FicWad

"What am I doing here?" you keep thinking this to yourself. Sitting in your car hands clenching the steering wheel. Wind and rain battering the world outside. The interior of your car was beginning to cool in the winter cold. Twenty minutes since you parked your car across the street. New York City was always cold in January but tonight was terrible cold and rainy you wondered if Mother Nature was just responding to your internal turmoil.
Getting out of your now cold and uninviting car you lock your doors and pull you now seemingly thin jacket closer to your shivering frame. Walking towards the building crossing the street the tall darkened apartment building looming overhead, you hugged yourself hoping he hadn't moved since you had last been here.
There it stood two feet over your head tall, shiny, and black those familiar tarnished silver numbers 272, that number. Flashes of the past came to your mind the first time he invited you up for "coffee and conversation" he had said. Tears worked their way into you vision the numbers and their ebony canvas were all waves and light. Your hand seemed to move with its own mind your tiny fist collided with the solid oak the sound created shook your frail body. You thought you might stumble yet you were frozen in place. Your eyes shot to the peephole at the sound of something scrapping the door frame. The door opened you knew it was open the warmth was searing you it was hot suddenly. You were fidgeting pulling at the sleeves surrounding your arms. The smell, that smell, tobacco and cologne memories once again flooded your mind.
"Hello?" a voice reaching out for you, shocking you back into real time you looked up, there he stood in all of his pail skin and dark haired glory. Not seeing him in person for over a year had taken its toll. Your jaw loosened mouth now ajar lip quivering you did the first thing that came to mind. That's right kids you turned tail and hauled it down the stairs and out onto the street the rain had stopped. But the air still held its dampness. You ran until your body fell into the side of your car. You turned to look back at the building you had fled from moments earlier there was no one in sight. Sighing in relief you slumped leaning against your car for support he hadn't followed you.
You could faintly hear a familiar song on the air you weren't sure where it was coming from; reaching into your pocket you pulled out that little sliver of a cell phone that proved to be the source of the music. Some one was calling but the number was unfamiliar you answer anyways. "Hello?" you say in a quiet voice. "Christina?" it was Frankie you were meeting with him tomorrow to catch up on old times. Why was he calling now?
"Yes what's going on?" you respond in a shaking voice.
"I just got a call from Gee. Are you ok he said he thought he saw a ghost at his front door."
"Year I guess he did." You say blushing you were so busted.
"Well are you ok? Do you need anything? Are you going to tell him or do I have to?" Frankie rushed you with questions.
"No no Frankie I'm fine I just got scared is all guess I wasn't ready. I am going to tell him." You answer each of his questions.
"Everything?" Frank says in a quizzical tone.
"Yes every single little thing I promise."
"Ok well take a deep breath and get your pretty tale back up to his place and tell him you love him for god's sake!" Frankie says ending with an audible slamming of his phone.
Ok take two you can do this girl. You coach yourself back up to that dark door and another knock this time the door opens almost automatically. And this time he's even more beautiful his shaken expression, tussled hair, tear stained and flushed cheeks. Why was he crying? He shouldn't cry.

God he is beautiful is the only thing you can think at that moment. Just how attractive he is showing all of his vulnerability in his frightened state.

"Christina?" just a whisper and the second time that night someone had said your name as a question. But this time had so much more to it the way he spoke on word had placed so much behind it.

You simply nod your head and step forward not being able to find words for the moment. His face changes in that second, now he's all smiles and warmth you even get a hint of his giggle before you are engulfed in all that is Gee. You're surrounded in him and warm and comfortable for the first time in a year.

"Gerard..." you whisper his name with your lips to his skin your face buried in his neck. You feel him shiver you realize then how cold you are because of the world outside, but how warm you are fast becoming in his world.

You were unaware of him leading you further into his apartment and closing the door behind you. It must have been at least ten minutes until you finally pulled away from the comfort of his arms.

Looking up into his jade eyes you did the only thing you could you smiled. He just smiled back a genuine smile one that rarely graced his face these days.

"Why are you here? Not that it's bad but it's been over a year Christina." There it was he wanted an explanation you had to deliver.

"I guess... well I don't know." You searched for the words you had not thought this through. Way to go miss fly by the seat of your pants. You thought you yourself with a frown.

"Christina?" he had a worried look on his face now he was moving helping you out of your wet jacket and pulling you over to the couch to sit.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee?" he offered with eager eyebrows raised in an expression of hope.

