It wasn't until Sally answered the phone that I realised I had nothing to say to her, all I could do was sit in the silence of the moving bus searching my brain frantically for something to say to her. I couldn't find anything, not a single thing. I'd woken her up to say "hey sally"?
"Mikey?" her voice snapped me out of my silence; I'd been so busy trying to think of something to say I'd forgotten she was still there. I had no idea how long I'd gone without saying anything.
"Yeah?" god I'm stupid!
She sighed on the other line, "Mikey, what's wrong honey? You haven't phoned me this early in the morning randomly in so long, something's gotta be up?" -She was right, but I couldn't tell her exactly how she was right.
My mind went into a backtrack mode automatically, "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine. I didn't mean to phone you, um, bye." I pressed the button to end the call and cursed myself; Sally'd definitely know there was something wrong now. Dammit, Sara makes my life so fucking complicated.
I didn't doubt for a second that Sally would believe my pathetic lies, coming from my pathetic voice. Seconds after I ended the call, my cell was ringing out into the darkness of the bus. I answered it quickly not wanting anyone to wake up. I didn't get a chance to say anything before she was more or less shouting down the phone at me, "Bullshit Michael! I'm your therapist for fuck's sakes, it's my job to know when something's wrong with people. And something sure as hell is up with you, so cut the crap and let me know so I can help."
She always had to be like this with me; to begin with, I refused point-blank to go see a therapist, but my depression, drinking and drug use was getting out of hand and I didn't want to get as bad as Gerard had, so I'd agreed. Sally was my fourth therapist, all the others gave up on me, but that girl likes a challenge and somehow I ended up spilling everything to her. That was about seven months ago now and she's still the first person I go to when I need to talk. But still, I'd rather keep all my feelings to myself.
I sighed, suddenly I just didn't have the energy to talk about this, "Sorry, you know what I'm like." She snorted down the phone, which made me laugh, "it's just, it's... Gerard." I continued.
Immediately her voice filled my ear, "It's always Gerard, Mikey."
I had to stop and think about her interruption for a second, I know she didn't mean it to sound bitchy, she was just stating the obvious. But I didn't like getting the obvious pointed out to me. That's another one of my problems, you see? When it comes to my brother, I'll do anything to help him. That, of course, usually leaves me in all the emotional turmoil that I try and save him from.
"I know." My voice just kept getting weaker and weaker and suddenly I wanted to cry. Don't ask me why, because I don't know.
"You're in Britain, right?" she asked, although I knew she'd probably have our schedule pinned to her fridge or something so that she could phone me for our 'phone therapy sessions' whenever I'd have a day off.
"Manchester to be more precise." I answered, already sure of where this was going.
"I'm flying out on the next plane." And just like that I was left sitting alone on the leather couch once again as the dial tone played out of the speaker.
The morning went by in a blur. My mind just kind of entered a warped sort of half reality; people ran about putting make-up on here, handing out water bottles there, while I sat watching it all just waiting hopefully for Sally to appear through a doorway. We had two interviews to do before the night's show.
We were in the dressing room of a studio waiting to be called on -although they said that could be hours from now- when Gerard suggested going to get coffee -he always liked to disappear off to cafes despite the fact that there are plenty of people running around trying to make us 'rock stars' happy. Needless to say, the somehow always happy and bouncy -despite his just about constant illnesses- Frank jumped up and followed, as did Ray and Bob.
Bob motioned to me, silently asking if I was going with them. I just shook my head, I didn't sleep last night and I was absolutely shattered.
"You comin' sugar?" I heard him ask Sara who I only just noticed was sitting on the couch in front of me.
"Nah, I'm just gonna stay here with Mikes." She continued slicking through her superficial fashion magazine as I watched a slight flicker of worry pass over Gee's features.
"See ya then." I cringed silently to myself and stared down at my nails, mentally noting I needed to re-paint them, as they shared an overly long goodbye kiss. It was difficult to believe that only yesterday he was "done" with her.
I laughed out loud as my thoughts played through what was happening yet again, her having him wrapped around her carefully manicured finger.
"What's so funny Mikes?" I looked up from staring at my nails to see we were now alone in the room, the rest of the guys had disappeared. She threw the magazine to the side, leaving it disguarded as she stood up and walked over to me in the corner.
"Nothing." I answered eventually, unsure and nervous about where this conversation would go; I really couldn't be bother with another argument. Once again she surprised me, and I disgusted myself by allowing her to.
She stroked my cheek with her fingers, staring deeply into my eyes. Just remember she's a good actress! I was screaming at myself as her eyes took on the same genuine shimmer that they had last night when she cleaned my wounds. She continued running her hand over my face as I just sat there and let her, I really don't know why but I did.
"Mikey, you're so wrong about me. All I want to do is love Gee." She moved her hands to the top of my shirt, slipping a hand inside to touch the skin running over my collarbone. Still I just let it all happen. "I just want to love him, like he loves me." She unbuttoned the top button on my shirt and continued caressing my skin, running her soft hands over my purple skin and staring intensely into my eyes. She looked like she could cry.
'No! No! Stop this Mikey! Stop being an idiot and push her away!' I could hardly hear her words as my subconscious screamed at me and my heart sped up dramatically.
"Mikey, you're not letting me love my Gee." Her words were muffled slightly as her lips brushed against mine and her hand travelled back up from my chest to my neck where she held loosely. Suddenly she was kissing me hard, her tongue trailing my, firmly shut, lips forcing them open. Her grip on my throat tightened and all of a sudden I couldn't breath easily. With the pressure of her hand around my neck and her hard kiss, I began to panic. She used her free hand to trap my flailing ones as she continued to suffocate me.
"Yeah, nothing's wrong..." a new, sarcastic, voice filled the room.
Sara's grip on me vanished instantly and I dropped to the floor from where I was sat on the counter, gasping for breath and holding onto my throbbing neck. I looked up and saw Sally standing in the doorway glaring at Sara who was mirroring the expression flawlessly. More words were spoken between them but they were just a blurred humming to me as my vision swirled and danced brightly making my stomach spin and ache. I vomited harshly before collapsing in the pool and closing my eyes.
argh! EVIL Sara!! Thanks for the feedback; it's helping me so much! :)
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