He looked down to the carpet in front of him, avoiding my eyes. My shocked eyes. I really couldn't believe what he was saying to me, it couldn't be true.
"What?" I asked, quietly after a long period of stunned silence.
"Sally's pregnant with my child." He coughed awkwardly.
"Yes I know, I heard you the first time," I snapped, "What I meant was, how the fuck can that be?"
"Well..." I turned to face him as he chuckled lightly and smirked, raising an eyebrow.
"Don't you fucking dare make a joke out of this Frank, I know damn well how woman get pregnant just tell me how the hell you could fuck Sally?" I snarled not in the mood for his pathetic immaturity. "What about Jamia, hmm? What about your fucking fiancÃ©e Frank?"
"Calm down Mikes!" he looked to me, the promise of tears in his eyes.
"No I won't fucking calm down!" I snapped back but my voice was already softening; he looked so pathetic. I turned my head away from him, and raised my fingers to the bridge of my nose pinching it, trying to rid myself of the growing tension. I sighed, "Just explain." I asked, pleaded, simply, like I had done to Gerard inside the hotel room.
"I've been a selfish bastard Mikey, I'm so sorry. If I'd just told the truth from the beginning then none of this would have happened." He looked away from my, down the deserted hallway, "but I thought it was my fault, my choice, that I slept with her. If I admitted to it then I would have been admitting to cheating on Jamia and I couldn't have dealt with that."
"Your choice?" I asked, confused, "What do you mean you thought it was your choice?"
He crossed his arms over his chest and pulled his knees up to meet them, pushing further back into the wall as if he was trying to sink into the safety of the disgusting floral patterned wallpaper. "She raped me...." I almost didn't hear him; his voice was so quiet.
I couldn't help it. I laughed. I really don't know why, but I found it quite amusing that the two of us -grown men- had both been over powered so easily. Why was he so ashamed to tell me anyway? After all, I'd told him when I thought -well, knew- I'd been raped.
"Don't laugh Mikey, I feel pathetic enough as it is." He still wasn't looking at me, but the hurt tone in his voice stopped my random giggles immediately.
"Don't feel pathetic dude, we're in the same boat." I reached a hand out and touched his shoulder. "Fuck, it's happened to me twice." I laughed again, this time to make him feel better and to lighten the situation. If that was at all possible.
"I just feel so...dirty." He shivered a little as he looked at me, "and not just because of, well, you know." He shrugged it off not wanting to say it -the word rape- again.
"What else?" I asked, my mind already clicking frantically to think of the most fucked up equation imaginable, thinking 'ha! This is what my life has come to; endless pessimism'.
"Well, I thought at first that it was just because I was drunk that I slept with her. I really didn't want anyone to find out, especially Jamia, so I told a few lies." He noticed the look on my face and quickly defended himself, "She threatened to tell."
"What lies did you tell?" I questioned, trying to be as non-judgemental as possible, but still holding my breath for the worst.
"Nothing that I thought would be too major..." he trailed off, staring back down at the carpet. Alarm bells went off in my head; this couldn't be good.
"Fuck sake's Frank, what's the 'but'?" I asked, tiredly putting the air quotes around the 'but'.
"Sally told me to tell Sara that..." he trailed off again and I was beginning to lose patience.
"To tell Sara what?" I asked forcefully.
"To tell Sara that you...that we...that Gerard...." He stopped again and all my patience disappeared completely.
I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him roughly, "Fucking tell me!" I yelled in his face.
"That Gerard knew Marley and that that was the only reason that he started caring for her, so that he could hand her over to Marley for money." He looked terrified in my grasp, a fact I would have never thought possible given that I'm usually considered the 'pathetic' band member.
I wasn't quite sure what to make of what he told me, "Why would she ask you to tell Sara that? Why would Marley pay money for finding Sara? Why would-" he cut my rambling stream of inquiring off and grabbed me by the shoulders.
"Wait wait wait Mikey! One question at a time okay?" he said more than asked and I nodded. "Firstly, I don't know why Marley's so desperate to find Sara. Sally didn't really even explain who Marley was, she just told me to recount her words to Sara or else she'd tell Mia about us sleeping together." He continued, looking just as confused as I felt.
