Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Walking with Angels
Getting out of bed is harder than you'd think
4 reviewsHere's the thing; I'm dead. I left a list of sorts on my computer to help my best friend. I'm not big headed or anything I just thought she might need a hand getting over my death. Unfortunately I ...
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1 - Getting out of bed is harder than you'd think
A/N- Don't own, don't sue. A little bit of randomness to try and prevent me from destroying the computer due to lack of progress on ACA. Please R & R. X
1 - Getting out of bed is harder than you'd think.
It's difficult you know, not being able to do anything. Being forced to sit back and watch as the people I love go on with their lives. I want to help them; I want to change things, things that I couldn't change when I was alive.
/ /
More specifically I want to help May; my best friend. She isn't coping well, infact she's not coping at all really. It's because of me that she's like this; if I was there with her we'd be laughing and joking around like old times. But I guess that's what they are now; old times, memories of the past that I can never replicate.
/ /
It hurts me too, being here. I knew that I was dying but that doesn't change the pain that you feel what it actually happens. It felt like I was being ripped from reality and that pain, that empty gaping feeling that I still have, I don't think it will ever go away.
/ /
Death is always cruel; don't forget that. Whether you die suddenly or slowly, like I did it hurts just the same.
/ /
I can see everything, the whole world in beautiful rainbows of colour. I can see joy and happiness everywhere, everywhere except in the people who knew me. I never thought that one person could cause so much sadness, so much desperate grief. My mother cries everyday. I watched this morning as she sat in my old room, she wept until her tears ran out, until she fell into an exhausted slumber clutching one of my old teddy bears. My dad hides his grief; he waits until my mother has gone to sleep and then sits in front of the television with tears streaming down his face.
/ /
I thought stupidly that it might be easier because I knew that I was going to die. The funny thing is that even being terminally ill, even hearing the same diagnosis over and over, it still never really sank in. I still expected to one day wake up and it all to be gone, for all the festering disease in my body to have disappeared. Denial was best friend in those days.
/ /
Except for May of course.
/ /
She visited me everyday and when I finally convinced the doctors to let me go home she would stay the nights with me. She'd stay up telling me stupid stories she'd concocted in her head just to keep me company. Even when she was exhausted she'd still stay up because she knew that the drugs kept me awake and that I was terrified of dying alone in the darkness. She never let it get to her, not while I was there anyway. I never once saw her look at me with pity, she treated me the same as she had always done. She never knew how much I appreciated that, I never got the chance to tell her in person.
/ /
I want that chance. I need it. I can't sit back and watch as my best friend fades away. I have to show her that life goes on, even though for me it doesn't.
/ /
When I was alive I made something for her, something I hoped would help her move on. Except I never got to give it to her; death doesn't wait around you see. If she could find what I made then it would change things. I know it would because she's so much stronger than she knows; she just needs to realise that.
X
Why doesn't anyone understand? I don't want to get out of bed, what's the point?
I don't care about work anymore and I definitely don't care what people think. My mums taken to giant guilt trips to get me out of my room, she thinks I'm being selfish and that I should think about someone other than myself for once.
But does that actually work? It sure as hell didn't work for Ellie did it? She spent most of her life caring about other people, making sure that other people were okay. Look where it got her, dead at 25.
I felt the tears working their way up to the surface and once again let them come.
If there was a God or Karma in the world then it should have realised that it just wasn't fair to let her die. It wasn't fair. She always put other people first; she'd even give up her seat on the bus for old people. How is it right that Ellie dies and murderers and rapists get to live long and healthy lives?
I don't think I can deal without Ellie.
She was my rock, my grounding. She would always be by my side whenever I was unsure of anything. She knew my weaknesses, she knew my fears. She was such a free spirit, she wasn't afraid of anything and yet when she was with me she knew my limits and wouldn't push me.
I hate crowds and new people so she'd always make sure to avoid situations like that, just because she knew that it would make me feel better. I like order and structure verging on the point of obsession and yet she never judged me for my quirks and odd habits. I never felt like a freak around her, Ellie made me feel like a worthwhile human being.
And now she's gone.
I'm back to feeling lost and afraid again. The world seems that much more daunting with out her in it.
Large fat tears were rolling down my face again, I couldn't stop crying lately. Reaching over to my bedside table I grabbed the box of tissues on it and pulled a few out. Blowing my nose I chucked the tissue in the bin next to me and rolled over. Yanking the covers up so that my whole body was covered I shut my eyes and let myself become consumed by the darkness.
Time to get up May.
