FicWad

A/N: I apologize for having kept you waiting. And for the possible further lack of speedy updates. It's personal but please don't take it as such.








I g n o r a n c e c o u l d h a v e b e e n b l i s s





Whatever happened to the 'little sister' aspect of the females' relationship?

Take lonliness and mix it with physical attraction, admiration and curiosity. You see, nothing out of the ordinary really. Don't most relationships arise out of such circumstances? (And come to an end because of them?)

Ever since puberty Carl felt more intrigued by women, their curves, their gentle movements. During her teenage years she had various dates with guys she had found interesting. Yet, she expected more than just nice conversations and similar hobbies. After a few experiences with the opposite sex. she found her previous theory confirmed: To her, men would never get past the just-friends barrier.

She tried not to agree with the stereotypical notion that women had the tendency to be more sensitive to their partners' needs, but something inside made it clear to her that being with a male would never allow for her to open up entirely. There had been times in her life when she felt almost ashamed for her preference. Years went by, and her confidence grew and in the end, what's it worth to feel bad about something that isn't a conscious decision?

When Brenda entered her life, Carl wasn't looking for somebody. Not once during the first few months that they hung out did the thought cross the older woman's mind to regard the teenager as a possible lover. (Rumor has it that homosexuals do not feel attracted to every single specimen of their gender.)

Brenda was somebody who wasn't lost on her own but who could certainly use a friend in her new environment. In the beginning it was surely her interest in Carl's work with dogs that paved the path for a friendship between the two.

What Caroline eventually saw in Brenda was beauty. The beauty that is not simply a result of favorable genes and skillfully applied make-up, but the result of being comfortable with who you are on the inside and outside.

Be it Carl's restrained insecurity about her sexuality, be it her nature in general, or more likely, a combination of both - she certainly wasn't as comfortable with herself. She found she lacked inner strength and energy, didn't have enough patience, not with herself and not with other people. Found it hard to present herself in the best possible way, especially if that included opening her mouth and talking about herself.

As for Brenda, once her mind was set on something, she would work until she got it. Carl remembered how scared she was to move out from her parents' place, to be on her own. Not once did she spot the slightest self-doubt in Brenda. It took years for Caroline to be able to call herself independent, her younger friend seemed to have reached that stage with one big step.

Brenda was impressed by the fact that Carl (apparently) didn't seem to care much what others thought of her. She didn't spend too much time on getting ready to face the world outside that always wanted to label you according to the way you looked and behaved. The older woman had found her calling, it wasn't hard to see how much working with dogs meant to her. Brenda herself was sure that she wouldn't want to be a fitness instructor for the rest of her life. Maybe not even for the rest of the year. Once a goal had been reached it didn't continue to hold its previous appeal.

On a different note, Brenda was also flattered that somebody older and more mature took an interest in her. In someone who just recently had left her parents' place and surely didn't have the experience and ken that Carl must've had.

All in all, it was quite cute how they admired each other's positive attributes, or what each of them evaluated as such. Caroline would have never made the first step, knowing quite well that Brenda was only dating men, and lots of them. It was the younger one who allowed their relationship to deepen, or rather, to change.




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After Dax and Joe had gotten home, the latter couldn't wait to call Brenda. In the meantime he had forgotten all about Carl's odd behavior when he left her place, his thoughts too engrossed in the upcoming phone conversation with a woman who seemed to be willing to give up her former life style to be with him. As much as it had shocked him to have learned that he wasn't the only one she was being intimate with, as much did it flatter him the she wanted to change that just for him. What Patrick had said must've been true: He really meant a lot to her.

"So you dumped all your lovers, or whatever you call them, for me?" Joe asked over the phone. Of course, she could easily lie to him. How would he ever know? (Make the narrator your friend?)

But lie she did not. (The narrator likes him already.) Because Joe had made Brenda realize that, maybe, she had given up on serious relationships too soon in her young life. Maybe Joe knew how to treat his girlfriend right.

"All of them, Joe. I mean it wasn't that many..." she trailed off.

"Male and female?"

It didn't make that much of a difference to him, he just wanted to make sure she wasn't trying to feed him some bullshit about not actually cheating on him is she was still seeing somebody of her own sex. Understandably, the man had grown somewhat suspicious of Brenda's truthfulness.

"Joseph, I totally dumped all of them for you. Even the one that was almost like family to me."

Well, if 'totally' isn't a sign of honesty, I don't know... But not to confuse any of you, it was true. And yes, the 'family' one was Carl. And I believe Joe should not be kept in the dark about this any longer.

Joe found that last remark confusing, "I thought they were all just flings..."

"Well, all but one...," Brenda explained. "Carl really cared about me. I hate to have hurt her like that... but you mean more to me. And I'm not honestly attracted to girls. I was just... curious, I guess."

"You are not talking about the dog-training Caroline Neverwinkle?"

Blah, blah, the rest of the conversation is pretty boring if you already have the information that Joe still had to gain. In the end his previous good mood was crushed because he remembered Carl's reaction to the phone call he had gotten and now could make full sense of it.

He had always been one of those people who had to talk about his feelings and thoughts as soon as they erupted inside of him. Despite the fact that the guilt he felt about being the reason why his new friend must feel betrayed was unjustified - he hadn't known the women had been lovers until that moment, he couldn't help it turning into the prevaling emotion inside of him.

"... It just doesn't seem right to me to pick up where we left off, now that I know that I robbed her of her... you," Joe ended his short monologue.

"But Joe... I told you, I was never really in love with her. We would have broken up soon anyway. Please, don't dump me now!" Brenda almost yelled in frustration. She hadn't seen this coming either. Carl had several clients and she hardly mentioned any by name. Sure, she had told her about a new guy with a cute puppy but there were lots of puppies running around.

The man grew frustrated with the situation. The last thing he needed now was hysteria.

"You didn't know that we were friends, did you? Carl and me?" he inquired.

"No!" the woman now screamed. "Who do you think I am?" Her voice cracked. She was hurt and she felt that perhaps she had rushed to break things off with her other lovers. What if this wasn't working out?

There was a silence for about one minute, in which Joe tried to collect his thoughts and arrive at a solution that was best for all of them; in which Brenda tried not to cry because she saw her one shot at something good speeding out of reach.

"Brenda, listen to me," Joe's voice sounded calming and hopeful. Usually these tones of voice only generated snappy comebacks from the teenager due to the fact that she felt patronized and not taken seriously. But it wasn't something usual for her to put her hope and trust in a guy, so a differen reaction was the result.

"You mean so much to me, Joe..." she whispered. Fearing the worst but hoping for the best.

"I'm not dumping you, Brenda. I want to see you again."

She sighed. Relief.

"... but I feel it's wrong if we just act as if nothing had happened. I couldn't look Carl in the eyes ever again. I don't want to hurt anyone."

It wasn't 'the best', of course, but maybe this was as good as it would get for now.

"So, you're suggesting a break?" Brenda asked meekly.

Joe was glad he didn't have to say the words himself. With all his honesty about his feelings, he was quite a coward when this honesty resulted in hurting people he cared about.

"I will be gone for a while anyway. The tour, you know? It would have happened anyway. Please, don't read too much into this. Even if Carl didn't have anything to do with this, I would have to go away... This won't be so bad. Both of us will have time to reflect on how this is supposed to work out."

Brenda wanted to ask what his last sentence was supposed to mean, but she did not for fear of being too pushy. It was good, too, not because it would have made Joe mad, but because he didn't really know what it meant himself.

But wasn't this was people usually said in a situation like this? (With a confused narrator at least?)