FicWad

Tuesday March 13, 1985
... ... ...

"Hey wake up!" A large hand found its way to her shoulder and she shrugged it off.

"Not now, daddy!" She muttered sleepily and rolled back under the covers. It was a lot colder in her room than she remembered it being when she had gone to sleep. She wrapped them tighter around her body and snuggled into her pillow.

A loud scoff was heard. "If you ever sound that gay in my body again, I will not hesitate to punch my face." What the fuck?

She rolled over and looked at the direction that the annoyed voice was coming from. For some very strange reason, Andrew Clark was sitting on her bed. She squeaked and drew the covers closer to her body.

"Andy, get out! I only have a night gown on!" She squeezed her eyes shut and willed him away. "What are you doing in my room anyways?"

She felt the large hand on her again and she shivered. "Normally I would get a kick out of that, but not today. I need to know who you are...who are you?"

Now she was really confused. She lifted her hand to rake it through her hair when she realized that her hair just wasn't quite right. In fact, she was a lot heavier and bigger than she normally was. She had nightmares about getting extremely fat overnight and she was hoping it didn't come true!

"What the hell is going on?!" She exclaimed.

Andrew threw his hand over her mouth and gave her a frightened look. "First of all, if you are going to be staying here, you will NOT yell like that at six a.m.! You will get your damn teeth knocked out!" She narrowed her eyes and looked around the room.

"This is John's room..." She muttered. "What the hell am I doing here?"

Andrew pursed his lips together. "Okay, well now I at least now that you're Claire."

She bit her lip, which is way too chapped for her liking or tolerance. "Of course I am Claire! Why would you think otherwise, Andrew? What is going on here?"

Andrew looked to be growing increasingly frustrated. "Look, I am not jock-strap! And you stole my body, so I should be asking you the same question!"

Claire sprung from the ratty mattress and ran across the room to John's dresser, where an old mirror was screwed into the wall. When she stared into it, her eyes were not looking back at her. Instead, the large, dark eyes of her boyfriend stared helplessly. She had no idea what was going on.

"Wow, my ass really is nice. I've never really had the chance to see it from this vantage point." She looked at Andrew - or John, rather - as he had a finger perched on his chin and his eyes drifted down her - rather, his - body. "God, the frontal view is even better! They should make a statue of me!"

Claire looked down and noticed that she was completely ass naked. Her face burned and she ran for the covers of the bed. She could not believe she had just seen his naked body like that! She dove for cover and hid her head under the pillows. "You just had to sleep naked, didn't you?" She screamed at him.

He laughed at her. "Oh come on! I'm sure it wasn't that traumatizing! It's a work of art!"

"Shut up!" She yelled at him from under the pillow. She couldn't believe that he was so calm about this! "I am officially never taking my clothes off again! You will shower fully clothed from now on!"

He pulled the blankets down so that he could see her face. "I do have to shit, you know. Not only will you have to see my pecker then, but you will have to wipe my ass too!"

"Oh my god!" She groaned, smacking him in the arm. "Do you know how completely gross that is?"

He laughed. "Of course not! We all poop, you know, even princesses."

She growled. "How did you get in here anyways? Did anyone see you?" She tucked 'her' hair behind 'her' ear and settled back into the bed. He looked like he was in a joking mood on the surface, but his eyes spoke otherwise.

"You kiddin' me? I've lived in this place my whole life. I can get in and out of here without anyone hearin' just fine."

"Are we going to tell your family that I am living with them? What are we going to do? How did this happen?" She took a deep breath and bit her lip.

He perked an eyebrow at her. "No, you ain't going to tell no one here that you are me. Trust me, that's the last thing that you need. I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do, and I don't know why I look like an asshole all of a sudden. We're gonna have to ask Jeeves or something."

"Why don't you want to tell anyone? Maybe they can help?" She asked hopefully. Truthfully, her hope was waning by the second. She was beginning to realize that she was indeed awake, and that it wasn't a dream.

He glared at her. "You think my family wants to help you? They don't wanna even help me!"

"I'm sorry, it's just...this is just too much to handle." She replied sadly. She sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes and watched him expectantly. "I just don't know what to say."

He nodded his head. "Well, you just keep your nose outta everyone's business around here and you'll be fine. Stay away from the old man and don't talk to my mom." He rubbed his hands across his face and sighed. "And don't talk to James either."

"Your brother? Why?" She asked. She knew that the two boys were close and she knew that if anyone would get him out of a jam it would be his brother.