"Coffee yes, Coffee and Conversation." You say with a knowing smile and look into his eyes again.
He freezes remembering that moment from two years before. With a smile creeping its way onto his face he chuckles and nods his head as he leaves you to make the requested beverage. Giving you the time to try to think over what you were going to say when he returned. You fidget for a moment then rise to explore his slightly modified living space. Looking around to take note of a few items that have survived his increased fame and fortune. That same office set up in the dining area desk, funky lamp, and chair. The lamp you and Frankie got him, homemade bat decorated lampshade included. You remember drawing each little cartoon bat one night till sun rise just because you wanted to personalize the gift that much more. And in the sitting area the puke stain was still in the carpet in the far corner where you found out why you shouldn't drink too much red wine. And that same old black leather couch, there were a few memorable nights spent on that couch. You, Gee, and the guys staying up for hours to sit through one of your impromptu zombie movie marathons, or one of Gee's StarWars marathons. Looking over to the television you noticed he had upgraded his entertainment system no more 19" tube TV a monster of a flat screen now hung from the wall like some odd vistage of a modern art painting.

You were drawn from your reverie as Gee entered the room with two cups and a towel, placing the coffee on the table he handed you the towel as you sat. "For your hair." He explained knowing your question before you could ask it. He's still got that talent you think to yourself as you smile a thank you to him.

The room fell silent for a few moments as you dried your hair as well as you could manage without a hair dryer. Gerard just watched you and slowly nursed his coffee.
Finally satisfied with the state of your hair you laid the towel down and took up your now slightly cooler cup of coffee noticing he had made it to your liking.

"Black, thank you GeeGee." You say not realizing your own usage of such a personal endearment.

"Not a problem. So what brings you to my humble hovel this fine night?" he questions with a slight laugh at his own humor.

You give a small smile at this attempt to lighten the mood then take a deep breath to steady yourself for what was to come.

"I'm here to heal old wounds and remove some stitches, I suppose." You say wondering why you chose such dramatic language but this was Gerard he of all people would appreciate your choice of words.

"It's been 13 months Gerard. And I'm sorry. I should never have left the way I did." You go on gazing into your coffee not able to meet his eyes.
"You should never have left Christina." He chastises you.

"God I know that now. It was the only option I could see at the time. And I'm sorry." You reply with a sigh.
"Why leave at all? What went so wrong that you had to run away from everyone including your best friend? Frank was so hurt Christina." Again with the guilt from Gerard, this made a stinging feeling build in your chest like your heart being dipped in acid.

"I know and I regret everything every moment. But it's done and I'm back if only I'm welcome." You respond tears welling up in your emerald eyes.

Gerard sees the tears but does no move he only realizes just how ashamed you must be. "You are always welcome here X we are your family after all you cant lose that." He answers using your old nickname while wrapping an arm around you to give some comfort.

"I know but there's so much to this I have so much to explain." You lean into him staring at the table in front of you and at the two forgotten cups.

"Then start at the beginning I've got all the time in the world." He offers.

You remove your shoes and tuck your feet under yourself as you lean further into him now wrapping your arms around him.

"I was so happy when we met I was even happy the day I left but I was so confused and lost I couldn't think straight I guess I wanted a break from the scene to gather my mind up and find why I felt so lost." You began.

"So you disappear with out a trace?" Gerard questions your methods.

"Well I had planned on a long weekend not a year I guess after I got in the car and managed to drive as far as Chicago I really didn't see any problem in continuing I wound up in Washington state 8 days later. I was there for a while when I started to settle in I even dated a guy for a while but you know I scare people way to often. By the time I ran out of money I couldn't even comprehend coming back to New York. I was alone in Washington and I was able to learn so much about myself. Even without the help of an overpriced therapist. So last November on my birthday it finally hit me just how long I had been gone and how bored and alone I was and why. I wanted New York, I wanted Frankie, Mikey, Ray, Bob, and most of all I wanted my GeeGee. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you..." you end your story and finally look into his eyes hoping to see some sort of comprehension but sadly you are disappointed.

"Oh X we missed you so much and we love you too." Gerard replied hugging you to him joyful that you were back.

"You don't understand do you? Why I said I love you I meant it I love you. You as in Gerard Arthur Way I'm in love with you. That's the reason I left I didn't know it at the time and it took me a year and a broken bank account to realize that the whole reason for my discomfort in New York was because no matter how happy I was being with you guys I didn't have that one thing that would complete my world. You Gerard I am so unimaginably and devastatingly in love with you that just thinking about the year that I've wasted unknowingly makes me sick to my stomach. I love you. I love you. I love you." You say almost too loud and too fast. Tears now freely flowing, your hands fisted in his shirt as you look at him pleading for a response with your eyes.

After a painful and seemingly endless silence Gerard just begins to giggle as tears trail down his face. He grabs you up into a bone crushing embrace and covers your face in light kisses finally stopping and placing you on your feet to stand so still and unblinking you might think some one had frozen him there.

"I guess I can accept that apology." He teases. Not giving you the three words he knows your waiting to hear you give him your best "Just shoot me" look.

"I love you too." He finally says looking as deeply into your eyes as anyone ever could. Seconds later his lips are fused to your own you smile into the kiss wrapping your arms around his neck pulling him closer to you.