I stayed back for some moments just watching and thinking, letting the dread build up in my nervous stomach. I watched her climb into the bus and then disappear thanks to the tainted glass. I was in shock and, being honest with myself, I was angry at me for doing exactly what she wanted; playing into her hands.
No doubt she would already have spun some elaborate web of deceit to Gerard who, as upset as he was, would probably believe it, although not deep down but just because he wanted every word that came out of that vile slag's mouth to be the truth. That was how much control she had over him, he'd even believe her over his own brother.
'I am not afraid to walk this world alone...'- I almost laugh every night when I hear him sing those lines because of the sheer desperation in them. He wants to believe what he says like all our fans believe, but there's something -in this case someone- that just won't let him. She's got him convinced he needs her and he's such a troubled soul that he can't do anything to fight it, no matter how much he wants to or how much we try and help him to.
Dragging my feet slowly towards the steps, prolonging the agony of the confrontation I know is waiting for me, all I can think about is how much I want to kick her off the bus -still in her pathetic attire- and drive away, far away leaving her to sort the mess she calls a life out by herself without the help of my brother.
But, when I feel Gerard's fist connecting with my jaw cracking it to the side and then the blood trickling out of my mouth though, I get the impression or actually, the clear message that there would be more chance of me being the one kicked off and left. But even as his fist connects and retracts and connects and retracts and then connects once again, all I'm aware of are his eyes and the look shining through them; anger, real strong hateful anger. I know my brother pretty well, we're thick as thieves, and I can guess who the anger's directed at. It's not me he's attacking with that powerful brutality but himself. He always takes it out on me because, in a way, I am him; I, debatably, look like him, sometimes I try to be him in the way I act and I guess my face shows him his flaws and problems in the same way he shows me what I don't want to be like as much as what I do. It's for this reason that I can't be angry with him even as I fall to the hard floor of the bus at his feet, barely conscious.
I don't know when I woke up but the bus was dark and I could feel the gentle bumps in the road from how the bus was now moving, driving us away from tonight's venue and onto tomorrow's. I hardly had time to think about what had happened before the pain hit me and I almost groaned out loud but their voices stopped me.
Her sick little giggles played through the darkness to reach me in my bunk and then it was followed by Gee's laugh. I was almost sick remembering that only hours ago he had turned to Frank and said, "That's it she's gone too far this time.". I don't know why, I never do, but I always believe him when he says stuff like that, he says it every time she hurts him, but then this happens; she ends up back with him, giggling away like giddy teenagers.
"Shh...honey, you'll wake them up" Gerard whispered, too loudly, to her which was met with another giggle. This was too much to take and suddenly I needed to actually vomit, but I was in so much pain from the beating he had given me earlier that I had to roll out of the bunk -falling past Bob's in the process- and land on the floor with an excruciating thud. The thud of course attracted much attention from the surrounding beds. Frank groaned a "Shut the fuck up Mikes!" through his curtain, Bob grunted, Ray's bunk, I noticed, was empty. None of these responses bothered me, until, that is, Gerard's curtain flew back slightly and his sweat-glistening face framed by his tousled hair moved to meet me.
I almost winced and moved back, but me being the sensitive little brother that I am, I managed not to because I knew how much it would hurt him to think that I was scared of him. So instead, I stood from my heap on the floor and moved from one foot to the other holding my stomach to keep the rising bile safe from exposure while he pulled a tortured expression that almost made me cry and said, "Are we okay Mikes?"
I couldn't answer for a moment because the emotions flooding through me and the threatening vomit held me back. I saw his face reach an even more pathetic expression and for a moment I wanted to walk away but instead I nodded, "Yeah man, we're cool." I managed a weak smile which he returned.
"Aww, that's sweet! Now fuck off Mikes cos we're in the middle of something."
I'd forgotten that she was there, but now she pulled the curtain back slightly more to reveal her lying on his bare chest. I couldn't keep the sick from spilling out of my mouth any longer and I heaved heavily onto the floor beneath their -well, his- bunk.
"Eww! That's gross, go clean that up now!" her little squeal made me want to hit her again, but I'd learned my lesson, I wasn't about to forget it. So I turned around, still feeling nauseous, and headed into the small kitchenette area of the bus to attempt to find a mop and clean up the mess I'd made.
"Sara honey, don't talk to him like that, he's ill. I'm gonna go clean it up so he can lie down."-I stopped walking immediately in shock as Gerard defended me? I heard him peck her on the lips and then move out of the bunk, his feet only slightly slapping in the fluid lying there, and I could picture her face. I let myself smile in the darkness.
The smile grew wider still when I felt his arms around my shoulders moving me gently forward. He guided me to the couch where I lay down and closed my eyes suddenly wanting nothing more than to sleep. I continued smiling as I heard Gerard cleaning in the distance.
"I think we're the ones winning now." Ray whispered and I opened my eyes to look across at where he was sat, he was staring down at a notebook but his smile was the same stupid one I was wearing.
"Yeah..." I sighed lifting my head up slightly to see Gerard more clearly, "we're makin progress." I laughed silently and closed my eyes again.
But she'd still do her best to change that...
Cheers so much for the reviews, I wasn't sure whether or not to keep writing :)
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