John rolled his eyes. "If someone could smell something off, it would be him. He can smell a rat a mile away. Just stay away from him, okay?"

"But maybe he can help..." She suggested, hopeful once more.

"Claire, he hates you. If he found out it was you - and not me - he would treat you like an intruder and chase your ass outta here so fast you would shit yourself. Just stay away from everyone around here, and don't ask anymore questions!" She could tell that he was getting annoyed now. She nodded her head and shut up. It was all so much to take in.

"Now, we gotta find out who is at your house. I'm not too sure how many people are all switched up...but all I do know is that you are here, and I was at asshole's house getting woken up by his shithead old man at 5:30 in the fuckin' morning!" He took a deep breath and pulled off the heavy lettermen's jacket and set it on the floor. "We know that Sporto is somewhere else too, and I gotta find him. So you need to get dressed so we can make some phone calls."

She nodded her head and wrapped a sheet around her torso. "Where are your clean clothes?" He pointed to a laundry basket next to his dresser. She nodded and grabbed a few shirts. "Where is your bathroom?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know, I've seen all that before. You can change in here."

She blushed, which she thought would probably look a bit silly on his face. "Well I do have to go to the bathroom and clean up." He rolled his eyes at her.

"Fine, but no homo bows in my hair. Turn right in the hallway and it's the next door on the left." He sat back in his chair.

Claire nodded and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She could hear quiet music coming from downstairs, and a low snoring from down the hall. The noises made her heart rate speed up, and she quickened her pace to the washroom and locked the door behind her.

... ... ...

John sighed and lay down on his bed. He could not even believe that this shit was happening. His morning hadn't started off too great; he had almost shoved Mr. Clark's head in the toilet.

...

"Rise and shine, champ! We need to get up and go for a jog!" The light in the bedroom had been flicked on. John groaned and rolled over. A strange, grey haired man was standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the fuck?" He mumbled. He was definitely not in his bedroom, and immediately recognized it as Andrew's. What the hell was he doing in Andrew's house? The two boys definitely weren't known for their slumber parties.

"You watch your mouth, son! There is no tolerance for that sort of language under my roof, and you damn well know it! Now get your ass outta bed!" The man turned on his heel and grumpily stomped out of the room.

John was still hopelessly confused. He looked around the room and the first thing he noticed was the alarm clock on the night table. It read 5:32 a.m. Oh, he was definitely not a morning person! He threw the covers off of his body and stretched. That was when he noticed that he was definitely not himself that morning.

The first sign: he was short. The second sign: He was wearing clothes. The third sign: he was blonde and ugly. He stared at himself in the mirror attached to the large dresser across the room. He was thinking John Bender thoughts in an ugly Andy-looking head. He took a deep breath and approached the dresser to find a shirt and some pants to wear.

Once he was dressed, he made his way downstairs to the first floor of the house. Andrew's mother was standing at the stove frying up some bacon and eggs, while Mr. Clark sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and the morning newspaper. Also at the table was Andy's little brother Nicky, and his older - and very hot - sister, Annette.

"Good morning, honey," Mrs. Clark announced to who she thought was Andrew, cheerily.

He nodded at her politely and took a seat at the table with 'his' siblings. Annette said nothing to him and kept reading through what looked to be a text book. Nicky smiled at him.

"Hi Andy!" He was kicking his legs under the table and grinning a toothy smile.

Bender held back his disgust for children and smiled back. "Hey kid."

"Are we going to watch the Muppets today?" He shoveled some of his Fruity Pebbles into his mouth, splashing some milk down his chin.

John scratched his head. "Uh, when is that?"

Everyone in the kitchen stopped to stare at him as if he grew another head. Immediately he realized that Andy must have a secret Muppet love, and that John had screwed up. He cleared his throat and smiled at the younger boy. "Just kidding, buddy. Sure, I'll be there."

The kid's frown dripped off of his face and was replaced with a bright smile. "Awesome! Hopefully they play one with the Pigs in Space!"

John grinned and thought of the only Muppet that he knew of. "Yeah and I hope they show Animal too."

"You love it when Animal plays drums in Electric Mayhem, don't you?" John inwardly cheered at picking a good one and smiled.

"Yeah, we'll see."

"Andrew you have running to do." Mr. Clark stated. "When are you gonna grow out of those silly shows and get your ass in gear? Enough of egging Nicky on."

John frowned at the man. "Dude, we were just chilling out. I don't wanna run anyways."

