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Essence
Despair is:
The knowledge--as the paradise of your childhood rises up in flames, that your mother considers your life precious enough to save that she sacrificed hers to the inferno, ignorant that it is she who lends your life its value.
Despair is:
Arriving in a city of twisted steel and corpse-cold stone, determined to start over, possessing nothing more than your skill, tenacity, the loyal doctor by your side, and you survive, even thrive yet there remains a niggling feeling that somewhere above you, a jealous god is looking down, mocking.
Despair is:
The moments after making love to the noblest man in the world, on the concrete floor with an old blanket as the only protection, nothing above you but the stars and you convince yourself that you're happy, you really really are, but even through the heady haze of contentment, even as you feel your lover's breath against your cheek, a sacrilegious thought blossoms into the most secret places of your heart, an insidious voice whispering: there has got to be more to life than this.
Despair is:
Finding that there is more to life--a whole world beyond the Infinite Fortress that was your prison and looking at those people with envy for even in their misery, they have somewhere to belong--and you don't.
Despair is:
To look up to an emperor who you thought would lead you with a benevolent hand and a valiant spirit--the god you've been searching for all your life--and learning too late that he is neither emperor nor god, just an orphan boy who is starkly, achingly human.
Despair is:
Surviving a battle when you were prepared not to survive, for to survive was to acknowledge that you have erred, that you have hurt this man you are carrying now, this man who destroyed himself for you, who could possibly never see light again--and the contours of your face will only remain with him through his fingertips.
Despair is:
To reconcile with an ally who wants you--can see it in his eyes--knowing that one day, he will force his desire and you'll have to refuse, and the refusal will stay in your veins and poison you both.
Despair is:
Rebuilding a city that never embraced you, that never felt alive in your hands, for the simple reason that you look at the faces of those you love--their focused, determined eyes, and learn that they consider this wasteland as their city, even if you don't.
Despair is:
Stark and fleeting, a needle-prick to the heart, sharp enough to make you stagger and close your eyes, but instantly wakes you up and makes you see that yes, this is existence.
Despair is:
Living.
*
Notes: Thanks to screece for listening to this. Even without the threat of bodily harm! ^_-
Despair is:
The knowledge--as the paradise of your childhood rises up in flames, that your mother considers your life precious enough to save that she sacrificed hers to the inferno, ignorant that it is she who lends your life its value.
Despair is:
Arriving in a city of twisted steel and corpse-cold stone, determined to start over, possessing nothing more than your skill, tenacity, the loyal doctor by your side, and you survive, even thrive yet there remains a niggling feeling that somewhere above you, a jealous god is looking down, mocking.
Despair is:
The moments after making love to the noblest man in the world, on the concrete floor with an old blanket as the only protection, nothing above you but the stars and you convince yourself that you're happy, you really really are, but even through the heady haze of contentment, even as you feel your lover's breath against your cheek, a sacrilegious thought blossoms into the most secret places of your heart, an insidious voice whispering: there has got to be more to life than this.
Despair is:
Finding that there is more to life--a whole world beyond the Infinite Fortress that was your prison and looking at those people with envy for even in their misery, they have somewhere to belong--and you don't.
Despair is:
To look up to an emperor who you thought would lead you with a benevolent hand and a valiant spirit--the god you've been searching for all your life--and learning too late that he is neither emperor nor god, just an orphan boy who is starkly, achingly human.
Despair is:
Surviving a battle when you were prepared not to survive, for to survive was to acknowledge that you have erred, that you have hurt this man you are carrying now, this man who destroyed himself for you, who could possibly never see light again--and the contours of your face will only remain with him through his fingertips.
Despair is:
To reconcile with an ally who wants you--can see it in his eyes--knowing that one day, he will force his desire and you'll have to refuse, and the refusal will stay in your veins and poison you both.
Despair is:
Rebuilding a city that never embraced you, that never felt alive in your hands, for the simple reason that you look at the faces of those you love--their focused, determined eyes, and learn that they consider this wasteland as their city, even if you don't.
Despair is:
Stark and fleeting, a needle-prick to the heart, sharp enough to make you stagger and close your eyes, but instantly wakes you up and makes you see that yes, this is existence.
Despair is:
Living.
*
Notes: Thanks to screece for listening to this. Even without the threat of bodily harm! ^_-
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