Categories > TV > Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Choices of Life
AN Sorry it took so long to update. Usual excuses. Books, jobs, life. Oh yeah. And spending time with my girl. Love you my sweet!
Xander sat staring at a picture that was taken back when Buffy had first moved to Sunnydale. It was of him, Willow, and Buffy. They had been so close back then. They had seemed to find an instant rapport with one another. There had been the fighting of the evil and losing a common friend.
But there was more to it then that, especially when it came to Willow. The two of them had gone through so much back in grade school. Middle school was not much better. They had always been the outcasts and the favorite targets of Cordelia Chase. It was not until they had become friends with Buffy that things had changed.
They had still been outcasts. But they had become something that people did not know about. They were like these super heroes, with Buffy being the muscles, Willow being the brains, and him being the one that always needed saving. Well, not always. But there had been a few memorable times.
He longed for those days. Usually once one grew up, they wished never to have to think about going back to high school. For most people, it was the last place that they ever wanted to have to go. But for him, it was the greatest time of his life. Once college had come along, he had been pushed aside. He was not 'college guy'. He was just plain 'civilian guy'.
It had taken them having to fight in unity for them to realize that they had been distancing themselves from one another. And now, it seemed like that was the case. It seemed that the reason to him that Willow had gone done the dark path was because they had again not been as close as they had once been.
True, she had Tara. And it was good that they had one another. A love like theirs comes but once in a lifetime. They had to fight through their fair share of things. But Willow and he had been best friends forever. Without the other in their lives, they weren't complete. They weren't as strong as they could be.
The carpenter stared at the picture. He remembered the day that the picture was taken. They were having a picnic out in the quad that day. Just after it was taken, Principal Snyder had come along and told them that they had been up to no good and that he knew they were planning something. He would get to the bottom of it. He had always been paranoid. Of the wrong people.
Xander stood up and made his way over to the telephone. He knew Willow's number in England by heart. He had picked up the phone so many times and dialed. But after the first ring, he had hung up. It was not because he was afraid to talk to his best friend. It was because he didn't want to face the fact that he was to blame for everything that had happened.
His hand sat on the receiver for what seemed like forever. He just could not seem to get himself to pick it up. All he wanted was to hear his friends voice. Giles had said that seeing anyone might do her more harm then good. Even then, he had allowed Tara and the kids to go. But it might be the hardest thing to face himself. After all, she had truly tried to kill him.
With that thought, he pulled his hand back to his side. Again, it was not because he was afraid of Willow. He knew that his best friend could come back from this. All the times that they had had discussions on how to handle her, he had been the one voice that had said that they try to help her through this, that she could be redeemed.
The others had nearly laughed at him. All but Tara, that is. Willow's wife had never lost faith in her. She had known that there would be some way that they could get her back from the dark side. It would just take a bit to get her back. That took real love and real faith for someone to believe that strongly in someone else.
What Xander was afraid of was that he would be a reminder of what she had nearly done. What would that do to her recovery to keep reliving that moment over an over again? It played out in his head nearly every day. But he could see that it was not his Willow that was doing those thing. He knew that it was this dark creature that merely inhabited his best friend's body.
Instead of picking up the phone, Xander thought of something else he might do for his best friend. It would beat the letters that he so clearly was lousy at writing. It was one way that Willow could see that he was not afraid of her and that he forgave her. Hopefully she would appreciate it. Hopefully she would be able to reach out to him. For that was the way that he thought it should be. It should be her making the first move. Only so that he knew that she was truly ready to be hopefully forgiven.
Buffy paced back and forth. She had been pulled from one nightmare into another one. She had tried to think that she had come to a place that was for the better. But then, Willow once again went all wonky on her. At least in this dimension Willow had somehow been defeated. What got the slayer was if it was going to last.
The things that she had seen the other evil Willow do still was fresh in her mind. The Willow in this time had been mild compared to her. What had been the difference? Why had Willow been totally evil in one dimension and only partially evil in another? There just had to be a reason for it.
Then it dawned on the slayer. It was really simple. It was something that the Willow she had known had never really had. True, her Willow had seemed to have been happy with Oz. But then something happened between her and the Tara she knew. But the Willow she knew had chosen for the longest of times to stay with Oz. It was not until he had been killed by that poacher that she had finally given into her feelings for Tara.
By that time, it was too late. Drusilla had started up and Willow had turned evil. She had turned so evil that she had destroyed, not only the insane vampire, but all the vampires that had been helping her. She had destroyed, not only Ethan, but also Giles. It was all in the thought of her mind that she had done these things.