The older man's eyebrows rose. "Excuse me, young man? You will do what I tell you to do and there won't be another peep out of your mouth. And don't you dare call me 'dude'. Get your ass in gear."

John glared at him. "I said I ain't feelin' well."

"I don't give a rat's ass if you're bleeding out the asshole! Go get changed!"

"Tony!" Mrs. Clark yelled, pointing a spatula at him. "There is a flu going around! I'm sure he can miss running for one morning." She turned back to the stove and shoveled the bacon on to the plates.

"Sheila, the boy needs to get into shape! He has a meet in less than two weeks that he needs to be prepared for. He can't afford to come in second this time! He has to place first...all the scouts will be there!" He looked exasperated. Bender thought he was going to have a coronary right there.

"He is in great shape! You lay off for one morning and let him be." She placed some plates in front of Tony, John, and Annette, and returned to the kitchen. John looked back at Andrew's father who was glaring at him.

"Don't make a habit out of this, you slacker. This is bullshit Andrew, even for you." The older man began piling food into his mouth without looking at him again.

For not being Andrew, that sure did make John feel like shit. He wanted to scream and throw a temper tantrum at the older man, but he figured that was out of character for Andrew. He figured the best thing to do would be to take Andy's Bronco and get over to his house and see who was waiting for him there.

...

"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you so deep in thought, maybe you're better off with Andrew." Claire joked. She dumped John's sheet back onto his bed and folded her - his - arms over her chest.

John nearly jumped in his seat when she came in. He glared and rolled his eyes. "Yeah and look like shit the rest of my life? No thanks."

"You don't like being well toned?" She joked again.

"Well at least your picking up my sense of humor," he deadpanned. He subconsciously tried to shake his hair out of his face, but forgot that it was no longer there. "Okay, there is a phone at the bottom of the stairs. It is the only phone we have in the house, so it has a really long phone cord, and a really long receiver cord. Bring the phone up the stairs and into this room."

She stared at him. "Are you sure it's long enough?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, I don't live here! I have no fuckin' clue!"

She glared at him and once again left the room. He heard her quickly pad down the stairs, and then just as quickly come back up again. He could tell that she was scared shitless and it made him feel ashamed. She didn't need to be trying to live under the Bender roof. Even a dick like Andy didn't deserve such treatment. He just hoped that she would be able to keep out of the old man's way. Not only that, but there were quite a few other assholes that expected some business from him this week.

He could only hope they traded back before she would have to find out about that.

She came back into the room and placed the phone down on the floor. He nodded his head at her. "Okay, now call your house."

She took a deep breath. "My dad is going to get so mad!"

John cracked a grin at her. "I know. He always does."

She rolled her eyes and dialed the numbers that he knew by heart and lifted the receiver to her ear. After a few moments, someone had picked up.

"Uh, yeah can I talk to Claire?" She covered her mouth to keep from laughing. He almost laughed at the situation himself, but watching his own body act that giddy kind of weirded him out a little.

"I know that, but it really is important, sir." She paused for a moment, and her face contorted. "But my dog died, and I really want to talk to her!" She protested. "Yes...thank you. I won't do it again." She paused once more before bursting with laughter. "I promise!"

"My dog died?" he asked, amused.

She put her hand over the speaker and glared at him. "Shut up! I needed to say something! He was going to hang up on me. I never realized how rude he was to you!" She removed her hand quickly.

She listened for a moment before speaking. She made a very confused face. "Brian?" Pause. "This is Claire. I need you to meet us in front of my house in fifteen minutes, okay?" Without saying any more, she hung up the phone.

He perked an eyebrow at her. "How did you know that was Brian?"

She smiled a little. "He was sniffling."

Bender snorted at that. "How does that not surprise me?" He shook his head and looked around the room. "We can't go to school today until we are able to figure out what the fuck we're gonna do."

Claire nodded in agreement. "Well we can't all just skip, we'll get detention!"

Bender smirked. "Well, you have detention anyways, so that doesn't really matter for you." Before she could protest that fact, he continued. "Besides, we're not going to skip. We're going to call in sick."

"For all five of us?" Claire asked confusedly.

Bender rolled his eyes. "Well no. We won't have to for you or Allison...whoever the hell was sorry enough to end up in her body. They won't give a shit if we aren't there. Just for me, Brian, and you - your body. You now have a guy's voice...who's daddy do you want to be?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

She glared at him. "No one's. I'll call in for Brian." She picked up the phone and began dialing the number to Shermer High school.

It was going to be a damn long day and there was no way in hell he was spending it in school.

TBC