Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > I don't think you're my drug.
Six Months.
I had been in this hell hole, for Six smegging months.
I don't even know how I cope. Seriously, I think i'm going mad just sitting here. Doing nothing. Being bored out of my brain. Have you ever had the feeling, that maybe where you thought you were meant to be, was no-where near where you are now, and that where you are now is no-where near where you should be? Am I making sense? No? Yeah, I kind of added another stage to the stages of rehab. Stage six-hundred and twenty two; Incoherent babbling. Yay for me.
But I suppose you want to know what has been happening? I told you before, that I had no idea what was going to happen to me in a few days. That was over 4 months ago. Let's backtrack, shall we?
"Lexi, you're fucking mad." I stared at Lexi who ws prodding the hatch that led to the boiler system. She had been trying to 'escape' for the last seven hours, and had got nothing to show for her efforts. She was now trying to get through the boiler system to escape outside.
"Lexi! Get your ass down here now! I swear to god, when you fail, don't come crying to me." I groaned, and she plopped back onto the sofa that she was standing on.
"Oh stop it. It's not like we would've gotten' caught." I shook my head and stood on the sofa. Taking the screwdriver, I began to reattach the bolts to the hatch.
"TAELA! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??"
Oh, crap.
I turned around, and faced the doorway, where Alex was stood looking at me. I opened my mouth, shut it again, and then sighed.
"It's not what-" She cut me off.
"-Not what it looks like? I think it is." I shook my head.
"It's not!" I was beggining to get pissed off. I was still in the 'Acceptance but emotionally charged' stage. Joy to the mother fucking world.
"Yes it is! You were trying to get out! Now get down and tell me why." I shook my head, and raised my voice.
"No it's fucking not! I was just-" She interupted me again.
"Just what? Trying to escape?" I was really beggining to lose it now.
"NO! FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! I WAS PUTTING THE BOLTS BACK ON!" I pulled my face into an awkward expression. Lexi was looking between us and giggling insanely. I glared at her. Alex stepped towards me, and touched my arm.
"Calm down, we just-"
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! FUCKING BELEIVE ME!" I glared and she attempted to hold my arm.
"TAY! DON'T LOSE IT!" I snatched my hand away from her.
"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!" I swung my arm, and it connected with the side of her face. She held her cheek, and looked at me. She reached for her pocket. She pressed a small button, and a few seconds later, four people came running into the room.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I yelled, and one of the people approached me.
"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I yelled again, and I attemped to hit the person. They stepped back, and I felt someone hold my arms from behind. Lexi had been taken out of the room, and I was struggling against whoever had a hold of me.
"FUCKING GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!" I screamed, and kicked my legs. I heard them whisper in my ear, and I widened my eyes.
"Calm down... This will hurt slightly... You'll be okay after this..." They whispered, and then I felt a needle through my arm. Then, complete darkness.
Yeah, so that's what happened. I regret it now, after coming out of both that stage and my 'depression' stage, I realise what a bitch I was. After that incident, they had threatened to extend my stay to a whole year, because I wasn't coping without the drugs, and my body wasn't coping. That shut me up. About 2 months after that, my body zoned out, and I went into shutdown. AKA, the depression. I felt like shit during that, and I wouldn't talk to anybody. I was still roomed with Lexi during this, and about a month after I went into depression, so did she. Evie had left by this point, as her recovery was quicker than expected. I didn't even say goodbye to her, I was that miserable. On several occasions I tried to strangle myself with the sheets, failing miserably. I think that depressed me even more. But after escaping probably the most horrible time of my life, I'm on stage four. Acceptance.
I hardly think about the drugs now, because i'm being helped along so much. It makes me smile whenever I think about how well I am doing, because I know it'll mean I get to see Pete and the guys soon. And for the first time, the kiss he gave me before I left registered in my brain.
Did he mean it?
Was it just a goodbye?
Will he want me when I get back?
Will he have a girlfriend?
Will he hate me for leaving?
All of these questions, and more, went through my brain one night. I couldn't help it, after my mind was cleared of all the drug-related thoughts, it gave me space, so I was forced to think about it. I think that was the only night that I considered going back to drugs. But I have got past that. I finally think I'm moving on.
Back to now.
I'm sitting in my room, after finally being allowed to read by myself after advisors decided I was safe. I kept glancing up to where Lexi was drawing invisible pictures on the wall with her thumb, and I sighed.
"What's up, Llama?" I had taken to calling her Llama after an incident about two months ago. Don't ask.
"Nothing. Just, missing my family I guess." I nodded.
"Yeah. I'm missing my friends a lot," She sighed.
"Yeah. Ryan will be so glad when I'm back." I looked at her. She had never spoken about her family before.
"Ryan?" She looked over at me and nodded.
"Yeah, he's my brother. I miss him so much." I went over to her and sat on the end of her bed. I wanted her to tell me about her family, as I had told her my story, giving in after weeks of torture from her. And yet she was still to give me information on herself.
"I don't really have anyone else. My aunty and my brother, that's kind of it." I creased my eyebrows together.
"Why? Wheres your parents?" She looked at me uncertainly, and I montioned for her to continue.
"My mum and dad, and my two sisters, all died in a car crash when I was thirteen. I escaped with light head injuries, Ryan wasn't in the car." I gave her a sympathetic look, and let her lean her head on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." There wasn't much more to say.
I guess we were more alike that I thought. I didn't even think that was possible.
"Is that why you started... The drugs?" She gulped and nodded.
"Yeah..."