Tara had tried to stop her. They all had. But there just was not that bond there. Perhaps if Willow and Tara had been closer in her dimension then perhaps Willow would not have gone to extremes. Perhaps there could have been a way to save her as well. But that had not been how things had happened. In her time, there had been an out of control witch that no one could stop. Not even the great Buffy slayer.
Buffy took a swing at the nearest tree. Her hand hurt and her knuckles were bloody from scraping along the bark. In a way, it felt good. In her time, she had learned to turn off her feelings. All of her feelings whether they be emotional or physical. To feel anything was something big for her.
Feeling conflicted like she was, in a way, was a good thing. It meant that in this place, things were not black and white. You were not just good or evil. Things were not always what they seemed. Life was much more of a mystery in this world then her last. In her last, it was kill or be killed. It was really that simple.
But here, there were choices. One could think of the infinite possibilities and make whatever choice they made. It was not necessarily right or wrong. It was just one being left to their own to make mistakes to learn from. Some mistakes were bigger then others. The slayer also realized that no one was perfect.
In that very moment, Buffy smiled. It was the first time she had really smiled since being brought to this dimension. It felt good to smile. It saddened her a bit. Because the reason that she was smiling was because she knew in this dimension she still had her best friend. She was not going to have to fight her anymore. She and Willow could be buds once again.
Willow walked the big grounds. It was late at night and she was using a little spell that Tara had long ago taught her. She had tweaked it a bit so that it the light shined a big more. It was her way of practicing control and yet remembering the good things of her past. Just remembering those sessions that she and Tara had had brought a miles to her face.
The stars were out in abundance. There was not a great need for the light but it gave her comfort. The moon was only a sliver of itself. But it still had this shine about it. Willow knew what that meant. The moon really did have powers. It was preached a long ago by wiccans that the moon held great powers. There were those that scoffed. But the witch could feel the energy of the moon as the rays hit her.
It was the last day of Tara's visit. Since Tara had taken the children out of her arms like she had, the two had strained conversations. Willow could not blame Tara for what she had done. But it still had hurt a great deal. Tara knew that she had hurt her everything. But there was nothing she could do about that. Her babies would forever come first.
The redhead sat down against the tree that was being hers. She was there so often that others just knew where to find her. Tonight, she needed it to lean on to think. There were not many nights when she slept well yet. There were too many nightmares that she kept reliving over and over again. But tonight, Tara's reaction was what was keeping her up.
Giles' words were also keeping her up. She knew that she had to think about the things that she had done. Not just to think about them, but to really face them. It was one thing to let the nightmares punish her over and over again. It was another thing for her to actually think about what she had done and what the consequences would be.
The greatest sin in her mind was the taking of Ethan's life. She would feel eternally guilty for all the harm that she had cause, especially to Xander. But she had taken a life. Not just any life, either. It was her own flesh and bloods that she had taken. She was leaving her children without their blood grandfather. Granted, he had not always walked on the straight and narrow, but still. He was their grandfather and her father.
She watched in her mind as she had tortured him to death. In her way, it was torture. Having him die and in great pain had been the goal behind it. It was like watching someone else do the things that she herself had done. It terrified her that it really was her that had done such things. Would she ever again?
Willow shook her head. Tonight was about facing up to the things that she had done. It was the first and biggest step that she could make. So, she stood up and stared up into the star filled night sky. She took in a deep breath and shouted as loudly as she could. "I, Willow Rosenberg, killed my own father."
The words seemed to echo throughout the night. Perhaps it was all in her mind, but it seemed reverberate throughout the entire country of England and made its way across the ocean to speak of her sins in America. It was good if it had. If she could not confess, then there was no point in all of the classes she was taking. Burying things was not going to make them go away.
"I, Willow Rosenberg, nearly killed my best friend." There were tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "I nearly flayed him alive. I nearly killed my wife! I nearly took my own children down the path of darkness. I wanted to kill my best friend, the slayer. And would have if I'd really gotten the chance. I took lives! I am a killer! There is a killer inside of me! I don't ever want it to get out again!"
With that, Willow collapsed to the ground. It was true what both Tara and Giles had said. Even though she felt guilty for what she had done and had nightmares about them, it was not the same as really admitting what she had done. She was not the innocent little girl that Giles had met in the library that day so long ago.
She was not that happy go lucky innocent young woman that Tara had met and fallen in love with. It was true that those were a part of her and always would be. But what little innocence that she had had after all her years of fighting evil were now gone forever. There was no getting that back once you lost it.
Willow cried for hours there underneath that willow tree. She cried until the sun was peaking over the edge of the horizon. She knew that it was very likely that she would never again be able to feel truly comfortable with herself. Knowing that she had caused so much pain was not going to be something that she could easily live with.
