FicWad

I manage to pull myself up, despite the weakness that still courses through my body. My thoughts are set on finding my brother. I set off, at first a quick walk but it soon turned into a sprint. I have to stop every now and again to wipe my glasses free of the rain, but it barely slows me down. After about 10 minutes and no sign of Gerard on the empty streets, I decide to take a break. I lean over and attempt to catch my breath.

'Where is he? Where would he go?' I think to myself.

I tried to think of all the places him and Ray liked to go. A sudden flashback comes through my head. The old forest on the border.. Gerard, Ray and I all loved to go there as teenagers. We would pretend to be soldiers. I wasn't sure if Gee would be there, but it was worth a shot.

While walking to the area, my thoughts turn from Gerard to Ray. Me and Ray had been friends for about 10 years. We done everything together and now... now I'd never see him again. Never again would we laugh together about Gerard's comic books or that time we straightened Ray's hair. I was going to miss his afro. Even though it was only hair, it still seemed to brighten my day. Now... now Ray and his afro only existed in my mind.

Before I knew it, I had reached the old fig that signalled the start of the forest and of the area where we all used to play. I walk around the fig and hear a muffled sound. I see a foot sticking out from behind a nearby tree and I instantly know it's Gerard.

Once I can see him, I realise he has his head in his hands, crying. He knows I'm there but he doesn't attempt to do anything. I sit down next to him.

"Remember that time we were all playing soldiers, then it rained...and then we all played in the mud?" Gerard said randomly.
How could I forget that day?
"Of course I do. Mum went ballistic!" I said, hoping to ease Gerard's pain.
"Ray loved soldiers. He always beat me...every time." said Gerard, examining our old play area. I look around with him. It was just a small clearing with rocks, trees and bushes lining the sides. To us in those days, it was everything. It was like our own private land where no one could find us. It was just a place that friends shared. Now that only two of the three friends sat in the area, it felt cold and lonely.

"Why did he do it?" cried Gerard suddenly. He burst into a wave of new tears so I pulled him into my arms just like he done to me a hundred times before.
"I...I don't know." I choked out, wanting to cry. Gerard gripped me tightly.
"Never leave me, Mikey. I couldn't stand to lose you too." Gerard sobbed, letting his tears soak my already drenched coat. I felt my own tears slip out silently. I couldn't bare to lose him either.
"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." I cried.

Me and Gerard sat there a while in each other's arms for comfort. Seeing Gerard cry always tore me apart. He is the strongest person I know. I looked up to him for guidance and support, and seeing him brake down made me feel just as weak.

I looked around the clearing, making old memories come floating back. Our old 'army days'. Ray and I used to be 'allies' and attack Gerard's base, but then Ray would turn against me and join Gerard. I guess Ray didn't want to play favourites. We were all so carefree and happy. Ray's smiling face seemed to be stuck in my head. It was soon replaced with the face of Ray moments before he died. His eyes haunt me. They told me everything: his pain, his happiness, his regrets. If only I could have said something before he pulled the trigger...but no. I had to stand there like the loser I am. I will probably begin blaming myself for Ray's death.

I looked down to Gerard. He had moved out of my arms a few minutes ago and was now slumped against the tree. His eyes were vacant and distant. Kind of like when he was drunk. It made me wonder if he would ever be able to move on from the death of Ray.

"Gerard?" I said to him a moment later after he didn't blink. He never responded.
"Gerard!" I yelled, reaching out and shaking him.
"Wha - Oh, sorry Mikey." he said, blinking several times.
"Come on, we better go.." I said, trying to sound strong for Gerard's sake.
"Can't we stay here longer?" Gerard asked innocently, pleading me with his eyes.
"We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe you could bring your notebook and write something." I said, hoping that he'd feel better after writing. It usually helped him help himself.
"I don't want to write," he said angrily. "Ever again."

I sat there shocked. Usually Gerard wanted to write. After our grandmother died, he stayed in his room for 3 days writing. Ray's death seems to have had the opposite effect on him. I didn't know what to say.

"Ray always loved your songs. He would have wanted you to write." I said. I knew it was a gamble talking about Ray in such a way, but it was true. But, you can never be sure how the person will react.

"How would you know what he would want?! He's dead, Mikey! DEAD! GONE!!" He screamed as he got up from the tree, as did I. "And you were there! You had a chance to stop him! BUT YOU DIDN'T! YOU KILLED RAY!!"

He suddenly punched me in the face. He's hit me before, but not this hard. I was knocked to the ground and he jumped on top of me, continuously punching me. My glasses broke and I felt a sharp, searing pain in my eyes. I knew the glass was in my eye. I was screaming for Gerard to stop, but he wouldn't. He was releasing his pain on me. The glass cut my face as Gerard punched me, hit after hit, until I was black and blue.

'Why was he being like this?!' I thought to myself in between pleads for him to stop.

Gerard got up and kicked me in the stomach. I was helpless. I started coughing and tasted blood. I heard Gerard walk away, leaving me alone. I tried to relax and clear my head. My whole body ached from the beating. I knew that Gerard had been right. I did kill Ray... I certainly didn't stop him.

I had to get my mind off things and relax. I started to sing 'Helena' to myself. I wasn't the greatest singer but it helped. The song now reminded me of Ray as well as my grandmother. I knew they were both in heaven. Two of the nicest people in my life were dead. I smiled at the thought of Ray in heaven, guitar in hand, smiling down at me.