I couldn't stop crying. As soon as I started the tears just wouldn't stop pouring helplessly, silently, out of my eyes falling steadily onto the comfort of my brother's chest. He was doing the same; letting all the hurt and confusion that had been bottling up during this tour and possibly longer, out with every individually painful drop. I felt safe holding onto him. I felt like a child again. But the feeling was short lived as I realised there was so many questions screaming in my mind and that he could be holding the answers from me.
I had to force myself to speak and break the comfortable dependant silence we had been in for goodness knows how long, but I knew I had to. "Tell me what's really going on Gerard." I whispered, still crying, into his chest. His breathing became quieter and I knew he'd been lying there wondering when I would start asking my many questions. I also couldn't help but wonder if he'd been using the quiet to think up ways to avoid giving me the answers; everyone seemed to be so good at that.
He sighed softly, his breath moving my hair from my face, "I don't know anymore."
"Tell me what you used to know." I demanded weakly.
There was a pause before he sighed once again, "Sara never loved me."
"What?" My voice was too tired to sound annoyed but I was. This conversation sounded as though it would be just like the many I had had recently; always leading to the same place, nowhere, and the same thing, confusion.
"I was her escape and I knew that, I really did. But I still tried to make myself more to her, I tried to get her to love me." His tears had stopped momentarily but now fresh ones were falling in their place.
"Escape from what?" I asked and was met by a long silence, "Tell me Gee!" I said forcefully.
"From Marley." He answered closing his eyes, squeezing more tears from them.
I screamed inwardly with frustration at how little he was offering. I was having to do all the work, asking all the question, prompting all the explanations while he gave simple or cryptic answers.
"Why would she need to escape Marley?" I asked watching his closed eyes intently. "I already know she attacked him in Stan's club but surely that's not enough for all this mess to start?" it was intended as a statement but came out as more of a question. I wasn't even sure what 'this mess' was exactly.
"That's not how it all began. It's much more complicated than that." He opened his eyes and caught mine, quickly closing his own again as if he was frightened to look at me.
"Then tell me how it all began Gerard, stop giving me these sound bites! Just try and let me understand what's going on." I pleaded, trying not to sound as exasperated as I felt.
"Fine!" I snapped, losing the battle to be patient. "I'm going to ask you questions and you're going to give me answers. Straight honest answers!" I sat up, detaching myself from his brotherly hold and staring down at him. His eyes still held tightly shut.
I opened my mouth to ask all the questions trapped in my mind, but I couldn't think clearly enough to form them into words. Where would I start? I laughed.
I laughed loudly, the echoes bouncing off the walls of the hotel room because I didn't have a clue what else to do. Gerard's eyes snapped open and he lay there unmoving, just watching me laugh while I watched him watch. I screamed inwardly again.
"Mikey, stop." I heard him say calmly over my frenzied bursts of hilarity and he reached his hands out, grabbing my wrists and holding them still. I stopped laughing abruptly and stared down at him blankly.
"Just explain. I just want you to explain." I whispered down to him, staring into his eyes pleadingly.
"Why didn't you tell me you had a therapist?" he asked me, throwing me a little.
I thought about it. "I...I don't know. I think it was because we always spoke about you, you were my problem." I answered honestly, stunning even myself, as I'd never had to explain it out loud before.
"How do you mean?" he asked, looking both upset and intrigued.
"Everything you do to help other people ends up hurting you, which hurts me." I could see he didn't understand exactly what I was trying to say; he looked so blank, but I couldn't find the energy to try and describe it differently.
"You should have told me." He said simply and I suppose he was right. "Especially considering that if you had then none of this would have happened. We could have stopped Sally from finding Sara."
His tone wasn't accusing but I couldn't help but be offended; how could he say that this was my fault? "This is not my fault!" I pulled my wrists from his hold harshly, "And fucking tell me why Sara was running from Sally!"
I was shocked when he actually started explaining.
"Sara's mum married Sally's dad; they are half sisters. Sally was always the favoured one...." The door creaked open and I almost didn't hear Frank speak over the irritated screaming inside my head as yet again the conversation had been stopped right before I got my overdue answers.
"Bob's awake Gerard, he says he'll only tell you." Frank shuffled his feet in the doorway, embarrassed on walking in on whatever was happening. I myself began to feel uncomfortable and stupid, tear stained and shaking slightly.
Gee nodded and stood from the bed, his legs cracking loudly as he did so. I moved to follow him but he turned and put a hand to my chest, "No, let me talk to him. I think you should go and clear things up with Ray." And he walked away leaving me with Frank.
Frank continued to stand awkwardly in the door way as I sat on the edge of the bed, struggling to control my emotions. Struggling to understand my emotions and trying to decide what to do.
I looked up at Frank and broke the silence." And where would Ray be?" I asked him shortly, not really understanding why I was being so cold to him.
"I'll show you, I've got something I need to talk to you about." He said and I walked over to the door and out passed him where I waited in the dingy hallway for him to close the door after himself.
"You've got a lot you need to talk to me about actually...." I hissed frostily at him, waiting for him to start walking to where Ray would be but instead he slid down the wall and crossed his legs under himself.
"Sit down Mikey." He motioned to the space next to him and still glaring, I sat and waited for him to continue.
"Sally's pregnant with my child." His words froze me and despite the fact that his lips were still moving, I couldn't hear the continuous words spilling out...
Well, fate decided to give me a fantastic birthday present in the form of my computer crashing! DAMN!.....but I got tons of cake too! woo! :)
Thank you so much everyone for my birthday wishes, you're all so sweet and it was so nice to read them when I FINALLY got my internet working again. xx
About the story: I'm trying to get it near the end but I accidentally made the storyline really confusing for myself so now I'm getting really frustrated because every chapter's basically just cryptic little details. But this bombshell with Frank [not sure what yez'll think of that *awkward smile is quite important...I think.
So just know that I'm getting annoyed too and I'd appreciate it if people would let me know if it's getting too boring and blah because that's how I'm feeling about it...
see, it was long! :)*]
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