But there were more important things then that. After all, she had three beautiful reasons to get her life back on track. As Giles had said, she herself was reason enough. She was worth a second chance. Therefore, she would work harder then she ever had to become the person that she was supposed to be.
Just then, she heard a familiar voice. Giles was calling to her. She quickly wiped away her tears and composed herself. She jumped up and ran toward her mentor. He seemed excited. Something must be very wrong. Finally, she was standing before the watcher. "What is it Giles? Has something happened?"
"I'm afraid so." He put his arm around her shoulder and began guiding her toward the house. "What I knew was going to happen has happened. You and Tara are desperately needed back in Sunnydale. And before you argue that you aren't ready, you are. I've discussed it with Mrs. Muir. You've passed her class, my dear. She told me that you had the first day that you showed up. She was just glad that you decided to keep up with your exercises."
"OK." Willow looked up at Giles. "So, what exactly is the situation? Is there this new baddie that we are going to have to fight? And why is it that it has to be me and Tara that has to go back to Sunnydale?"
Giles paused for a moment. "It seems that The First has decided to let Its presence be known. I don't know if you remember, but The First is evil itself. It's what created evil. Through the years, there has always been a balance between good and evil. It seems that The First could not care less about that balance."
"Giles, quit stalling." They had made it back to the main house. Tara was standing on the porch with her bags and the babies. Willow noticed that her own bags were among them. "Just tell me what is going on. Please."
"Yes." Giles stood Willow next to Tara. "The First has unleashed what one might call an ubervamp. At least, that is what Buffy and the others have taken to calling it. It is unlike other vampires. It is merely predatory. It is nothing more then an animal but oh so difficult to kill. Also, The First is attacking the slayer line. There have been reports of potential slayers being assassinated. There was one that I was supposed to take back to Sunnydale. But Kennedy lost her life trying to save her watcher." Giles swallowed hard. "I'm not exactly sure how or when you two will be needed but Buffy and Faith will not be enough to defeat the first. Now, you two go ahead. I'll catch the next flight."
Willow and Tara stared at each other for a moment. It was Tara that ran the few feet between them and took her everything into her arms. It was the two of them holding on for dear life. It was the two of them knowing that there was a chance that either of them might not make it in this ultimate battle. Especially with Willow still fighting her own inner demons.
Xander sat staring at a picture that was taken back when Buffy had first moved to Sunnydale. It was of him, Willow, and Buffy. They had been so close back then. They had seemed to find an instant rapport with one another. There had been the fighting of the evil and losing a common friend.
But there was more to it then that, especially when it came to Willow. The two of them had gone through so much back in grade school. Middle school was not much better. They had always been the outcasts and the favorite targets of Cordelia Chase. It was not until they had become friends with Buffy that things had changed.
They had still been outcasts. But they had become something that people did not know about. They were like these super heroes, with Buffy being the muscles, Willow being the brains, and him being the one that always needed saving. Well, not always. But there had been a few memorable times.
He longed for those days. Usually once one grew up, they wished never to have to think about going back to high school. For most people, it was the last place that they ever wanted to have to go. But for him, it was the greatest time of his life. Once college had come along, he had been pushed aside. He was not 'college guy'. He was just plain 'civilian guy'.
It had taken them having to fight in unity for them to realize that they had been distancing themselves from one another. And now, it seemed like that was the case. It seemed that the reason to him that Willow had gone done the dark path was because they had again not been as close as they had once been.
True, she had Tara. And it was good that they had one another. A love like theirs comes but once in a lifetime. They had to fight through their fair share of things. But Willow and he had been best friends forever. Without the other in their lives, they weren't complete. They weren't as strong as they could be.
The carpenter stared at the picture. He remembered the day that the picture was taken. They were having a picnic out in the quad that day. Just after it was taken, Principal Snyder had come along and told them that they had been up to no good and that he knew they were planning something. He would get to the bottom of it. He had always been paranoid. Of the wrong people.
Xander stood up and made his way over to the telephone. He knew Willow's number in England by heart. He had picked up the phone so many times and dialed. But after the first ring, he had hung up. It was not because he was afraid to talk to his best friend. It was because he didn't want to face the fact that he was to blame for everything that had happened.
His hand sat on the receiver for what seemed like forever. He just could not seem to get himself to pick it up. All he wanted was to hear his friends voice. Giles had said that seeing anyone might do her more harm then good. Even then, he had allowed Tara and the kids to go. But it might be the hardest thing to face himself. After all, she had truly tried to kill him.
