Categories > Anime/Manga > Inuyasha > STARING THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD
Naraku has got a scheme to make himself more secure in his occasional time of weakness.
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STARING THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD
(#) JesusKetchum31 2007-01-22
Okay, the first thing I'm noticing is a myriad of grammar problems. They're not terrible, and I beleive you mentioned that English was not your first language, so that's not as bad... but you should really look into getting a beta reader to proofread things for you before you post.
Your constant use of elipses (...) is frustrating. It's okay to use it a little, but when it's every other sentence it stops losing its meaning and starts getting tedious to read. If you're trying to convey long pauses, it might be better to use carriage returns there instead. That's a more "natural" way of spacing. Still, even that will get old after a while. Try breaking it up and slowing it down through word choice.
Also, your choice of voice is confusing. Who's narrating this? Is your narrator there? Why is your narrator interjecting thoughts into it? "Yuck," "let's watch," etc., I mean. The narrator establishes him- or herself as an individual who has somehow watched what's happened in what you've written. You should have someone in mind if you use this approach, and focus more on a "storyteller" vibe. Otherwise, you may want to depersonalize your speaker.
So far it's interesting, particularly this character of yours. I can't say yet if I find him to be Stu-ish or not, it's far too early to tell, but so far he's giving off the standard IY Demon of the Week vibe, but at the same time he's interesting enough to want to get inside his head.
Interesting. Let's see where this goes.Author's response
Hey dude! Thanks for reviewing. It's excellent. Anyway, only one thing bugs me... sorry for annoying you... but please, would you point out a few examples from the "myriad of spelling errors" I have? Hundreds of people have told me that... and I honestly can't find one. Anyway, thank you very much for your review!
And "interesting" was just the word I wanted to hear!
God bless,
Gabi Texi
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