Yep, definately a lot alike.
I had been in this hell hole, for Six smegging months.
I don't even know how I cope. Seriously, I think i'm going mad just sitting here. Doing nothing. Being bored out of my brain. Have you ever had the feeling, that maybe where you thought you were meant to be, was no-where near where you are now, and that where you are now is no-where near where you should be? Am I making sense? No? Yeah, I kind of added another stage to the stages of rehab. Stage six-hundred and twenty two; Incoherent babbling. Yay for me.
But I suppose you want to know what has been happening? I told you before, that I had no idea what was going to happen to me in a few days. That was over 4 months ago. Let's backtrack, shall we?
"Lexi, you're fucking mad." I stared at Lexi who ws prodding the hatch that led to the boiler system. She had been trying to 'escape' for the last seven hours, and had got nothing to show for her efforts. She was now trying to get through the boiler system to escape outside.
"Lexi! Get your ass down here now! I swear to god, when you fail, don't come crying to me." I groaned, and she plopped back onto the sofa that she was standing on.
"Oh stop it. It's not like we would've gotten' caught." I shook my head and stood on the sofa. Taking the screwdriver, I began to reattach the bolts to the hatch.
"TAELA! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??"
Oh, crap.
I turned around, and faced the doorway, where Alex was stood looking at me. I opened my mouth, shut it again, and then sighed.
"It's not what-" She cut me off.
"-Not what it looks like? I think it is." I shook my head.
"It's not!" I was beggining to get pissed off. I was still in the 'Acceptance but emotionally charged' stage. Joy to the mother fucking world.
"Yes it is! You were trying to get out! Now get down and tell me why." I shook my head, and raised my voice.
"No it's fucking not! I was just-" She interupted me again.
"Just what? Trying to escape?" I was really beggining to lose it now.
"NO! FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! I WAS PUTTING THE BOLTS BACK ON!" I pulled my face into an awkward expression. Lexi was looking between us and giggling insanely. I glared at her. Alex stepped towards me, and touched my arm.
"Calm down, we just-"
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! FUCKING BELEIVE ME!" I glared and she attempted to hold my arm.
"TAY! DON'T LOSE IT!" I snatched my hand away from her.
"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!" I swung my arm, and it connected with the side of her face. She held her cheek, and looked at me. She reached for her pocket. She pressed a small button, and a few seconds later, four people came running into the room.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I yelled, and one of the people approached me.
"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I yelled again, and I attemped to hit the person. They stepped back, and I felt someone hold my arms from behind. Lexi had been taken out of the room, and I was struggling against whoever had a hold of me.
"FUCKING GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!" I screamed, and kicked my legs. I heard them whisper in my ear, and I widened my eyes.
"Calm down... This will hurt slightly... You'll be okay after this..." They whispered, and then I felt a needle through my arm. Then, complete darkness.
Yeah, so that's what happened. I regret it now, after coming out of both that stage and my 'depression' stage, I realise what a bitch I was. After that incident, they had threatened to extend my stay to a whole year, because I wasn't coping without the drugs, and my body wasn't coping. That shut me up. About 2 months after that, my body zoned out, and I went into shutdown. AKA, the depression. I felt like shit during that, and I wouldn't talk to anybody. I was still roomed with Lexi during this, and about a month after I went into depression, so did she. Evie had left by this point, as her recovery was quicker than expected. I didn't even say goodbye to her, I was that miserable. On several occasions I tried to strangle myself with the sheets, failing miserably. I think that depressed me even more. But after escaping probably the most horrible time of my life, I'm on stage four. Acceptance.
I hardly think about the drugs now, because i'm being helped along so much. It makes me smile whenever I think about how well I am doing, because I know it'll mean I get to see Pete and the guys soon. And for the first time, the kiss he gave me before I left registered in my brain.
Did he mean it?
Was it just a goodbye?
Will he want me when I get back?
Will he have a girlfriend?
Will he hate me for leaving?
All of these questions, and more, went through my brain one night. I couldn't help it, after my mind was cleared of all the drug-related thoughts, it gave me space, so I was forced to think about it. I think that was the only night that I considered going back to drugs. But I have got past that. I finally think I'm moving on.
Back to now.
I'm sitting in my room, after finally being allowed to read by myself after advisors decided I was safe. I kept glancing up to where Lexi was drawing invisible pictures on the wall with her thumb, and I sighed.
"What's up, Llama?" I had taken to calling her Llama after an incident about two months ago. Don't ask.
"Nothing. Just, missing my family I guess." I nodded.
"Yeah. I'm missing my friends a lot," She sighed.
"Yeah. Ryan will be so glad when I'm back." I looked at her. She had never spoken about her family before.
"Ryan?" She looked over at me and nodded.
"Yeah, he's my brother. I miss him so much." I went over to her and sat on the end of her bed. I wanted her to tell me about her family, as I had told her my story, giving in after weeks of torture from her. And yet she was still to give me information on herself.
"I don't really have anyone else. My aunty and my brother, that's kind of it." I creased my eyebrows together.
"Why? Wheres your parents?" She looked at me uncertainly, and I montioned for her to continue.
"My mum and dad, and my two sisters, all died in a car crash when I was thirteen. I escaped with light head injuries, Ryan wasn't in the car." I gave her a sympathetic look, and let her lean her head on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." There wasn't much more to say.
I guess we were more alike that I thought. I didn't even think that was possible.
"Is that why you started... The drugs?" She gulped and nodded.
"Yeah..."
Yep, definately a lot alike.
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