FicWad

I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I heard my brother scream out my name, but the voices inside my head drowned out all the other sounds. The heavy rain pounded all around me as I ran for my life. As I was running, thoughts, sounds and faces ran through my mind, making me clench my eyes tightly for a moment, letting the tears that had been brimming seep out. The rain mixed with the tears, letting them roll down my face is a stream.

If only they knew. All of them, if only they knew what I had just seen.. The weakness in my heart that I had felt for so long finally took hold of me and turned my legs to jelly, causing me to stumble on the small things on the ground. I couldn't take the running anymore and collapsed against a tree on the side of an empty road. Once seated, my whole body racked with giant sobs that seemed to come straight from the heart. I just couldn't get his angry face out of my mind. My thoughts were interrupted when my brother arrived, screaming my name.

"Mikey! Mikey?!"

I barely registered his presence, and his strong grasp on my shoulders. His face loomed in my vision, but his face was blurry due to the rain on my glasses. His strong arms wrapped themselves around me as he took a set next to me on the road against a tree. He rocked us back and forward while we both cried like we had never before, except for when our grandmother died. Neither of us spoke because what could we possibly say? Gerard finally pulled away and sat with his head in his hands. His leather coat was drenched from the on-going rain that never relented.

I was still crying. I was crying so much that I thought I would never be able to stop. In my life, bad events seemed to never end. Hit after hit took their toll on me and I'm starting to believe that I'm cursed. I looked to Gerard who was rocking himself whispering something. It looked like he was about to break into a thousand pieces because of this new tragedy. How would we ever recover from this blow?

Ray was like our brother. His smile constantly filtered through my mind. All the good times we shared.. All the times we took for granted. How could I not have seen his depression? I was his best friend. I felt so guilty. It seemed like a lifetime that me and Gerard sat in the rain, lost in our thoughts of the now deceased Ray Toro.

Eventually the rain stopped, but the rain from our eyes didn't cease. Gerard sniffed a final time before speaking to me.
"Come on Mikey.." said Gerard, pulling himself, then me up to our feet.

It would probably help to explain the current situation. Ray Toro, best friend and band member, had just committed suicide. Right infront of my eyes. It's hard to comprehend because everyone seems to think they know Ray, but I guess no one really knew him in the end. Right before he done it, Ray was yelling and screaming about his life. He cursed everyone alive and begged for forgiveness for his sins.
"Thankyou for the venom" were his last words, before taking his life with a single blow of a gun.

To say that I am traumatised would be an understatement. You try watching your best fucking friend kill themselves and see how you fair up. I just couldn't understand why Ray would be so down that he would kill himself. He was always the one that you could talk to and know that he would have the answers and constant support that you needed. He was always the calm and collected one of My Chemical Romance. I guess that there were things that he kept inside that he never told anyone. The image of Ray's eyes right before he did it scare the living day lights out of me. They had a mad glint that seemed to tell the story of his life right before your eyes.

Right now Gerard is pulling me home, somehow managing to find the strength within himself to do so. I didn't really want to go home. It was just filled with more memories of Ray. Right now I wanted to leave, leave this town and leave my life behind. I don't think that I can take much more of everything that has happening to me. I don't want to be the 'genius bass-player' of My Chemical Romance anymore. That's not me anymore.. Not without Ray. He was the one who taught me most. He was the one who inspired me everyday to better. He was a valuable part of who I was. And now I'm not that person. Mikey Way died along with Ray Toro. I guess all I am now is a shell of who I used to be.

Gerard soon beings to tire of pulling me home. He is so physically and emotionally weak at the moment that he has exhausted himself to the extreme. I guess the reality hasn't completely hit him yet. I guess I was feeling the same. I kept expecting Ray to be right around the corner with his afro glinting in the sun. Gerard bowed his head in thought. Gerard had come moments after Ray killed himself. He saw me staring at something on the ground with a completely blank and horrified look on my face. He looked down and saw Ray. I don't think you need an explanation of what remained of Ray Toro. Everything from then on seems to be a blur. My emotions are so mixed that even I don't know how to describe them.

Gerard makes a decision in his mind. He slumps my lifeless body against another tree and walks away. He simply walks away like he doesn't have a care in the world. I think that when he saw Ray, a part of him died.. Just like me. It's quite hard to describe what Ray meant to us. But if you've ever lost someone so close to you, then you could image what we are feeling. I turn my head to watch my older brother walk back the way we came. His long, matted black hair swaying slightly behind him as he walks.

I've now lost Ray and Gerard. Gerard can be so lost within himself that he doesn't surface for days. He is a very emotional guy. Most people only know him through his songs, but him and me have a connection. And that connection is blood. He's my brother, and I somehow can always tell what he's feeling. When he's down, I'm down. He has opened up to me many times about things he's done. Gerard and me have something that I can never lose otherwise I'd be lost. I love Gerard with all my heart. But this time things are different. Gerard seems to be in the darkest hour of his life.. So dark that he may never come out. I suddenly snap out of my state of depression. I can't let Gerard lose sight of things. He's the only person left in this world that seems to understand me.

I summon my strength and hoist myself up. I feel so weak, but my desire to help Gerard urges me on.