With that thought, he pulled his hand back to his side. Again, it was not because he was afraid of Willow. He knew that his best friend could come back from this. All the times that they had had discussions on how to handle her, he had been the one voice that had said that they try to help her through this, that she could be redeemed.
The others had nearly laughed at him. All but Tara, that is. Willow's wife had never lost faith in her. She had known that there would be some way that they could get her back from the dark side. It would just take a bit to get her back. That took real love and real faith for someone to believe that strongly in someone else.
What Xander was afraid of was that he would be a reminder of what she had nearly done. What would that do to her recovery to keep reliving that moment over an over again? It played out in his head nearly every day. But he could see that it was not his Willow that was doing those thing. He knew that it was this dark creature that merely inhabited his best friend's body.
Instead of picking up the phone, Xander thought of something else he might do for his best friend. It would beat the letters that he so clearly was lousy at writing. It was one way that Willow could see that he was not afraid of her and that he forgave her. Hopefully she would appreciate it. Hopefully she would be able to reach out to him. For that was the way that he thought it should be. It should be her making the first move. Only so that he knew that she was truly ready to be hopefully forgiven.
Buffy paced back and forth. She had been pulled from one nightmare into another one. She had tried to think that she had come to a place that was for the better. But then, Willow once again went all wonky on her. At least in this dimension Willow had somehow been defeated. What got the slayer was if it was going to last.
The things that she had seen the other evil Willow do still was fresh in her mind. The Willow in this time had been mild compared to her. What had been the difference? Why had Willow been totally evil in one dimension and only partially evil in another? There just had to be a reason for it.
Then it dawned on the slayer. It was really simple. It was something that the Willow she had known had never really had. True, her Willow had seemed to have been happy with Oz. But then something happened between her and the Tara she knew. But the Willow she knew had chosen for the longest of times to stay with Oz. It was not until he had been killed by that poacher that she had finally given into her feelings for Tara.
By that time, it was too late. Drusilla had started up and Willow had turned evil. She had turned so evil that she had destroyed, not only the insane vampire, but all the vampires that had been helping her. She had destroyed, not only Ethan, but also Giles. It was all in the thought of her mind that she had done these things.
Tara had tried to stop her. They all had. But there just was not that bond there. Perhaps if Willow and Tara had been closer in her dimension then perhaps Willow would not have gone to extremes. Perhaps there could have been a way to save her as well. But that had not been how things had happened. In her time, there had been an out of control witch that no one could stop. Not even the great Buffy slayer.
Buffy took a swing at the nearest tree. Her hand hurt and her knuckles were bloody from scraping along the bark. In a way, it felt good. In her time, she had learned to turn off her feelings. All of her feelings whether they be emotional or physical. To feel anything was something big for her.
Feeling conflicted like she was, in a way, was a good thing. It meant that in this place, things were not black and white. You were not just good or evil. Things were not always what they seemed. Life was much more of a mystery in this world then her last. In her last, it was kill or be killed. It was really that simple.
But here, there were choices. One could think of the infinite possibilities and make whatever choice they made. It was not necessarily right or wrong. It was just one being left to their own to make mistakes to learn from. Some mistakes were bigger then others. The slayer also realized that no one was perfect.
In that very moment, Buffy smiled. It was the first time she had really smiled since being brought to this dimension. It felt good to smile. It saddened her a bit. Because the reason that she was smiling was because she knew in this dimension she still had her best friend. She was not going to have to fight her anymore. She and Willow could be buds once again.
Willow walked the big grounds. It was late at night and she was using a little spell that Tara had long ago taught her. She had tweaked it a bit so that it the light shined a big more. It was her way of practicing control and yet remembering the good things of her past. Just remembering those sessions that she and Tara had had brought a miles to her face.
The stars were out in abundance. There was not a great need for the light but it gave her comfort. The moon was only a sliver of itself. But it still had this shine about it. Willow knew what that meant. The moon really did have powers. It was preached a long ago by wiccans that the moon held great powers. There were those that scoffed. But the witch could feel the energy of the moon as the rays hit her.
It was the last day of Tara's visit. Since Tara had taken the children out of her arms like she had, the two had strained conversations. Willow could not blame Tara for what she had done. But it still had hurt a great deal. Tara knew that she had hurt her everything. But there was nothing she could do about that. Her babies would forever come first.
The redhead sat down against the tree that was being hers. She was there so often that others just knew where to find her. Tonight, she needed it to lean on to think. There were not many nights when she slept well yet. There were too many nightmares that she kept reliving over and over again. But tonight, Tara's reaction was what was keeping her up.
