inspiration from her family. So enjoy. If you need me, I'll be at the main house. Willow knows the way."
Before either could say anything, he was strides away. Willow looked into those sea blue eyes that had captured her heart so long ago. "This is a bit awkward. I mean, hugging you and kissing you feels so natural. Yet, just being with you feels so weird. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve little rewards for doing what I'm supposed to. What I should have done so that so many people would not have been hurt in the process."
"I didn't think Giles was right." Tara looked at her everything, a sad look upon her face. "I know that Giles is a very wise man and knows a lot of things, but I really thought that he was wrong about this one. I thought I knew you better then this."
"What?" Willow now had a confused look on her face. "What was he right about? And what are you talking about knowing me better? We know each other inside and out. Fatal flaws and all."
Tara shook her head sadly. "No time for jokes." She sighed heavily. "I thought I knew you better. I thought that you were a fighter and a survivor. I didn't think that you would so easily give into self pity. It's not good for you. And before you say it, I know that you want to atone for what you did. That you do feel guilty for what you've done, as you should. But to keep wallowing in it will only keep you at this stage. And that's feeling sorry for yourself. Not dealing with what happened. Not knowing that you will always feel guilty for the things that you did. And that you have learned from your grave errors."
The redhead turned her head away from her everything. She knew that she was right in so many ways. But to face the fact that she took a life, more then one, and then just be able to live her life was not going to be easy. In fact, she didn't know if she could ever do that. The haunting images and the nightmares were a constant reminder. Ones that did not seem to want to go anywhere any time soon.
"I didn't realize I was being selfish as Giles put it." She sighed heavily. "All I know is that every time I close my eyes, I see what I did to my father. If not that, then I see how badly I physically and emotionally hurt Xander. I hear the words that I said to you over and over again. All these images won't leave me alone. All those sounds. I can't shut it off. It just keeps going and going."
Tara watched as Willow carefully collapsed to the ground, their little ones still in her arms. She did not hesitate a second in joining her. "You'll hear and see those things. A lot for the rest of your life. You wouldn't be the good person that I know you to be if you did not. It's a truly evil person that doesn't feel regret or remorse for the things that they have done. But you've got to let yourself put those things in the past. Not to be forgotten. Just to be tucked inside of you close to your heart. That way if things should happen again, your heart will beat and you will know that you have a choice to make. Listen to your heart or ignore it and see the people that you love so much get hurt all over again."
Willow was silent for a few minutes. She just held on tightly to her little ones. She could not look Tara in the eyes. It was just too soon for her to be putting things to the side as one might say. She was holding on to the things that she had done. If she didn't, she believed that she was doomed to repeat them. It couldn't be as easy as Tara said it was. Just to have them just below the surface and then come back to remind her should she do something stupid once again.
"Maybe you're right." Willow still could not look Tara in the eyes. "Maybe some day things will work that way for me. But I don't think so. I think that, for the foreseeable future, I'll be holding on to the things I've done. These two little ones are reason enough for that. I mean, what would I have done to them if I had gotten a hold of them when I was all evil?"
Images started to play in both witches minds. It was nearly too much for both of them to bear. In fact, Tara took both of the little ones away from Willow. It wasn't reacting to the now, it was reacting to the what if. What if Willow strayed. What if Willow reverted back to the evil ways. Would her children ever be safe from harm then?
Willow quickly stood, more tears in her eyes. "I have class. I'll be back in an hour to the main house. Do you know your way?" Tara nodded silently. "I'll see you then. I love you and the kids." Without waiting for a response, the redhead was off like a shot. She just kept running and running. Images were fueling her need for speed.
Suddenly, she ran into something, hard. When she was finally able to look up, it was Giles. He looked down at his charge and smiled sadly. "I take it that things did not go as planned with your family?" When Willow refused to look him in the eye, he had his answer. "It will take time for you two to be able to get back to where you were. A lot of trust issues were broken. But bare in mind that Tara loves you without reservation."
"I'm not so sure about that." Willow sighed heavily and fully laid back on the ground. The sun was just nearing its highest peak. "She took our kids away from me when we both thought about the what if. What if I hadn't changed back? What if I did change now? How would I treat the kids? What would I do to them? Would Tara be able to protect them? I'm thinking she doesn't want to find out the answer to that."