/ /
My eyes shot open and I threw the covers back in a panic. What the hell was that? My heart was racing and I looked around my room wildly. It sounded so familiar, it sounded like....no. I shook my head furiously and swung my legs round to get out of bed. Hearing voices; perhaps I had been in this room for too long.
X
I smelt pretty bad.
I hadn't really moved from the solitude of my room except to go to the bathroom or to grab some junk food, for about week. Since the funeral really. I didn't like being in the flat alone. Everything reminded me of Ellie. All her things were still here, bits and pieces of her life scattered around everywhere. Her jumper was slung over the arm of the sofa, her computer sat deserted in the corner and shelves upon shelves of her books framed the room. It was like she still lived here.
Walking quickly past the living room I went into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Stripping off I hurriedly got in the shower and turned on the water.
It felt like someone was nearby. It was hard to explain but it was an eerie feeling all the same. I finished my shower as quickly as possible and grabbed a towel from the rack.
Crap. Still clumsy.
/ /
I turned sharply as I heard a loud crash. It sounded like it had come from the living room. Wrapping the towel tightly around me I debated on whether or not to check it out. In horror movies it's moments of stupidity like this in which the heroine always dies. Ellie loved horror movies, she'd watch them intently and then point out which people from reality matched the characters in the film. Her boss would always end up being the one who suffered the worse death, she would do it for every scary film we watched and yet I always found it funny.
A familiar whirling noise started up and I walked slowly towards the door now more puzzled than anything. It sounded like Ellie's computer loading up. Grabbing a large can of deodorant (it probably wasn't the most threatening weapon as far as they go but I felt better knowing I could at least try and blind them if someone was trying to rob me) I cautiously opened the door and peered round into the living room.
The computer was on; I stared at it confused, how did that happen? The front door was still locked and as far as I could see all the windows were still tightly shut. Dropping the aerosol can I walked slowly into the living room, the large leather computer chair that usually sat next to the computer had fallen on the floor. It now lay flipped over with its wheels spinning. I guess that explains the crash I heard. I picked it up and sat it upright; taking a seat in the chair I moved closer to the computer and went to turn it off. It must have just been a power surge or something.
No!
/ /
Something made me pause though and I moved closer to the screen suddenly curious. To my surprise I found that I was logged in. Wait....no....it wasn't me that was logged in it was Ellie. I was on Ellie's account. I looked around nervously, that odd feeling of being watched was haunting me again.
Looking back at the computer I froze, my eyes as wide as saucers as I watched the screen. The curser....it was moving; it was moving on its own. I stared seemingly unable to move, as the curser clicked on the start menu, my documents, important details and then came to a stop resting over the top of a file called 'For May'
I don't believe in ghosts. That was always Ellie's thing. She loved all that freaky, weirdo rubbish. Stuff like Wicca, horoscopes, and the afterlife; I never really went in for it but even I have to admit that this is freaky.
I shouldn't be on Ellie's account. It was wrong. We always had pretty strict rules about privacy, well I did and Ellie respected that, so what am I doing? I was actually contemplating opening the file but then it did have my name on so would it be so bad if I did?
No.
/ /
I got a feeling suddenly that she wouldn't mind.
Reaching for the mouse I double clicked on the file and watched as it opened up a new box on screen containing a load of named word documents. It was bizarre; they were all simply numbered except for the first one which was called 'read me'. I clicked on it before I changed my mind and watched it load.
It was a letter of sorts, addressed to me and after I had finished reading it I sat back in the chair with my head in my hands sobbing my heart out.
O May...
X
I felt myself yanked back to the same limbo like place I found myself originally and landed with a dull thump on the floor. Apparently I couldn't do much 'haunting' or I just got sent straight back here, wherever here was.
/ /
"You are breaking the rules." A stern voice said. It seemed to come from all around me and I stood up watching for a figure to appear.
/ /
I'd learnt a lot in the past week. I found out that I wasn't quite as helpless as I originally thought and could infact have an impact on things in reality. Not a great impact mind you but I could set off alarms and turn stuff on, enough to suitably freak people out anyway. I hadn't ventured too close to my family for fear of how it would affect them. May however was another matter, she needed me.
/ /
"I didn't know there were any rules to break," I said vaguely as I brushed myself off.
/ /
"Of course there are," a voice replied, "A world without rules would be utter chaos."
/ /
I felt a soft whisper of movement to my right and watched interested as a man appeared suddenly from nowhere. He was tall and blonde, wearing a pair of tailored black trousers and a plain white shirt. He would have been quite handsome if it wasn't for the superior, haughty look on his face.