Giles' words were also keeping her up. She knew that she had to think about the things that she had done. Not just to think about them, but to really face them. It was one thing to let the nightmares punish her over and over again. It was another thing for her to actually think about what she had done and what the consequences would be.
The greatest sin in her mind was the taking of Ethan's life. She would feel eternally guilty for all the harm that she had cause, especially to Xander. But she had taken a life. Not just any life, either. It was her own flesh and bloods that she had taken. She was leaving her children without their blood grandfather. Granted, he had not always walked on the straight and narrow, but still. He was their grandfather and her father.
She watched in her mind as she had tortured him to death. In her way, it was torture. Having him die and in great pain had been the goal behind it. It was like watching someone else do the things that she herself had done. It terrified her that it really was her that had done such things. Would she ever again?
Willow shook her head. Tonight was about facing up to the things that she had done. It was the first and biggest step that she could make. So, she stood up and stared up into the star filled night sky. She took in a deep breath and shouted as loudly as she could. "I, Willow Rosenberg, killed my own father."
The words seemed to echo throughout the night. Perhaps it was all in her mind, but it seemed reverberate throughout the entire country of England and made its way across the ocean to speak of her sins in America. It was good if it had. If she could not confess, then there was no point in all of the classes she was taking. Burying things was not going to make them go away.
"I, Willow Rosenberg, nearly killed my best friend." There were tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "I nearly flayed him alive. I nearly killed my wife! I nearly took my own children down the path of darkness. I wanted to kill my best friend, the slayer. And would have if I'd really gotten the chance. I took lives! I am a killer! There is a killer inside of me! I don't ever want it to get out again!"
With that, Willow collapsed to the ground. It was true what both Tara and Giles had said. Even though she felt guilty for what she had done and had nightmares about them, it was not the same as really admitting what she had done. She was not the innocent little girl that Giles had met in the library that day so long ago.
She was not that happy go lucky innocent young woman that Tara had met and fallen in love with. It was true that those were a part of her and always would be. But what little innocence that she had had after all her years of fighting evil were now gone forever. There was no getting that back once you lost it.
Willow cried for hours there underneath that willow tree. She cried until the sun was peaking over the edge of the horizon. She knew that it was very likely that she would never again be able to feel truly comfortable with herself. Knowing that she had caused so much pain was not going to be something that she could easily live with.
But there were more important things then that. After all, she had three beautiful reasons to get her life back on track. As Giles had said, she herself was reason enough. She was worth a second chance. Therefore, she would work harder then she ever had to become the person that she was supposed to be.
Just then, she heard a familiar voice. Giles was calling to her. She quickly wiped away her tears and composed herself. She jumped up and ran toward her mentor. He seemed excited. Something must be very wrong. Finally, she was standing before the watcher. "What is it Giles? Has something happened?"
"I'm afraid so." He put his arm around her shoulder and began guiding her toward the house. "What I knew was going to happen has happened. You and Tara are desperately needed back in Sunnydale. And before you argue that you aren't ready, you are. I've discussed it with Mrs. Muir. You've passed her class, my dear. She told me that you had the first day that you showed up. She was just glad that you decided to keep up with your exercises."
"OK." Willow looked up at Giles. "So, what exactly is the situation? Is there this new baddie that we are going to have to fight? And why is it that it has to be me and Tara that has to go back to Sunnydale?"
Giles paused for a moment. "It seems that The First has decided to let Its presence be known. I don't know if you remember, but The First is evil itself. It's what created evil. Through the years, there has always been a balance between good and evil. It seems that The First could not care less about that balance."
"Giles, quit stalling." They had made it back to the main house. Tara was standing on the porch with her bags and the babies. Willow noticed that her own bags were among them. "Just tell me what is going on. Please."
"Yes." Giles stood Willow next to Tara. "The First has unleashed what one might call an ubervamp. At least, that is what Buffy and the others have taken to calling it. It is unlike other vampires. It is merely predatory. It is nothing more then an animal but oh so difficult to kill. Also, The First is attacking the slayer line. There have been reports of potential slayers being assassinated. There was one that I was supposed to take back to Sunnydale. But Kennedy lost her life trying to save her watcher." Giles swallowed hard. "I'm not exactly sure how or when you two will be needed but Buffy and Faith will not be enough to defeat the first. Now, you two go ahead. I'll catch the next flight."
Willow and Tara stared at each other for a moment. It was Tara that ran the few feet between them and took her everything into her arms. It was the two of them holding on for dear life. It was the two of them knowing that there was a chance that either of them might not make it in this ultimate battle. Especially with Willow still fighting her own inner demons.
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