Giles sat down beside his young friend. "I've known you for several years now. I've seen you go through so many changes. You really have come into your own in a lot of ways. This last bit not being one of your finer moments." Willow glared at him as if to say that was supposed to be comforting. The watcher smiled sadly. "The one thing I know about you that you have that the others don't have is a resilience. I watched you as you fought for Oz when you found out he was a werewolf and again when you were conflicted in your feelings. The fact that you are not ashamed of your relationship with Tara and freely show your affection is another strength that you have. When we all thought that Buffy was lost to us, you were the one that came up with a way to bring her back. Granted, it was not in the greatest way. To me, it seems that whatever happens to you, you will fight until you get back to where you want to be. Having your relationship with Tara and the children strained is only going to give you more resolved in facing what you've done and to learn to avoid your past mistakes."
Willow smiled up at the man that seemed to know so much. No matter the situation, he always seemed to know what to say or do. In this case, he was telling her in no uncertain terms to get over herself. Yet at the same time, he was telling her that it would take time to do so. The others would accept her for who she was and always will be. It also was going to take time.
The witch reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a picture. It was already outdated and old and wrinkled she had looked at it so much. She even had the real thing here with her now but the picture was what she could hold on to. In time, she would hold onto everything that was dear to her. Her friends, her family, and hopefully to that person that she once was. Scars and all.
Willow concentrated as she pulled a flower from across the globe. She could feel a presence behind her but chose to ignore it and instead keep her focus and control. It was one of the exercises that Mrs. Muir wanted her to do every day. There were also times when she wanted her to restrain from any magick at all. That one was still her most difficult. She could literally feel the magick flowing throughout her entire body.
"That's from Africa, I do believe." The flower slowly went back into the earth that it had come from. "That's quite impressive. Must take a lot of control and energy to be able to do such a thing."
The redhead smiled and looked up at the unexpected visitor. "You already know that, Giles." The witch pulled herself up from the ground and looked her mentor in the eye. "Too bad I couldn't have learned to do it a few months ago. All of this could have been avoided. If only I hadn't rushed things and had learned the control when I had the chance."
"It's not all your fault." Willow raised an eyebrow at the former librarian. "True, you could have come back here after you knew that Buffy and I were safe. But you were needed back in Sunnydale. You are still needed back in Sunnydale. And not just by your wife and your children."
Willow looked away from him at the mention of Tara and her kids. She knew that Tara had forgive her. And would love her forever and for always. What had her ashamed and worried now was what her little ones would think of her when they grew up. When they could finally be able to take in what their mother had done and nearly done. How would she explain it to them? Could she say, 'learn control like your mother didn't so you don't feel guilt every single nanosecond of every day'?
The witch turned her back on her friend. "Giles, why?" He came up and place a hand on her shoulder. "Why was I given this power? You and the other elders say that it is now a part of me. That, in a smaller form, always was. Why would something like that be given to someone like me? One that goes all wonky the second she gets a taste of power. Not once, but over and over and over again."
"We are given all that we can handle." Giles forced the young witch to face him. "Life sometimes takes twists that we could never imagine happening. We have to deal with each one as they come along. I believe that we can handle whatever is thrown at us. Even those that think they are not strong have an inner strength." He fell silent but there was something on his face.
"You know something, don't you?" Giles took off his glasses and began cleaning them. "I know that tactic, Giles. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel your energy and how it wants to release a bit of itself. You know something about me. Is it something I should know? Should I be concentrating harder? Did one of the seers see a relapse for me? Tell me, please!"
Giles smiled sadly at his young charge. There was still so much wonder and power and knowledge about the young woman. Her energies were amazing to him, not including the magickal ones. She was one that wanted to live life to its fullest. And yet, she was the one that had nearly destroyed all of that. Human frailties amazed and scared him at the same time.
"I believe I do know something." Giles took her hand. "But I can't share it with you quite yet. I just know that you will be ready when the time comes. Unfortunately, it might be sooner then we had thought. But for now, just worry about your studies. If you can complete Mrs. Muir's class, you should be ready to face whatever the world has to offer you. The other courses are just icing on the cake."
Willow looked at the watcher. She knew that he could be trusted. But something just didn't seem right to her. Not that she had the best judgement. The past showed that in glaring ways. The only good choices she seemed to make were being with Tara and having the kids. And then she knew that they weren't exactly her choices. Fate played a hand that she was just grateful to be playing. With the exception of all the darkness that she had caused and lived through.