/ /
"Who are you?" I asked curious. I had been here for about a week and hadn't seen anyone so far. So although this stranger didn't look particularly friendly I'd deal with it if it meant having someone to talk to finally.
/ /
"What do you think you're doing messing around down there?" He snapped, ignoring my question entirely.
/ /
"None of your business." I said suddenly defensive. Who was he to come in here and question me? A bit of politeness wouldn't go amiss either.
/ /
"I think you'll find it is my business," He said coolly as he walked towards me, "No one goes down to earth without my permission, which I might add you don't have."
/ /
"And there's also the other thing," He added, "the fact that I live here, and you're trespassing."
/ /
I was confused and yet mad at the same time. How was I supposed to know all these things? I hadn't seen anyone since I'd been here, I wasn't telepathic for god sake...well at least I didn't think I was.
/ /
"One," I replied trying to keep my temper under control, "I woke up here through no choice of my own and two; you're the first person I've seen since I've gotten here so if I am breaking the rules and trespassing aswel then it's clearly your fault for not telling me sooner."
/ /
He looked a little taken aback by the venom on my voice; he clearly wasn't used to people answering him back.
/ /
"You woke up here?" he said after a moment's silence.
/ /
"Yes." I replied. His cool blue eyes were looking piercingly into mine but I held his gaze refusing to back down from this rude stranger. He looked confused and a little unnerved.
/ /
He finally looked away yet still surveyed me with a look of confusion. It was making me nervous.
/ /
"What?" I said finally. I was beginning to get fed up of all this not knowing.
/ /
"You aren't supposed to be here." He replied absentmindedly as he began to pace the room.
/ /
"Well that's just bloody great isn't it?!" I exploded. The man stopped the pacing and turned to look at me alarmed.
/ /
"As if being dead wasn't bad enough." I snapped watching in satisfaction as his face dropped its previous sneer, "I want answers. Right now. So stop pacing the sodding room and tell me before I kick your ass into reality."
/ /
I took another deep breath ready to yell again if needs be but found myself cut short as I went to lean against the wall and instead fell straight through.
/ /
If you've ever wondered what being pushed head first off of a cliff would be like, then I'd say it wouldn't be dissimilar to this. My stomach dropped away and tears streamed from my eyes as the force of the fall buffeted my face and forced my hair back into a whippy mass.
/ /
O god. I'm going to die. O wait hang on...technically can't do that again.
A/N- Don't own, don't sue. A little bit of randomness to try and prevent me from destroying the computer due to lack of progress on ACA. Please R & R. X
1 - Getting out of bed is harder than you'd think.
It's difficult you know, not being able to do anything. Being forced to sit back and watch as the people I love go on with their lives. I want to help them; I want to change things, things that I couldn't change when I was alive.
/ /
More specifically I want to help May; my best friend. She isn't coping well, infact she's not coping at all really. It's because of me that she's like this; if I was there with her we'd be laughing and joking around like old times. But I guess that's what they are now; old times, memories of the past that I can never replicate.
/ /
It hurts me too, being here. I knew that I was dying but that doesn't change the pain that you feel what it actually happens. It felt like I was being ripped from reality and that pain, that empty gaping feeling that I still have, I don't think it will ever go away.
/ /
Death is always cruel; don't forget that. Whether you die suddenly or slowly, like I did it hurts just the same.
/ /
I can see everything, the whole world in beautiful rainbows of colour. I can see joy and happiness everywhere, everywhere except in the people who knew me. I never thought that one person could cause so much sadness, so much desperate grief. My mother cries everyday. I watched this morning as she sat in my old room, she wept until her tears ran out, until she fell into an exhausted slumber clutching one of my old teddy bears. My dad hides his grief; he waits until my mother has gone to sleep and then sits in front of the television with tears streaming down his face.
/ /
I thought stupidly that it might be easier because I knew that I was going to die. The funny thing is that even being terminally ill, even hearing the same diagnosis over and over, it still never really sank in. I still expected to one day wake up and it all to be gone, for all the festering disease in my body to have disappeared. Denial was best friend in those days.
/ /
Except for May of course.
/ /
She visited me everyday and when I finally convinced the doctors to let me go home she would stay the nights with me. She'd stay up telling me stupid stories she'd concocted in her head just to keep me company. Even when she was exhausted she'd still stay up because she knew that the drugs kept me awake and that I was terrified of dying alone in the darkness. She never let it get to her, not while I was there anyway. I never once saw her look at me with pity, she treated me the same as she had always done. She never knew how much I appreciated that, I never got the chance to tell her in person.