Again, I nodded.
"Secondly, When all this happened, I still thought Sally was a decent person; your therapist; Someone who could help us get rid of Sara and let Gee be happy, so she told me that if I said all the shit about Marley to Sara then it would make Sara leave, which was exactly what we all wanted." He stared me straight in the eyes to make sure I was understanding, which surprisingly I was. "I didn't ask any questions; I just wanted Sara gone and Mia to never find out."
"You thought that Sally was a decent person?" I scoffed disbelievingly, "She was blackmailing you."
"But Mikey, the way she put it to me, it sounded more like she was trying to help get rid of Sara and make Gerard happy." He said, adding quiet curses under his breath, which I imagined were aimed at himself. "It turns out she just knew what would happen when I told Sara."
"So, that's what you meant when you said you told lies you didn't think would be that 'major'?" I asked, his arms still around my shoulders tightly, the question had been bugging me.
"Yeah." He dropped his arms and shook his head sadly, "I had no idea she would react the way she did. But like I said, Sally knew."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Sara has one hell of a temper." He said as if that explained it all. I just stared at him blankly and waited for him to continue, too tired of saying 'I don't understand' so letting my face say it all instead.
"Do you remember at the hotel, The Shippington, on the day that the fire started?" he asked and again I nodded, "Well, she didn't leave like she told you she did. She went back up to the roof, I found her when I went up for a smoke after we left you and Gee in Brian's room. I didn't want to go down to the bar."
He paused to look at me, questioningly before asking, "Do you think we all have equally strong relationships in the band?"
Again, I fixed him with my -spot on due to practice, a fuck load of practice,- 'I don't understand' face to which he responded by asking, "Well there's some fucked up shit going on right now in our lives and I'm just wondering if you think that there are certain people that know more than others?"
"Like?" I asked, dancing on the inside as I thought about how there was finally someone else suffering from as much paranoia as I myself was.
"Like Gerard and Bob." He supplied, staring at his hands.
I thought about it carefully. "I can understand why you say that about Gerard, but Bob?" I answered and asked honestly.
"I'll explain about the fire first." He started, "When I saw Sara up on the roof, I took it as the opportunity to tell her the 'minor' lie. She got really really realy angry. Like seriously dude, I've never seen a woman so angry." I smiled a little before he continued, "She kept screaming about Gerard; that she should, to quote, "murder that lying bastard!""
My breath caught in my throat as Frank continued recalling the day of the fire, "she said that Gee should "burn for being just as bad as the other murdering cunts in her life". I was so scared, Mikey, I couldn't believe how she was reacting." Frank did look terrified as he explained. I reached out and touched his shoulder to comfort him.
"She stormed down from the roof and I followed her. I followed her back to her own room. She was fidgeting with her lighter as she shouted and then..." I tightened my grip on his shoulder as he paled, "Then, she dropped it and the whole room went up."
"Just like that?" I asked trying to understand how that would happen.
He nodded, "Yeah. Just like that. Mikey it was so surreal; it's not possible. It looked like a scene from a movie where a gas station blows up." He shook his head. "Mikey, there's definitely more to all this fucked up shit."
"You can say that again." I snorted, rubbing his upper arms as he began trembling a little from the recount. It was clearly the first time he had really talked about it.
"What were you saying about Bob?" I asked after a short comfortable silence. He looked up from the ground to stare me in the eyes but then looked past me. His skin became even paler.
"It's gonna have to wait." He whispered fearfully, getting to his feet shakily and pulling me up with him. I stared at him confused but didn't question it as he pulled me down the corridor away from whatever he had seen and into a store cupboard on the right.
Did I just write a whole chapter of explanations? Oh my god! I can't believe that!-lol.
Sorry if it was confusing, I've never written a chapter like that. But I've explained how the fire started dances.
If you are confused, then chapter Eleven might be quite helpful. (I went back and re-read that one half way through typing this).
Also, as I said, it's getting confusing for me so I've probably made mistakes about details or what not. [hopefully not big big ones]
Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, you're all so sweet! I love yez hugs
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