"I'm not worthy of anything good." Willow pulled her hand out of her mentors. "I destroyed lives! Not just by taking them, either. I don't know if Ethan had any family, but it still affects the rest of the universe that I took a life before its time. I must have really traumatized Buffy in the other dimension. She won't even write to me let alone talk to me on the phone. Xander is still too scared to talk to me on the phone yet writes to me that he still wants me to be his best man. Tara is all alone with the kids when I should be there sharing in the responsibilities. I don't deserve whatever good is to come from this."
Giles took a careful step toward her. Not because he was afraid, but because he did not want to frighten her. "You have to understand something. We all have our pasts that we are not proud of. We've all dabbled with the forces of darkness. We've all done things that we wish that we could take back. If I hadn't dabbled in the dark arts when I was a young man, I wouldn't have put you and the others in danger. I nearly am the one that killed Jenny. I won't forgive myself for that. And yet, I know that if I had not gone through those things, I would not be able to be the person that I am. I learned that we have to accept who we are. Whether that means that we are limited in certain ways or that we have to limit what gifts we have. It's called life, my dear. It's not easy to live. It's not easy to figure out. All you have to do is to keep on living it. You've got three very important reasons. Four should you choose to include yourself. I hate to say it, but it might be the biggest reason of all."
Willow looked up at the watcher. She was trying to take in what he had said. Not only about how you can't change life and it throws punches at you that you don't expect, but also the fact that she herself would be the biggest reason. In her mind, she felt that she did not deserve redemption. That she should not even consider the fact that others may forgive her. Or that she would ever be able to forgive herself. The things that she had done...
"Perhaps I'm not the one that you need be talking to." Giles waved his hand. "I thought that you might just need someone to help give you encouragement. And to help you see what I am saying. I feel that they are the only ones that you will really listen to. At least about this subject anyways."
The redhead's eyes lit up. She did not think she would be seeing Tara so soon. She thought that it would be months before either she could go to her or Tara could come to her. And to see her little ones. The pictures were nice, but they did not do it justice. To see them and to feel them was a whole new story. One that she knew that she did not deserve but so desperately wanted. How selfish of her. Perhaps that was part of her problem as well. She was more selfish then she cared to admit.
There were tears in the witch's eyes as she saw the size of her little ones. The little blond haired little girl with her mother's blue eyes looked at her in wonder. It was as if she was looking at a stranger. In a way, she was. The little redhead boy with green eyes smiled instantly at her. It was as if he knew exactly who she was and loved her without question.
Tara didn't say a word. She slowly walked toward her everything. She gently kissed each of the tears away from her everything's cheeks. The blond then put each of the little ones in one of Willow's arms. Mother and children were finally reunited. Willow knew that it was only temporary but it was still the most amazing feeling in the world to have her babies in her arms. She never thought that she could feel more love until she held them in her arms.
"I thought that it might help." Giles took a few steps back from the happy couple. "To have your family around you." He smiled as the foursome embraced one another. "I hate to do this but I must remind you that it is only for three days. I'm bending the rules a bit in allowing you to see each other. But I feel that Willow gets her strength and her inspiration from her family. So enjoy. If you need me, I'll be at the main house. Willow knows the way."
Before either could say anything, he was strides away. Willow looked into those sea blue eyes that had captured her heart so long ago. "This is a bit awkward. I mean, hugging you and kissing you feels so natural. Yet, just being with you feels so weird. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve little rewards for doing what I'm supposed to. What I should have done so that so many people would not have been hurt in the process."
"I didn't think Giles was right." Tara looked at her everything, a sad look upon her face. "I know that Giles is a very wise man and knows a lot of things, but I really thought that he was wrong about this one. I thought I knew you better then this."
"What?" Willow now had a confused look on her face. "What was he right about? And what are you talking about knowing me better? We know each other inside and out. Fatal flaws and all."
Tara shook her head sadly. "No time for jokes." She sighed heavily. "I thought I knew you better. I thought that you were a fighter and a survivor. I didn't think that you would so easily give into self pity. It's not good for you. And before you say it, I know that you want to atone for what you did. That you do feel guilty for what you've done, as you should. But to keep wallowing in it will only keep you at this stage. And that's feeling sorry for yourself. Not dealing with what happened. Not knowing that you will always feel guilty for the things that you did. And that you have learned from your grave errors."