/ /
I want that chance. I need it. I can't sit back and watch as my best friend fades away. I have to show her that life goes on, even though for me it doesn't.
/ /
When I was alive I made something for her, something I hoped would help her move on. Except I never got to give it to her; death doesn't wait around you see. If she could find what I made then it would change things. I know it would because she's so much stronger than she knows; she just needs to realise that.
X
Why doesn't anyone understand? I don't want to get out of bed, what's the point?
I don't care about work anymore and I definitely don't care what people think. My mums taken to giant guilt trips to get me out of my room, she thinks I'm being selfish and that I should think about someone other than myself for once.
But does that actually work? It sure as hell didn't work for Ellie did it? She spent most of her life caring about other people, making sure that other people were okay. Look where it got her, dead at 25.
I felt the tears working their way up to the surface and once again let them come.
If there was a God or Karma in the world then it should have realised that it just wasn't fair to let her die. It wasn't fair. She always put other people first; she'd even give up her seat on the bus for old people. How is it right that Ellie dies and murderers and rapists get to live long and healthy lives?
I don't think I can deal without Ellie.
She was my rock, my grounding. She would always be by my side whenever I was unsure of anything. She knew my weaknesses, she knew my fears. She was such a free spirit, she wasn't afraid of anything and yet when she was with me she knew my limits and wouldn't push me.
I hate crowds and new people so she'd always make sure to avoid situations like that, just because she knew that it would make me feel better. I like order and structure verging on the point of obsession and yet she never judged me for my quirks and odd habits. I never felt like a freak around her, Ellie made me feel like a worthwhile human being.
And now she's gone.
I'm back to feeling lost and afraid again. The world seems that much more daunting with out her in it.
Large fat tears were rolling down my face again, I couldn't stop crying lately. Reaching over to my bedside table I grabbed the box of tissues on it and pulled a few out. Blowing my nose I chucked the tissue in the bin next to me and rolled over. Yanking the covers up so that my whole body was covered I shut my eyes and let myself become consumed by the darkness.
Time to get up May.
/ /
My eyes shot open and I threw the covers back in a panic. What the hell was that? My heart was racing and I looked around my room wildly. It sounded so familiar, it sounded like....no. I shook my head furiously and swung my legs round to get out of bed. Hearing voices; perhaps I had been in this room for too long.
X
I smelt pretty bad.
I hadn't really moved from the solitude of my room except to go to the bathroom or to grab some junk food, for about week. Since the funeral really. I didn't like being in the flat alone. Everything reminded me of Ellie. All her things were still here, bits and pieces of her life scattered around everywhere. Her jumper was slung over the arm of the sofa, her computer sat deserted in the corner and shelves upon shelves of her books framed the room. It was like she still lived here.
Walking quickly past the living room I went into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Stripping off I hurriedly got in the shower and turned on the water.
It felt like someone was nearby. It was hard to explain but it was an eerie feeling all the same. I finished my shower as quickly as possible and grabbed a towel from the rack.
Crap. Still clumsy.
/ /
I turned sharply as I heard a loud crash. It sounded like it had come from the living room. Wrapping the towel tightly around me I debated on whether or not to check it out. In horror movies it's moments of stupidity like this in which the heroine always dies. Ellie loved horror movies, she'd watch them intently and then point out which people from reality matched the characters in the film. Her boss would always end up being the one who suffered the worse death, she would do it for every scary film we watched and yet I always found it funny.
A familiar whirling noise started up and I walked slowly towards the door now more puzzled than anything. It sounded like Ellie's computer loading up. Grabbing a large can of deodorant (it probably wasn't the most threatening weapon as far as they go but I felt better knowing I could at least try and blind them if someone was trying to rob me) I cautiously opened the door and peered round into the living room.
The computer was on; I stared at it confused, how did that happen? The front door was still locked and as far as I could see all the windows were still tightly shut. Dropping the aerosol can I walked slowly into the living room, the large leather computer chair that usually sat next to the computer had fallen on the floor. It now lay flipped over with its wheels spinning. I guess that explains the crash I heard. I picked it up and sat it upright; taking a seat in the chair I moved closer to the computer and went to turn it off. It must have just been a power surge or something.
No!
/ /
Something made me pause though and I moved closer to the screen suddenly curious. To my surprise I found that I was logged in. Wait....no....it wasn't me that was logged in it was Ellie. I was on Ellie's account. I looked around nervously, that odd feeling of being watched was haunting me again.
Looking back at the computer I froze, my eyes as wide as saucers as I watched the screen. The curser....it was moving; it was moving on its own. I stared seemingly unable to move, as the curser clicked on the start menu, my documents, important details and then came to a stop resting over the top of a file called 'For May'
I don't believe in ghosts. That was always Ellie's thing. She loved all that freaky, weirdo rubbish. Stuff like Wicca, horoscopes, and the afterlife; I never really went in for it but even I have to admit that this is freaky.
I shouldn't be on Ellie's account. It was wrong. We always had pretty strict rules about privacy, well I did and Ellie respected that, so what am I doing? I was actually contemplating opening the file but then it did have my name on so would it be so bad if I did?
No.
/ /
I got a feeling suddenly that she wouldn't mind.
Reaching for the mouse I double clicked on the file and watched as it opened up a new box on screen containing a load of named word documents. It was bizarre; they were all simply numbered except for the first one which was called 'read me'. I clicked on it before I changed my mind and watched it load.
It was a letter of sorts, addressed to me and after I had finished reading it I sat back in the chair with my head in my hands sobbing my heart out.
O May...
X
I felt myself yanked back to the same limbo like place I found myself originally and landed with a dull thump on the floor. Apparently I couldn't do much 'haunting' or I just got sent straight back here, wherever here was.
/ /
"You are breaking the rules." A stern voice said. It seemed to come from all around me and I stood up watching for a figure to appear.
/ /
I'd learnt a lot in the past week. I found out that I wasn't quite as helpless as I originally thought and could infact have an impact on things in reality. Not a great impact mind you but I could set off alarms and turn stuff on, enough to suitably freak people out anyway. I hadn't ventured too close to my family for fear of how it would affect them. May however was another matter, she needed me.
/ /
"I didn't know there were any rules to break," I said vaguely as I brushed myself off.
/ /
"Of course there are," a voice replied, "A world without rules would be utter chaos."
/ /
I felt a soft whisper of movement to my right and watched interested as a man appeared suddenly from nowhere. He was tall and blonde, wearing a pair of tailored black trousers and a plain white shirt. He would have been quite handsome if it wasn't for the superior, haughty look on his face.
/ /
"Who are you?" I asked curious. I had been here for about a week and hadn't seen anyone so far. So although this stranger didn't look particularly friendly I'd deal with it if it meant having someone to talk to finally.
/ /
"What do you think you're doing messing around down there?" He snapped, ignoring my question entirely.
/ /
"None of your business." I said suddenly defensive. Who was he to come in here and question me? A bit of politeness wouldn't go amiss either.
/ /
"I think you'll find it is my business," He said coolly as he walked towards me, "No one goes down to earth without my permission, which I might add you don't have."
/ /
"And there's also the other thing," He added, "the fact that I live here, and you're trespassing."
/ /
I was confused and yet mad at the same time. How was I supposed to know all these things? I hadn't seen anyone since I'd been here, I wasn't telepathic for god sake...well at least I didn't think I was.
/ /
"One," I replied trying to keep my temper under control, "I woke up here through no choice of my own and two; you're the first person I've seen since I've gotten here so if I am breaking the rules and trespassing aswel then it's clearly your fault for not telling me sooner."
/ /
He looked a little taken aback by the venom on my voice; he clearly wasn't used to people answering him back.
/ /
"You woke up here?" he said after a moment's silence.
/ /
"Yes." I replied. His cool blue eyes were looking piercingly into mine but I held his gaze refusing to back down from this rude stranger. He looked confused and a little unnerved.
/ /
He finally looked away yet still surveyed me with a look of confusion. It was making me nervous.
/ /
"What?" I said finally. I was beginning to get fed up of all this not knowing.
/ /
"You aren't supposed to be here." He replied absentmindedly as he began to pace the room.
/ /
"Well that's just bloody great isn't it?!" I exploded. The man stopped the pacing and turned to look at me alarmed.
/ /
"As if being dead wasn't bad enough." I snapped watching in satisfaction as his face dropped its previous sneer, "I want answers. Right now. So stop pacing the sodding room and tell me before I kick your ass into reality."
/ /
I took another deep breath ready to yell again if needs be but found myself cut short as I went to lean against the wall and instead fell straight through.
/ /
If you've ever wondered what being pushed head first off of a cliff would be like, then I'd say it wouldn't be dissimilar to this. My stomach dropped away and tears streamed from my eyes as the force of the fall buffeted my face and forced my hair back into a whippy mass.
/ /
O god. I'm going to die. O wait hang on...technically can't do that again.
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