The redhead turned her head away from her everything. She knew that she was right in so many ways. But to face the fact that she took a life, more then one, and then just be able to live her life was not going to be easy. In fact, she didn't know if she could ever do that. The haunting images and the nightmares were a constant reminder. Ones that did not seem to want to go anywhere any time soon.
"I didn't realize I was being selfish as Giles put it." She sighed heavily. "All I know is that every time I close my eyes, I see what I did to my father. If not that, then I see how badly I physically and emotionally hurt Xander. I hear the words that I said to you over and over again. All these images won't leave me alone. All those sounds. I can't shut it off. It just keeps going and going."
Tara watched as Willow carefully collapsed to the ground, their little ones still in her arms. She did not hesitate a second in joining her. "You'll hear and see those things. A lot for the rest of your life. You wouldn't be the good person that I know you to be if you did not. It's a truly evil person that doesn't feel regret or remorse for the things that they have done. But you've got to let yourself put those things in the past. Not to be forgotten. Just to be tucked inside of you close to your heart. That way if things should happen again, your heart will beat and you will know that you have a choice to make. Listen to your heart or ignore it and see the people that you love so much get hurt all over again."
Willow was silent for a few minutes. She just held on tightly to her little ones. She could not look Tara in the eyes. It was just too soon for her to be putting things to the side as one might say. She was holding on to the things that she had done. If she didn't, she believed that she was doomed to repeat them. It couldn't be as easy as Tara said it was. Just to have them just below the surface and then come back to remind her should she do something stupid once again.
"Maybe you're right." Willow still could not look Tara in the eyes. "Maybe some day things will work that way for me. But I don't think so. I think that, for the foreseeable future, I'll be holding on to the things I've done. These two little ones are reason enough for that. I mean, what would I have done to them if I had gotten a hold of them when I was all evil?"
Images started to play in both witches minds. It was nearly too much for both of them to bear. In fact, Tara took both of the little ones away from Willow. It wasn't reacting to the now, it was reacting to the what if. What if Willow strayed. What if Willow reverted back to the evil ways. Would her children ever be safe from harm then?
Willow quickly stood, more tears in her eyes. "I have class. I'll be back in an hour to the main house. Do you know your way?" Tara nodded silently. "I'll see you then. I love you and the kids." Without waiting for a response, the redhead was off like a shot. She just kept running and running. Images were fueling her need for speed.
Suddenly, she ran into something, hard. When she was finally able to look up, it was Giles. He looked down at his charge and smiled sadly. "I take it that things did not go as planned with your family?" When Willow refused to look him in the eye, he had his answer. "It will take time for you two to be able to get back to where you were. A lot of trust issues were broken. But bare in mind that Tara loves you without reservation."
"I'm not so sure about that." Willow sighed heavily and fully laid back on the ground. The sun was just nearing its highest peak. "She took our kids away from me when we both thought about the what if. What if I hadn't changed back? What if I did change now? How would I treat the kids? What would I do to them? Would Tara be able to protect them? I'm thinking she doesn't want to find out the answer to that."
Giles sat down beside his young friend. "I've known you for several years now. I've seen you go through so many changes. You really have come into your own in a lot of ways. This last bit not being one of your finer moments." Willow glared at him as if to say that was supposed to be comforting. The watcher smiled sadly. "The one thing I know about you that you have that the others don't have is a resilience. I watched you as you fought for Oz when you found out he was a werewolf and again when you were conflicted in your feelings. The fact that you are not ashamed of your relationship with Tara and freely show your affection is another strength that you have. When we all thought that Buffy was lost to us, you were the one that came up with a way to bring her back. Granted, it was not in the greatest way. To me, it seems that whatever happens to you, you will fight until you get back to where you want to be. Having your relationship with Tara and the children strained is only going to give you more resolved in facing what you've done and to learn to avoid your past mistakes."
Willow smiled up at the man that seemed to know so much. No matter the situation, he always seemed to know what to say or do. In this case, he was telling her in no uncertain terms to get over herself. Yet at the same time, he was telling her that it would take time to do so. The others would accept her for who she was and always will be. It also was going to take time.
The witch reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a picture. It was already outdated and old and wrinkled she had looked at it so much. She even had the real thing here with her now but the picture was what she could hold on to. In time, she would hold onto everything that was dear to her. Her friends, her family, and hopefully to that person that she once was. Scars and all.
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